Author Topic: Valentine's day  (Read 6347 times)

mxt0133

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Valentine's day
« on: February 10, 2014, 02:11:40 PM »
My wife has told me that she would like an Ipad Air for valentine's day.  I have been struggling with this for a few weeks now.  We are trying to stay within a budget and have agreed to only spend what we have in our checking.  I have to admit that we started it last year but always pulled from savings which was easily accessible when we went over, this year savings go directly to our vangaurd account.  We have very different views on money, I like to be efficient and don't spend a lot.  My wife is the live by the moment type, she doesn't like expensive things but spends money without thinking about it.  To her why not spend it if you have it and it doesn't effect our long time goals.  I on the other hand am kind of on the opposite side of the spectrum, if we are doing ok now, why can't be do better.

I have been trying not to impose my views on her, she is a SAHM taking care of our two young boys.  She feels like she has less say on money matter since she is not earning, but she still spends as she feels like.  So on one had I want to make her happy and get her what she wants.  But on the other it is not the path I want us to go in, she has a mac book air and an Iphone.  So logically I don't know why she needs an Ipad.  But she is not the most logical person at times.  I was trying to find some creative solutions to this like selling other items to pay for it, which we started last year. 

We started reviewing our financial goals this year and at the end of it she says so I guess I'm not getting an Ipad for valentines day.(I really make her sound worse than she really is)

I feel like this is one of those no win scenarios.

How is everyone else funding/handling valentine's day presents?

dragoncar

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2014, 02:27:35 PM »
That's not even, like, a traditional vday gift.  You are usually talking dinner, chocolate, flowers, jewelry, etc.  all of which should IMO be way less than an iPad.  And once you are married I would hope it's ok to move on to "it's the though that counts" type gifts (hopefully before).

Obviously your wife has different expectations so I agree it's no win.  But it sounds like you need to redo the budget talk cause either she doesn't get it (asking for an expensive gift) or gets it but just isn't on board.

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2014, 02:48:38 PM »
My experience with this type of thing hasn't been on such big items yet, but how it usually goes for me is that we discuss/argue about it, then either 1. she agrees with me or 2. we disagree but she gets what she wants.

Option 2 sounds bad, but my wife loves me and notes my objections, and probably gives me some credit for being nice. Next time she is more likely to see it my way. If she were wanting expensive silly stuff all the time though, we would have bigger problems. I am fortunate that way.

mxt0133

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2014, 03:00:13 PM »
dragoncar - Yeah I hear you, you would assume post marriage it's the thought that counts, and for the past year we have definitely taken that approach. 

FI40 - This request really is out of the blue and it is definitely not within our budget.  I don't want to make it a power struggle.  She has as much right do spend our money as she chooses.  She does always ask me about big purchases.

I think this is just something she wants me do for her.  But this is something I deeply do not agree with, most of the other things I just say my peace and let her get her way.  I think I just convinced myself, wish me luck!

Russ

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #4 on: February 10, 2014, 03:02:35 PM »
I think I just convinced myself, wish me luck!

good luck

Shor

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #5 on: February 10, 2014, 05:50:02 PM »
Fun exercise: present to her a plan of how 30 weeks from now, with X Y and Z expense cuts across the board, we have budgeted in to buy her a brand new (well not new anymore, but new on purchase?) iFablet (wait was it called again?)... yay..

Or.. we could buy her tablet option B which is cheaper, just as usable, and it will only take expense cuts X and Y! And to 'reward' her for working with you on this point, you will buy it forward and the expense cuts will save for it later down the road! It's like a win-win! ...Yay!

Hint: they never choose the iFab when you present it like this.
Note: be prepared to buy an iFab in 30 weeks... i.e. March 8, 2015 Happy International Women's Day! (yay?)

Paulie

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #6 on: February 11, 2014, 02:07:31 AM »
My wife has told me that she would like an Ipad Air for valentine's day.

Wow, people actually ask things for V-day? Never heard of that. I think that's even a very expensive gift to ask for your birthday. Maybe it could be a great opportunity for you to discuss your finances. Maybe if you talk more about it with her, she wouldn't feel like she has less say in money, but that your goals are shared goals.

Noodle

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2014, 06:57:40 AM »
Why does she want an iPad Air, exactly? Is there something she wants to do that a tablet will let her accomplish? Is it just that she wants a tablet of some kind, and the iPad Air is the one that she knows most about? The other moms have tablets that the kids can play education games on? Or there is something going on with her and she wants to feel cherished and splurged on?

If it really is just about wanting a tablet, there are tons of choices out there--non-Apple, or the Mini (two gens now) or older gens of the iPad, that would be much more affordable and do a lot.

