Author Topic: Facebook and friendship  (Read 1681 times)

Melisande

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Facebook and friendship
« on: December 13, 2018, 08:16:14 AM »
Yesterday, as I was writing my Christmas cards, I went online to double check the address of an old friend from college. We had been close friends for only about 1 1/2 years, but what years they were! She and I sang together in the choir where I met my husband ... and she met hers too -- my husband's best friend. Both she and her future husband were in our wedding party. We had such great times together until my husband finished his doctorate and we moved from the Northeast to the Midwest about 30 years ago. We still kept in touch, though, of course, not as much as before. But every time we met, it was as if there was instant intimacy. Just like family. The last time I saw her in person was 9 years ago.

However, since that time something in our relationship seemed to have changed. I would write her cards as usual and she never wrote back. I think I even called her a few times, but when she didn't return my calls, I stopped trying. Then, out of the blue, in May this year my husband and I got an invitation to her husband's 60th birthday party. I actually considered going although it would have meant a trip half way across the country for a few hours of party. Actually, I would have gone in a heartbeat if I had know that it would have been just us four. I didn't want the heartbreak of investing that much only to realize we were one of 50 guests with little chance to actually catch up. So, we didn't.

I regret that now because what I found when I looked her up was that she had died (at age 55) just four days before. How could this have happened? How could I not even have know she was sick? Was that unusual invitation really an invitation to an informal farewell party for her? But how could I have known that? I had all kind of questions.

My husband and I called her husband and left a condolence voice mail. My husband has also reached out on LinkedIn. I did not go on Facebook because I do not have a Facebook account. (I have chosen not to do Facebook for about 4 different reasons, one of which was that I had a horrible high school experience -- bad enough to make the news -- and I absolutely do not want certain people to be able to get in touch with me, even if it is only to have me not friend them.)  But I have always wondered if she was posting on there and I was missing most of her life.

I have been doing a little online sleuthing because I can't really focus on anything else today and I found a quote from her in her Alma Mater's newsletter. She says that, aside from work colleagues and a few very rare exceptions all of her friendships were circumscribed by Facebook and what her Facebook friends chose to post ... and that she found that troubling.

So, it looks like it wasn't something I said at our last meeting after all. It looks like Facebook ate our friendship and there was nothing left. I mean -- I didn't even know she was terminally ill and I wouldn't even have known she had died if I hadn't happened to look her up on line.

There's no question here. I'm just feeling extremely sad and wanted to let it out. But if anyone has had a similar experience, please feel free to share.

TL;DNR   I had a great friend. We moved away, yet kept in touch. Until Facebook came along. And I didn't even know it was Facebook, it thought it was me -- something I had said -- until I did a little sleuthing and saw that it probably was just Facebook. But it's too late. She's dead now.

« Last Edit: December 13, 2018, 08:18:06 AM by Melisande »

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Re: Facebook and friendship
« Reply #1 on: December 13, 2018, 08:54:18 AM »
Sorry you lost a close friend BUT i wouldn't put much weight into anything people put on Facebook. Its usually how there life is so miserable and there seeking attention or how they live the life of the rich and famous and its all a charade. I have a FB account that I post some things of our kids for the Grandmas and Grandpas and long distant family but I barely scroll down or read all the bs. To me Facebook imo doesnt have a bright future either because kids dont use it. But to your question I doubt anything on FB has anything to do with it and she was probably going through alot and didnt want to be a burden. IF your religious say your prayers for them, remember the memories and allow yourself to feel the loss but leave it at that.

Zikoris

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Re: Facebook and friendship
« Reply #2 on: December 13, 2018, 10:11:59 AM »
It sounds like a shitty situation for sure. But I will say, deciding not to use Facebook is a choice you make that involves cutting yourself off from one of the major ways people organize things and maintain friendships. I think in this day and age, not having Facebook and then being upset about being left out of things or out of the loop in general is kind of like not having a telephone or email and being upset people don't come knock on your door to invite you to things. Not saying you need to use FB, by any means, but you should definitely at least be aware of the consequences of the choice not to.

Melisande

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Re: Facebook and friendship
« Reply #3 on: December 14, 2018, 05:04:02 AM »
It sounds like a shitty situation for sure. But I will say, deciding not to use Facebook is a choice you make that involves cutting yourself off from one of the major ways people organize things and maintain friendships. I think in this day and age, not having Facebook and then being upset about being left out of things or out of the loop in general is kind of like not having a telephone or email and being upset people don't come knock on your door to invite you to things. Not saying you need to use FB, by any means, but you should definitely at least be aware of the consequences of the choice not to.

