Author Topic: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.  (Read 3464 times)

lifejoy

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Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« on: October 22, 2017, 08:08:25 AM »
Divulge and hopefully we can learn from each other

Edited to add: the more detail, the better! Share a story.

stashgrower

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #1 on: October 22, 2017, 08:32:48 AM »
LOL listening to "adults". Let's count the ways I learnt that one the hard way. (I don't think I need to explain this one, right??)

mies

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #2 on: October 22, 2017, 08:49:14 AM »
I learned you need to start investing early the hard way. My wife has been putting money into investments since the late 90's. I just started a few years ago. Her total invested amount is 5 times what I have and her net worth is double what mine is. My stubbornness, ignorance, and distrust of the financial industry in my youth torpedoed any legitimate hopes I have of a real early retirement. If 22 year old mies knew what 36 year old mies knows, I'd probably be retired already or pretty close to it.
Less is more.

Ann

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2017, 09:21:05 PM »
Always lock up your bike!
(It was a good lesson to learn on the ill-fitting Craigslist Mountain bike I bought to see if I would actually like/pursue biking as an adult.  Now that I have an appropriately-size commuter bike that is not as cheap, I take better care of it)

Playing with Fire UK

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #4 on: October 23, 2017, 12:32:10 AM »
Never lend money to family.

Not when they really need it and it is an emergency (their emergencies will grow and eat all you have to give).

Not when they have assets and can afford to pay it back and you aren't worried about the loss (the house sale will go through, they will take over a month to write the cheque, and the rage over the lack of concern will undo all the goodwill you had).

Éowyn MI

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #5 on: October 23, 2017, 07:45:23 AM »
You can permanently damage a really good friendship by expressing a romantic interest in the other person.  This was one lesson that I had to learn the hard way for it to stick.

Travis

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #6 on: October 23, 2017, 09:55:40 AM »
Buying a house because that's what everybody your age seems to be doing.  It turns out houses are expensive, and more so when you have no idea how to take care of them. And they're bigger than you need. And you don't live there long enough to justify the costs. And...


Also, lending money to friends.  It's never just one time.  By the time you realized you've become an ATM with legs you're no longer friends and you're out a lot of money.
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acroy

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #7 on: October 23, 2017, 10:14:49 AM »
Don't trust anyone in any complex bureaucracy. Do the research and get it right yourself.

- I trusted college advisers re: credit transfers, etc and it cost me a semester of my life
- I received 4 separate, conflicting sets of information about how to get a SS card for a newborn. From the SS office.
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StarBright

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #8 on: October 23, 2017, 10:23:41 AM »
Never take on more debt than you actually need and don't let anyone talk you into it!

I received a large scholarship to grad school but my (now EX) husband convinced me we should take out all offered loans and use them to invest. Guess who ended up divorced with a large grad school loan to pay off?

It still smarts years later. I should have listened to my gut and refused.

GuitarStv

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #9 on: October 23, 2017, 11:45:49 AM »
Don't tough it out if you're stuck at a job that you hate.  Even if the money's good.  Being forced to do work that you don't like for a long period of time is stressful and ends up making you a worse (less imaginative, less creative, less intrepid) version of yourself.  I'm not saying that every job will be a thrill a minute, but actively hating what you do will eventually catch up with you and have some unexpected lasting effects.

Just Joe

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #10 on: October 23, 2017, 12:33:40 PM »
The value of education. Did not/do not appreciate rote learning. Did not enjoy those classes that don't direct relate to my career choice.

Anyhow, I got it all together and am doing fine with about a ten year delay. Will still retire a bit earlier than my peers and we'll do it with good financial security.

My other tough lessons - too numerous to list. :)

However always avoided legal problems, substance abuse, and we waited to start our family until later in life once we created reasonable financial stability for ourselves.

Linda_Norway

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #11 on: October 23, 2017, 12:52:06 PM »
Don't take anything in life for granted. Your house's proximity to a train station can be changed. Commuting time can be doubled. Your company can change your pension system. You can loose your job without prediction. You can become seriously ill or die too young, or your spouse can. Marriages or other longtime relationships can suddenly break. Stock market can crash. House value can cash. Your nice view can disappear. And so on...

