Teen pregnancy--UPDATE in reply#109

[Gin1984]

Thank you everyone. Your kindness means so much! Since she is so early along we have decided not to tell anyone in our family or friends. I have a terrible poker face, so this is not as easy as it sounds because I work with my best friend and I am scheduled to visit my mother tonight.
Last night they broke up. I'd like to think it's for good, but that would be naive. He found out yesterday that she cheated on him right around the time she says she got pg.  He says the baby is *most likely* his, but he definitely wants paternity determined. Her mental health issues were OFF THE CHART last night. He told me that she has been doing drugs/drinking daily since she found out. He is afraid that she might harm herself or the baby just to spite him, but he knows that he is in for a lifetime of misery with her if he tries to stay. She has made statements like "If it's a boy or retarded" she doesn't want it. To hear her talk like this breaks my heart.  He talked for hours, I did my best to listen and sympathize, and to only offer advice when he asked. He said the baby, his or not his, has been a huge wake up call and wants to get his life together. He is concerned that he (we) may have to go for full custody and he wants his side of the street sparkling clean. He has matured 5 years in the last 3 months. My heart breaks for him, but he seems determined to fix this mess the best he can, despite his age. Today, I am very proud of him.

Side note: he told me that she claimed she couldn't get pg because years ago her bc implant broke in her arm and the doctor told her that this had made her sterile. Being only 16, he didn't realize how preposterous this sounds. I'm angry that as an adult she manipulated a kid, in a sense she perpetrated fraud. Think there is any sense in pursing this angle, criminally?

To be honest, any 16 year old should have been able to tell you that was preposterous that sounded and the fact that he did not, and you think that is normal makes me worried about the rest of his sex ed.  Regardless of what she said, he should have known to wear a condom.  So no, there is very little likelihood this would get her charged with anything.  However, given that she may not want the child, you may be able to offer her a sufficient sum to abort it.

Although (and sheesh, it sucks to having this convo) if you give her money to abort you probably also need a legal document for her to sign stipulating what happens if she takes the money but doesn't go through with the procedure.

Frankly, I'd only be willing to give the money to the doctor/planned parenthood.  I'd offer to give her cash only if she released her medical data to me, allowing the MD to tell me the abortion was completed.

[Just Joe]

An abortion might be better than you raising a developmentally challenged child that she abused with drugs and drinking during pregnancy.

See? These are the kinds of situations that my conservative peers/family avoid discussing when they are in their "absolutely not an option mode". Sorry to derail into politics.

You should have the maximum number of options available to you to choose from.

I am sorry you are having to go through this. I hope it can be straightened up easily/soon.

I'm with Gin1984  and Kris.

[I'm a red panda]

Being only 16, he didn't realize how preposterous this sounds. I'm angry that as an adult she manipulated a kid, in a sense she perpetrated fraud. Think there is any sense in pursing this angle, criminally?

Please please please go talk to a lawyer.

He is the age of consent; but still a minor.  You need advice specific to your jurisdiction.

I'm glad your son has opened better communication with you, I hope things work out well.

[golden1]

Yikes!  At least it sounds like your son is finally starting to see the error of his ways.  That girl sounds like big time trouble.  If he makes it out of this situation without any long term consequences, I hope he is able to use it to make his life better.  I would really try to do your best to strengthen your bond so that he is less likely to be swayed by her when she inevitably tries to guilt him back into being with her. 

One of my husband's cousins derailed at age 16 - he had several DUIs and finally got arrested, then he actually tried to flee the court after his sentencing and got extra jail time. He ended up spending about a year in jail and now he is finally putting his life together. 

[I'm a red panda]

Although (and sheesh, it sucks to having this convo) if you give her money to abort you probably also need a legal document for her to sign stipulating what happens if she takes the money but doesn't go through with the procedure.

This might be illegal.  You can't coerce a woman into an abortion (and paying her to do it seems iffy.)
But going to PP and paying for the procedure would be okay.

