Factors Driving Unhappiness in the Modern World

[curious_george]

Growing up, my last foster father had an odd habit. He made $12 /hr, but every two years he had to buy a brand new car. It was like clockwork. He never had a paid off car his entire life - and still doesn't have a paid off car in his late fifties. I think he has spent something like 1/3 of his entire lifetime income just on vehicle depreciation. Money which he could have used to further his own education to find a better job, develop more skills, etc.

I went to work as a teenager to help him pay for household expenses since he did not make enough to both pay for his new car habit and the mortgage. I spent a lot of time questioning him on why he needed to always have a new car. He finally told me it was really about one thing:

Status

He felt the need to prove to the world that he was successful, because he did not feel successful on the inside, and his way of doing this was to always drive a new car. He has spent 1/3 of his working life in order to prove to himself that he is successful, simply because he does not feel this way on the inside. If he could simply drop this belief, he could ironically be much more successful and happier in life.

On this forum we recognize a lot of the mental mechanisms behind overconsumption. We recognize terms like hedonic adaptation. We recognize that some people shop for things simply because they need some sort of change in their life, and new things gives them this change. We recognize status seeking behavior. Some people enjoy getting a good deal on things that they may not even need or want. They are simply buying them for the feeling of getting more for less. Some feeling like they have gained something in the transaction, even if what they have gained has no meaning or value or use to them.

...

Now - it seems like we don't always recognize other things that may lead us to long term unhappiness in other areas of our life. What is the financial status seeking behavior equal in other areas of our life? This is what I want to discuss in this thread. What are the other blind spots that we are missing that may cause unhappiness in other areas of our life? 

Take exercise for example. Some people love exercise for the endorphins, but it is very common for people to have no real desire to exercise. I used to be in this group of people. It's often easier to simply not exercise and play video games or read or something, for example. As a teenager I exercised a lot in sports but as an adult I did not start exercising again until I started reading books about the benefits of exercise. It took a lot of reading to motivate me to start running again. Now after running every morning for a while I can see how I remember better, I have more energy throughout the day, and depression has been far less severe.

My basic mistake was not fully understanding the benefits of exercise.

What other blind spots do I have that I'm missing?

Is there a 'status seeking behavior' belief equal in relationships that cause the most problems and issues in love and romantic relationships? Are there certain patterns of relationships and common mistakes people make when seeking romantic relationship that cause the most unhappiness? How about for platonic relationships? Do our own fears and insecurities drive a lot of this unhappiness? Are there certain beliefs we need to drop in order to improve our relationships with other people? Is our lack of social connection in the modern world partially driven by our own beliefs and insecurities around meeting new people?

Is there a 'status seeking behavior' equal in the nutrition world? Is our collective addiction to sugar and corn syrup, for example, partially driving some of our chronic diseases? 

What are the other major factors driving human suffering in the modern age that we should be aware of? And Why?

[chemistk]

More broadly, I think the overconsumption of media in all forms is a massive emotional time and energy sink. Social media in particular, but it's just as bad to endlessly browse through news articles or a streaming catalog.

But rather than attribute unhappiness to one or a small series of factors, I want to point out that often the reasons we become so disillusioned with the things around us is that the modern world is really pushing the boundaries of the human mind to function effectively. We have too many inputs to be able to consistently make rational & informed decisions. Some people are better at it than others but on the whole, we have to know far far far more about he world around us than our ancestors 50, 100, 500, or 5000 years ago.

We absolutely could manage to process all the information and stimuli we receive effectively, to the betterment of ourselves and others, but so far we haven't figured out a great way to equitably control and suppress the truly 'bad' information. There are plenty of well-intentioned and ill-intentioned actors who manipulate our cognitive processes for perceived good and known evil alike, and in both cases we cannot make a decision about that information without relying on a third party.

An individual who is completely blind must rely entirely on the perception of another person to help them characterize the world around them in the context that much of the rest of society communicates through. They may have a friend who is well-intentioned but color blind who frequently misinforms them of how their surroundings appear, no ill will is meant. Conversely a bad actor may create an incorrect narrative of the world that the blind person cannot perceive, simply out of malice, or possibly out of personal gain.

And so too we are presented with information that we must engage third party processes to take action on.

In the same vein, I think our view on mortality has changed from where it used to be historically. Death typically to be avoided, but throughout much of history it was accepted as inevitable and was welcomed as an eventuality rather than feared for the possibility that we will miss out on things in this world that we have yet to experience.

In the last 150 years, we have conquered some of the greatest challenges in the natural world as a species and despite that, we have somehow maintained a social order that goes back millennia - a very select group of people get to experience a leisure filled carefree life devoid of many true struggles, while the remainder of society is increasingly burdened with hardship and disease.

To tie all this together, 1000 years ago, most of us had a station in life. We did very little beyond the class and trade we were born into and often died at the hand of another man or by a unknown disease. But in our short lives, we had little we needed to learn and even less we needed to fear. Life skills were passed around and we had plenty of mental space for our minds to occupy without being bothered.

-----

I am not advocating for a regression in societal progress but I am merely providing my take on the question. If I had to pinpoint the most pernicious lynchpin I refer you to my first sentence. Human nature is always present and prevalent and there is probably never going to be a way to eliminate the assholes, charlatans, lunatics, and truly evil from society. And yet exposure to media allows us to overclock our brains until smoke billows from our ears and we become susceptible to the worst that humanity has to offer.

[GuitarStv]

Distraction and constant connectedness to the internet is a serious problem.  We've all known people who have a pathological need to look at their phones every couple minutes.  This distraction eats into productive time, and insulates a person from identifying with the real world around them.  The brain works best with some quiet, contemplative time.  Boredom is something that people should feel, and learn to deal with - it can be harnessed to create.

Communicating with someone on the internet is no substitute for in-person, face to face time.  Too much of the former is like eating donuts rather than healthy food.  Feels OK for a little while, but it makes you fat and sick.  Communication devices keep us all connected, but deep down and intuitively most of us recognize that it's not real - and that leads to a sense of loneliness and dissatisfaction.

