Anyone dislike hosting houseguests?

[NewPerspective]

Hi,

So this has nothing to do with money really but you guys are so wise I thought I would seek your counsel.  I really dislike having house guests.  I can handle 3-4 night no problem (although I don't "relish" it).  The problem is my in-laws.  They live in a different state and enjoy loooong visits.  A good visit is at least 9 days for them.  They are now retired and I can see them wanting to visit more often and for longer duration. 

It makes me MISERABLE and I dread seeing them at all now.  I've been married 12 years and this has been an ongoing issue from the beginning of our marriage. (Funny enough, it wasn't an issue at all while we were dating and lived in an apartment.  But as soon as we had a house, they were wanting to visit for a week or longer).  Mostly I've just dealt with it the best I could, however, this is becoming more and more difficult for me.

My husband agrees with me however he hates the idea of hurting their feelings.  He is pretty passive in general and is a very kind hearted person.  I feel awful for putting him in a situation where he feels he is going to hurt them by saying they can't visit for as long or as often as they would like.  I also don't want to hurt their feelings but I'm actually starting to resent them.

They are nice people and my husband has a great relationship with them, so I hate that I feel like this.  It isn't really personal about them (although if they were more respectful of me/my boundaries, it would help a lot).  They are very focused on my husband and I know they like me and enjoy my company but I definitely feel I'm just there to facilitate their visit. (I'm the planner, organizer, etc).

I would LOVE to change my feelings to where I didn't mind having them visit, but I really don't know how.  Any advice? 

[Kris]

I dislike it, too.  Fortunately, we don't have any people in our lives who come for long visits.

I think it's an introvert thing.  I guess I'd suggest a couple of things:

1) I would "schedule" some periodic breaks from your house/your husband's family when they come to visit.  Yoga Monday/Wednesday/Friday afternoons?  Brunch with friends on Saturday?  Or just making up a commitment and just going out for some alone time by yourself?  This is all perfectly fine.

2) Perhaps you could figure out a way to limit their visits by going there way, and staying in a hotel for part or all of the time.  That way, you are more in control of how much time you spend with them.

3) Above all, don't hate yourself for this.  We all have things we dislike.  It's not wrong, it's just the way you're built.

[Kitsunegari]

My inlaws visit us for a month at the time, so I feel your pain.
Can you elaborate what is that makes you miserable? The invasion of your space? Feeling judged by someone that observes your everyday life? Them not helping at all? Them putting their hands everywhere?
Scheduling solo time is a great idea. Your hubby could also schedule time with them outside of the house and without you, i.e. go to a restaurant you don't like, doing sports you dislike and so on.

[NewPerspective]

I dislike it, too.  Fortunately, we don't have any people in our lives who come for long visits.

I think it's an introvert thing.  I guess I'd suggest a couple of things:

1) I would "schedule" some periodic breaks from your house/your husband's family when they come to visit.  Yoga Monday/Wednesday/Friday afternoons?  Brunch with friends on Saturday?  Or just making up a commitment and just going out for some alone time by yourself?  This is all perfectly fine.

2) Perhaps you could figure out a way to limit their visits by going there way, and staying in a hotel for part or all of the time.  That way, you are more in control of how much time you spend with them.

3) Above all, don't hate yourself for this.  We all have things we dislike.  It's not wrong, it's just the way you're built.

I think it is an introvert thing.  Although, it is funny, if you were to meet me in real life you wouldn't think I'm introverted.  I'm very social and I'm usually the one making conversation and making sure everyone has a good time.

one thing that I've started asking my husband to do is to go visit them on his own (we don't have kids so this is an easy thing for us).  This has been working pretty well and they enjoy it BUT they still want to visit us.  They are of the mindset that if they spend the time and money to come visit us they need to make it "worth it" by staying for a long time.

Recently, they stayed with my brother and sister in law for a month! That sounds like torture to me!

Thank you for saying #3.  This is exactly what I do.  I really do want to be different and I feel bad making my husband feel bad. I question what is wrong with me!

[Argyle]

If you're the planner and organizer, why not stop planning and organizing?  Let your agreeable husband do it.  After all, they're his parents.  Takes a lot of stress off you.  And I imagine they're not making you plan and organize — you fell into the roll, and your husband happily went along with it.  But time to stop.  Let him take it over.

[NewPerspective]

My inlaws visit us for a month at the time, so I feel your pain.
Can you elaborate what is that makes you miserable? The invasion of your space? Feeling judged by someone that observes your everyday life? Them not helping at all? Them putting their hands everywhere?
Scheduling solo time is a great idea. Your hubby could also schedule time with them outside of the house and without you, i.e. go to a restaurant you don't like, doing sports you dislike and so on.

I am a bit of a homebody and like having my down time.  When people are there I always feel I have to be on, making conversation, entertaining, etc.   In our day to day life I handle all of the domestic stuff, so when we have visitors it tends to fall on me. 

My MIL is always telling me how lucky I am to be married to DH.  She isn't saying it in a mean way about me, it is more about her wanting us to have a mutual admiration society or something.  So even though I don't take it personally it still makes me feel excluded or unimportant.   The focus is 100% on my husband, I really do just feel like a visitor in my own life when they are around.  This is a combination of them being insensitive and me being overly sensitive.

And then there are petty things, the house gets messy, they don't eat the same things we do. We have pets and it all just feels overwhelming to me with the extra people in the house.

[NewPerspective]

If you're the planner and organizer, why not stop planning and organizing?  Let your agreeable husband do it.  After all, they're his parents.  Takes a lot of stress off you.  And I imagine they're not making you plan and organize — you fell into the roll, and your husband happily went along with it.  But time to stop.  Let him take it over.

I have worked on doing this.  It doesn't entirely solve the problem though.  The problem is really that I get tired of having them around. 

I think you are right though, I really do need to keep on focusing on being more of the passive one in this situation.

[Kris]

I think it is an introvert thing.  Although, it is funny, if you were to meet me in real life you wouldn't think I'm introverted.  I'm very social and I'm usually the one making conversation and making sure everyone has a good time.

Yup, me too. And like you said in another quote, part of the issue with introverts like us is that we feel like we have to be "on" all the time to make sure people are happy.  And that's exhausting.  I am good with that for an evening, or a short period of time, but it's really draining.  Doing it for even longer than that is really hard to imagine.

One good thing about the fact that this is your in-laws: they are there primarily to see your husband.  I mean, of course they like/love you, but he is the "main event".  So, take advantage of that, and as Kitsunegari said, have your husband schedule activities that the three of them will enjoy doing without you. 

[therethere]

This sounds exactly like me. I love how my parents and in-laws visit. But a few days in its exhausting. I get exhausted thinking we always have to be doing something or have a plan. Its way too much. My husband always is thinking we need to show them all the best spots which means we are constantly trying to think of places to go. Starting right from when we get home. Its never ending! Only saving grace is that I only take 1-2 days off work. So going into work is like heaven. Put my headphones on for the day and relax!