[NoStacheOhio]

The fact that she's drinking and doing drugs while pregnant is distressing. Is there any legal recourse? His or not, if that baby makes it to term, it does not deserve the treatment it's getting now.

I'm not 100% certain, but I think this constitutes child abuse in some states.

[MandalayVA]

After reading the latest developments, if she should go through with the pregnancy DEFINITELY insist on a paternity test, particularly if she cheated on him.  As far as an abortion, you can offer to pay, but in the end it is her choice and her choice alone to go through it.

[Kris]

After reading the latest developments, if she should go through with the pregnancy DEFINITELY insist on a paternity test, particularly if she cheated on him.  As far as an abortion, you can offer to pay, but in the end it is her choice and her choice alone to go through it.

This.

And I think these things should be clearly communicated to her, now, while she still has some time to choose termination. It sounds like she doesn't really want the child, and there's every reason to believe she will be a terrible, even abusive mother -- not to mention the potential health and developmental risks this kid is likely to be born with. She may very well feel like persisting with this pregnancy to "get back at" your son or to defy people, or for some hazy fantasy of having herself and her baby supported by you. So it makes a lot of sense to make absolutely clear what you will not be doing for her regardless, and give her a very clear option of termination. I would offer the funds for the abortion no questions asked (though agreeing above with paying Planned Parenthood directly rather than her), but if she refuses, absolutely no other help whatsoever until the baby is born and the paternity test is conclusive. Since she cheated on your son, tell her there's a high likelihood she will get absolutely nothing and be on her own with no support.

[I'm a red panda]

The fact that she's drinking and doing drugs while pregnant is distressing. Is there any legal recourse? His or not, if that baby makes it to term, it does not deserve the treatment it's getting now.

I'm not 100% certain, but I think this constitutes child abuse in some states.

If it gets reported to CPS (or if she fails the drug test at the hospital or during prenatal care)- the baby is often taken away at birth. That would help a custody case if OP wants the child; but not really anything can be done to help the fetus :(

[Metric Mouse]

The fact that she's drinking and doing drugs while pregnant is distressing. Is there any legal recourse? His or not, if that baby makes it to term, it does not deserve the treatment it's getting now.

I'm not 100% certain, but I think this constitutes child abuse in some states.

If it gets reported to CPS (or if she fails the drug test at the hospital or during prenatal care)- the baby is often taken away at birth. That would help a custody case if OP wants the child; but not really anything can be done to help the fetus :(

I thought being charged with child abuse for this would be silly. It's her body, after all. Thank you for clarification, iowajess.

[Kris]

The fact that she's drinking and doing drugs while pregnant is distressing. Is there any legal recourse? His or not, if that baby makes it to term, it does not deserve the treatment it's getting now.

I'm not 100% certain, but I think this constitutes child abuse in some states.

If it gets reported to CPS (or if she fails the drug test at the hospital or during prenatal care)- the baby is often taken away at birth. That would help a custody case if OP wants the child; but not really anything can be done to help the fetus :(

This is the sad part. If this baby is born, the likelihood that it will have a terrible life full of suffering is high. So, so sad.

[I'm a red panda]

The fact that she's drinking and doing drugs while pregnant is distressing. Is there any legal recourse? His or not, if that baby makes it to term, it does not deserve the treatment it's getting now.

I'm not 100% certain, but I think this constitutes child abuse in some states.

If it gets reported to CPS (or if she fails the drug test at the hospital or during prenatal care)- the baby is often taken away at birth. That would help a custody case if OP wants the child; but not really anything can be done to help the fetus :(

I thought being charged with child abuse for this would be silly. It's her body, after all. Thank you for clarification, iowajess.

The poster might be right that in some states the mother can get charged.  Many states really don't go with the "it's her body" interpretation of pregnancy- once you are pregnant you are an incubator.

[swick]

Mod Note: A gentle reminder to keep the discussion on topic and in support of the OP. Threads like this have a tendency to devolve into rights debates and this is not the thread for it. If you would like to talk about rights in general and not relating to the OP, please start a new "off topic" thread. Thanks!

