Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes (Read 367219 times)

Taran Wanderer · « **Reply #900 on:** September 08, 2021, 09:25:46 PM »

Too funny. Like a light in the darkness, that one. He’s a real ham.

RetiredAt63 · « **Reply #901 on:** October 07, 2021, 06:56:58 PM »

For the nerds among us:

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

techwiz · « **Reply #902 on:** October 08, 2021, 07:03:08 AM »

How does a Turkey drink wine?

Spoiler: show

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

Spoiler: show

What do you get after eating way too much turkey and dressing?

Spoiler: show

GuitarStv · « **Reply #903 on:** October 08, 2021, 07:33:45 AM »

My wife was asking if I knew what the etymology of the word politics was, so I thought quickly and said:

It's a two part word . . . 'poli' is from the Greek word poly meaning many, and 'tics' from the small bloodsucking parasites that attach themselves to things and suck away until they've had their fill.

:D

Glenstache · « **Reply #904 on:** October 11, 2021, 08:13:18 PM »

Quote from: RetiredAt63 on October 07, 2021, 06:56:58 PM

For the nerds among us:

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

Don’t you see the sign? No foot, no flute, no serif!

dougules · « **Reply #905 on:** October 12, 2021, 01:12:35 PM »

Quote from: Frankies Girl on October 14, 2016, 06:51:05 AM

Two cows standing in a field. One cow asks the other "So are you worried about mad cow disease?"
The other cow says "Not at all; I'm a helicopter!"

I know this one is from a long time ago, but I just noticed it. I can't figure it out at all. @Frankies Girl or anybody else, can you spell it out for me?

Financial.Velociraptor · « **Reply #906 on:** October 12, 2021, 01:15:54 PM »

Quote from: dougules on October 12, 2021, 01:12:35 PM

Quote from: Frankies Girl on October 14, 2016, 06:51:05 AM
Two cows standing in a field. One cow asks the other "So are you worried about mad cow disease?"
The other cow says "Not at all; I'm a helicopter!"

I know this one is from a long time ago, but I just noticed it. I can't figure it out at all. @Frankies Girl or anybody else, can you spell it out for me?

The second cow is crazy and thinks he is a helicopter. e.g. he already has MCD.

dougules · « **Reply #907 on:** October 12, 2021, 02:18:28 PM »

Quote from: Financial.Velociraptor on October 12, 2021, 01:15:54 PM

Quote from: dougules on October 12, 2021, 01:12:35 PM
Quote from: Frankies Girl on October 14, 2016, 06:51:05 AM
Two cows standing in a field. One cow asks the other "So are you worried about mad cow disease?"
The other cow says "Not at all; I'm a helicopter!"

I know this one is from a long time ago, but I just noticed it. I can't figure it out at all. @Frankies Girl or anybody else, can you spell it out for me?

The second cow is crazy and thinks he is a helicopter. e.g. he already has MCD.

Wow I feel dense.

Radagast · « **Reply #908 on:** October 12, 2021, 02:51:10 PM »

Quote from: RetiredAt63 on October 07, 2021, 06:56:58 PM

For the nerds among us:

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

That bartender sounds like a total typist.

SunnyDays · « **Reply #909 on:** October 12, 2021, 03:40:57 PM »

From a local billboard:

I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop anytime I want.

zolotiyeruki · « **Reply #910 on:** October 12, 2021, 03:54:15 PM »

Quote from: Radagast on October 12, 2021, 02:51:10 PM

Quote from: RetiredAt63 on October 07, 2021, 06:56:58 PM
For the nerds among us:

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”
That bartender sounds like a total typist.

You, sir, deserve a medal for that one.

Dollar Slice · « **Reply #911 on:** October 31, 2021, 11:04:17 PM »

Here's a spooky Halloween joke for you all...

Two Mafia hitmen were walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.

One of them says, "Man, it's creepy walking out here at night like this. Who knows what could be out there in the dark!"

