Author Topic: More relationship frustration  (Read 8284 times)

deek

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More relationship frustration
« on: October 28, 2018, 03:48:59 PM »
My gf of 5 months invited me out to go hiking with her dog and her and near the end of it, she ended our relationship. I'm so confused. Long story short, she told me after 5 months, she didn't think it was a forever thing. We're only 27. She said she'd been having these thoughts for about a month, and in the last month, we've had a great time together with her showing no negative signs or wanting to talk through anything. We were even talking about our travel plans this next weekend up until like 3 days ago. Idk what to do. I feel so strongly about her, and I have never been that comfortable around another person.

She texted me on my way home saying she thought she owed me an apology for not handling it like she should have and she never wanted to hurt me. Honestly, I'm destroyed. This is a shock. Do I talk to her at all about anything I have questions about (questions other than what I was able to discuss with her after the hike today)?? Everything was going so well.

I hope you can understand the venting.
« Last Edit: October 28, 2018, 03:55:34 PM by deek »

kina

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2018, 04:05:17 PM »
deek, I am sorry for the pain. My advice is to not contact her at all. It will do nothing except prolong the pain. As best you can, go forward and carry on.

EricL

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2018, 05:16:35 PM »
She sounds like some weird self absorbed psychopath.  I think you dodged a bullet.  Though in the long run I think you'll miss the dog.

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2018, 06:09:30 PM »
She sounds like some weird self absorbed psychopath.  I think you dodged a bullet.  Though in the long run I think you'll miss the dog.

Believe it or not she's very selfless and sincere. One of the best people I've ever known. I'm wondering if her busier life as a new attorney and a few other things put too much stress in her life with me there at the same time. I don't want to lose her for good. Maybe I need to just better myself and see what the future holds. It's excruciating.

SwordGuy

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2018, 06:24:57 PM »
Or she met someone else and didn't want to tell you.

Or she just wasn't that in to you.

Let it go.


There are lots of great people out there, don't worry about it.   Grow and let it go.

LadyMuMu

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #5 on: October 28, 2018, 07:24:17 PM »
Late 20s is a time when many women start to buckle down if they want to eventually get married and have kids. The timeline is something like this: a few years dating, 6-12 months engagement, a year or two of marriage before kids, then kids prior to turning 35. That may or may not be the case with this person, but now that you're in your late 20s you may find it more common to be broken up with not because of anything wrong but a failure to progress toward a relationship goal. Doesn't mean that you need to propose within five months to have a girlfriend, but it may be a good time to figure out what exactly you want out of dating and being very clear with the women you meet. Lots less heartache that way.

If it's any consolation, once women in your cohort are past 38-40 and children are no longer a given option, the dating pressure seems to slack off again.

maizeman

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #6 on: October 28, 2018, 07:36:32 PM »
Honestly, I'm destroyed. This is a shock. Do I talk to her at all about anything I have questions about (questions other than what I was able to discuss with her after the hike today)?? Everything was going so well.

First of all I'm really sorry for what you are going through and experiencing right now.

Second of all, no, don't talk to her about questions you might still have. At this point essentially any further questions are going to come off as trying to fight emotion (she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore) with logic (please explain the reasons you don't want to be in this relationship anymore). When it comes to relationships, you can not logically reason someone into continuing with a relationship they no longer desire on an emotional/gut level. Trust me, I've tried.

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #7 on: October 28, 2018, 07:37:43 PM »
Well I can't give up. I'm going to better myself, my habits, my goals. I will be patient. But I care about this girl so much. Time will tell, and if it's meant to be, it will be. It's just gut wrenching and makes me dread the thought of opening up to anyone in terms of dating again.

Goldy

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #8 on: October 28, 2018, 07:42:48 PM »
I personally would have the call.  You were caught off guard and probably couldnít articulate your thoughts in the moment.  You will get some feedback and might be able to patch things up.

maizeman

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #9 on: October 28, 2018, 07:52:29 PM »
Well I can't give up. I'm going to better myself, my habits, my goals. I will be patient. But I care about this girl so much. Time will tell, and if it's meant to be, it will be. It's just gut wrenching and makes me dread the thought of opening up to anyone in terms of dating again.

The first part of that certainly sounds like a good idea. I will say in my experience that, while breakups that happen in the heat of a fight or argument are sometimes reconsidered in the light of a new day, breakups "in cold blood" like what you describe -- not prompted by some specific disagreement but "I've been thinking about this for a while and.." -- rarely are.

But by all means, do focus on self improvement for a while. It's a more productive and far less self destructive focus for the hurt you're feeling right now than a lot of the other coping strategies people deploy post-breakup.

EricL

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #10 on: October 28, 2018, 08:07:15 PM »
She sounds like some weird self absorbed psychopath.  I think you dodged a bullet.  Though in the long run I think you'll miss the dog.

Believe it or not she's very selfless and sincere. One of the best people I've ever known. I'm wondering if her busier life as a new attorney and a few other things put too much stress in her life with me there at the same time. I don't want to lose her for good. Maybe I need to just better myself and see what the future holds. It's excruciating.

Sorry but taking you for a walk, dumping you, and being an attorney just seems to confirm my impression.  Even if she isn't, she's cutting sling before you even get to a real crisis point in your relationship.  And without even turning to you for advice, help, or comfort.  This is a bad sign.  And seriously, saying she's "selfless and sincere" after that sounds like what someone in an abusive relationship says.  Maybe she's an activist lawyer who's selfless and sincere for her clients and that's great.  But if she can't make time for you I think you should move on.  There's no reason to better yourself unless she cited a personal failing of yours she can't deal with.  Even then ask for a second opinion from someone else that's close. 

obstinate

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #11 on: October 28, 2018, 08:20:09 PM »
She sounds like some weird self absorbed psychopath.  I think you dodged a bullet.  Though in the long run I think you'll miss the dog.
Uh. She told him she didn't want to be with him. There is nothing psychopathic about this behavior. A person is allowed to not want to be with any other given person. At worst, she's unskilled at breaking up, which is actually probably a good thing.