Uturn

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #12 on: October 23, 2017, 12:58:44 PM »
Life WILL throw you curve balls. Job loss, transmission blows up, you name, it will happen.  If you don't have cash reserves and/or a plan, it will suck.  If you do have cash reserves and/or a plan, it will be a minor annoyance, and probably cost you less.   
It's not about money, it's about mindset

iowajes

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #13 on: October 23, 2017, 01:19:03 PM »
Trauma comes back to haunt you.

Do the therapy. Even if you think you don't need it.


Dicey

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #14 on: October 23, 2017, 02:07:59 PM »
I learned you need to start investing early the hard way. My wife has been putting money into investments since the late 90's. I just started a few years ago. Her total invested amount is 5 times what I have and her net worth is double what mine is. My stubbornness, ignorance, and distrust of the financial industry in my youth torpedoed any legitimate hopes I have of a real early retirement. If 22 year old mies knew what 36 year old mies knows, I'd probably be retired already or pretty close to it.
This one is golden and isn't stressed on this site enough, IMO. The good news is that you can still grow your money into a big, fat ball o' money to support you in retirement. It will just take more of your hard-earned dollars plus a little more time to make it happen. This is another good reason why it's important to analyze prepaying a mortgage at the expense of saving for retirement. Not saying a person can't do both, but they should understand the long term costs before making a decision. Keep at it mies, you will get there. I didn't retire until I was 54 and I have to say, it's still pretty darn awesome.
I did it! I have a journal!
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Dicey

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #15 on: October 23, 2017, 02:15:06 PM »
Oh, and my reply to LJ's great question is: "Never, ever borrow from your 401k." I know there are arguments both ways, and worse ways to borrow money, but it was the feeling of being locked into my job that was the biggest surprise. I hated it, and when another offer floated by me, I had to refuse, because I "owed my soul to the company store", which totally blew.

I "only" borrowed $6k to bridge into another property, which in turn, doubled in under four years, but in retrospect, I wish I hadn't been too proud to ask my parents (or anyone else) for a short-term loan. I scrimped and saved to pay that $6k off in nine months, but it was a miserable time for Dicey.
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Bicycle_B

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #16 on: October 23, 2017, 02:41:32 PM »
Definitely the if-you-lend-money-to-a-friend-you-only-get-to-keep-one-or-the-other lesson.

Also, don't tell someone why you are broke up with them if they didn't ask.

Free Spirit

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #17 on: October 23, 2017, 02:57:56 PM »
I've learned that the people closest to you, the ones who you think love and support you no matter what, could be the very people who are quietly sabotaging your success. Hello, Mother.
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BDWW

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #18 on: October 23, 2017, 03:13:59 PM »
Do anything you can to look beneath the skin of a house/property before you buy it.  The house we bought looked great from outset. Within a year, it became clear that the previous owner was ambitious, but rubbish.

Example, very nice looking trex deck in the backyard. A step started wiggling, so I took up some planks to diagnose the issue...  wow, it looked like the person that built it modeled the construction after the little rascals playhouse, or a well-progressed game of jenga.

Various small and large remodel projects after have exposed that everything the previous owner did was of the same calibre.  Wires in walls spliced together with electrical tape, and no box. A garbage disposal wired into a circuit for a bedroom across the house. Wiring ran through holes drilled within a half inch of the bottom of a joist - right next to a knot that let loose and the whole joist split. New soffit and facia installed over the top of rotten wood. A bathroom sink connected to  ~3 ft of accordion pipe for the drain.  Exterior mount windows installed from the inside of the house. Doors framed with horizontal 2x4 and no jack or cripple studs , just screwed into the king studs.  etc etc etc.
« Last Edit: October 23, 2017, 03:16:41 PM by BDWW »

mies

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #19 on: October 23, 2017, 03:19:49 PM »
I learned you need to start investing early the hard way. My wife has been putting money into investments since the late 90's. I just started a few years ago. Her total invested amount is 5 times what I have and her net worth is double what mine is. My stubbornness, ignorance, and distrust of the financial industry in my youth torpedoed any legitimate hopes I have of a real early retirement. If 22 year old mies knew what 36 year old mies knows, I'd probably be retired already or pretty close to it.
This one is golden and isn't stressed on this site enough, IMO. The good news is that you can still grow your money into a big, fat ball o' money to support you in retirement. It will just take more of your hard-earned dollars plus a little more time to make it happen. This is another good reason why it's important to analyze prepaying a mortgage at the expense of saving for retirement. Not saying a person can't do both, but they should understand the long term costs before making a decision. Keep at it mies, you will get there. I didn't retire until I was 54 and I have to say, it's still pretty darn awesome.

