Author Topic: Dating Someone With Herpes  (Read 11368 times)

surfhb

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Dating Someone With Herpes
« on: September 22, 2014, 10:45:32 AM »
Hi

Been dealing with something really difficult this weekend.    I recently met a nice girl who informed me she had herpes and we did end up having protected sex about 3 times.    While I really liked this person I was just too nervous about contracting and STD without the assurance that this relationship would last and ended up breaking it off last night in a tear filled phone conversation.   

Has anyone dealt with this situation?     I obviously need to get tested now but was wondering if anyone with the virus can shed some light on the physical signs if infected and how soon they show up?   

What a sad and hopeless situation this is.   :(

swallowtail

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2014, 10:59:40 AM »
Hey Surfhb,

I had a dear friend contract the herp - she was devastated, but did the right thing and was very open with people she was dating.    Two guys bailed on her because of it, but the second one came back because he just cared about her / enjoyed her company too much to let it get in the way.  They seem to be doing really well over a year in. 

Do some research - in the 70s, it wasn't considered a big deal at all.  It is a manageable virus and should not get in the way of loving someone. 

Best of luck!

Edit - haha, sorry I am so bad at reading all the way through sometime.  I just had an anecdote so I wanted to share. 

I think it can take a long time to show up.  Being stressed out about it will definitely cause it to show up sooner.  I think you have to get a blood test after a certain time lapse to be definite on the diagnosis.  Use the optimism gun and don't fret too much, if you have it, stressing about it is not going to lengthen or improve your quality of life (and also it is as big or as little of a deal as you want to make out of it), and if you don't have it - all good!
« Last Edit: September 22, 2014, 11:03:02 AM by swallowtail »

hoodedfalcon

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2014, 11:17:02 AM »
I am sorry you are dealing with this! I had a similar situation come up and like you, decided to end the relationship. I did learn a lot about the herp though, including that 1 in 4 (or 1 in 5 depending on the source) have contracted it and have no idea - no symptoms, etc. They are basically a carrier. I was surprised to find that out because I always assumed there were obvious physical symptoms. The fella I was seeing didn't know he was a carrier until a former partner showed up at his door. He got tested and BAM - positive. No symptoms ever. Luckily he and I were safe anyway and I didn't contract it.

Anyway - three years later and now I always get tested at my yearly exam, just in case.

surfhb

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2014, 12:48:04 PM »
Another question for the group:

Would you ever date someone who had the virus and was upfront?

Field123

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #4 on: September 22, 2014, 01:08:45 PM »
Hi Surf,

I've had a couple girls that I was involved with give me this same news. I did a lot of research on the subject and even spoke to my doctor, who didn't even recommend that I get tested...

My two cents - I would never let this virus prevent me from dating someone. As someone said ahead of me, a ridiculously high percentage of people have it anyway. Furthermore, it's my understanding (I'm a lawyer, not a Dr. speaking here) that its really not very (if at all??) contagious unless the symptoms are physically present at the time of contact. So basically as long as you can avoid having sex during the - probably rare - occasions that sores appear, there isn't anything to worry about.

I believe the stigma associated with herpes far outweighs the actual situation and I think you would agree if you do some research on the subject.


AJ

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #5 on: September 22, 2014, 01:24:18 PM »
Another question for the group:

Would you ever date someone who had the virus and was upfront?

Yes, absolutely. You are less likely to contract HSV from someone who knows they have it and are taking antiviral meds than you are from your average so-and-so. Most people who have it don't know, and therefore aren't taking precautions to prevent it's spread.

If you are serious enough about it to break it off with someone you otherwise liked I hope you only have sex (including oral) within the confines of monogamous relationships, and then only after both partners have been tested and provided clean results. Anything less than that and you are taking greater risks than dating the HSV girl. Most dating adults (that I know, at least) are not that stringent about testing and monogamy before ANY physical relationship develops.

Like Tank said, anyone that has researched the issue knows the stigma is worse than the disease.

