Fun with telemarketers

[electriceagle]

Like many people, I have an endure/hate relationship with my job.

From time to time, I get random calls from telemarketing scammers. I used to be angry at the interruption, but now I embrace the break in my day.

I started with grunts and groans, moved up the scale to untelligible gibberish and am now using snippets of incomprehensible conversation to make telemarketers fun rather than obnoxious.

Here is my last conversation:

Them: Hello, my name is chris. How are you today?
Me: Chris, how is your day?
Them: I am doing well, thank you. You recently ordered some viagra ...
Me: Do you like burritos?
Them: What? I don't understand, what are you asking?
Me: Chris, do you like burritos?
Them: No, I don't like burritos, Im calling to ask you if you enjoy viagra
Me: I like tater tots. Chris, do you like tater tots? I like tater tots.
[click]

Any ideas for my next conversation with "chris", "dan", "steve" or whatever other fool calls to try to scam me? I don't want to say anything above PG as I'm sure they get that all day and will hang up sooner in response.

[Blindsquirrel]

 I was awoken by a telemarketer selling windows. Several times by the same SOBs, after the 4th time of this BS (I worked at night at the time) I said come on over and give me a price, gave them the address and set up a time. I lived in  a 600 unit apt building/complex when they kept calling me I kept telling them to give me a price for every fricken window in the joint.

[GuitarStv]

In our area we get a lot of telemarketers with very heavy Indian accents calling about duct cleaning.  I first said that I wasn't interested and asked to be taken off their list.  Then they called the next day.  I said the same.  This pattern continued for two weeks.  Each time that they called it showed a different local number on call display.  Finally, I realized that they weren't going to leave me alone unless I provided some incentive.

So, I looked up our local police division address, phone number (the non-emergency number), and unit commander name.  The next time that they called I set up an appointment for a duct cleaning for a 5000 square foot house at the police address.  I told them that they were calling me on a cell phone and asked that they use the local police division phone number, and I told them that the name they had on file was wrong and gave the unit commander name.

Haven't received a call back from them in quite a while . . .

[CowboyAndIndian]

I tell them that I possibly cannot use their product. For example, if they are selling shoes, I reply I do not have feet.

Them: Are you the owner of the house (about home repair_
Me: No, I am renting.

Them: Would you like to switch long distance carriers?
Me: No, my family live next door and I have never made a long distance call.

Them: Would you like XYZ magazine subscription
Me: No, I cannot read (or alternately, I am blind)

It is awesome to hear the silence at the other end, then a sorry and a quick hang up.

Somesh

[TrMama]

The week after my first child was born I had this conversation with a telemarketer:

Them: Hello, may I please speak to TrMama?
Me: No, I'm sorry we're not home right now.
Click
Me: <laughing like a hysterical, sleep deprived crazy-person>

My DH and parents were in the room with me,  chuckling right along . . .

[trailrated]

I feel awful cause this is coming from the other side of the fence. First job out of college was for a payroll service provider and to set meetings we would have to cold call companies. Some people were very smooth on the phone and a buddy and I did pretty well. One day we were trying to make a game of the calls and each printed out a sheet of "buzz words"

Whoever dropped the most in a call and still set an appointment won. I lost, but I still laugh thinking about it. He got 17 of them in there including synergy, streamline, consolidate, optimize, etc. I am sure by the end of the call they still had no idea what the hell our company did.

[gimp]

I kept getting texts about consolidating my student loans. Either they were from Nelnet or Nelnet sold my information. So I reported them to the FCC. I have no idea but I sincerely hope they ended up having a big fucking fine. How do you like that interest now, dick?

[brewer12345]

The telemarketers are annoying, but the door to door solicitors are at least as bad.  This morning DW answered the door expecting her mother only to find that there were representatives of some faith or other wanting to spread some sort of "good news."  She pretty much slammed the door in their faces.  I told her that next time she should yell, "honey, get the shotgun!"

[trailrated]

I have always wanted to start a business that goes door to door selling no soliciting signs.

