Letting a friend go. I

[Cassie]

We have had a friend for 15 years. I am female and married and am 65. My friend is male and has become part of our group. He had a girlfriend for 5 years and has unsuccessful in finding a new one. Once or twice a month he comes for dinner and brings a salad. He has a golden and I have 2 Maltese. A few years ago he made a joke if my husband was gone he was interested. I didn’t take it seriously. This week when he came in my dogs barked a lot and I took them all outside. When I came in he was making the salad and said this knife is dirty and threw it across my tiny kitchen. I asked if he needed a sharper knife and he said no. He got a really mean look on his face and told me to go into the other room and get away from him. When the timer went off for dinner he told me. Then he drank wine and fell asleep on the couch. He wanted to spend the night and I said no. My plan is to ghost him. It seems like he has gone off the crazy train.

[mspym]

That sucks and I am sorry he chose to behave that way. I think not hanging out with people who *throw knives* is a clear and sensible boundary to draw.

[lizzzi]

One of my friends of 30 years, who is 72, is starting to subtly slide into what looks like the beginnings of mild cognitive impairment or  early dementia. You would have to know her well to even notice, but we good friends are aware.  I'm not sure there are any good answers for this crummy situation. It seems wrong to back off and not be there for a friend. On the other hand, you can't really be in much of a relationship anymore either. (You sure can't socialize with someone who is throwing knives.) I would say to monitor the situation for now...maybe check with others in the group to see if they are also noticing odd behaviors and/or judgment issues. The management of the situation will probably fall onto the closest relative or the significant other...if there is one. Perhaps you could let his doctor know, if you know who it is. The MD's office won't discuss him with you, of course, but you can acknowledge that, and just say that you are a close friend and feel that you need to report the aberrant behavior, just for their information.

[KBecks]

Sounds like a good idea. Cancel those dinners. Were you alone with this person?

[former player]

Cassie, I hope you've talked to your DH and they are on the same page as you.  It could be a bit trickier to talk to the rest of your friendship group and work out a course of action that all of you are happy with.

[KBecks]

I guess the other thing is to investigate a little bit to see if there is some crazy in his life.  Did something happen at work?  Did something happen to his family?   

But even if there is some sort of reasonable explanation, you do not have to spend any time with a person whom you feel unsafe around, and it sounds like you may have felt unsafe in your own home.

[GuitarStv]

Holy fuck.

So your friend is throwing knives around and telling you what rooms in your home you're allowed to be in?  Cut him out of your life entirely and be careful about locking your doors.

[BudgetSlasher]

I am sorry you were put in this position

Let me start off by saying in no uncertain terms, throwing knives, drinking too much, falling asleep on the sofa, and asking to stay over all seem to cross various lines (some more severe than others). And you should not be made to feel unsafe in your own house.

If this is truly a friend, I would at least try to work past this. For the sake of the relationship and the sake of an individual that I cared about. For example, if this was a one off, perhaps you and your husband can offer a chance to explain (as has been mentioned perhaps something stressful happened, though that is not an excuse) and make it clear that it was unacceptable. From there I would decide how to proceed.

Another thing to consider (I am making the assumption that this friend is a similar age as you) is an age related neurological condition or decline. Perhaps this friend has a neurological condition (diagnosed or undiagnosed) that makes them prone to emotional outburst and the mean look/anger was embarrassment/directed at himself for his behavior. Unfortunately I have seen this pattern in family where an uncontrolled emotional outburst results in frustration and anger (which can be self directed or lashed out). Some of these conditions do get worse in the evening (sundowning) perhaps coinciding with dinner. Again, I am not saying you should place yourself at risk or discomfort to accommodate them; but this would complicate things.

As has been mentioned is your husband on board with this decision, what about the group of friends?

Finally, I don't thinking ghosting will work. First you run in the same circle of friend and are likely to continue to cross paths or be mentioned to each other (or he will hear about an event at your house and assume he is invited, if he has been routinely in the past). Second, he has been in your social circle for 5 years and coming to your house twice a month for years (that is to say he knows where you live). Which brings me to the third item, if he truly gone "off the crazy train" of developed some sort of degenerative condition impacting his emotional stability you should at least be prepared for additional social boundaries to be crossed during the seperation and the subtleties of ghosting to be missed.

In the end you should and must do what is best for your safety and mental well being.