The other says, "Huh, you think YOU'RE scared? I'm the one who has to walk home alone!"

PhilB · « **Reply #912 on:** November 29, 2021, 04:50:54 AM »

How do you tell the age of a Christmas tree?

Spoiler: show

Phenix · « **Reply #913 on:** November 29, 2021, 06:42:19 AM »

Quote from: PhilB on November 29, 2021, 04:50:54 AM

How do you tell the age of a Christmas tree?

Spoiler: show
Count the rings of gaffer tape on the box!

Confession, we actually did that this year.

techwiz · « **Reply #914 on:** March 16, 2022, 01:24:41 PM »

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day?

Spoiler: show

What’s Irish and stays out all night?

Spoiler: show

What does a leprechaun say when you tell him Bono is your favourite singer?

Spoiler: show

What did the leprechaun say on March 17?

Spoiler: show

How can you tell if a leprechaun likes your joke?

Spoiler: show

What happens if you fall in the Irish Sea on St. Patrick’s Day?

Spoiler: show

Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaf clover?

Spoiler: show

What did the leprechaun say when the video game ended?

Spoiler: show

Travis · « **Reply #915 on:** March 20, 2022, 07:25:44 AM »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybPUTvi4YIY&ab_channel=ElonMuskViralVideos

Feel free to watch the video if you want, but you have to read the comments.

Glenstache · « **Reply #916 on:** March 20, 2022, 12:53:42 PM »

Quote from: Travis on March 20, 2022, 07:25:44 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybPUTvi4YIY&ab_channel=ElonMuskViralVideos

Feel free to watch the video if you want, but you have to read the comments.

[applause]

techwiz · « **Reply #917 on:** May 13, 2022, 08:21:23 AM »

'Paraskevidekatriaphobia' is the term used to define the fear of this day.

What happens when Jason Voorhees tells a joke?

Spoiler: show

Tigerpine · « **Reply #918 on:** May 13, 2022, 08:27:45 AM »

Quote from: techwiz on May 13, 2022, 08:21:23 AM

'Paraskevidekatriaphobia' is the term used to define the fear of this day.

What happens when Jason Voorhees tells a joke?
Spoiler: show
It kills

I love it

Glenstache · « **Reply #919 on:** May 13, 2022, 10:53:15 AM »

Quote from: Tigerpine on May 13, 2022, 08:27:45 AM

Quote from: techwiz on May 13, 2022, 08:21:23 AM

'Paraskevidekatriaphobia' is the term used to define the fear of this day.

What happens when Jason Voorhees tells a joke?
Spoiler: show
It kills

I love it

This one cut a little close to home.

Phenix · « **Reply #920 on:** May 13, 2022, 11:37:09 AM »

Quote from: Glenstache on May 13, 2022, 10:53:15 AM

Quote from: Tigerpine on May 13, 2022, 08:27:45 AM
Quote from: techwiz on May 13, 2022, 08:21:23 AM

'Paraskevidekatriaphobia' is the term used to define the fear of this day.

What happens when Jason Voorhees tells a joke?
Spoiler: show
It kills

I love it
This one cut a little close to home.

The guy is somewhat of a cut-up\.

Tigerpine · « **Reply #921 on:** May 17, 2022, 07:51:36 AM »

Can an orange box?
No, but a tomato can.

Spoiler: show

The Guru · « **Reply #922 on:** May 21, 2022, 05:27:30 AM »

My friend was annoying me with bird puns. Well, toucan play that game.

Are glass coffins the wave of the future? Remains to be seen.

Paper Chaser · « **Reply #923 on:** May 21, 2022, 07:16:43 AM »

Wolfpack Mustachian · « **Reply #924 on:** May 21, 2022, 07:24:02 AM »

Quote from: Paper Chaser on May 21, 2022, 07:16:43 AM

How to say Top is in without saying Top is in

nessness · « **Reply #925 on:** June 19, 2022, 06:09:37 PM »

95% of all German Shepherds are dogs.

