Author Topic: Explain Your Job, Poorly  (Read 20979 times)

Poundwise

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #100 on: January 15, 2017, 06:51:30 AM »
I do all the crappy jobs of life for a bunch of people who don't want me to do these things at all.

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cdttmm

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #101 on: January 15, 2017, 07:53:03 AM »
I tell other people (mostly young adults) stuff that I know. I tell them which books to read so that they can know stuff, too. Later on I make them answer a lot of questions to demonstrate that they now know stuff.

Hey It's Me

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #102 on: January 15, 2017, 07:56:42 AM »
I do all the crappy jobs of life for a bunch of people who don't want me to do these things at all.

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ahoy

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #103 on: January 15, 2017, 02:17:05 PM »
I go for walks and sometimes need to bend down with a bag in my hand to pick up stuff.   Also, clients pay me pretty good when they go away to enter their homes and open a tin can.   

Travis

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #104 on: January 15, 2017, 02:57:27 PM »
On an exciting day I find new ways for the bureaucracy to be more efficient.  Immediately afterwards the bureaucracy fills that time void with more bureaucracy.  On a boring but more common day I politely inform my older and often higher ranking coworkers they have the technological acumen of a dog chasing its tail and no I can't do that thing that would be more convenient for you but illegal and probably detrimental to national security.  When I'm doing my job well I'm the most invisible person in the organization.  When my job hits a snag I'm only slightly more desirable than someone who kicks puppies.


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MonkeyJenga

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #105 on: January 15, 2017, 03:14:54 PM »
When my job hits a snag I'm only slightly more desirable than someone who kicks puppies.

But I bet you're way more desirable than someone who shoots puppies.

tralfamadorian

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #106 on: January 15, 2017, 03:29:32 PM »
People pay me to hit things with a hammer and set the things on fire with a blowtorch.

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #107 on: January 15, 2017, 03:33:04 PM »
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Sailor Sam

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #108 on: January 15, 2017, 06:30:43 PM »
On an exciting day I find new ways for the bureaucracy to be more efficient.  Immediately afterwards the bureaucracy fills that time void with more bureaucracy.  On a boring but more common day I politely inform my older and often higher ranking coworkers they have the technological acumen of a dog chasing its tail and no I can't do that thing that would be more convenient for you but illegal and probably detrimental to national security.

This is generally my life. :(

MarcherLady

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #109 on: January 15, 2017, 07:09:38 PM »
Team A's job is to do their job. 
Team B's job is to check that Team A has done their job properly.
Team C's job is to check that Team B has done their job properly.
My job is to check that Team C has done their job properly.
Then my boss checks that I have done my job properly.

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Johnez

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #110 on: January 16, 2017, 02:21:25 AM »
I pick things up and put things down. I build a block of random drinks, then cover it with a super thin clear  and strong substance, then place it in a box with wheels.

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Sloeginfizz

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #111 on: January 16, 2017, 06:05:24 AM »
I do whatever the attorneys tell me to do.

BigHaus89

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #112 on: January 16, 2017, 03:14:52 PM »
I make sure light bulbs turn on.

LivlongnProsper

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #113 on: January 17, 2017, 02:36:47 PM »
I start every day by explaining my job, poorly, to other people.

Then I look at instructions for making things work poorly, and I try to follow those instructions very well.

Then I instruct my computer to work poorly and slowly, and I push a button to tell my computer to do the next thing it should do so I can see if it does it poorly like I asked it to.

I continue hitting that button until I verify that it did its job poorly and then I tell the computer to do things differently next time.

Me too except my computer works poorly on its own.
Actions speak louder than words.

GeeGnome

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #114 on: January 17, 2017, 08:29:11 PM »
I remind clients how not to kill their customers. Also I help them pour money down the drain.

Baking Powder

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #115 on: January 17, 2017, 09:25:27 PM »
I pass gas that smells like rotten eggs.

By the River

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #116 on: January 19, 2017, 02:37:36 PM »
For the last few months, my job has been to watch as other people take multiple old systems that produced numbers and words and replace these systems with one super-duper new system that produces words and numbers.  I throw in suggestions from time-to-time and will have to write a report that no one will read.

Last week, my job was to review employee names and numbers to make sure the new super-duper system produced the same numbers as the old systems would have done.  I only did half the job…I looked to see if the employee names had bigger numbers associated because if the numbers were smaller, the employee would let us know.   

lost_in_the_endless_aisle

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #117 on: January 19, 2017, 07:31:24 PM »
I make up lies and tell them to my boss. That way, when my boss tells his boss what he knows, he can do so without knowingly lying.

Pizzabrewer

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #118 on: January 19, 2017, 07:41:47 PM »
I work with the embryos of tall, slender life-forms.  Before I get them these embryos have been tortured and roasted to death.

