Any marriage counselors here?

[ichangedmyname]

I watched the movie Revolutionary Road last night and wondered if the failure of a marriage is that apparent. On the surface they seemed happy but there were cracks underneath and then it just basically ruined their marriage.

I am kind of still a newly-wed, almost 5 years (compared to my parents being married over 30 years, seems new to me) and I feel like our relationship is so good when it's just the two of us. Some things happened early on in the marriage and now my family and him are at odds, probably nothing that cannot be fixed if both parties were more understanding and flexible but no one wants to budge. And I grew up extremely close to my family, we're very clannish as they would say and this rift I feel won't go away.

I just know that we can't live in our bubble forever especially since we both want to retire in the same place my entire family lives in. I don't think our marriage is over but something's got to give soon. I love my husband and I don't think I'll ever find someone else to be with. I don't want to.

[Frankies Girl]

Not a marriage counselor, but I have been in counseling due to inlaw issues.

First and foremost: You are supposed to stand by your spouse. If your family is interfering, then it's YOUR job to tell them to back off and treat your spouse (and your marriage) with respect. If you agree with your family regarding whatever the issue is, then you and your spouse need to work that out between yourselves. Your family should not be in your marriage at all.

So you should seek out counseling if you feel like you and he aren't able to communicate and compromise effectively.

[MilStachian]

Not a marriage counselor, but I have been in counseling due to inlaw issues.

First and foremost: You are supposed to stand by your spouse. If your family is interfering, then it's YOUR job to tell them to back off and treat your spouse (and your marriage) with respect. If you agree with your family regarding whatever the issue is, then you and your spouse need to work that out between yourselves. Your family should not be in your marriage at all.

So you should seek out counseling if you feel like you and he aren't able to communicate and compromise effectively.

This is excellent advice.  Once you two are married, your parents and siblings come second to him.  Very shortly into my marriage I had a discussion with my parents letting them know that my wife is the most important person in my life now, and there are certain discussions and topics that are none of their damn business.  They were a bit startled at first, but they knew my heart was in the right place and it helped establish clear boundaries.

In fact, if you need a primer on healthy relationships and boundaries with parents and in-laws, I recommend Henry Cloud's book Boundaries.  He uses many Christian stories to make his point, but if that doesn't bother you it's a great read.

[marty998]

I second the advice from Frankies Girl. You and your spouse are The Family now.

I don't have a deep and meaningful book to recommend, but remember Ben Stiller and Robert DeNiro in Meet the Parents?

Time you created a new Circle of Trust.

[Adventine]

Oh, Revolutionary Road. Saw that movie alone some years back, cried all night and didn't sleep a wink. Then I broke up with my long-term boyfriend 6 months later.

Guys, just to give more context (and I hope hotforbacon doesn't mind me injecting like this) but we come from a very clannish Asian culture in which one of the main assumptions is, when you marry somebody, you "marry" their entire family as well. There is a lot of pressure to get along with the in-laws and (if necessary) to support them financially.

Can I ask why your spouse and family (parents? Siblings? All of the above?) don't get along? Does the conflict have anything to do with the fact that your spouse is American and that you are both planning to retire early in your home country?

[ender]

Interesting hypothetical to consider:

If you and your spouse are doing fine and go to a marriage counselor, what's the worst that happens?

You go and get told "why are you here?" and then laugh about it? Pretty much any alternative is a positive.

[expatartist]

@hotforbacon I'm not a marriage counselor, but, like you, I have married someone from a different culture, which brings its own challenges. Sometimes these manifest between the couple, but they can also cause friction within the extended family as well. DH and I have been together for ten years and married for eight. Our entire time together we've lived in Asia/Australia, so haven't had to deal with extended family issues yet. But that will change next year when we move to his home country, and I'm expecting there will be some adjustment issues for us, and for his family. I'm kind of scared :P So, I feel for you!

