have you seen poly/mono work well?

[scrubbyfish]

Let me open by saying I respect polyamoury, and totally understand the difference between it and cheating/infidelity.

Edited to add: Just to clarify, since it's come up a few times already very early in the thread, I didn't intend to ask about whether polyamoury works, who can get the most partners, etc, but rather about whether people familiar with polyamoury have seen poly/mono work (and yadda yadda, see rest of thread for the q's).

I have a question, and I know that several people on the forum are poly, so I figured this is as good a place to ask as any. Hopefully some of the poly people, or others with close-up awareness about this, will happen to look at the 'Off Topic' category.

I have several friends that identify as polyamorous. Some do it truly cleanly, "to code" so to speak. Open, honest, resolving their own jealousies if those come up, encouraging their partners' other relationships and being truly happy for them, etc. It recently struck me that two of my friends, though, are not really doing that.

One wants more of an "open relationship", I guess, but in which only he is free to pursue other lovers. He doesn't directly put the kabosh on his primary partner doing so, but he exhibits passive-aggressive style resentment, anger, and vengeance -none of which fit the poly philosophy at all. Okay. Enough about that one.

Another is very open, honest, and careful with her live-in partner. She encourages him to also have other lovers, but he doesn't (because he doesn't want to). However, I finally just realized that when each of her last two partners opted to take on a new lover, she became furious and left them. She didn't say it was "because the person took another lover". She said it was "because the person didn't tell her right away/early enough". I believed her. But some more information has come to light that leads me to consider that she may in fact be very jealous, and in a big wad of denial about that.

Why should this matter to me? Because I believe the jealousy has now extended to me, and is affecting our platonic friendship. I trust my gut on this, so don't need feel I need advice about that specifically.

My question is: In the poly community, are there people who specifically identify as wanting relationships in which they can have multiple lovers while their partner would not? Is there a name for a designated poly/mono style of relationship (maybe I just said it)? I wonder because would like to read more about those. ETA: As the thread developed, I clarified the questions this way: Are there poly/mono relationships being done happily? Can anyone tell me about a relationship in which a poly person is with a monogamous person and they are both thrilled with the arrangement? Is this actually kind of common and I just don't know? I know some people felt so sad trying to live monogamously until they learned that polyamoury was an option... Are there poly people who feel like they "have to" fit in with some idea that if one partner is poly, then both have to be free to pursue other partners? Or is there a poly/mono community they get to be part of, identify with, be supported by?

[Gin1984]

Yes, fuckers.

[sol]

are there people who specifically identify as wanting relationships in which they can have multiple lovers while their partner would not?

I'm pretty sure this is just called infidelity.

[dios.del.sol]

My question is only: In the poly community, are there people who specifically identify as wanting relationships in which they can have multiple lovers while their partner would not? Is there a name for a designated poly/mono style of relationship (maybe I just said it)? I wonder because would like to read more about those.

Ahh.... Poly... Memories... I suppose that in poly anything is admissible as long as it's open, discussed, and agreed upon. I'm no expert in the taxonomy of poly, but this arrangement in particular strikes me as unworkable in most cases. It seems like the kind of poly that everyone wants. I get to sleep around and you don't. It's pretty much the reason that monogamy exists - so your partner doesn't pull this kind of poly on you.

Awaiting an expert answer.

[fa]

Interesting circle of friends.  None of the people I know have told me anything like that, but that doesn't mean they don't.  The asymmetry just seems wrong.  If one person can do it, why not the other.  I find it hard to imagine that such an open relationship can last long even if it is both sides.  Maybe I am just old school.

[scrubbyfish]

Well, definitely lots of open relationships last, as do lots of polyamourous ones... And it wouldn't be "infidelity" (i.e., unfaithfulness to a person or to an agreement) if the agreement between the two parties is being honoured/adhered to...   And a poly/mono relationship wouldn't be oppressive if the monogamous person was happy with the arrangement... 

And lots of people are naturally monogamous and don't crave to have more than one sex partner... Some asexual people are willing to have sex with a beloved, but would not want to have sex beyond that... So there are at least two situations that might have room for poly/mono... Hmmmm...  And it would be way awesomer for all involved if people who actually want poly/mono vs poly/poly could and would just say that...

I guess another way to phrase my question is: Are there poly/mono relationships being done happily? Can anyone tell me about a relationship in which a poly person is with a monogamous person and they are both thrilled with the arrangement? Is this actually kind of common and I just don't know? I know some people felt so sad trying to live monogamously until they learned that polyamoury was an option... Are there poly people who feel like they "have to" fit in with some idea that if one partner is poly, then both have to be free to pursue other partners? Or is there a poly/mono community they get to be part of, identify with, be supported by?

[Metta]

I guess another way to phrase my question is: Are there poly/mono relationships being done happily? Can anyone tell me about a relationship in which a poly person is with a monogamous person and they are both thrilled with the arrangement? Is this actually kind of common and I just don't know? I know some people felt so sad trying to live monogamously until they learned that polyamoury was an option... Are there poly people who feel like they "have to" fit in with some idea that if one partner is poly, then both have to be free to pursue other partners? Or is there a poly/mono community they get to be part of, identify with, be supported by?

I have seen poly/mono relationships that worked. Interestingly, they were mostly structured with the poly person being female - bi and with a female partner and a male (mono). My completely unconfirmed and evidence-free theory is that there is something gendered about sexual jealousy that doesn't arouse in the same way if the third person in a relationship is of the same gender as the poly person.

Also, jealousy can arise from purely platonic relationships just as easily as from sexual relationships. People who struggle with jealousy struggle with jealousy in a variety of ways.

[fa]

Isn't it so that most people need "something to hold on to"?  One thing would be a monogamous relationship.  An open relationship would introduce a lot of variability and unpredictability in someone's personal life.  Maybe this points to insecurity on my part, but if my SO proposed an open relationship, that alone would make me feel like the ground is shifting under my feet.  Strangely, I am very open to change in my life.  Just not in that arena.  Time for therapy sessions!  Bartered, of course.

[scrubbyfish]

Thank you, Metta! That's helpful.

And yes re: jealousy can come up anywhere. I think I've been surprised by the realization because I've known this person for many, many years and consider her to be quite self-aware. Today I'm newly suspecting that jealousy is a blind-spot for her.

Fa: I think some people are very drawn to monogamy and some are very drawn to polyamoury. One feels super secure and safe in one, another feels more secure and safe in the other. I'm naturally very monogamous, but I've watched friends blossom and grow in polyamoury, so I tend to believe that it truly suits them. But we monogamous people are perfectly healthy too! :)

[greaper007]

I don't see how poly could really work.    Unless you're male and very rich, very attractive, famous, or incredibly charming you simply can't find as many partners as your wife or girlfriend can.   At least I can't.     That means you can't really have an equal relationship.   

I'm very feminist, but lets face it.   All a woman has to do is let any man know she's open for business.   Men generally have a hard time finding partners for frequent casual sex.    Let alone partners that can accept that the sex won't lead to anything.