This year was the worst. In-laws came for 10 days. Next weekend we went on 5 day camping WE. Busy, busy by ourselves all summer with camping and hiking nearly every weekend. Then my parents came for 2 weeks. Of course, they decided to come immediately before our 3 week vacation to South America (which we had not planned at all except for flights there). So.... I was working everyday, entertaining them, while trying to plan my trip in any free second (while there are 3 people on the couch bickering about where to go tonight, what's for dinner, I have to eat before xxx time, etc.). I lost it a few times to say the least...

This is taking out the inconvenience aspect. When parents visit we give up our room and sleep on the floor or the couch. Which means we have to remember to pick out clothes the night before, etc. Also, my parents decided they needed 6 suitcases so they also took up an entire second room and the house was a craphole the entire time..... Ah. Feels good to know someone else knows the pain!

[iris lily]

My in laws. Perfect.

They used to stop at our house overnight on the long drive to Florida from their house in Northern Iowa.

One night. Once in a while DH would convince them to stay two nights.

Perfect inlaws.

[Meowmalade]

I'm very particular about things being neat and tidy. I know it's a bit much, but even having a house guest who leaves their handbag in the living room instead of their room, or throws a coat over a chair - those things bother me. It's probably because in such a small space [I know 1000 sq/foot is quite a lot but our bedroom is disproportionately huge and the living area is pretty small] I feel everything needs to be in its place or it starts to look cluttered.

But I don't want to be an ungracious host and impose my borderline OCD tidiness standards on guests who are here to relax, so I have to just let it go. That's fine for 3 or 4 days, but like the OP, anything more than that and I just want my own space, and I want my space to look like my space.

I could have written this!  Every time we have houseguests, a part of me can't wait for them to leave so that I can clean and tidy and put everything back where it should be.

Plus, we technically have two bathrooms but one is in the basement where we currently have a roommate, so it's like we just have one right now.  Once we have a guest or two (or more!), it ends up being like bathroom musical chairs-- there isn't one available when you need it!  (Also, my mom mentioned to my sister that older people have more trouble holding it in, and that was an issue during her visit...)

NewPerspective, if you're getting to the point where you're resenting the in-laws, that's a problem that will just grow  :( I think you need to do what you need to do, and their feelings will be initially hurt, but if they're reasonable people they will adjust over time.  Since you mentioned that there were boundary issues, perhaps you could start with concrete things that they could work on to make themselves better guests in your home?  Don't forget the sandwich approach, say positive things on either side of the negative thing!  It always helps.

[Cpa Cat]

We just got rid of our guest room. We only had guests once a year or so, and we really don't like having people stay with us. My husband was daydreaming about having a "listening room" where he could set up a dedicated area to play his vinyl records, I told him we should convert the guest room.

He said: "Can we do that? Don't we -need- a guest room?"
I said: "We don't even like houseguests! Why are we dedicating an entire room to them?"

And it was done! Of course, I casually mentioned my plans to my mother and she nearly had a fit.

Mom: "How can you possibly not have a guest room in a house your size?! It's unheard of! What if I want to visit?! In fact, I'm planning on coming to see you in two years because your state is the best place to see [some astronomy thing]!"
I said: "I am not keeping a guest room because you're planning to visit in two years. That's ridiculous. There are hotels in my state."

She kept going on about it like it was some kind of betrayal to my family that I would not have an entire room available to them on the off chance that astronomical phenomena brings them to my state. I found it bizarre.

It's like owning a pick-up truck because sometimes your friends ask you to help them move.

[justajane]

I think it is an introvert thing.  Although, it is funny, if you were to meet me in real life you wouldn't think I'm introverted.  I'm very social and I'm usually the one making conversation and making sure everyone has a good time.

Yup, me too. And like you said in another quote, part of the issue with introverts like us is that we feel like we have to be "on" all the time to make sure people are happy.  And that's exhausting.  I am good with that for an evening, or a short period of time, but it's really draining.  Doing it for even longer than that is really hard to imagine.

This is very insightful. I am an introvert, but until you just wrote this, I had never thought about how the "people pleasing" aspect of my personality might or might not relate to being an introvert.

As my husband likes to say, I can be the master pretender when I want to be. Even though all I want to do is be home on my couch with a cup of coffee and a book, I can pretend in social settings that I am where I want to be. And usually I end up enjoying myself. But the problem with a house guest is that your safe place or escape from socializing is taken away from you.

But, yes, having a house guest is extremely hard on me. The only person who stays in our house these days is my mother-in-law. Because she is a decent house guest, I don't usually start to struggle with her presence until day 3 or 4. Thus, I usually think her limit is about 5 days. My sister, on the other hand, is two nights max. She just follows me around the house talking to me and asking me questions all the time. I feel like a jerk saying this, but I just can't cope with that. By the end, I am just emotionally drained. 

I will say that having three kids in a 1,400 sq foot home really solves the problem of having too many house guests. No one except grandparents really want to stay with us anymore.

[NewPerspective]

I'm very particular about things being neat and tidy. I know it's a bit much, but even having a house guest who leaves their handbag in the living room instead of their room, or throws a coat over a chair - those things bother me. It's probably because in such a small space [I know 1000 sq/foot is quite a lot but our bedroom is disproportionately huge and the living area is pretty small] I feel everything needs to be in its place or it starts to look cluttered.

But I don't want to be an ungracious host and impose my borderline OCD tidiness standards on guests who are here to relax, so I have to just let it go. That's fine for 3 or 4 days, but like the OP, anything more than that and I just want my own space, and I want my space to look like my space.

I could have written this!  Every time we have houseguests, a part of me can't wait for them to leave so that I can clean and tidy and put everything back where it should be.

Plus, we technically have two bathrooms but one is in the basement where we currently have a roommate, so it's like we just have one right now.  Once we have a guest or two (or more!), it ends up being like bathroom musical chairs-- there isn't one available when you need it!  (Also, my mom mentioned to my sister that older people have more trouble holding it in, and that was an issue during her visit...)

NewPerspective, if you're getting to the point where you're resenting the in-laws, that's a problem that will just grow  :( I think you need to do what you need to do, and their feelings will be initially hurt, but if they're reasonable people they will adjust over time.  Since you mentioned that there were boundary issues, perhaps you could start with concrete things that they could work on to make themselves better guests in your home?  Don't forget the sandwich approach, say positive things on either side of the negative thing!  It always helps.

I am also a bit of a neat freak.  Certain things they do really drive me bonkers. I do try and let it go. 

I've always been told that it is best for the son/daughter to talk to their parents and not the DIL?  If I talked to them it will be squarely placed on me. I think it would anyway since DH is so easy going in general.  I will say I would have NO problem telling my mom something like this if needed.

We will be visiting them for Thanksgiving.  We are staying for five days and my husband was trying to think of excuses to tell them for why we weren't staying 7 days.  In my mind, it is fine to just say we want a couple days of down time before returning to work, but he wasn't comfortable saying that.

My husband and I have spent YEARS talking about this.  He understand my position but he can't seem to bring himself to lay down boundaries.  So now I'm thinking I need to get my own place or learn how to be ok with this.  :-)

[Kris]

I think it is an introvert thing.  Although, it is funny, if you were to meet me in real life you wouldn't think I'm introverted.  I'm very social and I'm usually the one making conversation and making sure everyone has a good time.

