Is it terrible to not go to this wedding?

[windawake]

My college roommate from freshman year is getting married this weekend. I RSVP'd yes. At the time, I had a car. Since then, it broke down and I sold it. The wedding is 3.5 hours away and the main lodging is camping. I have no car and no camp gear. My friend made a Facebook group for the camping portion and even though 20+ people are driving out from my city to the site, I haven't had any luck finding a ride.

I want to go, I'd be sad to miss it, but I just cannot stomach renting a car and camping gear and driving 7 hours round trip by myself. Am I terrible to not go? She's a pretty good friend but we really only see each other every other month.

[CommonCents]

It really really sucks to pay for people for a wedding and have them bail last minute.  Your friend will probably understand, but it's not guaranteed that doesn't negate the "ouch" part of paying for food. 

It sounds like the timeline is:
RSVP --> Car broke down --> Car sold --> Looked for ride --> 3 days before wedding you want to cancel

I think the time to have reached out to your friend and said you can't go was somewhere between the car breaking down and when you decided to sell it, as you knew then that you would have an issue getting to the wedding.  Now, you're past the point she had to buy food (if self-catering) or tell the caterer a head count.  You already knew about the camping expenses when you RSVPd, so that shouldn't have been a surprise.  If you can't go, you can't go, but it seems like a mix of poor planning and bad luck. 

I'm sorry to seem harsh here and say suck it up and go rather than the "that's ok" you wanted to hear, but I had three people cancel at my wedding, 2 a few days before and 1 at the wedding itself, and it was really frustrating having to politely tell people "it's ok".

I recently paid a $200x2 change flight fee to attend a high school friend's wedding in San Diego.  (They sent the invites out late, a week after we had booked flights for another wedding that same week in the Domenican Republic.)  My husband told me in 10 years I'd remember missing the wedding rather than the $400 (plus hotel, plane flight, gift...).  So we sucked it up, I paid my first ever change flight fee and we took a redeye (I'm too old for that now!) to make it from wedding 1 to wedding 2.  Which will you remember?  The $60 for a 2-day car rental (try hotwire or priceline - I've paid as low as $15/20 day) or missing the wedding?  Also, ask around - I bet you have friends with camping gear.  I have tons of friends with tents to sleeping bags I could borrow.

[J Boogie]

I live in St. Paul and while I'll need my vehicle this weekend, you can definitely borrow my cot.  I've used it once and it's way better than an air mattress. 

If you truly enjoy her company and the company of the people attending, you should find a way.  Mustachianism exists for enjoying the worthwhile things in life. 

[windawake]

I guess I should've clarified that my friend has been well aware of my situation and has been trying to find someone with whom I can ride out there. I let her know my current predicament so she's aware that I may not make it. I didn't cancel sooner because I assumed someone would respond to my pleas for a carpool. I first was asking around almost two months ago and even with repeated inquiries I've had no luck.

While I care about my friend, I'm probably not going to go, because I really don't want to spend $150+ on gas and car rental plus 7 hours driving alone to go to a wedding where I barely know anyone. If I knew other people going to the wedding I'd probably make more of an effort. I guess I was just looking for sympathy.

[CommonCents]

I guess I should've clarified that my friend has been well aware of my situation and has been trying to find someone with whom I can ride out there. I let her know my current predicament so she's aware that I may not make it. I didn't cancel sooner because I assumed someone would respond to my pleas for a carpool. I first was asking around almost two months ago and even with repeated inquiries I've had no luck.

While I care about my friend, I'm probably not going to go, because I really don't want to spend $150+ on gas and car rental plus 7 hours driving alone to go to a wedding where I barely know anyone. If I knew other people going to the wedding I'd probably make more of an effort. I guess I was just looking for sympathy.

Ok, I get that.  Next time, I'd suggest posting it as a vent, rather than a question (if you don't want the answer).

I still say though that you knew almost of this going in - certainly the gas, camping cost, and people.  The only change I can see is the car rental.  I just looked it up on hotwire, and for $15/day ($26.01 after taxes/fees for a one day rental which is plenty time to attend wedding, stay one night and return) you can get a car in Minneapolis.

I can't help but think there's something you're not telling us for why $26 would make such a difference.

(And I still think that the time to cancel would have been about 2 weeks ago, before a caterer headcount was due, and after you had unsuccessful sought a carpool for 6 weeks.)

[fallstoclimb]

So, I say this as an introvert whose worst nightmare is the thought of spending a whole weekend stuck at a campground with a lot of people I don't know:  yes, you should go.

