Author Topic: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes  (Read 251016 times)

solon

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #650 on: April 03, 2019, 04:54:50 PM »
Why do short people have trouble raising a family?

Because they can't put food on the table.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #651 on: April 04, 2019, 11:52:30 AM »

Q: What do you get when you cross a hamburger with a computer?
   
Spoiler: show
 A: A big mac!


Q: If Burger King married Dairy Queen where would they live?
 
Spoiler: show
 A: At White Castle


Q: Why did the rooster go to Burger King?
   
Spoiler: show
A: To see a chicken strip.


Q: What do you call a pig thief? 
Spoiler: show
    A:A hamburglar.


Q:What did the frog order at McDonald’s?
 
Spoiler: show
A:French flies and a diet Croak


Q: How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
Spoiler: show
A: Meet patty (meat patty)


Q: What did the hamburger say to the pickle?
Spoiler: show
A: You’re dill-icious!


Q: How do you insult a hamburger patty?
Spoiler: show
A: Call it a meatball



Q: How do you make a hamburger smile?
Spoiler: show
A: Pickle it gently!


Q: Did you hear about the hamburger who couldn’t stop making jokes?
Spoiler: show
A: He was on a roll!

birdman2003

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #652 on: May 03, 2019, 09:26:38 AM »
What's the opposite of Christopher Walken?

Christopher Reeve

solon

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #653 on: May 03, 2019, 09:33:55 AM »
What's the opposite of Christopher Walken?

Christopher Reeve

...groan...

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #654 on: May 03, 2019, 02:19:04 PM »
Lame Game of Thrones jokes

If Jaime usurped the Iron Throne, what would be his first act?
Spoiler: show
Finding a Hand of the King.


What does the little Stark boy desperately need?
Spoiler: show
Some Bran’ new legs.


When did Brienne realise Jaime was hitting on her?
Spoiler: show
When he asked: “Are you sure we’re not related?”


The bakers of King’s Landing took their revenge on Joffrey by retrieving his body, cutting him up and putting him in a sandwich. What was it called?
Spoiler: show
Joffrey’s inbred.


What did the railing say to reassure the staircase?
Spoiler: show
“A banister always pays its steps.”


Why didn’t Theon cut Ramsay’s throat with that razor blade?
Spoiler: show
He didn’t have the balls.



The Starks may not have the Iron Throne, but they do have ...
Spoiler: show
Iron MAN.


Why was winter running so late?
Spoiler: show
Winterfell and it couldn’t get up.


Which Game of Thrones character is most like Santa Claus?
Spoiler: show
Ho Ho Hodor! (Honourable mention: Khal Hoho)


Some of Daenerys’ troops have started strolling instead of marching. What’s their nickname?
Spoiler: show
The Unhurried.


When someone swears allegiance to Daenerys, they are ...
Spoiler: show
Jumping on the band-dragon.


What do you call a creepy ex-boyfriend north of the Wall?
Spoiler: show
A White Stalker.


What is Roose Bolton’s favourite dessert?
Spoiler: show
The dread tort.


Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #655 on: May 03, 2019, 02:20:14 PM »
What's the opposite of Christopher Walken?

Christopher Reeve

...groan...
I know. He can't stand that joke.

Koogie

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #656 on: May 08, 2019, 02:01:31 PM »
I used to eat a lot of natural food.



I stopped when I read that most people die of natural causes.


Loren Ver

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #657 on: May 31, 2019, 02:00:52 PM »
What do you get when you cross a rhetorical question with a joke?

Answer:
Spoiler: show
     

geekette

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #658 on: May 31, 2019, 04:43:33 PM »
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #659 on: July 19, 2019, 10:49:40 AM »
I was going to look for my missing watch.....
Spoiler: show
 but I could never find the time.

dandarc

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #660 on: July 19, 2019, 11:19:14 AM »
I tried to write more self-deprecating jokes.

Spoiler: show
But I'm just too stupid.

BTDretire

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #661 on: July 21, 2019, 03:25:09 PM »
When my grandmother was 22yrs old she had a cute little rose tattooed on her left breast.
 When I was 22 yrs old, I was privy to see that rose had grown into a long stemmed rose.
« Last Edit: July 21, 2019, 06:59:48 PM by BTDretire »

BTDretire

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #662 on: July 21, 2019, 06:39:17 PM »
Why do bees have sticky hair ?