Yup, me too. And like you said in another quote, part of the issue with introverts like us is that we feel like we have to be "on" all the time to make sure people are happy.  And that's exhausting.  I am good with that for an evening, or a short period of time, but it's really draining.  Doing it for even longer than that is really hard to imagine.

This is very insightful. I am an introvert, but until you just wrote this, I had never thought about how the "people pleasing" aspect of my personality might or might not relate to being an introvert.

As my husband likes to say, I can be the master pretender when I want to be. Even though all I want to do is be home on my couch with a cup of coffee and a book, I can pretend in social settings that I am where I want to be. And usually I end up enjoying myself. But the problem with a house guest is that your safe place or escape from socializing is taken away from you.

Exactly.  Many people who only know me casually are very surprised if I mention that I'm an introvert.  I have a good friend who calls me the "queen of schmooze" and always says that I can work a room like nobody's business.  Which is true... IF I gear up for it, IF I know it's only for a limited time, and IF I have control of my ability to leave when I want.  (I hated going to parties in other peoples' vehicles when I was younger, for example, because I hate it when I have emptied my "social interaction tank" for the night and want to go home, but the people I'm with want to stay longer.)  And I tend to hate very open-ended activities like going over to the house of a relative for a holiday where it's expected that you'll stay for three hours, waiting around for dinner, and then after dinner spend another three hours socializing.  That is way, way too long for me for just sitting around with no goal.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE having interesting conversations with people over a glass of wine, say, but sitting around staring at football on the TV or around a dinner table talking with family about not much other than trivialities... ugh.

"Home," one's personal space, is a very important sanctuary for people like us.  Not having that space to get away from the world and recharge is extremely draining.

[Meowmalade]

I've always been told that it is best for the son/daughter to talk to their parents and not the DIL?  If I talked to them it will be squarely placed on me. I think it would anyway since DH is so easy going in general.  I will say I would have NO problem telling my mom something like this if needed.

Oh yes, absolutely!  I mean, if it is driving you this crazy, it will be very hard for your husband to say these things, but he needs to for your sake.  Maybe it would help if you find a good article on introverts and how they work, so that they can see that it's not personal?  I think it's very important to focus on the fact that it's not personal, you are just wired differently from them.

I am wondering if a counselor could help with your husband realizing how unbalanced his needs to "not hurt their feelings" against your "driving me crazy for the rest of my life" is.  Also, with how to gracefully present the situation to your in-laws.  I think counselors can help a ton with boundary issues.  My sister set up boundaries with me after seeing a counselor-- she had a lot going on and my dad and I were both relying on her for emotional support which she simply did not have energy for.  It was difficult for all of us at the beginning, but she eventually "trained" me and we have a happier and healthier relationship for it.

[NewPerspective]

I think it is an introvert thing.  Although, it is funny, if you were to meet me in real life you wouldn't think I'm introverted.  I'm very social and I'm usually the one making conversation and making sure everyone has a good time.

Yup, me too. And like you said in another quote, part of the issue with introverts like us is that we feel like we have to be "on" all the time to make sure people are happy.  And that's exhausting.  I am good with that for an evening, or a short period of time, but it's really draining.  Doing it for even longer than that is really hard to imagine.

This is very insightful. I am an introvert, but until you just wrote this, I had never thought about how the "people pleasing" aspect of my personality might or might not relate to being an introvert.

As my husband likes to say, I can be the master pretender when I want to be. Even though all I want to do is be home on my couch with a cup of coffee and a book, I can pretend in social settings that I am where I want to be. And usually I end up enjoying myself. But the problem with a house guest is that your safe place or escape from socializing is taken away from you.

Exactly.  Many people who only know me casually are very surprised if I mention that I'm an introvert.  I have a good friend who calls me the "queen of schmooze" and always says that I can work a room like nobody's business.  Which is true... IF I gear up for it, IF I know it's only for a limited time, and IF I have control of my ability to leave when I want.  (I hated going to parties in other peoples' vehicles when I was younger, for example, because I hate it when I have emptied my "social interaction tank" for the night and want to go home, but the people I'm with want to stay longer.)  And I tend to hate very open-ended activities like going over to the house of a relative for a holiday where it's expected that you'll stay for three hours, waiting around for dinner, and then after dinner spend another three hours socializing.  That is way, way too long for me for just sitting around with no goal.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE having interesting conversations with people over a glass of wine, say, but sitting around staring at football on the TV or around a dinner table talking with family about not much other than trivialities... ugh.

"Home," one's personal space, is a very important sanctuary for people like us.  Not having that space to get away from the world and recharge is extremely draining.

Yep, this is exactly how I am too!  People would probably describe me as being fun and outgoing but I actually tend to feel a lot of pressure when I'm in social situations. I usually dread social engagements but then I end up enjoying myself once I'm there.  I'm always relieved to get home though.  Home really is my sanctuary!  I enjoy the in-laws for 3-4 days but after that it goes downhill really quickly for me (they don't ever know that though - I'm ALWAYS very polite and gracious).

Meowmalade:  My husband would go to a counselor if I wanted to but I don't know.....we have really good communication and we are able to talk about this without it being an argument.  I think we both understand the other person's POV.   I am really uncomfortable with "making" him do something that he is so uncomfortable with.  He tends to want to discuss with me what he should say to them and how he should say it, when he should say it, etc, etc. 

I would honestly like to get to a point where I am ok with seeing them a couple times a year for extended visits (extended to me is more than 5 days).  I don't know what is considered normal in other families?  I was not raised with people traveling for visits, having house guests, etc.  When I lived out of state for five years my mom visited once for two nights.   His family culture is very different, lots of long visits and it seems like everyone is happy with that and enjoys it.  I definitely feel like a freak.

Also, my husband will make comments about them not being here forever and their health not being great. I would feel awful if he had guilt at some point in the future because he didn't let me visit as long or often as they wanted.

[Meowmalade]

Meowmalade:  My husband would go to a counselor if I wanted to but I don't know.....we have really good communication and we are able to talk about this without it being an argument.  I think we both understand the other person's POV.   I am really uncomfortable with "making" him do something that he is so uncomfortable with.  He tends to want to discuss with me what he should say to them and how he should say it, when he should say it, etc, etc. 

I would honestly like to get to a point where I am ok with seeing them a couple times a year for extended visits (extended to me is more than 5 days).  I don't know what is considered normal in other families?  I was not raised with people traveling for visits, having house guests, etc.  When I lived out of state for five years my mom visited once for two nights.   His family culture is very different, lots of long visits and it seems like everyone is happy with that and enjoys it.  I definitely feel like a freak.

Also, my husband will make comments about them not being here forever and their health not being great. I would feel awful if he had guilt at some point in the future because he didn't let me visit as long or often as they wanted.

Just a quick note: a counselor might be able to suggest how to say things in a way that your in-laws will understand, yet be effective, since they are supposed to be experts in navigating tricky relationship dynamics!

I don't think there's a "normal", it depends so much on the family and the culture.  It sounds like you're making a genuine effort to have them visit-- you just need to have some boundaries because right now it's all about what they want and it's not working for you.  Please don't feel bad just because what makes his family happy doesn't jive with what you need!!

[Glenstache]

It's like owning a pick-up truck because sometimes your friends ask you to help them move.

