Author Topic: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?  (Read 31851 times)

serpentstooth

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #100 on: February 18, 2016, 10:32:01 AM »
My mother was in the recovery room with me (and would have been there during the c-section but they only let you have one family member there and that was my husband) and then my parents were in and out of the hospital and our apartment constantly for the first couple weeks. No in-laws because they were in Asia. I found it super helpful. My parents drove us to the pediatrician (Babytooth was sick and we were there constantly), cooked, went to IKEA, bought furniture, assembled it, unpacked boxes from our recent move, and went emergency shopping for my preemie sized daughter who had no clothes that fit. It was wonderful. But if your parents are going to make you more stressed, don't have them around.

Gin1984

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #101 on: February 18, 2016, 01:38:54 PM »
I (the man) kicked my parents out of the hospital when our kid was born.

Exactly.  My husband was more than capable of this.   This is an extremely straightforward solution.  What is the issue?

You shouldn't HAVE to kick someone out.  If you don't want them there, they shouldn't be there in the first place.

There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries and asking people to follow them.  It's about good communication, actually. Even if it means saying, Wife and I are tired and are going to sleep now.  You are invited to return at X time/date. 

It's not rocket science.

ETA -  It's my opinion that banning people prior to setting explicit boundaries is throwing the baby out with the bath water.   If they are known to violate expressed requests and boundaries, then yes, ban them. If they are nice, but overbearing and stressful, setting firm boundaries seems like the more humane/reasonable way to go.
Even though stress to the mother can cause adverse medical outcomes?  Seriously?  The idea that during a medical event which comes with risks you should just suck it up makes absolutely no sense to me.

charis

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #102 on: February 18, 2016, 01:55:10 PM »
I (the man) kicked my parents out of the hospital when our kid was born.

Exactly.  My husband was more than capable of this.   This is an extremely straightforward solution.  What is the issue?

You shouldn't HAVE to kick someone out.  If you don't want them there, they shouldn't be there in the first place.

There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries and asking people to follow them.  It's about good communication, actually. Even if it means saying, Wife and I are tired and are going to sleep now.  You are invited to return at X time/date. 

It's not rocket science.

ETA -  It's my opinion that banning people prior to setting explicit boundaries is throwing the baby out with the bath water.   If they are known to violate expressed requests and boundaries, then yes, ban them. If they are nice, but overbearing and stressful, setting firm boundaries seems like the more humane/reasonable way to go.
Even though stress to the mother can cause adverse medical outcomes?  Seriously?  The idea that during a medical event which comes with risks you should just suck it up makes absolutely no sense to me.

I said nothing remotely equivalent to that.

If you equate communication with loved ones and firm boundaries as just sucking it up, there is no point in continuing the discussion.
« Last Edit: February 18, 2016, 01:58:59 PM by jezebel »

Gin1984

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #103 on: February 18, 2016, 02:01:03 PM »
I (the man) kicked my parents out of the hospital when our kid was born.

Exactly.  My husband was more than capable of this.   This is an extremely straightforward solution.  What is the issue?

You shouldn't HAVE to kick someone out.  If you don't want them there, they shouldn't be there in the first place.

There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries and asking people to follow them.  It's about good communication, actually. Even if it means saying, Wife and I are tired and are going to sleep now.  You are invited to return at X time/date. 

It's not rocket science.

ETA -  It's my opinion that banning people prior to setting explicit boundaries is throwing the baby out with the bath water.   If they are known to violate expressed requests and boundaries, then yes, ban them. If they are nice, but overbearing and stressful, setting firm boundaries seems like the more humane/reasonable way to go.
Even though stress to the mother can cause adverse medical outcomes?  Seriously?  The idea that during a medical event which comes with risks you should just suck it up makes absolutely no sense to me.

I said nothing remotely equivalent to that.
You said if they are nice but overbearing and stressful set boundaries but that implies let them be there.  So you are saying exactly what I said.  Explain to me how you did not.
« Last Edit: February 18, 2016, 02:04:04 PM by Gin1984 »

charis

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #104 on: February 18, 2016, 02:03:43 PM »
see above

JLR

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #105 on: February 18, 2016, 03:47:52 PM »
I feel some positivity, reading the quote from your original post. It sounds like they are trying. But I think it will be helpful to set some boundaries, keeping everyone's feelings in mind.

There was so much excitement when our first child was born. My mum came down about a week before she ended up being born (she was born 5 days after her due date), to keep me company, as I was unwell and going a bit stir crazy waiting! (PUPPPS was a nightmare!) But, she left two days after the birth. The excitement was over, she had met the first grandchild and was content to go home. My father visited a week later.

We were estranged from my in-laws. My husband sent them an SMS the day after she was born and to this day (13 years later) they still think her birthday is a day later than it actually is, even though we are back on speaking terms....I guess my point is that decisions made and actions at this point can last through the years. Go carefully.

