Married or partnered folk: How do you deal with extramarital attraction?

[Anonyforthis]

I'm a regular commenter but am posting this anonymously for obvious reasons.

I have been married for over a decade. I love my husband. Our marriage is happy. We have great sex. We enjoy talking together. Sometimes I feel like I'll never run out of things to say to him.

Despite my happiness, sometimes I develop feelings for other men. And not just a "damn, that dude is HOT." No, real feelings that lead me to think about him later and have to force myself not to fantasize.

I would say this has happened four times in my marriage. The last one has been more painful for some reason, in large part because my attraction for this new man is more intellectual and emotional, which IMO can be far more powerful.

So, for those of you who have experienced a similar thing, how did you cope with your thoughts and feelings? What actions did you take and not take? How long did it take for the feelings to go away?

All experiences welcome, even the ones that didn't turn out the way you hoped. In fact, especially those would be helpful.

One thing that this experience has taught me is that attraction can and does happen in even happy marriages. To reject this principle is in some respects more dangerous than realizing the power of sex and attraction and that no one is immune, even the blissfully in love. 

My development of feelings for another man is not a referendum of my marriage. It does not mean something is wrong with our relationship. Feelings....they just are. And it's how I respond to them that is important.

[marty998]

Not married so don't have a dog in this fight but.... will point out there are a surprisingly large number of forumites who identify as poly...

[Anonyforthis]

Not married so don't have a dog in this fight but.... will point out there are a surprisingly large number of forumites who identify as poly...

Would love for them to weigh in as well and the extent to which this precise issue factored into their decision.

I think for me it's the newness, or at least the thought of it. But, since I'm not poly, nor has such an idea ever been discussed, it's not worth throwing away a lifetime of love and affection for the next sexual surge of feeling, intoxicating as it is.

[Northwestie]

Everyone has feelings.  But you are a thinking person - you don't have to act on impulses.

[zephyr911]

Beat it like it owes me money... >.<

[wenchsenior]

We recently had a whole thread on this:

http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/off-topic/let's-talk-about-affairs/

[Anonyforthis]

We recently had a whole thread on this:

http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/off-topic/let's-talk-about-affairs/

Not really, considering that's about dealing with the aftermath of cheating, whereas this is more about coping with your feelings so that you don't cheat.

I weighed in on that thread, as did others, but I was looking for more experiences or new voices.

[wenchsenior]

Yeah...reading through it again, you are correct. I think I remembered it being more on the topic you are initiating here because my own replies were more directed to you question here. As were yours, in that thread.

[LennStar]

Nobody has any "sin" for his or her feelings. You cannot control them coming or going. (But you can control them when they are there.)
(Un)fortunately that also means you cannot control the feelings of others (legally cuff cuff).

So the very basic points you need to know is how your partner things about that stuff in general - is he totally 1:1 or open for other arrangements - and more important how he FEELS about it. REALLY feels about it. (Granted, that can be hard to optain intelligence)

Then you need to know how you feel about this. REALLY feel about this. Including what you think about losing your current partner.
After this stock taking you may see the alternatives that you can accept - and not accept - for yourself better, which should make it a lot easier to cope with the situation.

Because I think (guess, as you can from a little text written by a stranger, and I dont want to put any words in your mouth with that) from your OP that you are not aware of your own feelings (or put in other words, you are not asking for the experiences of others, but your real question is "how do I feel" and try to find that in others answers). That you are running away from looking into yourself because you fear what you might find there, which is one of the most basic human traits.


Do you have any meditation experiences (and I am not talking about lotus pose and something going ding and trying to empty your mind, but about awareness meditation)? Then you should meditate on your feelings and your (mind+bodily) reactions.

[Bracken_Joy]

Unfortunately, the best answer to this is the whole, "if you want shade today, you should have planted the tree 20 years ago". The best way to deal with it? Cultivate open and healthy communication with your partner from the get go. Take the attraction out of the shadows- it loses a lot of its power. It's a lot harder to cope with when there's not already the dynamic of judgement free honest sharing.

[KMMK]

Yeah, 2 parts to my response.

In a good healthy relationship that you want to keep going, you should discuss the attraction. That's what I'd do with my current partner. As Bracken Joy said, if you have the precedence for that it isn't as hard and scary. Which I do have with current partner.

