Disclaimer - This is a rant for my own personal venting needs. If it bothers you then just look away (I won’t mind).
A polite introduction
We’ve been nomadic for about the last 18 months (we sold just about everything we own, we travel and have no fixed address). As a part of that, when we’re local (Oregon) we house sit for friends and strangers. This is an exchange of housing for labor - no money changes hands. We love animals and are happy to have pets to take care of. We’ll happily handle the weekly responsibilities of homeowners (garbage/recycling, mail collection, watering, etc.). Over the past half year, we’ve done about eight house sits. You look nice, your home looks comfortable. Sure, let’s get you on our calendar and make it happen. We’re interested in seeing what living in this part of the city feels like. We’re looking forward to it!
Rant: Part 1
Holy shit! What is it with you and all this stuff? What possessed you to fill every cupboard with your crap, cram every drawer full to bursting, add too much furniture to each room, buy duplicates and triplicates of every tool for every job, collect every bullshit knickknack known to man and cover every horizontal surface with them? Why on earth does someone need to fill every closet in the entire house with clothes so tightly packed on every rod, using hundreds of hangers in the process? How can you manage to put things away when returning something is like solving a Chinese puzzle? How do you manage to sit down on that couch between the pillows and throws and other "comforts" taking up every inch of space?
What. The. Ever living. Fuck??
And don’t get me started on the pet toys and gadgets and beds. Or the garden sheds. Or for fuck’s sake the garage. The garage! Stuffed from rafter to floor, packed from one side to the other with things you haven’t used or thought of in years (at least according to the dust layers I can see on them). And don’t ask me to go down into your basement. Just don’t ask, I won’t go. Between the mold and the ancient kitty litter smell, and the dead rodents you can’t find in all that mess belonging to god knows which previous owners…no. Just no.
Seriously, you have problems. All of you. No matter how tidy or clean your home is at first glance, I can guarantee you that homeownership has led to an overstuffing syndrome. And it’s horrible. How do you live this way? I get the minimalist dry heaves just thinking about all of it.
A polite interlude
When you return to your home after your absence you will be pleased to see that your pets are happy and healthy. Your plants and garden and yard are green and thriving. Your home has been cleaned to a 5-star hotel level. Your neighbors have been happy with us because we’re friendly and responsible, and didn’t cause parking issues. Success!
Rant: Part 2
Has no one ever taught you to deal with your messes? Have you considered maybe cleaning your refrigerator every year or two? How about culling your possessions so that you can walk down a hall without having to veer around things? And how are you not injured every time you open one of your Fibber McGee closets and shit falls out?
I know you’re busy and all, but how about setting aside a few hours per weekend to tackle that basement and garage? Yes, it will take several years at that pace, but so what? Or how about putting one item per day into the Goodwill bag, and doing that for ten years? That should just about make a dent. You have to start somewhere!
I’d recommend a few books on clutter and cleaning, but you won’t read them. First off, I wouldn’t embarrass you like that. Next off you would set the books down and then cover them up with more stuff so you couldn’t find them even if you wanted to. And lastly you are in such denial that I’ll save my money and not buy them for you. Heaven knows that adding more crap to your piles wouldn’t be kind.
Epilogue
Ring! Ring! Thanks for calling, and we’re so flattered you are wanting us to house sit again. We’re glad it worked well last time. Just to let you know though, we’re out of the house sitting business at this point, having settled down in a small apartment with almost no furniture and very few items of any kind. We like it!