The Teenage Years Will Be the Death of Me!

[Jenny1974]

My DD is 14 1/2 and gving us a run for our money.  She's your stereotypical teenage girl . . . . mouthy, sassy, disrespectful and a general pain in the ass one minute . . . a charming, helpful, delightful child the next.  I seriously question whether she is schitzophrenic at times . . . or tri-polar . . . or just plain freakin' crazy.  The drama last night ended in her losing her phone and priviledges ONCE AGAIN.  As if last night wasn't enough, we got a fresh start at the drama this morning.  It has absolutely tainted my whole day.  I feel like a damn failure!!  Someone please tell me that I am going to enjoy my time with her again at some point??? Please????!!!

[Dave1442397]

We're not quite there yet, but I did get this, just in case - https://www.amazon.com/Teenage-Brain-Neuroscientists-Survival-Adolescents-ebook/dp/B00GQZPHC4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1494449113&sr=8-1&keywords=the+teenage+brain+by+frances+jensen

[mxt0133]

Posting to follow.  My oldest is only 6 but since I can understand what my boys will be going through I'm looking forward to being there for them and helping them navigate through those rough times in their lives.  My daughter on the other hand is what I worry about.  I really can't relate and I know what the boys are thinking at that age so I might overreact if she comes home crying one day because a boy broke her heart.

Of course say this now, I'll see how I react when they do all the stupid things I did when I was growing up.

[englishteacheralex]

I've been teaching teenaged girls for 14 years, but my own kids are 4 months and 2.5 years. Teaching and parenting are two very different things.

I will say that teenaged girls used to have the ability to completely destroy my mental health, and after a decade + of working with them they don't have that power anymore.

My superpower is extreme patience and calm in the face of teenaged irrationality. I'm the ninja of giving choices. Never commands. Always choices. Do you want A or B? A is my way (the easy way), B is my way (the hard way). Oh, you pick option C (your unacceptable way)? Looks like you picked option B.

Here are some helpful phrases:
"Huh. Interesting. What do you think you should do about that?"
"why do you ask?"
"Huh. Probably so. What do you think I should do about that?"
"I don't know."
"That must be hard for you. I'm sorry."
"I know."

My big things are never showing negative emotion, never showing that they've gotten to me, never freaking out, just taking everything in and always, always, always putting the locus of control back on them. I'm fine, an undisturbed zen rock garden of cool, simply presenting options and encouraging them to self-regulate. I do a lot of broken-recording and a lot of mirroring/active listening. Teenaged girls are irrational. Their craziness isn't about me, but if I give them any way to make it about me, they'll take it!

I NEVER lecture. NEVER yell. Just keep putting that locus of control back on the kid until they ASK me for advice.

Also I always try to make the problem get back into their zone, instead of entering my own zone. If that makes any sense.

Some books that helped me a lot:

Boundaries with Kids by Henry Cloud
Parenting with Love and Logic

[mxt0133]

This is some good stuff and not just for teenagers.  This can work with some of my coworkers as well, haha.

+1 on the Parenting with Logic and Love recommendation.

[surfhb]

Here are some helpful phrases:
"Huh. Interesting. What do you think you should do about that?"
"why do you ask?"
"Huh. Probably so. What do you think I should do about that?"
"I don't know."
"That must be hard for you. I'm sorry."
"I know."

Love it!    Good for some adults I know too

[Julard]

I've got teenage boys, and I promise you girls don't have the monopoly on awfulness. My younger son is only just 13 and still generally not too bad, but 14?  Yuck.

Every now and then i see enough of a glimmer to remind me that there's a decent person under it all, and it's good to send him to stay with friends and his grandparents regularly as they give lovely reports that assure me he can be pleasant even if not to me right now.  I try hard not to shout as that only makes things worse. Quietly going out and taking the modem with me can be effective, gives him time alone with nothing to do but reflect! If your daughter has problems with temper (irritable ADHD at my place) hen I recommend The Explosive Child.

Sometimes I like to relieve my frustrations by loudly wishing curses on him, especially involving twins or triplets in his future.

Good luck!  Am with you in spirit.

[bwall]

This is pretty depressing to read. At least for me.

When my DD was born 3.5 years ago, my over-riding thought was "In 12 years she'll hate me." It took me six months to change that thought. Now I'm afraid I wasn't too far off the mark.

