Yesterday, as I was writing my Christmas cards, I went online to double check the address of an old friend from college. We had been close friends for only about 1 1/2 years, but what years they were! She and I sang together in the choir where I met my husband ... and she met hers too -- my husband's best friend. Both she and her future husband were in our wedding party. We had such great times together until my husband finished his doctorate and we moved from the Northeast to the Midwest about 30 years ago. We still kept in touch, though, of course, not as much as before. But every time we met, it was as if there was instant intimacy. Just like family. The last time I saw her in person was 9 years ago.
However, since that time something in our relationship seemed to have changed. I would write her cards as usual and she never wrote back. I think I even called her a few times, but when she didn't return my calls, I stopped trying. Then, out of the blue, in May this year my husband and I got an invitation to her husband's 60th birthday party. I actually considered going although it would have meant a trip half way across the country for a few hours of party. Actually, I would have gone in a heartbeat if I had know that it would have been just us four. I didn't want the heartbreak of investing that much only to realize we were one of 50 guests with little chance to actually catch up. So, we didn't.
I regret that now because what I found when I looked her up was that she had died (at age 55) just four days before. How could this have happened? How could I not even have know she was sick? Was that unusual invitation really an invitation to an informal farewell party for her? But how could I have known that? I had all kind of questions.
My husband and I called her husband and left a condolence voice mail. My husband has also reached out on LinkedIn. I did not go on Facebook because I do not have a Facebook account. (I have chosen not to do Facebook for about 4 different reasons, one of which was that I had a horrible high school experience -- bad enough to make the news -- and I absolutely do not want certain people to be able to get in touch with me, even if it is only to have me not friend them.) But I have always wondered if she was posting on there and I was missing most of her life.
I have been doing a little online sleuthing because I can't really focus on anything else today and I found a quote from her in her Alma Mater's newsletter. She says that, aside from work colleagues and a few very rare exceptions all of her friendships were circumscribed by Facebook and what her Facebook friends chose to post ... and that she found that troubling.
So, it looks like it wasn't something I said at our last meeting after all. It looks like Facebook ate our friendship and there was nothing left. I mean -- I didn't even know she was terminally ill and I wouldn't even have known she had died if I hadn't happened to look her up on line.
There's no question here. I'm just feeling extremely sad and wanted to let it out. But if anyone has had a similar experience, please feel free to share.
TL;DNR I had a great friend. We moved away, yet kept in touch. Until Facebook came along. And I didn't even know it was Facebook, it thought it was me -- something I had said -- until I did a little sleuthing and saw that it probably was just Facebook. But it's too late. She's dead now.