Author Topic: How to tell if ex is still interested??  (Read 11730 times)

nexus

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 825
  • Age: 33
How to tell if ex is still interested??
« on: October 17, 2016, 03:10:15 PM »
It pains me to write this, but I don't know if I'm overanalyzing this or if my previous SO (who I'm willing to tie the knot with) has commitment issues, just wants to be friends, or is still interested. Looking for insight/advice/etc.

I've been keeping a log of our daily interactions since she broke it off. We got along pretty well, she is fairly frugal, and we have a lot of common interests. Overall it was a good relationship as far as I could tell.

So I'm going to list out some things I'm perceiving as mixed signals and would like your opinions/insights/advice. My goal is to get back together with her because I think she's worth it.

Here's a few reasons why she supposedly called it off.
-Spark is gone
-We think too differently/see the world differently
-I'm not decisive enough
-She's optimistic. I tend to be more pessimistic/realistic.
   >I fully acknowledge her optimism has led to a lot of great things

Things I have control over: being more decisive & being more optimistic rather than thinking the worst. I acknowledged these and have been making a conscious effort to work on them.

Here's the list of mixed signals since breakup almost 3 weeks ago.
>Continue to talk/text
>Continue to see each other fairly consistently
>1 week after breakup we *ehm*... two nights in a row.
>I initiate communication 70% of time, she does the other 30%
>Still has my apartment key (almost 3 weeks later)
>Still has stuff at my apartment
>Walk her dogs together
>We have a trip coming up for an event we are both attending. Booked flights, hotel, and rental car together. Staying in same hotel room (went 50/50 on everything)
>Hasn't told many people/made it public
>Has come to watch me compete for my sports team, invites me to hers
>Invited me over this weekend to decorate pumpkins, which ended up spanning both Saturday and Sunday, which also included dinner at her place and walking dogs. (I didn't stay the night)

So far the consistent theme has been "she wants to have her cake and eat it too," which I agree with. It puts me in a crappy situation since I am not ready to let go. She's been consistent with saying we aren't going to get back together, yet we keep doing relationship-y things. There's no one else in the picture, so I don't have to worry about that (for now).

Advice on what I should do? Advice on what she's up to? (ie: trying not to hurt me, keeping me on a short leash while she figures things out?)

Thanks!

« Last Edit: October 17, 2016, 03:12:32 PM by nexus »

ncornilsen

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1047
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2016, 03:14:41 PM »
Been there. It will suck for a little while after moving on, but you will be much happier after the grief passes.

seriously. Move on.

MKinVA

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 328
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #2 on: October 17, 2016, 03:19:37 PM »
Seems to me (a girl) she might be trying to let you down easy...slowly...hoping there is no drama...Move on and don't be available from now on. If she really wants to get back together, she will step up the pursuit.

nexus

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 825
  • Age: 33
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #3 on: October 17, 2016, 03:35:11 PM »
Thanks! Keep it coming.

But I can't wrap my head around that if she's so certain that it's over, why hasn't she got her crap out of my apartment? Kind of makes it hard to have anyone else over (not that I'd do that) when she still has clothes in my closet, hair stuff in my bathroom, award hanging up on the wall with her name on it. If I was so certain/so done, I'd get all my crap and make it as quick as possible.

I mean I could easily box it all up and take it to her, but (a) I don't want to and (b) I'm curious to see how long she'll let it set there. Same goes with my key. I could ask for it back, but I'm not ready to. My silly self still has hope.

I could do this as a tactic just to see if it shocks her into pursuing me again, but honestly it's a step in a direction I don't want to go.

swick

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2877
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #4 on: October 17, 2016, 03:50:16 PM »
It sounds like you both have some individual growing to do. If those are the reasons she gave you, she is A - trying to let you down easy. B - not sure of what she wants in life and needs time to figure it out. C - Really believes you are not compatible but has become so comfortable with your life doesn't know hot to detach.

Honestly, do you want to marry someone who is trying to sort our ANY of the above right away?

It sounds like a lot of the issues she gave you come down to communication. The "spark" usually goes in relationships unless you actively put effort into keeping it alive. All of those"this is new, falling in love is awesome, brain chemicals" WILL dissipate. If you don't have enough commonalities afterwards, why be together?