Deek, I'd second the advice about not continuing contact. :( I can only imagine how much this hurts, but I'm confident that you'll be able to find someone else to spend your days with in the future.

okits

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #12 on: October 28, 2018, 08:21:10 PM »
My sympathy, deek.  I have been there.

What I've learned is that a partner who hides their concerns and feelings about your relationship and communicates nothing about it until they spring the firm-and-final break up on you is not a partner worth chasing.  Super-dysfunctional and doesn't want to be in a relationship with you?  I don't need to know you to know you deserve better.  You don't want to go through life with a secretive partner who hides information and makes unilateral decisions that affect you both.  She just did this. 

You think she is selfless and sincere and there's something about her that makes you comfortable in a way no one else has.  But you also thought things were great and you were totally wrong about that, so strongly consider that you were wrong about the rest.  I know those are hard words to hear but it doesn't make them untrue and accepting them may help you move on.

Sorry this happened to you.

EricL

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #13 on: October 28, 2018, 08:34:37 PM »
She sounds like some weird self absorbed psychopath.  I think you dodged a bullet.  Though in the long run I think you'll miss the dog.
Uh. She told him she didn't want to be with him. There is nothing psychopathic about this behavior. A person is allowed to not want to be with any other given person. At worst, she's unskilled at breaking up, which is actually probably a good thing.

Deek, I'd second the advice about not continuing contact. :( I can only imagine how much this hurts, but I'm confident that you'll be able to find someone else to spend your days with in the future.

Context is important.  There's a lot of ways to dump someone that can let them down easy.  After a fun hike with no warning is pretty bad.  Better than a text message or Facebook post I guess. 

undercover

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #14 on: October 28, 2018, 09:11:25 PM »
Sorry deek.

To be practical for a minute, you're putting her up on a pedestal right now because the mind wants what it can't have. Dealing with rejection is tough.

Your best bet is as you said to focus on yourself (look at it more as improving rather than bettering) and to cease ALL communication. Block all social medias and do not answer her texts or calls if she does.

Trust me, if you actually want her back, you do not want to seem weak at all in any way. Her seeing you strong and happy without her will hurt her way worse than seeing you miserable since it just sadly isn't attractive. There is literally nothing you or her can say to each other right now to get any broader perspective on what's going on. And it's not worth it. Direct your pain and energy into exercise and hobbies and lean on close friends and family during the days that you don't feel like doing anything. The benefit to getting strong and changing focus from her is not only do you become more attractive to her but you'll probably run into other people who will notice your improvements and trying. All this is not to say you are a loser at the moment because I sincerely doubt anything is wrong with you.

It sounds like she either didn't take you seriously as a mate or is very emotionally unavailable and will probably end up not talking about her feelings in the next relationship either and doing the same thing until she finally figures out how to change and open up. Who knows? Who cares? Just block dat woman.

Stomp on the hearts of the unworthy

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maizeman

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #15 on: October 28, 2018, 09:28:50 PM »
Context is important.  There's a lot of ways to dump someone that can let them down easy.  After a fun hike with no warning is pretty bad.  Better than a text message or Facebook post I guess.

We lack a lot of context right now. From what deek posted, the breakup could be anything from taking the whole hike* to explain what she was thinking and feeling and how that lead her to the conclusion that she didn't want to be in that relationship anymore to waiting until the hike was over and they were going their separate ways to say "oh and by the way we're breaking up, byeeeee."

Apologizing by text for handling the breakup badly could be anything from realizing just how bad the second scenario was to guilt at how devastated deek likely looked and sounded when the reality of what was being communicated sunk in for the first scenario.

*Hikes have upsides for giving and receiving emotionally devastating news. You (as the giver) don't have to being looking the person in the eyes when you give them the bad news and you (as the receiver) can always walk a little faster to get ahead of the other party if your eyes start to get wet and you don't want them to know you're about to cry.

In August I dumped someone 'in cold blood', as it were. It was brutal and it hurt him badly, but there was no better way to do it, that I can find. How do you deliberately do something that you know will hurt someone you care about? It's an impossible situation.

I suspect that's why it is so rare to see people reconsider their decision in these situations. You don't force yourself (and the other person) to go through that unless you're really damn certain about what you feel already.

Milizard

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #16 on: October 28, 2018, 09:30:11 PM »
It does sound like she's in a looking for a husband mode, and that is so much stringent criteria. IMO, it is not just about loving the other person, but really being able to live with them harmoniously through all kinds of life events. 

I was dumped by someone, and it was excruciating for a very long time. Plus, he sort of came back a couple  times just to use me. I'm glad that we broke up for good, even though it hurt terribly at the time. Had we stayed together, it would have been a constant struggle living together.  Later, I met someone else who fits me perfectly.  I've gone through absolute hell the last few years, and he has been my rock. 

Luck12

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #17 on: October 28, 2018, 10:11:20 PM »
She sounds like some weird self absorbed psychopath.  I think you dodged a bullet.  Though in the long run I think you'll miss the dog.

Just based on what we know:  WTF?   

Breaking up with someone is really really hard to do especially if both parties are decent people and treated each other well.  Sometimes, at least in the mind of the initiator, two people just aren't compatible for the long term for whatever reasons.  The reason a break up like this can seem so cold is it's hard to bring the subject up without making the other person cry, of course the person has been thinking about it for at least a week, they want to make sure they're not just making a rash decision. 

People, this was a 5 month relationship, not a marriage where you vowed to stay together through thick and thin. 

I mean really, if she was sociopath, she would've broken up with OP a long time ago because those kinds of people don't a give a shit and in fact love to make people feel bad.   

