Author Topic: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?  (Read 54836 times)

Squirrel away

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #200 on: May 28, 2015, 05:11:46 AM »
I'm very happily married and we are child-free by choice. I will be 40 next year and think not having children was one of the best decisions I've ever made.:)

Big Boots Buddha

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #201 on: May 30, 2015, 02:20:47 AM »
I've been childfree by choice for almost 34 years. I'm not sure if I will stick by this choice. Certainly I've done my share of stupid things when I was younger that could have created a child, but luckily being smart took hold fast.

Children seem great, but everyone I know is divorced - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. So it seems pretty damn stupid or a great jump to get married and have kids.

Even with all that, I'm very much open to the idea if the right situation came along and I'm always looking to see if that can happen.

So who knows?

If I could somehow pay a woman to have a baby with me and give up her rights to the child (no child support to her, I get full custody, she doesn't get to see the child) I would consider it.

sunday

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #202 on: May 30, 2015, 12:26:38 PM »
Children seem great, but everyone I know is divorced - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. So it seems pretty damn stupid or a great jump to get married and have kids.

In some ways, divorced parents who co-parent have it easier. They can trade the kids back and forth and can get some time to themselves. Of course, this only works if the two parties are amicable and willing to cooperate, and also live within close distances of each other.

MrsStubble

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #203 on: May 31, 2015, 09:14:19 PM »
No kids for me. I just want to be the eccentric rich aunt :D

+1 - I am a eccentric aunt to my 3 nieces.  (Rich part to come).


My husband and I both never wanted any kids.   They're still time for us but we've sort of taken the "if it happens, it happens" stance.  It hasn't happened yet, we're not too worried about it. :)

AvisJinx

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #204 on: June 03, 2015, 11:30:58 AM »
In the small office where I work there are two women out on maternity leave and two more who are soon to follow. As a matter of fact one of them is well past her due date and looks like she could make a hospital run at any moment. So for a little over a year and a half much of the office conversation has involved in some way shape or form every detail you could imagine about pregnancy and babies. If I wasn't already so certain that I didn't want children I'm pretty darn sure now.


riverffashion

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #205 on: June 03, 2015, 11:13:30 PM »
In the small office where I work there are two women out on maternity leave and two more who are soon to follow. As a matter of fact one of them is well past her due date and looks like she could make a hospital run at any moment. So for a little over a year and a half much of the office conversation has involved in some way shape or form every detail you could imagine about pregnancy and babies. If I wasn't already so certain that I didn't want children I'm pretty darn sure now.

Hahaha, yup.I was already sure, but 4 babies hav been born in recent years at my small (beauty salon) place of business. They still say "you're next!!!". And I still say " nope".

AlwaysBeenASaver

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #206 on: June 08, 2015, 08:56:22 AM »
We are childfree by choice too, in our mid/late 40's now, together since our early 20's, and have never regretted our decision.

Wilson Hall

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #207 on: June 08, 2015, 06:30:48 PM »
Yep. I'm introverted and a relatively low-energy person to boot. I am in awe of how my friends manage to work full-time and raise a family without collapsing from the exhaustion of being constantly "on" for everyone else.

We've got a great life, just the two of us and the dogs. No regrets.

Korrywow

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #208 on: December 20, 2018, 05:52:00 PM »
I just got into this site and am a bit stunned by the activity. I realize this is an old thread but l am tooo lazy to start a new one, and it looks as though...

"Instead of propagating genes we are generating memes".

But seriously, l chose to be child free in my early 20's (vasectomy) for both the physical freedom and to avoid the financial responsibilities of being a parent.

BEST decision l ever made and l highly recommend childfreedom. If you do the math, it's obvious that you will achieve fire at a younger age. Then, if you want, go ahead and reproduce.

I recommend adopting because the world is overpopulated beyond sustainability.

my partner didn't want to adopt...which was ok with me because l still have the physical freedom to do what l want (geriatric mountaineering in Kyrgyzstan, etc.).

SourdoughEnthusiast

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #209 on: December 20, 2018, 08:23:46 PM »
Im female, married and 41. Iím deliriously happy we are barren, fruitless, selfish unnatural monsters 😀...

Actually I have heard some say that childhood trauma can lead a person to choose a child free life, and that may be true for us, both of us have a mentally ill parent... What are othersí thoughts on this?