You have to be able to navigate and be able to discuss different views, personality quarks, etc in a way that honors and respects you both. It is figuring this stuff out together that deepens a relationship, where you move beyond the "this is new and love is great" feelings to an actual partnership. It doesn't seem like she is willing to go there yet - or maybe this is her way of forcing the issue?

Either way, you need to have some serious conversations. Pretending everything is fine and carrying on isn't fair to either of you.

Petunia 100

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 139
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #5 on: October 17, 2016, 03:56:55 PM »
I'm a woman.  There is NO WAY I would behave this way with an ex if I truly wanted it to be over.  So why is she doing this?  Possible reasons which come to mind:

1.  She isn't ready for it to be over.
2.  She is unsure she wants it to be over.
3.  She wants to keep you on the back burner just in case.

Is any of these possibilities THE reason?  I don't know.  But I do know that as long as you allow this to continue, you will not move on.

Samuel

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 771
  • Location: the slippery slope
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #6 on: October 17, 2016, 04:10:43 PM »
I've been through something similar.

It sucks when the romantic side fizzles with someone you're also really compatible with as friends because the ending can be so fuzzy. To me if she's insisting you're not going to get back together then she's made her choice but is unfairly skipping straight to a "good friends" phase because she's had much more time than you to process her feelings. She was romantically over you by the time she broke it off, but that's when your process started.

Chances are good that if you continue to linger in this zone she'll eventually mention a new guy and be genuinely confused when you act hurt.

I would suggest a cleaner break and to take some time apart (2 months or so) before trying to be friends like you're describing. If that makes her realize how much she misses you and wants to reconcile then you might get your wish. If not then you're just wasting your time and torturing yourself until it's made clear some other way.




englishteacheralex

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3890
  • Age: 44
  • Location: Honolulu, HI
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #7 on: October 17, 2016, 04:14:53 PM »
After a decade of bad dating situations and relationship drama, I established a very strict no-exes-as-friends policy. It was seen as drastic, but it worked well for me. Totally nuked all exes out of my life. No contact in any way, including facebook, social media etc. If I needed a friend, I turned to my many girlfriends or my family for emotional support.

Three years later when I met my husband he said it was one of his favorite things about me and made it easy for him to commit to me. I didn't have a bunch of hangers on competing for time/emotional energy.

Not everyone agrees with this policy, but for your own sanity, I'd at least nuke this girl for a while. She's being weird and ain't nobody got time for that.

nexus

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 825
  • Age: 33
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #8 on: October 17, 2016, 04:20:10 PM »

Swick, Petunia, & Samuel,

I am 110% in agreement with you. No 'Buts' about it. I'm going to start withdrawing (haven't texted her at all today!), get through this trip we have to do next month, and hopefully have that conversation right after we get back...if not sooner.

Believe me, there has been no lack of effort on my part; from flowers to attempted date nights to being available at a moment's notice. (Yeah, I deserve better than this.) In the weeks prior to the breakup she had not been putting in much effort. Honestly there has been more effort on her part in the past week than there has been lately, especially with the invites to hang out. I guess just take it slow/at her pace with no expectations from now until the trip. Then after the trip, it'll be time for the serious conversation and the possibility for a cleaner break. It'll suck going through the holiday season alone, but it is what it is.

ps) Thank you Petunia! I know my SO/ex. Her MO has been to pull you in, then push you away when things get too serious or go too fast. When we first started dating things got hot and heavy, then she friend zoned me. I didn't text her for several days, then things resumed course. I haven't been able to stop communication like I did last time, unfortunately. I'm hoping this is just one of those times. She also recently finally landed an actual job in her career. I'm wondering if the sudden life event has caused her to look at things differently. I won't mention what her master's degree is in because it would make this comically ironic.

Thanks for the input guys (and gals). It's just what I need. :)

nexus

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 825
  • Age: 33
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #9 on: October 17, 2016, 04:28:49 PM »
@englishteacheralex,
Not everyone agrees with this policy, but for your own sanity, I'd at least nuke this girl for a while. She's being weird and ain't nobody got time for that.
bwahahaahah! ain't nobody indeed!! My contract job ends early next year so I can just move elsewhere if the occasion arises. I'm also a follower of the 'no exes as friends' philosophy, but because this still feels relationship-y I haven't followed through with it yet. She also knows I'm very good about when I say something, I do it. Period. I'm just not at that point yet.