What actually happened to me and my ex:
The attraction dramatically pointed out what was wrong in my marriage already. It was related. I'd been increasingly discontent and wondering if this was all my life would ever offer. Then I met new person and it was like a lightbulb moment- Shit, I married the wrong person. In hindsight it was the wrong type of person; not the specific people. Eventually I met several of the right type; I hadn't known they'd even existed when I got married. I thought ex was the best that existed. Nothing ever happened with the other man. I fantasized a lot though and felt bad for doing so. But I was emotionally done with the marriage by then. Two years of this and I eventually left him.
The other man didn't know I was crushing on him until after I was separated. I told him; he wasn't interested in a dating way. We were friendly but didn't really have too much contact after that as I'd also quit our mutual job.

Then 7 months after the separation I met my new SO (quicker than I planned but he was too good to pass up). So now I'm with someone who is my type, and we can talk about anything. I'm very committed to our relationship so we'd be able to talk it out and that should help. I'd also avoid the other person as much as possible.

[Doubleh]

I have a friend who frequently tells his wife that he thought of doing something negative, but then decided not to. His take on this is that simply not doing something negative because you didn't think of it is no sign of virtue, only of a lack of imagination. True virtue can only come from being tempted and resisting.

There is nothing wrong in thinking of things you consider unworthy, or being tempted by them. The only thing that matters is how you ultimately decide to behave. Those urges are normal and human, and it is much healthier to understand them, observe them and move on, than to try and pretend they don't exist.

[Uturn]

I'm assuming there is not an underlying problem in your marriage that needs to be dealt with. 

Love is a verb, feeling is a noun.  Love is sometimes the act of not allowing yourself to develop feelings, sometimes the feelings develop, but love is the act of not pursuing them.  When you find yourself developing the feelings for someone else, use the act of love by distancing yourself from that other person and don't let the feelings build, don't fantasize, don't dwell, don't play the what-if game.   

[GuitarStv]

Recognize that you are human, and you will naturally be attracted to other people from time to time.  Then, ensure that you arrange your life to minimize the situations where you might be the position to act upon those temptations.

[driftwood]

My wife and I are polyamorous, but haven't always been.  We used to feel guilty when we ran into similar attraction circumstances, even though we didn't act on the attraction. 

It took a lot of talks over the years to get to where we're at now.  It would be hard to start a conversation with "I'm totally into this girl I know I think we should stay together but date other people. Starting now."  That would be a huge shock to a spouse even if they are open-minded. 

Now if I'm attracted to someone I tell my wife right away, and she does the same.  Most of the time, nothing comes of it.  There's usually not much opportunity, or the other person isn't really interested in dating someone who is married.  It's also not something most people can openly advertise, so any additional relationship will have to have a potentially awkward explanation at the beginning.  "Hey I'm into you but it's OK my wife's cool with it".  Try to start that convo without looking like a creep or a liar. 

Whether or not you decide to try to venture into the polyamorous world, it would still be good for your relationship if you and your husband can at least let each other know when either of you have developed attractions for other people.  Bringing it into the open will help your relationship stay strong, and also takes away the mysterious/risky/taboo part of extramarital attractions, leaving you with a clearer head to deal with the attraction.

[fallstoclimb]

Does no one have stories about experiencing extramarital attraction, and moving past it without having an affair / going polyamorous / blowing up your marriage?  Surely this has happened to people.  As GuitarStv said, we're all human.  I want hard data and specific stories, not platitudes!

[pbkmaine]

Yeah, 2 parts to my response.

In a good healthy relationship that you want to keep going, you should discuss the attraction. That's what I'd do with my current partner. As Bracken Joy said, if you have the precedence for that it isn't as hard and scary. Which I do have with current partner.

What actually happened to me and my ex:
The attraction dramatically pointed out what was wrong in my marriage already. It was related. I'd been increasingly discontent and wondering if this was all my life would ever offer. Then I met new person and it was like a lightbulb moment- Shit, I married the wrong person. In hindsight it was the wrong type of person; not the specific people. Eventually I met several of the right type; I hadn't known they'd even existed when I got married. I thought ex was the best that existed. Nothing ever happened with the other man. I fantasized a lot though and felt bad for doing so. But I was emotionally done with the marriage by then. Two years of this and I eventually left him.
The other man didn't know I was crushing on him until after I was separated. I told him; he wasn't interested in a dating way. We were friendly but didn't really have too much contact after that as I'd also quit our mutual job.

Then 7 months after the separation I met my new SO (quicker than I planned but he was too good to pass up). So now I'm with someone who is my type, and we can talk about anything. I'm very committed to our relationship so we'd be able to talk it out and that should help. I'd also avoid the other person as much as possible.

I'm with KMMK. Attraction shows me that something is missing in a relationship. Then I ask myself if what is not present can be found. The intense longing for others (never acted upon but often felt) in my first marriage was just loneliness. I was always going to be lonely with him. So I moved on.