[BicycleB]

Like others, I agree that:
1. You're not called to put yourself in danger or accept flying knives.
2. If you and husband dig into it, you may find that your friend is in increasing need, possibly due to growing mental impairment.

It may not be Alzheimer's, just a decline due to loneliness and aging and depression piling upon native detachment. That by itself can be significant and may merit some sort of assistance or intervention, if there is a worthwhile one that you can do. But it may be an underlying neurological decline. My Dad got Alzheimer's and his original crankiness grew as the disease progressed. My sister and I did intervene, making a difference in his quality of life during those years. He probably lived an extra 2 years or more to boot, because he got good care under our supervision...we didn't care for him by hand 24-7, we took charge of the case and supervised a lot, attending doctor visits, visiting the assisted living facility, etc.

Investigate safely, preferably with support or as a group activity...if you choose.

[marble_faun]

That sounds scary! 

I agree with the others -- if you've known him for 15 years and this behavior is totally out-of-character, there might be something going on with him mentally.

Maybe talk to the other friends and see if they have noticed anything like this?  In the meantime, you definitely don't have to host him, but it might be worth figuring out why is acting this way.

[ginjaninja]

I would talk with your husband to ensure that if you put this boundary in place he will support you.  If he is a mutual friend I would want to be on the same page!

[Cassie]

We don’t have the same circle of friends as when we first met. That group slowly fell apart years ago. I invited him to my parties but no one liked him enough to invite him to there’s. My husband has never really liked him and found him annoying. This is the second incident in a month.  I don’t know his family or his doctor.  He is still successfully self employed. Some of my friends think he is getting too attached to me and frustrated that he cannot find a partner. We are both 65.  He only contacts women on dating sites 10 years younger and very pretty. He has a skewed view of his looks. He also doesn’t make much money so is limited on travel, etc.   If he looked at women his own age I think he would find someone.

[eljefe-speaks]

Extreme personality changes can be the symptom of a brain tumor.

[Cassie]

I know my DIL had a baseball size brain tumor. As I said before I don’t have contact information for his family or I would give them a heads up.

[CNM]

Even if, on the off chance it actually is a medical condition, you are not responsible for this person.  He has twice now acted wildly inappropriately toward you.  I'd stop inviting him over and if he comes over anyway, tell him in no uncertain terms that he is not welcome.

[Cassie]

I wouldn’t answer the door if he showed up. I doubt he will do that. He will probably call or text.

[pachnik]

We don’t have the same circle of friends as when we first met. That group slowly fell apart years ago. I invited him to my parties but no one liked him enough to invite him to there’s. My husband has never really liked him and found him annoying. This is the second incident in a month.  I don’t know his family or his doctor.  He is still successfully self employed. Some of my friends think he is getting too attached to me and frustrated that he cannot find a partner. We are both 65.  He only contacts women on dating sites 10 years younger and very pretty. He has a skewed view of his looks. He also doesn’t make much money so is limited on travel, etc.   If he looked at women his own age I think he would find someone.

The situation with the knife sounds really scary.   Even though you don't have contact information for his family, do you perhaps have contact info. for any close friends he has?   

[Cassie]

I don’t.

[Cassie]

Lizzy, I went through early dementia with a good friend of mine for 15 years until she died.  We went so far as to help them stay home together with her dying husband for a few years. I became her guardian, put her in a home and drove 2 hours weekly to visit until she died. I don’t think it’s that but regardless we were really stressed for 2 years helping this couple who were much better friends. He is close to his 2 siblings so they will help if needed.  I am not going down that path again.

[BicycleB]

He may be exactly what he seems: the guy who ends up isolated through his own unreasonable behavior. Flying knives are not a good sign. Follow your own instincts.

PS. You could look up statute of limitations in your state. Throwing a knife...is that not some sort of an assult threat? I don't know if you want to, but you'd be within your rights to report it to the police. Or to tell him that you're within your rights, and that if he does it again, you will report. On those lines, I just suggest making sure you're willing to do whatever you say you're going to do.

Sorry if I'm solutioning when I should be listening.   :)

[Cassie]

Bicycle, the last thing I want to do is add to his troubles by calling the police.  We live in a big enough town that I never run into him so I don’t ever expect to see him again. He wasn’t trying to hit me with the knife but scary none the less.  Plus it was just a regular not sharp knife.  What was worse was the look he got on his face when he told me to get out of the kitchen. It was bad.