[electriceagle]

+ Hello, my name is David, I am calling about your order of viagra. How are you today?
- Hello, David. How are you?
+ I am very well, Thank you for asking. You ordered some viagra recently, i am calling to ask if you enjoyed it?
- David, do you sell Viagra?
+ Yes, if you want to buy some more viagra, absolutely we can sell you some.
- David, I read on the internet that viagra is obselete and that everyone nowadays is using viagra 2.0. Do you sell viagra 2.0?
+ Sir, there is no such thing as viagra 2.0. I assure you that viagra is not obselete.
- Really, I would only buy viagra 2.0. I wouldn't want to buy something that is out of date.
+ Sir, please hold on a minute. (wait) I'm sorry sir, I was mistaken. We do offer viagra 2.0.
- Who is calling?
+ This is David. You were just about to place an order for viagra, we do have viagra 2.0 just like you asked for.
- David? I was just speaking to a guy named Sam about buying some viagra 3.0. Viagra 2.0 is obselete.
+ Sir, you were just speaking to me. My name is David. I can help you place an order for viagra 3.0 as well.
- OK. Please hold on a minute.
(phone in pocket, walk from building to building)

the end.

[NumberJohnny5]

I tell them that I possibly cannot use their product. For example, if they are selling shoes, I reply I do not have feet.

That's what I do.

Call asking if I have a problem with Windows, I explain that I don't have a computer. Sometimes I'll ask if they can give me a computer.

Call asking about installing solar, I explain that I live underground and don't get the sun.

Call asking about phone service, I explain that I don't have a phone.

Cal asking about Viagra, I explain that....

[Louisville]

I understand that most folks don't want/need the interuption,  but keep in mind while you're having fun that the people on the other end of the line are trying to make a living. It's a shit job. The kindest thing you can do for them (in the immediate term) is to hang up ASAP so that they can move on and bother someone else.
For the longer term, I'd reccomend getting involved with consumer groups trying to ban/control telemarketing, or enforcement of existing bans. Also, "take me off your list" seems futile, but I think it works sometimes.

[warfreak2]

I understand that most folks don't want/need the interuption,  but keep in mind while you're having fun that the people on the other end of the line are trying to make a living. It's a shit job. The kindest thing you can do for them (in the immediate term) is to hang up ASAP so that they can move on and bother someone else.

This only applies if they aren't paid minimum wage, which they probably are.

Also, it's not really kinder to the someone else they're moving on to bother, and someone else gets more sympathy from me.

[Skydog]

I seldom get telemarketers but have been meaning to try this counter-script: http://egbg.home.xs4all.nl/counterscript.html

[Dr. Doom]

The telemarketers are annoying, but the door to door solicitors are at least as bad.  This morning DW answered the door expecting her mother only to find that there were representatives of some faith or other wanting to spread some sort of "good news."  She pretty much slammed the door in their faces.  I told her that next time she should yell, "honey, get the shotgun!"

I don't answer my door anymore.  An unopened door is a happy door.

[trailrated]

I understand that most folks don't want/need the interuption,  but keep in mind while you're having fun that the people on the other end of the line are trying to make a living. It's a shit job. The kindest thing you can do for them (in the immediate term) is to hang up ASAP so that they can move on and bother someone else.
For the longer term, I'd reccomend getting involved with consumer groups trying to ban/control telemarketing, or enforcement of existing bans. Also, "take me off your list" seems futile, but I think it works sometimes.

If they get paid and I end up entertained I would almost consider that a win-win.

[Stachesquatch]

I have no sympathy for telemarketers - if their business model depends on engaging me unsolicited then it is 'open season' on the method to get on their do not call list. 

I know this may be considered cruel on some level, but it is the only consistent thing that works:

I've found that simply asking to not be called or saying you are not interested can often lead to being called again.  The only real mitigator to telemarketers is to hope they call you at a time that you aren't busy, or ideally at a time where you can put them on speakerphone and remain productive doing something else.  I engage them for as long as I can, at first feigning interest in whatever they are offering and asking legitimate questions about their product/service/etc.  I move on to busy talk, enquiring about anything else that I can keep them on the phone for.  The longer the better. The longest calls are 20+ minutes if I'm on my game.  Ultimately they will become frustrated and offer some sort of ultimatum asking if I am going to buy anything or not.  At that moment (before they literally hang up on me) I tell them that I am not legally allowed to enter financial obligations and that we should both call my legal guardian and get this approved because I really really want it.  At this moment they hang up and I never get called back by the same company. 