[Captain Cactus]

Speaking of loneliness and isolation...

My wife and I moved to a town where neither of us have any roots.  In this town there is a solid group of people who have lived here for generations, went to school from K-12 together, and always pal around together and have a grand ol' time even as adults.  Their kids play together and it appears that if you're not from here, your kids don't get invited to the parties, the bbqs, because the parents orchestrate everything for their kids, etc...

So for me, I would say that loneliness is a big source of unhappiness in my life (not to turn this into a therapy session...).  It's really hard to make friends as an adult.  Everyone already has their friends and they're not looking for more.  I'm not on social media (this forum is as far as it goes for me), and it's almost like if you're not on Facebook you don't exist. 

I work remotely as well, so while I get to know many people remotely, but we all live 100s of miles apart and in person friendships aren't practical.

[simonsez]

Generally speaking, I'd say prioritize time unplugged and see what happens.

Get out of the city and all of the light pollution.  Put down the phone and turn off the screens.  Either be alone or surround yourself with loved ones.
Spend time looking at the stars, sitting around a fire, be okay with silence other than what nature provides, cook something that's not quick and easy and wrapped in plastic, listen more than you speak, listen to your body (is your body inflamed, do you sleep well, are you flexible and strong enough for the activities you do/want to be doing, etc.), think about what's important to you and what you would prioritize.

We are all different and thus have different needs.  So it can be tricky to proscribe specific cure-alls but we're all human with the same basic programming.  I tend to think that since the majority of this programming stems from a pre-modern time, that we need to provide mental, social, emotional, physical, and even spiritual maintenance in ways that would resonate with our ancestors.  To me, a good chunk of this means making sure you are balanced and connecting with nature, yourself, and your family/friends/community.  Don't take modern shortcuts ALL the time.  The deeper connections become severed.  Easier to maintain than to re-establish.

You are asking for what to be aware of to avoid - but I think it's easier to find what works for you as an individual and surround yourself with that.  Or at least, what to seek out can be just as helpful (if not more so) than what to avoid.  That is, rather than just bypassing the known causes/symptoms of human suffering, maybe try challenging your own status quo and reaffirming what makes you tick.  We're incredibly complicated beings who change over time.  What worked for you as a teen might not work when you're 25, 35, etc.

I've never heard anyone come back from a retreat, a camping trip, a long hike, canoe excursion, bonfire, a big party, etc. saying they can't wait to get back out in the world and buy a new car every 2 years or get back into their inflammatory diet or whatever they were doing before that wasn't ideal and they are aware of it. 

Also, where you live matters.  Set yourself up to succeed, not fail when it comes to connecting (in whatever you see fit).  So to some this means needing to live somewhere that nature is accessible, or their network of humans/civic-connectedness is strong enough in a particular area, etc.  Lot more to life than a job or which school district happens to have a healthy tax base at a given time.  Then again, I'm not a workaholic or someone whose job basically IS a big chunk of their social life (or the reason for the lack thereof) and not a parent so my priorities are skewed to what works for me.  YMMV

[GuitarStv]

Physical challenge is important too.  We as a society have removed the need to physically do just about anything.  Need to go somewhere?  Drive.  Need to walk up stairs in the mall?  Escalator.  Need to eat food?  Unwrap it from the plastic.

Doing something very physically challenging on a semi-regular basis is good for you in general (your body is designed to move and work) so you'll sleep better and feel better because of endorphins.  You won't be as fat, so you'll feel better about how you look.  But it also has tremendous knock-on benefits to other areas of your life.

Achieving something difficult that you never thought you would be able to do means that you can look at all the little annoyances and grievances in your life and gain perspective about things that are important.  It helps you develop the grit necessary to get through truly hard times.  It lets you be less easily disturbed/bothered because of the confidence that you develop.

[slackmax]

I haven't read the whole thread yet. But, for me it is romantic love. Just a fantasy? Hormones making us high? I am dating again, and this has me wondering about things.

 

[Just Joe]

Speaking of loneliness and isolation...

My wife and I moved to a town where neither of us have any roots.  In this town there is a solid group of people who have lived here for generations, went to school from K-12 together, and always pal around together and have a grand ol' time even as adults.  Their kids play together and it appears that if you're not from here, your kids don't get invited to the parties, the bbqs, because the parents orchestrate everything for their kids, etc...

So for me, I would say that loneliness is a big source of unhappiness in my life (not to turn this into a therapy session...).  It's really hard to make friends as an adult.  Everyone already has their friends and they're not looking for more.  I'm not on social media (this forum is as far as it goes for me), and it's almost like if you're not on Facebook you don't exist. 

I work remotely as well, so while I get to know many people remotely, but we all live 100s of miles apart and in person friendships aren't practical.

We live in that town too metaphorically speaking.

Becoming an enthusiastic member of a local church would have been the easiest answer. We did that for a little while until it just wasn't for us anymore. Scouts, sports, community performance groups, school, in person work, and volunteering all worked together to crack the shell on this place. Now we get all the social time us two introverts can stand.

That said the polarizing of American politics led to losing some friends over the past decade or more. We lost several to religious or political belief systems that seemed to require friends to have the right beliefs and demonstrate it with parroting the messages of the moment. Oh and do fly the colors - the right apparel, home decorations, the right stuff (vehicles, toys, etc) and visit the favored getaway spots. In short act like everyone else, say the same things, dress the cool way, etc.

Can't be part of a diverse set of a friends with the people I'm remembering. Must be the same and reinforce each other's choices and words. We're related to a few examples too so we won't forget that type of mentality. ;)

Yes, everything you said. I hope you can find your niche. I think working for home would either be bliss or the last straw.

[Captain Cactus]

Thanks Joe, that's solid advice, I appreciate the kind words too.

Speaking of loneliness and isolation...

My wife and I moved to a town where neither of us have any roots.  In this town there is a solid group of people who have lived here for generations, went to school from K-12 together, and always pal around together and have a grand ol' time even as adults.  Their kids play together and it appears that if you're not from here, your kids don't get invited to the parties, the bbqs, because the parents orchestrate everything for their kids, etc...

