Author Topic: How's your relationship with in-laws?  (Read 6813 times)

PEIslander

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How's your relationship with in-laws?
« on: March 05, 2015, 04:00:54 AM »
I was just reading another thread where the mother-in-law offered to pay off her daughter-in-law's credit card debt if she'd let her counsel her on finances. Many posters responded there's no way they'd take the money because of the required counselling. This has me thinking about my relationship with my own in-laws.

I really like my in-laws --- flaws (lol) and all. Ya, they have flaws...
Like the time my mother-in-law slammed a car door on my hand. I was beside myself in pain. I didn't swear or yell at her but I may have been moaning while the eyes rolled back into my head. I received no sympathy or concern if anything was broken or cut off from my in-laws. Instead my father-in-law got mad because he thought my suffering might make his wife feel bad.

Do you have any in-law relationship stories?

daymare

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #1 on: March 05, 2015, 09:56:13 AM »
Aha. Ha. Ha.

I don't have a bad relationship with the in-laws per say ... they're good people, no mental issues or narcissism or anything like that.  But there is definitely a lot of tension because of how different their family is.  My only family in the US is parents and brother (we're immigrants).  Because of this, I've developed and rely on an extensive network of friends - I consider my friends my chosen family.  In fact, while I love my (actual) family, they really don't factor into my life on a daily or weekly basis, it's my husband and friends who do.  Well, husband's family is really big (seriously, we invited about 100 people to our wedding, his 50 was almost all immediate family, mine was almost all friends).  And they all have the attitude that family is the MOST important thing, that your spouse's family is your family, etc.  That's not how I roll - why should someone I'm obligated to spend time with be more important than someone I CHOOSE to spend my time with?  Not to mention, one side of his family doesn't speak much english, so my relationships with them are surface-level, and I really don't feel deep affection for people who don't know anything about me as a person, and who I don't know intimately either.  Sigh.  The other person who married into the family (married to one of husband's siblings) also has the same family-is-the-most-important-and-husbands-family-is-my-family-too attitude.  So I am really the odd person out and get a lot of judgement from her too.

I'm trying my best to navigate his family and be gracious and not overwhelmed, but failing a lot.  And the problem is really compounded by the fact that some of these in-laws that are presumably in my life forever, are actually people I wouldn't willingly spend time with or try to be friends with.  As I get older, I am growing a lot less tolerant of giving my time to people who don't intrigue/interest me or who I don't care for, in general, and having to give so much time (and money) to in-laws is really frustrating.

Current annoyance: one of husband's siblings suggested they go in for a gift to their mother of an expensive ($500+) camera because she mentioned wanting to take pictures, and she is going through lots of sadness/stress with the illness/impending death of a parent.  My husband wants to give $200, and I just think buying a really expensive camera is not a great way for someone to decide if they like taking pictures.  Why not start with something less expensive and more portable, she can always upgrade in the future (with our help). 

Also, just got a google invite to participate in some garage sale the family is having, at a time of peak stress for me (end of semester, only a month or two before my prelim that I have to pass else I get kicked out of my PhD program).  And this is the exact time a friend who moved to Cali a year ago is on the east coast, and my group of super-close HS girlfriends (who were my bridesmaids) are going to get together.  So my attitude is 1) I'm under a lot of stress and I should be studying during that time, and 2) The time I'm not studying, I want to spend with my friends who ARE my family and have supported me and know me more than my hypothetically husband's-family-is-my-family 'family'.  The crazy thing is that my husband and I have an amazing relationship and he understands all this and doesn't expect me to help with the garage sale or anything.  It's just his family that is judging me for having different priorities than they do. :(

netskyblue

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2015, 10:10:53 AM »
Don't really have any stories...but I'd say I love my FIL as much as I love my own father.  Husband's mother died young, many many years before we met.  I love his aunts/uncles, too, though we only get to see them a few times a year, they're not local.  I TOTALLY look forward to their visits!