Some sources of friction my friends have had who were in US husband-Filipina wife relationships:
* Baggage from US-Philippine political history, including perceptions of US males
* Intense family bonds in Philippine culture, expectations of which are not shared (or understood, or empathized with) by many from the US, for whom 'breaking away from the family' is an important part of becoming an adult
* In general, a tendency for men in inter-cultural relationships to expect women to adapt culturally/linguistically etc to the man's worldview/culture, particularly if the couple met in his home country

Anyway I could go on and probably evoke even more stereotypes! Suffice it to say, a counselor who has an understanding of your background will be key.

[oldtoyota]

The OP doesn't mention the cultural differences, yet it sounds like some of you are already aware of them. Based on that--and, yeah, that isn't a lot to go on--handling the cultural issues is probably the key to solving your problem.

If I had not known about the cross-cultural marriage, I would have come in with my American view and given bad advice.

Maybe you could provide some more details?

Was the rift early on something that you, the OP, complained to your family about? I've seen instances when a couple fought, one spouse complained the family, and then family never forgave the other spouse even though the couple had worked it out. With that in mind, I never go to my family with any problems I'm having with my spouse. I know they'll take my side, and they may not "get over" not liking him for doing whatever it was I did not like.

[ichangedmyname]

The conflict is a pride thing. My husband offered to pay for my parents' rent. That worked for a little bit. Once I got a job I insisted we split it, it was like $140 thereabouts depending on the currency exchange. The place they moved to was really cramped so I told my mama they can move to another place if they like as long as it gives them more space and not that much money. They did move to a 3br 2 bath and the rent was $20 more. At this point, I was earning more money so I told my husband I could pay for the rent all by myself.

My brother, who is single, lives with my parents (kids don't tend to move out until they're married and have kids or sometimes they just stay forever; if I didn't get married I'd be living with my parents still) and my husband told him to pay rent. Feelings got hurt, no one wants to see reason. That is just one conflict that I'm willing to share in a public forum LOL My husband is at odds with everyone in my family including my grandma, my uncles, my cousins, etc. Everyone.

So we're talking about retirement and we both want to retire in the Philippines (COL is low--his reason--- close to my family---my reason). And I said well that would be kind of awkward because I can't have my family visit me. I can't invite them to parties or even have them come over to chat. Because I won't ask my husband to leave OUR house just so I can accommodate them or have him be limited to a certain part of the house while "evil clan" visits. That got me into thinking why bother retiring then there? Maybe pick a different country.

And I know I should pick a side. I thought I did that when I married my husband in the court house instead of the Cathedral my family hoped for their only daughter. But the way my husband wants me to PICK HIM and STAND BY HIM is to completely forget the fact that I love my parents and want them in my life.

It makes me sad the things I cannot do with my husband and my family together but when we took separate vacations last time we went there, it was good. I actually preferred it because there was no tension, I didn't feel like I was being tugged at.

I told my family if they didn't have anything nice to say about my husband, can it. And they have. as long as they know I'm happy with him, they're fine.
But my husband kind of gets on my nerves because he's the type who can talk and talk himself into anger and frustration.

This is what makes me have doubt. I don't doubt my love for him and my trust in him but I doubt us being married a long time. And the way I see it if I have doubt like that I might as well go back home now and not get US citizenship because that would be one the things he will hate me for forever-- that I used him to get citizenship when to be honest, I could give a damn citizenship. I know I can live without him but I don't want to.

sorry this was too long and too "ranty". I have no one to talk to. Maybe I should just get a therapist or a friend LOL

[CommonCents]

Well, as an American trying to see your culture side...I still can't see why your brother can't chip in and pay for some rent.  So I'm rather on your husband's side.  (My trying to see the cultural other side gets me only to understanding why you'd pay for your parents.)

That said, it seems otherwise you've stuck by your husband and stuck up for him.  Maybe you need to go to counseling with your family (rather than your husband), to get you both on better terms with them?

What's your husband's relationship with his parents?  That's usually pretty telling.

Do you have kids?  A grandkid often helps both sides "forget."  (Not advocating have a kid as a solution.  Just asking the question.)

[ichangedmyname]

His mother lives with us.

My brother pays for the internet bill and half the electric bill.

