Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes  (Read 250948 times)

Brother Esau

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #700 on: October 29, 2019, 09:10:50 AM »
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me, but I didn’t show up.

I'm hoping she gets the message that we’re not working out.

geekette

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #701 on: October 29, 2019, 09:52:04 AM »
There is a fine line between numerator and denominator.

Only a fraction of people will get the joke.
And those who do will be divided on whether it’s funny or not. 

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #702 on: October 29, 2019, 09:55:00 AM »
Our work has a lost and found.  The other day someone turned in a giant telescope.  We don't know who it belong to yet, but we are all looking into it.

geekette

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #703 on: October 30, 2019, 09:17:21 AM »
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?

Because they have no body to go with.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #704 on: October 30, 2019, 09:58:41 AM »
Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift?

Spoiler: show
She had bad BLOOD!

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #705 on: October 30, 2019, 10:00:56 AM »

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #706 on: January 15, 2020, 09:34:40 AM »
I went to a sporting goods store and asked the clerk if they sold camouflaged pants

”Yes”, he replied, “but I can never find where they are.”

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #707 on: January 21, 2020, 03:19:17 PM »
I went to a sporting goods store and asked the clerk if they sold camouflaged pants

”Yes”, he replied, “but I can never find where they are.”
See also: Space Force uniforms....

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #708 on: January 22, 2020, 09:03:04 AM »

DadJokes

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Travis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #710 on: January 22, 2020, 05:25:18 PM »
There have been memes going around the last few days after it was announced the Space Force will just use the Army uniform with a different patches. The jokes were why we're using green camouflage in space? 

The government isn't throwing another billion dollars at another new uniform and people are upset?

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #711 on: January 23, 2020, 04:58:28 AM »
There have been memes going around the last few days after it was announced the Space Force will just use the Army uniform with a different patches. The jokes were why we're using green camouflage in space? 

The government isn't throwing another billion dollars at another new uniform and people are upset?

Those are the only two options? Really?

Trifele

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #712 on: January 23, 2020, 05:18:39 AM »

Q:What did the frog order at McDonald’s?
 
Spoiler: show
A:French flies and a diet Croak



What did the frog order for his tadpole?
 
Spoiler: show
A: A Hoppy Meal

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #713 on: January 23, 2020, 08:55:54 AM »

2020 is a Leap Year is are some stupid jokes for Feb 29th.

What do athletes wear on Leap Day?
Spoiler: show
Jumpsuits.

What do you call a talking Kangaroo?
Spoiler: show
Unbe-Leap-able.

Where do most people eat on Leap Day?
Spoiler: show
IHOP.

What kind of music do you listen to on Leap Day?
Spoiler: show
Hip Hop.

What do kids play on Leap Day?
Spoiler: show
Hop-scotch

What do you tell a hitchhiker on Leap Day?
Spoiler: show
Hop In.

What did baby kangaroo say to mama kangaroo?
Spoiler: show
Don't leap me hanging.

What does a lawyer do on Leap Day?
Spoiler: show
Jump to conclusions.

What is a frog's favorite time of year?
Spoiler: show
Leap Day.

What do you call a talking frog?
Spoiler: show
A quantum leap.

What do surgeons perform on Leap Day?
Spoiler: show
Hop-erations.

Travis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #714 on: January 23, 2020, 04:08:49 PM »
There have been memes going around the last few days after it was announced the Space Force will just use the Army uniform with a different patches. The jokes were why we're using green camouflage in space? 

The government isn't throwing another billion dollars at another new uniform and people are upset?

Those are the only two options? Really?

Maybe it wouldn't be that severe for Space Force since they should all be in laboratories and offices, but in the Army every time they change the duty uniform they have to change all of the field equipment to match.  Multiplied by one million soldiers it's a noticeable amount of money. 

lizzzi

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #715 on: January 23, 2020, 05:33:56 PM »
Did you hear about the angry pancake? It just flipped.

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #716 on: February 19, 2020, 01:22:46 PM »
What do you do if you are addicted to seaweed?

Spoiler: show
Sea Kelp.

Loretta

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #717 on: February 19, 2020, 03:28:31 PM »
Q.  What do you call a bad sausage? 


A.  The wurst!!!!!  (Haha, gets me every time.).

geekette

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #718 on: February 19, 2020, 05:24:11 PM »
The only thing Flat-Earthers fear is sphere itself.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #719 on: February 19, 2020, 05:41:22 PM »
The only thing Flat-Earthers fear is sphere itself.
That's a good, well rounded joke.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #720 on: February 20, 2020, 07:16:27 AM »
What kind of bagel can fly?

Spoiler: show
A plain bagel

geekette

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #721 on: February 26, 2020, 07:03:31 PM »
What happens to your car if you press the accelerator pedal and the brake at the same time?

It takes a screenshot.

Moonwaves

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #722 on: February 27, 2020, 01:15:07 AM »
Haven't managed to catch up on this thread so apologies if this is in here already.

Why are Toblerones triangular in shape?

So they'll fit into the boxes.

lizzzi

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #723 on: February 27, 2020, 05:15:30 AM »
Why did the bank teller quit his job?

He lost interest.

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #724 on: February 27, 2020, 06:19:42 AM »
A pastor was repairing the roof one afternoon day when he noticed a young boy watching him intently.  He called out to the boy - “are you hoping to learn some skills, maybe see how a roof is put together?”

“No,” replied the boy, “I just want to know what a pastor says when he hits his thumb with a hammer”

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #725 on: March 01, 2020, 12:42:28 PM »
What goes well with Corona virus?



