How to deal with "one up" relatives and a vent

[kolorado]

I don't know why this bothers me so much but I have a sibling who has one-upped every major purchase or event of mine and my hubby's life together. If it happened just once or twice I'd write it off as coincidence but it happens every stinking year. We don't live near these relatives nor are we particularly close. We used to be until they started pulling this stuff and I backed off telling them stuff about what our plans were or what we were doing. They still find out through my mother since we're close with her and they're close with her. A couple examples of their one-upping:
 Hubby gives me an engagement ring and we formalize our engagement on the same weekend that he picks up a new car. Guess who pulls into the driveway with a new car the very next weekend?
We announce our wedding date, which was about 4 months off. When we return from our honeymoon, said couple listens politely for about 5 minutes to our honeymoon stories and excitement about being newlyweds before announcing they are pregnant with the first grandchild. Later I found out that they'd been trying for three cycles after being married 5 years and protesting any interest in children.
And just this week I see the Facebook announcement of their new car purchase and pictures. What do you know, it's been one month since we got a new car(which we didn't post on FB, but they saw in person at our family vacation a few weeks ago) and the model they picked was our second choice. I was stupid enough to post a picture of that second choice on FB only because the guy driving the car in the brochure looked exactly like another brother and I thought my family would get a kick out of it.
I could post many more stories but I've tried to block out the majority of their little one-up games.
I just don't get it. I've never been competitive with these people. I'm the quiet, bookish one in our family. They are family and I love them but this stuff bothers me much more than I'd like it too. I'm being petty and I know it but I just needed to vent somewhere.

[Daleth]

Why do you care?

[destron]

Reading your description, it honestly seems like this is at least 50% in your head. Do you think that they decided to have a baby (if indeed it was on purpose) just to steal the thunder from talking about your honeymoon? It's not as if they announced it mid-wedding ceremony. It seems like they might of bad the courtesy to wait until after you got back to talk about it. I think you should not worry about this as I amounts to keeping up with the Joneses.

In either case, why are either of you buying so many new cars?!?

[LowER]

Just think of all the extra retirement time you'll be enjoying.

I agree with the other posters - live YOUR life, not anyone else's.

And who wants a new car anyways, I still regret not buying used almost a decade ago.

[Samsam]

Well it could be worse:  My friend a couple years ago got married and her sister waited to announce her pregnancy at her sister's wedding... haha like...wtf?

[brewer12345]

Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, who the hell cares what these people do?  Don't you do the things you do for your own purposes? Or is everything just to show off?

[kolorado]

Oh, I know a lot of it is in my head, but I'd have to give you a run down of all the things they have done over the years to make it seem not so much in my head. But I won't. I know this is a personal issue with me, but they honestly have a way of making the things they do seem very personally directed at us. I mean you really had to be there to see the expression and hear the exact way they said they'd have the first grandchild.
And as for the new cars thing, I'm talking about 1999 and this year. So not terribly excessive. :)
I'm fully admitting to being petty and not wanting to feel like this. Sometimes being able to admit something ugly about yourself is the best way to recognize and avoid those feelings in the future.
I think one of the things that bothers me about when these things happen is that I know my mom has been talking in detail about us to them. In fact, she has said on numerous occasions that she probably talks about us too often to them and that it must drive them crazy. That may the entire problem right there but there isn't much I can do about it.
Family, right? :P

[imustachemystash]

My husband's twin does this too.  We bought a condo and the next month they bought a Mcmansion.  My husband bought a practical Honda and then the next week his twin buys a BMW.  Instead of feeling impressed, it just makes me not like him. My husband has always been mustachian.  I'm glad he is the one being one upped instead of being the one needing to feel he has to outdo his twin.

[Daleth]

Oh, I know a lot of it is in my head, but I'd have to give you a run down of all the things they have done over the years to make it seem not so much in my head. But I won't. I know this is a personal issue with me, but they honestly have a way of making the things they do seem very personally directed at us. I mean you really had to be there to see the expression and hear the exact way they said they'd have the first grandchild.

Incorrect: This is all in your head. That is to say, the fact that you care about it is all in your head.