Insights, anyone?

[Julard]

Don't start worrying yet, I do know some teens who are pleasant to their parents and you might be one of the lucky ones!

Scouts has been good for my eldest as it puts him in the company of  community minded adults who aren't his parents and, bless them, they take him away on camp at least once a term.

[englishteacheralex]

Teenagers come in many different varieties and not all of them hate their parents. It is possible for a parent and a teen to have a thriving relationship without much acrimony. I've seen it done plenty of times. It wasn't my personal experience, but after watching hundreds of teenagers interact with their parents, I know it's possible. Generally it takes a parent who is pretty secure in who they are and not looking for the child to fulfill any kind of emotional need. It also takes a child who has a relatively uncomplicated temperament. Some kids are just harder than others. And all kids are a pain at some point.

Conflict is just part of the deal in a parent/child relationship. If there isn't any conflict at all, you're probably not doing it right, which leads to other problems. It's ok for a kid to hate you sometimes. Developmentally appropriate, really. Your response to the hate is the hard part, which comes back to the being secure in who you are and not looking for the child to fulfill an emotional need. When teens hate you, grab a glass of wine and the phone or your spouse. Or an internet forum! Get your emotional validation elsewhere. Teens have nothing to offer you in that department.

[cerat0n1a]

Don't start worrying yet, I do know some teens who are pleasant to their parents and you might be one of the lucky ones!

I'd say most teens are pleasant to their parents, most of the time. It's just the bits when they aren't are pretty hard to deal with. Some good advice on here, not always easy to carry out in the heat of the moment though.

[MerryMcQ]

Some teens are easy. :) My DD15 is a complete joy and we have a very good relationship. She's hard working, caring, and still laughs at my jokes. She loves to cuddle on the couch and watch movies together and she's always asking for us to help her study. She's definitely a mama's girl. However, she was born with an easygoing personality and that is such a blessing as she navigates puberty.

I had a terrible teen relationship with my mom, and I've been a very different parent to my kids. My children are both very smart and very stubborn. Instead of demanding blind obedience, we talk about decisions and consequences and I'm not afraid to let them make mistakes. I really respect my daughter and I think that respect has been a huge part of our relationship. I know she doesn't react well to authoritarian commands--but neither did I, so why would I try something that just destroyed my relationship with my mom?

[MightyAl]

My first daughter, at 4, said "I hate you."  I told her to get in line.

I don't think that was the response she was looking for.

[bwall]

Thanks for the insights, esp. EnglishAlex. Thank you sharing your experience and insight.

Merry McQ: you describe DD as 'easygoing personality' and then later as 'very stubborn'. Help me reconcile those two phrases as they seem to me to be contradictory. How can she be both?

[cerat0n1a]

Merry McQ: you describe DD as 'easygoing personality' and then later as 'very stubborn'. Help me reconcile those two phrases as they seem to me to be contradictory. How can she be both?

Have you ever met any teenagers, bwall ;-) ?

[bwall]

Clearly I am out of touch...... It's been a long, long time since I've had any meaningful interactions with teens.

[jeninco]

Our 16-YO son looked us in the eye a couple of weekends ago and promised he'd be home by midnight ... and then tried to sneak into the house at 3:20 AM.  So yeah, we get it.

A couple of things have been helpful:
- I second the written communication. Texts are good if you can keep it succinct (and keeping it short is always good). Sometimes we write him notes.
- Humor (when available) is always better than no humor. It can't be mean, though.
- Something we learned when our kids were smaller: if you get into a battle of wills, you've lost. So figure out how you're going to avoid it with the child you have -- different kids may require different tactics.
- Both kids have friends who generally improve their behavior. Encourage time spent with those ones!
- Figure out what you care about (keep it short) and invest your energy in those things. (Generally, it's grades and treating other people decently about here.) Really, are you going to spend your limited energy and capital arguing about haircuts?
- Related to the last one: let the kids have their own consequences. If they don't practice, they won't make the varsity soccer team. Duh! You don't have to be involved! (And yet, this can be so hard!)
- Try to keep the long-term goal in mind: you want them to move out and be capable and decent adults.  Try to encourage moves that take them in the direction of the long-term goals, even if that's a pain in the short term.

