Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes  (Read 250944 times)

RetiredAt63

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #800 on: November 10, 2020, 08:57:23 AM »
I was approached by some sleazy social media marketing company today - they offered me sex with an 18-year-old underwear model in exchange for advertising some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends online. I (obviously!) declined, since I'm a person of high moral standards and strong willpower. Almost as strong as Ajax tile and tub cleaner, which powers through mildew and soap scum with ease - now available in a new lemon fresh scent!

Giggle.   ;-)

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #801 on: November 10, 2020, 11:32:58 AM »
I found out yesterday, that there is a tradition of "First Dogs" in the White House which Trump has broken.

So... what is the difference between Trump and a First Dog?

The dog puts less crap in the White House.
In that vein...
Why wasn't Trump let back into the Oval Office?

Spoiler: show
Because it was FOR BIDEN

LennStar

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #802 on: November 10, 2020, 12:11:32 PM »
and here I thougt it sounded too feminine and that he is a MAN!

Loretta

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #803 on: November 18, 2020, 06:22:33 AM »
My coworker told me this one on Monday:

Q.  Why did the scarecrow win an award? 



A.  Because he was out standing in his field. 

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #804 on: November 18, 2020, 12:11:56 PM »
Question: Would a person who takes care of chickens be known as a chicken tender?

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #805 on: November 18, 2020, 12:23:15 PM »
Question: Would a person who takes care of chickens be known as a chicken tender?

A Cannibal Is Consuming a Farmer When a Cop Comes By

Cop: Are you eating someone?

Cannibal: No, sir. You see, this man owned chickens when he was alive.

Cop: How does that change anything?

Cannibal; You see, Iím not eating a person. I am eating a chicken tender.

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #806 on: November 18, 2020, 05:05:11 PM »
If the chicken tender had food in hand, would he be a chick magnet?

(Question applies before the cannibal gets to him/her.)

solon

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #807 on: November 20, 2020, 06:51:32 AM »
I have started investing in stocks. Chicken, beef, and vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillionaire.

PhilB

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #808 on: November 20, 2020, 09:05:32 AM »
I have started investing in stocks. Chicken, beef, and vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillionaire.

You definitely win the internet for today.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #809 on: November 20, 2020, 09:23:16 AM »
I have started investing in stocks. Chicken, beef, and vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillionaire.

You definitely win the internet for today.
As they say, that stock has good bones.

LennStar

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #810 on: November 20, 2020, 12:11:00 PM »
I have started investing in stocks. Chicken, beef, and vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillionaire.

You definitely win the internet for today.
As they say, that stock has good bones.
And some good meat on those, too!

The Guru

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #811 on: November 21, 2020, 07:43:29 AM »
I have started investing in stocks. Chicken, beef, and vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillionaire.

You definitely win the internet for today.
As they say, that stock has good bones.
And some good meat on those, too!

I guess that's what it boils down to.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #812 on: November 23, 2020, 07:12:39 AM »
I have started investing in stocks. Chicken, beef, and vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillionaire.

You definitely win the internet for today.
As they say, that stock has good bones.
And some good meat on those, too!

I guess that's what it boils down to.

Rest in peace boiling water.
You will be mist.

Daley

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #813 on: November 23, 2020, 08:02:05 AM »
I have started investing in stocks. Chicken, beef, and vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillionaire.

You definitely win the internet for today.
As they say, that stock has good bones.
And some good meat on those, too!

I guess that's what it boils down to.

Rest in peace boiling water.
You will be mist.

This joke is so steamy, I'd swear you're working blue.

LennStar

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #814 on: November 23, 2020, 09:12:03 AM »
I have started investing in stocks. Chicken, beef, and vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillionaire.

You definitely win the internet for today.
As they say, that stock has good bones.
And some good meat on those, too!

I guess that's what it boils down to.

Rest in peace boiling water.
You will be mist.

This joke is so steamy, I'd swear you're working blue.
Well, thankfully I have protective clothing, so I only end up being a blue collar worker.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #815 on: November 23, 2020, 09:35:44 AM »


Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Spoiler: show
because he Neverlands - I love this joke because it never gets old!

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #816 on: November 23, 2020, 10:07:51 AM »

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Spoiler: show
because he Neverlands - I love this joke because it never gets old!