Nurses are really good about removing visitors from your hospital room if you give them the heads up. They are like mama bears towards new mothers and babies. :) Much easier than trying to ask your in-laws to leave from your house a few weeks after the birth.

And needing to breastfeed is a good excuse to get people to leave the room and leave you alone. Though I live in Australia and became a very confident breastfeeder, in those early days I found I needed to completely remove one arm from my t-shirt to be able to get it right. This got better after a week or two, but it meant I had a room to myself when when had visitors and I needed to breastfeed in the early weeks. :)

When our second while was born there was still some jostling from my (divorced) parents to be there for the birth. It ended up happening around Christmas time, so they all came to visit for Christmas, but all left two days after he was born. The excitement was over. ;)

My biggest regret for the birth of our second was that the midwife sent me for a shower after the birth, then proceeded to take our son to the nursery and give him his first bath with all the family there, minus me....This still breaks my heart.

By the time our third child was born no one was interested in being there. Been there, done that, or something. :) It was all very relaxed. :)

Tread carefully. Set boundaries that you are happy with, while respecting everyone's feelings. These people are going to be in your life for a long time.

coolistdude

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #106 on: February 18, 2016, 08:15:40 PM »
I (the man) kicked my parents out of the hospital when our kid was born.

Exactly.  My husband was more than capable of this.   This is an extremely straightforward solution.  What is the issue?

You shouldn't HAVE to kick someone out.  If you don't want them there, they shouldn't be there in the first place.

There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries and asking people to follow them.  It's about good communication, actually. Even if it means saying, Wife and I are tired and are going to sleep now.  You are invited to return at X time/date. 

It's not rocket science.

ETA -  It's my opinion that banning people prior to setting explicit boundaries is throwing the baby out with the bath water.   If they are known to violate expressed requests and boundaries, then yes, ban them.  If they are nice, but overbearing and stressful, setting firm boundaries seems like the more humane/reasonable way to go.

I didn't realize my comment would spark a discussion. In my case, there was a pre-existing expectation that was violated. There's a family member who has had an infection for years that DW and I view as contagious, whereas my folks didn't. They decided to meet up with the family member over lunch during the delivery which I wasn't okay with. What set me off though was when they hugged the family member and then expected to go back into the delivery room. I didn't tell DW since the delivery was already hard enough, I just kicked them out and explained to her that they went home. Our relationship has been much better, it has just been a sore spot. They didn't get to see much of our kiddo for the first 6-12 months because of this...they chose the family member over seeing my kid. It isn't like we expected my parents never to see this person, we just expected showers and clean clothes afterwards.

Having a kid is a little like a birthday party. If there's any question of whether you want someone there or not, you probably shouldn't have them there. I may be cynical though...take advice from someone who had a better experience.

merula

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #107 on: February 19, 2016, 07:57:55 AM »
I didn't realize my comment would spark a discussion. In my case, there was a pre-existing expectation that was violated. There's a family member who has had an infection for years that DW and I view as contagious, whereas my folks didn't. They decided to meet up with the family member over lunch during the delivery which I wasn't okay with. What set me off though was when they hugged the family member and then expected to go back into the delivery room. I didn't tell DW since the delivery was already hard enough, I just kicked them out and explained to her that they went home. Our relationship has been much better, it has just been a sore spot. They didn't get to see much of our kiddo for the first 6-12 months because of this...they chose the family member over seeing my kid. It isn't like we expected my parents never to see this person, we just expected showers and clean clothes afterwards.

Having a kid is a little like a birthday party. If there's any question of whether you want someone there or not, you probably shouldn't have them there. I may be cynical though...take advice from someone who had a better experience.

I really hope this infection is not HIV/AIDS, because that's the only "years"-long infection that's coming to mind, and I think I'd have to side with your parents.

KCM5

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #108 on: February 19, 2016, 08:21:11 AM »
I didn't realize my comment would spark a discussion. In my case, there was a pre-existing expectation that was violated. There's a family member who has had an infection for years that DW and I view as contagious, whereas my folks didn't. They decided to meet up with the family member over lunch during the delivery which I wasn't okay with. What set me off though was when they hugged the family member and then expected to go back into the delivery room. I didn't tell DW since the delivery was already hard enough, I just kicked them out and explained to her that they went home. Our relationship has been much better, it has just been a sore spot. They didn't get to see much of our kiddo for the first 6-12 months because of this...they chose the family member over seeing my kid. It isn't like we expected my parents never to see this person, we just expected showers and clean clothes afterwards.

Having a kid is a little like a birthday party. If there's any question of whether you want someone there or not, you probably shouldn't have them there. I may be cynical though...take advice from someone who had a better experience.

