Work boondoggles and relationships

[dcheesi]

Posting this in OT, since it's not really a money/FIRE issue. But I'm wondering about the perspective of others here.

My work scheduled a dinner cruise in a nearby city (not the closest, but close), as a thank you for good performance or whatever. Chartered bus to take the group from the office to the boat, buffet dinner/drinks/dj etc.

Free food, drinks, & entertainment --sounds great, right? But the thing is, it's for employees only, no +1's. Having just moved in with my SO, with whom I regularly enjoy nights out dancing etc., the idea of leaving her on her own while I went off and did a similar type of event with coworkers just felt ...weird? Plus as an introvert, I'm not sure I want to be locked up on a bus with my coworkers for another hour after a long period of cocktail-party socializing with those same folks. So I wound up declining the offer.

I guess the first mildly surprising thing is current committed me turning down a free party, which the previous single me would have jumped at. But I think I have a handle on why that is (combination of having someone else to think of, and having atrophied solo-socialization skills now that I have a partner to lean on in most such situations.)

But what really surprises me is that I seem to be almost the only one? I get the single folks going, but the vast majority of my married coworkers are going, too. Is my reaction that far out in left field? Or is there something I'm missing? Is it just that we're still in a "honeymoon phase", while members of more established couples are eager to spend time away from their spouse/SO?

[therethere]

That would be my initial reaction also, as someone with social anxiety. But I would make an effort to go if it was somewhere I was working long term for teambuilding and comraderie. Although, having to/from transportation covered and no way to leave would make me not want to go! I have a hard line that I do not do work events on Friday/Sat/Sunday. That's my time.

[dcheesi]

That would be my initial reaction also, as someone with social anxiety. But I would make an effort to go if it was somewhere I was working long term for teambuilding and comraderie. Although, having to/from transportation covered and no way to leave would make me not want to go! I have a hard line that I do not do work events on Friday/Sat/Sunday. That's my time.

As it happens, it is a Friday evening (tonight, actually). While I didn't think about it in those terms, I do think that the "left SO at home alone" issue loomed larger since it's a night that we would ordinarily be looking to go out together.

As it turns out, we've since decided to visit my parents this weekend, so we'll be driving down tonight. Not as much "fun" as a boat party, I guess, but it makes for a good excuse if someone asks :)

[OzzieandHarriet]

I always hated those work-related parties. I only went if I had to and wished they would give us extra time off or extra pay instead of whatever they spent on the event.

[NotJen]

Is it just that we're still in a "honeymoon phase", while members of more established couples are eager to spend time away from their spouse/SO?

It's probably not that they are eager to get away.  It's healthy for couples to do activities separately occasionally.  Though this does seem like the kind of event spouses/so should be invited to.

Because of social anxiety, I declined any after-work activity to spend time with my BF/husband when I was younger. I regret it, as I really isolated myself and it didn't end well.  Now I say yes to more things, even if it's awkward, and am much happier.

I happen to like my coworkers, and would probably choose to attend the event (and take a book or pretend to sleep on the way back if I needed a break!). But I would say no if it were a toxic work environment or something.

[dcheesi]

Is it just that we're still in a "honeymoon phase", while members of more established couples are eager to spend time away from their spouse/SO?

It's probably not that they are eager to get away.  It's healthy for couples to do activities separately occasionally.  Though this does seem like the kind of event spouses/so should be invited to.

Because of social anxiety, I declined any after-work activity to spend time with my BF/husband when I was younger. I regret it, as I really isolated myself and it didn't end well.  Now I say yes to more things, even if it's awkward, and am much happier.

I happen to like my coworkers, and would probably choose to attend the event (and take a book or pretend to sleep on the way back if I needed a break!). But I would say no if it were a toxic work environment or something.

Yeah, I do watch football on my own sometimes (she isn't into sports), and she's free to do stuff on her own as well. But this just felt too much like something we ought to be doing together (and on a night when we normally would be going out together).

[charis]

Is it just that we're still in a "honeymoon phase", while members of more established couples are eager to spend time away from their spouse/SO?

It's probably not that they are eager to get away.  It's healthy for couples to do activities separately occasionally.  Though this does seem like the kind of event spouses/so should be invited to.

Because of social anxiety, I declined any after-work activity to spend time with my BF/husband when I was younger. I regret it, as I really isolated myself and it didn't end well.  Now I say yes to more things, even if it's awkward, and am much happier.

I happen to like my coworkers, and would probably choose to attend the event (and take a book or pretend to sleep on the way back if I needed a break!). But I would say no if it were a toxic work environment or something.

Yeah, I do watch football on my own sometimes (she isn't into sports), and she's free to do stuff on her own as well. But this just felt too much like something we ought to be doing together (and on a night when we normally would be going out together).

I am more than fine going to a work event without my spouse, and it's usually a necessity because one of us needs to stay home with the kids.  And we certainly aren't going to waste money on a babysitter (or grandparent time) to attend a quasi-obligatory work event when we have precious few dates to begin with.  Date night is for doing what we want as a couple, not hanging out with my coworkers. 

