Playing Big Book Study and Support

[fidgiegirl]

A few of us were throwing around the idea of a group here on the forums who would work to apply the ideas in the book Playing Big by Tara Sophia Mohr.



Who will join us?

[scrubbyfish]

I don't have the book yet, and who knows what will be happening, but I'm in! :)

[boy_bye]

Sweet! I think I will have a bit of time this weekend to review the first chapter or two and post somethin about it here.

[KMMK]

Okay, I'm going to get started since I have the book out from the library at the moment.

Chapter 1 - The Inner Critic

My biggest takeaway from this chapter was the distancing techniques. To recognize when it's your critic talking and not getting caught up in thinking that is truth.

Professionally, I don't feel that my critic is very much in control anymore. It certainly has been in the past. I managed to silence the critic enough to quit my job, and then once that decision was made I didn't get too much negative inner feedback. Previously there were a few things holding me back. The whole "I can't do that," was a big one.

But I managed to switch my thinking to: "If I can't do that, than who could? Or who should be? Why couldn't I be the one to do that?"
I'm smart, I'm good with educating people, math, technology, writing, money management. Here I am half-FI at 38 and able to quit my day job - if that doesn't qualify me to help others I don't know what would. Who wants a broke financial adviser?  Not including my internet friends I'm the best person at managing money that I know. And the other thing is that no financial advice person knows all that stuff right off the hop. They all have to start somewhere, learn stuff they don't know, struggle to get clients. And a lot of them had a lot of debt and had to turn their life around. I never did. So if they can do it, why can't I? Logically that train of thought made no sense. Realizing that was a turning point.

However, inner critic in a interpersonal relationship sense, and a general-anxiety sense - oh yeah. I struggle there, though not nearly as much as I used to. I have conversations in my head ad naseum, prior to any actual conversation, I'm not good at asking for help, I have tons of anxiety about certain things, and avoid a lot of things. I think about my belly too much. I've been trying to think about feeling healthier and how being a bit flabby isn't the worst thing ever. I'm getting better slowly.

So my ongoing goal about this chapter is to not be more critical of myself than I am about other people; to continue to focus on health, rather than physical appearance; and to pay attention when the critic is being silly or discouraging.

I'm looking forward to what others have to say.

[fidgiegirl]

Sorry it's been a bit slow to get going, all.  LOL, talk about unnecessarily apologetic language.  :)

Kestra, thank you for kicking us off!

For all of you and anyone joining in:  What made you want to pick up the book?  What drew you to it?

I don't remember where I first heard about the book, but when I perused the chapters and saw "leaving good student habits behind" and "motherhood and playing big," I knew I HAD to read it.  Immediately.  I am still undoing all those years of being a good student.  But more on that later.

I don't have a real idea of structure in mind for this thread.  Maybe we'll go chapter by chapter if that's what speaks to us, or maybe skip around.  I have read the whole book, but I FLEW through it in eBook form about 3 months ago, and now that I have a paper copy I see that there is more I want to go back and highlight and savor, and that those parts might not necessarily be in order.  But everyone should reflect in the manner that would be most useful for them personally.

Really looking forward to your thoughts, lovelies!

[fidgiegirl]

Okay, I'm going to get started since I have the book out from the library at the moment.

Chapter 1 - The Inner Critic

... The whole "I can't do that," was a big one.

But I managed to switch my thinking to: "If I can't do that, than who could? Or who should be? Why couldn't I be the one to do that?" ...

Was there any event in particular that triggered the switch in thinking, Kestra?  Or any philosophy that influenced you?  What tripped this inside you?

[scrubbyfish]

For all of you and anyone joining in:  What made you want to pick up the book?  What drew you to it?

I have no idea what the book is, lol! I ordered it from the library because you're so enthusiastic about it, and I have great regard for your opinions!

And, I like anything that talks about "how to", especially when it comes to optimizing our lives and focusing. I sense that's what this book gets at.

Also, I'm grateful for the thread's slow start, since I'm waiting at least two more weeks for my copy :)

[KMMK]

Okay, I'm going to get started since I have the book out from the library at the moment.

