Explain Your Job, Poorly

[irishbear99]

99% of my job is following this process:
Step 1: I write about what we are going to do and how we are going to do it.
Step 2: I share what I write with coworkers and boss.
Step 3: No one reads what I write.
Step 4: Something happens that requires everyone to do what we are supposed to be doing how we're supposed to do it. No one but me knows what they're supposed to do or how they're supposed to do it because no one read what I wrote.
Step 5: If I am present when the something happens, I tell everyone what they're supposed to do.
Step 6: If I am not present when the something happens, they make shit up instead of reading what I wrote.
Step 7: Afterwards, we have multiple meetings where they provide input regarding what should be written about what we do and how we do it. Often, this input is already included in what I wrote. Boss tells me I need to do a better job sharing what I write.
Step 8: I bang my head against the wall and scream in frustration.
Step 9: I take the input provided and return to step 1 to start the process again.

1% of my job is actually making a difference in people's lives. I live for this 1%.

[Travis]

99% of my job is following this process:
Step 1: I write about what we are going to do and how we are going to do it.
Step 2: I share what I write with coworkers and boss.
Step 3: No one reads what I write.
Step 4: Something happens that requires everyone to do what we are supposed to be doing how we're supposed to do it. No one but me knows what they're supposed to do or how they're supposed to do it because no one read what I wrote.
Step 5: If I am present when the something happens, I tell everyone what they're supposed to do.
Step 6: If I am not present when the something happens, they make shit up instead of reading what I wrote.
Step 7: Afterwards, we have multiple meetings where they provide input regarding what should be written about what we do and how we do it. Often, this input is already included in what I wrote. Boss tells me I need to do a better job sharing what I write.
Step 8: I bang my head against the wall and scream in frustration.
Step 9: I take the input provided and return to step 1 to start the process again.

1% of my job is actually making a difference in people's lives. I live for this 1%.

Being ignored is one of the hallmarks of my job too.  Last summer our higher headquarters told us a change to our computer network was coming that would affect everyone in the organization.  This change would require the staff of the subordinate commands in my organization to be proactive and do some things to prepare for this change.  I briefed this almost every week for a year to the subordinate staffs (note: I outrank them and we have similar jobs and they get policies and guidance from me, but they don't work for me).  Every time they acknowledged the change was coming and even discussed it in our meetings.  Two weeks ago something happened that affected a bunch of employees in a way that I had warned them all for months would eventually happened.  The staff officer who came to me with the problem (whose job it was to think and act ahead and prevent this problem) responded with "but where was it written that we had to do this?"

If only facepunches were actually legal....

[Kiwi Fuzz]

The Waiting Game.

Or ask people to do things, wait, wait, wait, remind them again to do the things, wait, wait, wait, do a thing now that their thing is done, ask them to do another thing, wait, wait, wait....explain how to do the thing they should already know how to do, wait, wait, wait...

[irishbear99]

99% of my job is following this process:
Step 1: I write about what we are going to do and how we are going to do it.
Step 2: I share what I write with coworkers and boss.
Step 3: No one reads what I write.
Step 4: Something happens that requires everyone to do what we are supposed to be doing how we're supposed to do it. No one but me knows what they're supposed to do or how they're supposed to do it because no one read what I wrote.
Step 5: If I am present when the something happens, I tell everyone what they're supposed to do.
Step 6: If I am not present when the something happens, they make shit up instead of reading what I wrote.
Step 7: Afterwards, we have multiple meetings where they provide input regarding what should be written about what we do and how we do it. Often, this input is already included in what I wrote. Boss tells me I need to do a better job sharing what I write.
Step 8: I bang my head against the wall and scream in frustration.
Step 9: I take the input provided and return to step 1 to start the process again.

1% of my job is actually making a difference in people's lives. I live for this 1%.

Being ignored is one of the hallmarks of my job too.  Last summer our higher headquarters told us a change to our computer network was coming that would affect everyone in the organization.  This change would require the staff of the subordinate commands in my organization to be proactive and do some things to prepare for this change.  I briefed this almost every week for a year to the subordinate staffs (note: I outrank them and we have similar jobs and they get policies and guidance from me, but they don't work for me).  Every time they acknowledged the change was coming and even discussed it in our meetings.  Two weeks ago something happened that affected a bunch of employees in a way that I had warned them all for months would eventually happened.  The staff officer who came to me with the problem (whose job it was to think and act ahead and prevent this problem) responded with "but where was it written that we had to do this?"

If only facepunches were actually legal....

Guess it takes one to know one...LOL. (One being someone who works for the military or is in the military.) Yeah, I get the "but where was it written" question, too. My answer is usually, "In the reg we're all supposed to know and follow." The most recent time I went through my process, I actually heard this from the boss: "Guess I should have pulled out the SOP."

/headdesk

[Travis]

99% of my job is following this process:
Step 1: I write about what we are going to do and how we are going to do it.
Step 2: I share what I write with coworkers and boss.
Step 3: No one reads what I write.
Step 4: Something happens that requires everyone to do what we are supposed to be doing how we're supposed to do it. No one but me knows what they're supposed to do or how they're supposed to do it because no one read what I wrote.
Step 5: If I am present when the something happens, I tell everyone what they're supposed to do.
Step 6: If I am not present when the something happens, they make shit up instead of reading what I wrote.
Step 7: Afterwards, we have multiple meetings where they provide input regarding what should be written about what we do and how we do it. Often, this input is already included in what I wrote. Boss tells me I need to do a better job sharing what I write.
Step 8: I bang my head against the wall and scream in frustration.
Step 9: I take the input provided and return to step 1 to start the process again.