And as you said, it is truly petty of you to be mad at them for announcing a pregnancy when you got back from your honeymoon. Are you really counting beans to the extent that you feel like a couple's pregnancy announcement steals thunder that should have been reserved for your honeymoon stories? Isn't that a little bit sad? There is room on this planet for them to be pregnant and for you to be newly married... AT THE SAME TIME! There is room in the hearts of your relatives to be happy about more than one thing at once (such as your recent wedding and their pregnancy)! You don't own the weeks after your wedding, you don't own your family's attention. You got married, they got pregnant... it's their world too. They have no duty to hold off on getting pregnant to fit your schedule, or to avoid telling you their happy news when you're busy being happy about something in your own life. Would you rather they wait to tell you until you're SAD about something in your own life?! Would you rather they make you always the last people to find out?

Personally I think about the only time it would be selfish or rude to announce a pregnancy is when you know that the person you're telling *just* got bad news on the fertility front (failed IVF cycle, miscarriage, diagnosis of infertility etc.). That's the only time that such an announcement can reasonably be expected to make the listener feel bad, so that's the only time it could be rude.

[kolorado]

Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, who the hell cares what these people do?  Don't you do the things you do for your own purposes? Or is everything just to show off?

That's a funny mental image. Ha! I'm writing your entire response down in my personal journal to remind myself to get a grip. Brilliant. Thank you.
And no, I'm the farthest thing from a show-off there is. My brother, however is the family show-off. Maybe I'm just making everything personal since I abhor showing off. I also wonder what messages I may be sending out that I'm not aware of to potentially provoke this kind of thing.
And it's funny you should mention the "at the wedding" story, Sam. They were going to do that but changed their minds last minute to not steal my thunder. But they told my parents beforehand. I can understand their excitement but my mother had to basically lie to me for half a week up to my wedding. I thought she seemed very distracted. So in that way they still messed it up for me. But I grew up in a family of five kids so I'm very, very sensitive of any time with my parents that is actually 100% focused on me. In some ways it seems like you never really grow up.

[NinetyFour]

Ugh.  Makes me glad I am no longer in touch with my siblings.

[kolorado]

Oh, I know a lot of it is in my head, but I'd have to give you a run down of all the things they have done over the years to make it seem not so much in my head. But I won't. I know this is a personal issue with me, but they honestly have a way of making the things they do seem very personally directed at us. I mean you really had to be there to see the expression and hear the exact way they said they'd have the first grandchild.

Incorrect: This is all in your head. That is to say, the fact that you care about it is all in your head.

And as you said, it is truly petty of you to be mad at them for announcing a pregnancy when you got back from your honeymoon. It's beyond petty--are you really counting beans to the extent that you feel like a couple's pregnancy announcement steals thunder that should have been reserved for your honeymoon stories? Isn't that a little bit sad? There is room on this planet for them to be pregnant and for you to be newly married... AT THE SAME TIME! There is room in the hearts of your relatives to be happy about more than one thing at once (such as your recent wedding and their pregnancy)! You don't own the weeks after your wedding, you don't own your family's attention. You got married, they got pregnant... it's their world too. They have no duty to hold off on getting pregnant to fit your schedule, or to avoid telling you their happy news when you're busy being happy about something in your own life. Would you rather they wait to tell you until you're SAD about something in your own life?!

Well, in my defense, you'd have to know what their wedding was like in order to understand why I felt my time should be about me. My family threw their wedding, down to the decorating and the food. I was a bridesmaid and helped throw the shower. It was a whirlwind of activities and time spent on it to make it really special for them. So yeah, I expected reciprocity there and didn't get it. I was only 20 when I got married so emotionally I didn't handle the perceived slight very well. I think that's why the hurt still seems to come up after all these years. It's stupid, I know.
Thanks so much for all the replies, friends. I'm being a complete jerk and I am going to stop it right now.
It's not about me, it's not about me, it's not about me.........
;)

[Dr.Vibrissae]

As for the baby thing, I don't see how the fact that they started trying around the time you got engaged has anything to do with you.  I mean maybe they planned it to steal your wedding thunder, or maybe not, maybe they had been planning to start around that time anyways.  I wouldn't put too much stock in their previous stated disinterest in children.  The Mr. And I frequently brush off inquiries into when we are going to have children because, frankly it's personal and I don't care to be pressured on my timeline or to discuss it with anyone else ( including family).

You've only given a couple of examples, so maybe you're right and they are somehow trying to compete with you.  But life is not a competition, and you shouldn't need to feel one-upped even if that is their game.  Be happy with your decisions, and be happy for them when they have major life changes.

You said you used to be close, and it seems a shame that some ultimately un-important purchases would break up that closeness.