I really hope this infection is not HIV/AIDS, because that's the only "years"-long infection that's coming to mind, and I think I'd have to side with your parents.

Hep B? TB?

There are other options. I could see the above being legit issues.

RosieTR

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #109 on: February 19, 2016, 12:39:51 PM »
I was really surprised by some of the responses. First of all, the OP sounds like a super-nice person who generally considers others' viewpoints and would like to do what's good for her family, but also knows what really stresses her out. The ILs seem like people who think "my way is the right way" and are unwilling to consider any other viewpoint as valid*. They also have already shown disregard for the couple's boundaries, putting their own selfish desires to see the baby as soon as possible above what may be best for the baby, the mother, or their own son.

Here's the thing. The whole deal about becoming a parent is that it's a huge responsibility but then you also get the commensurate privileges to make these decisions. The only time this is questionable is when there is clear harm to the child, which is not the case here. Therefore, the new *parents* get to decide when and even if, any visitors see the baby. The desires of the grandparents are far below the needs and desires of the parents and the baby. Doesn't matter if it's a question of immunization, potentially contagious disease, or just inconvenience or stress. And THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS. It's not immoral, it's certainly not illegal, and it should not be guilt-inducing.

To the OP I would say, start practicing keeping your boundaries in place now, and saying no to violations of them politely, firmly, and repeatedly. This will come in handy not only with the ILs but also once your baby turns into a toddler!


* to the folks who say "well they're old-fashioned". OK, that's fine. But there's a way to be old-fashioned and still allow that other people might do things differently:
"Huh. So, you'll be changing some diapers, son? I never did, because men just didn't do that when you were a baby, and your mom and I were fine with that."

Or, there's a way to be an asshole:
"You're going to be changing diapers, son? Why, that's a job for your little lady! There's no way I would ever change a diaper in back MY day, when MEN were MEN!"

merula

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #110 on: February 19, 2016, 12:45:06 PM »
I didn't realize my comment would spark a discussion. In my case, there was a pre-existing expectation that was violated. There's a family member who has had an infection for years that DW and I view as contagious, whereas my folks didn't. They decided to meet up with the family member over lunch during the delivery which I wasn't okay with. What set me off though was when they hugged the family member and then expected to go back into the delivery room. I didn't tell DW since the delivery was already hard enough, I just kicked them out and explained to her that they went home. Our relationship has been much better, it has just been a sore spot. They didn't get to see much of our kiddo for the first 6-12 months because of this...they chose the family member over seeing my kid. It isn't like we expected my parents never to see this person, we just expected showers and clean clothes afterwards.

Having a kid is a little like a birthday party. If there's any question of whether you want someone there or not, you probably shouldn't have them there. I may be cynical though...take advice from someone who had a better experience.

I really hope this infection is not HIV/AIDS, because that's the only "years"-long infection that's coming to mind, and I think I'd have to side with your parents.

Hep B? TB?

There are other options. I could see the above being legit issues.

You're right about TB, that would definitely be something I would not allow around my children. But Hep B (and C, D and E, for that matter) are only transmitted via bodily fluids like HIV/AIDS. Hugging a person with HIV or Hep B should not be the reason a grandparent isn't allowed to see their grandchild.

Unless maybe you meant Hep A, which can sometimes be spread by superficial contact.

KCM5

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #111 on: February 19, 2016, 01:09:15 PM »
I didn't realize my comment would spark a discussion. In my case, there was a pre-existing expectation that was violated. There's a family member who has had an infection for years that DW and I view as contagious, whereas my folks didn't. They decided to meet up with the family member over lunch during the delivery which I wasn't okay with. What set me off though was when they hugged the family member and then expected to go back into the delivery room. I didn't tell DW since the delivery was already hard enough, I just kicked them out and explained to her that they went home. Our relationship has been much better, it has just been a sore spot. They didn't get to see much of our kiddo for the first 6-12 months because of this...they chose the family member over seeing my kid. It isn't like we expected my parents never to see this person, we just expected showers and clean clothes afterwards.

Having a kid is a little like a birthday party. If there's any question of whether you want someone there or not, you probably shouldn't have them there. I may be cynical though...take advice from someone who had a better experience.

I really hope this infection is not HIV/AIDS, because that's the only "years"-long infection that's coming to mind, and I think I'd have to side with your parents.

Hep B? TB?

There are other options. I could see the above being legit issues.

You're right about TB, that would definitely be something I would not allow around my children. But Hep B (and C, D and E, for that matter) are only transmitted via bodily fluids like HIV/AIDS. Hugging a person with HIV or Hep B should not be the reason a grandparent isn't allowed to see their grandchild.

Unless maybe you meant Hep A, which can sometimes be spread by superficial contact.