Metric Mouse

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5278
  • FU @ 22. F.I.R.E before 23
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #10 on: October 17, 2016, 08:05:38 PM »
If you're still enjoying each other's company, what's the harm in still hanging out as you are? I've done this with many ex's - they're still great people, and we have a lot of fun together, even if we aren't dating. 

Of course if this prevents you from seeking or accepting new opportunities for relationships, it might be best to get the stuff out of the apartment, if only to 'free' yourself mentally.  I've never been one to cut someone out of my life just because they think it would be a bad idea for us to stay together and get married and have bunches of babies and such - turns out they were usually right.

patchyfacialhair

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1259
  • Age: 34
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #11 on: October 17, 2016, 08:53:21 PM »
It's possible she is banging someone else and is using you as a crutch. Obviously, hopefully this isn't the case. But when you're not 120% sure you've been her only sexual partner since all this drama started, you should get tested. Many folks will seek what they're missing in a relationship from someone else (in her case someone more decisive, optimistic, and for whom she feels a spark).

Get the marriage thing out of your head. No way you should think about marrying someone who isn't equally interested in marrying you.

Work on yourself, get your mind off her, and let things work themselves out.  She probably just wants to let you off easy as someone else said.

This is coming from a married guy. I hope it all works out for you regardless though.

arebelspy

  • Administrator
  • Senior Mustachian
  • *****
  • Posts: 28444
  • Age: -997
  • Location: Seattle, WA
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #12 on: October 18, 2016, 03:32:26 AM »
Time for a clean break.  It will be much better for everyone, and much easier to move on.  This drawn out stuff, your "withdrawing," etc... oof.  That trip makes it even worse.

Good luck.  :)
I am a former teacher who accumulated a bunch of real estate, retired at 29, spent some time traveling the world full time and am now settled with three kids.
If you want to know more about me, this Business Insider profile tells the story pretty well.
I (rarely) blog at AdventuringAlong.com. Check out the Now page to see what I'm up to currently.

Villanelle

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 6651
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #13 on: October 18, 2016, 04:13:26 AM »
First, I think about 80% of the time, the reason given for a break up is not the real reason (or not the whole reason).  People lie either from discomfort, perceived kindness, or uncertainty about their own motivations, but they quite often lie.

I would do one of the following:
Have a chat with her and if she isn't interested in getting back together, make a clean break.  The "just be friends" thing just doesn't work if one person wants more than that.  Given time and healing and processing and moving on, maybe you can be friends later.  But now, it's just keeping the wound open.  So if she doesn't want to get back together, sever as many ties as possible.  Box up her stuff.  Cancel the trip.  Demand you key back.  Stop calling her and taking her calls (and texts).  You can't move on if you've still got one foot in this relationship.

Or I would just do the severing ties, without bothering to have the talk about possibly getting back together.  Send her a text or an email saying that you can't go on like this, and you need a clean break.  (This is actually the option I'd likely choose.)  I want to be with a person who would move heaven and earth to be with me, not someone who has casually decided they are better off without me.  Don't you think you deserve that?  She decided things will be better without you.  She's chosen to keep looking.  Rip off the bandage, heal the wound, and then wait until you find someone who will actually work to keep you around. 

MandyM

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 543
  • Location: Lexington, KY
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #14 on: October 18, 2016, 06:12:06 AM »
I'd say the best way to show her that you are decisive and optimistic is to box up her stuff and have her pick it up while dropping your key off. Then forge ahead in your life, excited for the next possibility.

She is dragging this out because it is easier for both of you. She doesn't have to make big changes and you don't seem so crushed.

(By the way this seems like a terrible romantic comedy. The couple lingers together, one so hopeful in reconciliation. Finally, it is revealed that the other is dating someone else and has been for much longer than they let on initially. At least in the movie version there is a quirky friend that you would realize you were in love with all along. I guess in High Fidelity things work out for the couple...)

mm1970

  • Senior Mustachian
  • ********
  • Posts: 10880
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #15 on: October 18, 2016, 10:40:37 AM »
Been there. It will suck for a little while after moving on, but you will be much happier after the grief passes.

seriously. Move on.

Been there too.  Let it linger far too long, like over a year.

Let it go.