KruidigMeisje

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2014, 01:26:00 PM »
Being friends with someone who is sincere, open and brave (which all apply if you're open on a STD) I always would be.
The STD might complicate the physical part. Don't know really how I would react and decide. As people apparently can live with an HIV partner, herpes should be doable.
I just know there several kinds, there being an A, B and C type. All have different effects and different infectability. Check the net on this. This would influence the amount of bother you would have from it. So it might influence your decision.
But whichever your decision: give her the kudos she has earned. Because she did not take the cowardly easy comfort of having a relation and giving you the disease, but took the risk you might back out.

AJ

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2014, 01:31:01 PM »
While I really liked this person I was just too nervous about contracting and STD without the assurance that this relationship would last and ended up breaking it off last night in a tear filled phone conversation.   

I just re-read this part. If your concern was contracting the disease before "assurance the relationship would last" - couldn't you just not have sex until the relationship progressed further?

MrsK

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #8 on: September 22, 2014, 03:12:41 PM »
I read this with interest as 7 years ago the wonderful man I was dating had the same conversation with me.  He assumed it was a deal breaker, but my honest reply was "you won't get rid of me that easily."  We have now been married for 5 blissful years.  The H thing has never been an issue.  I think he has had one break out due to stress in the whole time I have known him.  I have never experienced any issues and have so far not been tested.  At this point, I am not sure it matters to me. 

A wise doctor told me that couples in monogamous relationships will build their own unique "flora" and that lots of sexual health can be gained from not introducing outside bacteria.  In some ways, perhaps, the H factor ensures our fidelity because we are both pretty happy with the flora we have going.  :) 

I think finding someone who shares your values, is fun and funny, someone you are a little in awe of and someone with whom you share amazing chemistry is rare.  Herpes is not rare. 




beeb

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #9 on: September 22, 2014, 04:02:09 PM »
Just a question - are you talking about oral herpes, genital herpes, or both/either?
I know here in Ireland the rate of oral herpes is quite high - many children contract it from parents/family members/schoolmates. I didn't know it would be quite such a dealbreaker.

Genital herpes of course, can be a different thing entirely, much more severe.

former player

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #10 on: September 22, 2014, 04:34:18 PM »
I don't know if you've ever wondered why the IVF industry has expanded at the rate it has, but it is because of the widespread presence of STDs (principally clamydia) which are frequently passed on unknowingly and are symptomless except for the resulting infertility.  Also, the reason why any woman who has ever had sex should be having regular smear tests for cervical cancer is because of the also very often symptomless passing around of a cancer-causing wart virus.  (Recent research suggests that this virus is also a factor in some other cancers, including in men.)

Frankly, herpes is one of the less dangerous and damaging consequences of sex, and as far as I know causes neither infertility or cancer.
Be frugal and industrious, and you will be free (Ben Franklin)

surfhb

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #11 on: September 22, 2014, 04:38:40 PM »
While I really liked this person I was just too nervous about contracting and STD without the assurance that this relationship would last and ended up breaking it off last night in a tear filled phone conversation.   

I just re-read this part. If your concern was contracting the disease before "assurance the relationship would last" - couldn't you just not have sex until the relationship progressed further?

Well here's the part I/we screwed up.    We became intimate very quickly and she didn't reveal the issue until We were half naked on my bed.   Maybe I wasn't thinking clearly since she is very beautiful both inside and out

We had a small tiff earlier in the week that made me think that if we didn't work out ill end up being a 46 year old man who cursed to have this conversation with every women I date for the rest of my life....like dating at my age isn't hard enough already ?    I guess I had a freak out and was rather compulsive

Anyway.....we talked again today and told her what I'm telling you guys.    I indicated I'm not very knowledgable on the facts of the virus and have tons of reading to do now.

Anyways.....I did a lot of damage already....I'm not sure where this is gong to go but appreciate your comments.    I'm starting to think I over reacted but I do like this woman ;)


The Borgs

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #12 on: September 22, 2014, 04:49:35 PM »
Thinking on a slightly different level, this year the first human trials of a herpes vaccine/functional cure were successful. This coming from Dr Ian Frazer (HPV vaccine creator). Chances are (given how successful he is) in a couple of years time, herpes won't be a worry at all.