Thanks Dicey! Absolutely. You don't even have to be a super aggressive saver/investor when you are young. You just need to get started.
Less is more.

lifejoy

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #20 on: October 23, 2017, 03:33:02 PM »
I've learned how to spot narcissistic personality disorder.

I've learned that I feel better in every single way when I avoid junk food.

Miss Piggy

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #21 on: October 23, 2017, 03:50:21 PM »
When your gut is trying to tell you something about a very important decision, for fuck's sake, listen to your gut. It's smarter than your brain.

iris lily

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #22 on: October 23, 2017, 04:10:20 PM »
I've learned how to spot narcissistic personality disorder.

I've learned that I feel better in every single way when I avoid junk food.
do tell! Have you run into a fair number of narcissists?

I think there is a high percentage of narcissits who are bloggers. But in real life,
I cannot say that I know of anyone. Wait, I just check ped with DH and we,p both agree that someone we know has strong narcisscistic tendancies.. Not surprisingly, she is a full fledged therapist, well known in her field.

That maybe another profession that attracts a slew of them besides blogging, mental health therapy.

Cpa Cat

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #23 on: October 23, 2017, 04:48:12 PM »
I've learned that arguing with people on the internet is never a good use of time.


A lesson that other people often learn the hard way: If you are an employer, always pay your payroll taxes. They are not a good source of funding, nor are they appropriate cash flow float. The consequences are dire.

Travis

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #24 on: October 23, 2017, 04:52:22 PM »
Trauma comes back to haunt you.

Do the therapy. Even if you think you don't need it.

This, so many times over.  I wish I could beat this lesson into every meathead I've ever worked with.
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lifejoy

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #25 on: October 23, 2017, 06:04:41 PM »
I've learned how to spot narcissistic personality disorder.

I've learned that I feel better in every single way when I avoid junk food.
do tell! Have you run into a fair number of narcissists?

I think there is a high percentage of narcissits who are bloggers. But in real life,
I cannot say that I know of anyone. Wait, I just check ped with DH and we,p both agree that someone we know has strong narcisscistic tendancies.. Not surprisingly, she is a full fledged therapist, well known in her field.

That maybe another profession that attracts a slew of them besides blogging, mental health therapy.

After interacting with some.... people, I did some reading about narcissists and felt better. Now I avoid people like that.

"Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism."

That's about it haha

Just Joe

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #26 on: October 23, 2017, 08:18:01 PM »
Just watch the news. There is one individual who will demonstrate this personality trait frequently. We should ALL be well versed in spotting the clues pretty soon.

Laura33

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #27 on: October 24, 2017, 06:46:43 AM »
Getting older does not mean you magically change into a completely different person who wants to sit around the house all day; in fact, the only thing that has really changed is that I have far less ambition, less need to achieve, than I used to.  As a result, I have even less patience with the need to go in to work every day instead of going out to play.

I've written a number of times about how I let my DH persuade me to spend more -- that saving 15-20% was enough, that we make plenty of money and deserve nice things.  And hey, we've both got jobs we really enjoy, and both of us would be bored just sitting around the house all day with no intellectual challenge, so we can happily work until we're 60 or 70, right?  YOLO! 

Not.  Now I'm 50, and I've spent half my life doing interesting/hard paid work, and I am ready to do something different.  I want to spend all winter skiing; I want to throw the kids in an RV and travel around the US before they go off to college and their own lives; I want to write and explore and sleep in and figure out what's next.  My work can still be interesting, and the people are awesome, but after 25 years, there is a sameness that I can't escape. 