Cottonswab

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 175
  • Age: 37
  • Location: Boulder, CO
  • Occasional Advice Dispensary
    • My Journal
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #16 on: October 18, 2016, 11:48:29 AM »
Assuming she has another long-time close friend, whom she talks to, I would go talk to that person and ask her / him to help you interpret her behavior. 

nexus

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 825
  • Age: 33
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #17 on: October 18, 2016, 12:31:41 PM »
Talking to a mutual friend would be tough. I don't think she's told many more people than her mom and a best friend that lives out of state. She's really close with her sisters, but they live 6+ hours away. I was thinking about reaching out to her mom just to kind of test the waters and see what she says, but I feel suuuuper weird about doing that even though her mom really likes me.

My tentative timeline is after we come back from our trip. Our team made it to playoffs out of state so I'd like to not create any drama prior to that. I'd hate for the captain to not play us because they think we're emotionally unstable [lol]. Post trip, I plan on having the discussion, box up the things, etc.

Oddly enough, we had dinner together last night, then talked on the phone until bed. #friendzone?

MandyM

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 543
  • Location: Lexington, KY
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #18 on: October 18, 2016, 01:50:32 PM »
Talking to a mutual friend would be tough. I don't think she's told many more people than her mom and a best friend that lives out of state. She's really close with her sisters, but they live 6+ hours away. I was thinking about reaching out to her mom just to kind of test the waters and see what she says, but I feel suuuuper weird about doing that even though her mom really likes me.


Don't do that. You feel weird because it is weird. I'm all for getting input from others, but here the clear answer is to talk to the actual person you are having an issue with. If you can't do that it is a big red flag that you shouldn't be in a relationship with her.

nexus

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 825
  • Age: 33
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #19 on: October 18, 2016, 02:09:48 PM »
Agreed. Not doing that.

zoltani

  • Guest
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #20 on: October 18, 2016, 02:18:13 PM »


Believe me, there has been no lack of effort on my part; from flowers to attempted date nights to being available at a moment's notice. (Yeah, I deserve better than this.) In the weeks prior to the breakup she had not been putting in much effort. Honestly there has been more effort on her part in the past week than there has been lately, especially with the invites to hang out. I guess just take it slow/at her pace with no expectations from now until the trip. Then after the trip, it'll be time for the serious conversation and the possibility for a cleaner break. It'll suck going through the holiday season alone, but it is what it is.

Dude, have some self respect. Women don't send mixed signals. If she really wanted you she would let you know. The signal is clear as day, as you said, she wants to have her cake and eat it to (but you're probably the one doing the eating? har har). I'd also venture to guess that she likes to see you grovel and make you feel like crap, but that's speculation. It sounds like you have emotional feelings for her that she doesn't have for you. I'd tell you to keep her as a FWB but it doesn't sound like you can stay detached. Don't talk to her friends about it, don't be available, go no contact. You will find someone better than this that actually respects you, but I suggest you find your self respect first.

Sorry to be so blunt but you need it.

JLee

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7512
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #21 on: October 18, 2016, 02:26:18 PM »
Ask her?

"I feel like there are some mixed signals and am not sure how to interpret them.  Do you see us as having a potential romantic relationship, as just friends, or as something else?"

Yankuba

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1356
  • Location: Long Island, NY
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #22 on: October 18, 2016, 02:29:04 PM »
Tell her you're pregnant, lol.

nexus

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 825
  • Age: 33
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #23 on: October 18, 2016, 03:26:46 PM »
Oh, I'm totally telling her I'm pregnant & that I'm keeping our love child!

FWB would be an acceptable medium right now, but since that only happened over one weekend, I'm doubting it will happen again. Believe me, I don't grovel. I agree that the current situation is total BS and it would probably be more beneficial if I just walk away, but I have a tendency to do things the hard way. If that means I lack self respect, so be it.

Zikzin

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 129
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #24 on: October 18, 2016, 04:41:21 PM »
How long have you guys been together? if you guys have been together for a really long time, she just sees this as comfortable, something familiar but not strong enough to spend forever with.

I had the same experience with my long time boyfriend, we had the same group of friends, grew up together, families hang out together during holidays, wants me to practice using his last name for the future etc. took a while for us to break it off because of this familiarity., We love each other but not crazy about each other kinda thing. I go out on dates, he picks me up and drops me off where I meet the guy, wait for me there and we both go home. I see this is how you guys are.  This relationship is not going anywhere. you both are just buying time to find the next one. 