So for me, I would say that loneliness is a big source of unhappiness in my life (not to turn this into a therapy session...).  It's really hard to make friends as an adult.  Everyone already has their friends and they're not looking for more.  I'm not on social media (this forum is as far as it goes for me), and it's almost like if you're not on Facebook you don't exist. 

I work remotely as well, so while I get to know many people remotely, but we all live 100s of miles apart and in person friendships aren't practical.

We live in that town too. Becoming an enthusiastic member of a church would have been the easiest answer. We did that for a little while until it just wasn't for us anymore. Scouts, sports, community performance groups, school, in person work, and volunteering all cracked the shell on this place. Now we get all the social time us two introverts can stand.

Yes, everything you said. I hope you can find your niche. I think working for home would either be bliss or the last straw.

[Just Joe]

I went back and added some rambling. Sorry, not sorry. ;) I wish you and your family the best though going forward.

We've been in our town for longer than anywhere else we've ever lived and really come to love it here. Its not without its rough edges or challenges but we've built something good for ourselves.

I'd like to think we'd be equally (or more) successful most anywhere b/c we know what we like and work to build that kind of life and find good people to include in it. 

[ChpBstrd]

More broadly, I think the overconsumption of media in all forms is a massive emotional time and energy sink. Social media in particular, but it's just as bad to endlessly browse through news articles or a streaming catalog.

@chemistk you are correct. Our dopamine-screens overwhelm us with information processing demands, which exhausts our critical thinking facilities and makes us more vulnerable to misinformation, conspiracy theories, groupthink, a lack of self-examination, etc. Pschologists have long known that "cognitive load" increases people's propensity to make mistakes.

Communicating with someone on the internet is no substitute for in-person, face to face time.  Too much of the former is like eating donuts rather than healthy food.  Feels OK for a little while, but it makes you fat and sick.  Communication devices keep us all connected, but deep down and intuitively most of us recognize that it's not real - and that leads to a sense of loneliness and dissatisfaction.

@GuitarStv you are also correct, although the analogy breaks down when you ask people about the healthiness of the things they're consuming. About 99% of donut-eaters are aware that donuts are bad for their health. However, there are MANY people, some of whom I've argued with on this forum, who believe their social media "friends" in online "communities" and "groups" they never meet and wouldn't recognize on the street, are the exact same quality of relationship as the kind of IRL friend who would drive you home from a medical appointment the next day if asked, or who would come over and help you move furniture if needed. No, they're not the same value.

Perhaps this gets to @curious_george 's quest for root causes. People who are genuinely friendless can be tricked into thinking they have friends, and then they must cast around for an explanation (or maybe a theory about who is to blame) for why they're still so lonely, insecure, and isolated. Their solution is often to double down on Reddit or FB or YouTube or 4Chan, the way an alcoholic doubles down on drinking to feel better. But the more time they spend drunk on artificial dopamine, the less time they spend in the real world, building the skills and relationships that lead one up Maslow's hierarchy. Anyone called out on this lifestyle seems to go into alcoholic-level denial anger and rationalizations.

I would guess that even at this late date, the majority of GenXers and Millennials probably believe social media is a healthy, positive thing, just like the Boomers and generations before them believe TV is worth spending hours of one's day watching. I wonder if GenZ will have their own electronic vice or if they will rebel against the whole lifestyle concept of being a friendless "user/product".

[curious_george]

Hmmm...

After reading through all the replies and pondering this some I'm starting to wonder if these forums aren't the main driver of my own unhappiness these days.

Over the years humanity replaced real fruit with sweet candy. The candy is cheaper, sweeter, and more pleasurable and addicting. But of course candy has no nutritional value so the long term health implications of eating candy are not good.

In some ways social media has become the candy of the 21st century. It's cheap, everywhere, and always available. It's also more pleasurable since you can come back over and over, you can share only what you want to share, view only what you want to view, only interact with people you want to interact with, etc, etc. It's almost like a cheap addicting drug in a way. This forum is like the ultimate echo chamber.

I'm sure someone will disagree with this.

And you're not wrong.

It's ok.

Really.

You don't need to reply to this.

Resist your brain's urge to socialize.

Don't eat the candy.

[Metalcat]

Re: forums an social media

I think you have to understand their purpose in your life and use them in a way that is beneficial.

I learn a lot from forum participation, and the primary benefit I've gained is that it's dramatically shaped how I talk to patients, and given me incredible insight into experiences and feelings that differ from my own, especially those of people who hold substantially different values from my own, because those aren't people I would invite into my life IRL.

And if I do meet someone I want to connect with more on a forum, we transfer that connection IRL. One of my closest friends is someone I knew from a forum who turned out to work across the street from my office.

The key is to understand what needs you are trying to meet and to use your resources accordingly. If an online activity isn't improving your quality of life and your overall sense of emotional well being, then it's time to revisit that use.

I often feel enriched after participating here, and it triggers a lot of really great reflections and talks with my spouse. If I leave an experience here feeling the internet-ickies, as I call them, then I proactively address that and modify my engagement. 

I'm never going to change the internet, so it's up to me to customize my use of it in ways that actually benefit me.

[Just Joe]

Curious_George - it's easy to step back and take a break and see if the forums are no longer a positive tool for your life.

I return b/c I continue to learn things.

[ChpBstrd]

I return b/c I continue to learn things.

I continue to learn things too. I'm fairly adept at a tactical level (cooking meals, fixing stuff, optimizing mortgage debt, investing) but it's the philosophy that keeps me coming back. I live in a world where consumerism is the default and only perspective, so it's very helpful when people come along and connect a dot for me that hadn't been connected before.

The Mustachian Path is not a set of "one simple tricks", it is a process of self-deprogramming that tears down walls of toxic attitudes and beliefs brick-by-brick over a course of years (decades?). There is no sudden revelation causing everything to suddenly make sense. Instead we constantly shed bits of intellectual and emotional baggage that is holding us back. Sometimes we learn by seeing that baggage carried by each other, and sometimes our own dysfunction is pointed out to us.