[Johnez]

He told me that she has been doing drugs/drinking daily since she found out. He is afraid that she might harm herself or the baby just to spite him...

Figure this out. Legal action, etc. This (future) mother chooses to disable her child for life. Despicable. Maybe bringing hell or the law down on her will let her see your view of things.

[little_brown_dog]

Well it sounds like your son has seen the light. Seriously, you get yourself to a lawyer (tell your son you want to speak to one, don’t hide it from him and wait for him to find out, that will just hurt the fragile trust he is showing you right now when he is extremely vulnerable) and get him to a therapist. He sounds scared and willing. Now is the time to act.

The fact that the woman is drinking and doing drugs on purpose in pregnancy is extremely disturbing. CPS can get involved during pregnancies although they often can’t arrest you for anything. CPS will check in on her, connect her to social services, and at the very least keep tabs on her and the baby if she carries to term. They might also be able to facilitate paternity testing/navigating paternity issues (I don’t know this, I’m just assuming here). I personally would probably call CPS, right after I call the lawyer and get the okay from them to do it.

If you do choose to call CPS, definitely do it in collaboration with your son. Do not go behind his back. That will humiliate him and make him feel like you used what he told you against him and this girl. Tell him you are scared, for him and the baby. Ask him if he wants to protect the baby from the girlfriend. If he says yes, you say the only way you think you can do that is to call CPS, and then you call CPS together. Afterwards, you tell him how unbelievably proud you are of him.

Remember, you cannot control what this young woman does. But you and your son can control what you do. You can choose to call CPS to try to protect this baby if you think it is going to be carried to term and forced to endure whatever hell this girl has planned for it. You can choose to encourage your son to get help from a trained therapist. You can choose to speak to a lawyer to protect your son and possibly the baby. Focus on what you CAN control, and then charge ahead, full force. Don’t back down, don’t pretend this will go away, don’t wait it out and see what happens. You need to get ahead of this trainwreck and your son just handed you a golden opportunity.

[RangerOne]

An abortion might be better than you raising a developmentally challenged child that she abused with drugs and drinking during pregnancy.

See? These are the kinds of situations that my conservative peers/family avoid discussing when they are in their "absolutely not an option mode". Sorry to derail into politics.

You should have the maximum number of options available to you to choose from.

I am sorry you are having to go through this. I hope it can be straightened up easily/soon.

I'm with Gin1984  and Kris.

Not against abortion, but from what I know of at birth adoptions. Most of them come from drug abusing mothers who have next to zero pregnancy care and are completely unfit to be mothers. The babies have a rough go early on but a number of them turn out okay and are raised by families happy to have them through adoption. Not sure what it takes to get them to this point. But some friends in our neighborhood recent adopted a baby from a mom like this through the state agencies.

[K-ice]

I am sorry your family is struggling with this.

Encouraging her to get some prenatal help is important.

[shelivesthedream]

This is a sad situation. I agree with all the advice above about paternity tests and getting CPS and other professionals involved.

But I just wanted to add that I think it would be a really great thing if your son were to "turn his life around" (as you have said he has started doing) and take the baby from his (by the sounds of it drug-addled and abusive girlfriend) and be a single teen father. It would be hard. Hellishly hard. But single teen mothers do it all the time and there is a lot of support out there and it sounds like it could be the making of him. Please lovingly consider encouraging him to take full responsibility for the child, among the many other options.