[Goldielocks]

If you don't believe in the ' only one soulmate' theory ( I don't) then it is logical that we will identify others we are attracted to as we move through life.

When this has happened to me, the instant I realized it, I cut off contact and talking with the other person.  Getting emotions tangled in is the dangerous part and talking is needed for the emotions to build.

This is different from just enjoying real life eye candy.

[Bracken_Joy]

If you don't believe in the ' only one soulmate' theory ( I don't) then it is logical that we will identify others we are attracted to as we move through life.

When this has happened to me, the instant I realized it, I cut off contact and talking with the other person.  Getting emotions tangled in is the dangerous part and talking is needed for the emotions to build.

This is different from just enjoying real life eye candy.

Yeah, I think separating a strong physical attraction, vs a strong physical attraction coupled with emotional connection. The second one is way more dangerous.

And yeah, I could see how this would be a divisive subject on the "one true love" viewpoint. It's a lot easier to tell a partner about an attraction if both of you are of the opinion that there are many possible compatible partners in the world, you just chose each other. I would imagine easier to accept for your own state of mind, too.

[rockstache]

Recognize that you are human, and you will naturally be attracted to other people from time to time.  Then, ensure that you arrange your life to minimize the situations where you might be the position to act upon those temptations.

+1

When this has happened to me, I avoid any extraneous dealings with the person, and try to imagine their dirty socks not quite making the hamper every day for the rest of my life. Then I focus my mental energy on what I love about my spouse, whom I love very much. The feeling always passes (thus far) but sometimes it takes a while. 

[GuitarStv]

If you don't believe in the ' only one soulmate' theory ( I don't) then it is logical that we will identify others we are attracted to as we move through life.

When this has happened to me, the instant I realized it, I cut off contact and talking with the other person.  Getting emotions tangled in is the dangerous part and talking is needed for the emotions to build.

This is different from just enjoying real life eye candy.

Yeah, I think separating a strong physical attraction, vs a strong physical attraction coupled with emotional connection. The second one is way more dangerous.

And yeah, I could see how this would be a divisive subject on the "one true love" viewpoint. It's a lot easier to tell a partner about an attraction if both of you are of the opinion that there are many possible compatible partners in the world, you just chose each other. I would imagine easier to accept for your own state of mind, too.

In many ways, I'd argue that the 'one true love' idea is less romantic.  If there is only one person for you, then you were pretty much fated to meet.  No need for work or effort.  It was a done deal before you even saw one another.

If there are many potential matches for you, then your partner chose you among the many.

[Bracken_Joy]

If you don't believe in the ' only one soulmate' theory ( I don't) then it is logical that we will identify others we are attracted to as we move through life.

When this has happened to me, the instant I realized it, I cut off contact and talking with the other person.  Getting emotions tangled in is the dangerous part and talking is needed for the emotions to build.

This is different from just enjoying real life eye candy.

Yeah, I think separating a strong physical attraction, vs a strong physical attraction coupled with emotional connection. The second one is way more dangerous.

And yeah, I could see how this would be a divisive subject on the "one true love" viewpoint. It's a lot easier to tell a partner about an attraction if both of you are of the opinion that there are many possible compatible partners in the world, you just chose each other. I would imagine easier to accept for your own state of mind, too.

In many ways, I'd argue that the 'one true love' idea is less romantic.  If there is only one person for you, then you were pretty much fated to meet.  No need for work or effort.  It was a done deal before you even saw one another.

If there are many potential matches for you, then your partner chose you among the many.

I'm definitely with you on that. But then, our vows included, "I choose you, and bind my life to yours", so clearly the choice thing holds a lot of meaning for us =)

[LennStar]

I'm with KMMK. Attraction shows me that something is missing in a relationship.

No. Thats plainly wrong (except you mean you are lacking a second man).
Regardless if you subscribe to the 1 soulmate thinking (good luck finding that one in 7 billion people where you weill never meet 99% of them) or not, there can always people who give you different kinds of affection and attraction.
There is no one who can give all that, that others can give you. Others can enrich you in numerous different ways and you can feel in numerous different ways for that.
"missing" is NOT the same as "you could have more". Its hard to explain...


Since I am an anime fan let me explain this with anime girls ^^

This is Tohko, the Book Girl. The loves books so much that she eats them.

If I would meet her, I would be delighted (as the bibliophile that I am) to listen to her talking about books. I would probably look like the cheshire cat. I could watch her for hours when she sits on the folding chair reading a book.
But this is completely platonic, no sexual attraction (and that has nothing to with the fact - and I half quote the book here - that she is so flat you wouldn't see more even if she strips completely. As a writer myself I love that line.)