*chuckle*

[CommonCents]

I've always been told that it is best for the son/daughter to talk to their parents and not the DIL?  If I talked to them it will be squarely placed on me. I think it would anyway since DH is so easy going in general.  I will say I would have NO problem telling my mom something like this if needed.

We will be visiting them for Thanksgiving.  We are staying for five days and my husband was trying to think of excuses to tell them for why we weren't staying 7 days.  In my mind, it is fine to just say we want a couple days of down time before returning to work, but he wasn't comfortable saying that.

My husband and I have spent YEARS talking about this.  He understand my position but he can't seem to bring himself to lay down boundaries.  So now I'm thinking I need to get my own place or learn how to be ok with this.  :-)

But this is perfect!  Have your husband be honest about why you are visiting for a short time.  He can explain that although you try hard to be social and outgoing, you actually are an introvert who needs down time and quiet away from people, and that 3-4 days is ideal to spend with others but you are lengthening your stay for them, and that he hopes they will be understanding for your need to for alone time.  This then sets the stage for limiting their visits later.  ("As you know, my wife is an introvert and needs quiet down time, so she struggles with lengthy visits by guests and changes to our usual routines.  We're happy to host you for up to 5 days.  If you want to stay in town longer, we can recommend some great hotel rooms nearby us.  I appreciate your understanding - I know you want to make things as easy for NewPerspective as you can.")

[NewPerspective]

I've always been told that it is best for the son/daughter to talk to their parents and not the DIL?  If I talked to them it will be squarely placed on me. I think it would anyway since DH is so easy going in general.  I will say I would have NO problem telling my mom something like this if needed.

We will be visiting them for Thanksgiving.  We are staying for five days and my husband was trying to think of excuses to tell them for why we weren't staying 7 days.  In my mind, it is fine to just say we want a couple days of down time before returning to work, but he wasn't comfortable saying that.

My husband and I have spent YEARS talking about this.  He understand my position but he can't seem to bring himself to lay down boundaries.  So now I'm thinking I need to get my own place or learn how to be ok with this.  :-)

But this is perfect!  Have your husband be honest about why you are visiting for a short time.  He can explain that although you try hard to be social and outgoing, you actually are an introvert who needs down time and quiet away from people, and that 3-4 days is ideal to spend with others but you are lengthening your stay for them, and that he hopes they will be understanding for your need to for alone time.  This then sets the stage for limiting their visits later.  ("As you know, my wife is an introvert and needs quiet down time, so she struggles with lengthy visits by guests and changes to our usual routines.  We're happy to host you for up to 5 days.  If you want to stay in town longer, we can recommend some great hotel rooms nearby us.  I appreciate your understanding - I know you want to make things as easy for NewPerspective as you can.")

You make it sound so easy!  :-) I guess it should be huh?  It would be easy if my husband wasn't so concerned about hurting them (even though I do recognize the above makes it about me, not them).   I am going to run this by him tonight.  (I will say my in-laws will think the whole introvert thing is completely silly).

[Gray Matter]

Meowmalade:  My husband would go to a counselor if I wanted to but I don't know.....we have really good communication and we are able to talk about this without it being an argument.  I think we both understand the other person's POV.   I am really uncomfortable with "making" him do something that he is so uncomfortable with.  He tends to want to discuss with me what he should say to them and how he should say it, when he should say it, etc, etc. 

I would honestly like to get to a point where I am ok with seeing them a couple times a year for extended visits (extended to me is more than 5 days).  I don't know what is considered normal in other families?  I was not raised with people traveling for visits, having house guests, etc.  When I lived out of state for five years my mom visited once for two nights.   His family culture is very different, lots of long visits and it seems like everyone is happy with that and enjoys it.  I definitely feel like a freak.

Also, my husband will make comments about them not being here forever and their health not being great. I would feel awful if he had guilt at some point in the future because he didn't let me visit as long or often as they wanted.

A couple of random thoughts--not sure how coherent I'll be since I'm cramming this in before starting supper.

First, you say your DH understands your POV, as you do his, but the truth is, he continues to worry more about hurting his parents feelings than he does meeting your needs.  I think you're letting him off the hook too easily.  I used to be that person in our marriage--if I had a decision to make and one would make my parents happy and the other my spouse happy, I always went with making my parents happy at my spouse's expense.  I had not broken away from my parents the way I ought to have when entering into a marriage.  That is not right and luckily, I came around to seeing it that way.  You are not being unreasonable here and he should support you.

That said, it's damned hard to get another person to do anything they don't want to do, so I would try suggesting a number of things.  Can they spend five days with you, and then he can take them somewhere for a long weekend, leaving you at home?  Do you have work trips or trips to visit friends or your family that you've been wanting/needing to schedule, that you can schedule during their visit?  You can talk about it as, "Oh, I'm so glad you'll be here then, because I will be gone a few days during that time and now I know DH won't be lonely while I'm gone--how fortuitous!"

You could also try explaining to DH that while he is focusing on quantity, that quantity is actually diminishing the quality of the interactions/relationship for you.  He may not get that, though, as quantity seems important to him.

I do sympathize.  My in-laws live in Africa and when they come to visit, it has generally been for three weeks (FIL) and anywhere from three-five MONTHS for my MIL.  That has been getting progressively harder, though, and I don't think I have another such visit in me.  Luckily, my DH is supportive and will set whatever time limits with them that I want.

Good luck with this.  I'm an extreme extrovert and have a high tolerance for chaos on the home front, but the older I get, the more I need my space and my downtime.  I can only imagine how difficult this is for introverts!

[NewPerspective]

A couple of random thoughts--not sure how coherent I'll be since I'm cramming this in before starting supper.

First, you say your DH understands your POV, as you do his, but the truth is, he continues to worry more about hurting his parents feelings than he does meeting your needs.  I think you're letting him off the hook too easily.  I used to be that person in our marriage--if I had a decision to make and one would make my parents happy and the other my spouse happy, I always went with making my parents happy at my spouse's expense.  I had not broken away from my parents the way I ought to have when entering into a marriage.  That is not right and luckily, I came around to seeing it that way.  You are not being unreasonable here and he should support you.

Hmmmm, I need to give this some thought.  This has been an ongoing conversation for years, so obviously something isn't working.

That said, it's damned hard to get another person to do anything they don't want to do, so I would try suggesting a number of things.  Can they spend five days with you, and then he can take them somewhere for a long weekend, leaving you at home?  Do you have work trips or trips to visit friends or your family that you've been wanting/needing to schedule, that you can schedule during their visit?  You can talk about it as, "Oh, I'm so glad you'll be here then, because I will be gone a few days during that time and now I know DH won't be lonely while I'm gone--how fortuitous!"

This is a good idea.  I feel there is an unsaid expectation that we do everything together (unless I'm at work).  This is how we have done things for 12 years.  He will feel very uncomfortable if I willfully opt out of activities.

You could also try explaining to DH that while he is focusing on quantity, that quantity is actually diminishing the quality of the interactions/relationship for you.  He may not get that, though, as quantity seems important to him.

YES!!  I say this to him every single time this conversation comes up.  That I would feel much warmer towards them in general and actually want to see them if I didn't get to a point in every visit where I'm just done and want to run away. He really does seem to understand and it isn't even that he wants to spend days and days with them, it really is that he doesn't want to hurt their feelings.  And he has this weird thing about them dying suddenly. 