[my4fireflies]

And in yet another twist, he went back to her last night, refused to come home, threatened to hide out in the city she lives in so we wouldn't be able to find him and when I reminded him that he has an 11 pm curfew he spewed hate-filled crap at me for my poor parenting skills and just about every weird teen-age dellusion you can think of. I'm off to juvenile court in an hour  to file a CHINS (Child In Need of Services). I've done this before for my older boys. It sucks, but it makes them accountable to the court, not me. If he defies curfew I simply send the police to her door. He will be drug tested and have court ordered rules he must abide by or spend time in DYS (again, btdt, so I know what I am signing up for, no surprises). If I have time after juvenile court, I will go to the county courthouse and see about filing a complaint against her or at least get some advice on what to do or where to go next. She refuses to return our minor son keeping him out all night, drinks and drives with him, supplies alcohol, drugs and asks him to steal, putting HIM at risk because she has a misdemeanor and doesn't want to get into more trouble. "Playing nice" isn't going to get my son or that baby protection from this dangerous individual. I will talk to the probation officer that knows both of them and ask if there is anything that can be done re: CPS and protecting the baby from her drug/alcohol abuse.

Thank you everyone for your continued advice and support. Again, I have no one in real life that I can speak to about my concerns, options, etc. It means the world to have you right now.

[MandalayVA]

I'm really sorry about all this, the situation just seems to be getting worse.  It really does sound like your son wants to do the right thing but this girl--she may be 22 but she's no woman--somehow talks him out of it.  I think you're hearing her words coming out of his mouth.  If this is what it takes to get his attention, though, it's what you have to do.

Hugs from the RVA for you.

[KBecks]

Stay strong.   Check into those consent laws because of your son's immaturity, and maybe you can get a restraining order?  I don't know but hopefully you will get good help with this.  Hugs.  I'm praying for all of you.

[NoStacheOhio]

And in yet another twist, he went back to her last night, refused to come home, threatened to hide out in the city she lives in so we wouldn't be able to find him and when I reminded him that he has an 11 pm curfew he spewed hate-filled crap at me for my poor parenting skills and just about every weird teen-age dellusion you can think of. I'm off to juvenile court in an hour  to file a CHINS (Child In Need of Services). I've done this before for my older boys. It sucks, but it makes them accountable to the court, not me. If he defies curfew I simply send the police to her door. He will be drug tested and have court ordered rules he must abide by or spend time in DYS (again, btdt, so I know what I am signing up for, no surprises). If I have time after juvenile court, I will go to the county courthouse and see about filing a complaint against her or at least get some advice on what to do or where to go next. She refuses to return our minor son keeping him out all night, drinks and drives with him, supplies alcohol, drugs and asks him to steal, putting HIM at risk because she has a misdemeanor and doesn't want to get into more trouble. "Playing nice" isn't going to get my son or that baby protection from this dangerous individual. I will talk to the probation officer that knows both of them and ask if there is anything that can be done re: CPS and protecting the baby from her drug/alcohol abuse.

Thank you everyone for your continued advice and support. Again, I have no one in real life that I can speak to about my concerns, options, etc. It means the world to have you right now.

This must be really trying for you. I'm sorry things got worse.

[I'm a red panda]

Sorry to read the updates.

You are a GOOD Mom. You are doing everything you can to protect your child, even if he can't see it.

[former player]

This pattern of leaving and going back is absolutely indicative of your son's being in an abusive relationship with an emotionally controlling person.

Her supplying a minor with drugs and alcohol is absolutely a criminal offence which the police should be told about.

I think you are doing all the right things.  My heart goes out to you.

[Kris]

Sorry to read the updates.

You are a GOOD Mom. You are doing everything you can to protect your child, even if he can't see it.

Exactly. Unfortunately, sometimes being a good parent is exactly the sort of thing that will earn you nothing but abuse and anger from your child. Hugs.

[Gin1984]

This pattern of leaving and going back is absolutely indicative of your son's being in an abusive relationship with an emotionally controlling person.

Her supplying a minor with drugs and alcohol is absolutely a criminal offence which the police should be told about.

I think you are doing all the right things.  My heart goes out to you.

I agree with former player.

[birdie55]

my4fireflies,
I have no advice but want to send you some supportive hugs. 

[Metric Mouse]

my4fireflies,
I have no advice but want to send you some supportive hugs.

Ditto.