Then lets look at the opposite. Hm... Hestia.

This little goddess with the big curves, if she would does the skinship she does with her boy I'm not sure if I could resist. But I would have problems with her even as a normal friend. Too noisy for my liking.

Another one, one of my favorite chars: Shinigami Rory

This gothloli semi-goddess is incredibly funny (of a certain sadistic sort of fun https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wf6JNYHEp6Q ). Also if she would seduce me, I would not say no - but I would have no problems at all without any sexual tones. She is just funny to have around and sex would just be one more sort of fun.

So, what do we miss... ah, the waifu material:   Hiro

This always dieting girl looks good, is warm, intelligent and a good cook etc. The motherly stereotype.
You could have a happy marriage (as with the others) and not miss anything.
BUT you would never have the same fun as with Rory or the intense love for books as with Tohko or the noisiness as with Hestia.
That is what I mean with the difference of missing and more. 

--------

Back to the OP:
Of course it can be that you miss something - whatever it may be. You have to find out by looking into yourself, which is hard. Thats the core of my first post.

[Anonyforthis]

Great thoughts everyone. Some of you have articulated what I was getting at in the original post about being careful not to use this attraction as some sort of litmus test for my marriage. In particular, I think it's dangerous to see something I feel with another man as something that I should expect from my husband. Early attraction is an entirely different ballgame.

It's entirely possible that meeting someone else could reveal to someone the fatal flaws in their marriage, enough so that they decide to get out. But for me, that's not what's going on. And how terrible it would be for me to think, "Because X guy who got my motor running has this quality that turns me on I should find a way to get my husband on board with being that way." What a shitty thing for me to do, though that's one of the problems with developing extramarital feelings for someone. Not attraction, but feelings. There's a big difference. You start to see flaws or cracks in your marital relationship that were never a problem before. I just don't think the impetus for change within my marriage should be another man.

In that paragraph above, I'm not necessarily arguing against anyone, except maybe my own emotions throughout the process, which has been eye-opening to say the least.

[fallstoclimb]

Let's say, totally hypothetically, that cutting off all contact with the person is not feasible/possible.  What then?

asking for a friend

[Goldielocks]

Let's say, totally hypothetically, that cutting off all contact with the person is not feasible/possible.  What then?

asking for a friend

It is always possible to stop talking to someone, even if you still must see them or be in the same room.

[englishteacheralex]

I've been married three years and this has not happened to me. I think it's because I dated so much before I got married...I just never can look at another man with those idealistic eyes of new romance. I know too much. I know that no matter how great somebody seems to be, there's going to be something about them that is smelly, gross, unappealing, and not fun to be around. I know this because I have those aspects of my own personality, as well.

So I know that what makes my marriage special is completely irreplaceable: it's the time and emotional energy that we have invested into each other. As we experience things together, that bond becomes deeper, more meaningful, and more valuable. We don't have a perfect relationship, but it's ours. Nobody else knows me like my husband does. Over time, we are breaking each other into our ways like comfortable pairs of shoes (kind of a ham-handed simile...).

I don't long for the thrill of new romance because I've had it so many times and I know how misleading and silly it really is; how many men I fell for so hard only to discover that they were so very flawed...I'll take the flawed man who committed to me and makes me his first priority every day. Fleeting attraction can't compete.

[SilveradoBojangles]

I have thought quite a lot about this, because I have struggled with monogamy in every relationship I had prior to this one. A lot of my current thinking on the matter is very directly informed by listening to Dan Savage's podcast, in which he spends a lot of time discussing how incredibly abnormal it is to be in a multi-decade relationship with someone and never be attracted to anyone else. Once you acknowledge that these outside attractions are perfectly normal, the discussion centers around how you choose to respond to these attractions when they do pop up. While I think that I can easily be attracted to (and maybe even love) more than one person at once, I'm not really interested in a poly lifestyle because I don't want to date, and it sounds like a lot of work to juggle multiple people with their own sets of feelings while still keeping my primary relationship strong. I like to keep my life simple, so at this point I am choosing to forego the potential excitement that comes with something new in favor of working to make my relationship with my partner as strong as possible. That may change at some point, but that's where we are now. I think introducing non-monogamy at this point would be destabilizing, and it's just not worth the hassle. It's also easy to make this choice because I'm head over heels in love with my partner. I do think that some point down the line we could shift towards a more monogamish relationship, but that would need to be negotiated to figure out something we both felt comfortable with.