Oh and ETA, I don't know if this is the situation with her since it was only 5 months, but believe me, those of us who've thought about breaking with someone for incompatibility reasons most likely have cried numerous times thinking about it
« Last Edit: October 28, 2018, 10:26:21 PM by Luck12 »

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #18 on: October 28, 2018, 10:44:21 PM »
I'm really sorry, Deek, that hurts. I dumped a lot of guys in my 20's. Not proud of it. I had (to a degree I still struggle, though I've been faithfully married for decades) an issue where, once I understood that a guy sincerely had feelings for me, and was emotionally available, the relationship no longer felt "right" to me - the chemistry fizzled. And yet, I'm a "loving person". Really. Alcoholic father, narcissistic mother...

Which is a long way of saying that you may have done nothing wrong - you may be a great catch, boyfriend-wise, and maybe that was the problem. You don't want to fix that. You can and will find someone who is able to love you, just for being you.

aGracefulStomp

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #19 on: October 29, 2018, 01:43:46 AM »
I really don't understand why everyone is assuming that the girlfriend is a terrible person or that she must be fucked up because she broke up with someone. Are we really suggesting that people who end relationships must be satan and/or emotionally crippled, and therefore we are all obligated to marry the first person we date???

Deek, it truly does suck and its difficult if there were no prior cues. Can totally understand that you are confused and a bit shocked.

It may have not been that there was anything specifically wrong with you but just that, more generally, she didn't see a long-term future in the relationship.

Perhaps in a couple of a months you could suggest catching up for coffee, and ask her if you could get a bit more clarity. If she's as lovely as you say she is, and she has the capacity and willingness to do that emotional labour, I'm sure she would understand and say yes :)

I think at this point, keep yourself busy, hang out with friends, do lots of exercise.

« Last Edit: October 29, 2018, 01:45:37 AM by aGracefulStomp »

EricL

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #20 on: October 29, 2018, 02:28:23 AM »
I really don't understand why everyone is assuming that the girlfriend is a terrible person or that she must be fucked up because she broke up with someone. Are we really suggesting that people who end relationships must be satan and/or emotionally crippled, and therefore we are all obligated to marry the first person we date???

Deek, it truly does suck and its difficult if there were no prior cues. Can totally understand that you are confused and a bit shocked.

It may have not been that there was anything specifically wrong with you but just that, more generally, she didn't see a long-term future in the relationship.

Perhaps in a couple of a months you could suggest catching up for coffee, and ask her if you could get a bit more clarity. If she's as lovely as you say she is, and she has the capacity and willingness to do that emotional labour, I'm sure she would understand and say yes :)

I think at this point, keep yourself busy, hang out with friends, do lots of exercise.

Really itís just me who thinks poorly about her. This based on how she dumped him as originally described.  However, some people insinuated I donít respect her agency to end a relationship at will.  This is not true. (And WTF?) Whatever the case it seems best the OP moves on. 

ejacobson

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #21 on: October 29, 2018, 04:59:32 AM »
You should let it go. This relationship has run its course. Also, trite but true, review the five stages of grief. You'll get through this. https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

Villanelle

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #22 on: October 29, 2018, 05:27:10 AM »
I truly can't see how having a friendly day with someone before a break up makes them a pyschopath.  Or not giving notice.  What??  That's nonsensical, and the OP's feelings about the girlfriend seem to support how off the mark that assessment is. Breakups suck.  If you give a warning, you are being cruel for not ending it as soon as you know.  Likewise, if you try to make it part of a nice hike (for example), perhaps in order to show that you still care about the person but don't want to be in a relationship.  If you give no warning, you are a pychopath.  If you don't make it part of a nice day and just do it the moment you see the person, you are callous and cruel.

Some people just don't like it when a woman has the audacity not to be with someone, and not terms or handling of the break up is going to be acceptable.  There's no good way to break up, because breakups are by nature painful.  I know you still care about this woman, and it probably has to be hurtful to hear her spoke about in that way.  I'm sorry.

When relationships end non-mutually, one party is usually left with all sorts of questions.  The reality is that often there aren't answers to the things we want to know.  "I just wasn't feeling it anymore," lacks anything concrete.  It can't be fixed or really even understood.  Much of the time, there is no "why" anymore than you could explain why you aren't attracted to that very nice, fairly attractive woman your friend introduced you to at a party. Sometimes, you just don't feel "it", or you stop feeling it, not because anything happened.  I think the times where there is a specific relationship-ender (like differences in finances, or religion, or desire to have kids, or other major incompatibilities) are actually less common than times where one party just realizes that while the other person is great, they aren't a Forever person for that individual. It sounds like that is what happened here.  So even if you did go to her and ask whatever questions you have, it's quite likely she won't have any real answers for you other than trite platitudes about just not feeling it, and it's not you it's her, and that sort of thing.  You can't answer an unanswerable question, and matters of the heart generally defy explanation. 

I would severe ties entirely.  It may be more uncomfortable (or even painful) now, but that's truly the best way to heal.  I don't believe you can be friends with someone you still want to be with.  Let your heart heal, and once you feel it has, probe your feelings.  If you *truly* feel you no longer want to be with her, then you can let yourself ask her to meet for coffee, is you are still drawn to do that.  But only if you are honestly done yearning for her, and only if you are doing so to catch up with someone from your past, not to get answers about why she doesn't want to be with you. 

I'm sorry you are hurting. 

mveill1

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #23 on: October 29, 2018, 06:12:41 AM »
While you were not married, I'd suggest reading the "Divorce Busting" books (Michelle Weiner-Davis). As a dumpee myself, IMHO you can't lose with that advice. Whether the person comes back or not.

Only caveat is that you're not married, and so the stakes are different (I agree with previous responses that there probably isn't a future with her).

But I still think the book contains the best advice on how to handle yourself.

tyler2016

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #24 on: October 29, 2018, 06:14:29 AM »
I'm not a relationship or psychology expert by any means, but here is my opinion based on my own experiences.