No, I meant Hep B. Hep A is definitely spread by superficial contact but with Hep B leading to chronic infection in the majority of babies that contact it, I can see someone wanting to limit contact with a known infected individual. Children contract it from other children through horizontal means of transmission - my sister in law did when she was a child. It's not like HIV in that manner. Maybe I'm wrong, but I wouldn't worry about HIV but would worry about Hep B. 

coolistdude

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #112 on: February 19, 2016, 01:25:48 PM »
I didn't realize my comment would spark a discussion. In my case, there was a pre-existing expectation that was violated. There's a family member who has had an infection for years that DW and I view as contagious, whereas my folks didn't. They decided to meet up with the family member over lunch during the delivery which I wasn't okay with. What set me off though was when they hugged the family member and then expected to go back into the delivery room. I didn't tell DW since the delivery was already hard enough, I just kicked them out and explained to her that they went home. Our relationship has been much better, it has just been a sore spot. They didn't get to see much of our kiddo for the first 6-12 months because of this...they chose the family member over seeing my kid. It isn't like we expected my parents never to see this person, we just expected showers and clean clothes afterwards.

Having a kid is a little like a birthday party. If there's any question of whether you want someone there or not, you probably shouldn't have them there. I may be cynical though...take advice from someone who had a better experience.

I really hope this infection is not HIV/AIDS, because that's the only "years"-long infection that's coming to mind, and I think I'd have to side with your parents.

Hep B? TB?

There are other options. I could see the above being legit issues.

You're right about TB, that would definitely be something I would not allow around my children. But Hep B (and C, D and E, for that matter) are only transmitted via bodily fluids like HIV/AIDS. Hugging a person with HIV or Hep B should not be the reason a grandparent isn't allowed to see their grandchild.

Unless maybe you meant Hep A, which can sometimes be spread by superficial contact.

No, I meant Hep B. Hep A is definitely spread by superficial contact but with Hep B leading to chronic infection in the majority of babies that contact it, I can see someone wanting to limit contact with a known infected individual. Children contract it from other children through horizontal means of transmission - my sister in law did when she was a child. It's not like HIV in that manner. Maybe I'm wrong, but I wouldn't worry about HIV but would worry about Hep B.

If I'm any more specific it'll be identifiable. It's an infection that effects this person's skin given by someone/someplace in the member's early twenties through non sexual means. Regardless of if DW and I are right and wrong, attending the birth requires following our rules. Not HIV/AIDS or life threatening, but it is life shortening especially if untreated, or uncared for.

FrugalHawk

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #113 on: February 20, 2016, 01:20:01 PM »
I wish you a happy, healthy, safe delivery of your baby. You do what is best for you and the baby. I empathize with you, I am a true introvert and being around people exhausts me. And my parents sound like the have the same personality types as your in-laws, so I know what a challenge it can be.

I know that if I ever had a child both my parents and my in-law would expect to be in the waiting room and be invited into the room as soon as the baby was declared healthy. That is the expectation and precedent of both sides of the family going back at least 2 generations. If I didn't allow it, it would cause a permanent rift. And that rift would just be something I would have to accept. Just as if you do not allow your in-laws to come visit A.S.A.P. it may do the same, and you just have to accept it. It is reasonable to you? No, of course not. But your in-laws also see it as unreasonable to not invite them.

NoMoreTwist

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #114 on: February 21, 2016, 04:42:05 PM »
OP - is there a way you can spin this in a honest, positive manner to your in-laws? Maybe contact them and say something along the lines of "We are all so excited to meet the baby, and I know you're going to be the best grandparents you can be, but as one mother to another, I'm terrified of something going wrong in delivery and having you be there to see it. I know you want to meet the baby and see your son be the fantastic dad he will be, and I want you to have that moment when things are safe and I'm not so bloody and grouchy". It's a honest response from what I can tell - you're very nervous about things going wrong, and telling your in-laws that may help them not feel as if you just don't want them there because you're a meanie-weanie who won't let them see the wittle baby. Heck, expressing your worry (maybe tolerating some unsolicited advice while you're at it) could even help nudge your relationship with them in the right direction.

For the record, my grandparents lived 1000 miles away from me and my siblings when I was born, and I don't think either set visited until my parents went to visit them, which was up to six months later. I wouldn't say I'm super close to either side, but I get along fine with them. The first 24 hours are not the most important in a life-long relationship.

coolistdude

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #115 on: February 22, 2016, 09:07:21 PM »
OP - is there a way you can spin this in a honest, positive manner to your in-laws? Maybe contact them and say something along the lines of "We are all so excited to meet the baby, and I know you're going to be the best grandparents you can be, but as one mother to another, I'm terrified of something going wrong in delivery and having you be there to see it. I know you want to meet the baby and see your son be the fantastic dad he will be, and I want you to have that moment when things are safe and I'm not so bloody and grouchy". It's a honest response from what I can tell - you're very nervous about things going wrong, and telling your in-laws that may help them not feel as if you just don't want them there because you're a meanie-weanie who won't let them see the wittle baby. Heck, expressing your worry (maybe tolerating some unsolicited advice while you're at it) could even help nudge your relationship with them in the right direction.