GuitarStv

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #13 on: September 23, 2014, 06:32:05 AM »
While I really liked this person I was just too nervous about contracting and STD without the assurance that this relationship would last and ended up breaking it off last night in a tear filled phone conversation.   

I just re-read this part. If your concern was contracting the disease before "assurance the relationship would last" - couldn't you just not have sex until the relationship progressed further?

Yeah, this was kinda my thought.  If you're at the point in a relationship where you're willing to have sex, I wouldn't think the herpes thing would matter.

AllChoptUp

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #14 on: September 23, 2014, 06:58:53 AM »
[quote/]  Well here's the part I/we screwed up.    We became intimate very quickly and she didn't reveal the issue until We were half naked on my bed.   Maybe I wasn't thinking clearly since she is very beautiful both inside and out

We had a small tiff earlier in the week that made me think that if we didn't work out ill end up being a 46 year old man who cursed to have this conversation with every women I date for the rest of my life....like dating at my age isn't hard enough already ?    I guess I had a freak out and was rather compulsive

Anyway.....we talked again today and told her what I'm telling you guys.    I indicated I'm not very knowledgable on the facts of the virus and have tons of reading to do now.

Anyways.....I did a lot of damage already....I'm not sure where this is gong to go but appreciate your comments.    I'm starting to think I over reacted but I do like this woman ;)
[/quote]

Well, I was all about "depends on the person and my feelings for them" until OP posted the above.  This doesn't sound so good; she waited until you were both half naked on a bed to tell you.  Makes it much tougher to rationally evaluate her disclosure.  Seems manipulative and would cause me to end the relationship.

Russ

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #15 on: September 23, 2014, 07:19:45 AM »
Well, I was all about "depends on the person and my feelings for them" until OP posted the above.  This doesn't sound so good; she waited until you were both half naked on a bed to tell you.  Makes it much tougher to rationally evaluate her disclosure.  Seems manipulative and would cause me to end the relationship.

You can't imagine a scenario where she thought she had a bit more time to tell OP, but things moved more quickly than expected? It's a delicate balance between speaking too soon and scaring someone off and waiting too late and being seen as manipulative. I think the fact that she told OP at all shows that she's got at least decent character. I'm sure it's a very difficult thing to do.

While I really liked this person I was just too nervous about contracting and STD without the assurance that this relationship would last and ended up breaking it off last night in a tear filled phone conversation.   

I just re-read this part. If your concern was contracting the disease before "assurance the relationship would last" - couldn't you just not have sex until the relationship progressed further?

Yeah, this was kinda my thought.  If you're at the point in a relationship where you're willing to have sex, I wouldn't think the herpes thing would matter.

Many people value sexual compatibility just as much as any other type of compatibility, and finding this out early would be part of finding out whether a partner is relationship material.

surfhb

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #16 on: September 23, 2014, 11:39:27 AM »
Yeah.....putting myself in her shoes, there was really no better time to tell me her situation and I do give her credit since it must be incredibly hard to be in that situation in any dating scenario.

I've done a lot of reading and the consensus online seems to be that it's a topic filled with misconception, lack of education and is way over blown......especially when dealing with 2 people who intend to stay within a monogamous relationship.   
 

pachnik

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #17 on: September 23, 2014, 11:47:03 AM »
Yeah.....putting myself in her shoes, there was really no better time to tell me her situation and I do give her credit since it must be incredibly hard to be in that situation in any dating scenario.

I've done a lot of reading and the consensus online seems to be that it's a topic filled with misconception, lack of education and is way over blown......especially when dealing with 2 people who intend to stay within a monogamous relationship.   
 
+1  I agree exactly with above post.  Huge misconceptions about it and unfortunately, undeserved stigma too.  If the person is up front about it, he/she is a decent person.  I know a few people who have been lied to and this always leaves doubtful feelings about the person who gave them the herpes.  Up front behaviour about this is huge.