One thing I know for sure, when you find the one, you will know right away, coz there's no in between, you just jump in, no matter what.

zoltani

  • Guest
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #25 on: October 18, 2016, 04:47:18 PM »
How long have you guys been together? if you guys have been together for a really long time, she just sees this as comfortable, something familiar but not strong enough to spend forever with.

I had the same experience with my long time boyfriend, we had the same group of friends, grew up together, families hang out together during holidays, wants me to practice using his last name for the future etc. took a while for us to break it off because of this familiarity., We love each other but not crazy about each other kinda thing. I go out on dates, he picks me up and drops me off where I meet the guy, wait for me there and we both go home. I see this is how you guys are.  This relationship is not going anywhere. you both are just buying time to find the next one. 

One thing I know for sure, when you find the one, you will know right away, coz there's no in between, you just jump in, no matter what.

Wow, just.....wow. 

If that means I lack self respect, so be it.

There is definitely a reason she's not into you. I'll let you figure it out.


nexus

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 825
  • Age: 33
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #26 on: October 18, 2016, 05:05:53 PM »

Wow, just.....wow. 



+1 on wow. We're definitely not like that. If I found out there was someone else in the picture, I'd be gone and her things would be out in the trash. Relationship was near the 1 year mark when she called it quits. Tomorrow marks 3 weeks of it being over. There's no one else in the picture for either of us. Hell, there's not even time for anyone else to be in the picture given how much time we are still spending together and full-time jobs.

Zikzin

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 129
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #27 on: October 18, 2016, 05:20:28 PM »
hold on, to clarify, we go home means he drops me off home, by going out on dates means I meet up the guy for dinner. Our families are very close that they feel comfortable knowing that we are together going out on weekends. I was in high school then and there's no sleeping over back in 1996 LOL..  So after breaking up, he ended up becoming my companion since I was not comfortable going home with a new date.






Zikzin

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 129
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #28 on: October 18, 2016, 05:31:28 PM »

Wow, just.....wow. 



+1 on wow. We're definitely not like that. If I found out there was someone else in the picture, I'd be gone and her things would be out in the trash. Relationship was near the 1 year mark when she called it quits. Tomorrow marks 3 weeks of it being over. There's no one else in the picture for either of us. Hell, there's not even time for anyone else to be in the picture given how much time we are still spending together and full-time jobs.

I would suggest you talk to her in a public place, not at your place, so you can focus on just talking and not end up getting cozy. Just check in how you guys are doing, where you are at together., obviously you guys are still into each other, maybe there's something you're lacking that she just can't say it. good luck!

zoltani

  • Guest
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #29 on: October 18, 2016, 05:35:16 PM »
hold on, to clarify, we go home means he drops me off home, by going out on dates means I meet up the guy for dinner. Our families are very close that they feel comfortable knowing that we are together going out on weekends. I was in high school then and there's no sleeping over back in 1996 LOL..  So after breaking up, he ended up becoming my companion since I was not comfortable going home with a new date.

LOL, yeah DEER it away

Zikzin

  • Stubble
  • **
  • Posts: 129
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #30 on: October 18, 2016, 05:38:42 PM »
omg some people have such dirty minds hahaha

 

arebelspy

  • Administrator
  • Senior Mustachian
  • *****
  • Posts: 28444
  • Age: -997
  • Location: Seattle, WA
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #31 on: October 18, 2016, 05:54:07 PM »
Dude, have some self respect.

+1.

Oddly enough, we had dinner together last night, then talked on the phone until bed.

Cut that stuff out.

If you want to be with her, you're taking the worst course of action for that to happen again.

If you don't want to be with her, you're taking the worst course of action for moving on.

Either way, your actions right now are only harming.
I am a former teacher who accumulated a bunch of real estate, retired at 29, spent some time traveling the world full time and am now settled with three kids.
If you want to know more about me, this Business Insider profile tells the story pretty well.
I (rarely) blog at AdventuringAlong.com. Check out the Now page to see what I'm up to currently.

Metric Mouse

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5278
  • FU @ 22. F.I.R.E before 23
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #32 on: October 18, 2016, 07:52:49 PM »
Talking to a mutual friend would be tough. I don't think she's told many more people than her mom and a best friend that lives out of state. She's really close with her sisters, but they live 6+ hours away. I was thinking about reaching out to her mom just to kind of test the waters and see what she says, but I feel suuuuper weird about doing that even though her mom really likes me.


