Aha. Ha. Ha.
I don't have a bad relationship with the in-laws per say ... they're good people, no mental issues or narcissism or anything like that. But there is definitely a lot of tension because of how different their family is. My only family in the US is parents and brother (we're immigrants). Because of this, I've developed and rely on an extensive network of friends - I consider my friends my chosen family. In fact, while I love my (actual) family, they really don't factor into my life on a daily or weekly basis, it's my husband and friends who do. Well, husband's family is really big (seriously, we invited about 100 people to our wedding, his 50 was almost all immediate family, mine was almost all friends). And they all have the attitude that family is the MOST important thing, that your spouse's family is your family, etc. That's not how I roll - why should someone I'm obligated to spend time with be more important than someone I CHOOSE to spend my time with? Not to mention, one side of his family doesn't speak much english, so my relationships with them are surface-level, and I really don't feel deep affection for people who don't know anything about me as a person, and who I don't know intimately either. Sigh. The other person who married into the family (married to one of husband's siblings) also has the same family-is-the-most-important-and-husbands-family-is-my-family-too attitude. So I am really the odd person out and get a lot of judgement from her too.
I'm trying my best to navigate his family and be gracious and not overwhelmed, but failing a lot. And the problem is really compounded by the fact that some of these in-laws that are presumably in my life forever, are actually people I wouldn't willingly spend time with or try to be friends with. As I get older, I am growing a lot less tolerant of giving my time to people who don't intrigue/interest me or who I don't care for, in general, and having to give so much time (and money) to in-laws is really frustrating.
Current annoyance: one of husband's siblings suggested they go in for a gift to their mother of an expensive ($500+) camera because she mentioned wanting to take pictures, and she is going through lots of sadness/stress with the illness/impending death of a parent. My husband wants to give $200, and I just think buying a really expensive camera is not a great way for someone to decide if they like taking pictures. Why not start with something less expensive and more portable, she can always upgrade in the future (with our help).
Also, just got a google invite to participate in some garage sale the family is having, at a time of peak stress for me (end of semester, only a month or two before my prelim that I have to pass else I get kicked out of my PhD program). And this is the exact time a friend who moved to Cali a year ago is on the east coast, and my group of super-close HS girlfriends (who were my bridesmaids) are going to get together. So my attitude is 1) I'm under a lot of stress and I should be studying during that time, and 2) The time I'm not studying, I want to spend with my friends who ARE my family and have supported me and know me more than my hypothetically husband's-family-is-my-family 'family'. The crazy thing is that my husband and I have an amazing relationship and he understands all this and doesn't expect me to help with the garage sale or anything. It's just his family that is judging me for having different priorities than they do. :(