Spoiler: show
Because they use honey combs


Reminds me of a very stupid rhyme my dad always tells:

"I eat my peas with honey,
I've done so all my life.
It makes them taste real funny,
But it keeps them on my knife!"

Confucius said, " she who cooks meat and peas in same pot, unsanitary!

What a sexist, we need to removed all of his wisdom from history. /s/^2

marty998

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #663 on: July 25, 2019, 01:31:06 AM »
If I boil a funny bone, does it become a laughing stock?

marty998

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #664 on: July 25, 2019, 01:32:11 AM »
"Wish I had the chance to prove money doesn't buy happiness!"

A Fella from Stella

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #665 on: July 29, 2019, 12:57:52 PM »
2 Jews walk into a bar

and they buy the place.


MOD EDIT: One of the forum rules is "use good taste." Jokes that can be perceived as anti-Semitic probably cross that line.
« Last Edit: July 31, 2019, 02:27:26 PM by arebelspy »

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #666 on: July 29, 2019, 01:08:59 PM »
Since I am heading to Nova Scotia to visit the in-laws, why not share a stupid Lobster joke...

What the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
Spoiler: show
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
   

CowboyAndIndian

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #667 on: July 29, 2019, 02:30:21 PM »
2 Jews walk into a bar

and they buy the place.

Not funny dude!

Lulee

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #668 on: July 30, 2019, 04:16:22 PM »
Not funny dude!

Hopefully the moderators will soon chuck it out if A Fella from Stella doesn't come to their senses and remove it themselves.

A Fella from Stella

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #669 on: August 05, 2019, 12:45:38 PM »
2 Jews walk into a bar

and they buy the place.

Not funny dude!

Saying that these two guys who happen to be Jewish are good at business is not offensive. I can speak for at least one Jew on this point. What I will say is that it's actually not funny because the setup is missing a step. Also, technically speaking, it's lacking in the 5 elements of humor.

But while we're policing "stupid jokes," for which mine qualified, let's get rid of "why can't Helen Keller drive?" which I told my wife and daughters, and they thought was hilarious. I chastised them for being bad feminists, but they claimed that they couldn't help it; it was just funny.

And how about "2 seals walk into a club." End of joke. That's on here, too.

A Fella from Stella

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #670 on: August 05, 2019, 12:47:19 PM »
Not funny dude!

Hopefully the moderators will soon chuck it out if A Fella from Stella doesn't come to their senses and remove it themselves.

See above.

On another note, I'm laughing at the great quote you have under your profile pic. Thanks for that. I've definitely felt the same way.
« Last Edit: August 05, 2019, 12:50:02 PM by A Fella from Stella »

Radagast

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #671 on: August 05, 2019, 10:17:12 PM »
Propaganda: A British person taking a good look at something.

JoJo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #672 on: August 07, 2019, 09:32:46 PM »
Did you hear Willie Nelson died?  He was playing on the road again.

frugalnacho

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #673 on: August 21, 2019, 07:18:49 AM »
2 Jews walk into a bar

and they buy the place.


MOD EDIT: One of the forum rules is "use good taste." Jokes that can be perceived as anti-Semitic probably cross that line.

How is that anti-semitic? It's stereotyping, but with a positive quality.

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #674 on: August 21, 2019, 07:37:33 AM »
2 Jews walk into a bar

and they buy the place.


MOD EDIT: One of the forum rules is "use good taste." Jokes that can be perceived as anti-Semitic probably cross that line.

How is that anti-semitic? It's stereotyping, but with a positive quality.
It plays on anti-Semitic tropes that Jews are the ones who control the financial and property systems, and by extension that they hold power over everyone else.  See stereotypes about the Jewish landlord, banker and owner (often prefixed with adjectives like "shrewd" and "greedy").

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #675 on: August 21, 2019, 05:44:10 PM »
Chicken loses job

Chicken needs money

Chicken strips ($5.99)!

A Fella from Stella

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #676 on: August 22, 2019, 10:29:48 AM »
From the movie "Look Who's Talking"

Q: How may babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What's a light bulb?

A Fella from Stella

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #677 on: August 22, 2019, 10:31:29 AM »
Chicken loses job

Chicken needs money

Chicken strips ($5.99)!

nice.