[Just Joe]

+1000 hugs from us too. Told DW about your story. We have nothing to add to what the amazing people here have said.

[Johnez]

+1000 hugs from us too. Told DW about your story. We have nothing to add to what the amazing people here have said.

I've done the same, we're pulling for you over here.

[hoping2retire35]

Lots of prayers.

Umm.. could you press chargers against/sue her parents for allowing him to stay there? just a thought.

Perhaps also remind your son what he said the previous night when he sounded so reasonable, using his own words to tell him what is good for him is going to be more effective than trying to use your own arguments.

[my4fireflies]

It was exhausting. Filed in the court, court insisted that I file a 51A on the girlfriend for abuse on my son and the baby, but no one seems to think that there is anything criminal going on. So confusing. Dh went to the police. Again, told us our 16 year old drinking and not coming home---no crime worthy of their involvement is being committed. I was also told that since we have prior DCF involvement we would not be approved to have custody of the baby. All DCF involvement has been voluntary (me requesting assistance for my autistic children). I feel so DONE with it all, already.

[Loretta]

I have zero suggestions but wanted to say you have my support.  Please keep us posted.

[Dicey]

Try to relax if humanly possible. You will need your strength when the baby comes even more. So, so, sorry life's handed you this rotten card.

[Kris]

It was exhausting. Filed in the court, court insisted that I file a 51A on the girlfriend for abuse on my son and the baby, but no one seems to think that there is anything criminal going on. So confusing. Dh went to the police. Again, told us our 16 year old drinking and not coming home---no crime worthy of their involvement is being committed. I was also told that since we have prior DCF involvement we would not be approved to have custody of the baby. All DCF involvement has been voluntary (me requesting assistance for my autistic children). I feel so DONE with it all, already.

The system is amazingly fucked up, in so many ways. Anyone who has never had to deal with this kind of thing would would never believe it. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

[Metric Mouse]

I have zero suggestions but wanted to say you have my support.  Please keep us posted.

Right? This just keeps getting harder.

[KBecks]

If possible, check with a lawyer, the police and system may not have all the information correct. Hang in there.

[Mezzie]

I'm out of ideas, but please feel free to continue venting here. You certainly need an outlet.

:hugs:

[purple monkey]

Your son and his girlfriend need unbiased, professional advice.  Putting aside whatever views you may personally have (not your baby, not your place to have views) please either get them an appointment at a pregnancy advice clinic (one that is unbiased and includes all the options in its advice) or give your son and his girlfriend the information they need in order to get an appointment.  Please be prepared to get them there if there is not one within easy distance.  Please respect whatever choice they make without putting any pressure on them.

I'm actually not very worried about your son here: he will likely finish his education and be mainly unaffected by this.  I'm much more worried about his girlfriend (I'm assuming she is about the same age) who is at enormous risk of dropping out of high school and living in lifelong poverty.

+1

[kayvent]

I was a teenage parent. My child is a delight but the other parent isn't. All the warning signs of my partner were there. I even had teachers and friends approach me out of worry for the relationship far before the pregnancy. Ignorance Stupidity on my part to have continued it. The other parent has a history of poor mental health and narcissistic traits; it hurts my heart to even contemplate listing some of the hell I've gone through. I shudder to think of the misery my daughter and I would be in if her mother had custody instead of I.

Let me turn off that little switch that says "emotions" and be cold and caullous for this answer please: find someway to limit the damage or get custody. Their relationship won't last and it will probably turn toxic. Quickly. You basically need to do damage control.

If she'll accept a custody agreement beforehand that sets a fixed child support and access schedule, snap on it. Or, if you have a messed up custody system like in my home province, in the absence of a custody agreement when the relationship dissolves, either parent may presume custody of the child and deny access until a court order or custody agreement is signed. Or perhaps she even would relinquish custody or would consider adoption.....A man can hope.

* For the above answer, I am assuming she is actually pregnant, will carry to term, and your son is the father.