All businesses are in the business to make money, it is only when you are identified as a cold lead that they have incentive to blacklist you.

[bikebum]

I used to get calls saying they were with Microsoft and got some kind of reading that my computer had a problem. They would tell me to type in some stuff in the run box, which I think would have connected our computers and allowed them access to my computer. I kept telling them no but they kept calling. Finally, I started playing along like I was doing it, making up excuses why it was taking so long, then eventually breaking the news that I was just messing with them and I knew what they were up to. They got really pissed off and quit calling.

[GuitarStv]

I have no sympathy for telemarketers - if their business model depends on engaging me unsolicited then it is 'open season' on the method to get on their do not call list. 

I know this may be considered cruel on some level, but it is the only consistent thing that works:

I've found that simply asking to not be called or saying you are not interested can often lead to being called again.  The only real mitigator to telemarketers is to hope they call you at a time that you aren't busy, or ideally at a time where you can put them on speakerphone and remain productive doing something else.  I engage them for as long as I can, at first feigning interest in whatever they are offering and asking legitimate questions about their product/service/etc.  I move on to busy talk, enquiring about anything else that I can keep them on the phone for.  The longer the better. The longest calls are 20+ minutes if I'm on my game.  Ultimately they will become frustrated and offer some sort of ultimatum asking if I am going to buy anything or not.  At that moment (before they literally hang up on me) I tell them that I am not legally allowed to enter financial obligations and that we should both call my legal guardian and get this approved because I really really want it.  At this moment they hang up and I never get called back by the same company. 

All businesses are in the business to make money, it is only when you are identified as a cold lead that they have incentive to blacklist you.

Yes!

The only way to really fight back against telemarketers is to waste their time.  The more time wasted, the less profitable they are.  The less profitable they are, the less appealing it is to start telemarketing another product/service from a business prospective.  No money == no dialers.

[Primm]

I had a call once from a "Microsoft" tech telling me there was something wrong with my computer. I strung him along for over 30 minutes before he used the F word several times and then hung up on me.

I can't find the recording of the last 10 or so minutes of the call, when I finally thought to record it, but here's the call when he rang back a couple of hours later...

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s27/res/b78515b7-a5a2-4c1e-bfee-031e8b4c33f2/He%20Rang%20Me%20Back%21.m4a

[EricL]

I love being called by telemarketers!  It's one of the things I missed the most in the states, though my technique for dealing with them tends to get me dropped from their rolls anyway.  I pretend I'm God, a 007 type spy, vampire, the Devil, etc. 

Pretending to be the Devil (Mr. Lucifer from Morningstar Investments) I scared a telemarketer from the midwest into hanging up.  Probably due to offering her hearts desire with bloody revenge on at least 2 enemies in return for a certain "metaphysical intangible".

I enabled a young Indian man to practice his English profanity skills.  I really hope the call was recorded as he said in his preamble.

As I said, it seems to keep them from calling back. :(

[electriceagle]

I understand that most folks don't want/need the interuption,  but keep in mind while you're having fun that the people on the other end of the line are trying to make a living. It's a shit job. The kindest thing you can do for them (in the immediate term) is to hang up ASAP so that they can move on and bother someone else.
For the longer term, I'd reccomend getting involved with consumer groups trying to ban/control telemarketing, or enforcement of existing bans. Also, "take me off your list" seems futile, but I think it works sometimes.

Actually, I think that my antics have managed to get me taken off the list. They haven't called back since my last discussion of viagra 2.0 with "David".

I wonder if telemarketers have a secret do-not-want-to-call list.

[gimp]

One of my favorite threads - http://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromtechsupport/comments/w79zp/i_got_one_of_those_scam_calls_today/ - read this if you have time. You won't regret it.

[Eric]

One of my favorite threads - http://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromtechsupport/comments/w79zp/i_got_one_of_those_scam_calls_today/ - read this if you have time. You won't regret it.