Also, I try to remember that it's the job of teenagers to separate from their parents -- it's not personal, they're getting ready to go be their own people. (Also, I speculate on the reasons why 13-year olds used to get sent off to apprentice someplace else...)

I volunteer at the high school (in the tutoring center), and I've decided I really like other people's teenagers. It also gives me some perspective on my own, which is surprisingly helpful.

For the big offense, we thought about it for a while, and decided what we really cared about was the lost trust and the damage to the relationships (AKA the lying to our faces). Then we gave him a bunch of tasks he could do to earn back our trust. Then we mentioned (in a non-punitive way) that after he'd earned our trust back, he may have the opportunity to do things he'd planned for this summer like travel independently and get a drivers license. (So framing it in a positive way, rather than "you won't be xxx-ing")  Mixed results, but it completely felt like a parenting win to be able to deal with our own anger, come up with appropriate short- and long-term consequences, write everything out in a brief and unemotional note, and stick to the program.

Good luck! Do you have a plan for after the teenagers move out? Sometimes we sit around and talk about the adventures we're going to have when they're gone -- that's helpful as well, in a "we're going to have a life of our own" kind of way. It's helpful for us to remember that we can live our own lives, rather than getting over invested in living vicariously through our kids.

[jeninco]

Following up on myself to say this: take care of yourself! It will be OK!

Breathe
Mediate (if it's helpful to you)
Go for walks, preferably with your spouse. Talk about non-kid-related stuff as well as kid-related stuff.
Exercise.

You know, all the stuff you'd do if you had a stressful part of your life that you needed to deal with graciously :^)

Also, a fan of the How to Listen So Kids Will Talk series. Just look at the cartoons if you're not feeling the reading love...

[Jenny1974]

OP here . . . just a little follow up.

Last night, when I got home from work, DD had cleaned the downstairs . . . . dishes, sweeping, wiping counters . . . including her bedroom and bathroom.  She also finished all the laundry for me.  She had written me a note apologizing for her bad choices and talked about how she really wants to earn our trust back.

So . . . she has her redeeming moments.  Last night was peaceful and we were able to calmly talk through where things went wrong. 

Thanks everyone for your helpful advice. 

[jeninco]

OP here . . . just a little follow up.

Last night, when I got home from work, DD had cleaned the downstairs . . . . dishes, sweeping, wiping counters . . . including her bedroom and bathroom.  She also finished all the laundry for me.  She had written me a note apologizing for her bad choices and talked about how she really wants to earn our trust back.

So . . . she has her redeeming moments.  Last night was peaceful and we were able to calmly talk through where things went wrong. 

Thanks everyone for your helpful advice.

Fantastic!

I've been reading AskaManager, and am here to remind you to complement her on what she did well and thank her for helping out. Even if you're actually thinking "it's the least she could do!" please make sure she gets some uncomplicated positive feedback for being awesome!
(Or, as a friend of mine likes to say: sometimes it should be a complement sandwitch (complement, criticism/suggestion, complement), and sometimes it should just be complements.)

[Sockigal]

So much great advice. I have one daughter who is now 19 and a 16 year old son. I was counting down the days until my daughter would be old enough to move out and go to college. She had always been an extremely difficult child for us at home, though at school she seemed to do okay. In middle school, early high school, she was a complete mess. SO many emotions and saying extremely mean things to me. It was a complete rollercoaster, every single day!

I bought a series of books & audio tapes called Love and Logic for the Teen years parenting books. We used the same series when our kids were toddlers, but grew out of practice as they grew. The Love and Logic series was a complete life saver for both my husband and I. Seriously I don't know what I would have done without employing some of the practices they taught us.

I also took a course on adolescent growth and development. Knowing what kids are going though at that particular developmental stage can be very informative and help you make better decisions when interacting with your teen.

My daughter and I have a great relationship now. She comes home almost every single weekend. She even wrote me the sweetest Mother's Day card last year saying how much she loves me and how great a Mom I am.

SO yes, if you survive the tween and teen years, it does get better. Some teens are just more difficult that others.

[CupcakeGuru]

Sockigal - Thank you so much for saying those things. We have an extremely difficult 13 year old and its hard to remember that this too shall pass!