Regarding the "other" inlaws, my sisters' husbands - One sister's husband I just like.  He's a fine guy, though not Mustachian like my other sister's husband, and I'm a little sad that his job (military) moved him & my sister away from the family.  I like his sister a lot, too.  Don't really know his parents.

My other sister's husband is like a brother to me.  I don't really know any of his family though, they don't live around here.

There's nobody in my own family or extended in-law families that I don't like.  I wish we all got together MORE!  One big happy extended family!

Pigeon

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #3 on: March 05, 2015, 10:31:03 AM »
I'm one of the people on the other thread that wouldn't want my MIL meddling in our lives.

I've been married for almost 35 years.  Our relationship is fine now.  One of the things that has kept it fine was keeping boundaries in place.  It was more challenging in the beginning. 

I've always worked out of the home.  MIL was a SAHM and had a very hard time wrapping her head around women who didn't aspire to be June Cleaver.  I did not change my name when we got married.  This just about killed her.  For the first several years, she would address mail to me to Mrs. Hislastname.  We both asked her nicely to use my name, to no avail.  Finally, I started marking things "return to sender, addressee unknown" and that did the job.

When we first moved back to the area near them, she badly wanted us to buy the house down the street from them that was on the market.  Umm, no, not happening.  We bought about 20 minutes away.  Despite our asking them to phone first, she would want to stop by all the time unannounced.  We cured that by not answering the door, even though it was pretty obvious from the cars in the driveway that we were home.

Fortunately, dh and I are on the same page about this.  He would no more expect me to put up with intrusion from his family than I would expect him to from mine.

That doesn't mean I don't love them.  MIL is now 89 years old and FIL passed away a few years ago.  I do a great deal to take care of her and I'm more patient with her than her own sons are.

I like boundaries.  I like them with his family and I like them with my family.  I'm a private person. No way in hell would I want any extended family members, on his side or my side, getting up our business.   

GuitarStv

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2015, 01:18:48 PM »
My in-laws are pretty good . . . but there are some cultural and language differences that can make things awkward and uncomfortable.  My father in law had to flee the Philippines for a while a few years back when a business rival bribed some police in his city to issue an arrest warrant on him.  We were about a heartbeat away from living with them, but fortunately some money passed into the right hands and the whole thing straightened itself out.

The fact that they live across the world helps with tolerance of overbearing attitudes they may have.
« Last Edit: March 05, 2015, 01:33:00 PM by GuitarStv »

Villanelle

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #5 on: March 05, 2015, 01:25:31 PM »
I feel pretty fortunate in the IL department.  MIL (widowed) has always made me feel welcomed and respected.  She has pretty healthy boundaries and in general leaves us alone.  We aren't close at all, and by "we" I mean that neither DH and  are especially close to her.  But I don't find spending time with her to be unpleasant, and she doesn't interfere or cause problems in our relationship.

Overall, I think I am luckier than most.

Mississippi Mudstache

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #6 on: March 05, 2015, 02:01:04 PM »
I have truly great in-laws. I'm currently losing my mother to Alzheimer's. She was diagnosed not long before I met my wife. My mother-in-law has become almost a second mother for me, and she treats me like a son. My wife sometimes jokes that she likes me more than her, but we both know it's not true. They have a great relationship as well. I got lucky.

gooki

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #7 on: March 06, 2015, 02:25:54 AM »
My in laws are awesome. Young at heart, great fun to hang out with, generous, don't interfere, and they even get on well with my parents.

They lent us $15,000 interest free when we purchased our first home (to help get over the 20% down payment). We promptly paid them over the next 18 months, then proceeded to repay my parents.

I even take wood working courses with my father in law.

pachnik

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #8 on: March 06, 2015, 08:00:52 AM »
My husband's father had already died when he and I got together.

I didn't meet my mother-in-law until last year and my husband and I have been together for 9 years.  MIL lives in Quebec - just outside of Montreal and we live in Vancouver on the West coast.  We flew to Montreal last summer to visit with her.  She's a really lovely lady in her early 80s.  Unfortunately, she can't fly anymore since the last time she flew she had serious problems with her hearing; otherwise we would bring her here to visit us too.   I wish we lived closer together. 

rubybeth

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #9 on: March 06, 2015, 08:14:56 AM »
My DH's in-laws are awesome. :) He loves them and enjoys their company a lot. DH fits in very well with my extended family, too.