Excellent!  I love that he just happened to have a flash drive with viruses on it.  Good ol' IT guys!

[Paul der Krake]

This will not help with scammers, but the Do Not Call registry (US only) basically cut my telemarketing calls down to zero. Wish I had known about it earlier.

https://www.donotcall.gov/

[bikebum]

I understand that most folks don't want/need the interuption,  but keep in mind while you're having fun that the people on the other end of the line are trying to make a living. It's a shit job. The kindest thing you can do for them (in the immediate term) is to hang up ASAP so that they can move on and bother someone else.
For the longer term, I'd reccomend getting involved with consumer groups trying to ban/control telemarketing, or enforcement of existing bans. Also, "take me off your list" seems futile, but I think it works sometimes.

Actually, I think that my antics have managed to get me taken off the list. They haven't called back since my last discussion of viagra 2.0 with "David".

I wonder if telemarketers have a secret do-not-want-to-call list.

In my experience if you hang up quickly, they just call back later, maybe hoping someone else will answer or you will be in a better mood. If you want to be nice, only have fun with telemarketers who call again after you tell them not to. Can't find any reason that is not fair.

[deborah]

I had a call once from a "Microsoft" tech telling me there was something wrong with my computer. I strung him along for over 30 minutes before he used the F word several times and then hung up on me.

I can't find the recording of the last 10 or so minutes of the call, when I finally thought to record it, but here's the call when he rang back a couple of hours later...

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s27/res/b78515b7-a5a2-4c1e-bfee-031e8b4c33f2/He%20Rang%20Me%20Back%21.m4a

These are not telemarketers - they are thieves trying to pinch your identity.

[riverffashion]

I tell them that I possibly cannot use their product. For example, if they are selling shoes, I reply I do not have feet.

Them: Are you the owner of the house (about home repair_
Me: No, I am renting.

Them: Would you like to switch long distance carriers?
Me: No, my family live next door and I have never made a long distance call.

Them: Would you like XYZ magazine subscription
Me: No, I cannot read (or alternately, I am blind)

It is awesome to hear the silence at the other end, then a sorry and a quick hang up.

Somesh

Yes.

[vern]

What Guitar said, waste their time.  It's the best way to hurt them.

"Oh yes, that product you are selling is just what I was thinking of buying.  Hang on a second, I have something on the stove I have to check..."

Set down the phone and go on with your day.

[vern]

Tom Mabe had a comedy cd out years ago.  There was a telemarketer convention in town and he found out what floor they were staying on. 

Then he started calling them up at 3AM trying to sell them stuff.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDek_Bzem8k

[nirvines88]

I like Jerry Seinfeld's solution:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hllDWSbuDsQ

[Cookie78]

I have no sympathy for telemarketers - if their business model depends on engaging me unsolicited then it is 'open season' on the method to get on their do not call list. 

I know this may be considered cruel on some level, but it is the only consistent thing that works:

I've found that simply asking to not be called or saying you are not interested can often lead to being called again.  The only real mitigator to telemarketers is to hope they call you at a time that you aren't busy, or ideally at a time where you can put them on speakerphone and remain productive doing something else.  I engage them for as long as I can, at first feigning interest in whatever they are offering and asking legitimate questions about their product/service/etc.  I move on to busy talk, enquiring about anything else that I can keep them on the phone for.  The longer the better. The longest calls are 20+ minutes if I'm on my game.  Ultimately they will become frustrated and offer some sort of ultimatum asking if I am going to buy anything or not.  At that moment (before they literally hang up on me) I tell them that I am not legally allowed to enter financial obligations and that we should both call my legal guardian and get this approved because I really really want it.  At this moment they hang up and I never get called back by the same company. 

All businesses are in the business to make money, it is only when you are identified as a cold lead that they have incentive to blacklist you.