The other 5% are German Shepherds.

LennStar · « **Reply #926 on:** June 20, 2022, 08:28:52 AM »

Quote from: nessness on June 19, 2022, 06:09:37 PM

95% of all German Shepherds are dogs.

The other 5% are German Shepherds.

As a German I have to correct you that the number is more likely 99,95%

But was a good one nonetheless.

nessness · « **Reply #927 on:** June 21, 2022, 06:29:09 PM »

Quote from: LennStar on June 20, 2022, 08:28:52 AM

Quote from: nessness on June 19, 2022, 06:09:37 PM
95% of all German Shepherds are dogs.

The other 5% are German Shepherds.
As a German I have to correct you that the number is more likely 99,95%

But was a good one nonetheless.

Fair. It would make a fun pie chart if you calculated the actual number.

nereo · « **Reply #928 on:** June 22, 2022, 09:54:47 AM »

What's the Indian man cooking for dinner?

Spoiler: show

GuitarStv · « **Reply #929 on:** June 22, 2022, 10:01:03 AM »

Who is the messiah of dairy?

Cheesus!

LennStar · « **Reply #930 on:** June 24, 2022, 10:56:24 AM »

Quote from: GuitarStv on June 22, 2022, 10:01:03 AM

Who is the messiah of dairy?

Cheesus!

Cheesus Supercheese!

Also congrats to 20K posts!

Radagast · « **Reply #931 on:** July 23, 2022, 01:06:55 PM »

Did you see the news about the guy who got frozen to absolute zero?

They said it was a bit painful at first, but he's 0K now.

Taran Wanderer · « **Reply #932 on:** July 23, 2022, 09:53:43 PM »

Quote from: Radagast on July 23, 2022, 01:06:55 PM

Did you see the news about the guy who got frozen to absolute zero?

They said it was a bit painful at first, but he's 0K now.

Nerd humor. I get it! I get it!

techwiz · « **Reply #933 on:** July 29, 2022, 04:36:10 PM »

Quote from: Taran Wanderer on July 23, 2022, 09:53:43 PM

Quote from: Radagast on July 23, 2022, 01:06:55 PM
Did you see the news about the guy who got frozen to absolute zero?

They said it was a bit painful at first, but he's 0K now.

Nerd humor. I get it! I get it!

I keep getting Calvin and Kelvin mixed up.....

Spoiler: show

dougules · « **Reply #934 on:** August 01, 2022, 01:37:01 AM »

Quote from: techwiz on July 29, 2022, 04:36:10 PM

Quote from: Taran Wanderer on July 23, 2022, 09:53:43 PM
Quote from: Radagast on July 23, 2022, 01:06:55 PM
Did you see the news about the guy who got frozen to absolute zero?

They said it was a bit painful at first, but he's 0K now.

Nerd humor. I get it! I get it!

I keep getting Calvin and Kelvin mixed up.....
Spoiler: show

I for real w*rked (dirty word censored) with a guy whose first name was "Juan" and middle name "Kelvin". I told him he was super cool.

Travis · « **Reply #935 on:** August 01, 2022, 05:34:49 PM »

A friend quoting Rogue One: "Rebellions are built on hope."

Me: I thought they were built on third-party nations secretly sending them weapons?

Friend: Yes, that's what they're hoping for.

GuitarStv · « **Reply #936 on:** August 02, 2022, 07:35:29 AM »

Quote from: techwiz on July 29, 2022, 04:36:10 PM

Quote from: Taran Wanderer on July 23, 2022, 09:53:43 PM
Quote from: Radagast on July 23, 2022, 01:06:55 PM
Did you see the news about the guy who got frozen to absolute zero?

They said it was a bit painful at first, but he's 0K now.

Nerd humor. I get it! I get it!