My job is to crush them and cook them to create a substance which is then decomposed by fungus.
« Last Edit: January 19, 2017, 07:44:32 PM by Pizzabrewer »

peregrine

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #119 on: January 19, 2017, 07:47:16 PM »
The Good Version:
  I help shape the future of our great nation.

The Bad Version:
   Most of my effort (90% +) is wasted.

The Ugly:
   Without me, parents would go bankrupt on babysitting and/or legal fees.

Ha!
You can change things.

solon

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #120 on: January 19, 2017, 08:12:54 PM »
The Good Version:
  I help shape the future of our great nation.

The Bad Version:
   Most of my effort (90% +) is wasted.

The Ugly:
   Without me, parents would go bankrupt on babysitting and/or legal fees.

Ha!

I HAVE to know what you do! Please tell!

Paul der Krake

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #121 on: January 19, 2017, 08:27:31 PM »
The Good Version:
  I help shape the future of our great nation.

The Bad Version:
   Most of my effort (90% +) is wasted.

The Ugly:
   Without me, parents would go bankrupt on babysitting and/or legal fees.

Ha!

I HAVE to know what you do! Please tell!
My money is on public school teacher.

Linda_Norway

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #122 on: January 20, 2017, 03:54:53 AM »
I work with the embryos of tall, slender life-forms.  Before I get them these embryos have been tortured and roasted to death.

My job is to crush them and cook them to create a substance which is then decomposed by fungus.

Beer brewer?

TravelJunkyQC

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #123 on: January 20, 2017, 08:48:47 AM »
I take thoughts that my bosses have in their head, and decipher them in my head, then dumb them down. I convert these thoughts into squiggly lines. I press buttons to make those squiggly lines appear in my magic box. I press more buttons and my magic box sends these squiggly lines to other magic boxes for other people to see.

This makes people send us money.

Then I do it again.

RetiredAt63

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #124 on: January 20, 2017, 08:52:29 AM »
I work with the embryos of tall, slender life-forms.  Before I get them these embryos have been tortured and roasted to death.

My job is to crush them and cook them to create a substance which is then decomposed by fungus.

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Poundwise

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #125 on: January 20, 2017, 09:48:17 AM »
I pass gas that smells like rotten eggs.

Ha!

Are you some sort of inspector?  Inquiring minds want to know!

markbike528CBX

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #126 on: January 20, 2017, 11:03:28 AM »
I remove the stain from the inside of stainless steel, so people are very slightly safer working near the outside of the stainless steel.

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Bracken_Joy

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #127 on: January 20, 2017, 11:44:44 AM »
I pass gas that smells like rotten eggs.

Ha!

Are you some sort of inspector?  Inquiring minds want to know!

I'm guessing he works with natural gas. =)
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robartsd

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #128 on: January 20, 2017, 01:38:56 PM »
My job is to share information with leaders in the group I work for. Much of the information I share is about people who work for my group. I get this information from an information service from the group that controls my group's money. The group that controls my group's money has the information about the people who work for my group because people who work for my group give them the information so they will pay people who work for my group. My group has to pay to use this information service. Often leaders will want information about the people who work for my group and I will be asked by my leader to ask for this information. Usually the leaders do not say exactly what information they want so my leader and I have to guess. When we guess, we are usually wrong, so we get asked to ask for different information.

I am also asked to change some of the information on my group's system for sharing information with all the people that work for my group when the information needs changing. I do not know when the information needs changing and the people who change the information often do not tell me when it changes. When my leader's leaders notice that the information is not right, I am asked to make it right. I have to find the people who changed the information and ask them for the right information. I am asked to do this because I am a person who likes information boxes even though I do not know much about the information I am asked to change.

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nessness

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #129 on: January 20, 2017, 01:56:36 PM »
I look at squiggly lines on a computer screen and turn them into dots. Then I decide what the dots mean. I also make a lot of spreadsheets.

couponvan

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #130 on: January 20, 2017, 04:48:28 PM »
Team A's job is to do their job. 
Team B's job is to check that Team A has done their job properly.
Team C's job is to check that Team B has done their job properly.
My job is to check that Team C has done their job properly.
Then my boss checks that I have done my job properly.

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Ha....You have done an excellent job describing your job poorly! 
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Fomerly known as something

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #131 on: January 21, 2017, 12:13:48 PM »
Make sure people I don't particularly like or respect stay alive.

Baking Powder

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #132 on: January 21, 2017, 04:55:23 PM »
I pass gas that smells like rotten eggs.

Ha!

Are you some sort of inspector?  Inquiring minds want to know!

Bracken got it right.  I work on equipment that ensures that people who want natural gas get it without anything bad happening to them or anyone else. I also work on the equipment that ensures that my company has enough money to pay me for doing it.

Playing with Fire UK

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #133 on: January 22, 2017, 02:51:01 PM »
Make sure people I don't particularly like or respect stay alive.