[OtherJen]

Even if, on the off chance it actually is a medical condition, you are not responsible for this person.  He has twice now acted wildly inappropriately toward you.  I'd stop inviting him over and if he comes over anyway, tell him in no uncertain terms that he is not welcome.

This. He shouldn't get a third chance to frighten and harass you in your own home.

I recently had to go no contact with a male friend whose behavior toward me and a mutual female friend had grown increasingly inappropriate since his divorce. He had escalated to exhibiting stalking behaviors toward me and sexually harassing her. I don't wish him ill and sincerely hope he can get the help that he needs, but I can't be around him and ensure my own safety. His well-being is not my responsibility.

[Cassie]

Wow Jen that’s scary. Thankfully I have never been stalked.  I never thought I would have this drama at my age.

[OtherJen]

Wow Jen that’s scary. Thankfully I have never been stalked.  I never thought I would have this drama at my age.

It's funny you should say that. I recently gave the bare-bones version of the story to a friend in her 70s, and she said (paraphrasing) "No offense, but I'd have thought you'd have aged out of that sort of nonsense" (I'm in my early 40s). I agreed, and then she paused and confessed that multiple male friends had propositioned her in the last few years. I guess there's no age at which we can expect true invisibility.

[BudgetSlasher]

We don’t have the same circle of friends as when we first met. That group slowly fell apart years ago. I invited him to my parties but no one liked him enough to invite him to there’s. My husband has never really liked him and found him annoying. This is the second incident in a month.  I don’t know his family or his doctor.  He is still successfully self employed. Some of my friends think he is getting too attached to me and frustrated that he cannot find a partner. We are both 65.  He only contacts women on dating sites 10 years younger and very pretty. He has a skewed view of his looks. He also doesn’t make much money so is limited on travel, etc.   If he looked at women his own age I think he would find someone.

That makes him sound much more like an acquaintance or a friend-of-a-friend than a friend (though I did get that tone from the original post).

Given that nature of the relationship, I (personally) would be much more willing to just let it fade away into the background than to put much effort into repairing it.

[Cassie]

Jen, that’s so interesting. I guess you aren’t dead until you really are:))

[Villanelle]

I agree that regardless of the underlying reason, this is behavior from which you need to protect yourself. 

If you truly, truly believe it is a sign of a medical condition, you *might* consider contacting his family if you happen to know how.  But I'd only consider that if I was pretty sure that was the cause, and if you feel confident that the family will handle it delicately.  (It sounds like this is not an option for you.)  Otherwise, it could amplify his behavior, which is why I would likely do nothing other than distance myself from him, and perhaps warn any other women to whom you are close (and can trust) and with whom he has an association. 

[EricL]

I think if you're truly a friend you should communicate that his behavior frightened you, seemed wildly out of character, and you're worried he needs medical attention or at least therapy.  If he can't understand that and won't get himself examined, you definitely need to look out for #1 and ghost.  Even if he's got some medical/psychological issue, a break in the relationship is necessary for it to be corrected.

[Cassie]

If he was a female and not interested in me I would.  As a human services professional I know this situation is not safe for me.

[partgypsy]

We don’t have the same circle of friends as when we first met. That group slowly fell apart years ago. I invited him to my parties but no one liked him enough to invite him to there’s. My husband has never really liked him and found him annoying. This is the second incident in a month.  I don’t know his family or his doctor.  He is still successfully self employed. Some of my friends think he is getting too attached to me and frustrated that he cannot find a partner. We are both 65.  He only contacts women on dating sites 10 years younger and very pretty. He has a skewed view of his looks. He also doesn’t make much money so is limited on travel, etc.   If he looked at women his own age I think he would find someone.

I'm reading this is not due to cognitive impairment, but that he has (unrealistic expectations) of you and is frustrated. I'm sorry he put this on you, but I don't think you need to put up with a friendship that no longer works. What would be best if he developed more friendships, both male and female instead of relying on you, but that's his work, not yours. Depending on how you read the situation and how he would react, you can even tell him why you are dropping the friendship, even something short like, "The last time you visited, you were not pleasant to be around and I don't feel I have much in common with you to continue this friendship."  Or, you can decline/make excuses any invitations going forward.

[pachnik]

If he was a female and not interested in me I would.  As a human services professional I know this situation is not safe for me.

 It is not safe for you.   I keep thinking of the incident with the knife.