Experiencing messed up parents can sometimes make a person say ďIím gonna do a better job when my day comes!Ē But for me itís like *shudder* I never want to be responsible for that kind of trauma in another person.

In fact I look around and I also wonder if some people start families merely because they lack any strong creative passions and having children is the most primitive, default level of creative expression? Also some people want a mini me they can bully or project their fantasies onto. I see so many sad, confused little children. Many people donít think too hard about the emotional nurturing required to be an ok parent. Isnít it much more admirable to recognise that you may not be up to the task than to add more troubled children to the world?

Sorry if this sounds negative... Iíll try to reload my outrageous optimistic gun!

OtherJen

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #210 on: December 20, 2018, 09:22:20 PM »
Im female, married and 41. Iím deliriously happy we are barren, fruitless, selfish unnatural monsters 😀...

Actually I have heard some say that childhood trauma can lead a person to choose a child free life, and that may be true for us, both of us have a mentally ill parent... What are othersí thoughts on this?

Experiencing messed up parents can sometimes make a person say ďIím gonna do a better job when my day comes!Ē But for me itís like *shudder* I never want to be responsible for that kind of trauma in another person.

In fact I look around and I also wonder if some people start families merely because they lack any strong creative passions and having children is the most primitive, default level of creative expression? Also some people want a mini me they can bully or project their fantasies onto. I see so many sad, confused little children. Many people donít think too hard about the emotional nurturing required to be an ok parent. Isnít it much more admirable to recognise that you may not be up to the task than to add more troubled children to the world?

Sorry if this sounds negative... Iíll try to reload my outrageous optimistic gun!

Without sharing too many details, I think you're on to something regarding not wanting children after a messed up childhood. Both husband and I each had one abusive and/or neglectful parent; in my case, said parent loved me but resented me, and I was well aware of it. I've never particularly wanted children in large part because I was afraid I'd end up resenting and emotionally abusing them.

We're in our early 40s. We enjoy our niece and nephew and our friends' kids but are increasingly glad not to have our own kids. I don't know if it's our temperaments, screwed up childhoods, or something else but very little about parenting is appealing to us.

SourdoughEnthusiast

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #211 on: December 20, 2018, 09:51:06 PM »
I really relate to your sentiments, OtherJen, thanks for sharing. Iím sorry that you were resented, thatís not a fun burden for a child to bear.

Growing up I expected one day this overwhelming biological urge would take over my mind, zombie-style,  and I would suddenly change into a different person, someone ready to start a family... Never happened. My only fear is that the zombie thing might happen after itís too late and I will look back with regret.

On further thought I recall different people who recommend having children and they seem to focus a lot on how fulfilling it was for them personally (ďit fills all my holesĒ) but not necessarily on how their children are experiencing their parenting. In some cases I think of, these people have estranged children or complex multi-family/custody/divorce situations and I wonder if they are lacking in some level of awareness of others. This sounds judgy, but I do respect the fact that many parents deeply, unselfishly love their children and do a great job of parenting, I just feel that there is a lot of nuance in the whole ďselfish childless person missing outĒ discussion.

Korrywow

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #212 on: December 20, 2018, 11:40:11 PM »
You guys had only ONE crazy parent!!!?

Well..." besides my dysfunctional family, l went to a dysfunctional high school and then had to earn a living within a dysfunctional society".

It is such a messed up world out there. ...and since we apparently haven't learned much from the 20th C, l would be surprised if homo sapiens makes it through the 21st.

( in case anyone hasn't heard, there is a mass extinction event underway. Coral reefs have been decimated in my lifetime...forget about the crazy politics and nuclear arsenals).

Hey, who got me started on this??? But remember, all health is dependent upon both genetics, and the environments in which we live (family, social, financial, ecological, etc.)

SquirrelStache

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #213 on: December 21, 2018, 08:47:23 AM »
Growing up I expected one day this overwhelming biological urge would take over my mind, zombie-style,  and I would suddenly change into a different person, someone ready to start a family... Never happened.

Same here. I just assumed I'd get married, buy a house and have kids because that's what people do. I did the first two, but not the last.

No childhood trauma here, just inherent selfishness and anxiety/OCD that would not make me a good parent. I have never been good around children (ironic as my mother teaches young kids) and that natural motherly feeling just never came out in me. To top it off, my husband is 13 years older than me, and by the time we met he had already gone past his years of wanting children. He would have made a good dad though.

