Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes  (Read 250747 times)

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #850 on: May 19, 2021, 12:48:59 PM »



HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
Spoiler: show
UNIQUE UP ON HIM


HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
Spoiler: show
THE TAME WAY!

Caroline PF

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #851 on: May 26, 2021, 07:20:55 PM »
what do you call a deer with no eyes?
Spoiler: show
no idear


What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Spoiler: show
Still no idear


what do you call a deer with no eyes no legs and no balls?
Spoiler: show
Still no fucking idear!

dougules

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #852 on: May 28, 2021, 10:59:09 AM »
Your stupid jokes.  (It's what you wanted me to tell you.  Yes, I outdid the hexadecimal joke for groan-worthy)

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #853 on: May 28, 2021, 03:57:43 PM »
Your stupid jokes.  (It's what you wanted me to tell you.  Yes, I outdid the hexadecimal joke for groan-worthy)
I see what you did there. I approve. In hindsight, I'm surprised it took 18 pages to happen.

Travis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #854 on: June 14, 2021, 06:32:16 PM »
What has two butts and kills people?



Spoiler: show
An Assassin

Radagast

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #855 on: June 14, 2021, 07:56:03 PM »
This conversation was made up on the spot:
Me: Watcha doin?
Coworker: Grading this site.
Me: What grade did you give it? A? B?
Coworker: Probably D. It isn't very good.
Me: Oh so it can't drain water...
..............because it's below C-level.

Now that is the high point of grading jokes.


dougules

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #856 on: June 15, 2021, 09:50:25 AM »
What has two butts and kills people?



Spoiler: show
An Assassin


Also an almost empty pack of cigarettes. 

simonsez

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #857 on: June 23, 2021, 11:50:44 AM »
I saw 50 Cent making a sweater.

I said, "Gee, you knit!"

MustachioedPistachio

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #858 on: June 23, 2021, 03:00:30 PM »
From a co-worker:

"If you ever feel the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight", it is just a whim away."

From another:

"What do you call a twitching cow?"

Spoiler: show
Beef jerky

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #859 on: July 31, 2021, 06:23:52 PM »
Why do the riot police wake up so early?
Spoiler: show
To beat the crowds.

dougules

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #860 on: August 02, 2021, 09:03:26 AM »
Why do the riot police wake up so early?
Spoiler: show
To beat the crowds.


That one stings a little. 

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #861 on: August 02, 2021, 09:43:56 AM »
Why do the riot police wake up so early?
Spoiler: show
To beat the crowds.


That one stings a little.
that's just the pepper spray.

LennStar

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #862 on: August 02, 2021, 11:03:36 AM »
Why do the riot police wake up so early?
Spoiler: show
To beat the crowds.


That one stings a little.
that's just the pepper spray.
Though in New York it's called pepperoni spray.

dougules

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #863 on: August 02, 2021, 11:56:17 AM »
Why do the riot police wake up so early?
Spoiler: show
To beat the crowds.


That one stings a little.
that's just the pepper spray.
Though in New York it's called pepperoni spray.

In Louisiana it's called "can I get a little more for my Po' Boy?" 

dougules

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #864 on: August 04, 2021, 05:03:50 PM »
So we got invited to some new friends' house for dinner.  When the food came out we grabbed plates to go dish it up, but we looked down and noticed they were a little grimy looking.  We mentioned it to the friend who had invited us over, and she told us that they were as clean as soap and water could get them.  Not wanting to be rude, we just kind of ignored it and dished up our food.  After we were all done eating, our friend took up the plates and said that she would do the dishes.  She then takes the plates with all the table scraps to the back door, opens it, then yells out "SOOOAAAP! WAAATER! COME AND GET IT!"

Tigerpine

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #865 on: August 04, 2021, 05:20:51 PM »
My favorite Stupid Joke of all time:

Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was a salted.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #866 on: August 04, 2021, 06:12:46 PM »
My favorite Stupid Joke of all time:

Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was a salted.

That's a shell of a joke!

Tigerpine

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #867 on: August 04, 2021, 07:38:21 PM »
My favorite Stupid Joke of all time:

Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was a salted.

That's a shell of a joke!

That was quite the roast!

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #868 on: August 04, 2021, 08:12:08 PM »
My favorite Stupid Joke of all time:

Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was a salted.

That's a shell of a joke!

That was quite the roast!
Well, I hope the peanut that was a salted is feelng butter.