RyanAtTanagra

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #18 on: September 23, 2014, 11:49:12 AM »
Yeah.....putting myself in her shoes, there was really no better time to tell me her situation and I do give her credit since it must be incredibly hard to be in that situation in any dating scenario.

I've done a lot of reading and the consensus online seems to be that it's a topic filled with misconception, lack of education and is way over blown......especially when dealing with 2 people who intend to stay within a monogamous relationship.   
 

Yea I wouldn't be concerned or upset at all on the timing of the disclosure.  You're not going to tell someone that until you know you have to, which was probably about that time.

To OP I commend you for being open minded about something that most people wouldn't even consider reconsidering for a half second.

AJ

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #19 on: September 23, 2014, 11:52:22 AM »
Many people value sexual compatibility just as much as any other type of compatibility, and finding this out early would be part of finding out whether a partner is relationship material.

True, but sex during the beginning of a relationship is a terrible indicator of sexual compatibility. All mammals are driven to enjoy novelty in sexual partners. You won't know what the "forever sex" will be like until the relationship has progressed a lot further. In the meantime, there are plenty of other types of compatibility you can explore to see if this person might be a good life partner.

RyanAtTanagra

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #20 on: September 23, 2014, 12:11:01 PM »
Many people value sexual compatibility just as much as any other type of compatibility, and finding this out early would be part of finding out whether a partner is relationship material.

True, but sex during the beginning of a relationship is a terrible indicator of sexual compatibility. All mammals are driven to enjoy novelty in sexual partners. You won't know what the "forever sex" will be like until the relationship has progressed a lot further. In the meantime, there are plenty of other types of compatibility you can explore to see if this person might be a good life partner.

Then wouldn't it be good to get the novelty sex out of the way early so you can see if you're long-term sexually compatible sooner?

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #21 on: September 23, 2014, 01:16:23 PM »
Many people value sexual compatibility just as much as any other type of compatibility, and finding this out early would be part of finding out whether a partner is relationship material.

True, but sex during the beginning of a relationship is a terrible indicator of sexual compatibility. All mammals are driven to enjoy novelty in sexual partners. You won't know what the "forever sex" will be like until the relationship has progressed a lot further. In the meantime, there are plenty of other types of compatibility you can explore to see if this person might be a good life partner.

Then wouldn't it be good to get the novelty sex out of the way early so you can see if you're long-term sexually compatible sooner?


What is the import of 'sexual compatibility' vs the import of everything else in a relationship to you?  To me, the former is relatively unimportant compared to the latter. 

I'm not entirely sold on the concept of 'sexual (in)compatibility' anyway to be honest.  Are we talking about a ginormous hoo-hoo and tiny manly rod of doom?  Are we talking about BO problems?  Are we talking about weird noises?  A little creativity, communication, and openness to trying stuff out can go a long way towards keeping both partners satisfied.  At least in my experience.  YMMV   :P

surfhb

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #22 on: September 23, 2014, 01:23:56 PM »
I've always thought money and sex were the 2 biggest factors that break relationships.    I think with a good sex life many things tend to fall into place. 

fa

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #23 on: September 23, 2014, 01:30:51 PM »
Not to minimize the issue of STD, but the majority of people is the Westerm world is infected with/carrier of the herpes simplex virus.  It is not rare.  In fact, having a non-infected partner is a minority.  Once you get infected, you are a carrier for life.  There is no cure and there likely never will be one.

Still, you should try to remain free of infection: condoms and rubber dams!

surfhb

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #24 on: September 23, 2014, 01:47:35 PM »
Interesting.    The stuff I've been reading has it at 20%

Russ

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #25 on: September 23, 2014, 01:55:48 PM »
20% would be HSV-2 only

hoodedfalcon

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #26 on: September 23, 2014, 01:56:32 PM »
Not to minimize the issue of STD, but the majority of people is the Westerm world is infected with/carrier of the herpes simplex virus.  It is not rare.  In fact, having a non-infected partner is a minority.  Once you get infected, you are a carrier for life.  There is no cure and there likely never will be one.