And I "jokingly" said I should just get pregnant LOL But my husband and I can't even decide on how to raise the kid. I want it baptized he doesn't. I was raised Catholic, he's an atheist. It's a mess. Everything and everyone outside of the two of us is a mess. Can't even agree on money. Ugh.

[CommonCents]

His mother lives with us.

My brother pays for the internet bill and half the electric bill.

And I "jokingly" said I should just get pregnant LOL But my husband and I can't even decide on how to raise the kid. I want it baptized he doesn't. I was raised Catholic, he's an atheist. It's a mess. Everything and everyone outside of the two of us is a mess. Can't even agree on money. Ugh.

As an adult, I paid for my share of the internet, electric, cable - and rent bill.

Yes, that is a problem and one that is better to talk pre-marriage, but still better than nothing to resolve before you get pregnant.  You've got some big big issues to work out, all of the big ones that people flag for issues in divorce: family, money, culture, religion.  Not to scare you, but I think those are 4 out of the top 5 issues.

[GuitarStv]

And I know I should pick a side. I thought I did that when I married my husband in the court house instead of the Cathedral my family hoped for their only daughter. But the way my husband wants me to PICK HIM and STAND BY HIM is to completely forget the fact that I love my parents and want them in my life.

This jumped out at me because you mentioned you were a Catholic.  The bible pretty clearly states that your marriage takes precedence over family.

Matthew 19:4-6 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

If you view marriage as a covenant with God, you are obligated to stand by your husband regardless of what your family thinks.  Your primary obligation is to your marriage, your secondary obligation is to honour your mother and father.


Granted, this is coming from an agnostic who just happens to study the bible (and went to a pre-marital Catholic course before marrying a lapsed Catholic Filipino girl) .  .  . I think I've got an idea where you're coming from with your concerns.  If family tends to be a bit overbearing and attempting to cause a rift between you and your husband, maybe try talking to a priest with your parents.  He'll back you up on the biblical stuff mentioned above, and that will make a big difference to religious parents when negotiating to smooth everything over between your parents and husband.  Unless of course, your family doesn't think your marriage is real (due to the courthouse thing) in which case it gets more complicated.

[Numbers Man]

@hotforbacon - I'll preface this by saying I'm not a marriage counselor. But I have been married to a Filipina for 30 years (we meet in the states). First of all, your husband is a pretty generous guy for paying your parent's rent. I never paid those type of expenses, but it seems that my in-laws were probably living much better since they had coconut & fishing income.

You need to explain to your husband what the average daily wage is in your part of the Philippines  for the education level that your Brother has attained. I'm guessing that he doesn't have a steady joband can't afford to pay half of the rent because of the massive unemployment in the Philippines. So there's a pride factor from your Brother because he feels like this American is telling him what to do. While your Husband doesn't understand the economic realities in the Philippines. Plus your Husband is innocently trying to force his american standards onto someone else without understanding your Brother's point of view.

The better alternative if you could have a do over on this subject matter was to only offer to pay half the rent and everything would have worked it's way out. So the bottom line is that once you counsel your Husband on what is real, he should make nice with everyone and forgot about 1/2 the rent and chalk it up to experience. Ask him to do this as a favor to you since it's not worth the stomach acid. And perhaps you should take over paying the whole rent (since you say you pay half of the rent).

And make sure you pursue becoming an American Citizen.

[Adventine]

The conflict is a pride thing. My husband offered to pay for my parents' rent. That worked for a little bit. Once I got a job I insisted we split it, it was like $140 thereabouts depending on the currency exchange. The place they moved to was really cramped so I told my mama they can move to another place if they like as long as it gives them more space and not that much money. They did move to a 3br 2 bath and the rent was $20 more. At this point, I was earning more money so I told my husband I could pay for the rent all by myself.

My brother, who is single, lives with my parents (kids don't tend to move out until they're married and have kids or sometimes they just stay forever; if I didn't get married I'd be living with my parents still) and my husband told him to pay rent. Feelings got hurt, no one wants to see reason. That is just one conflict that I'm willing to share in a public forum LOL My husband is at odds with everyone in my family including my grandma, my uncles, my cousins, etc. Everyone.