While we are self-deprogramming, the consumerism side is simultaneously re-programming us. Every ad we see, every neighbor who gets a new car, every nudge to work late hours at work, every glance at The News - it all affects us, and requires constant recognition and rebuttal. To some extent, the consumeristic bubble of my IRL reality conflicts with the bubble of the MMM forum, and that friction is where the energy gets generated.

[simonsez]

Hmmm...

After reading through all the replies and pondering this some I'm starting to wonder if these forums aren't the main driver of my own unhappiness these days.

Over the years humanity replaced real fruit with sweet candy. The candy is cheaper, sweeter, and more pleasurable and addicting. But of course candy has no nutritional value so the long term health implications of eating candy are not good.

In some ways social media has become the candy of the 21st century. It's cheap, everywhere, and always available. It's also more pleasurable since you can come back over and over, you can share only what you want to share, view only what you want to view, only interact with people you want to interact with, etc, etc. It's almost like a cheap addicting drug in a way. This forum is like the ultimate echo chamber.

I'm sure someone will disagree with this.

And you're not wrong.

It's ok.

Really.

You don't need to reply to this.

Resist your brain's urge to socialize.

Don't eat the candy.

Mmmm, candy!  I'd mostly agree with you on the myriad ways humans have access to equivalents of candy!  However, forums are what you make of them, similar but not as intense as social media platforms that use algorithms to ratchet up or down the engagement that you experience.  But you have a lot to do with the engagement and where it goes.

Take youtube for example.  If you only start looking up videos of kittens, it turns out youtube will start to recommend after a short while pretty much only adorable kitten vids.  You can still find other topics but it takes "more effort" to seek them out. 

If the topics you find yourself drawn to on social media (algorithm or not) are not providing much value, then either stop seeking them out entirely or proactively go in a different direction.  This forum does not use algorithms so use that to your advantage if you wish and find topics that resonate with you or do any of the thousands of things in life that aren't plugged into the WWW.  Your time is valuable and you get to decide how you want to be allocate it.

This particular forum is pretty varied in terms of topics.  Any topic could be viewed with an echo chamber lens and by no means would I say that doesn't happen on occasion but I don't think it's that pervasive.  I think it's like an anonymous conference with multiple presentations going on at once.  You can pick which topics you want to attend and possibly engage in with others.  Yes, there is selection bias in the topics you choose to "attend" and I'd like to think the positive of having people interested and somewhat informed on a topic outweighs the occasional negative of echo chamber groupthink.

I think it's good to recognize pitfalls but also it's okay to recognize the utility.  I'd expand on your candy analogy and include some type of psychedelic (in the literal sense of "mind-manifesting") trip.  Whatever you bring into it (mood, type of engagement, etc.), the drug will emphasize and highlight.  If you recognize that much of your engagement with a type of activity brings you "bad trips" more often than good ones, change the set and setting or avoid the behavior altogether.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Set_and_setting

If you're already thinking forums might do more harm than good - give them (or certain ones) a trial abstinence period and see how you feel.  Similar to an elimination diet, you're finding out what works for you.  Not all forums are going to be created equal, though, so I suspect some will have different proportions of pros:cons.  That's great to already have that awareness!

[sui generis]

One thing that I think contributes a disproportionate amount of unhappiness is "the tyranny of choice".  Many people would disagree and it seems counterintuitive at first glance, but having contemplated it on and off for quite a few years and reading studies about it, I'm pretty convinced that it sneakily undergirds a ton of mild dissatisfaction with modern life, and sometimes more-than-mild unhappiness.  There are a few good books and canonical studies on the topics and whenever I read them, they resonate a lot.

[Psychstache]

One thing that I think contributes a disproportionate amount of unhappiness is "the tyranny of choice".  Many people would disagree and it seems counterintuitive at first glance, but having contemplated it on and off for quite a few years and reading studies about it, I'm pretty convinced that it sneakily undergirds a ton of mild dissatisfaction with modern life, and sometimes more-than-mild unhappiness.  There are a few good books and canonical studies on the topics and whenever I read them, they resonate a lot.

Agreed. The idea that maximizing choice equals maximizing happiness is a flawed equation. The Paradox of Choice is one of my preferred books on this idea.

https://www.amazon.com/Paradox-Choice-Why-More-Less/dp/0060005696/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

[ender]

One thing that I think contributes a disproportionate amount of unhappiness is "the tyranny of choice".  Many people would disagree and it seems counterintuitive at first glance, but having contemplated it on and off for quite a few years and reading studies about it, I'm pretty convinced that it sneakily undergirds a ton of mild dissatisfaction with modern life, and sometimes more-than-mild unhappiness.  There are a few good books and canonical studies on the topics and whenever I read them, they resonate a lot.

Agreed. The idea that maximizing choice equals maximizing happiness is a flawed equation. The Paradox of Choice is one of my preferred books on this idea.

https://www.amazon.com/Paradox-Choice-Why-More-Less/dp/0060005696/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

heh I just had a brief conversation with @Malcat on this in my journal :)

[Metalcat]

Curious_George - it's easy to step back and take a break and see if the forums are no longer a positive tool for your life.

I return b/c I continue to learn things.

It *should* be easy, but it very much isn't for some people. Unfortunately, those are the very people who need to step back.

[curious_george]

Curious_George - it's easy to step back and take a break and see if the forums are no longer a positive tool for your life.

I return b/c I continue to learn things.

It *should* be easy, but it very much isn't for some people. Unfortunately, those are the very people who need to step back.

Yes - I think I will just step back and take a break and spend more time with real life friends and family, etc.

It's a good forum. It's just too easy to mindlessly browse on here and sort of get lost/addicted to the forums.

[Just Joe]

I continue to learn things too. I'm fairly adept at a tactical level (cooking meals, fixing stuff, optimizing mortgage debt, investing) but it's the philosophy that keeps me coming back.