Luckily I've only had a strong attraction to someone else come up a few times during my current relationship (~10 years), and 2 of those were towards people that I met for a brief time (at a conference), but live very far away from. So while there was extreme temptation during the week of the conference, there was no threat of it becoming something unmanageable in the rest of my life, and I'll probably never see those people again. These attractions had nothing to do with my relationship (which is great, and was great at the time that they popped up), and everything to do with that surge of excitement that comes with meeting someone who is hot, and that you connect intellectually with, and who is clearly in to you as well. That validation of feeling attractive is a powerful drug. You start thinking, "if I was unattached, I would definitely explore this further...". There was no part of me that started thinking about a new/separate life with these people. Because I have a great life with my current partner, and intellectually I know that they are real people who would have all sorts of flaws in the long term. But for a 1 week, no strings attached fling? It was very tempting, and difficult not to act on.

The last attraction I can remember was a stupid crush on someone I barely knew at a time long, long ago when my partner and I were doing extreme long distance (like, different continents, going months without seeing each other) and when our future was very uncertain, so I do think that one was more symptomatic of relationship problems at that time. The guy wasn't in to me, so I was never faced with decision time. Luckily I've never had this come up with anyone I have to see regularly (or maybe I'm good at walling off any possibility and just not even going there mentally).

[acroy]

Diverse crowd here!

I'm happily married 13yrs. Yes I have animal attraction to women, because I am a dude and the female form is the most beautiful thing in the Universe. Occasionally I have intellectual attraction to a hot+intellectual woman, because - well that is obvious. It's the most beautiful thing in the Universe plus mental attraction. Heady stuff, and why I married DW.

Attraction is just an emotion.

Animals have instinct/emotion. That's all they have. People are not animals.

People are special: in addition to instinct/emotion we have Intellect and Will. We use emotion/instinct as inputs to Intellect, then use Will to act. We do this whether we realize it (are conscience of it) or not.

{(emotion/instinct)+(other factors, such as research)]*(Intellect) = Knowledge.
(Knowledge)*(Will) = correct Action

A very good definition of 'maturity' is: A developed, conscience use of Intellect to analyze inputs (incl emotions) followed by use of the Will to act accordingly. 2-step process. Miss either step, and the person is 'immature'.

Think about it: kids know only their emotions, what they want and don't want. Immature adults are the same.  Also, all of us know people who know what they should do, but do not. I myself know things I should do (for instance eat & drink less) but do not, because I do not fully exercise my will.

Extramarital Attraction: it's merely an emotion. Your intellect tells you it's wrong to 'follow through' on it, so you dismiss & do not act on the emotion. Correct action! Do not let it bother you; you made a considered, correct decision.

Easier said than done of course.... I am classically educated, old-school Catholic. I believe in objective reality and moral absolutes. This type of emotion is just  opportunity for temptation. Temptation is desire for evil. The act of giving into temptation (acting wrongly while knowing it's wrong) is a sin - bad stuff. The temptation itself is not evil; only evil willful actions. At the same time, it's best not to 'play with the devil' - expose yourself to or entertain temptation. Take from this what you will.

[golden1]

Attraction shows me that something is missing in a relationship.

Such bullshit.

No one person can be everything to you.  If you think that is true, you are in for a lifetime of disappointment. 

It's normal to be attracted to other people.  Enjoyable even.  It doesn't mean your relationship is flawed in some way.  It just means that your pheromones and his/her pheromones are compatible.  I have been attracted to lots of other people in my 21 year marriage and my husband has too, I'm sure.  I made a monogamous marriage committment, so I don't act on it.  It's a conscious decision whether you choose to act or not act on an attraction. 

[LifeHappens]

Does no one have stories about experiencing extramarital attraction, and moving past it without having an affair / going polyamorous / blowing up your marriage?  Surely this has happened to people.  As GuitarStv said, we're all human.  I want hard data and specific stories, not platitudes!

I'll play.

My husband has a friend I find quite physically and intellectually attractive. He's an all around good person I admire very much.

His wife passed away a few years ago and we did what we could to be there for him. During that time I found myself developing feelings for him. I'm a fairly self-aware person and I realized that my previous admiration and attraction for him, plus us taking on something of a caretaker role had led to those feelings. The awareness helped me compartmentalize what was happening and act appropriately.

I didn't tell my husband about this because I know it would have caused him pain, and I certainly didn't tell grieving friend. Instead, we continued to help him out as best we could and he eventually went on to date and marry again. We see him and his new wife several times a year. I still find him attractive but I keep that piece of my brain separate when we are together.