The exception to this rule would be if the man were bi.   From what I've observed, gay male sex seems to be about as easy as straight females finding male partners.

[scrubbyfish]

Just to clarify, since it's come up a few times already, I didn't intend to ask about whether polyamoury works, but rather about whether people familiar with, and having first-hand knowledge about, polyamoury have seen many happy situations of poly/mono (and yadda yadda, see previous posts for the q's). I'll pop this into the OP now, too.

I'm a little concerned about the misunderstandings in this thread, too, about what polyamoury is and isn't (e.g., I personally don't know anyone who is poly and looking for "frequent casual sex". That's usually a different thing.) I'm really hoping that we can focus on the question at hand. A thread can lose its focus so quickly, with the original question ending up unexplored.

[dios.del.sol]

I'm a little concerned about the misunderstandings in this thread, too, about what polyamoury is and isn't (e.g., I personally don't know anyone who is poly and looking for "frequent casual sex". That's usually a different thing.) I'm really hoping that we can focus on the question at hand. A thread can lose its focus so quickly, with the original question ending up unexplored.

Good luck. Poly is waaaay more foreign of a concept in our society than FIRE. Many brains just don't get it. Come to think of it, this is a good thing for future posters to keep in mind: before you just reject the idea out of hand, think of people who reject debt-free living out of hand - and realize how silly that is. Anyway, I have no direct or indirect experience with the poly/mono arrangement you're asking about.

[Gin1984]

Just to clarify, since it's come up a few times already, I didn't intend to ask about whether polyamoury works, but rather about whether people familiar with, and having first-hand knowledge about, polyamoury have seen many happy situations of poly/mono (and yadda yadda, see previous posts for the q's). I'll pop this into the OP now, too.

I'm a little concerned about the misunderstandings in this thread, too, about what polyamoury is and isn't (e.g., I personally don't know anyone who is poly and looking for "frequent casual sex". That's usually a different thing.) I'm really hoping that we can focus on the question at hand. A thread can lose its focus so quickly, with the original question ending up unexplored.

My response was to the question you put in the OP.

[Cookie78]

I am familiar with one mono/poly relationship as you describe it. Married couple. The wife is poly. When I met them, she also had a live in boyfriend. They also have a BDSM dynamic. She was very jealous, but her two boyfriends were not. She also had other casual relationships.

It happens. It CAN work, so long as all partners are on board with it. But I don't think it is stable very often. The boyfriend, in this case, wanted to date other people and she couldn't handle it, so he moved out and they broke up. The married couple is still going strong however. The husband is allowed to have sexual relations with her other partners if she is present.

I don't know of any specific support networks for that type of poly relationship, but I haven't looked, because it's not my type of poly. I couldn't date someone with those restrictions, and I would not feel comfortable placing those restrictions on any of my partners. If I get jealous, that's my issue and I work through it, I don't place restrictions on their lives due to my issues.

On a side note, there are LOTS of people who identify as monogamous, but date poly people. They are ALLOWED to date other people, they just don't want to. I can see a possible situation in which someone who falls under this category being ok with the type of relationship you describe. However, personally, even if I didn't want to date other people (and sometimes I don't) I'd have a big problem if I was prohibited from doing so.

[scrubbyfish]

My response was to the question you put in the OP.

Yes, totally understood :)    The question in the OP was: In the poly community, are there people who specifically identify as wanting relationships in which they can have multiple lovers while their partner would not? Is there a name for a designated poly/mono style of relationship (maybe I just said it)? Some posters started talking about whether polyamoury "works", whether it's desirable to them personally, etc. All perfectly lovely explorations, but moving away from the subject I'm hoping to get more info on. Hoping my edit of the OP will help.

Cookie78: Thanks! Helpful to hear all of those points, as well as nuances (e.g., there being lots of monogamous people dating poly people, but this being a different ball of wax from restrictions imposed externally).

[Cookie78]

Cookie78: Thanks! Helpful to hear all of those points, as well as nuances (e.g., there being lots of monogamous people dating poly people, but this being a different ball of wax from restrictions imposed externally).

No problem. :) Polyamory is my favorite discussion topic. :p

I agree 100% that monogamous people dating poly people is completely different than having those restriction imposed externally. My point was that those people might not mind having those restrictions, since they weren't planning on dating others anyway, resulting in a happy and successful mono/poly relationship. I don't think it's common, but it's certainly possible. :) Where it sucks is when the person being restricted does want to date other people, but their partner prohibits it, even though the partner dates other people. I can't imagine a scenario where that results in a long term healthy relationship.

I re-read your questions again. I don't know if there is a specific term for this type of relationship. Poly relationships come in every different shape, size, configuration, dynamic, etc. There are hundreds of labels, but everyone interprets them differently, which can cause confusion.

"Are there poly people who feel like they "have to" fit in with some idea that if one partner is poly, then both have to be free to pursue other partners?" This is typically the 'norm', but norms in polyamory can be troublesome because it's a make your own relationship sort of system. What works for me might not work for someone else. What's important is that it works for all people involved in the relationship. There are plenty of poly structures I wouldn't be happy in. You figure out what you want, and you find the people you are interested in who also want what you want.

[greaper007]

Just to clarify, since it's come up a few times already, I didn't intend to ask about whether polyamoury works, but rather about whether people familiar with, and having first-hand knowledge about, polyamoury have seen many happy situations of poly/mono (and yadda yadda, see previous posts for the q's). I'll pop this into the OP now, too.

I'm a little concerned about the misunderstandings in this thread, too, about what polyamoury is and isn't (e.g., I personally don't know anyone who is poly and looking for "frequent casual sex". That's usually a different thing.) I'm really hoping that we can focus on the question at hand. A thread can lose its focus so quickly, with the original question ending up unexplored.

Threads move, we have to put them out there in the world and expect that.   Sometimes you write a book and paint a picture and people get something completely different out of the art than what you intended and they're not wrong.

So, if you're not going for at least occasional casual sex, what's the point of poly?    I already have one relationship that's difficult enough, I've never lusted after having to deal with another partner for anything other than fun.    I have wanted to see a woman naked for the first time again, or remember the feeling of having someone put their hands in your pants for the first time again.

But, I've never thought "how hot would it be to have another person in my relationship that I could listen to and help through the difficult minutia of their day or help guide through difficult family relationships."    That sounds awful.    And if I opened up my relationship with my wife she could theoretically find 5 guys in a night that would sleep with her.   It would probably take me at least 3 weeks of hard work to find a chick that would be ok being the third in a relationship.  And I'm actually rather attractive, I used to be a model.    The numbers just don't work out, so I'd imagine the guy in this situation would have to be into some sort of cuckold fantasy.

[Cookie78]

Just to clarify, since it's come up a few times already, I didn't intend to ask about whether polyamoury works, but rather about whether people familiar with, and having first-hand knowledge about, polyamoury have seen many happy situations of poly/mono (and yadda yadda, see previous posts for the q's). I'll pop this into the OP now, too.