[MerryMcQ]

Merry McQ: you describe DD as 'easygoing personality' and then later as 'very stubborn'. Help me reconcile those two phrases as they seem to me to be contradictory. How can she be both?

She's easy going - doesn't get upset easily, handles change well, is flexible and adaptable. For example, we've gone camping and it's poured down rain. Instead of sulking or saying the trip is ruined, she says she's excited to lay in the tent and play cards. If it's sunny, she'll say she's excited to go hiking. She handles life's challenges with very little drama.

At the same time, she is very stubborn and strong-willed. If she sets a goal, she will work like crazy to reach it. She decided she wanted to be in the fashion industry when she was 8. She's super strong in math and science, rather than art. But anytime I discuss other career options, or there's a career fair at school, or they have to take a career aptitude test - she says, "No thanks, I know what I want to do." In 8th grade she researched college programs, decided on the one she wanted (based on course offerings, internship programs, and cost), and convinced me to take her for a college visit - where she talked to the admissions director and figured everything out.  I've suggested she visit other campuses, and she just says "No thanks, I know where I want to go." When she sets her mind, she doesn't change it. It's kinda scary. Stubborn may be too weak of a word.

Don't get me wrong - she cries over stuff. Like getting a bad grade on a math test, or not being able to find the perfect pair of white shoes (fashion, right?). But she cries, then asks for a hug or help, and gets over it.

My almost-13 year old son is a completely different person. He got all her drama plus his own. :) But he still likes hugs so I'm okay with it!

[Sockigal]

Merry McQ: you describe DD as 'easygoing personality' and then later as 'very stubborn'. Help me reconcile those two phrases as they seem to me to be contradictory. How can she be both?

She's easy going - doesn't get upset easily, handles change well, is flexible and adaptable. For example, we've gone camping and it's poured down rain. Instead of sulking or saying the trip is ruined, she says she's excited to lay in the tent and play cards. If it's sunny, she'll say she's excited to go hiking. She handles life's challenges with very little drama.

At the same time, she is very stubborn and strong-willed. If she sets a goal, she will work like crazy to reach it. She decided she wanted to be in the fashion industry when she was 8. She's super strong in math and science, rather than art. But anytime I discuss other career options, or there's a career fair at school, or they have to take a career aptitude test - she says, "No thanks, I know what I want to do." In 8th grade she researched college programs, decided on the one she wanted (based on course offerings, internship programs, and cost), and convinced me to take her for a college visit - where she talked to the admissions director and figured everything out.  I've suggested she visit other campuses, and she just says "No thanks, I know where I want to go." When she sets her mind, she doesn't change it. It's kinda scary. Stubborn may be too weak of a word.

Don't get me wrong - she cries over stuff. Like getting a bad grade on a math test, or not being able to find the perfect pair of white shoes (fashion, right?). But she cries, then asks for a hug or help, and gets over it.

My almost-13 year old son is a completely different person. He got all her drama plus his own. :) But he still likes hugs so I'm okay with it!

So much of the fashion industry is embracing technology right now. 3D printing and clothes that light up are
probably the future of the fashion industry, so math and science and fashion, mix very well. Even cutting out patterns, measuring, and making your own patterns requires a lot of math skills. Sounds like you have a very talented & driven daughter! I would encourage her to embrace her passion, even taking her for sewing classes or whatever she is interested in right now. Her hormones are most likely all over the place, which causes mood swings. I was told in developmental psych that sometimes teens are extremely moody and because their hormones are shooting all over the place, they don't even know why they are so emotional. My son was really moody one day and he said, "It's not my fault I have teen angst." And he was so right!

[CatamaranSailor]

Mine's 16. Took some time off and took him to Europe for 2 months. Did the backpack thing. We had never spent so much concentrated time together. We still had issues to resolve, but seeing as he was a long way from home, there was never any "I'm leaving" drama. This forced us to figure out solutions or at least ways to come to a solution. There's no doubt the teen years are tough. But if at all possible, go on some type of adventure with your kid that pushes you both out of your comfort zone. My $.02

[MerryMcQ]

That's great advice. My son went on a backpacking trip with the scouts and came back a changed young man. The sense of self reliance and confidence he got was unbelievable. He has several more planned, even more challenging. :)

[Letj]

My DD is 14 1/2 and gving us a run for our money.  She's your stereotypical teenage girl . . . . mouthy, sassy, disrespectful and a general pain in the ass one minute . . . a charming, helpful, delightful child the next.  I seriously question whether she is schitzophrenic at times . . . or tri-polar . . . or just plain freakin' crazy.  The drama last night ended in her losing her phone and priviledges ONCE AGAIN.  As if last night wasn't enough, we got a fresh start at the drama this morning.  It has absolutely tainted my whole day.  I feel like a damn failure!!  Someone please tell me that I am going to enjoy my time with her again at some point??? Please????!!!