[Daleth]

From what you've said, it honestly sounds like there was NOTHING they could have done about their pregnancy announcement that would've been okay with you. You've found fault with them for waiting until you were home from your honeymoon and had told them a bit about the trip; you've found fault with them for telling your mom before your wedding and asking her to keep it secret out of consideration for you so as not to "steal the thunder" from your wedding; and you've found fault with your mother for "basically lying" to you for a week before your wedding--but of course, if she'd told you the truth, then you'd be mad at them for stealing your thunder before your wedding!

This level of craving attention and thinking that everything should be "about you" for a certain number of weeks before and after your wedding or other major life event is not normal or healthy. I hope you don't take that as me trying to shame you for it--I'm trying, perhaps clumsily, to suggest that if things like that continue to bother you, then you probably need therapy, and you'd be much happier in general after working with a good therapist on this stuff. You would have much greater generosity of spirit--for instance, if a sibling told you they were pregnant even AT your wedding, perhaps you could honestly feel like, "Oh wow, now there are TWO things to be happy about!" And generosity of spirit is its own reward; it feels a lot better than pettiness does.

[kolorado]

From what you've said, it honestly sounds like there was NOTHING they could have done about their pregnancy announcement that would've been okay with you. You've found fault with them for waiting until you were home from your honeymoon and had told them a bit about the trip; you've found fault with them for telling your mom before your wedding and asking her to keep it secret out of consideration for you so as not to "steal the thunder" from your wedding; and you've found fault with your mother for "basically lying" to you for a week before your wedding--but of course, if she'd told you the truth, then you'd be mad at them for stealing your thunder before your wedding!

This level of craving attention and thinking that everything should be "about you" for a certain number of weeks before and after your wedding or other major life event is not normal or healthy. I hope you don't take that as me trying to shame you for it--I'm trying, perhaps clumsily, to suggest that if things like that continue to bother you, then you probably need therapy, and you'd be much happier in general after working with a good therapist on this stuff. You would have much greater generosity of spirit--for instance, if a sibling told you they were pregnant even AT your wedding, perhaps you could honestly feel like, "Oh wow, now there are TWO things to be happy about!" And generosity of spirit is its own reward; it feels a lot better than pettiness does.

Aww, you made me cry and I don't think that's ever happened with a post I received on a message board before. :( Maybe you're right.
I really didn't know that having such strong feelings about people I loved and big events in my life weren't normal. And I'm not being sarcastic.
Maybe it's just the limited amount of information I can convey in a few posts and the fact that for a brief moment in time I admitted to an internet community that I was frail in some area but I do wonder if telling me I need therapy over this one area is just a little bit over the top. Haven't we all felt strongly sometimes and maybe the difference is that this time I just didn't deal with it and move on but instead vented about it online. Of course,it's entirely possible that if I had talked to someone else about these things at the time they were happening  I wouldn't feel the way I feel about things now. It's ridiculously hard to control feelings though isn't it?
And my mom "lying to me" is a big deal. We are best friends that tell each other everything and it must have killed her to have to keep that secret from me and very unreasonable for anyone to ask her to. I would much rather they had told me beforehand and left out the part of "stealing my thunder". You see, I would have been truly excited(and was truly excited)about the baby and wouldn't have taken it personally unless they had made it so. You really have to know these people to understand what I mean.
But thank you for caring so much at my cry for help to post that message. I'm honestly appreciative. I want to be a better person even if it takes facing the things I do that are pathetic.

[Dr.Vibrissae]

Hi Kolorado,
It's obvious from your posts that this is an issue that upsets you deeply.  I'm coming at this from a different angle,as an older sister whose younger sister used to frequently accuse me of "copying her" and doing things "on purpose" to upset her.  It seems to me that you are assigning more significance to some of these events than they truly deserve. 

The most recent event appears to be that they bought a vehicle you had considered buying, shortly after you bought a different vehicle. Even you agree your emotional response seems out of proportion to the event.  Despite the stigma, therapy is not just for mental illness, but can be very helpful for dealing with specific issues that you are having difficulty letting go.  Talking to someone a few times may help you get to the bottom of why the behavior of a brother you are no longer close with and rarely see bothers you so much.

From your posts so far it looks like you have some lingering feelings from the time around your engagement and wedding.  Of course strong feelings about family are normal, but 14 years is a long time to hold onto that raw feeling of hurt.  I hope for you that you can let go and find a little peace.  And don't be so hard on yourself, you're not a jerk, we're all just doing our best.

