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Jealousy and insecurity

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norabird:
Starting this conversation because, well, I can be pretty jealous and insecure in my relationship and while I try my best to handle the anxiety being jealous/insecure sometimes involves, I don't always do it perfectly, and I'm looking to figure out how totally out of line or unusual those struggles are. Things like resenting social engagements that I wasn't aware of or don't involve me, struggling with opposite gender friends, that sort of stuff. I pretty much never say "you can't do this" or actually try to be controlling, but the feeling of resenting other friends or activities or being jealous of other interests/aspects to a person's life is still kind of terrible, on both sides.

It's mostly better now compared to how it was early in the relationship--I was coming off some serious betrayal and had major trust issues/some trauma). Anytime the monogamish question comes up I can go pretty haywire again, though; I often am the one raising it, FWIW, because I feel like I should be able to discuss it.

So, what are the appropriate ways to control one's feelings while still trying to express them but not using them as manipulation? How to handle knowing you are one part of a partner's life, but that other parts are important (sometimes equally or even more so) too? I know that's what is healthy, but it still is hard for me to cope with sometimes! And that's even though I'm treated very well, don't have cause to feel neglected, get special attention, etc. I can't always tell if this is my personality, or if it's the aftereffect of having been majorly lied to by a previous BF, or some mix of the two.

Does this impact your relationship or has it in the past and what are your ground rules for yourself and your partner?

human:
What exactly is going on? Is your current relationship in date mode where your partner feels like they are free to see other people? If so I think you have the right to ask for a monogomous relationship but if the answer you get isn't what you want do something, break up if it's not what you want.

I've been in the stituation where I've been infatuated with someone I was dating and they didn't to be exclusive, in the end I scared them off.  Its hard to be in a seren state of mind  when someone  you are head over heels for is dating other people. However when I'm with someone the jealousy and uncertainty practically disappears.

If this is supposed to be a committed relationship and you have feelings of mistrust and jealousy you may want to get counselling. If it's a new relątionship that is not yet settled just chill the fuck out  (because freaking out never helped me).

norabird:
It's three years old but chilling out is always good. I think I probably set up my question wrong--am just wondering, do other people struggle with resenting or being jealous of partners? How does that get dealt with? But counseling is always A+


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Kris:

--- Quote from: norabird on October 11, 2017, 04:36:44 PM ---It's three years old but chilling out is always good. I think I probably set up my question wrong--am just wondering, do other people struggle with resenting or being jealous of partners? How does that get dealt with? But counseling is always A+


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--- End quote ---

There is a difference between feeling jealous or insecure when one's partner gives one cause to feel that way, and feeling jealous or insecure despite one's partner giving them no reason to feel that way. It's hard to answer this question without knowing which camp this relationship falls into.

2Cent:
The best test for whether the other activities are bad or not is whether your partner feels the need to cover it up. Also it is not good if he is sharing personal stuff with another woman that he is not sharing with you, which is basically forming a new close relationship. It is never good to suppress your feelings, so you should anyway talk about it. Don't tell it in an accusing way, but just tell what you are feeling. If you say you feel insecure and are scared because of this past hurt, it is not manipulation. It is just being open about how you feel.

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