Still, you should try to remain free of infection: condoms and rubber dams!

I had also heard 20-25%, not majority. Are you including cold sores?

RyanAtTanagra

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #27 on: September 23, 2014, 02:29:43 PM »
What is the import of 'sexual compatibility' vs the import of everything else in a relationship to you?  To me, the former is relatively unimportant compared to the latter. 

I'm not entirely sold on the concept of 'sexual (in)compatibility' anyway to be honest.  Are we talking about a ginormous hoo-hoo and tiny manly rod of doom?  Are we talking about BO problems?  Are we talking about weird noises?  A little creativity, communication, and openness to trying stuff out can go a long way towards keeping both partners satisfied.  At least in my experience.  YMMV   :P

Why do they have to be discovered separately?  I consider it one factor of equal importance as any other.  If one or more partners are sexually unfulfilled in a relationship, it's going to cause just as much of a problem as anything else (unless both partners accept being sexually frustrated as part of being in a long term relationship).

fa

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #28 on: September 23, 2014, 04:42:15 PM »
Not to minimize the issue of STD, but the majority of people is the Westerm world is infected with/carrier of the herpes simplex virus.  It is not rare.  In fact, having a non-infected partner is a minority.  Once you get infected, you are a carrier for life.  There is no cure and there likely never will be one.

Still, you should try to remain free of infection: condoms and rubber dams!

I had also heard 20-25%, not majority. Are you including cold sores?

Yes, herpes virus type 1 and 2 are intermixed bertween cold sores and genital lesions.  They both amount to a similar infection and can both be sexual in nature.

surfhb

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #29 on: September 23, 2014, 10:00:06 PM »
Well Anyway, we talked yesterday.....I like this person enough to continue on with this relationship.      Im learning very quickly how much misinformation and paranoia there is out there.   

BTW.....she has HSV-1 of the genitals.   Its somewhat rare.

AJ

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #30 on: September 24, 2014, 11:19:04 AM »
Why do they have to be discovered separately?

The answer to this was covered above: because he likes her but she has herpes. It is totally reasonable to want to ferret out the other potential compatibility issues before having (seemingly) risky intercourse.

I'm not entirely sold on the concept of 'sexual (in)compatibility' anyway to be honest.  Are we talking about a ginormous hoo-hoo and tiny manly rod of doom?  Are we talking about BO problems?  Are we talking about weird noises?  A little creativity, communication, and openness to trying stuff out can go a long way towards keeping both partners satisfied.  At least in my experience.  YMMV   :P

+1

Well Anyway, we talked yesterday.....I like this person enough to continue on with this relationship.      Im learning very quickly how much misinformation and paranoia there is out there.   

BTW.....she has HSV-1 of the genitals.   Its somewhat rare.

I'm happy for you :)

Also, I read that HSV-1 on genitals, while rare overall, is the most common cause of new cases of herpes in college students because of the prevalence of unprotected oral sex in that population. Not that it matters, since the symptoms are the same, but I thought it was interesting trivia.

RyanAtTanagra

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #31 on: September 24, 2014, 03:02:55 PM »
Why do they have to be discovered separately?

The answer to this was covered above: because he likes her but she has herpes. It is totally reasonable to want to ferret out the other potential compatibility issues before having (seemingly) risky intercourse.

Good point, in this context it makes sense to step back and put sex on hold until it can be determined it's not a concern, or the relationship is worth the concern.

jka468

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #32 on: September 26, 2014, 08:26:11 AM »
Another question for the group:

Would you ever date someone who had the virus and was upfront?

No way. Not necessarily because of the virus in particular, as it can be fairly hard to transmit and can be controlled, but rather because having the genital virus signals poor decision making and most likely reckless promiscuity, two things which are deal breakers when I'm looking for a woman.

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #33 on: September 26, 2014, 08:35:39 AM »
except that it's so common that it really doesn't signal that at all?

jka468

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #34 on: September 26, 2014, 08:41:44 AM »
except that it's so common that it really doesn't signal that at all?

LOL, so glib. Good luck with your flare up goals in 2014.