Do I regret it? I turn 40 next month and for me that's the final deadline on having children, so that's making me think about it more. I do see friends post on Facebook about their kids activities and part of me is sad I didn't get to experience it. But I also didn't get to experience the cost, heartache, frustration etc. that comes with being a parent. Overall there are more pros being childless for me.

I will second the comment about adoption though, especially as the idea of something growing inside me put me off more than anything else. We have plenty of children on this planet that need good homes, so why not help them instead of adding to the overpopulation.

Kris

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #214 on: December 21, 2018, 10:16:50 AM »
Growing up I expected one day this overwhelming biological urge would take over my mind, zombie-style,  and I would suddenly change into a different person, someone ready to start a family... Never happened.

Same here. I just assumed I'd get married, buy a house and have kids because that's what people do. I did the first two, but not the last.

No childhood trauma here, just inherent selfishness and anxiety/OCD that would not make me a good parent. I have never been good around children (ironic as my mother teaches young kids) and that natural motherly feeling just never came out in me. To top it off, my husband is 13 years older than me, and by the time we met he had already gone past his years of wanting children. He would have made a good dad though.

Do I regret it? I turn 40 next month and for me that's the final deadline on having children, so that's making me think about it more. I do see friends post on Facebook about their kids activities and part of me is sad I didn't get to experience it. But I also didn't get to experience the cost, heartache, frustration etc. that comes with being a parent. Overall there are more pros being childless for me.

I will second the comment about adoption though, especially as the idea of something growing inside me put me off more than anything else. We have plenty of children on this planet that need good homes, so why not help them instead of adding to the overpopulation.

If it makes you feel any better, I had the same feelings around that time, for the same reasons. But I really hadn't ever wanted kids, so it was sort of just me being tortured by the idea that a door was closing. As I explained it to my husband at the time: there's a difference between choosing not to have kids, and no longer having the choice.

But ultimately, that's all I was mourning. I'm now almost 52, and no regrets about not having kids at all.

J Boogie

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #215 on: December 21, 2018, 10:24:15 AM »
In fact I look around and I also wonder if some people start families merely because they lack any strong creative passions and having children is the most primitive, default level of creative expression?

I think if you replace creative passion with meaningful way to live for others, then yes.

Happiness doesn't come from putting your unique mark on the world. It can, but only if that unique mark is beneficial to others.

Not everyone will be Dorothy Day or Mohammad Yunus, but many are capable of creating and raising happy healthy children or at least trying. Parenthood is for sure the most primitive default way for us humans to have something to live for beyond ourselves.


SquirrelStache

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #216 on: December 21, 2018, 11:28:58 AM »
If it makes you feel any better, I had the same feelings around that time, for the same reasons. But I really hadn't ever wanted kids, so it was sort of just me being tortured by the idea that a door was closing. As I explained it to my husband at the time: there's a difference between choosing not to have kids, and no longer having the choice.

But ultimately, that's all I was mourning. I'm now almost 52, and no regrets about not having kids at all.

That does make me feel better, thank you :) And you're right, there is a difference between having an option and not choosing it, versus not having the option at all. I guess it's like a safety net just in case you do wake up one day and suddenly want kids, the option is still there. Until it isn't.

pachnik

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #217 on: December 21, 2018, 12:03:08 PM »
Im female, married and 41. Iím deliriously happy we are barren, fruitless, selfish unnatural monsters 😀...

Actually I have heard some say that childhood trauma can lead a person to choose a child free life, and that may be true for us, both of us have a mentally ill parent... What are othersí thoughts on this?

Experiencing messed up parents can sometimes make a person say ďIím gonna do a better job when my day comes!Ē But for me itís like *shudder* I never want to be responsible for that kind of trauma in another person.

Sorry if this sounds negative... Iíll try to reload my outrageous optimistic gun!

I had some childhood trauma - raised in an alcoholic home - dad was the alcoholic.  I really struggled as a child and a young person.  And I never wanted to have kids either.  I'm 54 years old now and don't regret it.   I didn't think I'd be a good parent and didn't want a child to struggle the way I did as a youngster. 