I am not an expert in this topic but I am an anecdote. I'd be more than willing to exchange emails, #, or Skype if you'd like to talk about the prospective and warnings I can lend. Or emotional support. The likelihood of this not being extremely jarring for a long time is low.

[hoping2retire35]

Lawyer up.

[Poundwise]

You are definitely not the first set of parents who have found yourselves in this difficult situation.  You need to find what resources and communities already exist to help teen parents and teen addicts... find some parents who have gone through this already to mentor you.  What state are you located in?

http://www.drugrehabcenters.org/ByState/Drug_Treatment_Centers_For_Pregnant_Women.htm

If your son is home, take him to the drugstore and have him buy a bottle of prenatal vitamins + extra folic acid.  Point him to online resources about prenatal care, discuss the need for regular checkups during pregnancy, and help him find an ob-gyn or clinic for the girlfriend.  Whether or not your son is the father, a baby may be born and if so, it is going to need all the help it can get.   

[my4fireflies]

Every interaction with DS is toxic. He asks to sleep over every night. Every night he asks sweetly, is denied, then turns into a rabid chihuahua spewing vile, hate-filled shit until we hang up. My husband called the gf's mom (22 yo gf still lives at home)  on speaker phone last night. Reminded her that our son is only 16, baby or no baby, our son is still a minor and needs to come home every night. Dh gently lit into her, reminding her that she and her husband had said they would support US and our household rules when it comes to our child. Her response? "Yeah, I know. We just had no idea that THIS would happen!" Um, the lady has 7 or 8 children. I'm pretty sure she knows what makes them. Now dh and I aren't getting along because, as is his usual MO under stress he withdraws and nitpicks on the children he's NOT upset with. I'm honestly thinking about asking dh to leave temporarily because I do not have the strength or patience to protect my 19 year old twins from dh's bad parenting. They have autism, so mentally they are about 13 or 14. He has always been a great husband but a bad dad. Stress makes this 200x worse. I have daydreams of grabbing my 13 year old and leaving for a destination unknown. I've been through tougher, scarier crap, but I'm tired. I'm tired of crisis every few months for the last 30 years. I'm tired of being the person that identifies, strategizes, networks, plans, follows through, then hits a brick wall over and over and over. Everyone around me does whatever the hell they want and I am stuck here in the aftermath of the tornado trying to put the pieces back together to keep going for my daughter. Me? I've got my basic shit together. I don't drink, use drugs, gamble, and every decision I make is thoughtful, examined, and always has the big picture in mind. 
But in addition to the twins issues, in the last 10 years our family (children/parents/grandparents)  has dealt with drug addiction, Lyme Disease (severe), theft, rehab, jail, domestic assault (twins), alcoholic drinking, a police chase including a helicopter and tracking dogs, mental health crisis, B & E, car accident totaling a BORROWED car, 18 year old missing for 5 days, Section 35s , residential placement twice, 3 drop outs (all dropped out after 9th grade), 8 funerals, a lay off 6 months after buying our house, cancer, MRSA, a major stroke, and somehow during that time I got my bachelor's degree. I'm fricken tired. I'm 42 but I feel 102.

Again, thank you for letting me vent here. Now that dh and I are at odds, I actually have NO ONE. Just being able to get it off my chest a bit helps so much. My head is swimming 24/7 right now. Thanks for listening.

[my4fireflies]

I was a teenage parent. My child is a delight but the other parent isn't. All the warning signs of my partner were there. I even had teachers and friends approach me out of worry for the relationship far before the pregnancy. Ignorance Stupidity on my part to have continued it. The other parent has a history of poor mental health and narcissistic traits; it hurts my heart to even contemplate listing some of the hell I've gone through. I shudder to think of the misery my daughter and I would be in if her mother had custody instead of I.

Let me turn off that little switch that says "emotions" and be cold and caullous for this answer please: find someway to limit the damage or get custody. Their relationship won't last and it will probably turn toxic. Quickly. You basically need to do damage control.