I'm a little concerned about the misunderstandings in this thread, too, about what polyamoury is and isn't (e.g., I personally don't know anyone who is poly and looking for "frequent casual sex". That's usually a different thing.) I'm really hoping that we can focus on the question at hand. A thread can lose its focus so quickly, with the original question ending up unexplored.

Threads move, we have to put them out there in the world and expect that.   Sometimes you write a book and paint a picture and people get something completely different out of the art than what you intended and they're not wrong.

So, if you're not going for at least occasional casual sex, what's the point of poly?    I already have one relationship that's difficult enough, I've never lusted after having to deal with another partner for anything other than fun.    I have wanted to see a woman naked for the first time again, or remember the feeling of having someone put their hands in your pants for the first time again.

But, I've never thought "how hot would it be to have another person in my relationship that I could listen to and help through the difficult minutia of their day or help guide through difficult family relationships."    That sounds awful.    And if I opened up my relationship with my wife she could theoretically find 5 guys in a night that would sleep with her.   It would probably take me at least 3 weeks of hard work to find a chick that would be ok being the third in a relationship.  And I'm actually rather attractive, I used to be a model.    The numbers just don't work out, so I'd imagine the guy in this situation would have to be into some sort of cuckold fantasy.

This is where labels get tricky.
There's a spectrum of open relationships between swinging, which is strictly sexual, and polyamory, which has more to do with relationships. Your comments about casual sex imply that you are talking about something more towards the swinging end of the spectrum. I think that's where the confusion lies. IF you are just interested in casual sex, then it's not technically polyamorous, at least in the opinions of those who are strict with labels. I don't personally care, identify however you like, it's just going to get confusing when people have different meanings for labels.

[scrubbyfish]

Threads move, we have to put them out there in the world and expect that.

Agreed. My hope is that with anyone's thread anywhere, the focus question can be addressed at least somewhat before we move into tangents, though. After it is, I have little attachment to where else it goes. We had it off on tangents before we'd even explored the original question! I appreciate that there were some genuine misunderstandings/confusions, and am grateful that a couple of people have been keen to respond to my query, too. That's been very helpful for me!

[HappierAtHome]

We have friends who are poly/mono. She's poly, he's free to have other partners too but just isn't interested. I don't know them well enough to be able to ask about that aspect of their relationship (I know about their poly/mono status from a gossipy third party), but they've been together for a very long time and come across as very happy and loving. I think she keeps her other partner/s very, very quiet as they both work in a conservative field where people really wouldn't understand.

[matchewed]

This may not add anything to the conversation but here goes.

My SO was talking about how she listened to the radio and a woman came on who wanted advice on how to deal with coming out as poly to family/work given that her taking turns with bringing one boyfriend over the other to various functions was causing jealousy. She didn't get any advice from what I could tell but she did get a great deal of support.

The rest of my conversation with my SO was about how tricky that would be given the less acceptance and difficulty in determining the dynamics of any particular poly relationship.

I don't have any poly friends personally so I can't tell you whether it works or not. But my stab at it would go like this -

Do monogamous relationships sometimes work and sometimes not work? Yes, and we'd answer that it depends on the people. I'd assume that the same rules apply, just expanded to more than one individual. If you can trust, love, respect, and grow/help grow with a person(s) then the relationship can work. In some way it can be thought that we're all in polyamorous relationships, just with varying degrees of sexual, romantic, and friendship types of intimacy.

[scrubbyfish]

HappierAtHome: Thank you for sharing your observation of a poly/mono relationship near you!

...posters to keep in mind: before you just reject the idea out of hand, think of people who reject debt-free living out of hand - and realize how silly that is.

dios.del.sol: That's a great point! This applies to anything and everything we reject out of hand, of course.

In some way it can be thought that we're all in polyamorous relationships, just with varying degrees of sexual, romantic, and friendship types of intimacy.

matchewed: I like that thought :)   I've had a similar one before.

And yeah, I've seen lots of poly work, at about the same rate that I've seen monogamy work, and it makes sense that a mutually celebrated poly/mono blend would have about the same success rate as either of these because, as Cookie78 indicated, what ultimately determines whether any approach will or won't work depends entirely on how well matched the approach is to each person in it.

I see now, more clearly thanks to this thread, that what I've been uncomfortable with is in observing these two friends demand freedom, state the other has the same, but then act all whacky when their partner acts on it. This is the heart of my discomfort in these two cases, I now understand. A mutually celebrated poly/mono probably works at the same rates that mutually celebrated poly or mutually celebrated monogamy do... but passive-aggression within poly/mono will be as disconcerting and destructive as it is anywhere. I'm sad about what I've realized I'm seeing.

[greaper007]

Just to clarify, since it's come up a few times already, I didn't intend to ask about whether polyamoury works, but rather about whether people familiar with, and having first-hand knowledge about, polyamoury have seen many happy situations of poly/mono (and yadda yadda, see previous posts for the q's). I'll pop this into the OP now, too.

I'm a little concerned about the misunderstandings in this thread, too, about what polyamoury is and isn't (e.g., I personally don't know anyone who is poly and looking for "frequent casual sex". That's usually a different thing.) I'm really hoping that we can focus on the question at hand. A thread can lose its focus so quickly, with the original question ending up unexplored.

Threads move, we have to put them out there in the world and expect that.   Sometimes you write a book and paint a picture and people get something completely different out of the art than what you intended and they're not wrong.

So, if you're not going for at least occasional casual sex, what's the point of poly?    I already have one relationship that's difficult enough, I've never lusted after having to deal with another partner for anything other than fun.    I have wanted to see a woman naked for the first time again, or remember the feeling of having someone put their hands in your pants for the first time again.

But, I've never thought "how hot would it be to have another person in my relationship that I could listen to and help through the difficult minutia of their day or help guide through difficult family relationships."    That sounds awful.    And if I opened up my relationship with my wife she could theoretically find 5 guys in a night that would sleep with her.   It would probably take me at least 3 weeks of hard work to find a chick that would be ok being the third in a relationship.  And I'm actually rather attractive, I used to be a model.    The numbers just don't work out, so I'd imagine the guy in this situation would have to be into some sort of cuckold fantasy.

This is where labels get tricky.
There's a spectrum of open relationships between swinging, which is strictly sexual, and polyamory, which has more to do with relationships. Your comments about casual sex imply that you are talking about something more towards the swinging end of the spectrum. I think that's where the confusion lies. IF you are just interested in casual sex, then it's not technically polyamorous, at least in the opinions of those who are strict with labels. I don't personally care, identify however you like, it's just going to get confusing when people have different meanings for labels.

From what I've observed, swinging usually involves both partners being involved in an interaction.   Often it seems that couples will swap partners in some fashion.    That makes sense, two penises, two vaginas.  Or two vaginas one penis, or a hockey team worth of penis and one vagina.    Everyone can chose what they want from the buffet.