I keep getting Calvin and Kelvin mixed up.....
Spoiler: show

Fun fact - that picture of Calvin peeing (super popular amongst assholes in lifted trucks) was doctored from a panel drawn by Bill Watterson of Calvin filling a water balloon. Watterson hated it and never wanted it distributed. He also never received any payment for the millions of dollars generated by selling it.

Gronnie · « **Reply #937 on:** August 02, 2022, 10:20:15 AM »

Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same thing?

Spoiler: show

zolotiyeruki · « **Reply #938 on:** August 02, 2022, 10:33:04 AM »

Alright, I got one. Why do the Norwegians put barcodes on the sides of their combat ships?

Spoiler: show

nereo · « **Reply #939 on:** August 08, 2022, 04:44:20 AM »

In recent comments, Pete Rose believes the MLB will finally allow him into the baseball hall of fame at the end of this season. “I’m so sure of it, I called my bookie and placed a large bet on it”

MustacheAndaHalf · « **Reply #940 on:** August 11, 2022, 11:37:08 AM »

I'm surprised in an earlier joke, the biologist and physics teachers didn't stay together. I expected their chemistry to be organic.

Quote

Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaf clover?
Spoiler: show
You might press your luck!

Possible improvement:

Spoiler: show

The Ukrainians need to keep up with their enemies warships, which are always Russian.

By the River · « **Reply #941 on:** October 05, 2022, 08:36:36 AM »

I’m getting real sick of millennial’s attitudes…

Spoiler: show

Credit/blame to Reddit's dadjokes

Taran Wanderer · « **Reply #942 on:** October 05, 2022, 11:44:01 AM »

I was at a bookstore yesterday and I saw a book about how to solve 50% of my problems...

...so I bought two of them.

nereo · « **Reply #943 on:** October 05, 2022, 12:24:37 PM »

Quote from: Taran Wanderer on October 05, 2022, 11:44:01 AM

I was at a bookstore yesterday and I saw a book about how to solve 50% of my problems...

...so I bought two of them.

Now you can solve 75% of your problems.

GuitarStv · « **Reply #944 on:** October 05, 2022, 12:45:48 PM »

Quote from: nereo on October 05, 2022, 12:24:37 PM

Quote from: Taran Wanderer on October 05, 2022, 11:44:01 AM
I was at a bookstore yesterday and I saw a book about how to solve 50% of my problems...

...so I bought two of them.

Now you can solve 75% of your problems.

Bahahahaha!

Glenstache · « **Reply #945 on:** October 05, 2022, 01:14:39 PM »

Quote from: GuitarStv on October 05, 2022, 12:45:48 PM

Quote from: nereo on October 05, 2022, 12:24:37 PM
Quote from: Taran Wanderer on October 05, 2022, 11:44:01 AM
I was at a bookstore yesterday and I saw a book about how to solve 50% of my problems...

...so I bought two of them.

Now you can solve 75% of your problems.

Bahahahaha!

The Zeno paradox problem. I can only ever solve half of it.

For the math nerds: this joke has no limit.

Loretta · « **Reply #946 on:** October 15, 2022, 12:46:13 PM »

I woke up in the middle of the night because I heard noises coming from the refrigerator.

Everything was ok, it turned out it was just the chives talking.

nessness · « **Reply #947 on:** October 17, 2022, 10:04:32 PM »

Learned a new one from my 8-year old today...

What do you get when an elephant steps on your garden?

Spoiler: show

geekette · « **Reply #948 on:** December 19, 2022, 10:01:45 AM »

It’s been six months since I joined the gym, and still no progress!

I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s going on.

LennStar · « **Reply #949 on:** December 19, 2022, 10:31:18 AM »

Quote from: geekette on December 19, 2022, 10:01:45 AM

It’s been six months since I joined the gym, and still no progress!

I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s going on.

Make sure to use the stairs, too many people are escalating every time.

News:

Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes (Read 367219 times)