[brewer12345]

Man, I am glad that my siblings and I all walked different paths in life and there isn't any (so far as I know) competition going on. 

[avonlea]

kolorado,

You might be an HSP (highly sensitive person).  I am, and so is 15-20% of the population.  There are wonderful traits to this personality type.  Because HSPs pick up subtleties more easily than others, we have the ability to measure the mood of a room quickly.  We have the ability to empathize easily.  We also appreciate beauty more fully than others.  Of course, there are also downsides. Because we pick up subtleties easily, we are at risk of being easily hurt.  When we hurt, we do so more deeply than most.  The other 80% often cannot understand why we take things so hard.  Have you heard " just get over it" a lot in your life?  Sometimes we need to "get over it", but that can be a process.  HSPs are fairly likely to be overwhelmed by stimuli. We are not just sensitive emotionally, but physically (have a low tolerance for light, noise, smell, tastes, can't stand itchy material, etc). 

Here is a self-test: http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm

This article gives a bit of an intro on the personality type: http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/are-you-too-sensitive (There are a lot of distracting advertisements to the sides. Ugh. Sorry!)

The most popular book on the subject is The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr. Elaine N. Aron.  She herself is an HSP and has done a lot of research on the HSP personality.  Her book shows how highly sensitive humans and animals improve their species.  She also lists ways to help HSP's be able to cope with the not-so-awesome sides of their personality.  http://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Person-Elaine-Ph-D/product-reviews/0553062182/ref=cm_cr_dp_qt_hist_four?ie=UTF8&filterBy=addFourStar&showViewpoints=0

Being highly sensitive is beautiful.  It can be overwhelming, too.  If you are an HSP, I hope this info helps!  If not, I still hope that you are able to work through the pain you feel from your sibling's actions.  I was not present at the events you describe, and I think you are right when you say that one would have to be there to know what was going on.  Sibling rivalries can be lifelong struggles.  A build-up of petty actions that take place over many years can be tough to handle.   

[Rollin]

From what you've said, it honestly sounds like there was NOTHING they could have done about their pregnancy announcement that would've been okay with you. You've found fault with them for waiting until you were home from your honeymoon and had told them a bit about the trip; you've found fault with them for telling your mom before your wedding and asking her to keep it secret out of consideration for you so as not to "steal the thunder" from your wedding; and you've found fault with your mother for "basically lying" to you for a week before your wedding--but of course, if she'd told you the truth, then you'd be mad at them for stealing your thunder before your wedding!

This level of craving attention and thinking that everything should be "about you" for a certain number of weeks before and after your wedding or other major life event is not normal or healthy. I hope you don't take that as me trying to shame you for it--I'm trying, perhaps clumsily, to suggest that if things like that continue to bother you, then you probably need therapy, and you'd be much happier in general after working with a good therapist on this stuff. You would have much greater generosity of spirit--for instance, if a sibling told you they were pregnant even AT your wedding, perhaps you could honestly feel like, "Oh wow, now there are TWO things to be happy about!" And generosity of spirit is its own reward; it feels a lot better than pettiness does.

Aww, you made me cry and I don't think that's ever happened with a post I received on a message board before. :( Maybe you're right.
I really didn't know that having such strong feelings about people I loved and big events in my life weren't normal. And I'm not being sarcastic.
Maybe it's just the limited amount of information I can convey in a few posts and the fact that for a brief moment in time I admitted to an internet community that I was frail in some area but I do wonder if telling me I need therapy over this one area is just a little bit over the top. Haven't we all felt strongly sometimes and maybe the difference is that this time I just didn't deal with it and move on but instead vented about it online. Of course,it's entirely possible that if I had talked to someone else about these things at the time they were happening  I wouldn't feel the way I feel about things now. It's ridiculously hard to control feelings though isn't it?
And my mom "lying to me" is a big deal. We are best friends that tell each other everything and it must have killed her to have to keep that secret from me and very unreasonable for anyone to ask her to. I would much rather they had told me beforehand and left out the part of "stealing my thunder". You see, I would have been truly excited(and was truly excited)about the baby and wouldn't have taken it personally unless they had made it so. You really have to know these people to understand what I mean.
But thank you for caring so much at my cry for help to post that message. I'm honestly appreciative. I want to be a better person even if it takes facing the things I do that are pathetic.