So we're talking about retirement and we both want to retire in the Philippines (COL is low--his reason--- close to my family---my reason). And I said well that would be kind of awkward because I can't have my family visit me. I can't invite them to parties or even have them come over to chat. Because I won't ask my husband to leave OUR house just so I can accommodate them or have him be limited to a certain part of the house while "evil clan" visits. That got me into thinking why bother retiring then there? Maybe pick a different country.

And I know I should pick a side. I thought I did that when I married my husband in the court house instead of the Cathedral my family hoped for their only daughter. But the way my husband wants me to PICK HIM and STAND BY HIM is to completely forget the fact that I love my parents and want them in my life.

It makes me sad the things I cannot do with my husband and my family together but when we took separate vacations last time we went there, it was good. I actually preferred it because there was no tension, I didn't feel like I was being tugged at.

I told my family if they didn't have anything nice to say about my husband, can it. And they have. as long as they know I'm happy with him, they're fine.
But my husband kind of gets on my nerves because he's the type who can talk and talk himself into anger and frustration.

This is what makes me have doubt. I don't doubt my love for him and my trust in him but I doubt us being married a long time. And the way I see it if I have doubt like that I might as well go back home now and not get US citizenship because that would be one the things he will hate me for forever-- that I used him to get citizenship when to be honest, I could give a damn citizenship. I know I can live without him but I don't want to.

sorry this was too long and too "ranty". I have no one to talk to. Maybe I should just get a therapist or a friend LOL

Girl... andami niyong issue. D:

Seriously, you need to see a marriage counselor ASAP. Preferably one who is familiar with cross-cultural marriages. A Filipino immigrant turned marriage counselor shouldn't be that hard to find.

You will never be happy in the long term if you're always in an emotional tug of war between your blood relations and your husband.

You've mentioned that the rent issue is only one of many conflicts that they've had. These things are not going to go away when you achieve FIRE. In fact, they are going to get worse if you retire in the Philippines because you will be seen as the rich expat couple who has "made it" and can now be expected to "share the wealth." An ugly truth, but that's what's going to happen if you retire early without resolving these family issues.

The good thing about a strong cultural sense of family is that your family will be more receptive to fixing your relationship.

Hell, if your mom and dad are anything like typical Filipino parents they're probably waiting for you to pick up the phone right now and say "I'm sorry, I miss you, can we fix this?" But their pride won't let them make the first move. You (and your husband) are going to have to make those first attempts at reconciliation. Which of course can only happen after you straighten things out between the two of you.

Good luck. I really wish you all the best.

[limeandpepper]

I think Numbers Man and Adventine said it really well. Hope you can smooth things out hotforbacon!

[brand new stash]

You mention that you are Catholic.  You might want to talk with your priest about this.  They often know of marriage sessions or marriage counseling that is low or no cost, and have a lot of experience with working with couples on their marriage.  I have a relative who is a priest and I know that this is his specialty...he does marriage counseling fulltime. 

You might be hesitant about this because he is an atheist, but priests will have a lot of experience with that too. My husband and I did a bunch of church marriage prep and I'm Catholic and he is an atheist, and I think my husband got along better with the priest than I did.

[ichangedmyname]

Sorry I haven't replied here in awhile. It was getting hard to face to the music hehe.

I am a non-practicing Catholic. I don't go to church anymore but I still pray, cross myself and believe in God, Jesus Christ and Mama Mary. Personal choice.

I am still close to my family. I facebook message my parents and brothers almost every day depending on whether I'm tired from work or busy watching TV.

We are in a weird place in our marriage and I really think I should at least see a therapist. My husband is a great guy, he is very smart and he really cares for me and loves me. I just feel like we're both going down different paths. I discovered MMM but even before that I have been saving money, putting in 401k, just learning about finances. When I first got here (US) I knew nothing. Everything I knew about money and how it works here (because it is different from the Philippines) came from my husband who told me saving money is useless, 401k equals ENRON and banks will steal my money.