As for my in-laws, well, that's another story. My DH's mom lives in the same city as us, and we have a cordial but not close relationship. DH's dad and mom never married each other and so my father-in-law lives in another country with his wife and we only see him occasionally. There are a lot of mental health issues with both of DH's parents (PTSD, bipolar, etc.), and a lot of drama between my MIL and her other family members. But my DH's grandmother, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc. are all pretty cool for the most part and seem to like me and we get along fine.

I am highly unlikely to take financial advice from anyone outside of my own family. I don't really know of anyone in DH's family that has any money, except maybe a couple distant relatives. I know my own family's savings habits and values, and have sought advice from my parents about finances when doing my own research.

misschedda

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #10 on: March 06, 2015, 09:33:49 AM »
I just got engaged and I love my inlaws-to-be. They're human with human annoyances too but I really have gotten close to them and they've always been supportive.

Zikoris

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #11 on: March 06, 2015, 02:58:47 PM »
Uh... yeahh.... There are some cultural differences.

My boyfriend is a first-generation immigrant from a conservative Asian country. I'm as worldly and Western as a person can get. Because he grew up here, he's totally westernized, but his parents and extended family are... somewhat less so. They feel like we're basically doing everything "wrong" - we have no desire to pursue careers, purchase property or cars (or even get drivers licenses), have kids, or do any of the normal things that they could talk to their friends about. The religious wing of the family was horrified when we moved in together. They also think he should go back for a second university degree in computer science, and all that.

Fortunately, both of us are quite independent and have a DGAF perspective on things that don't directly affect us, so it doesn't matter. I'm good at keeping peace and redirecting conversations, so things go fine these days. It was definitely a bit rocky to begin with. He probably talks to them on the phone about once a week, and we see them in person every month or two.

infogoon

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #12 on: March 06, 2015, 03:02:21 PM »
I get along wonderfully with my in-laws; I golf and bowl with my father-in-law, and my mother-in-law comes over to our house once or twice a week to watch our kids. I think our relationship is so good because they're very much like my family -- working class Catholic. We're working from the same text, so to speak.

vern

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #13 on: March 07, 2015, 06:01:50 PM »
I received no sympathy or concern if anything was broken or cut off from my in-laws. Instead my father-in-law got mad because he thought my suffering might make his wife feel bad.

Wow, that's a rough one.

"Quit your moaning, you're upsetting my wife!"

I hope your hand is OK!


MayDay

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #14 on: March 09, 2015, 06:19:00 AM »
Mine annoy the snot out of me, but have never done anything totally awful.

Fil lies about everything. Really obvious bizarre stuff. Like he told us he was a green beret in the army. He wasn't. We know he wasn't. It makes no sense. It's really irritating when he says he'll be by our house at some time and shows uphours later. So we can't count on him to do anything.

Mil used to be pretty critical of our parenting. Then sil had a baby and she realized what a crazy person she was. But she is always nuts about her horses, prioritizing them over people. That has damaged my relationship with her. We'll never be close regardless.

Basically, I don't care for them and would never voluntarily spend time wiith them if not related.

tmac

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #15 on: March 09, 2015, 06:33:11 AM »
My MIL told me once that, because my stepson (then 6 years old) looks a little like his mother (DH's ex-wife), she doesn't know "how you keep yourself from kicking his fucking head in." I think she thought we were bonding.

For some reason, DH feels obligated to maintain contact with her, but I've been done for a long time.

infogoon

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #16 on: March 09, 2015, 07:20:22 AM »
My MIL told me once that, because my stepson (then 6 years old) looks a little like his mother (DH's ex-wife), she doesn't know "how you keep yourself from kicking his fucking head in." I think she thought we were bonding.