DadJokes

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #678 on: August 22, 2019, 01:46:13 PM »
A child goes to school on his first day. However, he is a little late, and there is only one desk left in the classroom. He sits down and notices something carved on the desk, so he raises his hand and tells the teacher something is carved into the desk. She asks what it says, so he answers with "Purple Passion."

The teacher gets furious. Yelling at the boy, she tells him to go straight to the office.

The boy is now sitting in the principal's office, and the principal asks him why he is there. He tells the principal that he was late to school on the first day, so there was only one desk available. When he sat down, he noticed something was carved in the desk. He told the teacher, and she sent him to the principal's office. The principal asks the boy what was carved on the desk, so the boy answers, "Purple Passion."

The principal gets even more furious than the teacher. He points to the door and screams at the boy to get out of his school, telling him that he is suspended until further notice.

Not even allowed to wait for his parents, the boy starts walking home. After about ten minutes, a police officer pulls up beside him and asks the boy why he isn't in school. The boy is nervous, but remembers his parents telling him that he can trust police officers. He tells the officer that he was late to his first day of school, so there was only one desk available. When he sat down, he saw something carved in it. When he told the teacher, she sent him to the office, and when he told the principal, he suspended the boy and made him walk home. The officer didn't think any of that made sense, but he asked the boy what was carved in the desk that upset everyone so much. The boy pauses, but tells the officer, "Purple Passion."

The kind officer immediately becomes very angry and arrests the child on the spot.

The next morning, the child still hasn't been home or talked to his parents. He is instead standing in front of a judge. The judge, unaware of why this child is in front of him, asks what is going on. The child tells the judge that he was late for school and had to sit at the last empty desk, but it had something carved in it. When he told the teacher, he was sent to the office. When he told the principal, he was suspended. When he told the police officer, he was arrested. The judge thought that it can't be all that bad and asked the child what was carved into the desk. The boy told the judge that he didn't want to say, since things always got worse when he did. The judge reassured the boy that he couldn't go to jail for describing what he saw. Reassured, the boy tells the judge, "Purple Passion."

Never having been so angry before, the judge bangs down his gavel and sends the child to juvenile detention until he is 18.

Several years have now gone by. The boy has served his sentence. Finally learning his lesson, he has refused to speak to anyone about the incident, or anything at all. His roommate has not been able to get him to talk during the entire time they have been together, but the boy will turn 18 the next day and be released, so he decides to try one more time. He tells the boy that he committed arson and manslaughter, and that there is nothing the boy could have done that will surprise him.

So the boy relents. He tells his roommate about how he was late to school, and there was only one desk available, but it had something carved in it. When he told the teacher, he was sent to the office. When he told the principal, he was suspended. When he told the police officer, he was arrested. And when he told the judge, he was sent to juvenile hall. The roommate thought that was ridiculous. How could all of that happen over what someone else carved into a desk? He asks the boy what was carved in the desk. The boy hesitates, but decides that he should trust his roommate. He tells his roommate, "Purple Passion."

The roommate responds by saying that he has no idea what that means, but that there is a library across the street from the center where the boy can look it up when he gets out. The boy decides to do just that. He gets out the next day, starts to cross the street to the library, gets hit by a car and dies.



How's that for a stupid joke?

A Fella from Stella

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #679 on: August 22, 2019, 01:58:20 PM »
A child goes to school on his first day. However, he is a little late, and there is only one desk left in the classroom. He sits down and notices something carved on the desk, so he raises his hand and tells the teacher something is carved into the desk. She asks what it says, so he answers with "Purple Passion."

The teacher gets furious. Yelling at the boy, she tells him to go straight to the office.

The boy is now sitting in the principal's office, and the principal asks him why he is there. He tells the principal that he was late to school on the first day, so there was only one desk available. When he sat down, he noticed something was carved in the desk. He told the teacher, and she sent him to the principal's office. The principal asks the boy what was carved on the desk, so the boy answers, "Purple Passion."

The principal gets even more furious than the teacher. He points to the door and screams at the boy to get out of his school, telling him that he is suspended until further notice.

Not even allowed to wait for his parents, the boy starts walking home. After about ten minutes, a police officer pulls up beside him and asks the boy why he isn't in school. The boy is nervous, but remembers his parents telling him that he can trust police officers. He tells the officer that he was late to his first day of school, so there was only one desk available. When he sat down, he saw something carved in it. When he told the teacher, she sent him to the office, and when he told the principal, he suspended the boy and made him walk home. The officer didn't think any of that made sense, but he asked the boy what was carved in the desk that upset everyone so much. The boy pauses, but tells the officer, "Purple Passion."