[lizzzi]

Lizzy, I went through early dementia with a good friend of mine for 15 years until she died.  We went so far as to help them stay home together with her dying husband for a few years. I became her guardian, put her in a home and drove 2 hours weekly to visit until she died. I don’t think it’s that but regardless we were really stressed for 2 years helping this couple who were much better friends. He is close to his 2 siblings so they will help if needed.  I am not going down that path again.

The more I read, the more this sounds like a situation where the OP needs to protect herself, her home, and her own family (i.e. husband) from this angry, frustrated guy's behavior. If there are bona fide health issues (dementia? brain tumor?) in play, then his own family would be the appropriate ones to help him. If it's just bad behavior, there's no reason to continue this relationship, and every reason to end it.  I don't think there's any need for some big, dramatic confrontational scene. Just make yourselves unavailable to him.

[RetiredAt63]

If he was a female and not interested in me I would.  As a human services professional I know this situation is not safe for me.

So what would you advise someone else in this situation do?  Then do it.

Sounds like you need to ghost him.  I would not want to ever see again a "friend" who threw something at me.

[J Boogie]

TBH, it's hard to simply ghost someone who you've known for 15 years, knows where you live, and is mentally ill.

I would write an email letting him know you felt unsafe around him, want him to get help, don't feel safe seeing him until he does, and will call the police if he knocks on your door before then.

[OtherJen]

TBH, it's hard to simply ghost someone who you've known for 15 years, knows where you live, and is mentally ill.

I would write an email letting him know you felt unsafe around him, want him to get help, don't feel safe seeing him until he does, and will call the police if he knocks on your door before then.

I'm torn. I think sending an email can be effective, but threatening to get the police involved might actually trigger a violent episode (this can happen with restraining orders in some cases, depending on the stability of the person against whom the order was filed).

When I had to go no-contact with my ex-friend/stalker, I simply emailed to tell him that further contact would not be welcomed and any contact through any channel would be considered harassment. I left him to draw his own conclusions about the meaning of that statement. But then, he'd never been physically violent around me.

This is a tough case. It doesn't sound like he's capable of being rational when he's in an episode. Maybe ghosting would be the safest option for Cassie, rather than initiating further contact.

[marble_faun]

Yeah, it doesn't sound like you are close enough to him to warrant involvement with his health care.

Ghosting may be your best option. If you initiate some sort of closure conversation to explain why you don't want to see him anymore, the convo could make him angry and aggressive, whereas ghosting is just a fade to black with no more contact.  It seems safer for you in this situation.

You can save full-on "confrontation mode" for if he starts harassing you or showing up at your house uninvited. 

[Villanelle]

I think if you're truly a friend you should communicate that his behavior frightened you, seemed wildly out of character, and you're worried he needs medical attention or at least therapy.  If he can't understand that and won't get himself examined, you definitely need to look out for #1 and ghost.  Even if he's got some medical/psychological issue, a break in the relationship is necessary for it to be corrected.

Someone else's utterly inappropriate, aggressive behavior does not create an obligation for me to do something that might put me in more danger. 

If the OP wants to communicate with him, that's dandy.  But if she feels fearful about doing so, he's the one who broke the social contract with his behavior.  If he did that because he's ill, that's unfortunate.  But it doesn't change the fact that she could very well be increasing the danger to herself by addressing the situation with him.

[Jtrey17]

We have had a friend for 15 years. I am female and married and am 65. My friend is male and has become part of our group. He had a girlfriend for 5 years and has unsuccessful in finding a new one. Once or twice a month he comes for dinner and brings a salad. He has a golden and I have 2 Maltese. A few years ago he made a joke if my husband was gone he was interested. I didn’t take it seriously. This week when he came in my dogs barked a lot and I took them all outside. When I came in he was making the salad and said this knife is dirty and threw it across my tiny kitchen. I asked if he needed a sharper knife and he said no. He got a really mean look on his face and told me to go into the other room and get away from him. When the timer went off for dinner he told me. Then he drank wine and fell asleep on the couch. He wanted to spend the night and I said no. My plan is to ghost him. It seems like he has gone off the crazy train.

It sounds like he may be a narcissist who’s low on supply. I think society looks the other way a lot with those who we consider grumpy old men. Tell him to leave you alone and be glad he’s out of your life, they don’t get better as they age.

[mspym]

Once again, Villanelle has articulated clearly what I have been attempting to write. It is not on Cassie that her friend broke the social contract, he is not her job to fix and she is under no obligation to stay friends with him simply because he has already driven everyone else away.