If the issue is camping with people you don't know, I TOTALLY empathize, but you presumably already worked through that when you RSVP'ed yes, correct? 

This is the WEDDING of someone you say is a close friend, who it sounds like did their best to put together a frugal wedding (camping rather than hotels, localish rather than requiring air travel).  Plus, I think I remember you have no debt and are saving a high percentage of your income, yes?  If you had hair-on-fire debt that would be one thing. 

But if I were in your shoes, I would invest in the friendship or be prepared to say goodbye to the friend.  If you don't really care about the friend, then totally fine, but be aware that is the choice you are making right now! 

Like honestly I'm not even a wedding person and was super low-key about mine but if I had a friend with a good job who had said 3 days before they couldn't find a ride to my wedding I would've been pretty pissed.  Surely you can take a bus or something to get close and then Uber or get picked up or something to make it the rest of the way?

[soccerluvof4]

^+1 to that and Commoncents.....

Seems like 26$ or 100$ is worth a Friendship that you see every other month. I agree seems more to it than your telling us.  So much I agree with last two posts..

[Aphalite]

I guess I should've clarified that my friend has been well aware of my situation and has been trying to find someone with whom I can ride out there. I let her know my current predicament so she's aware that I may not make it. I didn't cancel sooner because I assumed someone would respond to my pleas for a carpool. I first was asking around almost two months ago and even with repeated inquiries I've had no luck.

While I care about my friend, I'm probably not going to go, because I really don't want to spend $150+ on gas and car rental plus 7 hours driving alone to go to a wedding where I barely know anyone. If I knew other people going to the wedding I'd probably make more of an effort. I guess I was just looking for sympathy.

Ok, I get that.  Next time, I'd suggest posting it as a vent, rather than a question (if you don't want the answer).

I still say though that you knew almost of this going in - certainly the gas, camping cost, and people.  The only change I can see is the car rental.  I just looked it up on hotwire, and for $15/day ($26.01 after taxes/fees for a one day rental which is plenty time to attend wedding, stay one night and return) you can get a car in Minneapolis.

I can't help but think there's something you're not telling us for why $26 would make such a difference.

(And I still think that the time to cancel would have been about 2 weeks ago, before a caterer headcount was due, and after you had unsuccessful sought a carpool for 6 weeks.)

My opinion differs from that of CommonCents - from the sounds of it, if the main lodging option is camping, they might not really be spending much on catering - is the dining option self provided? Overall - the headcount can go up or down depending on if people decide to bring extras (e.g. kids when you request that no kids are brought and specify the number you are actually inviting) - They've already committed to paying for a number of people and if there's catering it would only be settled if the headcount went over. I wouldn't feel bad about it, you already tried your best.

[theonethatgotaway]

I'm of a completely different opinion.

You rsvp'd and things changed. A dinner is a small small part of a total cost of a big wedding. That's not what should make your decision. You will still be friends if you don't go, if not then you weren't really friends to begin with.

I've missed many weddings and I've gone to many weddings. It's not a big deal to not go to a party. I've never had any problems with any friends over it either.

Also, none of my roommates came to my wedding, but 200 other people did. She will be fine (and busy). You will be fine.

[Ynari]

I don't see why going to a wedding is being considered the only way to show your friend you respect the friendship. (All the weddings I've been to seem to be for the benefit of extended family, not for friends or even the couple themselves.) I think it's perfectly reasonable not to attend the wedding.

Your friend has been aware of the issue for some time. Even if the car thing isn't that big a deal (that I doubt will only cost $26), it might be the "last straw" in a big pile of things that make it hard to attend. It doesn't sound like your RSVP will disrupt the plans of the wedding too much. Maybe send a gift with your regrets and invite them to dinner when they're in town if you feel bad.

I guess in the end it depends on you and your friend. If I had a friend that wanted to end the friendship because I had to cancel an RSVP last minute, well, that's their choice.

[windawake]

The problem with any of the cheap car rental places is that they require a car to get to. Any of the places that are accessible by bus or bike are much more expensive and are closed on Sundays, necessitating at least an extra day of rental and probably two due to the holiday.

Barring cost, the main hindrance is driving all that way by myself. I had initially requested Friday off of work, in which case I would be able to carpool with someone. However, I just found a new job and in order to get health insurance through them for September, my first day has to be on Friday. This is the other factor that's making this difficult.