While we are self-deprogramming, the consumerism side is simultaneously re-programming us. Every ad we see, every neighbor who gets a new car, every nudge to work late hours at work, every glance at The News - it all affects us, and requires constant recognition and rebuttal. To some extent, the consumeristic bubble of my IRL reality conflicts with the bubble of the MMM forum, and that friction is where the energy gets generated.
[/quote]

Same. That was the one of the big things that people here at MMM helped me realize. I don't have alot of interest in consumerism. I mean I like things but neither DW nor I shop to shop.

Eliminating Advertising: another positive adjustment. Minimizing the number of ads my family and I consume every day. I'd forgo television and radio before I'd endure frequent advertising interruptions. Streaming, DVD and recorded audio for the win! We're supposed to mindlessly absorb their messages but - perhaps due to an undiagnosed ADHD - I find them to be especially intrusive and tiring.

[Just Joe]

If only I could make billboard advertising invisible... ;)

[GuitarStv]

If only I could make billboard advertising invisible... ;)

Sky blue paintballs, a paintball gun, and a an excess of free time could make it happen for you.

[Poundwise]

To answer OP's original post:
Instability is a huge factor driving unhappiness. For instance, having to keep track of a schedule that is constantly changing can make people jumpy and nervous. So modern work schedules of contractors or retail workers, where you frequently don't know from day to day when you'll start or finish work, are maddening. Or even if you do know, having a different schedule every day is confusing.

Furthermore, our leisure also throws sand in the gears. Holidays are nice for breaking up routine, but they're rough when there is no routine.

Something that I've noticed from being on the school PTA is that people want to make their mark by coming up with new events or festivals. That's great, but then we're also unwilling to give up some old traditions or events. So we drag on from week to week, organizing event after event, wondering why the families are burned out.  Similarly, every activity has its end of year parties and so forth.  There are also a bunch of events that started during the pandemic (like the graduation car parade) that I think should be phased out as they're no longer needed.

I think we need to declutter holidays and events by simply acknowledging that some are no longer relevant, or by holding them only every other year or every four years. Lack of time, lack of consistency and stability, really are a problem in US society at least.

[Paper Chaser]

I think a great deal of unhappiness comes down to a lack of meaningful connection/relationships, and comparing oneself or situation to others. Comparison is the thief of joy as they say. I've started a habit of discussing gratitude with my partner each day. Every night, we'll each share something that we're grateful for. It might be big or it might be small, but it improves our outlook and appreciation while building/maintaining some emotional connection at the same time. It's a two-fer!

I also think that many people (especially in Western cultures) tend to focus on happiness rather than contentment. Happiness is a short term reaction to external stimuli. It gives you a dopamine hit, but it's also fleeting and means you chase that feeling and end up relying on external sources to determine your mood.
Contentment on the other hand is the only internally sourced emotion. It's lasting and more stable than the peaks and valleys that come from chasing happiness. Life is a marathon, not a sprint and having some amount of underlying contentment as a foundation really helps minimize the severity of unhappy times.

[Metalcat]

To answer OP's original post:
Instability is a huge factor driving unhappiness. For instance, having to keep track of a schedule that is constantly changing can make people jumpy and nervous. So modern work schedules of contractors or retail workers, where you frequently don't know from day to day when you'll start or finish work, are maddening. Or even if you do know, having a different schedule every day is confusing.

Furthermore, our leisure also throws sand in the gears. Holidays are nice for breaking up routine, but they're rough when there is no routine.

Something that I've noticed from being on the school PTA is that people want to make their mark by coming up with new events or festivals. That's great, but then we're also unwilling to give up some old traditions or events. So we drag on from week to week, organizing event after event, wondering why the families are burned out.  Similarly, every activity has its end of year parties and so forth.  There are also a bunch of events that started during the pandemic (like the graduation car parade) that I think should be phased out as they're no longer needed.

I think we need to declutter holidays and events by simply acknowledging that some are no longer relevant, or by holding them only every other year or every four years. Lack of time, lack of consistency and stability, really are a problem in US society at least.

I think this is highly person-dependent.

I'm personally much happier with an up-in-the-air schedule and get all angsty when my time is too structured or scheduled.

[sui generis]

I think a great deal of unhappiness comes down to a lack of meaningful connection/relationships, and comparing oneself or situation to others. Comparison is the thief of joy as they say. I've started a habit of discussing gratitude with my partner each day. Every night, we'll each share something that we're grateful for. It might be big or it might be small, but it improves our outlook and appreciation while building/maintaining some emotional connection at the same time. It's a two-fer!

I also think that many people (especially in Western cultures) tend to focus on happiness rather than contentment. Happiness is a short term reaction to external stimuli. It gives you a dopamine hit, but it's also fleeting and means you chase that feeling and end up relying on external sources to determine your mood.
Contentment on the other hand is the only internally sourced emotion. It's lasting and more stable than the peaks and valleys that come from chasing happiness. Life is a marathon, not a sprint and having some amount of underlying contentment as a foundation really helps minimize the severity of unhappy times.

To tie some of the various ideas together in this thread, comparison is one of the source problems with the Tyranny of Choice I mentioned above.  Studies show that with more choices, people spend more time worrying about the things they didn't choose (regret) and the things that other people did choose (comparison), and of course how damaging comparison can be.

[GuitarStv]

To answer OP's original post:
Instability is a huge factor driving unhappiness. For instance, having to keep track of a schedule that is constantly changing can make people jumpy and nervous. So modern work schedules of contractors or retail workers, where you frequently don't know from day to day when you'll start or finish work, are maddening. Or even if you do know, having a different schedule every day is confusing.

Furthermore, our leisure also throws sand in the gears. Holidays are nice for breaking up routine, but they're rough when there is no routine.

Something that I've noticed from being on the school PTA is that people want to make their mark by coming up with new events or festivals. That's great, but then we're also unwilling to give up some old traditions or events. So we drag on from week to week, organizing event after event, wondering why the families are burned out.  Similarly, every activity has its end of year parties and so forth.  There are also a bunch of events that started during the pandemic (like the graduation car parade) that I think should be phased out as they're no longer needed.