[EricL]

I think if you're truly a friend you should communicate that his behavior frightened you, seemed wildly out of character, and you're worried he needs medical attention or at least therapy.  If he can't understand that and won't get himself examined, you definitely need to look out for #1 and ghost.  Even if he's got some medical/psychological issue, a break in the relationship is necessary for it to be corrected.

Someone else's utterly inappropriate, aggressive behavior does not create an obligation for me to do something that might put me in more danger. 

If the OP wants to communicate with him, that's dandy.  But if she feels fearful about doing so, he's the one who broke the social contract with his behavior.  If he did that because he's ill, that's unfortunate.  But it doesn't change the fact that she could very well be increasing the danger to herself by addressing the situation with him.

You are correct. You don’t have an obligation to do shit and neither should the OP - if the person is not a friend.  I’m happy to tell random strangers who are rude and aggressive to fuck off or ghost on them or even kick their ass if I have to.  But I make special allowances for friends. If I’m so threatened by a friend I’ll make have someone back me up when I gently mention that, as a friend, I’m concerned about their mental health.  It might save their life.  Hell, it might save other people’s lives.

I suppose you’re not obligated to do that for a friend either.  But that leads to the question: Are you worth being friends with? 

[Villanelle]

I think if you're truly a friend you should communicate that his behavior frightened you, seemed wildly out of character, and you're worried he needs medical attention or at least therapy.  If he can't understand that and won't get himself examined, you definitely need to look out for #1 and ghost.  Even if he's got some medical/psychological issue, a break in the relationship is necessary for it to be corrected.

Someone else's utterly inappropriate, aggressive behavior does not create an obligation for me to do something that might put me in more danger. 

If the OP wants to communicate with him, that's dandy.  But if she feels fearful about doing so, he's the one who broke the social contract with his behavior.  If he did that because he's ill, that's unfortunate.  But it doesn't change the fact that she could very well be increasing the danger to herself by addressing the situation with him.

You are correct. You don’t have an obligation to do shit and neither should the OP - if the person is not a friend.  I’m happy to tell random strangers who are rude and aggressive to fuck off or ghost on them or even kick their ass if I have to.  But I make special allowances for friends. If I’m so threatened by a friend I’ll make have someone back me up when I gently mention that, as a friend, I’m concerned about their mental health.  It might save their life.  Hell, it might save other people’s lives.

I suppose you’re not obligated to do that for a friend either.  But that leads to the question: Are you worth being friends with?

Having a friend go with you is a great plan!  I assume that friend is going to stay with you 24/7 and has the skilsl to keep you safe, right?

I was stalked by an Ex.  I was deeply, deeply worried about his behavior (which included things like breaking in to the house where I lived because he knew where the spare key was, and stealing photos, and other charming behaviors).  I didn't report it to his family because I felt fairly certain it would only escalate his behavior.

If in your world that makes me not worth dating, I can live with that. 

This man hurled a knife!  HE is the one who ended the friendship, the moment that and his other creepy, inappropriate behavior happened.  That's a de facto termination of friendship, and, as far as I'm concerned, releases someone from then risking her own safety and well-being by  poking the hornet's nest that is clearly his life.  he's clearly unstable.  he's shown that.  So the risk to her well-being is not created from thin air.  HIS behavior led to that fear.  His wildly inappropriate, not friend-worthy behavior. 

[partgypsy]

I think if you're truly a friend you should communicate that his behavior frightened you, seemed wildly out of character, and you're worried he needs medical attention or at least therapy.  If he can't understand that and won't get himself examined, you definitely need to look out for #1 and ghost.  Even if he's got some medical/psychological issue, a break in the relationship is necessary for it to be corrected.

Someone else's utterly inappropriate, aggressive behavior does not create an obligation for me to do something that might put me in more danger. 

If the OP wants to communicate with him, that's dandy.  But if she feels fearful about doing so, he's the one who broke the social contract with his behavior.  If he did that because he's ill, that's unfortunate.  But it doesn't change the fact that she could very well be increasing the danger to herself by addressing the situation with him.

You are correct. You don’t have an obligation to do shit and neither should the OP - if the person is not a friend.  I’m happy to tell random strangers who are rude and aggressive to fuck off or ghost on them or even kick their ass if I have to.  But I make special allowances for friends. If I’m so threatened by a friend I’ll make have someone back me up when I gently mention that, as a friend, I’m concerned about their mental health.  It might save their life.  Hell, it might save other people’s lives.