Losing an important relationship hurts a lot, especially when they reject you. "This too, shall pass." It's not easy, but you can get through this. Take care of yourself. Get some exercise, eat a good diet, get plenty of rest, and do things you excel at to make yourself feel better. Spend time with family and friends so you won't feel so alone. If it is affecting your ability to function, see a psychologist (avoid medication if possible). It will be worth your time and money.

Even if you get back together, her willingness to leave creates an inbalance of power that will likely lead to contempt or resentment. The person who cares less, which is her since she dumped you, has the power in situations between otherwise equal people.

I would leave her alone. but if you insist you want to know her reasons and are willing to take some more pain, ask her in the context of future relationships and personal growth. Make it clear this will be the last time you contact her outside of finding her stuff in your place. Do not, under any circumstances imply that you are trying to win her back. That will only add to an already tilted power imbalance. If you do this, take some time to introspect, and move on. Don't take it at face value because it will likely be biased. E g. if she had an abusive person in her life that did something frequently that hurt her, even if you said or did that thing in a different context, confirmation bias would distort her perception.

Hopefully this helps.

Timodeus

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #25 on: October 29, 2018, 06:30:19 AM »
My gf of 5 months invited me out to go hiking with her dog and her and near the end of it, she ended our relationship. I'm so confused. Long story short, she told me after 5 months, she didn't think it was a forever thing. We're only 27. She said she'd been having these thoughts for about a month, and in the last month, we've had a great time together with her showing no negative signs or wanting to talk through anything. We were even talking about our travel plans this next weekend up until like 3 days ago. Idk what to do. I feel so strongly about her, and I have never been that comfortable around another person.

She texted me on my way home saying she thought she owed me an apology for not handling it like she should have and she never wanted to hurt me. Honestly, I'm destroyed. This is a shock. Do I talk to her at all about anything I have questions about (questions other than what I was able to discuss with her after the hike today)?? Everything was going so well.

I hope you can understand the venting.

I'll add my voice to the chorus of people telling you to break off contact, over time you'll see it is for the best. One of my first serious relationships was a lot like this, I had too much expectation for the future of the relationship and had many of the feelings you described below. After a few weeks it got better, I broke off contact and got into a new relationship (while not fair to the new person it did help at that time). Over the next couple months I was contacted but felt no desire to respond, they had burned that bridge. 

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #26 on: October 29, 2018, 06:31:22 AM »
Itís just crazy because things still donít add up. She gave me a key to her rental less than 2 weeks ago. And the cues I was getting from her even last weekend, like the way she looked at me (corny as hell I know) when laying next to her and just in passing makes me as confused as Iíve ever been in my life. We have mutual best friends and being together was so much fun all the time. Being a person that invests a lot (emotionally) when he knows someone is a good match just really sucks. Iíve never felt quite like this after a breakup (iíve had two other ones after semi-serious relationships). Quite frankly this doesnít even compare.
« Last Edit: October 29, 2018, 06:33:33 AM by deek »

anonymouscow

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #27 on: October 29, 2018, 06:38:40 AM »
I wouldn't dwell on it, I've been there, trying to find answers on why it ended never helped.

At least for me, for some breakups, maybe her and I really were not all that compatible. I was probably emotionally immature, would fall in love too easily, would change my life to revolve around them. I would try and stay friends with them hoping they would change their mind. I would try to always be available in case they needed a favor, moving etc. My life was pretty pretty much on hold. For me being really upset over a break up was probably a sign of being dependent on someone else for my happiness, having my world revolve around them, lack of self confidence, etc. All those things of course are not things someone looks for in a partner and probably contributed to the break up. Or if you have more confidence, once a break up does happen, you can realize you just were not meant to be and will not be so broken up about it.

If you break up and it causes this much emotional stress it's probably best not to put a lot of effort in staying friends. If they want to contact you maybe let them, but I wouldn't go out of my way for them. If you can go though a breakup and have it not be as big a deal, it will probably be easier to stay friends with someone.

Then again everyone is different and I wouldn't necessarily take advice from someone like me who has had a bunch of failed relationships!

maizeman

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #28 on: October 29, 2018, 06:50:32 AM »
Itís just crazy because things still donít add up. She gave me a key to her rental less than 2 weeks ago. And the cues I was getting from her even last weekend, like the way she looked at me (corny as hell I know) when laying next to her and just in passing makes me as confused as Iíve ever been in my life.

I get a little worried when you use phrases like "things still don't add up." The key is to accept the the breakup did happen and it really is what she wants. You may know the real reasons. You may not know the real reasons. The real reasons may be unknowable, as Villanelle did a great job of describing. 

It's okay, and even right to mourn. But please don't get sucked into trying to convince yourself (or her), that there is something wrong and that she doesn't actually want what she has told you she wants.

Quote
We have mutual best friends and being together was so much fun all the time. Being a person that invests a lot (emotionally) when he knows someone is a good match just really sucks. Iíve never felt quite like this after a breakup (iíve had two other ones after semi-serious relationships). Quite frankly this doesnít even compare.

I believe you. Through my twenties the ends of (good) relationships got harder and harder. I think part of it is that when you're dating someone in high school or college a part of you always knows the odds are stacked so heavily against it lasting and remains perpetually braced for the end, but by your mid-twenties you start to see your friends pairing off and settling down with the people they want to spend their lives with and so it is easier to relax more completely into the assumption "we're good together, maybe this is the relationship that won't have to end" than it used to be.

Bateaux

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #29 on: October 29, 2018, 06:57:31 AM »
Let it go.   Finding the reason could hurt you more.  This didn't just happen, she's been thinking about it for a while.   Focus on getting to FIRE and there is plenty of time to find the right one.  Keep hiking, she's probably out there and wearing a pack.

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #30 on: October 29, 2018, 06:59:38 AM »
I wouldn't dwell on it, I've been there, trying to find answers on why it ended never helped.