Lyme disease.

DadJokes

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #726 on: March 01, 2020, 05:11:06 PM »
Two people are talking. One says to the other, "The other day I met a man with a wooden leg named Smith."

The other says, "That's nice. What's the name of the other leg?"



We just watched Mary Poppins. I forgot about that gem.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #727 on: March 02, 2020, 11:45:48 AM »
Lots of great ones from that movie during that scene:

"The other day the lady next door had a knock at the door. When she opened it, a man outside said, 'I'm terribly sorry, but I've just run over your cat. I'd like to replace it.' 'That all right,' she said, 'but how are you at catching mice?"
 
"'Reminds me of a guy I know who got a cushy job in a watch factory. 'What does he do?  'He stands about all day and makes faces!"

"Well it's about me granddad, see, and one night he has a nightmare. So bad, he chewed his pillow to bits. In the morning, I says, 'How you feeling, Granddad?' "Oh not bad, a little down in the mouth!"

 "A friend of mine went to buy some long underwear. The shopkeeper asked him, 'How long do you want it?' From about September to March!"
 

Travis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #728 on: March 13, 2020, 05:00:26 AM »
I've never seen this before. What are you playing?

Battleship.

Is it any fun?

It's hit or miss.

solon

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #729 on: March 13, 2020, 03:05:55 PM »
The World Health Organization has determined that dogs can't carry the coronavirus. Any dogs currently in quarantine are free to go.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

lexde

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #730 on: March 14, 2020, 06:52:05 PM »
Who did the shark leave his estate to when he died?

His beneFISHiaries.

(I will see myself out, thanks).

megaschnauzer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #731 on: March 17, 2020, 01:26:01 PM »
st patrick's day joke:
what's green and sits on your back porch?
paddy o'furniture

Travis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #732 on: March 24, 2020, 07:33:42 PM »
Seeing all the jokes about toilet paper shortages. I don't find them very Charmin. It's Scott to stop soon. This is Northern to laugh about! Is this some kind of vast 2-ply conspiracy? Very hard to absorb it all. I mean it wipes me out! I guess I will just roll along with everybody else. I have to go now, I'm feeling flushed.

JoJo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #733 on: March 29, 2020, 06:08:23 PM »
Ethel was visiting her friend Martha at her home for the first time.

Ethel exclaimed "You have such a beautiful home, Martha. I especially like those 3 fancy vases on your mantle."

Martha replied "Those aren't vases, they're urns... this one is my first husband Bill, this one is my second husband Jim, and that one is my third husband Ted"

Ethel replied with a very whiny voice, "Uh, that's so unfair. I've never been married and you have husbands to burn!".

JoJo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #734 on: March 29, 2020, 06:09:59 PM »
A frugal customer went to the market to buy toilet paper and was asking the clerk for advice...the clerk said "well the one on the top shelf is Charmain for $5 for 4 roll, the next one is Scotts and it's $4 for 4 rolls, and the one on the bottom shelf with no label is $2 for 4 rolls." The guy chose the cheapest package. The next week he was back in the store and told the clerk they should name the TP "John Wayne". The clerk asked why and the customer replied "well, that toilet paper is rough and tough and it doesn't take crap from anyone."

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #735 on: March 29, 2020, 09:00:00 PM »
Day 17 of the quarantine.

My wife called out from the other room and asked if I ever get a stabbing pain in my chest like someone has a voodoo doll of me and is stabbing.

I replied no.

She responded, how about now?

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #736 on: March 29, 2020, 09:00:48 PM »
I told my wife how thankful I was to have someone I enjoyed being quarantined with.

She said, "Must be nice."

Taran Wanderer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #737 on: March 29, 2020, 09:01:14 PM »
Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should just keep washing our hands???

erutio

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #738 on: March 30, 2020, 09:28:40 AM »
What do you tell yourself when you wake up late for work and realize you have a fever?

Self, I so late.

dandarc

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #739 on: March 30, 2020, 09:41:27 AM »
They told us to wear gloves and masks when we go to the grocery store.

But when I got there, everyone else was wearing clothes.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #740 on: March 30, 2020, 09:45:22 AM »
What are people doing with all that toilet paper they are hoarding?



Travis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #741 on: April 16, 2020, 02:16:40 AM »
How do IT departments protect network users from viruses?






A subnet mask!

zolotiyeruki

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #742 on: April 16, 2020, 04:38:00 AM »
How do IT departments protect network users from viruses?
Wow that one's good/bad on multiple levels!

Travis

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #743 on: April 19, 2020, 09:45:06 PM »
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chap stick.



She still isn't speaking to me.

RetiredAt63

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #744 on: April 26, 2020, 06:12:02 PM »
In the "Dad Jokes" category"

I refused to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft.  But when I got home...

all the signs were there.

Koogie

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #745 on: June 15, 2020, 04:26:53 PM »
In the "Dad Jokes" category"

I refused to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft.  But when I got home...

all the signs were there.

I guess his employer must have told him it was their way or the highway...

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #746 on: June 15, 2020, 05:44:50 PM »
Why do most fish live in salt water?

Spoiler: show
Because pepper water makes them sneeze

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #747 on: June 16, 2020, 06:22:22 AM »
What comes after a Mayfly?

Spoiler: show
A June Bug

DadJokes

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #748 on: June 16, 2020, 07:24:31 AM »
What state is best known for the quantity of laundry done there?

Spoiler: show
Washington

The Guru

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #749 on: July 09, 2020, 08:50:45 PM »
i just read that the creator of auto-correct has passed away. May he restaurant in peace.