I've been reading Savage Love for years, and when it comes to poly I've noticed that the majority of letters are from men.   Men that are having difficulty finding partners while their gf or wife is banging the night away.    Dan always responds that it's just not a system that's setup for straight men and they'll probably have to get some help from their so to find willing female partners.

I just don't seem how you could have equity in a relationship like this, unless by some strange turn of events you were a man that wasn't interested in sex.   I haven't met very many of those though.

[sol]

There is a highly dubious field of "science" that calls itself Evolutionary Psychology (EP) that attempts to address many of the concerns brought up here.

Basically, the theory is that women choose mates based on their ability to provide security and men choose mates based on their ability to provide healthy children.  Lots of other stuff flows from that assumption, including differing views on infidelity and jealousy.

For example EP suggests that a man should be more jealous when his female partner has sex with another man than when she has sex with another woman, because only sex with a man might cuckold him and he doesn't care about anything else.  Conversely, it suggests that women are much more likely to forgive their male partner for meaningless one-time sex with another partner than they are to forgive him for an ongoing and very involved but non-sexual relationship, because only the latter threatens her economic security by subdividing the resources he can provide.

These ideas roughly concur with the scenarios presented above, for example the poly/mono pairing only working when it is a poly bi woman with a female second partner.  That scenario doesn't threaten the man's certainty of paternity, so he's fine with it.  It also might explain why the OP's female friend freaks out when her male partner strays, especially if the male partner is the primary breadwinner and resources are scarce.

In broad outline, EP is full of ugly stereotypes.  They generally try to excuse this by saying these preferences are deeply ingrained by millions of years of evolution in a very unenlightened society, and that recent advances in gender equality are great but run counter to our biological programming.  Some people think this means we are slaves to our biology, while others think it means we can learn to behave better by recognizing and understanding our basest biological impulses without being controlled by them.

[Cookie78]

Just to clarify, since it's come up a few times already, I didn't intend to ask about whether polyamoury works, but rather about whether people familiar with, and having first-hand knowledge about, polyamoury have seen many happy situations of poly/mono (and yadda yadda, see previous posts for the q's). I'll pop this into the OP now, too.

I'm a little concerned about the misunderstandings in this thread, too, about what polyamoury is and isn't (e.g., I personally don't know anyone who is poly and looking for "frequent casual sex". That's usually a different thing.) I'm really hoping that we can focus on the question at hand. A thread can lose its focus so quickly, with the original question ending up unexplored.

Threads move, we have to put them out there in the world and expect that.   Sometimes you write a book and paint a picture and people get something completely different out of the art than what you intended and they're not wrong.

So, if you're not going for at least occasional casual sex, what's the point of poly?    I already have one relationship that's difficult enough, I've never lusted after having to deal with another partner for anything other than fun.    I have wanted to see a woman naked for the first time again, or remember the feeling of having someone put their hands in your pants for the first time again.

But, I've never thought "how hot would it be to have another person in my relationship that I could listen to and help through the difficult minutia of their day or help guide through difficult family relationships."    That sounds awful.    And if I opened up my relationship with my wife she could theoretically find 5 guys in a night that would sleep with her.   It would probably take me at least 3 weeks of hard work to find a chick that would be ok being the third in a relationship.  And I'm actually rather attractive, I used to be a model.    The numbers just don't work out, so I'd imagine the guy in this situation would have to be into some sort of cuckold fantasy.

This is where labels get tricky.
There's a spectrum of open relationships between swinging, which is strictly sexual, and polyamory, which has more to do with relationships. Your comments about casual sex imply that you are talking about something more towards the swinging end of the spectrum. I think that's where the confusion lies. IF you are just interested in casual sex, then it's not technically polyamorous, at least in the opinions of those who are strict with labels. I don't personally care, identify however you like, it's just going to get confusing when people have different meanings for labels.

From what I've observed, swinging usually involves both partners being involved in an interaction.   Often it seems that couples will swap partners in some fashion.    That makes sense, two penises, two vaginas.  Or two vaginas one penis, or a hockey team worth of penis and one vagina.    Everyone can chose what they want from the buffet.

I've been reading Savage Love for years, and when it comes to poly I've noticed that the majority of letters are from men.   Men that are having difficulty finding partners while their gf or wife is banging the night away.    Dan always responds that it's just not a system that's setup for straight men and they'll probably have to get some help from their so to find willing female partners.

I just don't seem how you could have equity in a relationship like this, unless by some strange turn of events you were a man that wasn't interested in sex.   I haven't met very many of those though.

I've never been into swinging since casual sex isn't my thing, but I've met many couples who were swingers that decided to transition towards polyamory because swinging started feeling empty. I think that many couples would require both partners to be involved, but many wouldn't.

It is true that men often have a harder time finding partners, especially if what they are looking for is just to 'bang the night away'. I also know female partners of a relationship to struggle more than their husbands to find meaningful relationships because thy guys they meet are only interested in casual sex. In my experience, my male partner has no problem with finding other partners for casual sex. He would argue that it is still easier for me, but I disagree, only because I am much more picky and I am not interested in casual sex, so what I am looking for is different than him. My female partner, however, is into casual sex. She's also 19, super sweet, and hot as hell, so she gets anything she wants (she's laughing hysterically as she reads this).

Equity is a funny thing to strive for. It's a common topic with new poly couples and I tried to maintain some sort of equity when we started too. But it's counter-productive for each partner to try to limit themselves to try to maintain equity. Some times one partner will have more, other times another partner will have more. You learn to deal with that and quit it with the self pity parties pretty quickly. Also compersion (being happy for your partner's happiness with other people) helps a lot.

[Cookie78]

There is a highly dubious field of "science" that calls itself Evolutionary Psychology (EP) that attempts to address many of the concerns brought up here.

Basically, the theory is that women choose mates based on their ability to provide security and men choose mates based on their ability to provide healthy children.  Lots of other stuff flows from that assumption, including differing views on infidelity and jealousy.

For example EP suggests that a man should be more jealous when his female partner has sex with another man than when she has sex with another woman, because only sex with a man might cuckold him and he doesn't care about anything else.  Conversely, it suggests that women are much more likely to forgive their male partner for meaningless one-time sex with another partner than they are to forgive him for an ongoing and very involved but non-sexual relationship, because only the latter threatens her economic security by subdividing the resources he can provide.

These ideas roughly concur with the scenarios presented above, for example the poly/mono pairing only working when it is a poly bi woman with a female second partner.  That scenario doesn't threaten the man's certainty of paternity, so he's fine with it.  It also might explain why the OP's female friend freaks out when her male partner strays, especially if the male partner is the primary breadwinner and resources are scarce.

In broad outline, EP is full of ugly stereotypes.  They generally try to excuse this by saying these preferences are deeply ingrained by millions of years of evolution in a very unenlightened society, and that recent advances in gender equality are great but run counter to our biological programming.  Some people think this means we are slaves to our biology, while others think it means we can learn to behave better by recognizing and understanding our basest biological impulses without being controlled by them.