At least for me, for some breakups, maybe her and I really were not all that compatible. I was probably emotionally immature, would fall in love too easily, would change my life to revolve around them. I would try and stay friends with them hoping they would change their mind. I would try to always be available in case they needed a favor, moving etc. My life was pretty pretty much on hold. For me being really upset over a break up was probably a sign of being dependent on someone else for my happiness, having my world revolve around them, lack of self confidence, etc. All those things of course are not things someone looks for in a partner and probably contributed to the break up. Or if you have more confidence, once a break up does happen, you can realize you just were not meant to be and will not be so broken up about it.

If you break up and it causes this much emotional stress it's probably best not to put a lot of effort in staying friends. If they want to contact you maybe let them, but I wouldn't go out of my way for them. If you can go though a breakup and have it not be as big a deal, it will probably be easier to stay friends with someone.

Then again everyone is different and I wouldn't necessarily take advice from someone like me who has had a bunch of failed relationships!

FWIW.. We both enjoyed time to ourselves and would see each other maybe 3 times a week at most. It was a good balance and she asked me to do a lot of things with her, some of which didnít work out. But I feel we each had enough space. Ugh.. just how we can be on the same page and then just suddenly not.. idk.

obstinate

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #31 on: October 29, 2018, 07:04:59 AM »
However, some people insinuated I donít respect her agency to end a relationship at will.  This is not true. (And WTF?)
Well I mean you called her a psychopath for exercising it. So that does sort of imply that you don't respect it. The connection seems pretty obvious to me.

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #32 on: October 29, 2018, 07:19:51 AM »
Iím at the point to where I would really like companionship with someone for good if itís the right one. And I just feel that she could have been Ďití although it was only 4.5 months. It feels like the older I get, the more Iím missing out on quality women, maybe thatís not your experiences?? I know my mind is taking over right now, I realize that, but having the ďrightĒ feeling disappear in the blink of an eye really fís you up. Even if it only lasts a week or two or three. I hope it subsides.
« Last Edit: October 29, 2018, 07:21:59 AM by deek »

maizeman

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #33 on: October 29, 2018, 07:36:20 AM »
Iím at the point to where I would really like companionship with someone for good if itís the right one. And I just feel that she could have been Ďití although it was only 4.5 months. It feels like the older I get, the more Iím missing out on quality women, maybe thatís not your experiences??

It's certainly harder to fall head over heels in love at 30 than at 25. You both likely have more previous experience, and it'll be a little harder for each of you to let your guards down, so it takes a little longer. Still feels just as amazing when it happens. I cannot speak to how things change between 30 and 35 or 35 and 40 yet.

There is also an argument to be made that the people who are most desirable in terms of partners (in that they both possess lots of the traits we'd all want in a partner, and they don't have extremely high standards for what they are looking for in a partner of their own) tend to pair off earlier. But if you're worried this is starting to happen to your generational cohort, the best possible reaction is to try to recover from this breakup as fast as you can and put yourself back out there.

My worst breakup was the end of a 2+ year relationship, and I spent the better part of another year moping around, feeling sorry for myself, and secretly hoping we'd get back together. Don't be like me.

EricL

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #34 on: October 29, 2018, 07:43:13 AM »
However, some people insinuated I donít respect her agency to end a relationship at will.  This is not true. (And WTF?)
Well I mean you called her a psychopath for exercising it. So that does sort of imply that you don't respect it. The connection seems pretty obvious to me.

I called her a psychopath based on the context of how she exercised it.  There are better (and worse) ways to dump people.  Are you really so intent on picking a fight?  If so, PM me so we can fling crap at each other so thread stays clean.

Villanelle

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #35 on: October 29, 2018, 07:45:42 AM »
I wouldn't dwell on it, I've been there, trying to find answers on why it ended never helped.

At least for me, for some breakups, maybe her and I really were not all that compatible. I was probably emotionally immature, would fall in love too easily, would change my life to revolve around them. I would try and stay friends with them hoping they would change their mind. I would try to always be available in case they needed a favor, moving etc. My life was pretty pretty much on hold. For me being really upset over a break up was probably a sign of being dependent on someone else for my happiness, having my world revolve around them, lack of self confidence, etc. All those things of course are not things someone looks for in a partner and probably contributed to the break up. Or if you have more confidence, once a break up does happen, you can realize you just were not meant to be and will not be so broken up about it.

If you break up and it causes this much emotional stress it's probably best not to put a lot of effort in staying friends. If they want to contact you maybe let them, but I wouldn't go out of my way for them. If you can go though a breakup and have it not be as big a deal, it will probably be easier to stay friends with someone.

Then again everyone is different and I wouldn't necessarily take advice from someone like me who has had a bunch of failed relationships!

FWIW.. We both enjoyed time to ourselves and would see each other maybe 3 times a week at most. It was a good balance and she asked me to do a lot of things with her, some of which didnít work out. But I feel we each had enough space. Ugh.. just how we can be on the same page and then just suddenly not.. idk.

What does this mean?

As for her giving you a key recently, and looking at you lovingly, and participating in the relationship the same way she always has, a lot of people process things for a while before making a relationship decision, and during that time, they are still acting (and in some ways feeling) all in, even while they are starting to hear (and maybe try to deny) that "something isn't working" voice.  By the time they get to "the talk", they may have been considering this for weeks, but also not wanting it to be true. Sometimes, there is even an extinction burst where they get *more* into the relationship as they really fight to save it in the face of the increasingly negative feelings they are having about the likelihood of it lasting.  "Maybe if I just give him a key and take that step, I'll feel things spark up again."  "He's such a good guy, and I really want him to be the one, so tonight during our date, I am going to really focus on how great he is. [Queue loving eye-staring.]"  And they push and they push because they really want things to work out with someone who they know, objectively, is a great catch.  But in the end, you can't force feelings for every long.  So it can make for what feels like an abrupt break up when they've been fighting their feelings about it for days or weeks (or even months). 