By the way, this is not at all a reflection on my marriage. I adore and am very attracted to my husband. I just think no longer grieving friend is a wonderful man and could have been a great partner for me in another timeline.

[dougules]

Out of curiosity, does the guy you're crushing on know?

If you really think you can be open and honest with your husband about your crush, you probably should ease into discussing it with him.  If you think there's a decent chance it's going to make him jealous or insecure, though, find somebody else to talk about it with that won't judge.  There's no shame in having feelings for somebody else if you don't take it anywhere.  Being able to talk about it openly with somebody else will make it lose its power.

You should think about whether or not it's coming from problems in your marriage, but it's just as likely that it's completely unrelated.  You can have a perfectly good relationship and still occasionally develop feelings for other people. 

[GuitarStv]

Let's say, totally hypothetically, that cutting off all contact with the person is not feasible/possible.  What then?

asking for a friend

You don't have to cut off all contact with that person.  You should minimize situations that could lead to problems.

So, don't socialize with the person more than necessary.  Avoid putting yourself alone in a room with that person.  Don't drink or do drugs while that person is around.  Avoid touching.

Be honest with your partner.  Talking things over with him/her will help in several ways . . . your partner may have suggestions that can help you get through it, it gets everything out in the open so there's less 'illicit sexy' thing happening, and it reaffirms your commitment to both of you.

[2buttons]

How do you handle it? You stop being a f'ing a$$hole and recognize that you committed your life to another person contractually (and for some of us in faith), and its built on mutual trust

Its marriage, not a pair of socks. 

MOD NOTE: Violation of forum rules. Rule #1 - Don't be a jerk, also, Personal attacks are not acceptable on our forums.

[pbkmaine]

Attraction shows me that something is missing in a relationship.

Such bullshit.

No one person can be everything to you.  If you think that is true, you are in for a lifetime of disappointment. 

It's normal to be attracted to other people.  Enjoyable even.  It doesn't mean your relationship is flawed in some way.  It just means that your pheromones and his/her pheromones are compatible.  I have been attracted to lots of other people in my 21 year marriage and my husband has too, I'm sure.  I made a monogamous marriage committment, so I don't act on it.  It's a conscious decision whether you choose to act or not act on an attraction.

Well, I'm 60, and DH and I have been together many years. No disappointment here.

[zoltani]

My wife had an emotional relationship with someone. The other dude was also married. His wife was the jealous type and suspected something serious was going on. Apparently they never slept together, and I asked my wife straight up if she was having an emotional relationship with him, she said no. She even went as far as convincing me the other dude's wife was just paranoid, jealous, and crazy. Fast forward to 4 years later and I learn that she lied to my face, and had also physically cheated with an ex boyfriend around the same time. The 4 years of lies was just too much for me. Instead of telling the truth so we could work through it she lied and let it fester and cause other problems in our relationship. It led to divorce.

So I guess I agree with other posters, honesty is really the best. Also avoid that person you have an emotional/physical attraction to.

[fallstoclimb]

Be honest with your partner.  Talking things over with him/her will help in several ways . . . your partner may have suggestions that can help you get through it, it gets everything out in the open so there's less 'illicit sexy' thing happening, and it reaffirms your commitment to both of you.

I'm not 100% sold on this idea, though.  I don't care if my husband thinks other ladies are hot, but if he was full-on crushing on someone, who he would spend time with without me around....I don't think I'd want to know.  Unless, him telling me somehow helped him not cheat.  But let's just assume no one's cheating with anyone in this scenario. 

[Anonyforthis]

Out of curiosity, does the guy you're crushing on know?

No, I don't think so. And I did come to the conclusion that it would be a terrible decision to tell him. That's like kerosene. He flirts with me, but it's harmless on his end. The guy loves his wife. It's clear as day to me and everyone else in our online friend circle.

In this case, this is an online friend, so I don't have the added benefit/curse of seeing him. But words and online communication can be pretty damned deadly. In some respects, I think it can be worse, because it led me to share more about myself than I would have otherwise.

I have since pulled back and mostly just exchange pleasantries. It's working...sort of. Until it doesn't. Then I ignore him for a while. But for reasons I don't want to get into and aren't ultimately important, I would prefer to keep him as a friend if at all possible. He's valuable to me as a friend and a contact. I would prefer my feelings to not derail a valuable friendship.

[Anonyme2]

I had to make an anon account to comment on this.

About two years ago I was in this situation. I was happy in my marriage but all of the sudden SERIOUSLY attracted to a co-worker/friend that I have worked with for a while. Bizarrely, he was also happily married and attracted to me at the same time.