I do have an iPad Air (planned and budgeted for) bought to replace my first-gen which was starting to get problematic. I would not want one if I had little kids in the house. The thinner profile makes it seem very fragile. I get twitchy every time my very responsible kindergarten cousin asks to play with it even though he is careful.

rocksinmyhead

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #8 on: February 11, 2014, 07:14:30 AM »
Why does she want an iPad Air, exactly? Is there something she wants to do that a tablet will let her accomplish? Is it just that she wants a tablet of some kind, and the iPad Air is the one that she knows most about? The other moms have tablets that the kids can play education games on? Or there is something going on with her and she wants to feel cherished and splurged on?

interesting point. if it is just that she wants to feel cared for/splurged on, it seems like there might be even better/more thoughtful/cheaper ways to do that.

(I also don't understand the concept of a Valentine's Day gift. holy shit aren't there already enough gift-giving holidays in the year, like your birthday and Christmas?! but then again gift-giving is definitely NOT my love language...)

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2014, 07:36:11 AM »
Ugh, Valentines Day.  I really dislike it.  I do the minimum just so I don't get flak.  Atleast this year we agreed to cook our own dinner and spend time together.

Prior years when it was more about gifts and dinners I dreaded it and felt like I got the short end.  I tried adopting steak and BJ day, March 14th (one month after Vday).  The women cooks steak and you can fill in the rest.  For some reason it didn't take.

Its not even that taking her out to dinner and do something special isn't awesome.  It's the whole notion that you have to do it on this date and if you don't your a bad boyfriend/husband whatever.  Stupid society.

I probably sound horrible in this post, but I really dislike valentines day.

to the OP:  Ask your wife why she doesn't buy you an Ipad Air.

/Rantover

Dee18

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #10 on: February 11, 2014, 10:28:49 AM »
Think hard about what else she would like....what are her favorite flowers?  what is her favorite food treat?  Have you made her a card?  Really--my perfect gift would be some tulips, a Santander chocolate bar, and a hand made card. (total cost < $15)   If I were you, I would make a mock-up ipad card with a love note on it, or your favorite photo. Or plan a picnic treat to have in the living room after the kids are asleep.  (I was voting for the ipad air until I saw she already had the phone and computer!)

Eric

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #11 on: February 11, 2014, 11:09:16 AM »
I'm so glad we don't celebrate Valentines Day.  Saves a lot of headaches.

jrhampt

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #12 on: February 11, 2014, 11:19:08 AM »
Prior years when it was more about gifts and dinners I dreaded it and felt like I got the short end.  I tried adopting steak and BJ day, March 14th (one month after Vday).  The women cooks steak and you can fill in the rest.  For some reason it didn't take.

Its not even that taking her out to dinner and do something special isn't awesome.  It's the whole notion that you have to do it on this date and if you don't your a bad boyfriend/husband whatever.  Stupid society./Rantover

See, I've never interpreted valentine's day this way.  I always assumed it was about two people doing nice things for each other rather than being completely one-sided. 

ketchup

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #13 on: February 11, 2014, 11:33:48 AM »
My girlfriend had recently talked about how she thought an orchid would look nice in our new house we moved into at the beginning of the month.  I told her on Sunday "I'm getting you an orchid for Valentine's Day."  She got happy and excited, so yesterday, we went to the store and she picked out an orchid.  It looks lovely in our living room.  We'll probably cook a nice meal on Valentine's Day, like we do most other nights.

It's nice when things like this are simple.  A coworker of mine has a wife that *expects* flowers and chocolate at home, flowers and chocolate delivered to the office, and a ridiculously expensive dinner out that night.  She will get furious if any of those don't happen.  Materialism to this extreme is something that I will never understand.

Elaine

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #14 on: February 11, 2014, 11:43:58 AM »
I told the fella I didn't want to do Valentine's day anymore- I mean we have an anniversary (which isn't just some arbitrary random day in February) so I don't really see the point. Haha, you should have seen the relief in his face- it was like I gave him the best non-valentine's present ever. Instead we're hitting a few grocery stores on February 15th to stock up on cheap candy and steak (this is the cheapest time of year to buy steak, which we basically never get to eat normally).

I don't know your wife but just my $0.02 as a lady- it kinda sounds more like she cares about feeling loved/romanced than getting the actual ipad. Maybe she suggested it because she thought otherwise you wouldn't do/plan something special? I bet if you made a romantic dinner and wrote her a love letter she'd forget all about it.

mxt0133

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #15 on: February 11, 2014, 12:37:30 PM »
Thank you for all the suggestions and support.