Right now I am SO motivated by money, not in a bad way but in a way that makes me feel empowered and willing to succeed. I don't want to live paycheck-to-paycheck, I don't wanna have credit card debt, I don't want to be 60 years old and not have anything to show for it. My work life is going pretty well, I haven't been working there a year and I am already being groomed for a leadership position. People at work know I work hard and they enjoy working with me.

My husband's professional life is not the same however. For years he has been earning money off a software he developed and sold online. It was enough to pay bills, buy groceries and even fund 3 trips back to the Philippines for month-long vacations. But in early September that changed. It's still selling but not as much (let's say going from $200/day to $60/day). So what's the first thing he does? Book a trip to the Philippines for a vacation, a last hurrah according to him. I didn't feel this is right at all but I didn't stop him. Why? Because it's his money.

Yes, we have separate money. He does what he wants with his and I do what I want with mine-- which used to be makeup and whatever sparkly thing I could find. Now, I'm making more money. It's not my fault, I would like to earn even more. I plan to make lots of money. But my husband is not used to me making more money. He feels dehumanized. I understand. I felt utterly useless when I was unemployed too.

I am giving him his space and time. I don't wanna nag him into applying for jobs or working on his resume because I don't wanna be THAT wife. But tonight, he was going on and on about commenting on this stupid Facebook group and that people are ganging up on him and I just couldn't take it anymore. I told him there are better things he could waste time on, like looking for a job. And now I am the bad wife. Because I said one thing. He could nag me all day long about doing this or that but I can't tell him anything without being "dramatic" or "emotional" or nagging. I'm getting tired of it.

Sorry this is too long and it reads like a 13-year-old's diary. I just feel like I am alone in wanting a better life for us, is all.

If you read this far, thanks. if you feel like TL/DR that's alright. Just needed to get this off my chest. I need to find a therapist so I don't bore y'all.

Happy December! :D

[expatartist]

Hey I just want to throw in 2cents.

Having lived through a few different economies and relationship-earning ups-and-downs (he sometimes earns a lot more, or sometimes we're about the same, or sometimes one of us has been underemployed for a time), I can sympathize with you. Money is so tied in to emotions, and sometimes men can feel like we're questioning their, er, manliness when we bring up money or their earning power (or lack of current earnings). They can feel we're trying to control them when we're just trying to get on the same page about where things are financially, esp. if you keep accounts separate as we do.

I am now really careful about how I approach my guy with any money talk (and, kudos, it sounds like you are, too). In his culture money is a somewhat crass and distasteful subject. Also, he feels any budgeting is a control thing from my end. So, I try more to focus on the concrete dreams we have when I bring up $, and how our spending habits will get us - or delay us from getting - there.

Best of luck to you guys, it's not easy, no matter how you do it!

[totoro]

I don't have any really good advice except that things have a way of working out for the better.  Keep taking steps in a direction you feel is best.  If possible though you might want to wait for kids until you are in a more positive place.  Feeling iffy about a relationship and having children is not usually a good idea.

[StetsTerhune]

I dont want this to sound negative at all (I know, not a great way to start a comment), but having read this thread, I have a pretty negative view of your husband. Since every thing I know about your husband comes from what you wrote, I worry that may be an indication that you have a pretty negative view of your husband. I hope you two get to see a marriage counselor soon, but from the sound of that last post I would advise you to also seek out a therapist of your own (or a friend who you trust to be objective) to help you work through your feelings and what you want from life moving forward.

I certainly understand his feeling bad about himself with his work situation, and I've certainly had periods like that when I'm sure I was a terrible husband. I hope that some of these issues are temporary and a reflection of his mental state right now. But if you don't think they are... I think you have some really tough decisions coming up.

[limeandpepper]

My husband's professional life is not the same however. For years he has been earning money off a software he developed and sold online. It was enough to pay bills, buy groceries and even fund 3 trips back to the Philippines for month-long vacations. But in early September that changed. It's still selling but not as much (let's say going from $200/day to $60/day). So what's the first thing he does? Book a trip to the Philippines for a vacation, a last hurrah according to him. I didn't feel this is right at all but I didn't stop him. Why? Because it's his money.