I absolutely disagree with you. Facebook is not the same as the telephone or email. These latter two are rather simple forms of direct communication whereas Facebook is a complex means of generating wealth for Mr. Zuckerberg and other investors with “connection” used as the hook to lure people into to giving up their persoanl date for free.

I used Facebook for one year in a professional capacity back in 2007 (when it was still cool). That was enough for me to realize I wanted to have nothing to do with the platform in my personal life. Actually, my primary objection to Facebook is one that I rarely hear other people complain about. There has been so much in the news about Facebook and privacy issues, Facebook and fake news, etc., etc.

But my primary concern is that Facebook warps, cheapens and commoditizes identity and personal relationships.

I think Facebook is objectively speaking a “bad thing” that some people are able to use with no problem whatsoever, but most can’t. For me it’s a social pathogen, maybe the social equivalent of a disease like, Typhoid fever, say, where people react differently to the same microbe. Some people get deathly ill (get depressed, highly addicted to Facebook) whereas other are perfectly fine (infected carriers who happen to have some kind of natural immunity to the pathogen).

My friend (who did express regret about having inadvertently let Facebook decide who her friends were going to be), was, in her defense, extremely busy. She worked full time and had two autistic children. I can see exactly why she could have let herself slide into Facebook convenience “friendship” to the exclusion of almost any other social life. 

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Re: Facebook and friendship
« Reply #4 on: December 14, 2018, 07:54:05 AM »
It sounds like a shitty situation for sure. But I will say, deciding not to use Facebook is a choice you make that involves cutting yourself off from one of the major ways people organize things and maintain friendships. I think in this day and age, not having Facebook and then being upset about being left out of things or out of the loop in general is kind of like not having a telephone or email and being upset people don't come knock on your door to invite you to things. Not saying you need to use FB, by any means, but you should definitely at least be aware of the consequences of the choice not to.

I absolutely disagree with you. Facebook is not the same as the telephone or email. These latter two are rather simple forms of direct communication whereas Facebook is a complex means of generating wealth for Mr. Zuckerberg and other investors with “connection” used as the hook to lure people into to giving up their persoanl date for free.


Whew, good thing Ma Bell back in the day didn't make any money at all and merely provided telecommunications as a community service. Thankful the babybells and other telecom firms have continued this good work. 

Nope- all the forms of communication are means of generating wealth.
Email too- you think Prodigy/AOL/Compuserve just wanted to let people communicate? Nope. And neither do hotmail, yahoo, or gmail.


Facebook started out as a way for college kids to connect. It grew to something huge because the market allowed it to; because people had a demand for the service.
When I first joined there weren't even status updates. There was only a list of, and photos of, other kids in your university. You could only connect within your university. Just like the "facebook" sold to you at the beginning of freshman year that had a photo of everyone who enrolled. But this was electronic.

Zikoris

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Re: Facebook and friendship
« Reply #5 on: December 14, 2018, 10:01:12 AM »
It sounds like a shitty situation for sure. But I will say, deciding not to use Facebook is a choice you make that involves cutting yourself off from one of the major ways people organize things and maintain friendships. I think in this day and age, not having Facebook and then being upset about being left out of things or out of the loop in general is kind of like not having a telephone or email and being upset people don't come knock on your door to invite you to things. Not saying you need to use FB, by any means, but you should definitely at least be aware of the consequences of the choice not to.

I absolutely disagree with you. Facebook is not the same as the telephone or email. These latter two are rather simple forms of direct communication whereas Facebook is a complex means of generating wealth for Mr. Zuckerberg and other investors with “connection” used as the hook to lure people into to giving up their persoanl date for free.

I used Facebook for one year in a professional capacity back in 2007 (when it was still cool). That was enough for me to realize I wanted to have nothing to do with the platform in my personal life. Actually, my primary objection to Facebook is one that I rarely hear other people complain about. There has been so much in the news about Facebook and privacy issues, Facebook and fake news, etc., etc.

But my primary concern is that Facebook warps, cheapens and commoditizes identity and personal relationships.