Prison? Healthcare? Day care! It's day care right?

Bicycle_B

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #134 on: January 22, 2017, 03:19:52 PM »
Could be healthcare, but guessing police or military.

peregrine

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #135 on: January 25, 2017, 12:51:18 PM »
The Good Version:
  I help shape the future of our great nation.

The Bad Version:
   Most of my effort (90% +) is wasted.

The Ugly:
   Without me, parents would go bankrupt on babysitting and/or legal fees.

Ha!

I HAVE to know what you do! Please tell!
My money is on public school teacher.

Yah, you got me! High school teacher, public system. It's a calling, to be sure!
You can change things.

stclurker

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #136 on: January 25, 2017, 02:05:08 PM »
I talk to people about their broken crap, I send someone to pick it up and take it somewhere to get un-broken

daveydinner

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #137 on: January 25, 2017, 03:04:21 PM »
I remind my employees that our boss isn't really as nuts as he really is.

MonkeyJenga

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #138 on: January 25, 2017, 07:59:22 PM »
I remind my employees that our boss isn't really as nuts as he really is.

Kellyanne Conway?

CCCA

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #139 on: January 25, 2017, 11:54:14 PM »
I try to figure out how to help keep something important from getting too warm. 

deadlymonkey

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #140 on: January 26, 2017, 06:34:57 AM »
I try to figure out how to help keep something important from getting too warm. 

Climate Scientist.  Your job must suck now.

Unique User

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #141 on: January 26, 2017, 06:50:33 AM »
Clients tell Managers/Sales what they want, the Managers/Sales then tell me.  I break it down into tasks and tell other people to do it. 

jinga nation

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #142 on: January 26, 2017, 12:02:11 PM »
I take it in the mouth and up the butt in an effort to provide happy endings. I get paid decently well for it.

You would not be the first (or second or third) sex worker to frequent the forums.

Afaik sex workers have a huge earning potential when young but usually short careers, so this forum would be a very good place for them.

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rulesofacquisition

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #143 on: January 27, 2017, 07:07:46 PM »
Creep around under people's houses, or in their attics, or maybe just their closets. Ask them to give me a substantial amount of money so they can avoid practicing Stoicism.

fuzzy math

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #144 on: January 31, 2017, 06:34:31 PM »
I take your blood to the amusement park
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PhilB

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #145 on: February 02, 2017, 03:44:40 AM »
People ask me complicated questions about things I don't understand.  I make them explain it so simply that any idiot could tell them the answer.  Then I tell them the answer.

CCCA

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #146 on: February 02, 2017, 09:18:17 AM »
I try to figure out how to help keep something important from getting too warm. 

Climate Scientist.  Your job must suck now.


Almost.  Energy researcher focused on reducing CO2 emissions.  Luckily, this is less controversial than climate science.  But some government grants are still in jeopardy.


I know this thread is based on another XKCD comic, but it also reminds me of the "Up goer 5" comic (and book) where he tries to explain very complicated things using only the thousand ("ten hundred") most common english words.   Maybe a metaphor for where the country is headed.
https://xkcd.com/1133/




MonkeyJenga

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #147 on: February 02, 2017, 10:59:38 AM »
I try to figure out how to help keep something important from getting too warm. 

Climate Scientist.  Your job must suck now.


Almost.  Energy researcher focused on reducing CO2 emissions.  Luckily, this is less controversial than climate science.  But some government grants are still in jeopardy.


I know this thread is based on another XKCD comic, but it also reminds me of the "Up goer 5" comic (and book) where he tries to explain very complicated things using only the thousand ("ten hundred") most common english words.   Maybe a metaphor for where the country is headed.
https://xkcd.com/1133/

Clear, truthful, informative explanations that don't scare away people who haven't spent years memorizing technical jargon?

I wish that was where our country is heading.

katstache92

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #148 on: February 02, 2017, 01:44:26 PM »
I take lots of boring numbers and try to turn them into something that makes sense.  And it must be pretty when it makes sense or everyone will ignore it.  Actually, they will ignore it anyway if it doesn't say what they want.

I also help other people do their jobs using a magic box and a different language.  I barely understand this language but apparently can google better than anyone else.

tryingtosave

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Re: Explain Your Job, Poorly
« Reply #149 on: February 02, 2017, 02:17:05 PM »
I spend 80% of my day going from room to room. Room A with a few people listening to what they want. Then go to room B with a few other people trying to figure out what we can do about what the people in room A wanted. Then go to room C to talk to some more people to see how much it would cost to do what we figured out in room B. Then go to room D to see if we can afford the #s from Room C. Then we go back to room A and tell them sorry we can or can't do what you want. Which leads to them telling us more of what they want or that they changed their mind and now this is what they want. And then the whole cycle goes again for a few months until we finally have a plan and can actually start to do our real job.