1% of my job is actually making a difference in people's lives. I live for this 1%.

Being ignored is one of the hallmarks of my job too.  Last summer our higher headquarters told us a change to our computer network was coming that would affect everyone in the organization.  This change would require the staff of the subordinate commands in my organization to be proactive and do some things to prepare for this change.  I briefed this almost every week for a year to the subordinate staffs (note: I outrank them and we have similar jobs and they get policies and guidance from me, but they don't work for me).  Every time they acknowledged the change was coming and even discussed it in our meetings.  Two weeks ago something happened that affected a bunch of employees in a way that I had warned them all for months would eventually happened.  The staff officer who came to me with the problem (whose job it was to think and act ahead and prevent this problem) responded with "but where was it written that we had to do this?"

If only facepunches were actually legal....

Guess it takes one to know one...LOL. (One being someone who works for the military or is in the military.) Yeah, I get the "but where was it written" question, too. My answer is usually, "In the reg we're all supposed to know and follow." The most recent time I went through my process, I actually heard this from the boss: "Guess I should have pulled out the SOP."

/headdesk

For me the retort I gave was "The end result policy was written, the steps to comply with it were implied and easily apparent if a) you were doing your job and b) if you remember the dozen conversations we had about it last year."

Imagine the problem being my higher headquarters saying "Everyone will bring chicken sandwiches for lunch starting 1 October."  The subordinate battalion was trying to complain that I hadn't told them in writing they needed to go buy chicken.

[Vindicated]

This is fun!

I just started a new role, so I'll do both... then I got carried away and decided to do another previous job.

Previous - I talked to the engineers so the customers don't have to. 

Spoiler: show

(Sales Engineer / Account Manager)

Current - I find different ways to look at numbers in order to prove that someone else is doing their job incorrectly. 

Spoiler: show

(Inventory Management)

To make more sense of my current role: 

Spoiler: show

My company was losing a ton of sales due to not having the correct items in stock, and having stock that never sells.  I'm analyzing past and current inventory & sales data to figure out what we really need.  This really means that I'm trying to prove that the people that place our inventory orders were not ordering the correct items at the right times, though our lack of a real inventory management software program means that they're not completely to blame.  My main goal is to prove to management that we need to invest in software that can make all of our lives a lot easier

Before this company - I stood before hundreds of adolescents and proudly announced that I know many things, and that they should know it too!  Some of them listened. 

Spoiler: show

(Physics Teacher)

[LibrarianFuzz]

I do security. I yell at people for eating, drinking, playing music, screaming, sleeping, defecating, and bringing huge amounts of luggage and/or shopping carts into my space. I also try to catch small children that have been dropped off into my space while their parents drive away and go do fun things. Then I call the police to come say bad things to those parents.

I also guard books. I do whatever necessary to keep these books from leaving my space and going into people's homes, where they can be tortured, burned, drowned, defaced, or sent to solitary confinement (lost.)

[Fomerly known as something]

Could be healthcare, but guessing police or military.

You got the general category on keeping people I don't particularly like alive.

[aetheldrea]

I draw on large pieces of paper with a red pencil then send it to someone else to re-draw on a computer. Or if someone else has already done the drawing, I scribble on it with a red pencil and then type out an explanation of why the drawing does not meet my company's standards.

[Torran]

People who have already decided to spend money phone me up and I help them with the process of spending their money.

I have to count up how many people phoned me and then tell a group of people in a room what the number is.

Sometimes I'm yelled at because the number is not high enough. Sometimes I'm congratulated because the number is high enough.

[robartsd]

I draw on large pieces of paper with a red pencil then send it to someone else to re-draw on a computer. Or if someone else has already done the drawing, I scribble on it with a red pencil and then type out an explanation of why the drawing does not meet my company's standards.

This sounds like an engineer directing draftsmen.

[Drew0311]

I work for the 21st century motor company.

[Just Joe]

I do security. I yell at people for eating, drinking, playing music, screaming, sleeping, defecating, and bringing huge amounts of luggage and/or shopping carts into my space. I also try to catch small children that have been dropped off into my space while their parents drive away and go do fun things. Then I call the police to come say bad things to those parents.

I also guard books. I do whatever necessary to keep these books from leaving my space and going into people's homes, where they can be tortured, burned, drowned, defaced, or sent to solitary confinement (lost.)

Librarian was my guess and then I saw your username... ;)

I love libraries and count librarians among my very best friends.

[Phy to FI]

I put on my uniform, name tag, and hair net, then go meet the customer. After filling out a short questionnaire with the customer, we go to a back room where I blind them, gag them, and tie them down. Then I build myself a fort (no one else is allowed in) and try to ignore what my co-workers are doing to the customer. Every once in a while, one of my co-workers will ask me to get up out of my chair and push a button for him. The button in question is less than a foot from his hand, but he can't push it, cause rules.

[lost_in_the_endless_aisle]

^dominatrix?

[solon]

^dominatrix?

Dental Hygienist

[lost_in_the_endless_aisle]

^dominatrix?

Dental Hygienist

boo!