My response will not be perfect, but will hopefully provide you with some insight.

I agree that saying you need therapy is over the top (and insensitive).  Your feelings are real and I can understand how you feel about these incidents, at a minimum they can be annoying.

Think about this though, that the feelings seem as though they are related to and based on your strong ego (and its constant bruising).  It can be a lifelong journey to learn about the ego and its impact on you, but there is a lot of easily accessible information on this subject and the sooner you realize where these emotions come from the better.  Since its a journey you could look at it as such, a great journey and cut yourself some slack - you are human after all.  Once you understand how the ego works and what happens while it is trying to "protect" you, you'll start to eliminate emotional responses to the situations you described.

Some will tell you how you should feel and that doesn't work.  Again, your feelings are real right now - they just sound as thought they are just based on your ego trying to protect you (however poor it is at doing this). Instead of sympathy you may gain insight by posting.  Thanks for sharing.

[gooki]

Or you could just have fun with it. Announce on facebook, you are vegan, pretend you just ordered the latest iPhone 5s, fake order a jet boat or a cruise, talk about some crappy restaurant as if its the place on earth.

And then sit back and see how many one uping atempts occur, and chuckle "fools" under your breath everytime.

Although many of the other recommendations in this thread are probably better for your long term health. Oh and be damn proud of yourself. Your mother obviously is.

[HappierAtHome]

I get it. I have loads of siblings and sometimes those relationships are really hard. Not saying we all shouldn't try to grow past it - I'm trying to, and i'm sure you are too - but it's tough. I think often parents/families set siblings up for competitive relationships without even knowing it.

[galaxie]

And as for the new cars thing, I'm talking about 1999 and this year. So not terribly excessive. :)

Well, you're on a money-saving forum, and one of the major axioms around here is that buying a new car (vs. used) is a waste of money because of how fast they depreciate.  So, to a lot of us, ANY new cars would be "excessive."  We're all selling our cars and switching to bikes.  Seriously!

The thing is, people on this forum are trying to "opt out" of the kind of rat race you're describing.  So around here, the advice you'll get is "why do you even care what someone else bought?"  We assume you're already trying to buy less stuff, so if someone else buys more stuff than you it's a win for YOU.

It sounds like you want more attention from your family for various life events than you are getting.  But there's a trick: I'm sure they'd be happy to spend time with you whether you just got married/bought a car/had a baby/move to a new house or not.  You don't have to jump through hoops for them to love you.  They are your family and they already do.  Why not just call them, meet for dinner, or go visit "because we haven't seen you in a while?"  Try to make it more about your relationship with your parents and extended family, and less about what your brother is doing.  There's enough space for both of you to be happy and loved individually.

It's a shame that your relationship with your brother is suffering because you feel threatened by his successes.  I wonder if he feels the same way?  Maybe you should talk to him about it and call a truce.    I wonder what would happen if you called him up and said "Hey, I feel like I've been competing with you a lot lately because we both have a lot of major things going on in our lives.  I am happy for you but also sometimes I don't want to share the spotlight.  Do you ever feel that way too?"

[NinetyFour]

You could try bragging about something you *didn't* buy recently, and see if they try to one-up you!  Then you could rejoice that you are having a mustachian effect on them!

[Daleth]

Aww, you made me cry and I don't think that's ever happened with a post I received on a message board before. :( Maybe you're right.
I really didn't know that having such strong feelings about people I loved and big events in my life weren't normal. And I'm not being sarcastic.
Maybe it's just the limited amount of information I can convey in a few posts and the fact that for a brief moment in time I admitted to an internet community that I was frail in some area but I do wonder if telling me I need therapy over this one area is just a little bit over the top.

I hope it didn't offend you! Saying therapy could be helpful isn't an insult--it's not a synonym for "you're whacko, dude," it's not an attempt to shame you (not when *I* say it, anyway, though some people do use it that way). It's just a statement that it sounds like you're in pain and have been in pain for some years now, and you don't have to be, and there are people whose job it is to help with exactly that kind of problem. Just like if you said your back had been hurting for years, I might say it's not normal or healthy for your back to hurt for so long, and suggest a chiropractor or a physical therapist.

Best of luck!