My life got better at the age of 27 when I ended up in Overeaters Anonymous.  This is a 12-step program for people who have food issues - (I was a compulsive overeater from about the age of 11).  Then at 39 after several years of really bad relationships I landed in Co-Dependents Anonymous which is a 12-step program for people who struggle with relationships.  Two years after joining CoDA, I met my husband.  He's wonderful and we've been together for about 12 years. 



Cassie

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #218 on: December 21, 2018, 01:33:51 PM »
My sister never wanted kids and my kids havenít either. I think itís a mistake to have them unless you really want them.  My 2 step sons want to have kids so I may still get to be a grandma.

SourdoughEnthusiast

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #219 on: December 21, 2018, 02:16:29 PM »
In fact I look around and I also wonder if some people start families merely because they lack any strong creative passions and having children is the most primitive, default level of creative expression?

I think if you replace creative passion with meaningful way to live for others, then yes.

Happiness doesn't come from putting your unique mark on the world. It can, but only if that unique mark is beneficial to others.

Not everyone will be Dorothy Day or Mohammad Yunus, but many are capable of creating and raising happy healthy children or at least trying. Parenthood is for sure the most primitive default way for us humans to have something to live for beyond ourselves.



I welcome your thoughts. I agree that first and foremost we need to feel part of or believe in something bigger than ourselves. Having children definitely forces that awareness and engagement with something beyond  ourselves. Hopefully!

But itís interesting that you see creative expression as making some kind of mark or impression on the world. For me creative expression is its own reward. I cook or garden or play music for the sheer love of it, not to impress others. Iím happy if others enjoy this too but that is secondary for me.

Cellista

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #220 on: December 21, 2018, 02:28:50 PM »
There is literally not a week that goes by where I don't at least once think "I'm so glad I don't have kids."

Everything from catching their colds to figuring out the right combo of love and discipline to having to finance them from birth through college.  Not having money for fun trips.  Having to work longer than I'd like.  Blecchh.

Dogs are much easier.

foghorn

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #221 on: December 22, 2018, 06:31:30 AM »
Just stumbled across this thread and it has been fun to read.

I am a 51 year old male (also single, never married) that made the child free decision many years ago.  At about age 40 I decided to get a vasectomy - and I have never regretted that decision.  Fortunately, I never "slipped one past the goalie" before the vasectomy.  At my age now, women I date are also near my age, so their biology has pretty much taken and pregnancy worries out of the equation anyway.

What I have found really interesting over the years is the number of friends/co-workers, etc. that have commented on the how I "did it right" and their occasional envy at my lifestyle.  I often think that people have children because it was something they were supposed to do.  It was the next step on the checklist (college, get married, have kids) and they just seemed to do it because they were supposed to do it.  While some friends are great parents and they clearly wanted to have children in their lives, it seems a bit sad to see people who were just checking off the box. 

SquirrelStache

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #222 on: December 22, 2018, 07:18:05 AM »
Dogs are much easier.

This is true! We have 3 dogs that we call our children. They are getting older now and the vet bills are going up, but it's still a lot less than three children would have cost.

mountain mustache

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #223 on: December 22, 2018, 08:29:39 AM »
Between childhood trauma and a dysfunctional family environment, I've always known I would be childfree by choice. I was another who felt resented by their mother, and was very aware of her jealousy even as a small child. She would always make comments like "I gave up my life to raise you, and I lost myself" etc...it was hard to feel like kids were wanted in her life, because she mostly focused on all the things she had to sacrifice once we came into the world. Once I was a teenager, and older, she seemed competitive with me, and when I would get an opportunity to do something, or have athletic success, it would always be about how "she never got the opportunity, or chance" or whatever...

Anyway, all of that to say I've always known that I would be childless, and a lot of it stems from never wanting to recreate that environment for a child. I'm not saying I would act in that way, but I wouldn't even want to risk the idea of feeling resentful, or like I missed out on something because I had children...I know how painful it was for me to hear/feel those sentiments from my mom, and it's affected me a lot now as an adult.