Don't do that. You feel weird because it is weird. I'm all for getting input from others, but here the clear answer is to talk to the actual person you are having an issue with. If you can't do that it is a big red flag that you shouldn't be in a relationship with her.

Ditto. Please do not call the mom and whine about how the daughter you're still sleeping with doesn't want to date you....

MrsTuxedocat

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 312
  • Location: Canada
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #33 on: October 18, 2016, 11:36:58 PM »
You have to be strong and cut her off. She is getting the best of both worlds and I feel she is taking advantage of you and your feelings.

I understand you want to get back together, but this is not healthy behaviour. Tell her you are moving on with your life and then do it.

deadlymonkey

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 400
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #34 on: October 19, 2016, 07:43:20 AM »
Having been in this situation before, all the other posters are correct.  As soon as she meets someone, she will drop you like a rock.  The best solution is to cut her off completely now, like ripping off a bandaid.  If....down the road after you both have dated someone else for a bit want to get get back together and try again so be it......but right now she is teasing you along and keeping you from moving forward with your life.

Nick_Miller

  • Handlebar Stache
  • *****
  • Posts: 1655
  • Location: A sprawling estate with one of those cool circular driveways in the front!
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #35 on: October 19, 2016, 07:52:03 AM »
Yep, as others have said, go TOTAL no contact. No phone messages, no texts, no anything. Block her on your social media accounts.

She ended it; it was her choice. This whole current situation is obviously eating you up and she's enjoying it.

And for the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, get her crap out of your house and get your key back. Like today.


homestead neohio

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 854
    • Journal - Seeds Sprout
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #36 on: October 19, 2016, 08:31:49 AM »
I'd say the best way to show her that you are decisive and optimistic is to box up her stuff and have her pick it up while dropping your key off. Then forge ahead in your life, excited for the next possibility.

She is dragging this out because it is easier for both of you. She doesn't have to make big changes and you don't seem so crushed.

+1, but do it because you actually want to be decisive and optimistic, not because you want to impress her and win her back. 

If you are unsure of her intentions, go ahead and have the talk first, just to 100% convince yourself she hasn't changed her mind in 3 weeks.  Do you really think her breaking it off after a 1 year relationship was kind of a fluke thing, not well thought out, and subject to immediate retraction?  Yeah, right.  Come on, man. 

Just know that during "the talk" you are putting your heart out there to get stepped on before you attempt to be decisive and optimistic.  But if having the talk helps you have closure and move on without always wondering "what if?", then do it.  If she's actually waffling/indecisive, still cut it off.  Tell her you want someone who wants to make an effort to be with you, not someone who is very slowly adding distance.  If it was me, it would depend on my intention, whether or not I had the talk.  If I genuinely thought there were mixed signals and she might have changed her mind, I would probably have the talk to help me start to emotionally feel the loss and be able to move beyond it.  If I knew, in brutal honesty, it was over and I was not accepting it and just wanted to give her "one more chance" to rescind, I would cut it off with no talk.

Carrying on like you are (she has FWB and you are in denial) is a non-decision and is the worst option, you will get hurt much more once she's dating someone else and you still haven't moved on.

Sibley

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 7428
  • Location: Northwest Indiana
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #37 on: October 19, 2016, 09:23:04 AM »
OP (and probably a bunch of other people posting too), go read Captain Awkward's blog. She had a post almost exactly like this at some point. Plus, she's a good writer and it's interesting stuff to read.

Ask her. If she says no, completely disengage. If she says yes, you're together. If she's not sure, completely disengage and let her figure it out. If she wants to be in a relationship, it's up to her to let you know.

zoltani

  • Guest
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #38 on: October 19, 2016, 09:43:42 AM »
omg some people have such dirty minds hahaha

You think that what I was calling you out on was something dirty? You are even less self aware than I thought. I would hope that now you are older you see exactly what you were doing, emotionally abusing this poor young man, but likely not since you reply with "OMG dirty mind". Instead you tell it as some kind of endearing story.

Some people can rationalize away bad behavior and emotional abuse. OP use this as a lesson, and drop this woman that is stringing you along, do it before you are dropping her off on dates....





Spitfire

  • Bristles
  • ***
  • Posts: 302
  • Location: South Florida
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #39 on: October 19, 2016, 10:38:56 AM »

3.  She wants to keep you on the back burner just in case.



It's this one. It's always this one. Be like Elsa, let it go.