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #869 on: August 05, 2021, 06:35:28 AM »
My favorite Stupid Joke of all time:

Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was a salted.

That's a shell of a joke!

That was quite the roast!
Well, I hope the peanut that was a salted is feelng butter.

He was, until he got himself in a jam.

Tigerpine

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #870 on: August 05, 2021, 07:00:56 AM »
My favorite Stupid Joke of all time:

Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was a salted.

That's a shell of a joke!

That was quite the roast!
Well, I hope the peanut that was a salted is feelng butter.

He was, until he got himself in a jam.

I can't believe it's not butter.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #871 on: August 05, 2021, 09:56:45 AM »
My favorite Stupid Joke of all time:

Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was a salted.



That's a shell of a joke!

That was quite the roast!
Well, I hope the peanut that was a salted is feelng butter.

He was, until he got himself in a jam.

I can't believe it's not butter.

solon

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #872 on: August 05, 2021, 10:16:43 AM »
I can't believe you all are going on and on about the peanut joke and ignoring the soap and water joke right above it!

Tigerpine

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #873 on: August 05, 2021, 10:21:23 AM »
I can't believe you all are going on and on about the peanut joke and ignoring the soap and water joke right above it!

What can I say?  The peanut joke is a timeless classic!

That said, my hat's off to @techwiz ; that was epic.  I've been chuckling ever since I saw his meme.  LOL

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #874 on: August 05, 2021, 10:25:09 AM »
I can't believe you all are going on and on about the peanut joke and ignoring the soap and water joke right above it!
So sorry. I prefer clean jokes. I thought it was going to be a clean joke, but it ended up being a dirty joke.

dougules

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #875 on: August 05, 2021, 10:26:42 AM »
I can't believe you all are going on and on about the peanut joke and ignoring the soap and water joke right above it!
So sorry. I prefer clean jokes. I thought it was going to be a clean joke, but it ended up being a dirty joke.
Why do you have to dog my jokes?

Tigerpine

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #876 on: August 05, 2021, 10:41:07 AM »
I can't believe you all are going on and on about the peanut joke and ignoring the soap and water joke right above it!
So sorry. I prefer clean jokes. I thought it was going to be a clean joke, but it ended up being a dirty joke.
Why do you have to dog my jokes?
Jack Sprat and his wife would have been proud.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #877 on: August 05, 2021, 10:46:49 AM »
I can't believe you all are going on and on about the peanut joke and ignoring the soap and water joke right above it!
So sorry. I prefer clean jokes. I thought it was going to be a clean joke, but it ended up being a dirty joke.
Why do you have to dog my jokes?
Jack Sprat and his wife would have been proud.
It's true. He has this wordplay thing licked.

Tigerpine

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #878 on: August 05, 2021, 11:13:15 AM »
I can't believe you all are going on and on about the peanut joke and ignoring the soap and water joke right above it!
So sorry. I prefer clean jokes. I thought it was going to be a clean joke, but it ended up being a dirty joke.
Why do you have to dog my jokes?
Jack Sprat and his wife would have been proud.
It's true. He has this wordplay thing licked.
One might say he licked it clean!

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #879 on: August 05, 2021, 01:08:27 PM »


The new dishwasher no water or electricity required!

Tigerpine

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #880 on: August 05, 2021, 01:42:53 PM »


The new dishwasher no water or electricity required!

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #881 on: August 29, 2021, 10:08:50 AM »
I make terrible science puns....
Spoiler: show
...but only periodically.

LennStar

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #882 on: August 29, 2021, 11:18:11 AM »
I make terrible science puns....
Spoiler: show
...but only periodically.

Do you choose them from a table?

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #883 on: August 29, 2021, 12:11:10 PM »
I make terrible science puns....
Spoiler: show
...but only periodically.

Do you choose them from a table?
It is much more elemental than that, though it is very noble of you to ask. As a geologist, I often find I get the most out of the rare and earthy ones.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #884 on: August 29, 2021, 12:33:55 PM »
I make terrible science puns....
Spoiler: show
...but only periodically.

Do you choose them from a table?
It is much more elemental than that, though it is very noble of you to ask. As a geologist, I often find I get the most out of the rare and earthy ones.
I was going to be a geologist
Spoiler: show
But I heard it was a pretty rocky career.

habanero

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #885 on: August 30, 2021, 03:21:02 AM »
Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport

A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.

