How to tell if ex is still interested??

[arebelspy]

Totally proposed FWB yesterday during a phone conversation. She actually seemed interested. #bargaining

Uh, duh?

That's what she has now, after the breakup.  No obligation, just interaction when she needs and wants it.

She's not interested anymore, and will move on when there's no benefits.  So she'll take what benefits she can get, for now, until she's ready to move on.

In the meantime, you stay emotionally attached, hopeful, and this drawn out stuff only will make it worse, and harder on you in the end.

Why are you bargaining for what you can get?  It's just about the worst course of action.

I'm waiting for the post a few weeks from now with the "begging" hashtag.

Sever the connection.

[zoltani]

I agree with the last two posts.

The only thing you should be bargaining at this point is when she is coming to your place to pick up her stuff and give you your key.

[Metric Mouse]

I agree with the last two posts.

The only thing you should be bargaining at this point is when she is coming to your place to pick up her stuff and give you your key.

And when you agree on a date... for all that is holy don't call it a 'date'.  It would send the wrong message.

[nexus]

:D

These have all been really great, funny, brutally honest & that is something that I appreciate fellow Mustachians! Thank you for the support & face punches.

Here is my plan:
From now until our trip, taper off communication & contact. I won't make myself available. Keep in mind this is a team trip to nationals. I will still see her at practices between now and then. We were the top team out of 150+ teams in our region and this is pretty much a once in a lifetime experience. I don't want to create drama around my teammates or have them taking sides, asking questions, or using it as an excuse to not play us in matches, etc.. After nationals, the season is over and we won't have reason to see each other anymore. It's been a dream of mine to go and I'm not going to let anyone ruin the experience.

Literally the day after I come back from nationals (11/14), tell her...
1. I need space and time to get over her
2. Ask her to come get her things out of the apartment (if she hasn't done so on her own prior to that).
3. Give me back my key/leave it behind when she gets her stuff
   3a. She hasn't used it since the breakup or showed up randomly
4. Friendship/'whatever this is' = effectively over
   4a. (bash me for this) Add clause about "if you decide you made a mistake, let me know"
5. Change social media status to single. Don't care if people talk. I don't owe them an explanation.
6. For the rest of the year, just keep working on myself. My contract for my job is up Jan 20th, 2017. Near that time I'll reach out to my recruiter and see if there are any local opportunities. If not, relocate and make it an even cleaner break.

I'll probably post an update in my journal next month about it.

Believe me, it isn't hard for me to find partners. Last time I was single, my buddies joked that I "Get more ass than a toilet seat." I guess there are worse outcomes than that ;p

[arebelspy]

Good luck!

[patchyfacialhair]

I'm glad that helped. But don't forget: "You are grieving, one of the stages of grief is Bargaining." So be kind to yourself and know that processing this loss is going to take time.

Totally proposed FWB yesterday during a phone conversation. She actually seemed interested. #bargaining

The thing that blows my mind is that this person has a masters in marriage and family therapy... how do you do this kind of stuff, then not apply it in your own life?? rant over.

The same way financial advisors go broke. Dude just find another girl to be fwb I mean you said you're athletic just start flirting and someone will touch it.

[MandyM]

   4a. (bash me for this) Add clause about "if you decide you made a mistake, let me know"

I vote no on this. I would say something along the lines of "I still care about you, but we need to make a clean break and both move on."

[Cannot Wait!]

Maybe she is also waiting for the trip to be over, cause how awkward would that be otherwise?
Relationships aren't black or white; it's hard to let go.  Murkyness happens because you do still care for each other.  I think the key thing is that she consistently says it's over. Take her word on it for that.  The rest is just that she'd still like to be friends, sex is easy,  habits/patterns are hard to break, etc.

[accolay]

Cold turkey dude. She's just not that into you. Do these, in this order sooner than later. Don't wait. Don't prolong the pain. Just get it over with.

1. Box up her stuff. Text her to get it and leave the key. Get any of your stuff back too. Maybe get your stuff back first...
2. Don't be rude, but severely limit any texts: short and sweet at first then nothing. There is nothing there for you anymore. No phone calls, no emails. She'll figure it out. You (she?) already broke it off anyway.
3. Rebound, rebound, rebound. "Best way to get over one is to get under another."

Good luck.

[DeepEllumStache]

I completely understand not wanting to introduce drama into an upcoming team event but after 11/14, don't leave that door open. A Scorched Earth policy has always been my go to. Inform you friends, unfriend her on social media, delete all your couples pics off social media/untag yourself from hers, do the stuff trade, close the door.

I've been in the situation where I told someone that a true romantic relationship was not an option. The guy accepted a FWB situation but I found out later that he was holding out hope for a real relationship. So basically he wasted time on me that he could have spent finding someone better for him.

There is no future. She has told you where she stands. Even if she does come back, it will be temporary and she will leave again. You leaving the door open means that you'll partially leave your heart open with that weird hope that she'll magically come to her senses and want you. It will hurt a lot worse once she gets into a new relationship. Take your time to get over her and then move on. Don't drag it out.

[nexus]

Luckily she doesn't have anything of mine. Maybe like two hoodies, but she can keep them since they're a little small for me anyway. Wait, no, there's one hoodie that I have to keep. Gotta get that back.