I just hate the idea of spending the money, driving that way, and potentially not enjoying myself just out of social protocol. It would require such a large amount of time and this will be the weekend right before I defend my master's thesis. My friend will be very occupied, I'm sure. Weddings aren't really for the purpose of spending time with the bride/groom. Yes, maybe I should've considered this beforehand but I really thought I'd be able to find a ride to alleviate some of the cost/pain of the drive. What I really should've done is request a +1, so I wouldn't be all by myself. Ugh.

[CommonCents]

I promise I'll won't keep harping on the same points, but I just wanted to clarify since I think some of what I said was misconstrued:

What changed?  You already knew about gas, camping, people.  The only thing that changed was a car rental ($26).  To clarify another poster's comment above, yes, the car will cost more (gas/tolls) than $26, however she was already planning on paying for those things when she RSVP'd.  The car rental is the only new cost between her RSVP and now.

You made a commitment to go.  Things changed 2 months ago and it's only at the last minute now you're backing out.  Others may disagree, but I think this is most definitely rude and discourteous to your friend - EVEN IF she has a lot of other people attending (which hasn't actually been said.  She could equally be having a 50 person wedding).  While I agree the bride shouldn't end a friendship over it, that does not make it right to do.

Going is not the only way to show she respects the friendship - she could have RSVP no and that would have been fine too.  But, once she did RSVP, I find it rude to back out absent something big happening, such as you or a family member got sick.  (We may ultimately disagree on what is "big".  Clearly I hold to a bit higher standards.)

ETA: I see your new post, and now more is coming out about what's really behind this than OP initially was willing to post, such as the new job and the master thesis.  I do think that you should have considered a lot of things you evidently didn't, but I am now at least understanding more what's really behind this.

[tariskat]

So, the other weekend I had to get to a wedding ~200 miles away with no wheels myself (BF was coming a few days later) so I took a Greyhound most of the way and someone picked me up in town.  The bus was surprisingly awesome, and had wifi.  You might Greyhound it most of the way and rent a car from a few cities closer (if the bus can't get you all the way) if no one can pick you up from that city.  Which, since there's camping, there is bound to be someone making a beer run at some point that can swing by and pick you up.

In your shoes I might seriously consider a weekend of partying, seeing your friend, making new friends, a great way to refresh before defending. 

[Argyle]

Yes, I think you should go.  It's not an expense like $3000.  It's actually the kind of expense we'd all like to have for going to weddings!  And canceling this late sucks.  Show up for her.  And I know you're having a little bit of trepidation, but it may actually be enoyable as well. 

[JoyBlogette]

Sounds like you've already made up your mind not to go so I'm not sure if there's any point in further comment, but I agree with other posters that you should go and honour your commitment.

[Spartana]

I'm in a similar situation to the OP. RSVPed awhile ago to a good friend's wedding in Mid Sept but now am/will be on a road trip and probably won't be back in time (don't plan to return until Oct). This is her 3rd wedding (YIKES!) and his 2nd and they have been living together a long time (does that make it less important? No but I've been to her other 2 weddings - was Maid of Honor at the first when she was 18 - so I have supported her in the past).  So do I break my totally selfish plans to travel to go to her wedding (travelling with my dog so can't fly back) or just bail on the wedding (sending a nice and expensive gift card to ease the blow :-)!). Don't know... There are going to be approx. 100 people at a country club-type wedding (adults only) so will be fairly sizable and I probably won't be missed. Have to decide like...yesterday to give her some notice.

As for the OP, I think I'd go ahead and rent a car and go if you really want to go. Yes it's a long drive but it sounds like an interesting wedding (outdoors and camping!). If you don't want to camp maybe you can find a budget motel nearby to stay at and see if anyone else wants to share.  If you really don't want to go or it will end up being way to expensive then I think it's OK to bail with some notice. Of course I might just be saying that to assuage my own guilt :-)!

[Charlie]

This is a total longshot, as I have no idea where this wedding is, or when you need to get there and back, but what the hey: I'm driving with a group from Minneapolis to Lutsen for a wedding this weekend. If your wedding is along the way, it may be possible for you to hitch a ride with us and get dropped off where you need to go. Let me know if that's something that may help you.

[lcg377]

I also want to add, that for every event I've dreaded going to (b/c I'm an introvert), I always have a good time once I'm there.  There are always a bunch of excuses NOT to go, but when I push myself and do it, I've never regretted going.