Alas, over that past 25 years, we also inflated our lifestyle, so I am stuck for another @7 yrs.  I'm working on DH, and on my own expectations, and hoping that we can cut that back some (I've already got him down from 12 yrs).  But if I could turn back the clock, I'd tell 30-yr-old me "you think you want to ski now?  Boy, just wait until you've been doing this for another 20 years -- you'll be ready for a permanent ski trip.  AND you'll be in better shape then, too, because you've recognized your mortality and so are eating better and exercising regularly.  So suck it up, live on less, double your savings, and you'll be free by 50 instead of just wishing you were."

Tl;dr:  If you feel the pull of YOLO now, just wait until you've been working for a living for 25 years. . . .
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DoubleDown

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #28 on: October 24, 2017, 04:12:10 PM »
You never really know how people close to you or situations might change over years or decades. As many on this site know, my divorce cost me a fortune, so I frequently advise people who ask prior to marriage to consider a prenup before commingling their finances. On that subject, lots of people express a version of these opinions:

1. "You shouldn't have married a person you couldn't trust." Yeah, IF ONLY we knew they would become untrustworthy five or ten or twenty years later, or cheat on you, or develop a mental illness, or how unbalanced the financial or earning power of each partner might become, or they find a profoundly different religion or life goal, or become permanently unemployed, or an alcoholic or addict, or...

2. "I wouldn't want to be in a marriage where we weren't fully committed to the relationship, including all our finances intermingled with no legal contract between us." Well, marriage IS a legal contract, and if you go into one without anything to define what happens if it breaks up, best of luck to you.
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ptobeast

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #29 on: October 24, 2017, 05:04:09 PM »
I’ve got a few for this one:

1. Don’t drive in the Colorado mountains in the winter without snow tires.

I went hiking with a meetup group early one winter, only to have the snow start while on the hike. Driving back in my non-snow-tired car, going around a curve at about 10mph, hit an ice patch, end up in the snow bank. Someone else from the meetup was right behind me, hit the same patch, I watch in horror as his SUV slowly careens into my car with a crunch.

Maybe the lesson in this one is “make sure no SUVs are behind you when driving on slick mountain curves”, as with help I probably could have gotten the car out of the ditch. My car was considered “totaled” because of some body damage and a broken taillight.  $150 for some duct tape and a new taillight made it drivable again, couldn’t use the trunk anymore but the almost $3,000 in insurance $$ received made it worth it. Hmm, maybe this isn’t a very good lesson after all.

2. Always set a timer on your slow cooker.

Otherwise, you risk forgetting about the chicken broth you were making for approximately 1 week, when the smell becomes apparent and, in horror, you realize it’s source, and that you will have to dispose of it somehow.

3. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you should lend them money.

Still waiting for the ~$400 owed to me by Ex 1, ~$1900 owed to me by Ex 2, and ~$600 owed to me by Ex 3.

4. Don’t eat a bunch of heavy meals when you are jet lagged.

Ah, fond memories of time spent on the toilet during a train ride in Ireland…

Telecaster

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #30 on: October 24, 2017, 05:13:22 PM »
That thing you are afraid of?  It actually isn't that bad. 

The thing you need to say to somebody, but it will be uncomfortable?  It won't be that bad. 

The thing you are procrastinating doing because it will suck? It won't be that bad.

There is no justice when relationships end.  Don't try to achieve fair or equitable, or getting even, or getting a "victory" or anything else other than taking care of you.  Take care of you and move on. 

SisterX

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #31 on: October 24, 2017, 05:41:58 PM »
Life is shorter than you expect it will be and frequently ends unfairly. Plan for the worst, just in case. No one expected my mother to develop dementia at ~60. No one expected my dad to die suddenly in his sleep at 65. All the more reason to plan for the worst and really, really hang onto the good in each day. Make those good memories with people you love, take pictures of them even if it's not a special occasion, and always tell them "I love you" when you're going to be apart for even a few hours. (That last is why I can take solace in the fact that my last words to my dad were "I love you.")

margarita

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #32 on: October 24, 2017, 06:02:36 PM »
When starting the divorce process don’t go with the “nice” lawyer because the divorce should go fairly smoothly.   Oh no my friend, get the snarling pit bull because things will get ugly and all the money spent on the nice lawyer is money down the drain and now you are starting over with the pit bull.

Separate bank accounts early as possible otherwise you can be sitting at your desk logging into your now depleted bank account that is overdrawn. 