I did an inventory of her stuff at my apartment this morning.
Kitchen - nothing
Living room - a pillow, a certificate, awesome photo collage we're going to have to divvy up, some vases
Bedroom - Small amount of clothes
Bathroom - soaps/shampoos, contacts, deodorant, hair clips, razor

This is the second time she's slammed on the brakes. The first time she friend zoned me after we just started dating. The only difference between then and now is I am a lot more invested in her. Up until yesterday, I haven't been able to cut off communication like I did last time. Last time she came back on her own. I'd be lying to myself if I thought it was going to happen again.

As other posters have said...
'she unilaterally renegotiated the terms of the relationship and took all the power'

'Rebound, rebound, rebound'

'Don't drag it out.'

& yes, I think we're on the same page about it being super awkward prior to the trip.

[englishteacheralex]

Luckily she doesn't have anything of mine. Maybe like two hoodies, but she can keep them since they're a little small for me anyway. Wait, no, there's one hoodie that I have to keep. Gotta get that back.

I did an inventory of her stuff at my apartment this morning.
Kitchen - nothing
Living room - a pillow, a certificate, awesome photo collage we're going to have to divvy up, some vases
Bedroom - Small amount of clothes
Bathroom - soaps/shampoos, contacts, deodorant, hair clips, razor

This is the second time she's slammed on the brakes. The first time she friend zoned me after we just started dating. The only difference between then and now is I am a lot more invested in her. Up until yesterday, I haven't been able to cut off communication like I did last time. Last time she came back on her own. I'd be lying to myself if I thought it was going to happen again.

As other posters have said...
'she unilaterally renegotiated the terms of the relationship and took all the power'

'Rebound, rebound, rebound'

'Don't drag it out.'

& yes, I think we're on the same page about it being super awkward prior to the trip.

Just my two cents; I would avoid rebounding and see if you can just stand on your own two feet and be single for a while. The best way to get over someone is actually to build a strong social network of support among healthy people and work on becoming ok with yourself to the point where you would find it a lot easier to walk away from someone treating you poorly.

"Rebound! Best way to get over someone is to get under someone!" is funny advice and sort of works in the short term but it also could be seen as kind of reckless and "hair of the dog" machismo. Maybe step away from dating and figure out why you are susceptible to women sucking you into drama? Healthy people tend to attract other healthy people.

[rockstache]

   4a. (bash me for this) Add clause about "if you decide you made a mistake, let me know"

I vote no on this. I would say something along the lines of "I still care about you, but we need to make a clean break and both move on."

+1 to this. She already knows she can call you if her feelings change. Putting it out there again looks needy.

[accolay]

"Rebound! Best way to get over someone is to get under someone!" is funny advice and sort of works in the short term but it also could be seen as kind of reckless and "hair of the dog" machismo. Maybe step away from dating and figure out why you are susceptible to women sucking you into drama? Healthy people tend to attract other healthy people.

We're not talking about dating here. Just absolute short term to ease the pain. Who said it was healthy? Only cathartic.

[Sibley]

OP here,

Thanks for posting the article. I read it. Thank goodness I don't have a Bob to deal with, but I understand the similarities.

"IF he’s [she's] made a mistake and wants you to stay after all, let him [her] do the work of realizing that and telling you that."

"- Take Bob[ette] at his [her] word and let the breakup happen.
- Take care of yourself."

I need to let this happen.

I find that I refer people to 3 different blogs:

If it's money, MMM.
If it's work, Ask A Manager.
If it's people/relationships/social stuff, Captain Awkward.

[Metric Mouse]

"Rebound! Best way to get over someone is to get under someone!" is funny advice and sort of works in the short term but it also could be seen as kind of reckless and "hair of the dog" machismo. Maybe step away from dating and figure out why you are susceptible to women sucking you into drama? Healthy people tend to attract other healthy people.

We're not talking about dating here. Just absolute short term to ease the pain. Who said it was healthy? Only cathartic.

Classy!  Love it.

[Cpa Cat]

Her placeholder who's good enough for now but who will be tossed aside the second someone more interesting comes along. You've been relegated to her sexual and emotional B-list, and it's seeming OK simply because her A-list is either empty or not showing up at the moment.

The moment she finds someone new, you're done. No more pumpkin painting.

If I were you, I'd look into what it'll cost to not share a room with her. Do you really think you'll be sharing that room if she meets a guy she likes in the next three weeks? Noo-ope.

[arebelspy]

I don't get why there would be any drama if you made it clear now it was over.

Give her her stuff, get the key, tell her you're glad you two are still friends.

I mean, she's clear you've broken up.  That's the status.  You guys are friends.  You clarifying that you're happy with that status, and here's her stuff doesn't have to add any drama to your upcoming trip.

Your putting it off after the trip doesn't seem to gain anything except giving you an excuse to put it off and hold on to hope a little longer.

[Metric Mouse]

The moment she finds someone new, you're done. No more pumpkin painting.

At first I thought this was a euphanism; then I recalled the post. I think I'm totally going to work 'pumpkin painting' into my life as a double-entendre.  Thank you. :D

[Cannot Wait!]

+1
haha, me too!