Chapter 1 - The Inner Critic

... The whole "I can't do that," was a big one.

But I managed to switch my thinking to: "If I can't do that, than who could? Or who should be? Why couldn't I be the one to do that?" ...

Was there any event in particular that triggered the switch in thinking, Kestra?  Or any philosophy that influenced you?  What tripped this inside you?

Great question. I've been thinking it over. I've been doing a personal journal just for myself since I quit my job but I wish I'd done that sooner, as I can't remember exactly what was going through my mind all that time. However I did have my personal blog (kestra.ca if anyone is interested) during most of the beginning of last year until that kind of fell to the wayside. You've inspired me to look through that again. It is fascinating to look back at some of my thoughts and actions from a year ago. It feels like such a long time ago.

I don't think there was one big turning point; like most things I think it was a gradual evolution - series of small events that slowly changed my mindset.

Here are some of the points I remember that affected this change:

1. Talking to you that time about your finances and life situation - This was so helpful to me in various ways. Even though I was woefully underprepared, inexperienced, and it was hard to do over the phone, it showed me that 1) I did have ideas to offer 2) I had ideas about how to present that information back to a potential client 3) and I really enjoyed that type of job.

2. Taking the FI train-the-trainer course. This reminded me how much of the FI program I've actually done and actually follow. It solidified the knowledge that yes, I actually could be a group leader/mentor for this program. I do know it well enough. (I haven't actually done anything really with this yet, but it's still on my radar for future teaching opportunities.)

3. Doing the Grown-ups Read Things They Wrote as Kids thing. Although this was only the second time I've done public speaking for such a large group, I was only moderately nervous and it was one of the most fun things I've ever done. Yes, I want to be the centre of attention and give presentations.

4. Going to seminars with less than competent speakers - I remember this one incident especially  - going to a website creation presentation at the entrepreneur centre (that I paid some money for) and having the presenter be worse at technology than myself. Here I am paying for education, and it's really not that good. If she can do that I can certainly do something similar and with a higher level of competency.

5. Going to seminars with good speakers - These tend to make me think how I could be doing that, and that I'm on the wrong side of the room. I just have a gut feeling that I want to/could be good like that. I should be giving the presentations, not attending them.

6. Giving a money presentation for my co-workers that was really well-received.

7. Talking to people who need my help. Almost everyone I talk to (not on the internet) seems like they know less than I do and require my services. (The only person who appears to know as much as I do and not need my help is my man-friend I talked about in my journal thread - one of the many reasons I like him) - but everyone else could be doing better with their money.)

8. Interviewing at Freedom 55 and realizing that what I wanted to offer clients would be more useful to them, and much more ethical and rewarding for me, than what F55 pitches.

9. General thoughts of competency and incompetency at my previous paid job. I was really good at almost everything and people would come to me with all sorts of problems. But the management was generally not very good, but had authority over me. If I could be that good at that job I'm sure I could be just as good at another job. And then I could do things the way I wanted to, for my clients and myself.

That got long but I'm sure others have had similar experiences so maybe this will help remind others about their own abilities.

[MonkeyJenga]

Kestra, I'm really interested in your path, because I've been considering starting a side gig of helping people budget, get out of debt, and save for retirement. I don't have any formal credentials but have been helping one friend of mine and have had informal conversations with others, and think I could make a real difference for people. A couple ideas I've gotten from you is to put together a basic presentation to show coworkers and potential clients, and find more opportunities for public speaking. What is FI train the trainer?

Good luck with your own business.

[KMMK]

Kestra, I'm really interested in your path, because I've been considering starting a side gig of helping people budget, get out of debt, and save for retirement. I don't have any formal credentials but have been helping one friend of mine and have had informal conversations with others, and think I could make a real difference for people. A couple ideas I've gotten from you is to put together a basic presentation to show coworkers and potential clients, and find more opportunities for public speaking. What is FI train the trainer?

Good luck with your own business.

Thanks!

For FI check out this website:

http://www.financialintegrity.org/index.php?title=Main_Page

There are lots of free and downloadable resources there.

It's based on concepts from the book Your Money Or Your Life, which I highly recommend.