We have been discussing a little bit and it does seem like she needs a little more romance.  Our two kids keeps us really busy and basically zero time for each other.  I am not against Valentine's day as I think it's a nice reminder to appreciate your loved ones, for those that get caught up in their daily grind.  I do oppose the commercial aspect of it like, flowers and candy.

I know she doesn't need and it's just a want, like I would like a aluminum road bike to make my commute easier. 

This has help put a new focus on discussing how we want to share our lives together and what we want to teach our children about happiness and material possessions.

Like I said she is very YOLO and being in the moment so our discussions on long term goals are relatively short.  Something we have to work on.

Happy Valentine's day everyone!

rocksinmyhead

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #16 on: February 11, 2014, 12:46:28 PM »
I am not against Valentine's day as I think it's a nice reminder to appreciate your loved ones, for those that get caught up in their daily grind.  I do oppose the commercial aspect of it like, flowers and candy.

agreed!

glad you had a good chat with your wife. hope you guys enjoy Valentine's Day!

sheepstache

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #17 on: February 11, 2014, 01:09:30 PM »
Yeah, I thought that with a full-time job taking care of two kids it might be in her better interests to spend the money on a weekend getaway without them.

I will say, to give you some optimism as you continue working on this like it sounds like you're going to, that asking for gifts in advance can be a step up from in-the-moment spontaneous spending.  The habit gives the person the chance to think about why they want something rather than being totally wrapped up in the emotion of wanting it.  And it delays purchases, giving your money a little bit more time to grow, as well as, hopefully, decreasing the total number of purchases.
So for example if she expresses a desire for something that you consider a big purchase, you could say, sure, hon, we could get that for you for christmas/birthday/valentine's, etc., whatever the next upcoming thing is.  That satisfies her immediate desire because you've said yes.  Then she's pleased for the whole month or whatever time is left before the holiday because she's enjoying the anticipation of getting the thing.  Whereas if she makes an impulse purchase today, it will immediately start to lose its novelty and she'll probably want something else before the month is out.
In other words, I think your plan of talking out how to afford something is a good one.  Just make sure the conversation remains positive and that she's getting what she wants more often than not.  Otherwise, the impulse spender dreads a "talk" about a purchase that always turns into her not getting it, creating an even strong impulse to just get what she wants right away before discussion can "ruin" it.

CommonCents

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #18 on: February 11, 2014, 01:21:47 PM »
Prior years when it was more about gifts and dinners I dreaded it and felt like I got the short end.  I tried adopting steak and BJ day, March 14th (one month after Vday).  The women cooks steak and you can fill in the rest.  For some reason it didn't take.

Its not even that taking her out to dinner and do something special isn't awesome.  It's the whole notion that you have to do it on this date and if you don't your a bad boyfriend/husband whatever.  Stupid society./Rantover

See, I've never interpreted valentine's day this way.  I always assumed it was about two people doing nice things for each other rather than being completely one-sided.

Agreed.  In fact, I'd venture to say I've gone to far more effort making special tasty homemade breakfasts & dinners for him on Valentine's Day, and I can't recall anything he's done for me for them.  In the 5 prior Valentine's Day we've celebrated, he's cooked me one meal (the only meal he's entirely cooked for me that was more involved than frozen pizza or making a pastrami sandwich).  He has gotten flowers around (but not on, per my rule) that day sometimes.  I'd far prefer an investment of time than money. 

I agree though that I don't like the consumerism focus of the day, hence why I don't go for chocolate, wine, flowers, cards, and most importantly - dinner out on it.   (Who wants to be out then?  Crowded and rushed.  I've eaten out only once on that day due to a car breaking down.)

rocksinmyhead

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #19 on: February 11, 2014, 01:31:02 PM »
Prior years when it was more about gifts and dinners I dreaded it and felt like I got the short end.  I tried adopting steak and BJ day, March 14th (one month after Vday).  The women cooks steak and you can fill in the rest.  For some reason it didn't take.

Its not even that taking her out to dinner and do something special isn't awesome.  It's the whole notion that you have to do it on this date and if you don't your a bad boyfriend/husband whatever.  Stupid society./Rantover

See, I've never interpreted valentine's day this way.  I always assumed it was about two people doing nice things for each other rather than being completely one-sided.

Agreed.  In fact, I'd venture to say I've gone to far more effort making special tasty homemade breakfasts & dinners for him on Valentine's Day, and I can't recall anything he's done for me for them.  In the 5 prior Valentine's Day we've celebrated, he's cooked me one meal (the only meal he's entirely cooked for me that was more involved than frozen pizza or making a pastrami sandwich).  He has gotten flowers around (but not on, per my rule) that day sometimes.  I'd far prefer an investment of time than money. 