I am here to tell you that it DOES get better. I have two teenage girls and one is very easy to raise and the other impulsive, unreasonable and dramatic. What I've learned that have helped me to survive this horrible stage is the following:

Create a calm, predictable and stable home environment with little parental friction and drama free.
Never get into a battle of wills (I mean never)
Punishment is overrated at this age (they've already learned most of the lessons you've taught them but have not yet internalized them)
Never stop the lectures (they will not want to here it but it's necessary; just don't be too overbearing)
Know their friends and the friend's parents
Never let them spend nights outs or for that matter anytime at friends' houses unless you know the parents and their values
Always make sure that there's parental supervision when teenages get together for a party
Keep loving them and showing affection no matter how crazy they get
Watch the people they associate it
Let them see a therapist to talk through their issues and help them deal with school stress (they may resist but a good therapist can come across as more authentic than parents. They will quicker listen to someone they respect more than parents)
Ensure they participate in activities/stay connected to extended family and family friends, particularly adults. Having the perspectives of other adults they trust, can really help keep them grounded.
Finally, relax and say no as little as possible and draw the line only when their health of safety can be compromised. The good news is they do grow out of that stage and start turning around by 16, depending on how quickly they mature.

The good news is that they do settle down

[bwall]

MerryMcQ; now that you explain it, it makes perfect sense. I've never been accused of having great interpersonal insights.

[Sibley]

Former teenager here. I distinctly remember not KNOWING why I would swing from extreme to extreme in 10 minutes, and that upset me more than whatever was going on. Looking back now, the biggest things that my parents did was to keep daily home life predictable, and to step back and let me figure things out for myself, while being available to help.

Things my parents did that really reduced the conflict, but ultimately resulted in the desired result:
Want the kid to keep their room cleaner? Ignore it. Pretend that room doesn't exist. Do not enter. Let them live in their mess and dirt. Eventually, they'll figure it out. I didn't change my sheets for 6 months or more at a time, despite having 3 cats regularly sleeping with me. At some point, I realized how gross it was and changed. I'm sure my mom breathed a huge sigh of relief when that happened, but she didn't say anything. Ever.

Dirty clothes not put down to wash? Let them run out of clothes. Not your problem. State neutrally that you're going to do laundry now, then do the laundry. If they don't gather dirty clothes, then don't say anything. Ever. Social pressure will do more than anything you can to drive home the message that dirty clothes aren't cool. Meltdowns because clothes are dirty? Neutrally state that all the clothes in the laundry room were washed. End of conversation. They'll get the picture, pretty quickly.

Good luck. I put my parents through hell, and I wasn't even really bad.

[Lis]

Former teenager here...

Want the kid to keep their room cleaner? Ignore it. Pretend that room doesn't exist...

Dirty clothes not put down to wash? Let them run out of clothes. Not your problem...

Another former "good" teenager here, and yes to the above.

Don't be afraid to pass off responsibility to them, too. My mom was sick of me wearing something once for a few hours, not dirtying it up all, and tossing it in the wash. So, at 12, she showed me how to use the washing machine and dryer. Mom had first dibs on times she got to use the washer (generally Saturday and Sunday mornings when I was sleeping), but it was up to me to do my own wash. There were times I ran out of clean clothes. There were times my hamper was bursting. But hey, life lessons at a young age. (If I asked for help, because I had tests and essays or wacky plans, mom would help out. But I did her laundry too sometimes, so it was more of a "we help because we're family," not "you do the laundry cuz you're mom.")

Same with food and dinner. I was a bit of a picky eater as a kid (no meat other than chicken or steak, my food couldn't touch each other, etc.). Since it wasn't extreme (and there were no food allergies), my mom would get me involved with the meal planning for the week - basically, she's planning on cooking x, y, and z this week, and what did I think? If I ever pushed back (which was rare), her response would be, well, I really like this dish, and we already had your favorite, so you can make your own that night if you want. There were a few times that I made my own dinners, but it was rare, and I usually regretted it.