MandyM

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 543
  • Location: Lexington, KY
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #40 on: October 19, 2016, 12:09:15 PM »
OP (and probably a bunch of other people posting too), go read Captain Awkward's blog. She had a post almost exactly like this at some point. Plus, she's a good writer and it's interesting stuff to read.

Ask her. If she says no, completely disengage. If she says yes, you're together. If she's not sure, completely disengage and let her figure it out. If she wants to be in a relationship, it's up to her to let you know.
Found the Captain Awkward post: https://captainawkward.com/2016/08/28/894-my-boyfriend-broke-up-with-me-and-i-think-its-all-a-huge-mistake-how-do-i-process-this/

OP, definitely read this.

nexus

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 825
  • Age: 33
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #41 on: October 19, 2016, 12:34:53 PM »
OP here,

Thanks for posting the article. I read it. Thank goodness I don't have a Bob to deal with, but I understand the similarities.

"IF he’s [she's] made a mistake and wants you to stay after all, let him [her] do the work of realizing that and telling you that."

"- Take Bob[ette] at his [her] word and let the breakup happen.
- Take care of yourself."

I need to let this happen.

BTDretire

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 3074
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #42 on: October 19, 2016, 12:37:05 PM »
 Call her bluff, "Mary, I found someone I'm interested in and she seems interested in me, but I need to know where we stand".
If she's trying to let you down slow, you gave her an easy exit.
If she is just using you until she finds mister right, she is forced to $hit or get of the pot.

  However, I think you just need to move on.
 Suffer through it, just think you get the exhilaration of falling in love again.

MandyM

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 543
  • Location: Lexington, KY
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #43 on: October 19, 2016, 12:45:03 PM »
OP here,

Thanks for posting the article. I read it. Thank goodness I don't have a Bob to deal with, but I understand the similarities.

"IF he’s [she's] made a mistake and wants you to stay after all, let him [her] do the work of realizing that and telling you that."

"- Take Bob[ette] at his [her] word and let the breakup happen.
- Take care of yourself."

I need to let this happen.

I'm glad that helped. But don't forget: "You are grieving, one of the stages of grief is Bargaining." So be kind to yourself and know that processing this loss is going to take time.

nexus

  • Pencil Stache
  • ****
  • Posts: 825
  • Age: 33
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #44 on: October 19, 2016, 12:49:42 PM »

I'm glad that helped. But don't forget: "You are grieving, one of the stages of grief is Bargaining." So be kind to yourself and know that processing this loss is going to take time.

Totally proposed FWB yesterday during a phone conversation. She actually seemed interested. #bargaining

The thing that blows my mind is that this person has a masters in marriage and family therapy... how do you do this kind of stuff, then not apply it in your own life?? rant over.

zoltani

  • Guest
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #45 on: October 19, 2016, 01:08:03 PM »

I'm glad that helped. But don't forget: "You are grieving, one of the stages of grief is Bargaining." So be kind to yourself and know that processing this loss is going to take time.

Totally proposed FWB yesterday during a phone conversation. She actually seemed interested. #bargaining

The thing that blows my mind is that this person has a masters in marriage and family therapy... how do you do this kind of stuff, then not apply it in your own life?? rant over.

DUDE, you are way too emotionally involved for a FWB type situation. Also, this further solidifies the fact that she is just hanging on to you until she's ready to jump on the next dude. How do you know she doesn't already have other FWB? I wouldn't trust her words, only her actions.

She can do this kind of stuff because she is not as emotionally invested in you, plain and simple.

Spork

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5742
    • Spork In The Eye
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #46 on: October 19, 2016, 01:16:04 PM »

The thing that blows my mind is that this person has a masters in marriage and family therapy... how do you do this kind of stuff, then not apply it in your own life?? rant over.

In my very limited experience, this seems REALLY common.  You can have the most awesome insight into other people's psyches and be really good at counseling and such... and just have an awful time with seeing it in yourself.

FWIW: I agree with most of the above posters.  Move along.  If 5 years pass and you accidentally meet again and hit it off, reconsider it then.  Not now.

mm1970

  • Senior Mustachian
  • ********
  • Posts: 10880
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #47 on: October 19, 2016, 02:09:55 PM »

I'm glad that helped. But don't forget: "You are grieving, one of the stages of grief is Bargaining." So be kind to yourself and know that processing this loss is going to take time.