I do sympathize.  My in-laws live in Africa and when they come to visit, it has generally been for three weeks (FIL) and anywhere from three-five MONTHS for my MIL.  That has been getting progressively harder, though, and I don't think I have another such visit in me.  Luckily, my DH is supportive and will set whatever time limits with them that I want.

Oh my!!  MONTHS.  I honestly think I would move out.  seriously. 

Good luck with this.  I'm an extreme extrovert and have a high tolerance for chaos on the home front, but the older I get, the more I need my space and my downtime.  I can only imagine how difficult this is for introverts!

[MayDay]

So, I feel like you do need a counselor.  Because your H understands that this is hard for you, but 1. doesn't say anything to his parents, and 2. WANTS YOU TO DO ALL ACTIVITIES AS A GROUP? 

Is.he.smoking.crack?

Seriously, I GET YOU.  I am your sister from another mister.  We used to live far from the IL's, and they would come for a week, and it SUCKED HARD.  It about killed me. 

Here are my conclusions of compromise for this scenario:
1.  They can come for a whole week, but only once a year.  All other visits must be 3-5 days.
2.  Your H MUST take them out of the house at least every other day while they are visiting, leaving you at home in peace.
3.  You are allowed to go do whatever you want to do, ALONE.  Errands, social activities, sitting alone in a coffee shop, etc.
4.  Your H is in charge of feeding, cleaning and organizing. 

We now live closer to my in laws so it is a non issue.  My parents come for a week and it is fine, because I'm like "I'm going for a walk alone" or whatever, or I tell them to pick up their shit.  Or we all sit in a room together, quietly, and read our books without talking.  And plus also, they aren't weird about food and they don't insist on everyone being TOGETHER ALL THE TIME.

[TomTX]

I can't believe I didn't see this critical houseguest hosting issue highlighted.

You have to wear pants. Not just when you go outside, but ALL THE TIME.

I mean really. Pants. Ugh.

[rockstache]

I didn't know anyone actually LIKED hosting house guests. Anything more than 3 days and I want them out out OUT.

[SwordGuy]

My wife filled up the two spare bedrooms with stuff and no beds or floor space.  No spare bedroom so they had to stay in a hotel.

I knew what she was doing and I let her do it because of how my mom treated her.   

[Noodle]

Having people in your home who are not simpatico is a special kind of hell. I feel for you. That said, I think you are more likely to be successful changing the way the visit plays out than limiting length. No matter how many times you say that it has nothing to do with them, just your own need for space, they will feel like it is about them. Parents are often very sensitive to whether a SIL or DIL is "keeping them from their child" and your husband does not sound like he would handle being in the middle of that very well. If nothing else, try the milder version first--escalating is MUCH easier than de-escalating.

In terms of changing the terms of the visit, this is where  you sit down with your husband and say,"I understand that it is important to you to have your parents here for visits and not to limit their time here. However, in return for me having this visit when you know I need a fair amount of space, I need you to take this visit on by: taking responsibility for feeding, entertaining, and planning; getting them out of the house on a regular basis so I can have quiet; letting me choose a few activities to attend and not expecting me to be at everything." If he won't cooperate with that, then you are justified in insisting on shorter visits.

Other things that might help...if the in-laws are going to be visiting on a regular basis, encourage them to develop some traditions, with or without Son (but not with you :)). They always go to a certain cafe, or to visit a particular garden, or to shop for something they can't get at home, or whatever. That cuts down on planning. Also, let go the idea that they are houseguests who need fancy entertainment. Just include them in your regular life--help with projects, or go to the grocery store with you, or whatever. They really just want to be around their son.

[NewPerspective]

Thank you all for your feedback.  You've given me a lot to think about.

MayDay - hahaha! Yes, sometimes I think we are both smoking crack.  Generally speaking, DH goes along with whatever I want but I think we are both people pleasers to a fault.  I have asked him to take his parents on outings without me and he has done it.  It makes both of us feel a little weird though.  I know his mom was a little bothered that I didn't go with them the last time and that made me feel weird.  I need to get over this.  I think she was bothered because it was something really different than what she is used to.  They would get used to me not always being there if that is what we started doing.

TomTx - not only pants but also a bra!  :-)

Noodle - Thank you for this advice.  This feels the most comfortable to me because it is the least confrontational.  I've been trying to move in this direction for the last couple of years, I think I need to try harder.   The last time they visited we didn't make any special plans and we pretty much followed our same routine during the week (which involves going to bed very early because we get up very early to exercise before work). His mom's feelings were really hurt although she never came out and said why exactly.  She sort of hinted that they didn't feel welcome.   So I don't know, this is a problem because I find is very challenging to change up my routine for days on end. I feel resentful that as a hostess I'm expected to "host" for days and days. 

Anyway I feel I've written a book here.  Thanks to all that have read it and offered advice, I appreciate it.

[Kris]

I think she was bothered because it was something really different than what she is used to.  They would get used to me not always being there if that is what we started doing.

I have often noticed in many marriages that there seems to be more "weight" on one side of the family (on partner's parents and family) than on the other.  Call it "cultural baggage," if you will: it seems like one family, whether because that family is bigger, or more opinionated, or has a stronger need/sense of family "tradition", whose way of doing things seems to take up much more space.

In my first marriage, my husband was the youngest of nine children. Large family, very traditional, very close.  I, on the other hand, was an only child, and my father died not long after I got married.  The absolute expectation was that things just "were done" the way that my ex's family did things (holidays, visits, how much of an expectation it was to spend time together as an extended family, etc.).  But the thing is, that definitely came into the marriage, too, because my husband had expectations of what we would be doing on the weekends and on holidays that were very different from mine. Even things like how much money should be spent on a present for a relative.  But because there was so much more cultural "weight" on his side, it ended up that he just thought my way was "wrong."  And I felt bad for not liking that way, but I didn't feel as able to say that my way wasn't wrong, it was just different.  I really liked his family, but the family expectations were just very different from what I was used to, and my ex ended up getting angry at me sometimes because I unwittingly would forget to do something or express surprise or even resistance sometimes.  Like the fact that every year we had to not only spend all of Christmas Eve with them, but we then had to drive home and then turn around and go back the next day to spend the entire Christmas Day with them.  Or like how he could't figure out why I would suggest that we go every other year to spend Christmas with my mother, when she could "just come up here" and spend it with his whole family instead.

I don't know if any of that resonates with you.  But I think it's worth keeping in mind, especially if one of the partners has trouble understanding why the other is resisting something that's just "normal" to them.

[Cpa Cat]

Like the fact that every year we had to not only spend all of Christmas Eve with them, but we then had to drive home and then turn around and go back the next day to spend the entire Christmas Day with them.  Or like how he could't figure out why I would suggest that we go every other year to spend Christmas with my mother, when she could "just come up here" and spend it with his whole family instead.

My husband never got angry at me for this, but I totally understand what you mean. His father's family is also very traditional, to the point of having zero respect for anyone else's celebrations. It was expected that we would spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with them and that we would not leave early to visit his mother or her side of the family.