In the end, this woman has decided, for whatever reason, that she can live without you.  She's decided her life will be better un-partnered from you.  That's painful, but remind yourself of that when you are mourning this relationship.  You want a person who will move mountains to be with you, not someone who sees you as, at best, optional.  You want someone willing to whatever is in her power to be with you, not someone who cares so little that she will just give you up. 

I hope you find that, and until you do, I hope you find some peace in being single.  These feelings will subside, but it may take more time than you hope.  But eventually, you'll realize you've gone an hour without thinking about her.  And then an afternoon, and then a full day.  And eventually, you will be healed and you will only think of her occasional in at-worst a wistful but detached sort of way.  Every hour she's out of your life is one hour closer to that time.  (And interacting with her resets that counter, which is why it's almost certainly a bad idea.)

Breakups are awful.  I'm sorry.  Many useless internet hugs to you!

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #36 on: October 29, 2018, 08:02:32 AM »
I wouldn't dwell on it, I've been there, trying to find answers on why it ended never helped.

At least for me, for some breakups, maybe her and I really were not all that compatible. I was probably emotionally immature, would fall in love too easily, would change my life to revolve around them. I would try and stay friends with them hoping they would change their mind. I would try to always be available in case they needed a favor, moving etc. My life was pretty pretty much on hold. For me being really upset over a break up was probably a sign of being dependent on someone else for my happiness, having my world revolve around them, lack of self confidence, etc. All those things of course are not things someone looks for in a partner and probably contributed to the break up. Or if you have more confidence, once a break up does happen, you can realize you just were not meant to be and will not be so broken up about it.

If you break up and it causes this much emotional stress it's probably best not to put a lot of effort in staying friends. If they want to contact you maybe let them, but I wouldn't go out of my way for them. If you can go though a breakup and have it not be as big a deal, it will probably be easier to stay friends with someone.

Then again everyone is different and I wouldn't necessarily take advice from someone like me who has had a bunch of failed relationships!

FWIW.. We both enjoyed time to ourselves and would see each other maybe 3 times a week at most. It was a good balance and she asked me to do a lot of things with her, some of which didnít work out. But I feel we each had enough space. Ugh.. just how we can be on the same page and then just suddenly not.. idk.

What does this mean?

As for her giving you a key recently, and looking at you lovingly, and participating in the relationship the same way she always has, a lot of people process things for a while before making a relationship decision, and during that time, they are still acting (and in some ways feeling) all in, even while they are starting to hear (and maybe try to deny) that "something isn't working" voice.  By the time they get to "the talk", they may have been considering this for weeks, but also not wanting it to be true. Sometimes, there is even an extinction burst where they get *more* into the relationship as they really fight to save it in the face of the increasingly negative feelings they are having about the likelihood of it lasting.  "Maybe if I just give him a key and take that step, I'll feel things spark up again."  "He's such a good guy, and I really want him to be the one, so tonight during our date, I am going to really focus on how great he is. [Queue loving eye-staring.]"  And they push and they push because they really want things to work out with someone who they know, objectively, is a great catch.  But in the end, you can't force feelings for every long.  So it can make for what feels like an abrupt break up when they've been fighting their feelings about it for days or weeks (or even months). 

In the end, this woman has decided, for whatever reason, that she can live without you.  She's decided her life will be better un-partnered from you.  That's painful, but remind yourself of that when you are mourning this relationship.  You want a person who will move mountains to be with you, not someone who sees you as, at best, optional.  You want someone willing to whatever is in her power to be with you, not someone who cares so little that she will just give you up. 

I hope you find that, and until you do, I hope you find some peace in being single.  These feelings will subside, but it may take more time than you hope.  But eventually, you'll realize you've gone an hour without thinking about her.  And then an afternoon, and then a full day.  And eventually, you will be healed and you will only think of her occasional in at-worst a wistful but detached sort of way.  Every hour she's out of your life is one hour closer to that time.  (And interacting with her resets that counter, which is why it's almost certainly a bad idea.)

Breakups are awful.  I'm sorry.  Many useless internet hugs to you!

I was just simply implying the neither one of us ever felt smothered, we didnít want to spend every waking moment together and I think thatís healthy.

familyandfarming

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #37 on: October 29, 2018, 08:12:18 AM »
She sounds like a really nice person and I understand your sorrow over the break-up. I would recommend NO CONTACT! Your idea of working on yourself is fantastic!

It always makes me cringe when there's a break-up and the injured party lashes out at the other. Please don't do this! You love her. Respect her. She said no, so take her at her word. She may very well decide that she misses you as much as you miss her. Give it time and be the best person you can be in the meantime. That will also attract others into your life!

The key to forgiveness is not wanting to get even. When you see her again, and you will, at the most unexpected time, please be kind. By then, you will be in that great place you worked toward. She perhaps will be more attracted to your new you! But if not, you're in a better place!

obstinate

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #38 on: October 29, 2018, 08:14:36 AM »
The key to forgiveness is not wanting to get even.
Great advice. In a break up like this, there is often no even to get, either. If she's as good a person as you say she is, she is likely very unhappy about this whole thing herself. Even the person doing the dumping is a losing something valuable in most amicable breakups.

partgypsy

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #39 on: October 29, 2018, 08:15:12 AM »
I don't know if this helps at all, but I have been on the fence for a while with the guy I'm seeing. And when  I'm with him, in general it is great. But we don't have a "life" together. He doesn't necessarily include me in parts of his life, and in turn is not interested in much of my life. So yes we have a good time together. We do look lovingly at each other and have chemistry. But do I feel like he is "there" for me, or that I can talk to him about everything or anything? No, I don't. He is also not good at articulating his feelings.
So maybe she is going through the same thing I' am. That she has a very good time seeing you, but there is something she is seeking in a life partner that she doesn't sense from you. Could even be that you two have different life goals or aspirations.