I am giving him his space and time. I don't wanna nag him into applying for jobs or working on his resume because I don't wanna be THAT wife. But tonight, he was going on and on about commenting on this stupid Facebook group and that people are ganging up on him and I just couldn't take it anymore. I told him there are better things he could waste time on, like looking for a job. And now I am the bad wife. Because I said one thing. He could nag me all day long about doing this or that but I can't tell him anything without being "dramatic" or "emotional" or nagging. I'm getting tired of it.

Hey, I just thought I'd respond to this as I was in a similar situation not that long ago. My boyfriend is a freelancer, he barely worked last year and had to dip into his savings for his living expenses. To be fair he did still work on some of his own projects and hobbies, so he wasn't being completely lazy. Still, it was a rough time for us. Even though we don't combine finances, it made me unhappy that his savings were dwindling. We have the joint goal of doing a travel sabbatical together, so the idea was that both of us save for this, and it felt like he was undermining our plans. Things have turned this year for the better, thankfully.

Can I ask if your husband has been living off his software sales all this time (for the past few years up to now)? You say the sales have gone down, but is it still enough to pay for his living expenses? Does he do any other work? Perhaps he could develop another software? If the situation has only changed since September, it's not been so long. Obviously you'd prefer to deal with it as soon as possible, but maybe he needs more time to get back into the game. In my case, nagging didn't really achieve much, in the end my boyfriend just started doing more work again when he finally felt like it... but yeah, it took a lonnnnnnnng time. If I saw anything potential work that was up his alley, I send him a link or give him the information and contact details. I'd try to encourage him to do something about it without nagging too much, and also talk about how it would help us with our goals. He's building up his savings back up again this year, so that's good. I hope things improve for you guys too.

[limeandpepper]

An addendum to my post above:

If your husband is still living within his means, and continues to do so, it may not be such a huge problem. One thing that made me feel better about my situation, was that my boyfriend always assured me that he would always be self-sufficient. He would not allow his savings to go down to zero, and he would not go into debt, nor ask anyone for money. If there was imminent danger of any of those scenarios happening, he'd start urgently finding work again. If your husband is like that, then maybe you can give him the time and space he needs to find his groove. However, if his attitude and spending habits are not so reliable, or if he's going to drag your finances down with his, then it's a way more difficult situation.

[ichangedmyname]

I do have a negative view of him and I hate to admit that. He's not a bad person perse. He's not a serial killer, he doesn't cheat, he doesn't physically abuse me, etc. But sometimes I feel he is selfish. He doesn't say sorry even if he's said something that hurt my feelings because what he said was true. I, on the hand, feel like I'm apologizing all the time and walking on eggshells trying not to hurt his feelings. We were at Walgreens the other day and he told me I have emasculated him. Ohkay. And I said I'm sorry. He shrugged and walked away.

He's been snoring. It keeps me up A LOT. When it first started I read up on how to stop it. The first two things were lose weight and stop smoking. He'll never do those for me. I've gone to work with no sleep whatsoever many times than I dare count. When I bring this up I hear "you snore too but I just sleep through it". So I went to a doctor to get ambien. Doctor said my husband should get a sleep study done. Husband told me I should pay for it since it's my problem I can't sleep through his snoring.

It's things like this that make me wonder is this going to be my forever?

[ichangedmyname]

You know what? He's a great guy who makes me laugh, doesn't beat me or cheat me. I should just be happy and count my blessings.

[expatartist]

Because none of us know either of you, we can't give you really useful advice. We can only share our experiences.

A marriage counselor told me once: "everyone remembers things differently". The treachery of memory and perception is their subjectivity. The way we perceive a situation may be quite different from the way our partner does. Whose view is right? Is there such thing as objectivity in a partnership? Particularly when the partners' backgrounds are different.

I too often feel I'm walking on eggshells around my better half, when it comes to certain things. But after years of occasional conflicts - often exacerbated by the stress of moving countries, jobs, our different backgrounds, uprooting - I'm also aware that asking someone to change ANYthing about themselves can be perceived as a slight against them.