The train-the-trainer was an interactive webinar thing about the Financial Integrity Program and how to share that with others.

[MonkeyJenga]

Thanks for the info, I'll check out that site. It's possible I briefly looked at it before, because reading YMOYL last year started me on the FI train, but at that point wasn't considering this specific teaching option for myself.

More on topic, I'm going to get this book from the library and see if I can get useful insights from it.

[fidgiegirl]

Welcome, MonkeyJenga!  I hope you enjoy Playing Big.  Let us know your thoughts as you go along.

Kestra, I was so interested to read all of that!  It is incredible how all those little steps add up, and my little heart is warm to know that the chat you did with me which was sooooo helpful for me was also sooooo helpful for you!  :)  It goes to show that when you accept a gift from others you can also be giving a gift in that acceptance.  I felt so lucky to be on the receiving end of that wisdom but feel even more awesome to know that it was reciprocally useful.  :)

Also, another thing that made my little heart's wings flutter was to see this exchange between the two of you.  I get such a high from connecting people with each other.  It's a thread that's come through in all this self-study I've done of several books over the last few years, many of which center around identifying values, etc.  Some of the most successful moments I've felt have involved this connecting/networking of others to each other, matching them purposely as individuals or facilitating groups that put like minds together (in my old job) and then watching the sparks fly.  Man I miss that about my old job.  I am starting to think of how I could do it again as an independent.

[fidgiegirl]

Just briefly before bed here . . . I have finished chapter 1:  The Inner Critic and started the journaling exercise toward the end, but had some painful realizations about that.  Don't want to really get into them here, but might with my counselor.  I have several "voices" of my critic and among them is a former co-worker/boss.  She wasn't my direct boss, but I find myself referencing what I think she might have to say about something.

Biggest takeaways from the chapter for me personally:

1) Our most deeply held/right dreams are the ones that make the critic scream the loudest.

2) It's like the background noise of my life, chattering away all the time, and is this a source of or a result of my seemingly constant anxiety?

3) I put a note next to "Inner Critic 101" for girls.  Is this a way I could serve my students at school?  Maybe in the after school program?

4) On the list of features of the Inner Critic (pages 4-5) I starred harsh/rude/mean, binary, the voice of "you aren't ready yet," the one-two punch, irrational but persistent, the inner critic may take inspiration from critical people in your life.  I put an x next to you aren't good at math/negotiating/technical stuff and the voice of body-perfectionism.  My critic doesn't very often care too much about those topics.

5) Any time one is arguing with the critic rather than acting, the critic is winning.  Message?  Act.  Act.  Act.

How can I acknowledge the critic's existence but not fall prey to its message?

I'd like to still do the writing around the journal prompts, even though thinking them out the other night made me upset.  Also I liked the exercise about making one's critic into a character with a name and ridiculous features.  I think that would help me a lot.

Maybe I'll copy the core ideas of the chapter and paste them in my scanner book.

How are others coming along?

[KMMK]

On the topic of dealing with minutiae to avoid the big things, there was a post here this morning that I planned to respond to. But then I was thinking - is my response that interesting or useful? And will posting that help me out in any actual way? Or is it just an automatic response and a waste of my time?

So now I'm posting here instead with my thoughts about internet activity. Thoughts: I don't have to respond to every post on which I have an opinion. Just let it go. And get on with stuff that's actually useful to my life or to that of my friends/family/clients depending on the situation.

[Jessa]

Posting to follow along.

I actually borrowed the book from the library several months ago. I think I did some of the journalling exercises in my personal journal, so I need to dig that out and see how much of the work I did and post it up here.

[fidgiegirl]

Welcome, Jessa!

Kestra, your observation about minutae and sticking to the actual task of business also reminds me of The One Thing book that I was reading as well.

[fidgiegirl]

Yeah, lhamo!

In the next week I commit to doing the inner critic journalling and will try to do the inner mentor visualization.  I am also going to be gentle on myself in that the next two weeks of work look to be quite busy and then should settle down for two more and then we're done for the summer!

How are others coming along?