I'm really fascinated by allowances, because I never got one as a kid. I was expected to do chores because I lived there. My parents gave me money when I would go out and do things... while they weren't mustachian by any means, they raised me to not want much and to be frugal (the amount of times young teenage me convinced my friends to go out for ice cream instead of full meals, or to just split fries or something...). When I was old enough to have a summer job, that changed. They specifically didn't want me working through the school year so I could concentrate on school and extracurriculars, but I would be routinely asked 'you okay on money?' (To be fair, as a 27 year old homeowner with a good full time job, I'm still routinely asked 'are you okay on money?')

My parents always (usually) treated me like an adult, even when I was a tiny child. They respected me, let me make my own choices, let me fail at things (mom had to reign dad in on that one). I'm not sure how, but my mom specifically managed to find that really good balance of friend and parent/authority figure.

[Just Joe]

Former teenager here. I distinctly remember not KNOWING why I would swing from extreme to extreme in 10 minutes, and that upset me more than whatever was going on. Looking back now, the biggest things that my parents did was to keep daily home life predictable, and to step back and let me figure things out for myself, while being available to help.

Things my parents did that really reduced the conflict, but ultimately resulted in the desired result:
Want the kid to keep their room cleaner? Ignore it. Pretend that room doesn't exist. Do not enter. Let them live in their mess and dirt. Eventually, they'll figure it out. I didn't change my sheets for 6 months or more at a time, despite having 3 cats regularly sleeping with me. At some point, I realized how gross it was and changed. I'm sure my mom breathed a huge sigh of relief when that happened, but she didn't say anything. Ever.

Dirty clothes not put down to wash? Let them run out of clothes. Not your problem. State neutrally that you're going to do laundry now, then do the laundry. If they don't gather dirty clothes, then don't say anything. Ever. Social pressure will do more than anything you can to drive home the message that dirty clothes aren't cool. Meltdowns because clothes are dirty? Neutrally state that all the clothes in the laundry room were washed. End of conversation. They'll get the picture, pretty quickly.

Good luck. I put my parents through hell, and I wasn't even really bad.

Beware - we have someone in our social group dealing with a late teen son who gave up bathing and laundry and could be described as "Pigpen" (Charlie Brown). He just has no desire to be clean. Yuck. It requires a direct order to get him to clean up.

[TrMama]

Mine's 16. Took some time off and took him to Europe for 2 months. Did the backpack thing. We had never spent so much concentrated time together. We still had issues to resolve, but seeing as he was a long way from home, there was never any "I'm leaving" drama. This forced us to figure out solutions or at least ways to come to a solution. There's no doubt the teen years are tough. But if at all possible, go on some type of adventure with your kid that pushes you both out of your comfort zone. My $.02

Although my oldest is only 10, we've already been through the wringer with her and have had the benefit of getting professional help. All of the professionals have stressed the importance of making sure you have a strong relationship with your kid so they'll tell you what they're thinking. This is apparently the prevention and cure for many teenage problems from mood problems to drug use.

It doesn't mean you have to take your kid to Europe for the summer (though that sounds really fun), but it does mean spending time together doing something they enjoy. It could be watching movies on the couch while eating popcorn, or travelling the world, but I've gotten tons of mileage from just talking to my kid without parenting, directing, lecturing, correcting, etc her. So yeah, sometimes I take her out for ice cream, or take her shopping for a new shirt because those are activities she enjoys and it gives us a chance to hang out and talk to each other rather than just me talking at her. Let me tell you $10 for ice cream is way, way cheaper than the hourly rate for therapy.

[Car Jack]

If you think your teenager is an angel, it's because he's sneaking out in the middle of the night to try to impregnate whatever random female teenager has agreed to meet him.  But he's being careful because he's using the child proof cap on the bottle of oxy.

Teenagers are all morons.

If you haven't had your teenager in patient in a psych hospital......and not needed directions getting there because you've been there before, then I don't want to hear about your problems with teenagers.

In case you missed it, teenagers are all morons.