For the record, my grandparents lived 1000 miles away from me and my siblings when I was born, and I don't think either set visited until my parents went to visit them, which was up to six months later. I wouldn't say I'm super close to either side, but I get along fine with them. The first 24 hours are not the most important in a life-long relationship.

Good advice here. I'd say though the 24 hours are most important for the parents to bond with the child...not so much the grandparents. My wife and I didn't get a full immediate bonding period with our child and our relationship took awhile to become very close. The skin on skin, mother and child staring at each other and the world, is a blessing. Use it if possible :)

goatmom

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #116 on: February 24, 2016, 05:57:28 AM »
I agree that you are the mother and you get to set the rules.  But, unless they are really bad people, remember your MIL is the one who gave birth to your dh.  Hopefully, they will have close and loving relationships with your child(ren).  And these can be some of the most beautiful relationships. You will one day be wanting to meet your grandchildren.  You might be happy when they are there in the future when you need a hand or a vacation or even a night out. 

Yes, set limits, but also look at the big picture. 

I wish my in-laws had cared enough to come visit my babies. 

Congratulations!

cats

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #117 on: March 04, 2016, 12:02:56 PM »
So, having just given birth this past week, my main additional advice/thought would be that the hospital is not going to be private at ALL.  I knew this in theory, but the actuality was way more extreme than anticipated. In 48 hours, I lost count of the number of people who had seen me in various states of undress, trying to feed the baby, hunched over the toilet trying to pee, lying in bed with a nice bloody pad under me, etc etc.  And they weren't all medical staff--at least one of the janitors has seen my boobs, and probably the room service guys too.  Oh well.  We had a really awesome nurse who hung out the do not disturb sign a few times, and people were good about coming back later, but still.  NO privacy. Had I had relatives nearby, their presence at the hospital would have been far less invasive than them showing up at our home later.  Just some food for thought if you are having to pick your battles.

I AM still very glad my mom was not present for the labor/delivery part of things though! 

Cassie

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #118 on: March 04, 2016, 02:23:30 PM »
I find it very strange that so many people are letting their parents into the delivery room.  Birth is not a spectator sport but a bonding time for mom, dad and baby. I would never want to be present for my grandchild's birth.

goatmom

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #119 on: March 04, 2016, 04:36:35 PM »
I would not have wanted my MIL in the room when I gave birth.  To tell the truth, the only reason I cared that my husband was there was to have someone to process it with afterwards.  I did not feel that was childbirth was a team sport.  I was there for my grandson's birth - wasn't planning on it but my SIL came out to the waiting room and told me that my daughter wanted me to be with her.  She was scared and in pain and wanted Mom.  I guess it depends on the relationship.

justajane

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #120 on: March 04, 2016, 05:42:52 PM »
I find it very strange that so many people are letting their parents into the delivery room.  Birth is not a spectator sport but a bonding time for mom, dad and baby. I would never want to be present for my grandchild's birth.

I don't think many, if any, women on here have allowed family to be present for the actual pushing and birth. I let them come see me when I was in labor and pain free with an epidural, but that was it.

La Bibliotecaria Feroz

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #121 on: March 05, 2016, 09:40:03 AM »
I find it very strange that so many people are letting their parents into the delivery room.  Birth is not a spectator sport but a bonding time for mom, dad and baby. I would never want to be present for my grandchild's birth.

First of all, where were your babies born? My birth were ABSOLUTELY spectator sports. Night nurse. Day nurse. Weekday doctor. Weekend doctor who came in later. People who happened to be in the hallways when I was trying to walk around and ralphed in a trash can. Nurse anesthetist. Anesthesiologist. Another nurse anesthetist. Operating room crew.

And then, this is a pretty recent expectation. Used to be dad was waiting outside and birth was a job for a group of women. Society has changed, birth has changed, too, but there are a lot of ways to do it and no right way. "Very strange" to you, maybe. Other people feel differently.

I was present at my nephew's birth, which was a home birth (attended by professional midwives, and my sister is a nurse). Her 11-year-old daughter "caught" the baby, I was the photographer, my mom was the doula, dad was the one on the bed making soothing noises.

I, in contrast, spent the whole night I was in labor asking my mom* if we could go to the hospital yet. No, really, PLEASE can we go to the hospital? I wanna go to the hospital. It hurts. Home birth was right for sister. Hospital birth was right for me.  It's good to have options.

