Explain Your Job, Poorly

[minority_finance_mo]

Title says it all: Explain what you do poorly.


Here's mine from my last job.

I stare at tiny boxes and hope they'll move in ways I want them to. They often don't, and I get mad. From time to time another adult asks about the boxes and then she too gets mad that the boxes haven't moved. I'm told that there is a whole line of such people getting mad at the lack of movement from these boxes. I will the boxes to move better.

[Bracken_Joy]

I write down what a whooshy-sounding machine says. I move very, very fast if the machine stops whooshing, to ensure it wooshes again. I also wipe up a lot of poop.

Spoiler: show

I'm a pediatric nurse who works with kids on ventilators.

[BudgetSlasher]

I make it harder for you to do what you want to do in this state.

[minority_finance_mo]

I write down what a whooshy-sounding machine says. I move very, very fast if the machine stops whooshing, to ensure it wooshes again. I also wipe up a lot of poop.

I make it harder for you to do what you want to do in this state.

Amazing! I have no idea what either of these could be haha (Although I would guess, BudgetSlasher, you work with the state government.)

[Bracken_Joy]

I write down what a whooshy-sounding machine says. I move very, very fast if the machine stops whooshing, to ensure it wooshes again. I also wipe up a lot of poop.

I make it harder for you to do what you want to do in this state.

Amazing! I have no idea what either of these could be haha (Although I would guess, BudgetSlasher, you work with the state government.)

I assume you do some sort of programming?

[sol]

[Miss Piggy]

I ask people a lot of questions so they can confirm what my clients already know.

[MoonLiteNite]

I build the machines with lots of parts so it can then make computer parts

[JetBlast]

I sit in a confined space full of lights and switches. In the middle of the space are two handles I can move to increase or decrease the noise level of the room. Occasionally my job involves walking through large buildings full of people. Based on interactions with those people I've deduced that my primary job function while in a large building is helping those people find the restroom.

[RocketSurgeon]

Numbers janitor.

[caracarn]

I have conversations with people in rooms that look similar to mine, read messages from people on a glowing screen, and occasionally listen to words coming out of a plastic stick I place up to my ear.  At times I will sit with more than one person in a larger room and exchange information.  I then spend time in my room trying to interpret what the words I have heard or read really mean, and to try to read the mind of the transmitter to divine what they true goals are because many times they are not clear themselves.  I feel a little like Carnac on Johnny Carson.  I then tell other people who have their own jobs that the can explain poorly, what my interpretation determined and what I feel they need to do.  If I have interpreted correctly, nothing much happens.  If I have interpreted incorrectly, I may get to spend time in another room with a person who has power over me and listen to them tell me that my interpretation was stupid and to learn to interpret better or else.  We enjoy being taken for  granted unlike other groups in our workspace.  If we did not, we would need to take ourselves out back to the woodshed and beat ourselves to the point of death with a wooden mallet due to the soul numbing joy we do not feel for our efforts, since no one understands what we do even when we try to explain our job well.

[QueenAlice]

The Good Version:
I mix science and math to help avoid legal drug dealers from (over) poisoning the general population.

The Bad Version:
I drag and drop nodes on a screen all day and sometimes add math, then share the results with legal drug dealers.

The Ugly Version:
Legal drug dealers pay me money to save them money.

[Chris22]

I spend lots of time looking at clumps of numbers in order to make pretty presentations to tell people how much money they can spend on stuff and the answer is always "less."

[Mountainbug]

I put my hands in people's mouths for money.

[Bracken_Joy]

I put my hands in people's mouths for money.

LOL. This one is my favorite so far. Well done.

[Stachey]

LOL!  I LOVE this thread!

I used to stare at a glowing square box for ten hours a day while sitting motionless in a chair.  The only muscles I ever used were the ones in my right hand, principally the right index finger and right thumb.
Occasionally other people would wander by and I would have to think of polite ways to tell them to fuck off so I could get my work done.

[ysette9]

The bulk of my job is that of a translator/interpreter. I am bi-lingual in Engineering and Program Management and facilitate communication between these two different, mutually unintelligible cultural groups that happen to be employed by the same company.

[Pooplips]

I pull turds out of water.

[FIRE Artist]

 
The previous didn't sound crappy enough!

I work 1.0 FTE with the following breakdown:

.5 FTE MMM surfer
.25 pest to people who just want me to go away and take the project they don't want to do with me.
.25 Guru to minions who are in awe of my mad Excel skills.

[sixkids]

I have people that want to buy rolly-zoomy boxes. They come to me because tjdy oftentimes have less money than is needed, and I put info into a box that then lets me print papers they sign that they will pay the money later. I then tell them they should sign more paper to pay back more money to have more "protection" for their rolly-zoomy box. They then thank me for the help.
About once a month I get called into a room with others like me and we get berated for having little bits of conscience.

[kamille]

Glorified babysitter of tiny humans connected to medical equipment.