Always have a credit card in your name only.  Always have a bank account in your name only. See above for reasons why.




Anydaynow

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #33 on: October 24, 2017, 07:38:56 PM »
Say no to drugs.

Personal reality is just a construct of individual perception. And perception can be changed.

ETA: Financial values absolutely matter in relationships.
« Last Edit: October 24, 2017, 07:48:43 PM by Anydaynow »

GreenSheep

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #34 on: October 24, 2017, 07:40:51 PM »
I've learned how to spot narcissistic personality disorder.

I've learned that I feel better in every single way when I avoid junk food.
do tell! Have you run into a fair number of narcissists?

I think there is a high percentage of narcissits who are bloggers. But in real life,
I cannot say that I know of anyone. Wait, I just check ped with DH and we,p both agree that someone we know has strong narcisscistic tendancies.. Not surprisingly, she is a full fledged therapist, well known in her field.

That maybe another profession that attracts a slew of them besides blogging, mental health therapy.

After interacting with some.... people, I did some reading about narcissists and felt better. Now I avoid people like that.

"Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism."

That's about it haha

I once heard someone say that a narcissist is "the piece of shit around which the world revolves," which fits with your much more intellectual definition!

intellectsucks

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #35 on: October 25, 2017, 11:40:37 AM »
Negotiation is a skill that should be used in every aspect of your life.
Buying a house is a massive purchase.  The amount of time, energy, research, etc that should be dedicated to it should be equally massive.

lifejoy

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #36 on: October 25, 2017, 11:41:49 AM »
Negotiation is a skill that should be used in every aspect of your life.
Buying a house is a massive purchase.  The amount of time, energy, research, etc that should be dedicated to it should be equally massive.

I found "How to Win Friends and Influence People" to be a great book about negotiation.

intellectsucks

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #37 on: October 25, 2017, 11:59:57 AM »
Negotiation is a skill that should be used in every aspect of your life.
Buying a house is a massive purchase.  The amount of time, energy, research, etc that should be dedicated to it should be equally massive.

I found "How to Win Friends and Influence People" to be a great book about negotiation.

Haven't read that, but I also recommend "getting to yes". Really useful techniques in that one.

iowajes

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #38 on: October 25, 2017, 12:28:55 PM »
Trauma comes back to haunt you.

Do the therapy. Even if you think you don't need it.

This, so many times over.  I wish I could beat this lesson into every meathead I've ever worked with.

I just can't seem to get over that you seem to be calling me a meathead.

Mississippi Mudstache

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #39 on: October 25, 2017, 01:23:39 PM »
Lesson 1: Real estate doesn't always go up.

Exhibit A: Bought a house for $130,000 straight out of college (January 2008). Put $15,000 in cash and hundreds of hours of sweat equity into house over the next three years. The house sold for $79,000 in 2013.

Lesson 2: Regional real estate trends can vary wildly from national trends.

Exhibit A: Moved to south Mississippi, from Georgia, in 2011. Still paying a mortgage on the first house I bought, but since housing markets had bottomed out nationwide (or so I thought), I decided it would still be a good idea to go ahead and buy a house for $136,000 in my new location. Little did I know that the south Mississippi real estate market was still being buoyed by the mass exodus from New Orleans in the aftermath of Katrina. Real estate prices continued their slow decline for years after the rest of the country hit rock bottom and began to recover. I sold that house in 2016 for $100,000.

Lesson 3: Don't buy a fucking house unless you know damn well you're going to live in it for at least 10 years.

The end.
Never. Give up.

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Chesleygirl

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #40 on: October 25, 2017, 01:45:03 PM »
I've learned there are some people you just have to walk away from.

golden1

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #41 on: October 25, 2017, 01:50:46 PM »
One that I learned fairly late in life.

You don’t become happy be focusing on increasing your happiness.  You become happy by making a goal and achieving it, whatever it may be.  You also become happy by spending time with people you value, or by exceeding your self imposed limitations. 

ooeei

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #42 on: October 25, 2017, 01:52:47 PM »
Never let someone store their stuff at your house "for just a little while" while they're in between houses/apartments. If you do make the mistake of letting them do it, ensure it's all or nothing when they come get it back. Anything that gets left after the first load of stuff will stay at your house forever.