I suppose you’re not obligated to do that for a friend either.  But that leads to the question: Are you worth being friends with?

Seriously? Some things, you lose your friend card. How he's acting is one of them. Just because he's such a jerk he's driven everyone else away, doesn't mean it's now her job as last man standing to "save" him. Especially if he's fixating on her.

The most id say, if he calls or tries to get in touch with her, the husband talks to him, explains she doesn't want to talk to him and he should get help.
And yeah I had a friend in hs, broke the friendship, and when I said we are no longer friends he said but you can't stop being my friend! We will always be friends. He ended up stalking me and other members of my family with phone calls, trespassing, and even breaking into my family's house. I'm not saying this guy will do this but always be someone's friend no matter what is bs.

[OtherJen]

I think if you're truly a friend you should communicate that his behavior frightened you, seemed wildly out of character, and you're worried he needs medical attention or at least therapy.  If he can't understand that and won't get himself examined, you definitely need to look out for #1 and ghost.  Even if he's got some medical/psychological issue, a break in the relationship is necessary for it to be corrected.

Someone else's utterly inappropriate, aggressive behavior does not create an obligation for me to do something that might put me in more danger. 

If the OP wants to communicate with him, that's dandy.  But if she feels fearful about doing so, he's the one who broke the social contract with his behavior.  If he did that because he's ill, that's unfortunate.  But it doesn't change the fact that she could very well be increasing the danger to herself by addressing the situation with him.

You are correct. You don’t have an obligation to do shit and neither should the OP - if the person is not a friend.  I’m happy to tell random strangers who are rude and aggressive to fuck off or ghost on them or even kick their ass if I have to.  But I make special allowances for friends. If I’m so threatened by a friend I’ll make have someone back me up when I gently mention that, as a friend, I’m concerned about their mental health.  It might save their life.  Hell, it might save other people’s lives.

I suppose you’re not obligated to do that for a friend either.  But that leads to the question: Are you worth being friends with?

Seriously? Some things, you lose your friend card. How he's acting is one of them. Just because he's such a jerk he's driven everyone else away, doesn't mean it's now her job as last man standing to "save" him. Especially if he's fixating on her.

The most id say, if he calls or tries to get in touch with her, the husband talks to him, explains she doesn't want to talk to him and he should get help for whatever is going on with him.

This. I can speak from personal experience: the fixation is creepy and scary, and any further contact feeds it. If her friend contacts Cassie to ask why he hasn't heard from her, a blunt, honest answer and request for no more contact is fine. But she's not being a bad friend if she doesn't make the next contact to someone who threw knives and scared her in her own home.

[RetiredAt63]

I think if you're truly a friend you should communicate that his behavior frightened you, seemed wildly out of character, and you're worried he needs medical attention or at least therapy.  If he can't understand that and won't get himself examined, you definitely need to look out for #1 and ghost.  Even if he's got some medical/psychological issue, a break in the relationship is necessary for it to be corrected.

Someone else's utterly inappropriate, aggressive behavior does not create an obligation for me to do something that might put me in more danger. 

If the OP wants to communicate with him, that's dandy.  But if she feels fearful about doing so, he's the one who broke the social contract with his behavior.  If he did that because he's ill, that's unfortunate.  But it doesn't change the fact that she could very well be increasing the danger to herself by addressing the situation with him.

You are correct. You don’t have an obligation to do shit and neither should the OP - if the person is not a friend.  I’m happy to tell random strangers who are rude and aggressive to fuck off or ghost on them or even kick their ass if I have to.  But I make special allowances for friends. If I’m so threatened by a friend I’ll make have someone back me up when I gently mention that, as a friend, I’m concerned about their mental health.  It might save their life.  Hell, it might save other people’s lives.

I suppose you’re not obligated to do that for a friend either.  But that leads to the question: Are you worth being friends with?

Eric, you are a man.  This former friend is a man.  Cassie is a woman, which means she is physically more vulnerable to this former friend.  Please notice that all the posters pointing out the dangers and suggesting ghosting him are women.  Maybe we are seeing things in this situation that you are not?  As in, he is a potential danger to her?  And he broke the social contract first.