Re. the snoring, when mine or DH's nighttime habits (snoring, hogging the duvet) have bugged me, I sleep in the living room. That way, everyone gets their sleep, he gets a bit lonely, and eventually we figure out a solution. For us, two duvets have been a great way to go ;)

Small conflicts are indicators of bigger things going on. I would see a counselor - if he won't go, and many men won't, at least for you. Someone who can understand your different backgrounds. I can't stress enough how different worldviews we're not even aware of create conflict between partners. And often, it's the woman who's expected to bend, or be called a harridan (or, you know, worse).

[lifejoy]

Re: snoring

I wear earplugs. Not everyone can sleep like this, but after years of living in a noisy dorm - it works for me! :)

[StetsTerhune]

My motto in life is that it's never worth it to be miserable. But, of course, there's two paths to that end: you can either choose to be happy with the way things are, or you can choose to change things. 

As expat said, none of us know you or your husband. Certainly can't give you any real marital advice that's meaningful.

Probably the thing I like most about this forum is that people tend to respond to questions with good, practical advice without much coddling or nonsense. That said, bacon, your last 2 posts were pretty depressing to me, and I can't help but respond with some coddling and nonsense, so here goes:
Please don't sell yourself short. If you're just angry and annoyed with your husband and venting, that's fine, I get that. Probably every single one of us could tell stories about our spouse like your snoring story. We're all jerks sometimes and we all hate our spouses sometimes.  So if this is just you guys hitting a bad spot together and you needing to type to us to vent, no worries. But. If that's really how you genuinely feel about your husband in general. and you genuinely feel like you all you can hope for in life is to be grateful to be with someone who doesn't beat you or cheat on you, then you're selling yourself short. There's more to life that putting up with shit like that because you don't feel like you could ever expect a situation where you don't have to.

As I said, I'm just some idiot on the internet who doesn't know anything about you or your situation. Just my two cents. Really truly wish things get better for you.

[swick]

Please don't sell yourself short. If you're just angry and annoyed with your husband and venting, that's fine, I get that. Probably every single one of us could tell stories about our spouse like your snoring story. We're all jerks sometimes and we all hate our spouses sometimes.  So if this is just you guys hitting a bad spot together and you needing to type to us to vent, no worries. But. If that's really how you genuinely feel about your husband in general. and you genuinely feel like you all you can hope for in life is to be grateful to be with someone who doesn't beat you or cheat on you, then you're selling yourself short. There's more to life that putting up with shit like that because you don't feel like you could ever expect a situation where you don't have to.

As I said, I'm just some idiot on the internet who doesn't know anything about you or your situation. Just my two cents. Really truly wish things get better for you.

This...I was going to say something similar....what caught my attention was the following:

But sometimes I feel he is selfish. He doesn't say sorry even if he's said something that hurt my feelings because what he said was true. I, on the hand, feel like I'm apologizing all the time and walking on eggshells trying not to hurt his feelings. We were at Walgreens the other day and he told me I have emasculated him. Ohkay. And I said I'm sorry. He shrugged and walked away.

He's been snoring. It keeps me up A LOT. When it first started I read up on how to stop it. The first two things were lose weight and stop smoking. He'll never do those for me. I've gone to work with no sleep whatsoever many times than I dare count. When I bring this up I hear "you snore too but I just sleep through it". So I went to a doctor to get ambien. Doctor said my husband should get a sleep study done. Husband told me I should pay for it since it's my problem I can't sleep through his snoring.

It's things like this that make me wonder is this going to be my forever?

It doesn't sound like your marriage is built on a sold foundation right now. It sounds like there is some emotional manipulation going on by your husband and it doesn't  seem like he is fully invested in making things better for the both of you. I have always believed that love is not two people looking at each other, but two people looking in the same direction - together. 

The whole snoring thing really highlights it, for me at least because my hubby and I are going through the same thing - except we are working on exercising and getting healthy together - and we have separate bedrooms for now because in addition to his snoring, I am an incredibly light sleeper. We both get better sleep and are much happier.

It's not easy to leave a relationship, nor is it easy to stay in one where you are the only one working for for it. It sounds like something has to give. I hope you find a solution that makes you happy.