*Everyone is different, but I REALLY needed my mom and I don't think I would have such positive feelings about my births, which ended in c-section, had she not been there. I love my husband and he was wonderful and supportive, but it was his first baby, too. My mom had been there, done that. And I would have been really mad at my husband for not taking me to the hospital the first five times I asked, but I put up with it from my mom. Gotta know yourself.

My opinion is that willfully doing things that are dangerous and not medically supported (lotus birth, for instance) are "very strange." Everything else is personal preference.

Mongoose

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #122 on: March 06, 2016, 09:36:26 AM »
Your ILs sound exhausting. In your shoes, I'd be considering relocating back to Australia ;-)

In addition to getting comfortable with the idea of being the odd ones in the family, you may also consider getting comfortable with the idea that not everything needs to be exactly fair between your parents and your ILs.

+1 As long as you and your husband are in agreement, they can deal with the "unfairness". My ILs are difficult, unhelpful and want to be entertained. They also tend to be pushy, not respectful of boundaries and manipulative. Neither side got to meet our eldest child for awhile since we didn't live close. With our youngest, my parents came to help for a week. MIL, no way.

We tried to be "fair" and have ILs over to stay with us for a week (they live on the other side of the country). It has never worked and so they are limited to 3-4 days and only when DH can take off work. Sorry, but neither of us can take any more.

We also allow my parents to watch the kids when they offer but not the ILs. MIL has watched them twice (only for ~15 minutes at a time). The first time she helped them move the coffee table to the middle of the living room so they could slide across it/jump on it. The second time she told them it was ok to dig up all my tomato plants in the garden because "kids need to dig and you haven't given them a place to do so". She was standing four feet from the sandbox at the time. Now she wants us to send them several states over to stay with her without us. No way is that happening.

Anyway, you are going to be tired and want some peace with your new family. Congratulations too. Kids are awesome. :-)

Cassie

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #123 on: March 06, 2016, 12:00:34 PM »
MG: your MIL sounds terrible. No wonder you don't let her watch your kids-ugh!  My first birth was a spectator sport since it was in a big military hospital and a young man stood in the corner watching the whole time which was really uncomfortable especially since I was only 19. He was in training for something.  I just think that if you are old enough to have a baby you are old enough to do it without your Mom. But I don't care what other people do.  For the first birth Dad's were not allowed in the delivery room but by the 2nd they were which was great.

I'm a red panda

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #124 on: March 06, 2016, 03:06:02 PM »
I just think that if you are old enough to have a baby you are old enough to do it without your Mom.

The youngest document birth mother is 5 years old. It is not uncommon to be in schools with pregnant 12 year olds.
Ability to give birth isn't necessarily tied to emotional maturity.

I can understand why some women would want their mothers to be there, and others not.  There is no problem with either of those things, in my ability.

charis

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #125 on: March 07, 2016, 05:04:36 AM »
MG: your MIL sounds terrible. No wonder you don't let her watch your kids-ugh!  My first birth was a spectator sport since it was in a big military hospital and a young man stood in the corner watching the whole time which was really uncomfortable especially since I was only 19. He was in training for something.  I just think that if you are old enough to have a baby you are old enough to do it without your Mom. But I don't care what other people do.  For the first birth Dad's were not allowed in the delivery room but by the 2nd they were which was great.

Women can have babies alone in a cave if necessary, it doesn't mean it should be like that.  Also, people hire doulas or birth support people to assist in a delivery, how is one's mother any different?

Anatidae V

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #126 on: March 07, 2016, 05:11:17 AM »
MG: your MIL sounds terrible. No wonder you don't let her watch your kids-ugh!  My first birth was a spectator sport since it was in a big military hospital and a young man stood in the corner watching the whole time which was really uncomfortable especially since I was only 19. He was in training for something.  I just think that if you are old enough to have a baby you are old enough to do it without your Mom. But I don't care what other people do.  For the first birth Dad's were not allowed in the delivery room but by the 2nd they were which was great.

Women can have babies alone in a cave if necessary, it doesn't mean it should be like that.  Also, people hire doulas or birth support people to assist in a delivery, how is one's mother any different?
Going out on a limb, I think Cassie meant that the MIL/Mum who is not wanted at the birth can be told "no, please don't attend" rather than meaning that people who want others there shouldn't have them!

sheepstache

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #127 on: March 07, 2016, 12:48:51 PM »
OP, this might be a crazy idea, but what if...you made your parents' visit and your in-laws' visit overlap? That way your parents could run interference for you, take the in-laws out of the house to trips downtown, etc.

As a bonus, your in-laws would see how your family gets along and, hopefully, get the insight that y'all have a loving relationship despite having boundaries and personal space.

brycedoula

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #128 on: March 07, 2016, 12:56:28 PM »
Late to the party - but no, we didn't. Our daughter was born @ our local birth centre 5 weeks ago -  protocol there is if mum & baby are stable & doing well then ~4 hours after birth you're on your way home. She was born just before 11pm, so not exactly prime visiting hours.