That joke has a really good hook.

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #817 on: November 23, 2020, 10:24:54 AM »

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Spoiler: show
because he Neverlands - I love this joke because it never gets old!

That joke has a really good hook.
Oh grow up.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #818 on: November 23, 2020, 12:05:29 PM »

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Spoiler: show
because he Neverlands - I love this joke because it never gets old!

That joke has a really good hook.
Oh grow up.
Turns out little Peter Pan wasn't a good mustachian. I guess he was living in a financial fairytale or something.
Catch me if you can.
I won't grow up.
Not a penny will I pinch.
I will never grow a mustache,
Or a fraction of an inch.

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #819 on: November 26, 2020, 08:15:01 PM »
A guy is driving around  and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a damn liar. He never did any of that stuff."


Travis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #820 on: November 26, 2020, 08:18:26 PM »

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Spoiler: show
because he Neverlands - I love this joke because it never gets old!

That joke has a really good hook.
Oh grow up.
Turns out little Peter Pan wasn't a good mustachian. I guess he was living in a financial fairytale or something.
Catch me if you can.
I won't grow up.
Not a penny will I pinch.
I will never grow a mustache,
Or a fraction of an inch.


And when forced to grow up he became a workaholic corporate lawyer.

Turkey Leg

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #821 on: November 28, 2020, 05:58:56 PM »
I had a Rudy Giuliani joke, but itís lost its appeal.

(From Twitter: @RDEliason)

(Edited to correct the spelling of the deranged manís name.)
« Last Edit: November 29, 2020, 10:07:59 AM by Turkey Leg »

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #822 on: November 28, 2020, 06:36:22 PM »
As a conservative, all I can say to that joke is




Bwahahahahahhahahahah!!!!!!!

nessness

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #823 on: November 29, 2020, 11:46:22 AM »
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?

Spoiler: show
Prime-mates.

LennStar

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #824 on: November 29, 2020, 01:59:25 PM »
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?

Spoiler: show
Prime-mates.

Only if they have an Prime account. Hint: It is not mandatory, even if Amazon wants it to be.

nessness

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #825 on: November 29, 2020, 05:05:50 PM »
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?

Spoiler: show
Prime-mates.

Only if they have an Prime account. Hint: It is not mandatory, even if Amazon wants it to be.
Well, yes, but it's a better joke without including the "Prime".

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #826 on: November 30, 2020, 01:35:58 PM »
Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5, and 6 come before episodes 1, 2, and 3?

Spoiler: show
 Because in charge of the planning Yoda was.

Goldielocks

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #827 on: November 30, 2020, 04:54:47 PM »
"As they say, Ya gotta spend money to lose money".


A quote from comedian Joelist that cracked me up today.  Maybe I have been alone too long.  :-)

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #828 on: December 02, 2020, 02:36:23 PM »
Stolen from Dan Rather:

Why is the Trump White House suddenly a very polite place to work?
Spoiler: show

Everyoneís going around saying ďpardon me.Ē


Taran Wanderer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #829 on: December 02, 2020, 11:06:44 PM »
Snow White, Superman, and Pinocchio are out one day for a stroll in town.  As they walk, they come across a sign:  Beauty Contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.  "I'm entering," says Snow White.

After an hour, she comes out, and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"

"First place," says Snow White.

They continue walking, and they see a sign:  Contest for the strongest man in the world.  "I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"First place," answers Superman.  "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:  Contest!  Who is the greatest liar in the world?  Pinocchio says, "This is mine!"

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.  "What happened?" they ask.

"Who the hell is Donald Trump?" asks Pinocchio.

Dollar Slice

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #830 on: December 11, 2020, 10:46:23 PM »
Yo mama's so old.... she's getting vaccinated next week.

Moonwaves

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #831 on: December 12, 2020, 08:34:45 AM »
What hides in a bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy!

yakamashii

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #832 on: January 19, 2021, 07:01:03 AM »
Why was Superman down in the dumps?

Spoiler: show
He asked Wonder Woman out, but she said she just wanted to be Super Friends.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #833 on: March 09, 2021, 02:26:02 PM »

This Sunday, March 14, 2021, 3:00:00 am we switch to daylight saving time losing an hour of sleep....
I don't think of it as losing an hour of sleep this weekend. I think of it as being an hour closer to breakfast.