She did not identify the man, who has been charged by the OPP with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Premier said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns"; but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Trudeau said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Fellow Liberal colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by any Prime Minister

Tigerpine

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #886 on: August 30, 2021, 06:43:13 PM »
男:お母さん、いる?
幼児:いらな〜い!

yakamashii

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #887 on: August 30, 2021, 07:04:43 PM »
男:お母さん、いる?
幼児:いらな〜い!

寒いよ~

LennStar

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #888 on: August 31, 2021, 09:05:51 AM »
I'm not sure if that counts as a joke or just bad logic :D

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #889 on: August 31, 2021, 01:09:09 PM »
男:お母さん、いる?
幼児:いらな〜い!

I donít think Google Translate does that one justice.

Tigerpine

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #890 on: August 31, 2021, 03:39:58 PM »
It's a kind of a play on words.  And you're right, it doesn't translate well at all.

It's based on the fact that the man asks a question with a word that could be taken two ways.  You expect it to go the usual way ("Is your mom there?"), but the child took it the other way ("Do you need your mother?")  The exact same question means both things.

I actually saw this on TV years ago, on one of those "Kids say the darndest things" shows.  For some reason, it really stuck with me and still gives me a chuckle to this day.

EDIT:  If Google Translate can ever pull off a translation like that there will truly be no need to learn foreign languages any more.
« Last Edit: August 31, 2021, 03:43:41 PM by Tigerpine »

LennStar

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #891 on: September 02, 2021, 07:13:17 AM »
It's a kind of a play on words.  And you're right, it doesn't translate well at all.

It's based on the fact that the man asks a question with a word that could be taken two ways.  You expect it to go the usual way ("Is your mom there?"), but the child took it the other way ("Do you need your mother?")  The exact same question means both things.

I actually saw this on TV years ago, on one of those "Kids say the darndest things" shows.  For some reason, it really stuck with me and still gives me a chuckle to this day.

EDIT:  If Google Translate can ever pull off a translation like that there will truly be no need to learn foreign languages any more.
Deepl has become very good at German <-> English
The also offer Japanese, but that does not work well.

btw. one of my favorite youtuibe channels is "Kimono mum" - with 2 year old assistant Sutan. Damn, that child can make faces!!!

dougules

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #892 on: September 02, 2021, 11:36:20 AM »
It's a kind of a play on words.  And you're right, it doesn't translate well at all.

It's based on the fact that the man asks a question with a word that could be taken two ways.  You expect it to go the usual way ("Is your mom there?"), but the child took it the other way ("Do you need your mother?")  The exact same question means both things.

I actually saw this on TV years ago, on one of those "Kids say the darndest things" shows.  For some reason, it really stuck with me and still gives me a chuckle to this day.

EDIT:  If Google Translate can ever pull off a translation like that there will truly be no need to learn foreign languages any more.
Deepl has become very good at German <-> English
The also offer Japanese, but that does not work well.

btw. one of my favorite youtuibe channels is "Kimono mum" - with 2 year old assistant Sutan. Damn, that child can make faces!!!

Word play jokes will never translate.  You just have to know the language. 

Travis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #893 on: September 05, 2021, 11:40:44 PM »
Geneticist 1: I've successfully engineered this bacteria to read its DNA backwards!!!
Geneticist 2: AND?

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #894 on: September 06, 2021, 10:12:27 AM »
Geneticist 1: I've successfully engineered this bacteria to read its DNA backwards!!!
Geneticist 2: AND?
I hope you have a whole sequence of these.

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #895 on: September 07, 2021, 03:48:08 AM »
Geneticist 1: I've successfully engineered this bacteria to read its DNA backwards!!!
Geneticist 2: AND?
I hope you have a whole sequence of these.
They can be tough to replicate

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #896 on: September 07, 2021, 10:15:25 AM »
Geneticist 1: I've successfully engineered this bacteria to read its DNA backwards!!!
Geneticist 2: AND?
I hope you have a whole sequence of these.
They can be tough to replicate
I keep a list of the good ones in the back pocket of my genes.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #897 on: September 07, 2021, 10:16:16 AM »

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Spoiler: show
Does it work if the whole joke is in the title?


techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #898 on: September 07, 2021, 11:38:00 AM »
Why did the genetically modified chicken taste better than the regular one?
Spoiler: show
It was CRISPR!

megaschnauzer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #899 on: September 08, 2021, 06:53:30 AM »
i heard these two jokes yesterday. i'm posting the video instead of trying to type it all out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMt7wAkMieI