My situation was not your situation obviously. However, after your birth is a really important time for you & your baby to bond. Ideally you'll spend at least a few hours cuddling skin-to-skin; if you're breastfeeding this time is extra important. Your body also just did a BUNCH of work - you need time to rest, eat, shower, etc. It's really not the best time for in-laws to barge in & stress you out.

By all means have them visit when YOU'RE ready - at the hospital, or when you're back home. And YOU are the boss - you just had the baby therefore YOU get to decide how long the visits are.
« Last Edit: March 07, 2016, 01:20:21 PM by brycedoula »

G-dog

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #129 on: March 07, 2016, 05:16:16 PM »
Yay! It's a plan. The best thing is that you and DH are a team and aligned in this decision. Get some photos of them with their new grandchild, print and frame and send to them quickly may help. Lots of photos, as well as Skype or FaceTime may help. Although, it may also drive their fervor to come more often - who knows. You are in uncharted territory here.
Congratulations on the little one, wishing you an easy delivery!

LeRainDrop

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #130 on: March 07, 2016, 06:33:26 PM »
Yay! It's a plan. The best thing is that you and DH are a team and aligned in this decision. Get some photos of them with their new grandchild, print and frame and send to them quickly may help. Lots of photos, as well as Skype or FaceTime may help. Although, it may also drive their fervor to come more often - who knows. You are in uncharted territory here.  Congratulations on the little one, wishing you an easy delivery!

Ditto, and I love these ideas, too!

G-dog

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #131 on: March 07, 2016, 08:11:49 PM »
If you do decide to let people know when you go into labor, you may also say (from DH's email / phone, text) -
we are turning off our phones and won't be checking messages or emails because we are a bit busy having a baby. We will update you as soon as we reasonably can after delivery.

Cassie

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #132 on: March 08, 2016, 12:52:37 PM »
Iowa: I was assuming we were talking about adults having babies and not children. Of course a kid would want it's Mom. That is just common sense.

gaja

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #133 on: March 10, 2016, 09:36:39 AM »
If you don't use social media: will you be ok with them sharing your baby photos on Facebook etc? That will probably happen if you send them photos.

charis

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #134 on: March 10, 2016, 01:12:08 PM »
My husband was very against social media pictures when our first was born, to the point that he asked me to have some friends take pictures down.   I really don't think that was necessary, but you have to do what you are comfortable with. 

merula

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #135 on: March 11, 2016, 07:25:36 AM »
If you don't use social media: will you be ok with them sharing your baby photos on Facebook etc? That will probably happen if you send them photos.

That's a good point. I'm curious what others do. I don't want to be a "momzilla" (is that a thing?) and I don't want to deny grandparents their bragging rights! I also don't love the idea of posting any photos of my kids on social media. I know that's a bit counter-cultural, and I can't say I have a well articulated reason for it...

My in-laws, who are the ones we're having difficulties with, don't use social media, other than FIL is on Instagram and literally has four followers: me, DH, a cousin and my dad. So meh, whatever...

My mum is pretty prolific on Facebook and Instagram, as are siblings. I guess there's no major harm if people want to post a newborn pic or two...newborns all look the same to me. I might just ask them to hold off making an announcement on FB until I've emailed all my friends first (they go to the same church so most are FB friends with my mum).

I have photos of my kids on social media, but not nearly as many as other people I know, and none that are publicly searchable.

The reason you might be looking for is that the internet, as far as we know, is forever. If you post a picture of your kid potty training and tag it with #firstmiddlelast on Instagram, (or even #firstmiddle if that's unique enough) in all likelihood that will be searchable by his or her employers. I got to choose how I wanted to portray myself on the internet, and I want to give my children that same option.

I do crack down on other people posting public images of my kids, but typically just ask that they remove their names. That way, whoever it is gets to have the photo they want, but it's not connected back to my kids.

Guses

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #136 on: March 11, 2016, 12:51:02 PM »
The reason you might be looking for is that the internet, as far as we know, is forever. If you post a picture of your kid potty training and tag it with #firstmiddlelast on Instagram, (or even #firstmiddle if that's unique enough) in all likelihood that will be searchable by his or her employers. I got to choose how I wanted to portray myself on the internet, and I want to give my children that same option.

I don't know about you, but I don't go looking for baby pictures on Instagram when I am about to hire someone. I would be more concerned about potential bullying in school.

I say keep the pictures in good taste and not too many of them.


Kitsune

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #137 on: March 11, 2016, 07:00:33 PM »
The reason you might be looking for is that the internet, as far as we know, is forever. If you post a picture of your kid potty training and tag it with #firstmiddlelast on Instagram, (or even #firstmiddle if that's unique enough) in all likelihood that will be searchable by his or her employers. I got to choose how I wanted to portray myself on the internet, and I want to give my children that same option.

