-The NSA is the only part of government that actually listens to the people.
-The grass is greener on the other side because it's been fertilized with bullshit
-You know Apple is run by men when they call it an iPhone 6+ and it's only 5.5 inches.
-A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out." So he asks, "What's it supposed to be when it's finished?" "According to the picture on the box, a tiger," she answers. So he goes over to help. After about 5 seconds, he turns to her and says, "Honey, I have bad news. No matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." Her eyes get puffy, and she is about to cry. He continues, "So honey, don't get upset, I'm gonna make you a nice cup of tea. And then...we're gonna put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
-A blonde goes to the doctor and he asks what's wrong with her. "Oh, help! I've broken every bone in my body!" she says. "How do you know?" the doctor replies. "Well," she goes on, "It hurts whenever I touch anypart of my body." She touches her arm, "Ow!" Touches her leg, "Oh God!" Touches her wrist, and looks like she's about to cry, and then she touches her foot, and even her jaw. She is literally on the verge of tears. "See, doc?" she finally asks. He thinks for a minute, "OK let's get you X-rayed." She smiles, and agrees that would be a good idea. After her X-ray, she has to wait a few minutes for the results. The doctor and the radiologist are talking loudly outside in the hallway, almost to the point of yelling, but she can't hear what they're saying. Then the doctor comes back in. "Well, I've got good news and bad news," he says. She look at him, "OK." "The good news is you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is you're broken your finger."
-I rear ended a car this morning. A bad start to the day. The driver got out of the car, and he was a dwarf! He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy." I said, "Well, which one are you then?" And that's how the fight started.