I agree though that I don't like the consumerism focus of the day, hence why I don't go for chocolate, wine, flowers, cards, and most importantly - dinner out on it.   (Who wants to be out then?  Crowded and rushed.  I've eaten out only once on that day due to a car breaking down.)

okay, while we're on the topic of thoughtful, non-consumerist Valentine's day gifts and activities... I just really need to share what my boyfriend made for me last year because I'm still so impressed by how ambitious/sweet/thoughtful/nerdy/hilarious it was and I feel like folks here would appreciate:



yes my friends, that is a red velvet Lego heart cake covered in fondant. the little round Lego bumps are marshmallow slices. he came up with this entire concept ON HIS OWN. dude isn't really that into baking and had never used fondant in his life... he asked some of our hardcore baker friends for advice before he began this undertaking. it was extra great because I was traveling a bit for work around that time, but I got to bring cake leftovers with me to the field and smile every day when I ate them for dessert :)

in terms of stuff I do for him, I usually bake/cook something special and wear lingerie, sometimes simultaneously, haha. but yeah, I definitely see it as a two-way street kind of holiday!
« Last Edit: February 12, 2014, 09:35:41 AM by oscarsmom »

Ohio Teacher

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #20 on: February 11, 2014, 03:39:42 PM »
My wife and I agreed early on in our relationship that all of the relationship "holidays" are bogus and just a money-grab from jewelers, chocolatiers, florists, etc.  We celebrate our anniversary and our birthdays with each other. 

It sounds like you and your wife need to sit down and talk more about finances if you have such differing views on how to handle money.  It is the number one cause of divorce after all.

CommonCents

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #21 on: February 12, 2014, 08:43:24 AM »
Oscarsmom, love it!  I just might have to do a variant on that for my nephew, a lego addict, sometime!

soccerluvof4

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #22 on: February 12, 2014, 09:27:41 AM »
I'd say buy a few stocks of apple and if they go up buy them for her! haha.  But todays market currently trading at $538 a share so you would be out even more! Good luck on that one! I like the card with something you hand write personally. My wife always says its the card that matters most.

brand new stash

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #23 on: February 12, 2014, 09:35:32 AM »
My advice is to tell her:
"I LOVE you.  You are the love of my life, and I want to celebrate Valentines day with you.  But I've really been struggling over the last few weeks with the suggestion you made that I buy you an ipad air.  I know you want one, and I'd love to give it to you and make you happy for Valentines day, but I also know that we have talked and agreed on a financial plan for our family that includes putting all the savings into Vanguard and only spending from the checking account.  I want to show you how much I love you by giving you what you want, but I also want to show you how much I love you by honoring the financial decisions we made.  I need your help to figure out how to do this." 

Then listen to what she says.

And from there discuss the issue.

lizzzi

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #24 on: February 12, 2014, 09:39:39 AM »
We were never into a lot of holiday commercialism--and Valentine's is not really a gift-giving day, imho, but we did like to mark the days a bit. We would usually give each other a card, and I would usually pick up a nice box of chocolates for us to (oink) share as our gift to each other. We never went out to dinner--horrible day to do that--crowded restaurants, crabby wait staff, etc. Now that DH has Alzheimers, I have bought him a small card and will pick up a box of chocolates--because he eats a lot of candy nowadays. I'll have a piece or two with him for a celebration, and then I'll let him have most of it as I am really more into fruits, veggies, and nuts--trying to keep myself healthy as he goes downhill. Regarding the iPad…I don't understand why, if OP's  wife has a MacBook Air and an iPhone, (as I do)--why would you need the iPad. (Yes, I know--Facepunch to me for the iPhone--but in two months I will get rid of it and go more Mustachian.)
Just a thought: Is the iPad something she wants so she can use it with the kids? My daughter does that with her three ages 6,4,and 3--lots of free games and books for kids on the iPad…but they get addicted to it very easily, and want to play with it all the time. Beware.

Rural

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Re: Valentine's day
« Reply #25 on: February 12, 2014, 07:07:20 PM »
My advice is to tell her:
"I LOVE you.  You are the love of my life, and I want to celebrate Valentines day with you.  But I've really been struggling over the last few weeks with the suggestion you made that I buy you an ipad air.  I know you want one, and I'd love to give it to you and make you happy for Valentines day, but I also know that we have talked and agreed on a financial plan for our family that includes putting all the savings into Vanguard and only spending from the checking account.  I want to show you how much I love you by giving you what you want, but I also want to show you how much I love you by honoring the financial decisions we made.  I need your help to figure out how to do this." 

Then listen to what she says.

And from there discuss the issue.

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