My other reasoning is really because I lived in a very sheltered, limited (by religion) upbringing, and only since I moved out, graduated college and moved as far away as possible have I felt like I'm becoming my own "real" person. There's so much of life I still want to experience, I'm overwhelmed by the possibilities and can't even imagine putting all of that on hold to create a new life that will be my sole focus for 18 years. I feel sad admitting this, but I was never happy, and never had fun as a kid. I always had this "weight of the world" feeling on my shoulders, even as young as 7 or 8. The first time I ever felt truly happy was learning to mountain bike at 21, and having SO much fun and realizing that I had found something that I was passionate and excited about. I called my mom and told her how much fun I had all weekend with friends, mountain biking and experiencing new things...and she said something like "it's good to have fun, but you're an adult, make sure you're focusing on being responsible." She couldn't (still can't) understand that I spend every weekend riding, camping, climbing mountains, skiing, doing all of these things that bring me immense joy in life. These experiences and passions are so fulfilling, and I feel so much joy that I didn't even realize was possible when I was a kid...it feels a little like making up for lost time growing up.

Anyway...that was a bit of rambling, but all that to say I'm childless by choice, and probably always will be. It's not the right choice for me, but I see so many of my friends becoming wonderful parents to these adorable little ones, and I appreciate that and respect that.

Villanelle

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #224 on: December 26, 2018, 06:27:37 AM »
Im female, married and 41. Iím deliriously happy we are barren, fruitless, selfish unnatural monsters 😀...

Actually I have heard some say that childhood trauma can lead a person to choose a child free life, and that may be true for us, both of us have a mentally ill parent... What are othersí thoughts on this?

Experiencing messed up parents can sometimes make a person say ďIím gonna do a better job when my day comes!Ē But for me itís like *shudder* I never want to be responsible for that kind of trauma in another person.

In fact I look around and I also wonder if some people start families merely because they lack any strong creative passions and having children is the most primitive, default level of creative expression? Also some people want a mini me they can bully or project their fantasies onto. I see so many sad, confused little children. Many people donít think too hard about the emotional nurturing required to be an ok parent. Isnít it much more admirable to recognise that you may not be up to the task than to add more troubled children to the world?

Sorry if this sounds negative... Iíll try to reload my outrageous optimistic gun!

In my case, I think it is in some ways the opposite.  I have an incredible set of parents (and a pretty delightful, though small, extended family).  My family was hyper-functional, if there is such a thing.  And they manage to maintain a healthy, loving relationship in addition to being kick-ass parents.  But when I look at motherhood, I see the intense level of commitment and work and dedication that went it to it, and for me, all of that would eat up all the man joys I get out of life.  I think I might be able to have a semi-satisfied life as a mediocre parent, but it I were to do parenting the way I think it should be done, I'd be miserable because it is such an all-consuming thing.  Maybe "all consuming" isn't quite right because, as I said, my parents had hobbies and a relationship and a social life that didn't revolve around us.  But there's no room for "today blows and I just want to sit quietly for a while".   Or "I slept like shit so I am going to sleep in and not get up until noon".  Or "Ohhhh!  Cheap plane tickets to Vienna in two weeks!"  Or "I don't want to spend every Sunday on the soccer/football/baseball field". 

Cassie

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #225 on: December 26, 2018, 10:48:21 AM »
Yes raising kids is a lot of work. When my 3 kids decided that they didnít want kids I said you should only do it if you are prepared for a very long commitment that involves your life revolving around the kids needs.   I can certainly understand why some people donít want to have kids.

sui generis

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #226 on: January 03, 2019, 01:17:21 PM »
I love being childfree and the hardest thing for me is even engaging with my nieces/nephews and friends' kids because I find it so uncomfortable and boring.  I'm grateful that my close relatives and friends with kids don't live near me so I don't have to fake it often. This probably preserves my relationship with those friends and relatives better!

I've never been able to relate to kids, even when I was one myself.  I didn't even like myself when I was a kid and couldn't wait to be an adult.  I felt so trapped as a kid.  There are a million reasons I'm glad to be childfree, from self-actualization to financial, to selfish reasons, but I don't even really get to those considerations given I have the equivalent to an allergic reaction to children.

I've been fostering kittens recently and burping them or helping them learn to use a litter box is so fun, and I love seeing them learn something new.  And at those times, I'm like, "Hey, this is how most people feel about their kids!  They are fascinated by them, like I'm fascinated by these kittens and it makes cleaning up the poop worth it!"  But, as much as I can make that connection logically, I just don't feel it.  I see my nephew learn something new and I'm like, "Yeah, basic human stuff here.  Nice job, good for you."  Ok, maybe not that mean, but I'm just not impressed or excited by it at all.  It really is some weird gene I'm lacking, but so grateful to be lacking it.