I think we need to declutter holidays and events by simply acknowledging that some are no longer relevant, or by holding them only every other year or every four years. Lack of time, lack of consistency and stability, really are a problem in US society at least.

I think this is highly person-dependent.

I'm personally much happier with an up-in-the-air schedule and get all angsty when my time is too structured or scheduled.

Agreed.  Although I say this as a person who really, really, really likes routine.  I'm happiest when I can plan out what to do with every minute of each waking hour at least several weeks in advance . . . although this stability and path forward gives me joy, having a wife made me realize that this doesn't necessarily make others happy.  :P

[Metalcat]

To answer OP's original post:
Instability is a huge factor driving unhappiness. For instance, having to keep track of a schedule that is constantly changing can make people jumpy and nervous. So modern work schedules of contractors or retail workers, where you frequently don't know from day to day when you'll start or finish work, are maddening. Or even if you do know, having a different schedule every day is confusing.

Furthermore, our leisure also throws sand in the gears. Holidays are nice for breaking up routine, but they're rough when there is no routine.

Something that I've noticed from being on the school PTA is that people want to make their mark by coming up with new events or festivals. That's great, but then we're also unwilling to give up some old traditions or events. So we drag on from week to week, organizing event after event, wondering why the families are burned out.  Similarly, every activity has its end of year parties and so forth.  There are also a bunch of events that started during the pandemic (like the graduation car parade) that I think should be phased out as they're no longer needed.

I think we need to declutter holidays and events by simply acknowledging that some are no longer relevant, or by holding them only every other year or every four years. Lack of time, lack of consistency and stability, really are a problem in US society at least.

I think this is highly person-dependent.

I'm personally much happier with an up-in-the-air schedule and get all angsty when my time is too structured or scheduled.

Agreed.  Although I say this as a person who really, really, really likes routine.  I'm happiest when I can plan out what to do with every minute of each waking hour at least several weeks in advance . . . although this stability and path forward gives me joy, having a wife made me realize that this doesn't necessarily make others happy.  :P

Oof, yeah, that would drive me insane. I'm resistant to virtually any scheduling and consider all time obligations to be a necessary evil of participating in society. If I had my way all plans would be last minute as I feel like doing them.

[Morning Glory]

To answer OP's original post:
Instability is a huge factor driving unhappiness. For instance, having to keep track of a schedule that is constantly changing can make people jumpy and nervous. So modern work schedules of contractors or retail workers, where you frequently don't know from day to day when you'll start or finish work, are maddening. Or even if you do know, having a different schedule every day is confusing.

Furthermore, our leisure also throws sand in the gears. Holidays are nice for breaking up routine, but they're rough when there is no routine.

Something that I've noticed from being on the school PTA is that people want to make their mark by coming up with new events or festivals. That's great, but then we're also unwilling to give up some old traditions or events. So we drag on from week to week, organizing event after event, wondering why the families are burned out.  Similarly, every activity has its end of year parties and so forth.  There are also a bunch of events that started during the pandemic (like the graduation car parade) that I think should be phased out as they're no longer needed.

I think we need to declutter holidays and events by simply acknowledging that some are no longer relevant, or by holding them only every other year or every four years. Lack of time, lack of consistency and stability, really are a problem in US society at least.

I think this is highly person-dependent.

I'm personally much happier with an up-in-the-air schedule and get all angsty when my time is too structured or scheduled.

Agreed.  Although I say this as a person who really, really, really likes routine.  I'm happiest when I can plan out what to do with every minute of each waking hour at least several weeks in advance . . . although this stability and path forward gives me joy, having a wife made me realize that this doesn't necessarily make others happy.  :P

Oof, yeah, that would drive me insane. I'm resistant to virtually any scheduling and consider all time obligations to be a necessary evil of participating in society. If I had my way all plans would be last minute as I feel like doing them.

Having a flexible schedule that you have complete control over is totally different than having someone else jerk you around from day to day.

[Metalcat]

Having a flexible schedule that you have complete control over is totally different than having someone else jerk you around from day to day.

100%

I think this entire point can be distilled down to having autonomy, which is well established as a prerequisite for psychological well being.

Although the existentialists would say that we have autonomy and capacity to find purpose in any circumstance.

[GuitarStv]

Having a flexible schedule that you have complete control over is totally different than having someone else jerk you around from day to day.

100%

I think this entire point can be distilled down to having autonomy, which is well established as a prerequisite for psychological well being.

Although the existentialists would say that we have autonomy and capacity to find purpose in any circumstance.

You are a biological machine operating to the specifications you were built to, conditioned by your lifetime of stimuli, and reacting to your current stimuli.  Free will is a nice idea, but seems like a technical impossibility.  Therefore autonomy cannot exist.

[Metalcat]

Having a flexible schedule that you have complete control over is totally different than having someone else jerk you around from day to day.

100%

I think this entire point can be distilled down to having autonomy, which is well established as a prerequisite for psychological well being.

Although the existentialists would say that we have autonomy and capacity to find purpose in any circumstance.

You are a biological machine operating to the specifications you were built to, conditioned by your lifetime of stimuli, and reacting to your current stimuli.  Free will is a nice idea, but seems like a technical impossibility.  Therefore autonomy cannot exist.

Ugh, sure, fine, I don't engage on that particular debate.

But if we keep it to the realm of human experience, if you want me to categorize it as "perceived autonomy" then that's fine.

Whatever it takes not to get into the fucking "free will" debate yet again. Not doing it.

[Morning Glory]

Having a flexible schedule that you have complete control over is totally different than having someone else jerk you around from day to day.

100%

I think this entire point can be distilled down to having autonomy, which is well established as a prerequisite for psychological well being.

Although the existentialists would say that we have autonomy and capacity to find purpose in any circumstance.

You are a biological machine operating to the specifications you were built to, conditioned by your lifetime of stimuli, and reacting to your current stimuli.  Free will is a nice idea, but seems like a technical impossibility.  Therefore autonomy cannot exist.

Ugh, sure, fine, I don't engage on that particular debate.