There is a reason storage units make people pay money to keep stuff there.

Travis

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #43 on: October 25, 2017, 02:08:53 PM »
Trauma comes back to haunt you.

Do the therapy. Even if you think you don't need it.

This, so many times over.  I wish I could beat this lesson into every meathead I've ever worked with.

I just can't seem to get over that you seem to be calling me a meathead.

Meathead: infantry and tank crewmen I've worked with over the years who equated their mental health resilience with the circumference of their bicep.  I assume because you brought it up on this discussion that you took the step of getting the help when you needed it.  Too many of the group of people I named never did and their personal and family lives suffered greatly for it.  If that moniker offends you personally I apologize.
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iowajes

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #44 on: October 25, 2017, 02:11:57 PM »
Trauma comes back to haunt you.

Do the therapy. Even if you think you don't need it.

This, so many times over.  I wish I could beat this lesson into every meathead I've ever worked with.

I just can't seem to get over that you seem to be calling me a meathead.

Meathead: infantry and tank crewmen I've worked with over the years who equated their mental health resilience with the circumference of their bicep.  I assume because you brought it up on this discussion that you took the step of getting the help when you needed it.  Too many of the group of people I named never did and their personal and family lives suffered greatly for it.  If that moniker offends you personally I apologize.

I've only heard meathead to mean "idiot" or "stupid" before.  As a nickname for a group of people, no offense taken.

I have since started therapy, but it took a very very long time for me to do so for the first issue, and probably too long for the second. PTSD doesn't resolve itself, unfortunately, no matter how hard you try to will it away.

Travis

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #45 on: October 25, 2017, 03:25:23 PM »
Trauma comes back to haunt you.

Do the therapy. Even if you think you don't need it.

This, so many times over.  I wish I could beat this lesson into every meathead I've ever worked with.

I just can't seem to get over that you seem to be calling me a meathead.

Meathead: infantry and tank crewmen I've worked with over the years who equated their mental health resilience with the circumference of their bicep.  I assume because you brought it up on this discussion that you took the step of getting the help when you needed it.  Too many of the group of people I named never did and their personal and family lives suffered greatly for it.  If that moniker offends you personally I apologize.

I've only heard meathead to mean "idiot" or "stupid" before.  As a nickname for a group of people, no offense taken.

I have since started therapy, but it took a very very long time for me to do so for the first issue, and probably too long for the second. PTSD doesn't resolve itself, unfortunately, no matter how hard you try to will it away.

One of my former soldiers just checked himself into the ER for suicidal thoughts. No previous diagnosis, never sought help, and he's been back from Afghanistan for four years.  When it catches up, it catches up hard.
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gooki

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #46 on: October 25, 2017, 10:52:36 PM »
Shouting at your kids is less effective than having a quite word with them and some physical contact.

Always have a spare tire in your car.

Always have some cash in your wallet.

Don't stick your finger in a light socket (learned that one at age 5).

Less is more.
« Last Edit: October 25, 2017, 11:15:25 PM by gooki »
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Astatine

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #47 on: October 25, 2017, 11:32:06 PM »
Emotions actually matter. (I didn't really learn this til my early 30s)

Fish Sweet

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #48 on: November 03, 2017, 01:05:20 PM »
Echoing other comment here, but just because you love someone (and they love you) doesn't mean you should loan them money.

Read the damn instructions before you plunge into doing a thing.  Practice makes for experience makes perfect.  I personally prefer to learn by doing, but have a bad habit of skimming the directions or getting halfway through and deciding to get creative-- never turns out well if I haven't already absorbed the fundamentals. 

Impatience doesn't pay off.

Practice active listening, conversations are not a

And finally and most importantly (for me):

Just do it.  That thing you were putting off, because it would take up a lot of time, or energy, or you're afraid, or you have better, more fun things to do, or it would be super awkward so you want to put it off a day, two day, a week and a half.  It's never going to be as bad as what you build it up to be, and at some point you have to do it anyway, so.  Just do it.

Kris

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Re: Tell me about a lesson you learned the hard way.
« Reply #49 on: November 03, 2017, 01:11:38 PM »
Regarding intimate relationships:

Two people loving each other isn't enough for the relationship to work out.
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