Kris

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #227 on: January 03, 2019, 02:56:05 PM »
I love being childfree and the hardest thing for me is even engaging with my nieces/nephews and friends' kids because I find it so uncomfortable and boring.  I'm grateful that my close relatives and friends with kids don't live near me so I don't have to fake it often. This probably preserves my relationship with those friends and relatives better!

I've never been able to relate to kids, even when I was one myself.  I didn't even like myself when I was a kid and couldn't wait to be an adult.  I felt so trapped as a kid.  There are a million reasons I'm glad to be childfree, from self-actualization to financial, to selfish reasons, but I don't even really get to those considerations given I have the equivalent to an allergic reaction to children.

I've been fostering kittens recently and burping them or helping them learn to use a litter box is so fun, and I love seeing them learn something new.  And at those times, I'm like, "Hey, this is how most people feel about their kids!  They are fascinated by them, like I'm fascinated by these kittens and it makes cleaning up the poop worth it!"  But, as much as I can make that connection logically, I just don't feel it.  I see my nephew learn something new and I'm like, "Yeah, basic human stuff here.  Nice job, good for you."  Ok, maybe not that mean, but I'm just not impressed or excited by it at all.  It really is some weird gene I'm lacking, but so grateful to be lacking it.

LOL -- I'm not too far off from you on this. I don't loathe children, but for the most part I don't enjoy being around them. Sometimes, I'll see a baby or a kid with his/her mother in front of me in a line at the store, and they'll do or say something cute, and I'll have an "aww!!!" reaction. But that's about it. It doesn't make me want one. It doesn't make me want to spend time with that kid, or any other kid.

But yeah, my feeling about kittens? Kind of the same as you.

I used to think of it as something I was "lacking." But honestly, I just think everyone's different. I refuse to feel less than or like I'm missing something, and that that makes me "abnormal" in some way. Honestly, if anything, what seems kind of abnormal is the lengths to which some people will go to to have children and mold their entire lives around them. But hey, that's just me.

OtherJen

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #228 on: January 03, 2019, 03:12:43 PM »
I love being childfree and the hardest thing for me is even engaging with my nieces/nephews and friends' kids because I find it so uncomfortable and boring.  I'm grateful that my close relatives and friends with kids don't live near me so I don't have to fake it often. This probably preserves my relationship with those friends and relatives better!

I've never been able to relate to kids, even when I was one myself.  I didn't even like myself when I was a kid and couldn't wait to be an adult.  I felt so trapped as a kid.  There are a million reasons I'm glad to be childfree, from self-actualization to financial, to selfish reasons, but I don't even really get to those considerations given I have the equivalent to an allergic reaction to children.

I've been fostering kittens recently and burping them or helping them learn to use a litter box is so fun, and I love seeing them learn something new.  And at those times, I'm like, "Hey, this is how most people feel about their kids!  They are fascinated by them, like I'm fascinated by these kittens and it makes cleaning up the poop worth it!"  But, as much as I can make that connection logically, I just don't feel it.  I see my nephew learn something new and I'm like, "Yeah, basic human stuff here.  Nice job, good for you."  Ok, maybe not that mean, but I'm just not impressed or excited by it at all.  It really is some weird gene I'm lacking, but so grateful to be lacking it.

LOL -- I'm not too far off from you on this. I don't loathe children, but for the most part I don't enjoy being around them. Sometimes, I'll see a baby or a kid with his/her mother in front of me in a line at the store, and they'll do or say something cute, and I'll have an "aww!!!" reaction. But that's about it. It doesn't make me want one. It doesn't make me want to spend time with that kid, or any other kid.

But yeah, my feeling about kittens? Kind of the same as you.

I used to think of it as something I was "lacking." But honestly, I just think everyone's different. I refuse to feel less than or like I'm missing something, and that that makes me "abnormal" in some way. Honestly, if anything, what seems kind of abnormal is the lengths to which some people will go to to have children and mold their entire lives around them. But hey, that's just me.

I do like many kids, but for limited periods of time and under controlled circumstances. I'm never the person who volunteers to babysit so that parents can get a night out. All my maternal instincts seem to have been directed toward animals.