[Inevitable]

It sounds to me like you're trying to find reasons to be mad at your sibling.  They waited until you got back from your honeymoon to tell you they were pregnant.  They were probably really excited to tell you and instead of being happy for them you took offense to it.  I'll never understand any of this, because if my brother/sister had announced at my wedding that they were pregnant I would have been excited for them.  If they bought a new fancy car I'd tell them it was nice even though I wouldn't want to blow that money on a new car.

So many people spend their entire lives angry and upset when they should just try to enjoy life.  Sit back, relax, and stop taking everything so serious.  I bet you'll enjoy your life more.

[Will]

It might sound trite, but...

Don't sweat the small stuff (and it is all small stuff).

[limeandpepper]

I don't really see what the big deal is, but then again I don't really see engagements, weddings, honeymoons, pregnancies, and cars as the sort of thing to be competitive about. I think you really need to shift your mindset. What matters is whether you are content with your life. It sounds like you are almost as competitive as you perceive your sibling to be, otherwise all these things wouldn't bother you that much.

P.S. I don't think suggesting therapy is over the top. Why would it be? It is only so if one attaches stigma to therapy, and as far as I'm concerned, attitudes like that are a problem - there should be no stigma for seeking help to improve your well-being, if you haven't had much success dealing with it yourself.

[This_Is_My_Username]

The correct answer is to stop giving a shit about what other people do.

However,

If you want to be devious and get revenge, create a fictional achievement, which your sibling will feel compelled to one-up.

e.g: talk constantly about your new (fictional) yachting hobby.  Talk about the sailing club.  Talk about the americas cup.  Talk about your amatuer sailing competitions.  And deep-sea fishing.

Than finally, pretend that you have purchased an expensive yacht.

Your sibling will one-up you by purchasing a ritzy power-boat.

[Ipodius]

This might sound a little dramatic... but I would go see a psychologist about this. In these type of situations ("I know it's silly, and logically I understand why I shouldn't feel this way, but I still do!") a good counsellor / Psychologist can help you bridge that gap and understand why you feel the way you feel, and help you change it.

Your relationship with your family, in the long term, is really valuable. So I think it's worth putting the effort into improving the relationship, and learning some coping mechanisms / attitudes that allow you to have a healthy happy relationship with them even when there are issues.

Otherwise finally - don't feel bad about the way you feel. Just because feeling a certain way is ridiculous or illogical (and even if you know it!) - that doesn't mean those feelings and the emotions you feel are invalid. You are still hurt by it, you are still upset, and it's still worth dealing with those feelings. It took me a long term to realise this and accept it, but after doing so life got a lot easier.

I think for the certain type of person who is a bit more sensitive than average (I am one, and based on your post you are too) it's important to learn coping skills and mechanisms for reconciling the way you feel vs the way you know you should feel.

[Half-Borg]

If you want to be devious and get revenge, create a fictional achievement, which your sibling will feel compelled to one-up.

On the other hand, if you want to do something good for them, always talk about how much shares you bought and how much companys you own. They will one-up you and be financial independent in no time!

[oldtoyota]

My husband's twin does this too.  We bought a condo and the next month they bought a Mcmansion.  My husband bought a practical Honda and then the next week his twin buys a BMW.  Instead of feeling impressed, it just makes me not like him. My husband has always been mustachian.  I'm glad he is the one being one upped instead of being the one needing to feel he has to outdo his twin.

Have you ever thought you are not being one upped? If your husband is making the better purchase, then he can't be one upped. Just another pov.

[avonlea]

Or you could just have fun with it. Announce on facebook, you are vegan, pretend you just ordered the latest iPhone 5s, fake order a jet boat or a cruise, talk about some crappy restaurant as if its the place on earth.

And then sit back and see how many one uping atempts occur, and chuckle "fools" under your breath everytime.

Although many of the other recommendations in this thread are probably better for your long term health. Oh and be damn proud of yourself. Your mother obviously is.

+1

I love your combination of wit and wisdom, gooki. :)

[Kira]

But I grew up in a family of five kids so I'm very, very sensitive of any time with my parents that is actually 100% focused on me. In some ways it seems like you never really grow up.

This was what really jumped out at me. The things you go through as a kid set your mental patterns for the rest of your life. It seems like much of this comes down to you wanting the focus to be on you and the thing you just achieved for a little while before anyone else gets to steal your thunder. But another kid wants Mom's attention before you're finished telling your story. It does take some of the excitement out of something when you don't get to enjoy the spotlight of being "the one with the big news" for very long. But I suspect you do not realize the times you have probably done this to your siblings yourself - maybe there was something you didn't know about that they were telling family members one at at a time about, or something that was in the works but got delayed, and then you announce your big story and they feel like their thunder has been stolen.