[ketchup]

I help keep the particles running on time.

[sixkids]

Glorified babysitter of tiny humans connected to medical equipment.

But you guys are awesome!

[brandino29]

I pay thousands of dollars a year to follow other people around as they tell strangers everything that's wrong with them.

[SisterX]

I move papers from one person to another person, print papers only to recycle them a short time later, and frequently get to tell sales callers to fuck off in the politest way possible.

[imustachemystash]

This post is so funny!

I help kids talk better so they can drive their parents crazy.

[Saskatchewstachian]

My goal everyday is to drive my career into the ground.

If i can accomplish that each and every day then my bonus should be great.

[solon]

See: https://www.xkcd.com/722/

[Bracken_Joy]

Sol and Solon have the same job.

GASP. ARE THEY THE SAME PERSON???

[solon]

Sol and Solon have the same job.

GASP. ARE THEY THE SAME PERSON???

Oops. Missed it. I was wondering why no one had posted it yet.

[matchewed]

Rage counselor, and metal punisher.

[scottish]

I right complicated computer programs to solve inaccurate simulations of the real world.

[havregryn]

I make sure that bureaucrats in a small third world country can understand what obligations their government took on by signing some international treaties.

[iris lily]

I open and close doors all day long for short creatures in fur suits.



My real job:, I am retired, and I work as doorman to our dogs.

[Sailor Sam]

I dress in protective group colouration, except for small metal lozenges that indicate my prestige within the group. When someone with the same protective colouration approaches me, I must carefully examine their lozenges. The one with the lower prestige lozenge must show deference. Deference is shown by lifting the right hand, and flap it near the eyebrow.

Several times each day I walk around with a small plastic rectangle. As I walk, I must press or insert the plastic rectangle into a variety of black boxes. The boxes have no metal lozenges and do not recognize hand flapping, but possess the highest prestige of all.

[Adventine]

I help keep the particles running on time.

Heehee, I like this one!

[Kitsunegari]

I take a text understandable to a fraction of the world population and I make it intelligible to a different fraction of the world population.

[SEAKSR]

I make sure that the papers stay in the boxes the exact amount of time they are required to stay, and no longer.

[Cellista]

I convince foreign governments to be nice to American investors, preferably getting it in writing so the investors have legal recourse.

[LadyStache in Baja]

Very fun!

I drop little bead-like objects into the ground and add water to them so that I can harvest a variety of brightly colored shapes so that I can chop and stir them in a metal container over fire so that I can put them in another container, so that my decomposers can consume it, so that I can collect the decomposition in diapers and throw it in the garbage.

[Jakejake]

One of my previous jobs was to make sure nobody knew what was going on.

Spoiler: show

counterintelligence

[SEAKSR]

One of my previous jobs was to make sure nobody knew what was going on.

How does on obtain such a job?

[couponvan]

I charge you a little bit to make sure no one is stealing a lot of your retirement money.

[Jakejake]

One of my previous jobs was to make sure nobody knew what was going on.

How does on obtain such a job?

The official answer is "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."

[sparkytheop]

Some days I complain about things I know how to fix until someone else fixes them.

[tthree]

I move human excrement from submitted container to a container compatible with instrumentation that will isolate invisible particles.  I precisely combine magical clear liquids with invisible particles and expose combined potion to temperature fluctuations.  This product is pushed through an extensive grid and after more temperature changes and pictures results are released to a population that generally doesn't care.

[sol]

I convert the analog universe into a smaller and more manageable digital one.

[letired]

Pushing tiny little boxes, man. So many boxes, so much pushing. Sometimes I need to wait to push more tiny boxes, so I do jazz hands to pass the time. That last bit is not a job requirement, it just keeps me sane.

[Bicycle_B]

Tap buttons on small machine to convince some electrons to move.  Chortle that my electrons are still large and powerful compared to those that protect food from me.  Collect green paper from nearby people. Push rubber and metal in large box until box moves.  Give electrons or green paper to young person.  Fill box with bits of food.  Burn food until I want to eat it.

Someday I will tap more buttons.

[WerKater]

I also push buttons to make lights appear at just the right positions on rectangle boxes.

But sometimes I (and my team) are hired to explain things to people for money. This is usually because they tried to do something and they failed. I advise them how to to the thing they wanted to do in the future. I then write down a detailed documentation of what I explained and send it to as many involved people as possible.

In 20%(*) of all cases, the people to whom I explained the things do mostly what I said and most of it works. After a while and some more tinkering, most involved people are happy.
In 80% of all cases, the people to whom I explained the things ignore everything I said. They continue to do what they already did before I told them what they should do instead.

Usually, they fail again with they wanted to do and then complain to my boss that my suggestions do not work. I then point to my written documentation and say that they did in fact not follow any of my suggestions. In 60% of those cases they will hire us again to explain things for money....

(*) All percentages made up