I think Facebook is objectively speaking a “bad thing” that some people are able to use with no problem whatsoever, but most can’t. For me it’s a social pathogen, maybe the social equivalent of a disease like, Typhoid fever, say, where people react differently to the same microbe. Some people get deathly ill (get depressed, highly addicted to Facebook) whereas other are perfectly fine (infected carriers who happen to have some kind of natural immunity to the pathogen).

My friend (who did express regret about having inadvertently let Facebook decide who her friends were going to be), was, in her defense, extremely busy. She worked full time and had two autistic children. I can see exactly why she could have let herself slide into Facebook convenience “friendship” to the exclusion of almost any other social life.

And you absolutely have the right to choose not to use any service you don't want to. But it's a simple fact that for a lot of people, Facebook is how they organize events and stay in touch with people, and they aren't interested in using other things. Choosing not to use it is choosing for these kinds of things to happen. You're not going to be up to date on what's going on in many people's lives, and you're not going to get invited to certain things. That's just reality. Choices have consequences.

Chris22

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Re: Facebook and friendship
« Reply #6 on: December 14, 2018, 11:57:12 AM »
It sounds like a shitty situation for sure. But I will say, deciding not to use Facebook is a choice you make that involves cutting yourself off from one of the major ways people organize things and maintain friendships. I think in this day and age, not having Facebook and then being upset about being left out of things or out of the loop in general is kind of like not having a telephone or email and being upset people don't come knock on your door to invite you to things. Not saying you need to use FB, by any means, but you should definitely at least be aware of the consequences of the choice not to.

I absolutely disagree with you. Facebook is not the same as the telephone or email. These latter two are rather simple forms of direct communication whereas Facebook is a complex means of generating wealth for Mr. Zuckerberg and other investors with “connection” used as the hook to lure people into to giving up their persoanl date for free.

For me, one is not a substitute for the other. 

Phone calls, and to a lesser extent, emails, are great for catching up with close friends, discussing serious things, etc.

Facebook is great for keeping in "arms length" touch with lots of friends and acquaintances from various stages of life who don't need to be close friends.  I have a lot of FB "friends" with whom I'm happy to share a joke, a picture of my kid, whatever, but I don't need to call them and have a lengthy "catch up" conversation with. 

If (the royal) you have a binary "you are my close friend or you can fuck right off" relationship with people, yeah, I can see FB is lousy.  But if you have friends and acquaintances with whom you want to have a passing rapport with but not necessarily dedicate a phone call to, FB is good.  I grew up in one state, went to college in another, moved all around with the Navy in another, and finally settled in a different one, so I have a lot of scattered people with whom I like to touch base occasionally, but would be weird if I called out of the blue and expected a lengthy phone call with them.  I don't expect Julie I used to bar hop with in college to call me up and tell me she bought a house, had a kid, got married, or switched jobs, but I'm happy to throw her a 'like' or a quick "Congrats!" when she announces it on FB.  Different relationships. 

Cassie

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Re: Facebook and friendship
« Reply #7 on: December 14, 2018, 02:52:57 PM »
I am surprised that your friend didn’t email or call you. Not using Facebook shouldn’t affect your friendship. I am so sorry for your loss.

ChpBstrd

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Re: Facebook and friendship
« Reply #8 on: December 16, 2018, 09:48:46 AM »
Facebook has obtained a monopoly on this type of communication. Many people exclusively use this as a means of interaction.

However, it is also a toxic app that you are avoiding for good reason. It literally causes life dissatisfaction, depression, and social isolation. It literally erodes real-world friendships as more time is spent with online "friends" who are really just avatars / video game characters and don't even resemble their real owners. Some large percentage of "people" on social media are actually bots, and there's no way to know for sure because the medium reduces communication to a level where bots can win the Turing test. You would have lost more real-world friends by using FB; some political argument would come up and someone would click "unfriend" and then you'd be that much more dependent on your FB "friends" who you've never met.

Of course, people have had friends die and found out months later in the era before social media. Most folks' first reaction to a stage 4 cancer diagnosis is not to send letters or go through their phone list, and those who die suddenly obviously never get the chance. The lesson here is not to invest 8 hours a week on social media for FOMO, but perhaps to heal yourself by getting involved in your real-world community and finding a new real-world friend so that you can enrich each others' lives. Social media, including this blog, will never return what you lost when you lost your friend. Good luck.