I only have one sibling and I feel like this happens sometimes. It happens to everyone who's got siblings. If this is something that's been bothering you since 1999, or whenever, it might truly be worth it to sit down with a counselor for a few sessions and pick it apart. It's nice to have someone to which you can reveal all the ugly things you think without judgement. Not that strangers on the internet aren't also a good option.. :)

[Miamoo]

You could try bragging about something you *didn't* buy recently, and see if they try to one-up you!  Then you could rejoice that you are having a mustachian effect on them!

Tried this with my husbands disfunctional family.  (Got rid of a vehicle, cut cable, switched to voip for phone service).  Husband got an offer from oldest sister for $5,000/month that she'd send to the office secretly (so I wouldn't spend it - ha!) to help support us as we MUST be having severe financial problems.  They just don't get it.  Don't expect them to understand what we're doing but was very surprised (and both of us insulted) by her offer.  We only speak to 3 of his 7 siblings.  A lot if it has to do with the 'one up-manship' attitude of them (different from OP) that is just so tedious.  Except for abovementioned SIL they're all broke, wonder why but continue to brag about their stuff.

Wow, I could start a whole new venting thread!

[hybrid]

My husband's twin does this too.  We bought a condo and the next month they bought a Mcmansion.  My husband bought a practical Honda and then the next week his twin buys a BMW.  Instead of feeling impressed, it just makes me not like him. My husband has always been mustachian.  I'm glad he is the one being one upped instead of being the one needing to feel he has to outdo his twin.

Have you ever thought you are not being one upped? If your husband is making the better purchase, then he can't be one upped. Just another pov.

I like that POV, nicely put.  I have a brother in law who has always enjoyed much nicer things than I have.  While I was driving a Mazda beater for a quarter million miles over 18 years, he would go from expensive car to expensive car.  And a boat.  And a jet ski.  And a Harley.  Well, same BIL has had some very bad fortune over the past few years and guess who had no reserves when his fortunes turned south?  And so now he has a bankruptcy too.

I'm not saying that is what is happening in this case, both siblings may be well within their means, but make the right choices for you and stop competing.  If you care that much, you simply have to be competing on some level if it bothers you that much.  My (economically bright) brother makes significantly more than I do, is married and has no kids, and has done some very cool things I probably won't do over a lifetime as a result.  I can't keep up with him if I wanted to.  It matters not a lick to me, I'm happy he is doing well.

If your relatives are one-upping you just to one-up, let them have it.  Deny them the pleasure (and burden them with the expense) by learning not to care.  The game stops being a game when only one is playing. 

[sleepyguy]

1st world problems :)

As others said and the msg of this site... do your own thing.

[dragoncar]

Love the responses in this thread.  Recommend therapy (its not just you, this is why people keep up with the joneses).

[This_Is_My_Username]

If you want to be devious and get revenge, create a fictional achievement, which your sibling will feel compelled to one-up.

On the other hand, if you want to do something good for them, always talk about how much shares you bought and how much companys you own. They will one-up you and be financial independent in no time!

Even better!

[kolorado]

Just catching up on all the replies made since my last post. Had an exceptionally busy two days.
I'm making note of the book recommendations to get them from the library, thanks!
The extra sensitive emotions thing is right on. I'm so steady 99% of the time but I suppose that's because I have almost complete control over the environments I put myself in and people I let into my life. Just taking that quiz reminded me of a few years ago when hubby surprised me with Blue Man concert tickets for a date night and I cried through the whole concert pulling tissues out of my purse to stuff into my ears and closing my eyes wishing it was over. Just too much stimulation! My two older kids have Sensory Integration Disorder and I was a very average child so I guess I wasn't attributing their issues to something from me.
I have looked into talking to a therapist in the past and have always moved past an issue enough for my satisfaction to stop me from actually making an appointment. It just seemed like a waste of money. But I'm going to seriously consider the counselor thing again. If nothing else, it might give me great material for my writing. :)

[totoro]

I think the CBT therapy could work really well for you for this situation.  It does seem like you are extra sensitive to these events.

[Zamboni]

I'm amazed at how often this needs to be explained to people, but here are the phrases you need:

"Something good happening to someone else is not the same as something bad happening to me."