I don't know about you, but I don't go looking for baby pictures on Instagram when I am about to hire someone. I would be more concerned about potential bullying in school.

I say keep the pictures in good taste and not too many of them.

And things that, were I 15, I wouldn't mind my friends seeing.

My kid sitting on the stairs reading a book and being cute? Sure.
My kid in the bath, on the potty, etc? Nope.

cats

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #138 on: March 11, 2016, 08:21:37 PM »
We decided to create a private Google photo album and shared the link with family.  We asked grandparents to treat it like a set of printed photos--if you would send a person actual photos, send them the link, otherwise please just show off when you see them in person. We figure if they over share in a way that we aren't comfortable, we kill the links to the albums and that's the end of that. They were all willing to do that, but the only grandparent on social media much is my dad, who very much gets the idea of Internet privacy and things you post being forever. I suspect they also know that my husband really would refuse to share photos if it came down to it :) I have put some photos on Facebook but I'm definitely trying not to post loads, and to be mindful of what he might think about them in 10-20 years.

La Bibliotecaria Feroz

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #139 on: March 12, 2016, 07:44:03 AM »
Carolyn Hax, the advice columnist, used to publicly share innocuous photos of her three boys when they were all babies--as in, not that recognizable. When they grew into more recognizable kids, she stopped, although occasionally she'll post a pic of them from behind (walking away from the camera) or swaddled in hockey gear.

Daleth

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #140 on: March 13, 2016, 11:28:07 AM »
Eh...they're 7 hours away and overbearing. What are the chances that, after driving 7 hours, they'll be "too tired" or "have come all that way" and turn what was supposed to be a couple hour visit in the hospital to an overnight (or several night) stay?

You and your husband have told them that you want the first week to yourselves. They're already trying to ignore your boundary by trying to get a commitment of a call when your in the hospital so they can come visit. Sounds like an awesome chance for your husband (since they're his parents) to lovingly and firmly assert your family's boundaries and repeat the one week requirement.

TL;DR: No, I wouldn't acquiesce. It sets a bad precedent.

Yep yep yep.

And have you had the "update your vaccinations" conversation yet? As in, "update your pertussis shot at least two weeks before you meet the baby"? That'll be an interesting one. Some particularly egregious in-laws (not mine) refuse to do so, creating an excellent opportunity for clear boundary setting. And if they haven't done it AT LEAST two weeks before the baby's birth--it takes two weeks for the shot to be fully effective--that right there is a medical reason they can't meet the baby right away. On the other hand, if they do trot out and get it done in time, it's a good sign that they're starting to listen to you and that they're respecting your rules as a parent.

Daleth

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #141 on: March 13, 2016, 11:29:16 AM »
If you don't use social media: will you be ok with them sharing your baby photos on Facebook etc? That will probably happen if you send them photos.

That's a good point. I'm curious what others do. I don't want to be a "momzilla" (is that a thing?) and I don't want to deny grandparents their bragging rights! I also don't love the idea of posting any photos of my kids on social media. I know that's a bit counter-cultural, and I can't say I have a well articulated reason for it...

Here's your reason: kids typically wish that their parents hadn't done it.

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/03/08/dont-post-about-me-on-social-media-children-say/?_r=0

Gin1984

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Re: Did you invite your parents/in-laws to the hospital when baby was born?
« Reply #142 on: March 13, 2016, 02:14:39 PM »
Eh...they're 7 hours away and overbearing. What are the chances that, after driving 7 hours, they'll be "too tired" or "have come all that way" and turn what was supposed to be a couple hour visit in the hospital to an overnight (or several night) stay?

You and your husband have told them that you want the first week to yourselves. They're already trying to ignore your boundary by trying to get a commitment of a call when your in the hospital so they can come visit. Sounds like an awesome chance for your husband (since they're his parents) to lovingly and firmly assert your family's boundaries and repeat the one week requirement.

TL;DR: No, I wouldn't acquiesce. It sets a bad precedent.

Yep yep yep.

And have you had the "update your vaccinations" conversation yet? As in, "update your pertussis shot at least two weeks before you meet the baby"? That'll be an interesting one. Some particularly egregious in-laws (not mine) refuse to do so, creating an excellent opportunity for clear boundary setting. And if they haven't done it AT LEAST two weeks before the baby's birth--it takes two weeks for the shot to be fully effective--that right there is a medical reason they can't meet the baby right away. On the other hand, if they do trot out and get it done in time, it's a good sign that they're starting to listen to you and that they're respecting your rules as a parent.
AH, that was my MIL.  My husband (and my MIL's siblings) had some interesting conversations with my MIL.

 

Wow, a phone plan for fifteen bucks!