I will be the weird one and say, it doesn't hurt to write a letter to her of how you truly feel. At worse she will not respond or say "go away" and you will get your confirmation that she "just wasn't that into you". Don't necessarily expect a response. 


familyandfarming

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #40 on: October 29, 2018, 08:19:28 AM »
Right now my husband and I are watching all 7 seasons of Game of Thrones. One episode every night. (Got it on Amazon Prime Day for cheap!)

Getting even is the theme of this series. Getting even is the most destructive thing you can do to yourself, 'cuz it never ends!

wageslave23

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #41 on: October 29, 2018, 08:38:15 AM »
I don't know if this helps at all, but I have been on the fence for a while with the guy I'm seeing. And when  I'm with him, in general it is great. But we don't have a "life" together. He doesn't necessarily include me in parts of his life, and in turn is not interested in much of my life. So yes we have a good time together. We do look lovingly at each other and have chemistry. But do I feel like he is "there" for me, or that I can talk to him about everything or anything? No, I don't. He is also not good at articulating his feelings.
So maybe she is going through the same thing I' am. That she has a very good time seeing you, but there is something she is seeking in a life partner that she doesn't sense from you. Could even be that you two have different life goals or aspirations.

I will be the weird one and say, it doesn't hurt to write a letter to her of how you truly feel. At worse she will not respond or say "go away" and you will get your confirmation that she "just wasn't that into you". Don't necessarily expect a response.

I agree.  I would send her a text saying, "I know the relationship is over, but I'm still trying to find some closure.  It seemed like things were going really well and then it just ended.  Could we talk on the phone one last time so that I can better understand what happened?"  I think two adults who ended things amicably after several months of dating can handle that phone call.  Think of it as an exit interview.  Under no circumstances think that you are getting back together, and specifically don't whine or beg.  What you learn will probably help you for future relationships.

mathlete

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #42 on: October 29, 2018, 08:44:30 AM »
Sorry man. All I can say is that you guys are young. And who she was 5 months ago might be different from who she was when she went on the hike with you. Mope around and eat some pizza or whatever you need to do to cope. Then get back at it. I like your plan of self-improvement.

Just continue being awesome. Maybe she'll come around. Or more likely, you'll meet someone new.

Good luck!
« Last Edit: October 29, 2018, 08:46:11 AM by mathlete »

Dicey

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #43 on: October 29, 2018, 08:45:13 AM »
However, some people insinuated I donít respect her agency to end a relationship at will.  This is not true. (And WTF?)
Well I mean you called her a psychopath for exercising it. So that does sort of imply that you don't respect it. The connection seems pretty obvious to me.

I called her a psychopath based on the context of how she exercised it.  There are better (and worse) ways to dump people.  Are you really so intent on picking a fight?  If so, PM me so we can fling crap at each other so thread stays clean.
Yours are the nastiest comments on this thread. You're not really adding anything helpful for the OP. Most people's answers reflect their own experiences. Perhaps yours does, too. It seems like you are venting about someone else. Breaking up with someone after 4.5 months and doing so in person does not make them worthy of the names you've flung about. Please stop. 

Note: If you PM me and attempt to "fling crap", your words will be promptly forwarded to the moderators.

partgypsy

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #44 on: October 29, 2018, 08:48:27 AM »
I don't know if this helps at all, but I have been on the fence for a while with the guy I'm seeing. And when  I'm with him, in general it is great. But we don't have a "life" together. He doesn't necessarily include me in parts of his life, and in turn is not interested in much of my life. So yes we have a good time together. We do look lovingly at each other and have chemistry. But do I feel like he is "there" for me, or that I can talk to him about everything or anything? No, I don't. He is also not good at articulating his feelings.
So maybe she is going through the same thing I' am. That she has a very good time seeing you, but there is something she is seeking in a life partner that she doesn't sense from you. Could even be that you two have different life goals or aspirations.

I will be the weird one and say, it doesn't hurt to write a letter to her of how you truly feel. At worse she will not respond or say "go away" and you will get your confirmation that she "just wasn't that into you". Don't necessarily expect a response.

I agree.  I would send her a text saying, "I know the relationship is over, but I'm still trying to find some closure.  It seemed like things were going really well and then it just ended.  Could we talk on the phone one last time so that I can better understand what happened?"  I think two adults who ended things amicably after several months of dating can handle that phone call.  Think of it as an exit interview.  Under no circumstances think that you are getting back together, and specifically don't whine or beg.  What you learn will probably help you for future relationships.

No, this is not what I meant. In this scenario you are asking something of her, to "explain herself". What I was suggesting is that he write a letter to express how he feels, in case he was not good as articulating to her what he thought about the relationship and their future, and what his goals and plans were and how he felt that all worked together. And to say, if there was something she felt needed to be changed regarding their relationship that he was open to hearing it. But to not necessarily expect a response.

mathlete

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #45 on: October 29, 2018, 08:49:50 AM »
Regarding how she broke up with you: Yeah, it was probably pretty bad. But really, there's no good way to break up with someone. You're going to devastate them no matter where, when, or how you do it.

I don't think it's good for either of you to dwell to long on the circumstances of the breakup.

simonsez

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #46 on: October 29, 2018, 09:04:13 AM »
I agree.  I would send her a text saying, "I know the relationship is over, but I'm still trying to find some closure.  It seemed like things were going really well and then it just ended.  Could we talk on the phone one last time so that I can better understand what happened?"  I think two adults who ended things amicably after several months of dating can handle that phone call.  Think of it as an exit interview.  Under no circumstances think that you are getting back together, and specifically don't whine or beg.  What you learn will probably help you for future relationships.
It's tricky to ask things.  It's fine if you want more details if that is truthfully for closure (which is rarely the case, by definition there isn't closure so one person still trying to communicate often is open to resuming the relationship once "things are cleared up" but the person breaking up may or may not want to explain everything to the nth degree) but I think there is a good chance to expect a person to not respond if asked for reasons.  If they do, it should be viewed as bonus information and not an obligation they have to give.  Thus I like the idea of a letter (if it will bother you if nothing further is ever sent, otherwise leave it alone) in which things are explained rather than asked, it's one-way communication that can be viewed at the leisure of the receiver.  Wish them well at the end of it and word it so that if any other communication never happened it wouldn't seem like something was a cliffhanger.