[windawake]

Hey all,

I had plenty of time to think about this today as I spent a fair amount of the day making her gift. I realized I won't enjoy doing anything else this weekend since I'll be wracked with the guilt of not going. So I'm going. I figured the car thing out and told the bride. She seemed very happy.

I also downloaded a free audiobook. Hopefully the drive isn't as terrible as I anticipate.

[windawake]

Also, thanks everyone who gave input or offered to help in one way or another. It was much appreciated.

[windypig]

There may be a handsome mustached fellow there.

[gimp]

7 hour round trip? Pah! That's child's play, that's less than a tank each way.

Here's the key to long drives: relax. This isn't bumper to bumper rush hour traffic. This is... windows open, music up, hair whipping in the wind, gigantic smile on your face stuff. Nearly empty highways, constant speeds, easy peasy. If you treat it like your commute, you're going to be stressed. Don't be stressed!

Oh, and make sure your seat is comfortable. Not too far back, because then you're just sitting forwards to compensate. Once I got my seat adjusted right, I went from having a stiff neck at hour 13 to not having a stiff neck at all, ever, even after my longest drives. (If I can do 21 nonstop, you can do 7 round trip!)

[MsSindy]

Have fun!  ....and let us know how it all turned out.

As an introvert myself, I really dread going to big parties where I know only the host/hostess.  Just try to smile and look approachable...someone is bound to chat you up!  Or look for the other lonely person in the room and introduce yourself....you'll be a lifesaver to them.

[Cressida]

Windawake, I definitely understand your situation. Sometimes your brain really resists something that you know you *should* do. It's especially common among introverts (you might not be an introvert, but your comments about not knowing anyone at the wedding made me think of it). I think you're brave to set that aside and suck up a circumstance that part of you was not looking forward to.

[Moonwaves]

Seems like you've resolved your question already but I would just add, if you think a 3.5 hour trip on your own will be boring or annoying, believe me that a 3.5 hour carpool with people you don't know well can be excrutiating. Can be great fun but I've done it a few times (including picking someone up from the airport once that I had never met before and driving him the nearly five hours to get to a wedding - I found that incredibly difficult, let's just say the conversation didn't exactly flow and he had awful taste in music!) and I think I'd prefer to go solo every time. Pick a great selection of music, take your time, pack a picnic and stop along the way, and who knows, maybe you'll meet some nice people at the wedding and, if you really haven't enjoyed the drive there, be able to offer someone a lift back.

[windawake]

Other good news: last night I was telling a friend about this trip and it turns out he's going to Chicago tomorrow night and can drop me at the wedding on the way. I already found a ride back too. Feeling pretty great!

[tj]

Good that you found a ride - I was going to say that I'm surprised the rental car companies don't offer a courtesy pick up. That is pretty standard around here.

[Dicey]

Barring cost, the main hindrance is driving all that way by myself. I had initially requested Friday off of work, in which case I would be able to carpool with someone. However, I just found a new job and in order to get health insurance through them for September, my first day has to be on Friday.

I just hate the idea of spending the money, driving that way, and potentially not enjoying myself just out of social protocol. It would require such a large amount of time and this will be the weekend right before I defend my master's thesis. My friend will be very occupied, I'm sure. Weddings aren't really for the purpose of spending time with the bride/groom. Yes, maybe I should've considered this beforehand but I really thought I'd be able to find a ride to alleviate some of the cost/pain of the drive. What I really should've done is request a +1, so I wouldn't be all by myself. Ugh.

Wow! There's a lot more here than your initial post indicated. When I was in college, I'd always ask myself which action would be more important ten years from now. Working Friday is obviously brilliant, so good decision there. Saying yes to a wedding involving travel right before defending your thesis is questionable.
Expecting the bride and groom to entertain you is really a puzzle. One attends a wedding to show support for the new couple. Yup, to cheer for them in their new life, not the other way around. Making sure you enjoy yourself is your job your whole life long. Stepping out of your comfort zone to support your friends is the mature thing to do.
By now, I expect the wedding's over. I hope you went, and had a good time. There are important are lessons to be learned from this experience which could easily impact your life ten years (and more) from now. And good luck with the thesis.

[windawake]

Thanks all for your input. I ended up having a pretty fantastic time at the wedding. Especially the camping part. I hardly saw the bride and groom, as expected, but I knew many more people than I realized I'd know. I didn't know anyone well, but everyone was very friendly. It was great to catch up with a friend from high school who I hadn't seen in years and I got a ride back with some newish friends who live in my same city. Overall, going was clearly the right decision.