I'm reading a book right now you might be really interest in checking out. It's called 'Sex at Dawn'. It's made me think twice whenever I hear 'biological programming' or 'millions of years of evolution'. There's so much we don't know yet, and so much that is assumed based on our current framework. I'm not finished the book yet, but it's really fascinating.

Here's the summary copied from Amazon.ca

"Since Darwin's day, we've been told that sexual monogamy comes naturally to our species. Mainstream science—as well as religious and cultural institutions—has maintained that men and women evolved in families in which a man's possessions and protection were exchanged for a woman's fertility and fidelity. But this narrative is collapsing. Fewer and fewer couples are getting married, and divorce rates keep climbing as adultery and flagging libido drag down even seemingly solid marriages.

How can reality be reconciled with the accepted narrative? It can't be, according to renegade thinkers Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethå. While debunking almost everything we "know" about sex, they offer a bold alternative explanation in this provocative and brilliant book.

Ryan and Jethå's central contention is that human beings evolved in egalitarian groups that shared food, child care, and, often, sexual partners. Weaving together convergent, frequently overlooked evidence from anthropology, archaeology, primatology, anatomy, and psychosexuality, the authors show how far from human nature monogamy really is. Human beings everywhere and in every era have confronted the same familiar, intimate situations in surprisingly different ways. The authors expose the ancient roots of human sexuality while pointing toward a more optimistic future illuminated by our innate capacities for love, cooperation, and generosity.

With intelligence, humor, and wonder, Ryan and Jethå show how our promiscuous past haunts our struggles over monogamy, sexual orientation, and family dynamics. They explore why long-term fidelity can be so difficult for so many; why sexual passion tends to fade even as love deepens; why many middle-aged men risk everything for transient affairs with younger women; why homosexuality persists in the face of standard evolutionary logic; and what the human body reveals about the prehistoric origins of modern sexuality.

In the tradition of the best historical and scientific writing, Sex at Dawn unapologetically upends unwarranted assumptions and unfounded conclusions while offering a revolutionary understanding of why we live and love as we do."

[snafuing1]

My question is: In the poly community, are there people who specifically identify as wanting relationships in which they can have multiple lovers while their partner would not? Is there a name for a designated poly/mono style of relationship (maybe I just said it)? I wonder because would like to read more about those. ETA: As the thread developed, I clarified the questions this way: Are there poly/mono relationships being done happily? Can anyone tell me about a relationship in which a poly person is with a monogamous person and they are both thrilled with the arrangement? Is this actually kind of common and I just don't know? I know some people felt so sad trying to live monogamously until they learned that polyamoury was an option... Are there poly people who feel like they "have to" fit in with some idea that if one partner is poly, then both have to be free to pursue other partners? Or is there a poly/mono community they get to be part of, identify with, be supported by?

I practice fully open polyamory. I have two live-in partners, my girlfriend of 3.5 years and my husband who I've been with for a total of 8 years. They are very close but not romantically/sexually. By fully open and polyamorous I mean that we are all free to do everything from one-night stands to friends with benefits to other girlfriends and boyfriends to lifetime commitment with whomever we choose, whenever we choose, so long as we keep each other informed and stick to certain safer-sex agreements.

HOWEVER. My husband has never dated anyone other than me. Though, he has done a bit of sleeping around here and there. He is just not interested in having other romantic relationships. In that sense, we are kind of mono/poly. It works for us because it's 100% his choice, and because I have demonstrated to him over the years that my love and commitment to him will not be shaken by what I do with other people.

A lot of other poly people have really questioned us because of this--like we are somehow not "true poly" because he does not want to date others. To those people I say "ehh fuck off," because if my partners are happy and I'm happy I couldn't care less about the judgment of others. It is true that some might be influenced by this sort of thing, but we are happy and proud to kinda inequally poly! It is a bit of an ego boost to me that he only wants to be with me. On the other hand, I also enjoy that my girlfriend does date others. She is dating 2 other awesome women, and I love that they make her happy because I love her being happy! I also find that I naturally have a lot in common with the people she's interested in! One day she may reach a point in one of her other relationships that she wants that person to move in with us and combine households, which obviously would be awesome, because we are all mustachians and economies of scale are pretty freaking nifty!

It's also funny to me that the people in this thread have either seen or assume that in a hetero poly relationship the female has a natural advantage. In my local poly community we have a term "OPP" or "one penis policy" because it is so common for poly groups to be one man with multiple women who are monogamous to him, or only date each other, while he is free to seek others outside the group. Some people in this arrangement hate it; some love it and even seem to get off on it. I can't say I understand why the former group continues that rule, but to the latter group, I'd only say "get it girl, more power to you!"

In a broader sense, I know of a lot of other examples of polyamorous couples or groups who have relationship agreements that are lopsided. It is my opinion that if you have to make rules for your significant other to follow, it is because you are incompatible. Someone who wants polyamory for themselves and monogamy for their partner should seek people who get off on that sort of thing, not try to strong-arm an unwilling lover into that arrangement. Of course, not all incompatibilities totally poison a relationship, and I'd venture that even the best relationship you can find has small incompatibilities here and there. But if they are big enough that you need to make a rule because you can't live with the relationship without one, you should ask yourself if the juice is really worth the squeeze.

The bottom line is that really, poly relationships are mostly just like mono relationships. Most relationships fail, period. Everyone experiences relationship problems at some point or another. Some people are controlling, some people are dicks, some people are doormats, in all orientations.

[scrubbyfish]

WOW. snafuing1, that was awesome. So glad I asked!!!

Everyone: It really is so...soothing/refreshing/delightful/delicious to be able to bring a very specific question that is niggling at one's brain and heart and have it answered!! Thank you all for participating in this thread!

[jka468]

She's poly, he's free to have other partners too but just isn't interested.

Interesting how this seems to end up being the vast majority of "poly" relationships, from what I've actually seen and what I've read in threads like these. The guys in these relationships must be doing some Olympic level mental gymnastics so that their egos don't end up shattering. "Yea, I could totally sleep with and have relationships with as many women as I want, but nah, I'm cool, I don't choo-choo-chooooose to do it, I'm more enlightened than that". Lolz.

In the few poly relationships that I've seen firsthand, the women has been the "poly" one, and the guys have basically had 1,000yd stares and looked desperate enough to be thanking their lucky stars that any woman was willing to sleep with them, even if she was sleeping with multiple other men and women. So, can this work? Yea, if you find this specific type of "man". Just reporting on what I've seen.

Oh, +1 to everything greaper007 said too.


 

[Cookie78]

She's poly, he's free to have other partners too but just isn't interested.

Interesting how this seems to end up being the vast majority of "poly" relationships, from what I've actually seen and what I've read in threads like these. The guys in these relationships must be doing some Olympic level mental gymnastics so that their egos don't end up shattering. "Yea, I could totally sleep with and have relationships with as many women as I want, but nah, I'm cool, I don't choo-choo-chooooose to do it, I'm more enlightened than that". Lolz.