In our second year of marriage, I decided to go back to Canada to spend Xmas with my family. His family brought up the year I missed Christmas for no less than 5 years afterward. It was difficult for me to wrap my head around the rigidity of it. How could it possibly be unreasonable for me to visit my own parents? Why would I be bound to their traditions? Happily for me, my family is much less serious about holidays, so it wasn't a big deal for me to attend Christmas celebrations with my husband's family. I was also told that my mom and brother should come spend Christmas with them (which I'm sure was right at the top of my family's list of things they wanted to do!).

And if we try to leave early to go see my husband's mother, his father's family will get offended and bring up that we already spent Thanksgiving, or Easter, or her birthday with her - it's as if they have some kind of score card where they track these things!

One of my husband's brothers married a woman who also comes from a traditional family, so they always leave early to go spend time with her family. After they leave, it's non-stop complaining that they NEVER get to see their grandkids and how she always FORCES him to leave early. There is zero recognition that those kids have multiple sets of grandparents. On the bright side, it did finally distract them from that one Christmas I missed ten years ago. ;)

Some people just have crazy tunnel vision that only allows them to focus on their own "rules," while completely disregarding the discomfort, inconvenience, or impact that those rules have on other people.

[NewPerspective]

I think she was bothered because it was something really different than what she is used to.  They would get used to me not always being there if that is what we started doing.

I have often noticed in many marriages that there seems to be more "weight" on one side of the family (on partner's parents and family) than on the other.  Call it "cultural baggage," if you will: it seems like one family, whether because that family is bigger, or more opinionated, or has a stronger need/sense of family "tradition", whose way of doing things seems to take up much more space.

In my first marriage, my husband was the youngest of nine children. Large family, very traditional, very close.  I, on the other hand, was an only child, and my father died not long after I got married.  The absolute expectation was that things just "were done" the way that my ex's family did things (holidays, visits, how much of an expectation it was to spend time together as an extended family, etc.).  But the thing is, that definitely came into the marriage, too, because my husband had expectations of what we would be doing on the weekends and on holidays that were very different from mine. Even things like how much money should be spent on a present for a relative.  But because there was so much more cultural "weight" on his side, it ended up that he just thought my way was "wrong."  And I felt bad for not liking that way, but I didn't feel as able to say that my way wasn't wrong, it was just different.  I really liked his family, but the family expectations were just very different from what I was used to, and my ex ended up getting angry at me sometimes because I unwittingly would forget to do something or express surprise or even resistance sometimes.  Like the fact that every year we had to not only spend all of Christmas Eve with them, but we then had to drive home and then turn around and go back the next day to spend the entire Christmas Day with them.  Or like how he could't figure out why I would suggest that we go every other year to spend Christmas with my mother, when she could "just come up here" and spend it with his whole family instead.

I don't know if any of that resonates with you.  But I think it's worth keeping in mind, especially if one of the partners has trouble understanding why the other is resisting something that's just "normal" to them.

This absolutely resonates with me!  I'm an only child too and come from a very small family.  My mom is extremely introverted so I never feel crowded or suffocated by her.  Our house was also quiet when I was growing up, there was never people coming and going.   My husband has never felt any kind of inconvenience because of my family.  I go visit my mom every 6 weeks or so for a few hours.  Usually my husband comes with me but if it doesn't, it is absolutely no big deal at all.

DH's family is larger and his mom is very extroverted.  They have lots and lots of friends and people are always coming and going.  DH is the youngest and I think, the favorite.  I didn't have the best role models for how a "normal" family should look growing up so when I got married, I just went along with anything they wanted.  I wish I had of laid down boundaries from the very beginning (it would have been much easier then) but I just didn't know how (and I felt there was something wrong with me for feeling the way I felt).

You have also brought up another good point.  DH doesn't directly make me feel bad about not wanting to spending time with his family.  He really doesn't, he is supportive of me and tells me I'm perfect.  :-)  HOWEVER, the fact that he hasn't been able to address this issue with them has basically sent me the message that what I'm feeling is really wrong.   As we discussed earlier, I hate the idea of hurting someone, so this situation has ended up making me feeling really badly about myself and then in turn, resentful towards DH and his family.   

[MayDay]

Maybe try to set their expectations up before they come.  Like, mention on the phone or in an email that "H planned this super fun outing that you went on last time, I know you 3 all loved bonding so he wanted to make sure you did it again, that will be on Tuesday night" or "You know how we like to go to bed at 8 pm, haha, so I picked you up some puzzles and rented a few movies from the library for you to watch after we go to bed at night.  I wouldn't want you to be bored in the evenings after we are asleep!". 

I find that if you verbally remind houseguests and toddlers what the routine is going to be, they don't act surprised and affronted when it happens. 

[Kris]

I think she was bothered because it was something really different than what she is used to.  They would get used to me not always being there if that is what we started doing.

I have often noticed in many marriages that there seems to be more "weight" on one side of the family (on partner's parents and family) than on the other.  Call it "cultural baggage," if you will: it seems like one family, whether because that family is bigger, or more opinionated, or has a stronger need/sense of family "tradition", whose way of doing things seems to take up much more space.

In my first marriage, my husband was the youngest of nine children. Large family, very traditional, very close.  I, on the other hand, was an only child, and my father died not long after I got married.  The absolute expectation was that things just "were done" the way that my ex's family did things (holidays, visits, how much of an expectation it was to spend time together as an extended family, etc.).  But the thing is, that definitely came into the marriage, too, because my husband had expectations of what we would be doing on the weekends and on holidays that were very different from mine. Even things like how much money should be spent on a present for a relative.  But because there was so much more cultural "weight" on his side, it ended up that he just thought my way was "wrong."  And I felt bad for not liking that way, but I didn't feel as able to say that my way wasn't wrong, it was just different.  I really liked his family, but the family expectations were just very different from what I was used to, and my ex ended up getting angry at me sometimes because I unwittingly would forget to do something or express surprise or even resistance sometimes.  Like the fact that every year we had to not only spend all of Christmas Eve with them, but we then had to drive home and then turn around and go back the next day to spend the entire Christmas Day with them.  Or like how he could't figure out why I would suggest that we go every other year to spend Christmas with my mother, when she could "just come up here" and spend it with his whole family instead.

I don't know if any of that resonates with you.  But I think it's worth keeping in mind, especially if one of the partners has trouble understanding why the other is resisting something that's just "normal" to them.

This absolutely resonates with me!  I'm an only child too and come from a very small family.  My mom is extremely introverted so I never feel crowded or suffocated by her.  Our house was also quiet when I was growing up, there was never people coming and going.   My husband has never felt any kind of inconvenience because of my family.  I go visit my mom every 6 weeks or so for a few hours.  Usually my husband comes with me but if it doesn't, it is absolutely no big deal at all.

DH's family is larger and his mom is very extroverted.  They have lots and lots of friends and people are always coming and going.  DH is the youngest and I think, the favorite.  I didn't have the best role models for how a "normal" family should look growing up so when I got married, I just went along with anything they wanted.  I wish I had of laid down boundaries from the very beginning (it would have been much easier then) but I just didn't know how (and I felt there was something wrong with me for feeling the way I felt).

