Okay, this response is based on my personal experience. I'm going to tell you a bit about my life, and maybe there will be something useful for you. I hope so, because I am not in any way telling you what you should do, mkay? I've never really talked about this before, so sorry if I'm all over the place as I climb out on this limb to share.
I was single for a very long time. I dated a lot of mental (that's a funny autofill for "men", so stet), because I always wanted to get married and have a family. I sold men's clothes at Nordstrom in two different large cities for a decade, so yes, a LOT. I literally got to meet a new batch of potential mates every day. Crazy.
I was also hurt excruciatingly deeply when the man I adored and dated for four years, including while I had cancer, chose to go back to his high school sweetheart during a lull in our relationship. Searing pain that I can bring up in an instant, thirty years later. To his credit, he did marry her and they're still together, AFAIK.
I have also had relationships end when it became apparent that there was cheating going on. I have always been a monogamous type; it's the only thing that feels comfortable to me. Trying to date multiple people was just too emotionally confusing.
There were a few relationships where I felt considerably more insecure and jealous. These feelings suck, but may provide a useful purpose. During my dating years decades, I always knew I wanted to feel a certain way when I married. I was positive I'd know it when I felt it. But over and over, nothing stuck. I did get close. At one point, I even had a ring and a date and a dress, but I called it quits when he lost his shit over something inconsequential.
When I finally met my mate, I was long in the tooth and well past the possibility of children. I was amazed that I DID know in my gut that my search was finally over. We dated for a couple of months. He shocked me by proposing and we eloped less than six weeks later. Last week was our fifth anniversary. (I will add that I'd known him from a distance for over a decade, so not as scary as that sounds. I knew he was a good person and solid gold mate material.)
He is completely trustworthy. I am secure in his love and steadfast faith in me and I in him. It's as amazing as I always, intuitively, knew it would be. I believe all those times I suffered through insecurity and jealousy, it was my gut instinctively understanding that the person in question was not The One, for whatever reason, no matter how "right" they seemed.
Now, I am so glad those evil twins kept me from ignoring my screaming subconscious, painful as it was to experience, and much as I hated myself for having these feelings/behavior.
In conclusion, may I gently suggest you consider listening to these feelings instead of berating yourself for feeling them? They could be trying to tell you something really important.
Edited for fractured syntax.