In the few poly relationships that I've seen firsthand, the women has been the "poly" one, and the guys have basically had 1,000yd stares and looked desperate enough to be thanking their lucky stars that any woman was willing to sleep with them, even if she was sleeping with multiple other men and women. So, can this work? Yea, if you find this specific type of "man". Just reporting on what I've seen.

Oh, +1 to everything greaper007 said too.

There are plenty of types of poly. No type is a 'vast majority'. And it's nothing to do with being 'more enlightened'. It has to do with choices and desires. I don't know where you are meeting poly people, but I've met very few as you describe them (ie: 1,000yd stares).

[Cromacster]

She's poly, he's free to have other partners too but just isn't interested.

Interesting how this seems to end up being the vast majority of "poly" relationships, from what I've actually seen and what I've read in threads like these. The guys in these relationships must be doing some Olympic level mental gymnastics so that their egos don't end up shattering. "Yea, I could totally sleep with and have relationships with as many women as I want, but nah, I'm cool, I don't choo-choo-chooooose to do it, I'm more enlightened than that". Lolz.

In the few poly relationships that I've seen firsthand, the women has been the "poly" one, and the guys have basically had 1,000yd stares and looked desperate enough to be thanking their lucky stars that any woman was willing to sleep with them, even if she was sleeping with multiple other men and women. So, can this work? Yea, if you find this specific type of "man". Just reporting on what I've seen.

Oh, +1 to everything greaper007 said too.

There are plenty of types of poly. No type is a 'vast majority'. And it's nothing to do with being 'more enlightened'. It has to do with choices and desires. I don't know where you are meeting poly people, but I've met very few as you describe them (ie: 1,000yd stares).

I Feel Poly is one of those topics that suffers from confirmation bias.  The relationships you typically hear about are after a breakup or some curfuffle within the relationship.  Or if one partner has an issue and is seeking advice etc.  You don't hear about the successful ones unless you know them.

[Roland of Gilead]

Here are my real world experiences (with friends, not us)

poly relationships: 1

failure/divorce of primary couple: 1

mono relationships: 8

failure/divorce of primary couple: 3

On the surface it would almost seem that neither poly or mono works.

[scrubbyfish]

On the surface it would almost seem that neither poly or mono works.

:)    I love your data chart, Roland of Gilead! Yes, most poly relationships end at some point before one partner's death by old age, and most mono relationships end at some point before one partner's death by old age, but how do the partnerships of one poly/one mono fare? ;)   jk, probably at about the same rates.

Another nuance to all of this is the concept of "success". Some people believe a relationship "succeeds" only if it ends with a death (and one not by the other's hand). To me, that is a very limited concept. So, when I ask whether something "works well", I don't specifically mean "did they maintain that precise, unchanging arrangement until one of them died of old age?" but rather, "Did each person involved feel tremendous joy in the arrangement for as long as they chose to have the arrangement?" The latter is what I had been curious about in relationships in which one person is poly and one is monogamous. And now I understand that, yes, there are relationships in which one person is naturally polyamorous and one person is naturally monogamous and each feels tremendous joy in the arrangement so far.

On one of the other subtopics... For what it's worth, I know several poly guys who have several women partners, and say they are very happy with the number of partners. And I don't know any wealthy ones that are models, etc! Just kind men who meet the needs of their women partners sufficient that each of several woman chooses him. (I would venture that some men excel at meeting the needs of more than one woman at once, and also that there are women who would far rather have their core needs met in a less common form of relationship than to live within a more common form of relationship in which their core needs are not met.)

[SisterX]

"Did each person involved feel tremendous joy in the arrangement for as long as they chose to have the arrangement?"

I think that's a lovely way to judge the success of a relationship.  I've always thought it sad that when two people divorce amicably and are both happy with the arrangement it's still considered "a tragedy".

I don't really have anything to add about the poly relationships because I only know that I know of one and...well, let's just say that the person I know (distantly) in the relationship has plenty of personal issues, so I don't know how much that clouds her relationships. 

However, I have read a lot about sexuality.  Scrubbyfish, you were talking about some varying levels of sexual need.  It's very true that some people need more or less sex than others, and studies have borne that out.  I think that often monogamous relationships that work last a long time because both parties are on an equal page about sexual needs.  That is, both parties need roughly the same amount/kind of sex (neither party has a fetish that's going unfulfilled, both are happy with the amount of sex they have) so they have no need to look elsewhere.  People in poly relationships might not have found that same fulfillment with just their primary partner?  (Feel free to chime in, poly people.)  For instance, several people have noted that their primary partner is a man but they have a girlfriend as well.  Obviously, a male partner is not going to fulfill the same sexual needs as a female partner, even if the amount of sex with the primary partner is perfectly satisfactory.
This is also not to say that a poly relationship is just about sex.  (That would be more on the swingers end of things, I believe?)  There could be emotional needs met through the poly relationship which a mono one just could not fulfill, but I think that's true for everybody.  Someone brought up the idea that all of us are poly, it's just that some of us use it solely for emotional support, not the sex.  I really like that idea.  Neither my husband nor I depends solely on the other for all of our emotional needs, and actually my first instinct upon seeing the "ridiculously happy relationship" thread was to talk about my best friend!  (She's awesome, and we became friends nearly 20 years ago.)
Did I totally butcher that thought?  Am I way off-base?

[Cookie78]

I Feel Poly is one of those topics that suffers from confirmation bias.  The relationships you typically hear about are after a breakup or some curfuffle within the relationship.  Or if one partner has an issue and is seeking advice etc.  You don't hear about the successful ones unless you know them.

Agreed completely! I am surrounded by successful poly relationships all the time and forget that many people are generally unfamiliar except for one or two dramatic stories they've heard from a friend.

Another nuance to all of this is the concept of "success". Some people believe a relationship "succeeds" only if it ends with a death (and one not by the other's hand). To me, that is a very limited concept. So, when I ask whether something "works well", I don't specifically mean "did they maintain that precise, unchanging arrangement until one of them died of old age?" but rather, "Did each person involved feel tremendous joy in the arrangement for as long as they chose to have the arrangement?"

This is a really good point. I've been hearing it a lot lately. I've had a few relationships that ended that I still consider successful in their own way. Some of them are still great friends, others have drifted away, but ended without any negativity. Not all relationships are meant to be forever. I could say the same about friendships. I have a childhood friend who I now talk to every couple years at best. She's still someone I consider a friend even though we have very little communication.

On one of the other subtopics... For what it's worth, I know several poly guys who have several women partners, and say they are very happy with the number of partners. And I don't know any wealthy ones that are models, etc! Just kind men who meet the needs of their women partners sufficient that each of several woman chooses him. (I would venture that some men excel at meeting the needs of more than one woman at once, and also that there are women who would far rather have their core needs met in a less common form of relationship than to live within a more common form of relationship in which their core needs are not met.)

Well said. I also know plenty of polyamorous men that have no problems finding women to date.