[EricL]

I think if you're truly a friend you should communicate that his behavior frightened you, seemed wildly out of character, and you're worried he needs medical attention or at least therapy.  If he can't understand that and won't get himself examined, you definitely need to look out for #1 and ghost.  Even if he's got some medical/psychological issue, a break in the relationship is necessary for it to be corrected.

Someone else's utterly inappropriate, aggressive behavior does not create an obligation for me to do something that might put me in more danger. 

If the OP wants to communicate with him, that's dandy.  But if she feels fearful about doing so, he's the one who broke the social contract with his behavior.  If he did that because he's ill, that's unfortunate.  But it doesn't change the fact that she could very well be increasing the danger to herself by addressing the situation with him.

You are correct. You don’t have an obligation to do shit and neither should the OP - if the person is not a friend.  I’m happy to tell random strangers who are rude and aggressive to fuck off or ghost on them or even kick their ass if I have to.  But I make special allowances for friends. If I’m so threatened by a friend I’ll make have someone back me up when I gently mention that, as a friend, I’m concerned about their mental health.  It might save their life.  Hell, it might save other people’s lives.

I suppose you’re not obligated to do that for a friend either.  But that leads to the question: Are you worth being friends with?

Seriously? Some things, you lose your friend card. How he's acting is one of them. Just because he's such a jerk he's driven everyone else away, doesn't mean it's now her job as last man standing to "save" him. Especially if he's fixating on her.

The most id say, if he calls or tries to get in touch with her, the husband talks to him, explains she doesn't want to talk to him and he should get help.
And yeah I had a friend in hs, broke the friendship, and when I said we are no longer friends he said but you can't stop being my friend! We will always be friends. He ended up stalking me and other members of my family with phone calls, trespassing, and even breaking into my family's house. I'm not saying this guy will do this but always be someone's friend no matter what is bs.

Seriously.  If he's a friend it's not too much to inquire why he's acting weird and suggest he get checked.  But I'm not saying approach him while he's using a chain saw or while traveling down a dark alley for Christ sake.  I'm not even saying the OP should foot the bill for his radical surgery if he's got a tumor acting on the aggression area of his brain or wait on him hand and foot while he convalesces. 

Maybe I read too much into the relationship in the post.  Maybe he's just a turd who had one good cup of tea conversation before losing it and she just needs to scrape him off her boot. 

[mspym]

@EricL  please take this in the gentlest way possible but what you are doing here is really common in male/female dynamics. Women are expected to extend endless sympathy and care even in situations where it puts them in danger, if they are hurt as a result then they should have cut things off earlier, and when the slightest hint of a boundary is suggested or defended then the hyperbole comes out. "Are you worth being friends with" "don't approach him while he's using a chain saw" "scrape him off her boot"

You can flounce off if you like, but it's not something that is new to any woman. Not the sitch with the friend or what you are doing here.

[EricL]

I think if you're truly a friend you should communicate that his behavior frightened you, seemed wildly out of character, and you're worried he needs medical attention or at least therapy.  If he can't understand that and won't get himself examined, you definitely need to look out for #1 and ghost.  Even if he's got some medical/psychological issue, a break in the relationship is necessary for it to be corrected.

Someone else's utterly inappropriate, aggressive behavior does not create an obligation for me to do something that might put me in more danger. 

If the OP wants to communicate with him, that's dandy.  But if she feels fearful about doing so, he's the one who broke the social contract with his behavior.  If he did that because he's ill, that's unfortunate.  But it doesn't change the fact that she could very well be increasing the danger to herself by addressing the situation with him.

You are correct. You don’t have an obligation to do shit and neither should the OP - if the person is not a friend.  I’m happy to tell random strangers who are rude and aggressive to fuck off or ghost on them or even kick their ass if I have to.  But I make special allowances for friends. If I’m so threatened by a friend I’ll make have someone back me up when I gently mention that, as a friend, I’m concerned about their mental health.  It might save their life.  Hell, it might save other people’s lives.

I suppose you’re not obligated to do that for a friend either.  But that leads to the question: Are you worth being friends with?

Eric, you are a man.  This former friend is a man.  Cassie is a woman, which means she is physically more vulnerable to this former friend.  Please notice that all the posters pointing out the dangers and suggesting ghosting him are women.  Maybe we are seeing things in this situation that you are not?  As in, he is a potential danger to her?  And he broke the social contract first.

What I'm seeing is you putting out a double standard.  This is the era of the strong, independent, smart woman.  Of feminism.  Except when it comes to being an adult and being a friend.  Then women are small, frail, emotional creatures that need to be put on a pedestal one moment, protected another. 