"Imitation is the highest form of flattery."

Repeat to yourself as necessary.

[starbuck]

Here's another mantra that I use in my life, particularly when I bring office drama home with me in my head:

"The only thing that makes it part of your life is that you keep thinking about it."

[ace1224]

i recently just went through this with my brother except opposite.  he had this massive breakdown about how my parents love me best and i try and out do him all the time.  which really sucked because i love my brother a lot. 
so i'm going to try and give you possibly (?) your brothers pov. 
i told my brother in the nicest way possible that if he keeps LOOKING for things he's going to find them.  he was mad bc i bought a house at the same time as him stealing his thunder, i told him we bought at the crash of the market and just like he did and in time to get the 8000 home buyers credit, it had nothing to do with competition.  he got mad bc we went on vacation the weekend after they announced their pregnancy with twins and i did it to make my parents focus on my kid, what he didn't know or want to believe is that the trip had been planned for months, i just didn't call him and tell him about it bc i don't need his permission or approval.  and just a whole bunch of stuff like that.
i really don't do anything to get one over on him, i have too much shit going on to sit there and plot against him.  but he keeps looking so obviously he's going to find it.  if i get one more phone call about how the gift i got mom was better than the one he got mom and i did it on purpose i'm going to flip out.  i'm actually not looking forward to her birthday for this reason.

i am very sorry you feel bad, it does not feel good to feel bad.  and i hope that your family isn't doing this to you on purpose, but maybe at this point you expect it?

[Mr.Macinstache]

1st world problems :)

As others said and the msg of this site... do your own thing.

You stole my thunder!

[brewer12345]

And I also think the therapy thing is a great idea. As I read the comments, that was all I could think of. Therapy is so relaxing, and if nothing else, a solid hour or so, that you get to talk about you and have the uninterrupted attention of the audience....which it sounds like you could use.

Eh, therapy is largely bullshit.

[Daleth]

And I also think the therapy thing is a great idea. As I read the comments, that was all I could think of. Therapy is so relaxing, and if nothing else, a solid hour or so, that you get to talk about you and have the uninterrupted attention of the audience....which it sounds like you could use.

Eh, therapy is largely bullshit.

It saved my marriage, and indeed helped us basically come back to life, so speak for yourself. You might've had a bad therapist, though--there are bad apples in any bunch.

[brewer12345]

And I also think the therapy thing is a great idea. As I read the comments, that was all I could think of. Therapy is so relaxing, and if nothing else, a solid hour or so, that you get to talk about you and have the uninterrupted attention of the audience....which it sounds like you could use.

Eh, therapy is largely bullshit.

It saved my marriage, and indeed helped us basically come back to life, so speak for yourself. You might've had a bad therapist, though--there are bad apples in any bunch.

Whatever turns your crank.  Therapy is basically paying someone to cry at, whine at, and basically suck up your bullshit like it is the finest wine for the allotted time.  I suppose there are far worse vices.

[totoro]

You don't know what you don't know.  It is always disconcerting to come across posts that are so unequivocal and incorrect at the same time.

[brewer12345]

And I also think the therapy thing is a great idea. As I read the comments, that was all I could think of. Therapy is so relaxing, and if nothing else, a solid hour or so, that you get to talk about you and have the uninterrupted attention of the audience....which it sounds like you could use.

Eh, therapy is largely bullshit.

It saved my marriage, and indeed helped us basically come back to life, so speak for yourself. You might've had a bad therapist, though--there are bad apples in any bunch.

Whatever turns your crank.  Therapy is basically paying someone to cry at, whine at, and basically suck up your bullshit like it is the finest wine for the allotted time.  I suppose there are far worse vices.

Wow, I guess you definitely had a bad one. Mine gave me practical techniques to work through issues. I used them, and now I no longer go. But if you figured something else out to help with your problems, then that's great for you too. I just can't see discounting something as "bullshit" because it didn't work for you. If you have (legitimate) statistics, feel free to post.

Like I said, if a therapist makes you happier, fab.  Its your money, time, etc. and it doesn't really hurt anything, so enjoy.

As for myself, whatever problems I might have I deal with.  Ultimately everyone is on their own and they either figure out solutions or they don't.  That is life.

[brewer12345]

You don't know what you don't know.  It is always disconcerting to come across posts that are so unequivocal and incorrect at the same time.

I'm married to a counselor.  I understand quite well of what I speak.