However, I have read a lot about sexuality.  Scrubbyfish, you were talking about some varying levels of sexual need.  It's very true that some people need more or less sex than others, and studies have borne that out.  I think that often monogamous relationships that work last a long time because both parties are on an equal page about sexual needs.  That is, both parties need roughly the same amount/kind of sex (neither party has a fetish that's going unfulfilled, both are happy with the amount of sex they have) so they have no need to look elsewhere.  People in poly relationships might not have found that same fulfillment with just their primary partner?  (Feel free to chime in, poly people.)  For instance, several people have noted that their primary partner is a man but they have a girlfriend as well.  Obviously, a male partner is not going to fulfill the same sexual needs as a female partner, even if the amount of sex with the primary partner is perfectly satisfactory.
This is also not to say that a poly relationship is just about sex.  (That would be more on the swingers end of things, I believe?)  There could be emotional needs met through the poly relationship which a mono one just could not fulfill, but I think that's true for everybody.  Someone brought up the idea that all of us are poly, it's just that some of us use it solely for emotional support, not the sex.  I really like that idea.  Neither my husband nor I depends solely on the other for all of our emotional needs, and actually my first instinct upon seeing the "ridiculously happy relationship" thread was to talk about my best friend!  (She's awesome, and we became friends nearly 20 years ago.)
Did I totally butcher that thought?  Am I way off-base?

I think you are correct and not at all off-base. In a lot of cases polyamorous people are poly because they can get more of their needs met that way, for the reasons you have explained and others. For some people their needs may simply include being free to meet and explore new people and new relationships. Given the rate of infidelity I think more people have that need than they realize.

In my case it started because of a long distance relationship, though I had been thinking about it before I met him. Hard to meet all of the needs from different countries. But even during the time we lived together (when I took a 6 month leave of absence from work last winter) neither of us wanted to be monogamous. The amount of communication and personal growth learning how to deal with poly stuff has been unfathomable. We've learned way too much about ourselves and each other to ever want to go back to monogamy, even when we are living together permanently.

[Cookie78]

I finished my post and went to look at a poly blog and saw this on the second link...

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201411/polymono-or-monopoly-0

[scrubbyfish]

I think that often monogamous relationships that work last a long time because both parties are on an equal page about sexual needs.  That is, both parties need roughly the same amount/kind of sex (neither party has a fetish that's going unfulfilled, both are happy with the amount of sex they have) so they have no need to look elsewhere.

Yes! That is, I know I've read in relationship literature exactly this, that one of the strong determinants of whether a relationship will be sustainably happy is whether the sexual needs align beautifully. I'm betting this came from study of monogamous relationships, and will have to adjust for the increasing awareness of other forms.

Also, one poly friend (female) is with someone (male) who is essentially asexual. They ADORE each other, and have so much good in their marriage. But the sexual misalignment -I believe the only aspect in their relationship that wasn't aligned- came to a head. Their sex was rare and limited. He was pained that he was not able to fulfill her range of needs (frequency, type, etc) and she didn't feel she could go eternally without these being met. She now has other partners -with his blessing- and clear agreement about any boundaries, and they continue happily. I notice that with her husband, she approaches (their relatively rare) sex as a way to foster intimacy, while with her other partners, she approaches sex more as a therapy. Also, her needs are such that I don't believe any one person on the planet could fulfill them. She feels a need for 18-24 hours of sex per week, and that's just the time need! I hope that if her husband does choose another partner one day, that she will be able to offer the same generosity of spirit.

...my first instinct upon seeing the "ridiculously happy relationship" thread was to talk about my best friend!  (She's awesome, and we became friends nearly 20 years ago.)

What a beautiful thought!! Sounds like the epitome of a successful relationship to me! :)

[scrubbyfish]

I finished my post and went to look at a poly blog and saw this on the second link...
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201411/polymono-or-monopoly-0

Oh my goodness!!! That's crazy! And awesome! Thanks, Cookie78! It hadn't even occurred to me that this would be Googleable.

[scrubbyfish]

Scrubbyfish, have you discussed this jealousy with your friend?  I can definitely believe that her romantic relationship dynamics would affect your platonic friendship, and that absolutely concerns you.  I had a hard time talking with my friend when he was in his poly marriage because I didn't know how to comfort or address the jealousy/resentment/uneasiness he had other than to generally be supportive.  It's tough, I'm sorry this is affecting you.

Thanks, ChransStache :)   This aspect feels really okay for me. My sadness was only in realizing that two poly friends are getting angry when their partners are with another, and not doing anything to heal that for their partners' freedom, but rather just exploding, exacting passive-aggressive vengeance, etc.

It was initially a surprise/shock when I realized one is willing to manipulate me because she experiences jealousy over me and others, but it doesn't feel like too big a deal. It just "is", and now that I know it, I can accept it and live according to what I know now. (She doesn't want to talk about it.) It doesn't impact my day to day life at all, so not too big a loss.

[Cecil]

My wife and I are happily poly. (In fact, she's spending the night at her bf's tonight). We got there by opening up a long term monogamous marriage. We are very plugged into the local community, and have a wide variety of partners with varying degrees of commitment. The most important people in our life are her bf of just over a year, and our girlfriend of ~2-3 years (depending on where you count from).

It comes very naturally to her. She says things like "I'd be overjoyed if you found a girl you fell madly in love with". I don't think she's ever felt jealous about anything.

The road was harder for me - I had a lot of monogamous programming ingrained in me at an early age that I needed to process and deal with. It was a very difficult year for me to learn to be happy about having that depth of emotions for other people. But now that I'm there, I love it and wouldn't wish for anything else.

I don't know if long-term mono/poly can work well. I mean, obviously some people do it, but the odds of it working are pretty low I think. There's a whole section on it in the new book "More Than Two", and they pretty much agree that it's the most difficult relationship structure.

I actually don't know any poly/mono couples in the community. There are definitely people in relationships where one person has no other partners, but that's more due to circumstance than anything else. I'd say that's probably because relationships like that tend not to last. Or perhaps they tend not to be an involved in the community?

One nice thing about poly is it opens you up to relationships with people you would never consider dating monogamously. There's so much possibility for personal growth and new experiences that you'd otherwise miss out on just because they aren't life-partner material.

[scrubbyfish]

There's a whole section on it in the new book "More Than Two"...

There is?!?!? Excellent! I will look that up. Thanks, Cecil.

Sidebar 1: This thread leaves me curious as to what my ideal relationship type would be. I love being alone and single, so that's a strong contender. Monogamy is very easy/natural for me, so that's an option, too. I tend to think my ideal would be monogamy with a fellow Solitary, such that we spend time in our separate cabins, come together for connection, then move apart again to do our happy silly alone stuff. But then I'd want them to come to parties with me too, lol.

Sidebar 2: Polys, how many Super Introverts are in your poly communities? Do you think Super Introversion factors in to how many partners a person tends to find ideal for them?