But if we keep it to the realm of human experience, if you want me to categorize it as "perceived autonomy" then that's fine.

Whatever it takes not to get into the fucking "free will" debate yet again. Not doing it.

Let's talk about fake autonomy as a toxic management strategy then, e.g. let employees enter their preferred schedule then change it to however you want without regard for consistency.  "Shared decision making " where you put all the brown nosers on the committee and get them to hand down orders for you is another one I've experienced.

[Metalcat]

Having a flexible schedule that you have complete control over is totally different than having someone else jerk you around from day to day.

100%

I think this entire point can be distilled down to having autonomy, which is well established as a prerequisite for psychological well being.

Although the existentialists would say that we have autonomy and capacity to find purpose in any circumstance.

You are a biological machine operating to the specifications you were built to, conditioned by your lifetime of stimuli, and reacting to your current stimuli.  Free will is a nice idea, but seems like a technical impossibility.  Therefore autonomy cannot exist.

Ugh, sure, fine, I don't engage on that particular debate.

But if we keep it to the realm of human experience, if you want me to categorize it as "perceived autonomy" then that's fine.

Whatever it takes not to get into the fucking "free will" debate yet again. Not doing it.

Let's talk about fake autonomy as a toxic management strategy then, e.g. let employees enter their preferred schedule then change it to however you want without regard for consistency.  "Shared decision making " where you put all the brown nosers on the committee and get them to hand down orders for you is another one I've experienced.

Yeah, I read a great book called "McMindfulness" which was specifically about mindfulness specifically, but was a great example of how psychological tools are used against employees in a corporate context.

It was specifically discussing how mindfulness techniques are pushed on staff as a method for better tolerating toxic situations *instead of* asserting autonomy against them.

[Morning Glory]

Having a flexible schedule that you have complete control over is totally different than having someone else jerk you around from day to day.

100%

I think this entire point can be distilled down to having autonomy, which is well established as a prerequisite for psychological well being.

Although the existentialists would say that we have autonomy and capacity to find purpose in any circumstance.

You are a biological machine operating to the specifications you were built to, conditioned by your lifetime of stimuli, and reacting to your current stimuli.  Free will is a nice idea, but seems like a technical impossibility.  Therefore autonomy cannot exist.

Ugh, sure, fine, I don't engage on that particular debate.

But if we keep it to the realm of human experience, if you want me to categorize it as "perceived autonomy" then that's fine.

Whatever it takes not to get into the fucking "free will" debate yet again. Not doing it.

Let's talk about fake autonomy as a toxic management strategy then, e.g. let employees enter their preferred schedule then change it to however you want without regard for consistency.  "Shared decision making " where you put all the brown nosers on the committee and get them to hand down orders for you is another one I've experienced.

Yeah, I read a great book called "McMindfulness" which was specifically about mindfulness specifically, but was a great example of how psychological tools are used against employees in a corporate context.

It was specifically discussing how mindfulness techniques are pushed on staff as a method for better tolerating toxic situations *instead of* asserting autonomy against them.

Added to my reading list!!! For a while the place I worked had a rotation of quotes about mindfulness and gratitude as their screen saver. I knew there was something a little off about it.

"Bright sided" by Barbara Ehrenreich is one I liked about toxic positivity. It goes into prosperity gospel and cancer rhetoric, in addition to corporate culture.

[mspym]

The pushing mindfulness so employees accept shitty conditions instead of taking action to change or escape them is classic corporate bullshit. It also pushes the 'solution' back on to the individual, whereas change would require collective action which would also meet some of our needs for community and feeling as though we have some control over our environment.

Instability of scheduling causing an inability to plan ahead also threatens our sense of control as well as having specific material disadvantages - child care, other appointments, sleep disruption and so on. Our youngest has had a New Permanent Schedule almost every month for the last year and it's driving him nuts - he just wants a stable work schedule that he can plan other things around.

As far as the internet/social media causing unhappiness? Again, is your relationship to it one that encourages atomisation or connection? From my experience, when I am solely consuming then yes, it's low-quality interactions that start to cause lowgrade discontent and the solution is to get offline and touch some grass. When it's building community or connection, then it can be a positive force.

[Morning Glory]

There is also the unequal division of household labor and the self help industry insisting that we must not ask men for help and must instead praise them for any tiny effort they make (that was in the "what's wrong with straight people" book that Malcat recommended).  Social media might make the burden worse for some people as there can be a competitive aspect to housework, parenting, etc. 

[Metalcat]

There is also the unequal division of household labor and the self help industry insisting that we must not ask men for help and must instead praise them for any tiny effort they make (that was in the "what's wrong with straight people" book that Malcat recommended).  Social media might make the burden worse for some people as there can be a competitive aspect to housework, parenting, etc.

For anyone wondering, the book is called "The Tragedy of Heterosexuality" and it's a phenomenal book, especially if you ever wondered what the current concept of romantic marriage has to do with Nazis...

[mspym]

There is also the unequal division of household labor and the self help industry insisting that we must not ask men for help and must instead praise them for any tiny effort they make (that was in the "what's wrong with straight people" book that Malcat recommended).  Social media might make the burden worse for some people as there can be a competitive aspect to housework, parenting, etc.

For anyone wondering, the book is called "The Tragedy of Heterosexuality" and it's a phenomenal book, especially if you ever wondered what the current concept of romantic marriage has to do with Nazis...

It's in my reading queue but I tend to space out my reading of things that get me angry as systemic issues purely for my own sanity.

[blue_green_sparks]

The "modern" part of the title is suggestive, but it doesn't really apply in my case. Loving life as I do; thoughts of my pending mortality are the only real source of my occasional unhappiness these days. On the flip side, death, by contrast does remind me that every day I am alive is precious.

[Metalcat]

There is also the unequal division of household labor and the self help industry insisting that we must not ask men for help and must instead praise them for any tiny effort they make (that was in the "what's wrong with straight people" book that Malcat recommended).  Social media might make the burden worse for some people as there can be a competitive aspect to housework, parenting, etc.