According to the CDC, 1/6 of people in the US have genital herpes (which is what the OP is talking about), with a lower percentage of college educated people (my dating social group) having the STD than those without a college education. For some crazy reason I don't equate oral/vaginal intercourse and kissing as the same thing.

Sorry, it's a pretty strong signal, considering 85-90% of females in my dating circle would not have genital herpes.
« Last Edit: September 26, 2014, 08:46:47 AM by jka468 »

Russ

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #35 on: September 26, 2014, 09:03:15 AM »
except that it's so common that it really doesn't signal that at all?

LOL, so glib. Good luck with your flare up goals in 2014.

According to the CDC, 1/6 of people in the US have genital herpes (which is what the OP is talking about), with a lower percentage of college educated people (my dating social group) having the STD than those without a college education. For some crazy reason I don't equate oral/vaginal intercourse and kissing as the same thing.

Sorry, it's a pretty strong signal, considering 85-90% of females in my dating circle would not have genital herpes.

Thanks sweetheart, I'm the glibbest.

Is your limit for reckless promiscuity to once have sex with someone who may not have been tested recently? Because that's all you have to do to catch the herp, considering its prevalence (counting both oral and genital since you can catch one from the other) and the fact that it is possible to be infected by a carrier with no symptoms.

If your bar is set any lower than that, then no, having herpes is not a signal of recklessness. If your bar is that high then I think you may be having sex with more reckless people than you think, independent of their viral cleanliness.

I don't mind people preferring to avoid dating someone with herpes. I would probably do the same unless I was super into the girl. But I believe the claim that herpes = recklessness is not necessarily true.
« Last Edit: September 26, 2014, 09:09:01 AM by Russ »

jka468

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #36 on: September 26, 2014, 09:54:01 AM »
except that it's so common that it really doesn't signal that at all?

LOL, so glib. Good luck with your flare up goals in 2014.

According to the CDC, 1/6 of people in the US have genital herpes (which is what the OP is talking about), with a lower percentage of college educated people (my dating social group) having the STD than those without a college education. For some crazy reason I don't equate oral/vaginal intercourse and kissing as the same thing.

Sorry, it's a pretty strong signal, considering 85-90% of females in my dating circle would not have genital herpes.

Thanks sweetheart, I'm the glibbest.

Is your limit for reckless promiscuity to once have sex with someone who may not have been tested recently? Because that's all you have to do to catch the herp, considering its prevalence (counting both oral and genital since you can catch one from the other) and the fact that it is possible to be infected by a carrier with no symptoms.

If your bar is set any lower than that, then no, having herpes is not a signal of recklessness. If your bar is that high then I think you may be having sex with more reckless people than you think, independent of their viral cleanliness.

I don't mind people preferring to avoid dating someone with herpes. I would probably do the same unless I was super into the girl. But I believe the claim that herpes = recklessness is not necessarily true.

The answer to your question is no, but it's pretty darn close. While anyone can potentially get anything from any encounter (lol @ this logic), I like to deal in stats and probability, and it's extremely obvious to me that someone with an STD is much more likely to have a promiscuous past than someone without an STD. Do I know for certain either way? No, but if you can't understand this logic them I've lost all hope in humanity.

Look, regardless of what anyone's standards are in regards to promiscuity (and I really don't care about anyone else's standards, to each their own), I know what my standards are when looking to seriously date someone. As well, I would never seriously date someone if I didn't think they could be my future wife (would rather just have a casual relationship/no relationship if I didn't think the girl was wife material IMO), and I'm not particularly interested in a wife and mother with a reckless past. My situation is different from the OP, but he asked the question and I answered.

Hotstreak

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #37 on: September 26, 2014, 05:51:46 PM »
except that it's so common that it really doesn't signal that at all?

LOL, so glib. Good luck with your flare up goals in 2014.

According to the CDC, 1/6 of people in the US have genital herpes (which is what the OP is talking about), with a lower percentage of college educated people (my dating social group) having the STD than those without a college education. For some crazy reason I don't equate oral/vaginal intercourse and kissing as the same thing.