It was ROUGH. We had to work closely together and we must have been giving off pheromones or something because coworkers were starting to make comments.

I found it stressful.

I rode it out. We stopped having lunch, stopped texting about work related issues, stopped sitting in each others offices chatting - no closed door meetings ever.

We didn't let anything happen between us. It took about a while but I woke up one morning and it just wasn't as intense anymore and I'd say it has 95% passed (every now and then I still get a little spark). Now I just feel a faint sense of embarrassment about the whole thing, especially when coworkers assume we had an affair gone wrong.

I'm so happy that I never let anything happen.

Anyway, I just wanted to say this too shall pass. This attraction might be more intense but it will go away just like the other ones.

[little_brown_dog]

It is completely fine to be attracted to someone else, what matters is how you handle it. It sounds like you have a crush. Just because we marry someone awesome doesn't mean everyone else in the world ceases to be hot, funny, smart, or lovable. You have noticed this person is attractive to you. Great. When you are single, you act on it. When you are not, you don't. Some of us are probably more prone to extramarital crushes than others based on our history, personality, etc.

It's important to realize that crushes can take on a life of their own and often are not true reflections of a real connection/relationship. They start with a few great conversations, a bit of sexual tension, and before you know it, you have made it into a much bigger deal than it is. All of a sudden you feel like there is this important connection, this REAL thing that is going on, but the only reason is because we have built it up so much in our minds. We start to anticipate or become nervous/anxious to see the person, which in turn makes our next interaction seem that much more awesome/powerful. We start to seek them out more, so we spend more time with them, which grows our attachment (even though, duh we are attached because we are purposefully trying to get attached). It's like a vicious cycle or snowball effect. I'm convinced this is why so many people screw up and cheat on their spouses with people who rarely turn into anything other than a fling...they have a couple good moments with someone else, and then they let it snowball into something that isn't real.

+1 to limiting contact as much as is reasonable to effectively put the person in their appropriate sphere (friend zone, coworker, etc). The trouble will start if you purposefully seek out opportunities to be closer with this person than you should be. So if this is a coworker, then being friendly, chatting at work, etc is fine and you can just enjoy feeling happy with them. But going out for drinks after? Or seeking them out for solo lunches together in their office? Cut it out. That stuff will only make you want them more and will make you think you have a huge connection, when in reality the connection is just a result of you perpetuating your pursuit of them. Alone time will make the sexual tension seem even more intense just by virtue of being alone with this person, so try to avoid being alone with them until it subsides.

[Anonyforthis]

I had to make an anon account to comment on this.

About two years ago I was in this situation. I was happy in my marriage but all of the sudden SERIOUSLY attracted to a co-worker/friend that I have worked with for a while. Bizarrely, he was also happily married and attracted to me at the same time.

It was ROUGH. We had to work closely together and we must have been giving off pheromones or something because coworkers were starting to make comments.

I found it stressful.

I rode it out. We stopped having lunch, stopped texting about work related issues, stopped sitting in each others offices chatting - no closed door meetings ever.

We didn't let anything happen between us. It took about a while but I woke up one morning and it just wasn't as intense anymore and I'd say it has 95% passed (every now and then I still get a little spark). Now I just feel a faint sense of embarrassment about the whole thing, especially when coworkers assume we had an affair gone wrong.

I'm so happy that I never let anything happen.

Anyway, I just wanted to say this too shall pass. This attraction might be more intense but it will go away just like the other ones.

Thank you for making the effort to create a new account. Who knows...like me, maybe it will come in handy in the future. :)

This is exactly the kind of story I was hoping to elicit. Can I ask how you know he was attracted to you as well? Did he tell you? Or was the sexual crackle that strong that it was impossible not to know? 

It's nice to hear these stories, especially the relief and the "what was I thinking?" thought process that invariably comes.

[GuitarStv]

Be honest with your partner.  Talking things over with him/her will help in several ways . . . your partner may have suggestions that can help you get through it, it gets everything out in the open so there's less 'illicit sexy' thing happening, and it reaffirms your commitment to both of you.

I'm not 100% sold on this idea, though.  I don't care if my husband thinks other ladies are hot, but if he was full-on crushing on someone, who he would spend time with without me around....I don't think I'd want to know.  Unless, him telling me somehow helped him not cheat.  But let's just assume no one's cheating with anyone in this scenario.

If it's a matter of thinking someone else is hot, I would never bring it up.  If I thought that it was something that could potentially effect our marriage, it's become important enough to bring up.  I'm not saying that it's going to be a particularly comfortable conversation . . . but it's one that's important to have.