If she'll accept a custody agreement beforehand that sets a fixed child support and access schedule, snap on it. Or, if you have a messed up custody system like in my home province, in the absence of a custody agreement when the relationship dissolves, either parent may presume custody of the child and deny access until a court order or custody agreement is signed. Or perhaps she even would relinquish custody or would consider adoption.....A man can hope.

* For the above answer, I am assuming she is actually pregnant, will carry to term, and your son is the father.

I am not an expert in this topic but I am an anecdote. I'd be more than willing to exchange emails, #, or Skype if you'd like to talk about the prospective and warnings I can lend. Or emotional support. The likelihood of this not being extremely jarring for a long time is low.

Thank you so much kayvent. I have so much to say, but my head can't form coherent sentences this morning. ;)

[former player]

We are here, and we are listening, and sending you our best wishes through the interwebs.

[pbkmaine]

Does your job provide you with medical insurance or an EAP? In nothing else, try to get some counseling for you, to deal with the stress.

[Poundwise]

Now dh and I aren't getting along because, as is his usual MO under stress he withdraws and nitpicks on the children he's NOT upset with. I'm honestly thinking about asking dh to leave temporarily because I do not have the strength or patience to protect my 19 year old twins from dh's bad parenting.

It's very rough to not be on the same page as your spouse during a stressful time like this! Try to remember that he's on your side, and doing the best he can. +1 on the suggestion that you see a counselor if you can.

As for your son, even though he's not an adult, he's feeling like one and wants to be treated like one.     At least he seems to care about having some sort of permission, for now. Can you propose that he come home for dinner, then he can go to his girlfriend's house? Even though he would do it anyway, at least this time he would do it without a fight.  I would say that it is useless to keep him away at this point since the relationship is young and it is his first; the limerent phase is likely to last at least a year.

Do you think you could "fake it until you make it" with your son? You may not feel respect for him or his maturity, but perhaps if you pretend to treat him as an adult and equal, asking him what he thinks is the best thing to do, he might start acting more like one.

We are all pulling for you here on MMM!  I was thinking about you all yesterday, throughout my own son's birthday party etc. Fingers are crossed.

[shelivesthedream]

Do you think you could "fake it until you make it" with your son? You may not feel respect for him or his maturity, but perhaps if you pretend to treat him as an adult and equal, asking him what he thinks is the best thing to do, he might start acting more like one.

+1 to considering this. As my father always used to say, you can't have all the rights and none of the responsibilities. Only you can guess how this might go down with your son, but it's worth thinking about.

[KBecks]

You can do this.  Live in the NOW -- I read your list of disappointments, and I hear that you are tired.   Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery - today is a gift and that's why it's called the present.  Do not dwell or have a pity party.  I know you are hurting, but you can be strong.  Let the little things slide off you -- don't let your son's immature behavior and insults stick to you.  You are a good parent, your husband is a good parent.  See a lawyer, take this one step at a time and be calm and cool.  You can do it, don't let yourself get caught up in the drama, that is a trap.

[Cassie]

Years ago we went through some challenging stuff with 2 of our 3 teens and I can tell you I absolutely day dreamed frequently about running away.  YOu have way too much on your plate and I am so sorry.  At one time I was a social worker for CPS and if the parents were unfit then we would look to the grandparents to see if anyone was interested in the child and then if they were qualified to take custody. If not then we would look for an outside adoption once the parents rights were terminated or they voluntarily gave them up.  This process usually took a year. In your situation I would not even consider taking the baby. If your son could do it with minimal support from you that would be fine but I doubt it would work out.  you have 4 ids and 2 disabled so your hands are full. I feel so sorry for the baby and hope that CPS will get involved but if she continues the baby will probably have fetal alcohol syndrome and a lifetime of problems.  FAS causes impulse control issues, lying, unable to understand consequences, etc. Taking a baby with all those issues on top of your own kids would be too much. I hope you can get some individual therapy because you are in a impossible situation and you need support and help.  Sending you a giant hug:))