That's a wonderful anecdote. What charm school did she attend before her debut?

boy_bye

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #17 on: March 09, 2015, 08:38:57 AM »
My in-laws are The Best. So funny, so lovely, so generous and sweet and Scottish. They like to party but also have their shit very much together. I am an orphan and they have totally welcomed me into their family. They are excellent frugal role models, too -- true black belts who get a huge amount of enjoyment out of life without spending ridiculous amounts of money.

I feel like I won the in-law (and husband) lottery, to be honest.

frpeebles

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #18 on: March 09, 2015, 09:46:12 AM »
My SO is Afghani and was fresh off the boat when I locked target... and I'm a white atheist. Things have been... Interesting, to say the least.

And they live with us. Never a dull moment :(

Sibley

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #19 on: March 09, 2015, 01:57:40 PM »
My mom has the best "rule" regarding in-laws:

An individual must defend/protect/backup their spouse from their family, no matter what. No exceptions. Doesn't matter who's right. You back your spouse against your family, every time, without hesitation.

rocketpj

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #20 on: March 10, 2015, 10:33:26 AM »
My theory about in-law relationships is as follows:

We have a spouse whom we love.  Every person has good things about them - presumably lots of those since we got married.  There are also some aspects of our partners that chafe a bit here and there.  But, in the context of an entire relationship, we choose not to let those things bug us too much - because they are compensated by cuddles and other such goodness.

Now our in-laws come over and they have some of those same traits, without the cuddles and other compensation.  So when my MIL takes a flying leap to a negative conclusion about some minor thing I'm doing in the house, it pisses me off a little.  Because not only is it something I'm already a little sensitive about (since my DW does the same thing), there is no compensating goodness to balance it off.

So I make sure I am always ultra friendly and tolerant when inlaws are visiting.  And when MIL says something egregiously inappropriate I just smile and change the subject. 

That said, MIL still doesn't like me.  Not much I can do about it so screw it.  Just keep smiling.

MsGuided

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #21 on: March 11, 2015, 11:36:46 PM »
For those of you with wonderful or even ok in-laws, appreciate what you've got.  It's a blessing.  I knew my DH's family sucked before we got married but had NO IDEA how much of an impact their horrid-ness would have on our marriage.  My DH is a wonderful, normal guy.  I still marvel at how he turned out the way he did.  Either they stole him from the hospital at birth or parenting had no effect on him.

Like several of you with less than ideal in-laws, I would NEVER choose to befriend them or spend time with them if they weren't related to my husband.  But, b/c wants to keep a cordial but not close relationship with them, I swallow hard and spend time with them over a couple of holidays a year. They are long and hellish nights and days, but survivable.  We stay at their house and I try to spend a lot of time reading. They have no respect for boundaries, though, and will literally open a closed bedroom door, barge in, stand uncomfortably close to me and proceed to talk.  The one thing is, I rarely have to say much, my MIL can talk for hours without pause.  Saying incredibly hurtful and thoughtless thiings about me, people who are different from her, and story after story about how she's helped so many people and they are so grateful for her selflessness and wisdom.  Lucky, lucky them!

Frankies Girl

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #22 on: March 12, 2015, 12:06:32 AM »
For those of you with wonderful or even ok in-laws, appreciate what you've got.  It's a blessing.  I knew my DH's family sucked before we got married but had NO IDEA how much of an impact their horrid-ness would have on our marriage.  My DH is a wonderful, normal guy.  I still marvel at how he turned out the way he did.  Either they stole him from the hospital at birth or parenting had no effect on him.

Like several of you with less than ideal in-laws, I would NEVER choose to befriend them or spend time with them if they weren't related to my husband.  But, b/c wants to keep a cordial but not close relationship with them, I swallow hard and spend time with them over a couple of holidays a year. They are long and hellish nights and days, but survivable.  We stay at their house and I try to spend a lot of time reading. They have no respect for boundaries, though, and will literally open a closed bedroom door, barge in, stand uncomfortably close to me and proceed to talk.  The one thing is, I rarely have to say much, my MIL can talk for hours without pause.  Saying incredibly hurtful and thoughtless thiings about me, people who are different from her, and story after story about how she's helped so many people and they are so grateful for her selflessness and wisdom.  Lucky, lucky them!