The kind officer immediately becomes very angry and arrests the child on the spot.

The next morning, the child still hasn't been home or talked to his parents. He is instead standing in front of a judge. The judge, unaware of why this child is in front of him, asks what is going on. The child tells the judge that he was late for school and had to sit at the last empty desk, but it had something carved in it. When he told the teacher, he was sent to the office. When he told the principal, he was suspended. When he told the police officer, he was arrested. The judge thought that it can't be all that bad and asked the child what was carved into the desk. The boy told the judge that he didn't want to say, since things always got worse when he did. The judge reassured the boy that he couldn't go to jail for describing what he saw. Reassured, the boy tells the judge, "Purple Passion."

Never having been so angry before, the judge bangs down his gavel and sends the child to juvenile detention until he is 18.

Several years have now gone by. The boy has served his sentence. Finally learning his lesson, he has refused to speak to anyone about the incident, or anything at all. His roommate has not been able to get him to talk during the entire time they have been together, but the boy will turn 18 the next day and be released, so he decides to try one more time. He tells the boy that he committed arson and manslaughter, and that there is nothing the boy could have done that will surprise him.

So the boy relents. He tells his roommate about how he was late to school, and there was only one desk available, but it had something carved in it. When he told the teacher, he was sent to the office. When he told the principal, he was suspended. When he told the police officer, he was arrested. And when he told the judge, he was sent to juvenile hall. The roommate thought that was ridiculous. How could all of that happen over what someone else carved into a desk? He asks the boy what was carved in the desk. The boy hesitates, but decides that he should trust his roommate. He tells his roommate, "Purple Passion."

The roommate responds by saying that he has no idea what that means, but that there is a library across the street from the center where the boy can look it up when he gets out. The boy decides to do just that. He gets out the next day, starts to cross the street to the library, gets hit by a car and dies.



How's that for a stupid joke?

I am so happy I read it all the way through, all the way to the end.

simonsez

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #680 on: September 12, 2019, 08:48:05 AM »
Saw these on Sporcle recently

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
Spoiler: show
One's really heavy, the other is a little lighter


I know a guy addicted to brake fluid
Spoiler: show
He says not to worry about him as he can stop anytime.


I used to be addicted to eating soap
Spoiler: show
but I'm clean now.


I have kleptomania
Spoiler: show
When it gets bad, I take some for it.


What do you call a psychic with dwarfism who has escaped from prison?
Spoiler: show
A small medium at large


Police arrested two crazy kids yesterday.  One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. 
Spoiler: show
The charged one and let the other one off.

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #681 on: September 12, 2019, 09:12:19 AM »
Guy is at a coffee shop reading the local paper when he notices in the classified section an ad that reads: Porsche 911, low mileage - $50.   He thinks that's got to be a mistake, it must be $50k, but what the hell, the address is just a short walk away.  So a woman answers the door and confirms that yes, she is selling the car for $50, and yes it runs and no, there isn't anything she's aware of that's wrong with it.  The man decides to take a look and sure enough in the garage there's a shiny black sports car sitting there.  He takes the keys, sits in the drivers seat and listens to the engine roars to life.  He takes it around the block and it runs like a dream.  "Any catch", he asks the woman?  Nope - just $50 and its yours, she says.
So he pulls out two twenties and a ten and gives it to the woman, and she signs over the title and he's all set to drive away, but before he does his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says to the woman "I probably shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but why would you sell this dream of a car for $50 when you could easily get 100 times that amount?" 
She responds -
Spoiler: show
my husband wanted this car but we bought it under my name because his credit was so poor.  Then he ran off with some waitress and skipped town.  When he finally called I asked what he wanted me to do with his car and he said "just sell it and send me whatever you get for it".  So I am.

megaschnauzer

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #682 on: September 17, 2019, 02:48:27 PM »
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named
"Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #683 on: September 17, 2019, 03:16:43 PM »

How did the tree feel after the beaver left?
Spoiler: show
Gnawed so good.


What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Spoiler: show
Dam.



The evidence against beavers causing extensive flooding is damning.