You have also brought up another good point.  DH doesn't directly make me feel bad about not wanting to spending time with his family.  He really doesn't, he is supportive of me and tells me I'm perfect.  :-)  HOWEVER, the fact that he hasn't been able to address this issue with them has basically sent me the message that what I'm feeling is really wrong.   As we discussed earlier, I hate the idea of hurting someone, so this situation has ended up making me feeling really badly about myself and then in turn, resentful towards DH and his family.

Holy crap, that is a LOT of similarities between you and me.  Your family sounds a ton like mine.

It took me a while, but I eventually realized that there is no "normal," but families like that think they are "the norm," or at least the model for a happy family.   You two come from very different environments.  Both your family dynamic and his deserve to be respected, as do the differences between them.  I hope that maybe what I wrote here helps you convey these differences, and how they influence both of your thinking.

[Noodle]

Noodle - Thank you for this advice.  This feels the most comfortable to me because it is the least confrontational.  I've been trying to move in this direction for the last couple of years, I think I need to try harder.   The last time they visited we didn't make any special plans and we pretty much followed our same routine during the week (which involves going to bed very early because we get up very early to exercise before work). His mom's feelings were really hurt although she never came out and said why exactly.  She sort of hinted that they didn't feel welcome.   So I don't know, this is a problem because I find is very challenging to change up my routine for days on end. I feel resentful that as a hostess I'm expected to "host" for days and days. 

Anyway I feel I've written a book here.  Thanks to all that have read it and offered advice, I appreciate it.

Since this is a new way of doing things, you (and definitely your husband) may need to use your words more for a couple of visits; it might even call for a conversation (w hubby in earshot so he knows what was said if it gets repeated later) a la "Dear MIL, I have an embarrassing confession to make. We love having you guys here, but your side of the family has so much more energy than mine that I get so worn out. DH is being very firm nowadays that I have to take it easier when we have visitors. I am so looking forward to (fill in a couple of activities) but please don't feel bad when I need to let y'all do some things on your own." Announcing the schedule in advance, so that they know you have put thought and care into the visit, may make them feel better also.

Also, while I don't think you should change YOUR exercise routine unless you want to, I do think your HUSBAND may need to make more accommodations. Unless the Ironman is in two weeks, I would feel a bit hurt if I traveled to see someone and they left me sitting by myself at night so they could get up earlier for something that is part of the regular routine. Or you could invite them to join you--go for a walk while you run, and then meet up for coffee, or get them guest passes at the gym to meander along on the treadmill while you work out, etc. Even if they say no, being asked might feel good.

[NewPerspective]

Noodle - Thank you for this advice.  This feels the most comfortable to me because it is the least confrontational.  I've been trying to move in this direction for the last couple of years, I think I need to try harder.   The last time they visited we didn't make any special plans and we pretty much followed our same routine during the week (which involves going to bed very early because we get up very early to exercise before work). His mom's feelings were really hurt although she never came out and said why exactly.  She sort of hinted that they didn't feel welcome.   So I don't know, this is a problem because I find is very challenging to change up my routine for days on end. I feel resentful that as a hostess I'm expected to "host" for days and days. 

Anyway I feel I've written a book here.  Thanks to all that have read it and offered advice, I appreciate it.

Since this is a new way of doing things, you (and definitely your husband) may need to use your words more for a couple of visits; it might even call for a conversation (w hubby in earshot so he knows what was said if it gets repeated later) a la "Dear MIL, I have an embarrassing confession to make. We love having you guys here, but your side of the family has so much more energy than mine that I get so worn out. DH is being very firm nowadays that I have to take it easier when we have visitors. I am so looking forward to (fill in a couple of activities) but please don't feel bad when I need to let y'all do some things on your own." Announcing the schedule in advance, so that they know you have put thought and care into the visit, may make them feel better also.

Also, while I don't think you should change YOUR exercise routine unless you want to, I do think your HUSBAND may need to make more accommodations. Unless the Ironman is in two weeks, I would feel a bit hurt if I traveled to see someone and they left me sitting by myself at night so they could get up earlier for something that is part of the regular routine. Or you could invite them to join you--go for a walk while you run, and then meet up for coffee, or get them guest passes at the gym to meander along on the treadmill while you work out, etc. Even if they say no, being asked might feel good.

Thank you for this!  I will work on implementing your suggestions, maybe even over the holiday visit! 

I do understand where you are coming from regarding the exercise routine.  This is the first time we have ever done that.  BUT it was because we had just seen them a couple months prior to that visit and we had plans to go see them later in the year.  It was just feeling like such a big chunk of our life (and we were actually training for a race.  :-)  There, just had to clear that up.  See, I'm not defensive at all!  :-)

[bognish]

My parents come visit every winter for around a week. They are great house guests, but I need a few nights to not feel like I am a host during their stay. The last visit was a long week, but they headed out for a 2 night mini trip in the middle of the week. It worked great. 2 long weekends were they could see the grandkids and we didn't have to entertain after work. We all got a little breathing room in the middle of the stay.

If that doesn't work try really loud sex every night, big smile on your face at breakfast. That should make it awkward enough that they will be willing to stay at a hotel next time.

[jooles]

I feel your pain.  I have guests coming for 10 days.  This will be two adults one 11 year old and one 2 year old.  We are vegan.  They are omnivores.  I work full-time too.  Should be quite the roller coaster. 

[Sibley]

I am so lucky I don't have some of these problems. Mostly because I'm single! I don't mind visitors for short periods, but it does start to drive me crazy after a while.

I've actually got a rule - the visitor figures out what they want to do. Works great since I live in Chicago (tons to do), and used to live in California (also tons to do). You figure out what you want to see, and I'll help with logistics. Mostly my mom visits me though, and she's so easy. Literally, she'll sit at home and read, pet my cats, sleep, whatever. She likes to go out to dinner so we'll do that one day. I don't usually take time off work, so it works great.

[Bob W]

I definitely see your point OP.

Perhaps the term guest is not accurate.   Visitor maybe?   If you feel like you need to entertain,  cook, clean and interrupt your awesome life while they are there that can get old pretty quickly.

Yet they are nice folks --  So maybe just don't stress as much about their visits and be more cognizant of  your time while they are there.   Perhaps assign them duties such as cooking dinners?

9 days is a pretty long stretch.  Good luck. 

[Wilson Hall]

Another introvert checking in. I know how you all feel, and believe me the last thing I want to do after spending all day at the office is entertain people. As we've gotten older, my extrovert husband has become less so and is generally less inclined to have people over to hang out for a few hours or an evening.

When my family visits from out of town, if they're going to be around for a week or more, they rent a house.

[shelivesthedream]

I absolutely understand that you don't want to have a Big Conversation with your in-laws but I do think you need to have a Little Chat with your husband. As an introvert who once found a two-night houseguest too much, I feel your pain. You need to explain to him what the problem is for you and what needs to happen to make it better. For example, you cannot cope with the cooking so he needs to step up and do it all for that week. HE wants his parents to visit so HE should be doing the work and making the accommodations.

I think the two best things you can do without rocking the boat are to schedule something that takes you out of the house (even a pretend friend and then you go to a coffee shop by yourself with a book - bonus points if the friend's name is the main character in the book!) so you can have a bit of a breather, and something that takes them (DH, MIL, FIL) out of the house so you can actually relax in your own home. Would doing the first twice and the second once be too much over a week?