[fidgiegirl]

I think I will skip the inner critic stuff for now.  It is holding me back from further work with the book.  I don't have to do it in order of chapters.  If in the future I am emotionally ready to look again at the Inner Critic exercises, I will.  For now, I learned enough from my painful realizations last week to last me a while.  I will move on to more positive exercises, such as the Inner Mentor visualization or even other exercises.

My inner critic did help me spin some wheels today.  I spent a bit of time photographing and listing baby clothes for sale on the local garage sale group.  I didn't need to do that.  We don't need the money, and we have friends that can use most of the clothes and if not, good places to donate them.  So why did I spend my limited available time that way, instead of on something that really mattered or made a difference to my life or the world?

[MonkeyJenga]

I read the first chapter, and one thing that struck me was on p 47: when did you experience a lot of motivation that didn't come from fear and self-doubt, what motivated you, and what were the results? At first I couldn't think of anything aside from small things like winning a writing award in middle school, helping/convincing friends to declutter, etc. It was depressing to think my whole life has been propelled by insecurity and fear, and that even when I have been motivated, my efforts petered out without real results.

The more I thought about it, though, I realized that moving to NYC in the first place was my big motivated event. I had no job, no degree, an unseen apartment and unknown roommates, but I wanted to be independent from my family and experience life in a big city. Seven years later I have friends, a long-term relationship, a dramatically increased salary, various hobbies and interests that never occurred to me back home, and enough money to support myself for years.

Even though individual decisions along the way were motivated by negative emotions, overall this turned out pretty well.

One ironic thing: in the section about visualizing your inner critic, I started feeling bad that I couldn't immediately put a face on my own. I realized that was stupid and I could let it develop naturally over time. Then I started thinking of a lazy woman eating Cheetos in a reclining chair, but that just sounded appealing.

Other notes
Characteristics of my inner critic: conservative, people-pleasing, afraid, judgmental, pessimistic, and lazy.
When I think about making an exciting career move, I hear "too much work, not guaranteed, nobody will hire you."
When I think about sharing my creative work (photography), I hear "you're not as good as the people you admire, nobody will care, let alone pay for your work."

[MonkeyJenga]

I will move on to more positive exercises, such as the Inner Mentor visualization or even other exercises.

It's funny to me that you say that, because I'm conflicted about the inner mentor exercise and haven't started it yet. I have so many conflicting desires right now, which theoretically that exercise would help clarify, but I'm nervous about what I'm going to see.

As far add listing clothing for sale, not everything you do needs to better the world. You had the motivation to start clearing out some of your stuff and possibly make a little money. If you don't think it's worth it, just donate next time, but it wasn't pointless.

[fidgiegirl]

I read the Inner Mentor chapter tonight again.  I was planning to do the visualization, but was too sleepy, plus had problems locating the audio.  It didn't want to work on my phone.  I will see if it works on the laptop.  I sure hope so!  I did something like this with another book I studied (Right Brained Business Plan) and it was very powerful.

Yeah!  Works on the laptop.  Hopefully tomorrow night I'll have a chance to do the visualization.  I won't be able to sneak out of work early tomorrow, but maybe after bedtime I'll feel like I can do it.  There's about a 50/50 chance, especially if I walk the dog to get my energy up first.

ETA:  Ooh.  Surprisingly, it's a really crappy quality!  That's hard for me.  I have some weird sensory thing with crappy audio!  We'll see if I can do it with the recording.  Maybe I'll have to have someone read it to me, but ugh.  Maybe one of us should make a better recording of the exercise!  :)

[fidgiegirl]

I talked through some of the inner critic angst with my therapist today.  It was great to get perspective on it.  I am looking forward to seeing if I can leave work early one day this week in order to sneak home while still wakeful to do the Inner Mentor visualization.  If I still have energy tonight after BB is in bed maybe I will attempt it then, but if I'm too tired, I'll just fall asleep.

[fidgiegirl]

I tried to do it, but I will have to be alone at home to be successful.  Despite telling DH what I was doing and asking for no interruptions, he started doing the dishwasher super loudly and it was all I could focus on.  Then when I asked him to stop, he said, I'm almost done and kept going :(.  By now I'm too irritated to have a good experience.  I'm disappointed because I won't have another chance until Thursday.  Ce la vie, I guess.