Really bad inlaws here, and I'm also amazed that my husband is relatively normal all things considered.

We cut them off (husband's idea) for close to three years for some pretty horrible behavior, and then gave them a second chance... and MIL blew it big time and is back in full cut off. FIL was pretty much not the main issue - just a self-centered sort of guy that didn't really get involved with anything, but MIL more than made up for that by having a double helping of crazy. Total lack of boundaries, lack of respect for us as adults, and just being a nasty bitch for the most part. She can't change her behavior since she refuses to acknowledge that she does anything wrong. She would even rewrite history to make herself the victim in events we were witness to - and tell us we remembered things wrong. Ugh - VERY frustrating.

Husband may never speak to her again - and most of the family has also cut her off. Had to have extensive counseling to deal with the issues, and even the counselor said the MIL was pretty awful. We had recordings and letters and such to show as "proof" - that woman is a narcissistic drama queen and a never-wrong martyr who will lie (poorly) to your face about anything and everything - such a fun combo! ;)


Sunnymo

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #23 on: March 12, 2015, 12:38:33 AM »
I feel like I won the in-law (and husband) lottery, to be honest.

+1 to this when it comes to MIL & FIL. They married young and had DH young and I am the last child in my family. MIL is only 14 years older than me - can be a bit like a big sister/sounding board. FIL is mostly great but has his moments (I am warming to him a lot though). The good relationship helps as they only live 10 mins away; my parents are an hour and half away; we see the in laws regularly.

I also inherited three grandparents when we got married. I had to get used to the grandparent relationship all over again (mine are long gone). MIL's parents are still together (almost 63 years married), they are lovely people and live locally as well. FIL's mother I don't know so well but she seems okay, she lives almost 1000 miles away so we don't see her often.

BILs and wives are a different story...

BIL 1 and wife are, quite frankly not my favourite people. We have been going through fertility treatment for quite some time and have kept it to both sets of parents. Then DH told BIL to have someone else to talk to then the wife found out and all hell broke loose. BIL tore shreds off me for 15-20 minutes in front of MIL (DH had left on a work trip) I was so stunned I just stood there. That made for an interesting counselling session. The information was shared on a basis of 'don't ask us, we will tell if there is news'.

At Christmas I was newly pregnant but it was too soon to announce (I have since miscarried). I had been up since 3:30 in the morning, cooked lunch and eaten with my family and then we had driven back home for dinner with his family. I was understandably exhausted and with dinner delayed I lay down on the sofa. The wife then asks me if I was pregnant and I brushed it off but told DH and MIL. DH confronted the wife and she and BIL tried to justify themselves. They have decided to delay parenthood to focus on her musical career, if they have issues and ask us for help it is going to be very hard to be polite while refusing to help them.

BIL 2 and wife live 1200 miles away so we don't see them often. They are 15 & 20 years younger than me so finding things in common can be hard. Between the distance issues, the age difference and the wife being so quiet it can be hard to carry on a conversation but I don't have issues with them like I do the other couple.
« Last Edit: March 12, 2015, 12:44:17 AM by Sunnymo »

AlexK

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Re: How's your relationship with in-laws?
« Reply #24 on: March 13, 2015, 04:02:26 PM »
My wife is an only child and parents divorced. MIL just moved in with us because she lost her job and had to sell her house, she would be homeless otherwise. MIL is hard to get along with and my wife is her only friend. I've been trying to help her get a job and learn some marketable skills but it's tough. She wants to be a house flipper after taking a guru course.

FIL is broke too, conspiracy theorist to the extreme, but a nice guy. And self sufficient at least for now.

One thing that pissed me off last Friday night (normally date night for us) my wife went out to Sushi all by herself and left me home alone to eat with the MIL. She said she needed to get away. What about me??????? I have a broken leg so hard to leave the house but still. She tried to pull it again tonight but I put my foot down (OK foot stayed propped up but you know what I mean). MIL is leaving and we are getting pizza and a movie.