[Sibley]

Beware - we have someone in our social group dealing with a late teen son who gave up bathing and laundry and could be described as "Pigpen" (Charlie Brown). He just has no desire to be clean. Yuck. It requires a direct order to get him to clean up.

I knew one of those. His parents had to specify that he use soap and shampoo as well, otherwise he'd just get wet but not clean. I heard he eventually cleaned up in college after peer pressure kicked in.

[Sibley]

If you think your teenager is an angel, it's because he's sneaking out in the middle of the night to try to impregnate whatever random female teenager has agreed to meet him.  But he's being careful because he's using the child proof cap on the bottle of oxy.

Teenagers are all morons.

If you haven't had your teenager in patient in a psych hospital......and not needed directions getting there because you've been there before, then I don't want to hear about your problems with teenagers.

In case you missed it, teenagers are all morons.

Sounds like your kid has some serious issues. Sorry you have to deal with that, and hope everything settles in to a functioning adult.

But yes, teenagers are morons.

[Just Joe]

Beware - we have someone in our social group dealing with a late teen son who gave up bathing and laundry and could be described as "Pigpen" (Charlie Brown). He just has no desire to be clean. Yuck. It requires a direct order to get him to clean up.

I knew one of those. His parents had to specify that he use soap and shampoo as well, otherwise he'd just get wet but not clean. I heard he eventually cleaned up in college after peer pressure kicked in.

Last time I saw him he looked like he just quit work on the farm for the day - except it was his day off and he had just started his day. Hmmmm... Maybe his whole family could buy him soap and detergent for gift occasions.

[joonifloofeefloo]

PTF.

My 13 yo boy is mostly sweet, cooperative, kind, etc. Just talks about Minecraft too much. But then he has the crazies! Just, a wave of it now and then. A wave might be 10 minutes or three days. Oy to the latter.

Things that help most days be awesome:
1. Let him get all the sleep he needs
2. Homeschooling/unschooling vs school (more downtime, less overstimulation)
3. Protein, protein, protein
4. Water, water, water
5. Direct exit to the rural outdoors: nature, air, room to move his body
6. Minimize tasks (minimalist life)
7. Reflective listening, reflective listening, reflective listening

I took a course called Triple P parenting for younger kids with disabilities and loved it. I still apply some of that.

And, I am about to move hundreds of kilometers to get me the "loving family and friends" back-up thing going on. When he is crazy, I want him to have at least two people besides me (especially when he is crazy at me) to text, run to, stay with, etc (I parent alone, with zero child care options).

[Pigeon]

I've got two teenaged girls.  They are both good kids in that they don't get in trouble, have positive hobbies, have nice friends, etc.

One of them is a pain in the ass.  I love her dearly.  The drama, however, is exhausting.  When she was a sophomore in high school, I was at my wit's end with her endless arguments.  She's in college now and it's not much better.  I hope at some point, she will grow up emotionally.

The younger one is easy as pie.  A little lazy, but she has so much common sense and emotional intelligence.

[lizzie]

I have two daughters, one 16 and one 18. The older one has always been my more difficult child. But in the last year or so, as she's matured and gained more independence, things have become much more pleasant around the house. And she even seeks me out to spend time with me, and asks me questions about my day, my life, the world, sex and relationships, college, etc. She is turning into a really delightful young woman. I made a lot of mistakes as a parent and I'm just so happy that we nevertheless managed to keep the lines of communication open, even if at times they went unused. There is a light at the end of the tunnel--hang in there!

I once heard a kind of strange metaphor for the parent/teen relationship that's helped me. Think of your child as a swimmer and you're the wall of the pool. They need you there, solid and dependable,  to push off from, and they will return again and again to do it. Not always pleasant for the pool wall! But that's what they need. Thinking of that metaphor helps me take the focus off myself and my feelings and remember that it isn't personal.

[RetirementDreaming]

PTF.

Things that help most days be awesome:
1. Let him get all the sleep he needs
2. Homeschooling/unschooling vs school (more downtime, less overstimulation)
3. Protein, protein, protein
4. Water, water, water
5. Direct exit to the rural outdoors: nature, air, room to move his body
6. Minimize tasks (minimalist life)
7. Reflective listening, reflective listening, reflective listening

+1.  We have an 11 year old son.  This is exactly what works for us.