For anyone wondering, the book is called "The Tragedy of Heterosexuality" and it's a phenomenal book, especially if you ever wondered what the current concept of romantic marriage has to do with Nazis...

It's in my reading queue but I tend to space out my reading of things that get me angry as systemic issues purely for my own sanity.

It's surprisingly *not* a ragey book, at least not IMO. More of a "no shit? Really? I had no idea and I'm so glad I know that now...damn, that changes my perspective on things" kind of book.

Although if someone were in an unhealthy relationship with some toxicity due to gender norms, yeah, I could see it potentially being a target book.

But I would categorized it more as a big hug from a concerned academic lesbian who just wants the straights to have a bit more understanding of the underpinnings of their own marital institution.

[six-car-habit]

If only I could make billboard advertising invisible... ;)

 I saw that in Sao Paulo, Brazil it is illegal to advertise, on billboards or otherwise,- even the fronts of stores were limited to maybe 4 square feet or less for the name of the store.  Someone correct me if i'm wrong here {?}
   Thought i saw it on PBS or maybe " The Greatest Movie Ever Sold " ??.  It was a really nice change, you could focus on the architecture of the city more...

[GuitarStv]

Having a flexible schedule that you have complete control over is totally different than having someone else jerk you around from day to day.

100%

I think this entire point can be distilled down to having autonomy, which is well established as a prerequisite for psychological well being.

Although the existentialists would say that we have autonomy and capacity to find purpose in any circumstance.

You are a biological machine operating to the specifications you were built to, conditioned by your lifetime of stimuli, and reacting to your current stimuli.  Free will is a nice idea, but seems like a technical impossibility.  Therefore autonomy cannot exist.

Ugh, sure, fine, I don't engage on that particular debate.

But if we keep it to the realm of human experience, if you want me to categorize it as "perceived autonomy" then that's fine.

Whatever it takes not to get into the fucking "free will" debate yet again. Not doing it.

No hard feelings, it's not like any of us have a choice in the matter.

:D

[Just Joe]

If only I could make billboard advertising invisible... ;)

 I saw that in Sao Paulo, Brazil it is illegal to advertise, on billboards or otherwise,- even the fronts of stores were limited to maybe 4 square feet or less for the name of the store.  Someone correct me if i'm wrong here {?}
   Thought i saw it on PBS or maybe " The Greatest Movie Ever Sold " ??.  It was a really nice change, you could focus on the architecture of the city more...

Thanks! I'll look for it.

[wenchsenior]

There is also the unequal division of household labor and the self help industry insisting that we must not ask men for help and must instead praise them for any tiny effort they make (that was in the "what's wrong with straight people" book that Malcat recommended).  Social media might make the burden worse for some people as there can be a competitive aspect to housework, parenting, etc.

For anyone wondering, the book is called "The Tragedy of Heterosexuality" and it's a phenomenal book, especially if you ever wondered what the current concept of romantic marriage has to do with Nazis...

It's in my reading queue but I tend to space out my reading of things that get me angry as systemic issues purely for my own sanity.

It's surprisingly *not* a ragey book, at least not IMO. More of a "no shit? Really? I had no idea and I'm so glad I know that now...damn, that changes my perspective on things" kind of book.

Although if someone were in an unhealthy relationship with some toxicity due to gender norms, yeah, I could see it potentially being a target book.

But I would categorized it more as a big hug from a concerned academic lesbian who just wants the straights to have a bit more understanding of the underpinnings of their own marital institution.

Thanks for the rec!

[roomtempmayo]

What I'm trying to get at here is - are there underlying causes driving some of these things?

Things that we can easily fix as a society?

Thoughts?

I don't think any of what you describe is fixable at a society-wide level.  However, it's entirely possible to take individual action that will likely make a difference for your life.

Places that have a lot of happy people tend to have traits in common.

1) They have low levels of social inequality.
2) They are built to increase casual social interaction with a high degree of social trust.
3) They are rich by world standards.
4) A high percentage of jobs are meaningful.
5) Work is a limited part of life.

Let me know if you want specific cites, but this my recollection of the top line take home points in the happiness research done on Nordic countries.  I haven't read back through it recently, but I can probably dig it back up.  There's also a good popular podcast from a professor at Princeton(?) called something like The Happiness Project.

The practical way to live in the sort of community in the United States is to create it yourself.  If you take the Usonia Community in New York that Frank Lloyd Wright developed, among the original owners there were something like two divorces out of 40ish couples over several decades (sorry for being vague, old reading).  These deliberate little communities are amazing when they're based on shared values and underwritten with abundant resources.

You might not be able to build your own Usonia, but I know people who have bought duplexes and triplexes with family or friends.  I have a group of friends that have gradually bought up most of a city block together and their kids roam from house to house.  I am currently working on a group of friends to buy a failing mom-and-pop resort together and turn it into a little community.  Make the choice to integrate your life with people you care about.  You have a huge family and you're a millionaire.  You can do this if you want.

This is all the opposite of what we're socialized into about financial and household management.  We're socialized into the idea that the nuclear family is an isolated unit, and that you should make your choices based on what is best for that family unit with minimal concern for your extended web of attachments.  And by all means, the social wisdom tells us, don't get entangled with friends or family, financially or otherwise.  The problem is that all of that isolation and me/us-first mentality make us unhappy.

[blue_green_sparks]

I constantly read how people feel social media is responsible for much of their unhappiness. If this is really true, why don't they just stop checking in? Seems like an obvious solution....or does everyone else have to stop loggin in too? Personally I don't use FB or twitter, however sites like this are very valuable.

[Psychstache]

I constantly read how people feel social media is responsible for much of their unhappiness. If this is really true, why don't they just stop checking in? Seems like an obvious solution....or does everyone else have to stop loggin in too? Personally I don't use FB or twitter, however sites like this are very valuable.

people engage in all sorts of behavior that they know is bad for them: cocaine, heroine, cheeseburgers, cigarettes, working in a dimly lit office, alcohol. Knowledge that a behavior is bad for you is not the impetus for change.