Sorry, it's a pretty strong signal, considering 85-90% of females in my dating circle would not have genital herpes.

Thanks sweetheart, I'm the glibbest.

Is your limit for reckless promiscuity to once have sex with someone who may not have been tested recently? Because that's all you have to do to catch the herp, considering its prevalence (counting both oral and genital since you can catch one from the other) and the fact that it is possible to be infected by a carrier with no symptoms.

If your bar is set any lower than that, then no, having herpes is not a signal of recklessness. If your bar is that high then I think you may be having sex with more reckless people than you think, independent of their viral cleanliness.

I don't mind people preferring to avoid dating someone with herpes. I would probably do the same unless I was super into the girl. But I believe the claim that herpes = recklessness is not necessarily true.

The answer to your question is no, but it's pretty darn close. While anyone can potentially get anything from any encounter (lol @ this logic), I like to deal in stats and probability, and it's extremely obvious to me that someone with an STD is much more likely to have a promiscuous past than someone without an STD. Do I know for certain either way? No, but if you can't understand this logic them I've lost all hope in humanity.

Look, regardless of what anyone's standards are in regards to promiscuity (and I really don't care about anyone else's standards, to each their own), I know what my standards are when looking to seriously date someone. As well, I would never seriously date someone if I didn't think they could be my future wife (would rather just have a casual relationship/no relationship if I didn't think the girl was wife material IMO), and I'm not particularly interested in a wife and mother with a reckless past. My situation is different from the OP, but he asked the question and I answered.

You're painting with a pretty broad brush, there.  A woman who has had only a few sexual partners may be infected, while a woman who has had 15+ may have avoided infection, through luck or partner selection.  If your goal is to find women with low promiscuity you may be better served by asking them how many partners they have had. 

I know if I wanted to avoid someone with a gambling problem, I wouldn't judge them based on whether they have had a winning lottery ticket, but I would want to know how many tickets they've purchased, or how often they play.

justajane

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #38 on: September 26, 2014, 06:55:51 PM »
Quote
But I believe the claim that herpes = recklessness is not necessarily true.

I have only had sex with one person who is now my husband. And I contracted HSV-1.....of the nipples. I could have just as easily been like the OP's love interest and gotten it vaginally, but thankfully we were smart enough to figure that while my boyfriend (now husband) was having an active cold sore outbreak that he should not venture down there. But apparently you can get cold sores anywhere on your body. The nurse practitioner at the student health center didn't believe me when I told her the lesions on my nipples were probably herpes, but we had them tested and they were HSV-1. (horribly painful, BTW!) For a long time, I had this fear that I couldn't breastfeed, since HSV-1 can be fatal in newborns. But after lots of research and the reassurance of an OB, I have nonetheless breastfed three kids.

Anyway, your thread reminded me of all this ancient history. And my story is an example of how even the most non-promiscuous of people can be unlucky. 
« Last Edit: September 26, 2014, 06:57:26 PM by justajane »

Kriegsspiel

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #39 on: September 26, 2014, 07:16:34 PM »
Easily the hottest and most informative thread on MMM right now. Cold sores on the nipples?! I would have never known!

surfhb

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #40 on: September 27, 2014, 02:34:45 AM »
Another question for the group:

Would you ever date someone who had the virus and was upfront?

No way. Not necessarily because of the virus in particular, as it can be fairly hard to transmit and can be controlled, but rather because having the genital virus signals poor decision making and most likely reckless promiscuity, two things which are deal breakers when I'm looking for a woman.


......and the wheels of ignorance keep turning.  You're embarrassing yourself kiddo.   Also keep in mind that individuals in your social circle have had less sexual partners then someone who is 46 so education is far less a factor.    Btw.....this woman is a tax lawyer and was married most of her adult life.

Anyways.......interesting note:  roughly %55 of blacks have the virus....far higher then any other group
« Last Edit: September 27, 2014, 03:05:38 AM by surfhb »

jka468

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #41 on: October 06, 2014, 02:45:48 PM »
except that it's so common that it really doesn't signal that at all?