That said, I've never been asked to attend a dinner cruise for work, so whether I'd attend would be based on how well I like my coworkers and how important it seems to my boss.  I've been in some offices that are great and I'd jump at the chance to hang out with my colleagues outside of work, and some that you couldn't pay me to. 

It sounds like you are in a newer relationship than most of your married coworkers and don't feel as comfortable changing up your routine with your gf to do this on your own.  That's fine, everyone has their own comfort level.  But I wouldn't read anything into your coworkers relationships because they aren't abstaining from this event.

[Tris Prior]

Work cruises are the worst, in my opinion. Everyone gets shitfaced and you literally can't leave until the boat is back on land.

[Hula Hoop]

I've always done a lot of things separate from my husband - even before we had kids.  He's an introvert and I'm an extrovert.  I need social time and he really doesn't.  Now that we have kids it works well as he stays home with the kids while I go out with friends.  We're different people and not attached at the hip so it works well for us.

I agree that work events are often a drag though.  I spend enough time with my colleagues.

[use2betrix]

It’s rare that I will partake in work events outside work hours, without my spouse. My wife doesn’t work, so I try to include her in work social events whenever possible. Fortunately, all our upper management knows this, loves my wife, so she gets invited to events even when no other spouses are specifically invited.

I see my coworkers all day long. I enjoy a lot of their company, but my wife is also my best friend and I will happily spend 24/7 with her. Even during our long sabbaticals, every single thing we do is together and we both love it. We have nearly all the same hobbies.

[Just Joe]

Does this employer see this event as some sort of team building event?

[big_owl]

I always hated those work-related parties. I only went if I had to and wished they would give us extra time off or extra pay instead of whatever they spent on the event.

Me too, I'm a high-reactive introvert and can't deal with that shit.  And dude, I see these people like 8-10hrs a day every day, I don't need to see them off hours as well.  If big boss was really sincere about treating her employees then she should do these things during the *work day*, don't make me give up my own time to spend precious hours with these jawjacks that I work with every day.  Even better just give me extra money in my paycheck, not these stupid events. 

[Villanelle]

It sounds like something planned in part to foster relationships between coworkers.  While that can happen with partners present, it's a different kind of interaction and bonding.  I'm not terribly surprised that it wouldn't include +1s. 

And I don't think it's entirely fair to say that people who are excited about this are "eager to get away".  It may simply be that they don't feel like they have to or need to spend all their time with their partner, which is actually quite healthy.

I wouldn't be excited about something like this, as a socially anxious introvert.  But I would still go.  My spouse is capable enough that one night without me isn't going to be uncomfortable (thank goodness) and I'd feel it was probably important to play along for the sake of work politics, networking, etc.  So unless I had another commitment of some kind, I'd attend and feel it was a mistake not to.  If you don't want to, cool.

But don't make uncharitable assumptions about your coworkers and their relationships just because they are willing or even excited to do this without their partners. 

[martyconlonontherun]

 I don't mind a quarterly get together to build relationships with coworkers but I travel 40% of the time with my job and consistently forced to have long dinners. I am the opposite of a foodie and it is painful getting coworkers to accept I would rather eat something quick by myself and go back to the hotel to work-out/an hour to myself. It would be one-thing if we weren't slammed but if i'm already working/traveling 60 hours+ a week, I really don't want to spend another 2 hours eating unhealthy food/not doing something I enjoy.

[dcheesi]

Work cruises are the worst, in my opinion. Everyone gets shitfaced and you literally can't leave until the boat is back on land.

Heh, I talked to a younger coworker today, he said it was his first dinner cruise and he didn't know what to expect, but he likened the experience to "a party bus, but you can't get off"!

Regarding my feelings about my coworkers: I like them well enough, but I don't feel like I know enough of them well enough to keep up conversation for hours at a party¹. Since our group was transplanted from another site, there's always been a bit of distance between us and the office "natives". And within my group, most of the people that I'd consider friends have left the company (not always by choice) or are in other locations.

¹Unless of course I got sauced myself. But then I'd have to deal with the aftermath of that, including making my way home from the office (I now live a half-hour away by car/Uber).

[Villanelle]

Work cruises are the worst, in my opinion. Everyone gets shitfaced and you literally can't leave until the boat is back on land.

Heh, I talked to a younger coworker today, he said it was his first dinner cruise and he didn't know what to expect, but he likened the experience to "a party bus, but you can't get off"!

Regarding my feelings about my coworkers: I like them well enough, but I don't feel like I know enough of them well enough to keep up conversation for hours at a party¹. Since our group was transplanted from another site, there's always been a bit of distance between us and the office "natives". And within my group, most of the people that I'd consider friends have left the company (not always by choice) or are in other locations.

¹Unless of course I got sauced myself. But then I'd have to deal with the aftermath of that, including making my way home from the office (I now live a half-hour away by car/Uber).

Perhaps this cruise is an attempt to, or at least an opportunity to, address that.