Totally proposed FWB yesterday during a phone conversation. She actually seemed interested. #bargaining

The thing that blows my mind is that this person has a masters in marriage and family therapy... how do you do this kind of stuff, then not apply it in your own life?? rant over.
Because it's hard?

Look, for me it was long ago (college).  Boyfriend, together for a long time.  Man, it was great.  Nice guy, fun times, good in bed, we really connected.  Got to know each others families, and I was CRAZY about him.  We knew each other beforehand and we built a life together.

But it wasn't working out. It was pretty simple, in our case.  He was graduating (I was a year behind).  Going into the Navy.  And wanted me to follow him.  (I was also going into the Navy, so that meant "choose GURL so I could be placed near him, instead of choosing my own path".)  That just wasn't going to happen.  The cracks started when he wanted me to compromise to "spend more time with him".  Aside from 21 credits a semester and a part time job, I got about 4 hours of sleep a night because I was studying.  I read "compromise" as "spend less time studying and more time with MEEEE".

He wanted the kind of wife that I couldn't be.  A follower.

We broke up.  I was finally the one to say "this isn't going to work".  But for the next year, we talked on the phone.  At least weekly.  We were friends!  We meant so much to each other! It was comfortable!  He came back to visit.  Now, all this time, he'd been thinking he'd give it another try.  (We'd kind of left that "out there".)  But I had moved on.  Partially.  Started dating anyway.  When he came back, he expected us to pick right back up.  Um, no.  (If he had warned me of this, it may have come out very differently, and thank goodness it did not!!)  We still continued to talk on the phone weekly until I graduated, then it tapered off.  By the time I graduated he'd met his future wife and six months later I met my husband.  But we each had to be willing to LET IT GO.

But it's HARD when emotions are involved.  How do you know it's the right thing?  What if you don't find someone who is a better fit?  (I don't personally believe in "the one".)

I know many many men who got "bored" with girlfriends, broke up, and married the next one.  My next door neighbor and his girlfriend were together for 7 years, got married, and she left him 3 months later.  Some people get bored.  Some people "settle".  It's complicated.

You just have to let it go.

Metric Mouse

  • Walrus Stache
  • *******
  • Posts: 5278
  • FU @ 22. F.I.R.E before 23
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #48 on: October 19, 2016, 02:28:11 PM »

I'm glad that helped. But don't forget: "You are grieving, one of the stages of grief is Bargaining." So be kind to yourself and know that processing this loss is going to take time.

Totally proposed FWB yesterday during a phone conversation. She actually seemed interested. #bargaining

The thing that blows my mind is that this person has a masters in marriage and family therapy... how do you do this kind of stuff, then not apply it in your own life?? rant over.

I'm just gonna leave this here...


TheGrimSqueaker

  • Magnum Stache
  • ******
  • Posts: 2606
  • Location: A desert wasteland, where none but the weird survive
Re: How to tell if ex is still interested??
« Reply #49 on: October 19, 2016, 02:35:43 PM »
She didn't break up with you. She unilaterally renegotiated the relationship and grabbed most of the power. Basically, you're still in a relationship with her. As perhaps the most beta person who has ever lived.

If you like that and are cool with it because you still get a piece of tail and someone to talk to, continue to roll with the situation as-is. But the fact that the breakup hasn't been announced and is some kind of secret effectively frees her up to do whatever she pleases while you're basically still tied to her. If you're into the 24x7 sub lifestyle scene and have a cuckold fetish, go for it and more power to you. Otherwise, you're going to be an unhappy person.

See, you're in love with this chick, and she's in like with you. It's like being in the friend zone, except you're her on-call gigolo who doesn't get paid. You're her safety net. Her placeholder who's good enough for now but who will be tossed aside the second someone more interesting comes along. You've been relegated to her sexual and emotional B-list, and it's seeming OK simply because her A-list is either empty or not showing up at the moment. You now get the time she doesn't allocate to something or someone she likes better. Living on table scraps seems OK now, but that's only because she hasn't found anyone yet and you aren't actually having the experience of sitting at the restaurant with your calls going unanswered because she's blown off your date night to twist the sheets with someone else. Or worse, she'll pass you off as the "crazy" ex who can't let go and is perhaps stalking her.

Here's how you make yourself stop waffling.

First, tell everybody in sight about your breakup. Do that first. Then the rest of the stuff, like getting her belongings out of your home and not seeing her anymore should take care of itself.