Hiding your head in the sand may avoid embarrassment, but I don't think it's the best course of action to preserve a marriage.

[Anonyme2]

Did he tell you? Or was the sexual crackle that strong that it was impossible not to know? 

Both actually. Our coworkers truly thought/think that we had an affair so it was obvious to everyone.

This guy is basically my co-manager so we are together all. the. time. At work we have a large beer fridge specifically for late night projects. He and I pulled a late night, working and drinking and we ended up drunk and thankfully we talked it out. The conversation started something like this:

Anonyme2: Why are you drunk pacing? You're gonna hit the wall!
Comanager: trying to decide to if we should make out on the conference table or flee.
Anonyme2: hysterically, drunkenly laughing . . . .Ooohh we need to talk about this don't we?
We laughed, and cried and decided that we were idiots. We came up with a game plan for working together while avoiding each other.

I wouldn't recommend drunkenness though because it could always end badly.

There is still totally crackle there (i think there are just people on this earth with whom you  have great chemistry sometimes)and our banter is ON POINT and sitcom-like (our boss referred to us as Jim and Pam for years before the year of feelings) - but the emotions have passed. 

Gaahhh - in retrospect it is so mortifying because GROWN UPS DON'T ACT LIKE THAT - but apparently we do.

[golden1]

Well, I'm 60, and DH and I have been together many years. No disappointment here.

I wasn't saying that all marriages are fundamentally disappointing.  What I was trying to say is that there is a really wide variety of people out there, and chances are you might meet someone during your life that has an appealing quality that your spouse lacks.  I think there is a certain expectation that people have that the person you marry should meet every want or need that you have, and I just don't think that is realistic.  First of all, in a long marriage, there will likely be times that your spouse disappoints you in some aspect of his/her behavior and personality.  Second, people are not static over their lives and can and will change, sometimes in ways you like, and sometimes in ways you don't.  So, to me, the arguement that attraction is only because you are "missing something" in your relationship or your relationship is flawed somehow seemed silly.   The commitment is important, because it can help you get through those spots when your spouse is pissing you off and the coworker or friend looks really, really good. 

[2buttons]

Maybe I am old fashioned, but all of this sounds like insanity to me. 

[zoltani]

Hiding your head in the sand may avoid embarrassment, but I don't think it's the best course of action to preserve a marriage.

Agree 100%

[charis]

Maybe I am old fashioned, but all of this sounds like insanity to me.

If you are never attracted to anyone, ever, other than your partner, and vice versa, that's fantastic for you.  Really.  But most of the population has an attraction to someone else on occasion.  It's not crazy, it just is. 

Not everyone can understand or relate to every post on the forum.  When that happens to me, I ignore that thread. 

[2buttons]

No, I am attracted to other people and have been hit on more than once with the hardware on my hand. What I don't understand is why anyone would even think for a second about making a move other than shutting it down verbally with the other person, not my spouse.  Why should I upset my spouse, when its the other person and potentially me that are being the jerks? Stop being so damn selfish. 

MOD NOTE: Violation of forum rules. Rule #1 - Don't be a jerk, also, Personal attacks are not acceptable on our forums. We try to acknowledge that people have different views, different life experiences and respectful discussion is possible without personal attacks.

[Alenzia]

Does no one have stories about experiencing extramarital attraction, and moving past it without having an affair / going polyamorous / blowing up your marriage?  Surely this has happened to people.  As GuitarStv said, we're all human.  I want hard data and specific stories, not platitudes!

I've had that happen once - long hours with a coworker who I endlessly respect (and am still friends with) led to all kinds of chemistry. No affair, never got even close. What helped me go through it was to acknowledge that those feelings aren't insane and aren't necessarily bad in themselves, and I just enjoyed the thrill of them until they simmered out on their own. Somehow the feelings not being "forbidden" took the edge of excitement off eventually.

The caveat, however, is that my husband and I are generally OK with each other flirting with other people and being friends with those of opposite sex, as long as nothing physical happens - I don't think I'd feel quite as OK with what I was experiencing had I not known that he doesn't have an issue with it and trusts me.

[charis]

No, I am attracted to other people and have been hit on more than once with the hardware on my hand. What I don't understand is why anyone would even think for a second about making a move other than shutting it down verbally with the other person, not my spouse.  Why should I upset my spouse, when its the other person and potentially me that are being the jerks? Stop being so damn selfish.

No one has even suggested not shutting it down if someone actually hits on them.  I think you are misconstruing the issue here.