[ethereality]

I've always been interested in the concept of poly, and felt so certain that it was for me. Then, during a long distance relationship, my boyfriend and I opened up the relationship and I had an immensely difficult time reprogramming - despite me supporting the logic behind why people are polyamorous, and interested intellectually, I struggled with jealousy, even while I enjoyed meeting new people and dating. A complete contradiction in my brain. Long story short, my partner definitely would be the poly and I the mono, but we haven't found a way to make it work, so until then, we're back in a mono relationship. For now, being together is more important, but we're young and haven't dated that long, so another round of experimentation may be up in the future.

[Cookie78]

I've always been interested in the concept of poly, and felt so certain that it was for me. Then, during a long distance relationship, my boyfriend and I opened up the relationship and I had an immensely difficult time reprogramming - despite me supporting the logic behind why people are polyamorous, and interested intellectually, I struggled with jealousy, even while I enjoyed meeting new people and dating. A complete contradiction in my brain. Long story short, my partner definitely would be the poly and I the mono, but we haven't found a way to make it work, so until then, we're back in a mono relationship. For now, being together is more important, but we're young and haven't dated that long, so another round of experimentation may be up in the future.

I just want you to know that what you experienced is completely normal. I had a very hard time the first year also. Cultural conditioning is a big thing to work through. If you do try again, the things that helped me the most were having a good support system, from both my partner as well as poly meetups and discussion groups, and remembering that I wasn't a failure for experiencing so many negative emotions, I just had to forgive myself and take my time and remember that it was normal. And, in my experience at least, it gets a lot easier after you get through a few hard 'firsts' (first time your partner goes on a date, first sleepover, first relationship, etc). Whatever you choose in the future, best luck!

[scrubbyfish]

...despite me supporting the logic behind why people are polyamorous, and interested intellectually, I struggled with jealousy, even while I enjoyed meeting new people and dating. A complete contradiction in my brain.

Thinking about ethereality's post (and HI, ethereality!! long time no see!!), as well as other people's posts here about all of us doing versions of poly, just more in the emotional, etc, realms than the sexual...

When I started dating a fellow this past summer, I put on the table very early that I would be continuing to "meet strangers" while dating him. I explained that while I'm naturally monogamous, and therefore would be that in our relationship, I have a very strong need to meet people I haven't met before, and to drop into hefty conversations with them. That is, I wasn't willing to give up the "first coffee date" part of dating around. I liked that I had learned what I don't and do need, that I finally understood that I could "have [my version of] it all", and that I was willing to stand up for my need rather than feel I had to lose that to be in a relationship.

He was very receptive, noting that in his field (interviewer, etc), he got to have that experience under the label "work", while I in my work (solitary) did not. He felt that he, too, had a need to regularly experience "strangers", albeit not sexually.

[ethereality]

Hi again (I've been lurking ,but not posting)! I think I'm very similar, as in I love the first date experience (I feel very at home on dates and interviews), but I don't need or crave the sexual aspects of poly relationships. But, I have a partner who feels much more strongly for poly, so there's that incompatibility. Is it possible to change your preferences? I'm not sure. I'm hoping that over time and slowww progression, we will migrate towards each other's preferences. In my "research" online, I found fewer examples of poly people who could make it work long-term in a mono relationship.

[Cookie78]

Hi again (I've been lurking ,but not posting)! I think I'm very similar, as in I love the first date experience (I feel very at home on dates and interviews), but I don't need or crave the sexual aspects of poly relationships. But, I have a partner who feels much more strongly for poly, so there's that incompatibility. Is it possible to change your preferences? I'm not sure. I'm hoping that over time and slowww progression, we will migrate towards each other's preferences. In my "research" online, I found fewer examples of poly people who could make it work long-term in a mono relationship.

I met a girl on Friday who seems to be in the same position as you. She identifies as monogamous, but she will still go out on dates when she wants to. Her partner (long distance, 2 years) is poly and is dating other people regularly. She seemed quite happy with the arrangement, though I'm sure it took a lot of work to get there.

This may or may not be related to your situation and I might be projecting your words on to my own situation, but you don't necessarily have to want the same things in poly for it to be compatible. I don't view what you said in this post as being incompatible at all. Both my partners want different things from polyamory and their other relationships than I do. My male partner is much more interested in casual relationships or casual sex. I do not crave those sexual aspects. He is not interested in finding a serious additional relationship, though I am certain if he met the right person, that might change. I am (rather, I was - 2 is enough right now) much more interested in something meaningful. My female partner is also much more interested in casual. She may also change her mind in the future, but right now she is happy with one meaningful and a few causal relationships.

My point - Just because we all want different things and are interested in different aspects of poly, doesn't make us incompatible. If you'd just like to go on dates, and your partner is more interested in sexual relationships, that's just fine. :)

As for the question of whether or not it is possible to change your preferences, that happens all the time. It's rarely a static thing. Swingers often gravitate towards polyamory because of changing preferences. Closed poly triads open up because of changing preferences. Monogamous marriages open up because of changing preferences. And they all happen in reverse too. Relationships are dynamic changing things. Sometimes these things happen to the determent of the relationship, other times they become stronger.

[Fallenour]

I've been in the BDSM community for a long time.

PM me for anyone whos interested, and ILl give you links to sites that will help you become informed on polyamory.

Its nasty business unless you are able to be fully honest with yourself, and all of the primary partners in the central circle.

Also, its not for the faint of heart, the thin skinned, nor the jealous types.

Id say over 80% of poly relationships that Ive seen fail within the 1st year due to lack of proper communication. Very rarely do they actually become life time relationships. Of those, ive only ever met two couples, and I frequent major events in my region (MD, so thats fusion and dark odyssey)

[SisterX]

I've been in the BDSM community for a long time.

PM me for anyone whos interested, and ILl give you links to sites that will help you become informed on polyamory.

Its nasty business unless you are able to be fully honest with yourself, and all of the primary partners in the central circle.

Also, its not for the faint of heart, the thin skinned, nor the jealous types.

Id say over 80% of poly relationships that Ive seen fail within the 1st year due to lack of proper communication. Very rarely do they actually become life time relationships. Of those, ive only ever met two couples, and I frequent major events in my region (MD, so thats fusion and dark odyssey)

Do polyamory and BDSM frequently go hand in hand?  Just curious because of the first line.

[Cookie78]

I've been in the BDSM community for a long time.

PM me for anyone whos interested, and ILl give you links to sites that will help you become informed on polyamory.

Its nasty business unless you are able to be fully honest with yourself, and all of the primary partners in the central circle.

Also, its not for the faint of heart, the thin skinned, nor the jealous types.

Id say over 80% of poly relationships that Ive seen fail within the 1st year due to lack of proper communication. Very rarely do they actually become life time relationships. Of those, ive only ever met two couples, and I frequent major events in my region (MD, so thats fusion and dark odyssey)

Do polyamory and BDSM frequently go hand in hand?  Just curious because of the first line.

There is a lot of overlap between the two communities.