Turkey Leg

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #684 on: October 03, 2019, 01:05:09 PM »
My friend asked me if I could name two structures that hold water.

I said, “Well, dam!”

(This one seems to be making the rounds on FB.)

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #685 on: October 03, 2019, 02:28:38 PM »
My friend asked me if I could name two structures that hold water.

I said, “Well, dam!”

(This one seems to be making the rounds on FB.)
Some would say it is circulating.

techwiz

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #686 on: October 03, 2019, 02:50:19 PM »
My friend asked me if I could name two structures that hold water.

I said, “Well, dam!”

(This one seems to be making the rounds on FB.)
Some would say it is circulating.

I would hate to muddy the water, but I think it is too fluid to tell, if the tides have turned or not.

Koogie

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #687 on: October 04, 2019, 09:52:43 AM »
My friend asked me if I could name two structures that hold water.

I said, “Well, dam!”

(This one seems to be making the rounds on FB.)
Some would say it is circulating.

I would hate to muddy the water, but I think it is too fluid to tell, if the tides have turned or not.

Dam it, make up your mind.   Don't be so wishy washy.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #688 on: October 04, 2019, 10:12:04 AM »
My friend asked me if I could name two structures that hold water.

I said, “Well, dam!”

(This one seems to be making the rounds on FB.)
Some would say it is circulating.

I would hate to muddy the water, but I think it is too fluid to tell, if the tides have turned or not.

Dam it, make up your mind.   Don't be so wishy washy.
Maybe it's time to drop it.

erutio

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #689 on: October 04, 2019, 10:26:10 AM »
My friend asked me if I could name two structures that hold water.

I said, “Well, dam!”

(This one seems to be making the rounds on FB.)
Some would say it is circulating.

I would hate to muddy the water, but I think it is too fluid to tell, if the tides have turned or not.

Dam it, make up your mind.   Don't be so wishy washy.
Maybe it's time to drop it.

Or perhaps, they just need learn to go with the flow.

solon

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #690 on: October 04, 2019, 10:27:19 AM »
My friend asked me if I could name two structures that hold water.

I said, “Well, dam!”

(This one seems to be making the rounds on FB.)
Some would say it is circulating.

I would hate to muddy the water, but I think it is too fluid to tell, if the tides have turned or not.

Dam it, make up your mind.   Don't be so wishy washy.
Maybe it's time to drop it.

Or perhaps, they just need learn to go with the flow.

I guess it's true what they say... when it rains it pours.

Turkey Leg

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #691 on: October 04, 2019, 12:17:56 PM »
My friend asked me if I could name two structures that hold water.

I said, “Well, dam!”

(This one seems to be making the rounds on FB.)
Some would say it is circulating.

I would hate to muddy the water, but I think it is too fluid to tell, if the tides have turned or not.

Dam it, make up your mind.   Don't be so wishy washy.
Maybe it's time to drop it.

Or perhaps, they just need learn to go with the flow.

I guess it's true what they say... when it rains it pours.

These bad puns have me wishing for a drink!

Brother Esau

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #692 on: October 05, 2019, 06:22:39 AM »
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.

Glenstache

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #693 on: October 05, 2019, 10:23:10 AM »
“Thanks for introducing me to minimalism.”

“It’s the least I could do.”

geekette

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #694 on: October 05, 2019, 03:17:18 PM »
I have mixed drinks about feelings...

CowboyAndIndian

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #695 on: October 05, 2019, 05:40:24 PM »
Looks like I found the Indian Hills Community Center "Dad joke" lover!

For those who like Dad jokes, this facebook page is hilarious.
« Last Edit: October 05, 2019, 05:44:12 PM by CowboyAndIndian »

nereo

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #696 on: October 28, 2019, 06:27:33 PM »
How did Trump wind up with five children?

Spoiler: show
Each time he announced he was pulling out, but then sent in his troops unexpectedly

Ynari

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #697 on: October 28, 2019, 09:35:50 PM »
I just came up with a new word!

Spoiler: show
It's plagiarism!

ditheca

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #698 on: October 29, 2019, 01:03:02 AM »
Why was the little girl convinced that 1+1=3?

... She can't even.

Brother Esau

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Re: Tell Me Your Stupid Jokes
« Reply #699 on: October 29, 2019, 09:07:12 AM »
There is a fine line between numerator and denominator.

Only a fraction of people will get the joke.