Maybe I'm not seeing something.  Maybe he collects hockey masks and machetes for a hobby.  Or that he's not really a friend but an acquaintance she calls a friend because she likes his dog better.  In either case it's just not worth it to stick around and she should just ghost.  But she asked and she called him a friend.  So I fell back on what I'd do for a friend not as a man but as an adult and as a person who values friends.  Again, there are ways to do this without the OP sticking her head in the lion's mouth.  Nor is she obligated to "cure" him or, as I pointed out, even hang around while he cures himself. 

[ender]

 

What I'm seeing is you putting out a double standard.  This is the era of the strong, independent, smart woman.  Of feminism.  Except when it comes to being an adult and being a friend.  Then women are small, frail, emotional creatures that need to be put on a pedestal one moment, protected another. 

Maybe I'm not seeing something.  Maybe he collects hockey masks and machetes for a hobby.  Or that he's not really a friend but an acquaintance she calls a friend because she likes his dog better.  In either case it's just not worth it to stick around and she should just ghost.  But she asked and she called him a friend.  So I fell back on what I'd do for a friend not as a man but as an adult and as a person who values friends.  Again, there are ways to do this without the OP sticking her head in the lion's mouth.  Nor is she obligated to "cure" him or, as I pointed out, even hang around while he cures himself. 

Oh please. It's not a double standard in the slightest bit that someone should not choose to put themselves in unsafe situations.

Let me put it this way. A friend of yours for 10 years shows up at your house with a gun a threatens your family and tells you that they want to murder your entire family. Do you invite them over in a week for coffee and tell them they need help? Do you continue that relationship if that friend continues to talk about wanting to kill your family?

Casie has literally worked in the field of human services and she herself (who knows a ton more context than you as an internet warrior do) said this is not a safe situation. I can't believe you have the gall to imply that her and others prioritizing actual her safety somehow makes women "small, frail, emotional creatures."

[Cassie]

I really appreciate all the supportive posts.  I don’t really think men can appreciate how vulnerable it is to be a woman. I have always went above and beyond for people.  However, for some reason he is fixated on me and I am scared.  My mom said if you ignore your intuition you will be sorry. I am trying to listen.

[EricL]

 

What I'm seeing is you putting out a double standard.  This is the era of the strong, independent, smart woman.  Of feminism.  Except when it comes to being an adult and being a friend.  Then women are small, frail, emotional creatures that need to be put on a pedestal one moment, protected another. 

Maybe I'm not seeing something.  Maybe he collects hockey masks and machetes for a hobby.  Or that he's not really a friend but an acquaintance she calls a friend because she likes his dog better.  In either case it's just not worth it to stick around and she should just ghost.  But she asked and she called him a friend.  So I fell back on what I'd do for a friend not as a man but as an adult and as a person who values friends.  Again, there are ways to do this without the OP sticking her head in the lion's mouth.  Nor is she obligated to "cure" him or, as I pointed out, even hang around while he cures himself. 

Oh please. It's not a double standard in the slightest bit that someone should not choose to put themselves in unsafe situations.

Let me put it this way. A friend of yours for 10 years shows up at your house with a gun a threatens your family and tells you that they want to murder your entire family. Do you invite them over in a week for coffee and tell them they need help? Do you continue that relationship if that friend continues to talk about wanting to kill your family?

Casie has literally worked in the field of human services and she herself (who knows a ton more context than you as an internet warrior do) said this is not a safe situation. I can't believe you have the gall to imply that her and others prioritizing actual her safety somehow makes women "small, frail, emotional creatures."

The OP asked, so I assumed she didn't know. 

What I wrote: This person may be physically and/or mentally ill.  The OP, as a friend, should gently point out to him that he's acting out of character and recommend he seek medical attention.  If necessary in controlled circumstances safe for the both of them.  Hopefully he will take her advice.  Even if he does, she should step back and let that treatment take its course before resuming social relations.  And if he refuses to she should distance herself from him  for good for her own well being.

What people think I wrote (and I honestly don't know why): The OP should confront the friend alone while he's cleaning his shotgun and forcefully accuse him of being a jerk and tell him he should see a shrink because he's obviously crazy and freaks her out.  Then she should sweeten the deal by handing him a check for her life's savings to pay for whatever medical treatment he needs and offer to marry him and take care of him like a baby.