LOL, so glib. Good luck with your flare up goals in 2014.

According to the CDC, 1/6 of people in the US have genital herpes (which is what the OP is talking about), with a lower percentage of college educated people (my dating social group) having the STD than those without a college education. For some crazy reason I don't equate oral/vaginal intercourse and kissing as the same thing.

Sorry, it's a pretty strong signal, considering 85-90% of females in my dating circle would not have genital herpes.

Thanks sweetheart, I'm the glibbest.

Is your limit for reckless promiscuity to once have sex with someone who may not have been tested recently? Because that's all you have to do to catch the herp, considering its prevalence (counting both oral and genital since you can catch one from the other) and the fact that it is possible to be infected by a carrier with no symptoms.

If your bar is set any lower than that, then no, having herpes is not a signal of recklessness. If your bar is that high then I think you may be having sex with more reckless people than you think, independent of their viral cleanliness.

I don't mind people preferring to avoid dating someone with herpes. I would probably do the same unless I was super into the girl. But I believe the claim that herpes = recklessness is not necessarily true.

The answer to your question is no, but it's pretty darn close. While anyone can potentially get anything from any encounter (lol @ this logic), I like to deal in stats and probability, and it's extremely obvious to me that someone with an STD is much more likely to have a promiscuous past than someone without an STD. Do I know for certain either way? No, but if you can't understand this logic them I've lost all hope in humanity.

Look, regardless of what anyone's standards are in regards to promiscuity (and I really don't care about anyone else's standards, to each their own), I know what my standards are when looking to seriously date someone. As well, I would never seriously date someone if I didn't think they could be my future wife (would rather just have a casual relationship/no relationship if I didn't think the girl was wife material IMO), and I'm not particularly interested in a wife and mother with a reckless past. My situation is different from the OP, but he asked the question and I answered.

You're painting with a pretty broad brush, there.  A woman who has had only a few sexual partners may be infected, while a woman who has had 15+ may have avoided infection, through luck or partner selection.  If your goal is to find women with low promiscuity you may be better served by asking them how many partners they have had. 

I know if I wanted to avoid someone with a gambling problem, I wouldn't judge them based on whether they have had a winning lottery ticket, but I would want to know how many tickets they've purchased, or how often they play.

Another question for the group:

Would you ever date someone who had the virus and was upfront?

No way. Not necessarily because of the virus in particular, as it can be fairly hard to transmit and can be controlled, but rather because having the genital virus signals poor decision making and most likely reckless promiscuity, two things which are deal breakers when I'm looking for a woman.


......and the wheels of ignorance keep turning.  You're embarrassing yourself kiddo.   Also keep in mind that individuals in your social circle have had less sexual partners then someone who is 46 so education is far less a factor.    Btw.....this woman is a tax lawyer and was married most of her adult life.

Anyways.......interesting note:  roughly %55 of blacks have the virus....far higher then any other group

Annnddd stats and probability we're not understood on that fateful day. Both of these posts point to outliers (look up the definition of this word) and did nothing to disprove my point. It's ridiculous that some people on a money/finance forum haven't the slightest education in stats or in overlapping populations. Please stop.

Also, surfhb, if you have a goal to contract genital herpes then by all means go for it, but you asked for opinions and I gave mine respectfully. I would bet any amount of money that there is a link between STDs and promiscuity...

Also, you're probably 50something year old man who cried on the phone after having sex 3x with a woman, so please don't condescend to me. You might want to spend more time getting better with women rather than justifying to yourself why this was a good idea.


Mod Edit: No personal attacks.

Edit: Oh wait, my first hit on google https://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/3122899.html
I don't even need to hit on the next 5 links that basically say the same thing.
« Last Edit: October 06, 2014, 07:06:21 PM by bo_knows »

stlbrah

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Re: Dating Someone With Herpes
« Reply #42 on: October 06, 2014, 03:13:39 PM »
I would have kicked her to the curb and felt absolutely disgusted.

On top of that, I would have contacted an attorney if she didn't tell me before we did the deed.