FallenTimber

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #47 on: October 29, 2018, 09:06:35 AM »
Iím sorry this happened to you. Time will heal how youíre feeling. Youíd be hard pressed to find someone who hasnít gone through this, or something very similar. I had the same thing happen to me, except it was after a 4 year relationship.

My advice: do not send a letter. Do not send a text. Do not call her. Do not stalk her on social media. When my ex left, my mindset was that I did not want to (nor deserve to) be with someone who did not want to be with me. Even if she came crawling back (which happened), I knew I could never trust her again. She simply wasnít the one for me. I wonít lie to you and say itís easy to accept that fact and move on. But stay strong and DO NOT torture yourself with any further communication. Focus on yourself, improving yourself, loving yourself.

A few years later, I ended up meeting the woman I was truly meant to be with and weíve been happily married ever since.

deek

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #48 on: October 29, 2018, 09:13:00 AM »
She apologized via text (after apologizing in person) and I think iím just going to leave it at that. Idk if I can handle trying to put more words on paper after I talked to her (as much as I could) on the hike. Maybe I just need to be better. Maybe she needs space. Maybe the timing isnít right. Idk.. more communication wonít help. Maybe down the road when iím healed I can chat with her and gain more respect than I had previously. But for right now I canít go a couple hours without shedding a tear and itís absolutely brutal in the worst way. I donít want to be like this.

Villanelle

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Re: More relationship frustration
« Reply #49 on: October 29, 2018, 09:17:42 AM »
I wouldn't dwell on it, I've been there, trying to find answers on why it ended never helped.

At least for me, for some breakups, maybe her and I really were not all that compatible. I was probably emotionally immature, would fall in love too easily, would change my life to revolve around them. I would try and stay friends with them hoping they would change their mind. I would try to always be available in case they needed a favor, moving etc. My life was pretty pretty much on hold. For me being really upset over a break up was probably a sign of being dependent on someone else for my happiness, having my world revolve around them, lack of self confidence, etc. All those things of course are not things someone looks for in a partner and probably contributed to the break up. Or if you have more confidence, once a break up does happen, you can realize you just were not meant to be and will not be so broken up about it.

If you break up and it causes this much emotional stress it's probably best not to put a lot of effort in staying friends. If they want to contact you maybe let them, but I wouldn't go out of my way for them. If you can go though a breakup and have it not be as big a deal, it will probably be easier to stay friends with someone.

Then again everyone is different and I wouldn't necessarily take advice from someone like me who has had a bunch of failed relationships!

FWIW.. We both enjoyed time to ourselves and would see each other maybe 3 times a week at most. It was a good balance and she asked me to do a lot of things with her, some of which didnít work out. But I feel we each had enough space. Ugh.. just how we can be on the same page and then just suddenly not.. idk.

What does this mean?

As for her giving you a key recently, and looking at you lovingly, and participating in the relationship the same way she always has, a lot of people process things for a while before making a relationship decision, and during that time, they are still acting (and in some ways feeling) all in, even while they are starting to hear (and maybe try to deny) that "something isn't working" voice.  By the time they get to "the talk", they may have been considering this for weeks, but also not wanting it to be true. Sometimes, there is even an extinction burst where they get *more* into the relationship as they really fight to save it in the face of the increasingly negative feelings they are having about the likelihood of it lasting.  "Maybe if I just give him a key and take that step, I'll feel things spark up again."  "He's such a good guy, and I really want him to be the one, so tonight during our date, I am going to really focus on how great he is. [Queue loving eye-staring.]"  And they push and they push because they really want things to work out with someone who they know, objectively, is a great catch.  But in the end, you can't force feelings for every long.  So it can make for what feels like an abrupt break up when they've been fighting their feelings about it for days or weeks (or even months). 

In the end, this woman has decided, for whatever reason, that she can live without you.  She's decided her life will be better un-partnered from you.  That's painful, but remind yourself of that when you are mourning this relationship.  You want a person who will move mountains to be with you, not someone who sees you as, at best, optional.  You want someone willing to whatever is in her power to be with you, not someone who cares so little that she will just give you up. 

I hope you find that, and until you do, I hope you find some peace in being single.  These feelings will subside, but it may take more time than you hope.  But eventually, you'll realize you've gone an hour without thinking about her.  And then an afternoon, and then a full day.  And eventually, you will be healed and you will only think of her occasional in at-worst a wistful but detached sort of way.  Every hour she's out of your life is one hour closer to that time.  (And interacting with her resets that counter, which is why it's almost certainly a bad idea.)

Breakups are awful.  I'm sorry.  Many useless internet hugs to you!

I was just simply implying the neither one of us ever felt smothered, we didnít want to spend every waking moment together and I think thatís healthy.

Got it.  I wasn't implying anything awful.  Just trying to understand in case there was some insight to be found there, but it sounds like there wasn't.

As for sending a text (or anything else asking for answers), as I commented before, there quite likely isn't one.  But even if there is, you are unlikely to get one.  You say she is a nice, decent woman.  That probably means she doesn't want to hurt you, and people who aren't wanting to hurt someone are unlikely to say, "your table manners are so bad I'm embarrassed every time we are out together" or "you have horrible breath," or "you interrupt all the time and it makes me feel unvalued and disrespected" or "you are not a good lover and sex is very important to me in a relationship" or "I just can't respect you because of your belief in X crazy thing", or any of those hard truths.  Because it sucks to say those things to someone we care about, especially when they are already hurting as part of our decision.  So really, even if there is a specific answer (and their likely isn't), you may well not get it, not because she's thoughtless and doesn't want to help, but because she is kind and doesn't want to hurt.