I did this with a door to door religion pushing pair once. Normally I don't answer the door, but this week was particularly hectic in my house. I was building my garage and my 3 brothers, father, and young niece and nephew were all staying with me in my small house. 6 adults and 2 kids in a 2 bedroom house, it was a big pile of mess. My niece and nephew heard the knock at the door and ran helpfully to answer it. I went to the door for about 10 seconds then I figured I'd let the kids talk to them while I went back to the kitchen to prevent any impending food disasters. It was all within view and earshot (small house) and I made sure the kids were dominating the conversation, and not being preached at. "This is my brother, and this is my aunt- she lives here, and this is my favorite toy. What's your name?" At one point I dropped a glass bowl and it shattered. Cue loud cursing and lots of yelling at the dog to stay put and the barefoot kids to stay out of the kitchen and help keep the dog out. Then some loud yelling from my nephew who was hanging on to the dog who weighed as much as him, trying to get the dog to come with him. Then my youngest brother who hadn't yet got out of bed wandered out in his underwear dazed and confused scratching his ass. It was a big loud redneck clusterfuck. Eventually they decided to leave me with a pamphlet and be on their way. I don't think they got much more than 2 sentences out in 10 minutes.

[riverffashion]

I have no sympathy for telemarketers - if their business model depends on engaging me unsolicited then it is 'open season' on the method to get on their do not call list. 

I know this may be considered cruel on some level, but it is the only consistent thing that works:

I've found that simply asking to not be called or saying you are not interested can often lead to being called again.  The only real mitigator to telemarketers is to hope they call you at a time that you aren't busy, or ideally at a time where you can put them on speakerphone and remain productive doing something else.  I engage them for as long as I can, at first feigning interest in whatever they are offering and asking legitimate questions about their product/service/etc.  I move on to busy talk, enquiring about anything else that I can keep them on the phone for.  The longer the better. The longest calls are 20+ minutes if I'm on my game.  Ultimately they will become frustrated and offer some sort of ultimatum asking if I am going to buy anything or not.  At that moment (before they literally hang up on me) I tell them that I am not legally allowed to enter financial obligations and that we should both call my legal guardian and get this approved because I really really want it.  At this moment they hang up and I never get called back by the same company. 

All businesses are in the business to make money, it is only when you are identified as a cold lead that they have incentive to blacklist you.

I did this with a door to door religion pushing pair once. Normally I don't answer the door, but this week was particularly hectic in my house. I was building my garage and my 3 brothers, father, and young niece and nephew were all staying with me in my small house. 6 adults and 2 kids in a 2 bedroom house, it was a big pile of mess. My niece and nephew heard the knock at the door and ran helpfully to answer it. I went to the door for about 10 seconds then I figured I'd let the kids talk to them while I went back to the kitchen to prevent any impending food disasters. It was all within view and earshot (small house) and I made sure the kids were dominating the conversation, and not being preached at. "This is my brother, and this is my aunt- she lives here, and this is my favorite toy. What's your name?" At one point I dropped a glass bowl and it shattered. Cue loud cursing and lots of yelling at the dog to stay put and the barefoot kids to stay out of the kitchen and help keep the dog out. Then some loud yelling from my nephew who was hanging on to the dog who weighed as much as him, trying to get the dog to come with him. Then my youngest brother who hadn't yet got out of bed wandered out in his underwear dazed and confused scratching his ass. It was a big loud redneck clusterfuck. Eventually they decided to leave me with a pamphlet and be on their way. I don't think they got much more than 2 sentences out in 10 minutes.

That's hilarious.

[KodeBlue]

Once a couple of Mormon missionaries came to our house just as my husband (same sex marriage) was leaving for work and got to watch me kiss him goodbye. They never came back.

[nereo]

I normally say I'm not interested. If they continue to pester me, sometimes I'll attempt to convert them to another religion (whichever one I feel like promoting that day). 

[Rural]

Some of  door-to-door sects are not allowed to break bread with us heathen unbelievers, so it helps to offer them food or, as I did, fresh-squeezed lemonade. A hasty retreat and I never saw them again (our old house, they can't get up the hill here as far as I can tell; that or they can read No Tresspassing signs).


Of course this could backfire if your uninvited visitors are from a heathen-bread-breaking sect...

Telemarketers, on the other hand, get the "off" button on the phone midway through their first sentence.