How I feel about Daylight Savings

       no  no  no
    no              no
  no       \__       no
    no              no
       no  no  no

I don't get the reasoning behind switching to Daylight Savings Time....
I guess I'm still in the dark

Thanks to Daylight Savings Time...
My Sexual endurance was greatly improved to 1 hour and 3 minutes!

If I ever run out of spring ahead jokes....
Iíve always have daylight savings time puns to fall back on


techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #834 on: April 30, 2021, 08:13:10 AM »

Can February March?
Spoiler: show
No, but April May!

Why is the letter A like a flower?
Spoiler: show
A bee (B) comes after it!

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Spoiler: show
Pilgrims!

Why are trees very forgiving?
Spoiler: show
Because in the Fall they "Let It Go" and by May Day they "turn over a new leaf".

What do you get if you cross a bike and a flower?
Spoiler: show
Bicycle petals!

What do you get when you plant kisses?
Spoiler: show
Tu-lips (two-lips).

What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night?
Spoiler: show
The Day-zzz.

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
Spoiler: show
A collie-flower!

What did the bee say to the flower?
Spoiler: show
Hello honey!

What's a bees favourite flower?
Spoiler: show
A bee-gonias!

frugalnacho

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #835 on: April 30, 2021, 08:27:25 AM »
May day is on April 30?

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #836 on: April 30, 2021, 08:35:55 AM »
May day is on April 30?

It's my power of positive thinking I am already enjoying the weekend! Or I could argue it's already May 1st in Australia. ;)

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #837 on: April 30, 2021, 08:47:18 AM »
May day is on April 30?

It's my power of positive thinking I am already enjoying the weekend! Or I could argue it's already May 1st in Australia. ;)

... and why is May the favorite month in Canada? Because it sounds like 'eh'.

frugalnacho

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #838 on: April 30, 2021, 08:58:33 AM »
May day is on April 30?

It's my power of positive thinking I am already enjoying the weekend! Or I could argue it's already May 1st in Australia. ;)

Crikey!

RetiredAt63

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #839 on: April 30, 2021, 09:22:25 AM »
I had to translate What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night?
Spoiler: hide
The Day-zzz.


Because Day-zed just doesn't work.    ;-) 

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #840 on: April 30, 2021, 05:11:50 PM »
Yo mama's so old.... she's getting vaccinated next week.
Well (thankfully) that joke didnít Ďageí well...

dougules

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #841 on: May 05, 2021, 03:25:49 PM »
I thought I would post the single nerdiest joke in the world.  If you get it it means you're a geek.

What's the answer to Hamlet's question?

Spoiler: show
2B OR NOT(2B) = FF because anything or'ed with its complement is all 1s

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #842 on: May 05, 2021, 05:53:03 PM »
I thought I would post the single nerdiest joke in the world.  If you get it it means you're a geek.

What's the answer to Hamlet's question?

Spoiler: show
2B OR NOT(2B) = FF because anything or'ed with its complement is all 1s


That's a heck of a decimal joke! ;)

megaschnauzer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #843 on: May 14, 2021, 01:01:19 PM »
what do you call a deer with no eyes?
Spoiler: show
no idear

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #844 on: May 16, 2021, 11:20:36 PM »
And what do you call a deer with no antlers?

Spoiler: show
A doe. (This only works after reading the last ones)

Moonwaves

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #845 on: May 17, 2021, 12:14:50 AM »
Why is Pavlov's beard so soft?

Spoiler: show
Because he conditions it.

Moonwaves

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #846 on: May 19, 2021, 03:42:31 AM »
What do you call a camel with no humps?

Spoiler: show
Humphrey

solon

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #847 on: May 19, 2021, 09:40:55 AM »
letters

dougules

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #848 on: May 19, 2021, 10:02:45 AM »
letters

I feel embarrassed for how long I was hating you for not giving the answer to the riddle. 

RetiredAt63

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #849 on: May 19, 2021, 12:31:31 PM »
letters

I feel embarrassed for how long I was hating you for not giving the answer to the riddle.

It's a "who's on first" sort of thing.