Glenstache

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #229 on: January 03, 2019, 03:56:28 PM »
I've been CBC for my entire adult life and am now in my early 40s. My reasons for this are many and varied, and echo many of the preceding posts. That said, after some very tumultuous transitions in my life over the last few years (end of 10 year relationship, death of parent, destruction of most of the neighborhood I grew up in, a few other things), and entering a relationship with someone who was a fence sitter, I questioned a lot of things in my life including why I was CBC. Was it just because of a dysfunctional childhood? Was it entirely logical? Was I willing to give other things up to remain CBC? This was food for a lot of thought, and going through that decision, introspection, and consideration has been really useful. It has not changed my decision to be CBC. It has taken away a lot of the baggage that I have felt about it over the years as others I know have had kids and even made herculean efforts to have kids. I think that the decision to have kids is a huge responsibility, because it is the single biggest influence on that future-person's life both through the genetic lottery and for the environment they will grow up in.

I've had a few friends and acquaintances say on the side that they wish that they either wish they didn't have kids or not so many.  I also have friends for whom being a parent is a wonderful and fulfilling part of their life. At the end of the day, I think that it falls on a spectrum, and that position on CBC can shift over time, as can the reasons and relation to being CBC shift over time. Reading the experiences in this thread has been useful for me (I've been following this thread since 2015), and quite a bit of it has resonated strongly for me.

NewPerspective

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #230 on: January 03, 2019, 04:50:29 PM »
I love being childfree and the hardest thing for me is even engaging with my nieces/nephews and friends' kids because I find it so uncomfortable and boring.  I'm grateful that my close relatives and friends with kids don't live near me so I don't have to fake it often. This probably preserves my relationship with those friends and relatives better!

I've never been able to relate to kids, even when I was one myself.  I didn't even like myself when I was a kid and couldn't wait to be an adult.  I felt so trapped as a kid.  There are a million reasons I'm glad to be childfree, from self-actualization to financial, to selfish reasons, but I don't even really get to those considerations given I have the equivalent to an allergic reaction to children.

I've been fostering kittens recently and burping them or helping them learn to use a litter box is so fun, and I love seeing them learn something new.  And at those times, I'm like, "Hey, this is how most people feel about their kids!  They are fascinated by them, like I'm fascinated by these kittens and it makes cleaning up the poop worth it!"  But, as much as I can make that connection logically, I just don't feel it.  I see my nephew learn something new and I'm like, "Yeah, basic human stuff here.  Nice job, good for you."  Ok, maybe not that mean, but I'm just not impressed or excited by it at all.  It really is some weird gene I'm lacking, but so grateful to be lacking it.

LOL -- I'm not too far off from you on this. I don't loathe children, but for the most part I don't enjoy being around them. Sometimes, I'll see a baby or a kid with his/her mother in front of me in a line at the store, and they'll do or say something cute, and I'll have an "aww!!!" reaction. But that's about it. It doesn't make me want one. It doesn't make me want to spend time with that kid, or any other kid.

But yeah, my feeling about kittens? Kind of the same as you.

I used to think of it as something I was "lacking." But honestly, I just think everyone's different. I refuse to feel less than or like I'm missing something, and that that makes me "abnormal" in some way. Honestly, if anything, what seems kind of abnormal is the lengths to which some people will go to to have children and mold their entire lives around them. But hey, that's just me.

I echo all of this! (I find my dogs and cats way cuter than babies).  I did go through several years in my mid-late 30s where I was questioning myself a lot.  I finally realized I was just coming to terms with the fact that by choosing not to have kids I was A) giving up on the one thing that most women feel is the most important thing in their life and B) I would be missing out on all the "hallmark moments".  You know the ones, the pictures of the kids around the Christmas tree, the first day of school or whatever.  Once I realized that and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable (sad even) I've felt at peace with my decision.  As with all choices in life, there is always a path not taken and things you miss out on.

For what its worth, I think I would be a really good mother but it would totally consume me. 

BeautifulDay

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Re: Any other Childfree by choice people like me?
« Reply #231 on: January 03, 2019, 10:34:56 PM »
Married 17 yrs and no kids by choice.

Gotten some ďyouíre selfishĒ comments until we went  to work at a non-profit serving at risk youth. That pretty much stopped the comments. Raised in religious families where go forth and multiply was taken very seriously. MIL said only having 2 kids was selfish, imagine me not wanting any?! The shame of it.

Kids love my DH and tolerate me. We work with them every day and are happy to walk away at the end if f the day.

Considered kids briefly but it never seemed right. No regrets. We like our life.