I also agree with the poster way up when who said that if there's anything 'compulsory' you need to schedule, make it that week. Work meetings, dental checkups... Then just say, "Oh darn, I've got X on that day. Well, y'all have fun without me and I'll catch up with you later!"

My only other recommendation is to catch a mild but disgusting illness like a cold, but we all know that's the coward's way out.

[debbie does duncan]

So you don t like the outlaws b/c they do not respect your boundaries.
 Hmmmm.
 Well I don t blame you . I would not enjoy a narcissistic visit for more than 2 weekends....while you still have to work and make them happy. Stop doing this now.
 Even if it feels weird/odd/scary/ sorta , kinda, OK.
You have every right to feel safe , relaxed , calm, happy in your own home.

Your in laws are adults who are using you for their own needs. If you and your husband cannot agree to stop them , you need to be firm with your boundaries.

It is hard to change habits. Stop the visits before it becomes too regular.
Good Luck
 

[elaine amj]

My SIl is like you - needs her downtime. So my brother tells the rest of us that every few days, SIL will need to hole up in her room and not come out to socialize. She does this if someone is visiting her or vice versa for longer than 2-3 days. I admit it's a little weird to the rest of us, but I'm glad she is able to verbalize this. She stays hidden for up to an entire day at a time. I like my downtime too - but usually 1-2 hours is enough for me.

Perhaps you can arrange for a fair bit of "out of the house" activities to give you a break from your visiting inlaws (even if it's made up stuff).

[daymare]

I relate so much to this question/situation, from being an outgoing/gregarious introvert (with a low-key family), to being married to a man who's easy-going and comes from a family culture that is quite different from my own (and bigger/more extroverted/with WAY more expectations/obligations).  I have had a lot of struggles with this.

To echo a lot of what others said: figure out what is it that you can do that will make the visit more enjoyable.  With me, it's been made clear to my in-laws that I'm an introvert and I have limits.  So when they visit us, my husband will take them out of the house to do something (without me), or I will head out of the house under the pretense of getting work done (or doing a certain activity).  This allows me to be friendly and gracious the rest of the time.  So, I might head to a coffee shop or library to do work (and either work or read), or go for a run by myself, or my husband will go out with them for dinner or to show a location they haven't visited.  I also make sure not to have visitors to our place for more than a few days, and have my husband take the lead on communication/planning - he is the main host.

It's honestly been a huge struggle for me to be married into a bigger family with way more expectations and obligations than I care for or grew up with.  I am seen as being in the wrong/not agreeable sometimes, particularly as my husband is very easy-going and historically has always preferred to keep the peace.  This has lead to some painful situations for me where he was putting his family first, and causing pain for me because he wanted to avoid causing discomfort to them.  We had to talk about that a lot, and he now makes a conscious effort to be vocal when something doesn't work for us as a couple (vs before when it was put on me).  I don't exactly have your problem, since I don't have a problem making sure I get the decompression time I need, but it does mean that I've dealt with negative reactions of in-laws to that, since they operate differently.  But it's OK.

If you have a hard time advocating for yourself, perhaps focus on one or two activities to do during each visit and have *quality* time.  You can be thoughtful and attentive for these activities, ask questions, show respect/care, and let yourself off the hook from being 'on' all of the time.  And at the end/beginning of each visit, frame the visit as 'I'm so excited to have you, especially to have a wonderful time doing X and Y together.  I have scheduled obligations, but I care for you and prioritize my time to be able to do X and Y with you.'  And booked it with 'I'm so grateful that you visited and we were able to have a lovely time doing X and Y together - it was fun and meaningful, and a priority to spend this time with you.'

[moneyandmillennials]

it's great to hear that you have a good relationship with your in laws and that they like you.

I do understand your pain, I'm an introvert myself.  I would not like anyone to stay with me for that long of a period.

I agree with the others about going out for your alone time commitments and giving heads up that you can't host during these periods because of xyz.

Although if I were in your shoes, I would probably be OK with it, depending on the frequency.  The main reason is that I know my in laws are old and won't be on the earth much longer and I would want my partner to spend time with them before they leave this earth. And vice verse with my parents.

Of course this would be a different story if we didn't get along.

[Zamboni]

I'm fine with one or two nights, but beyond that I start to get annoyed with visitors in my home. It sounds like this is more common than not.

Probably this is low brow, but in the past I have dealt with this by being a relatively ungracious host. I absolutely will not give up my own bed. I used to have a spare room with a bed, but that is an office now and I make no effort to provide great alternative sleeping surfaces (here is the sofa, do you need a sheet?) I don't cook many meals when I have long-term guests (here is the kitchen, please feel welcome to fend for yourself.) I will meet people for outings but I won't offer my home for their sleeping.

My brother is actually really good at protecting his wife from this. When family want to visit, he suggests the two closest hotels. When we are visiting and staying in one of the hotels, he suggests that he and I take the kids out swimming, playing tennis, whatever, leaving her with some alone time. In the face of regular pressure, he is steadfast about certain things (like our Mom absolutely will NOT EVER be allowed to bring her dogs into his house. She keeps trying but the answer remains "no.") He doesn't care about the dogs issue beyond that fact that he really cares about his wife's wishes, so no dogs. He doesn't even put it on her. Just says: "No, sorry, even when we had our own dogs, they stayed outside all of the time. Dogs will terrorize our cats and we just don't allow dogs inside. Period. If you think it will be too cold (or hot) outside for your dogs, then you need to leave them at home." This is a man who really understands boundaries and is quick to politely point out when a boundary is being unwittingly crossed in his home.

He is my idol.

[Letj]

I am an extrovert and grew up in a large family with neighbors, extended family and friends dropping in.  For me the more the merrier. However, this only works for me if everyone pitches in and helps with chores. This is usually not a problem because my visitors are generally the type of people who would help without being asked. I find with additional hands to help out, especially with the children, life can be so much more fun and the burden of child rearing and chores much more bearable. When my mom and sisters or extended family visit, it is such a joy.

[iris lily]

A few years ago we hosted European cousins of DH. They were two young couples with two small children. We took all of our dogs, but for one, the kennel because they would have been a problem with children running around.

The men did not speak
English, but they were such beautiful young Italian men that haha they were a pleasure to host. The girls spoke English.

Both families took up our two bedrooms with beds. So, I went down the block each night to sleep at my neighbor's house. DH stayed home and slept on a sofa.

Now that I look back at it, that was a big deal. They were here for two nights. But considering the fabulous hosting that our Swiss relatives have done over the years, this was an easy thing to do.

House cleaning is always a bid issue for us and guests. Today DhH dropped the bomb that we may have two Swiss guests tomorrow night.mummm, ok DhH.,Fortunately, he cleaned the carpets last week and so all is well. Our house is clean enough for guests.

[Exhale]

Some random ideas...

If there will be house guests then agree with your husband beforehand that:
1) Housecleaners will come in before and after
2) You can treat yourself to a local B&B stay for a couple of nights
3) You can treat yourself to a girls day out or a spa visit, etc.
3) He takes the guests out for dinner every night (or breakfast every morning) so you have predictable times when you have the house to yourself


Good luck!