[wearfannypacks]

I just started reading the 1st chapter on the inner critic, and today I caught my inner critic in action.

It went something like this.

I had a really fufilling day treating my patients. I'm feeling very happy about my practice, I drive to pick up my son, and he was happily playing with legos. Such a sweetheart, give me a hug, says bu-bye to his teachers.

As I'm on a high from all this happiness, critic pops in and says "everything is so good for you something bad must happen soon."

This happens fairly frequently, but today I caught it for what it was. I don't have to believe that voice and let is steal away happiness. Things are great because I'm lucky AND I've worked really hard to be where I'm at!

[fidgiegirl]

I just started reading the 1st chapter on the inner critic, and today I caught my inner critic in action.

It went something like this.

I had a really fufilling day treating my patients. I'm feeling very happy about my practice, I drive to pick up my son, and he was happily playing with legos. Such a sweetheart, give me a hug, says bu-bye to his teachers.

As I'm on a high from all this happiness, critic pops in and says "everything is so good for you something bad must happen soon."

This happens fairly frequently, but today I caught it for what it was. I don't have to believe that voice and let is steal away happiness. Things are great because I'm lucky AND I've worked really hard to be where I'm at!

I used to get that as well!  Not too much lately . . . but isn't it amazing when you become aware of something to see it in your life?

I have not had the chance to do the Inner Mentor exercise but am going to leave work and do it tomorrow.  I forgot to come home early to do it today, but that's ok, that's because I was getting good stuff done at work.

I read the fear chapter (pachad and yirah).  I had forgotten about that distinction from my initial reading.  To be honest, there were definitely moments in that chapter where I thought of lhamo.  :)

Right now I think I am experiencing yirah about next year.  Possibilities, it feeling right but also being scary . . . I am ready to step into it.  There are also elements of pachad - not being perceived as pulling my weight at home, so I'd better use all available time to clean, organize, etc. - no.  That's not my highest calling in this life.

[fidgiegirl]

OMG.  I did the Inner Mentor exercise.  I don't want to detail the whole thing, much like the author says not to . . . but I am both surprised and hopeful.  My critic tried to intrude - a lot.  I had to start over a few times.  It was amazing how much external stuff (noise in the kitchen on my first attempt; being cold; just unwinding) interfered with getting to a state of mind to do it, but it was worth it.

I got some surprises and some not.  But now my BB is home with dada and I must leave you all.  Glad I came home and did it, though.

[MonkeyJenga]

OMG.  I did the Inner Mentor exercise.  I don't want to detail the whole thing, much like the author says not to . . . but I am both surprised and hopeful.

That's a great way to make people curious about what you saw!

I'm not doing every part of every exercise because I read the book on the subway. This is not conducive to peaceful contemplation. Keeping that in mind, here are my notes from a few chapters:

• I need to remember whose advice to listen to. My father, while very intelligent, is not the right person to give me career advice, and very possibly is not the right person for investing advice either. My friends and mentors also cannot give me those answers. I had a big career decision a couple of years ago, and I made the wrong decision, largely because I listened to my father and an old boss/mentor.
• Attachment to praise and criticism is a biggie. Always did well in school (...until I dropped out), always behaved, always feared the slightest negative comment from an authority figure. I've been improving, in that I no longer rely on positive work feedback.
• Factors that impact my relationship to praise and criticism: prioritizing others' feelings over my own. Women's history of needing to be likable and approved of in order to survive. The sense that how I'm perceived is more important than what I experience inside. Good-girl conditioning.
• For one of my current projects, identify who are the people I need to influence/reach in order for this to be successful? Potential clients for my personal finance coaching (people with student loans or credit card debt that they want to pay off, new parents who want to save for their kid's college).
• "Unhooked from criticism" role models: Eleanor Roosevelt, and a friend who wrote a book about her world travels, defying her parents' expectations, and starting a travel/yoga retreat in another country. (She would be totally weirded out to be grouped with Eleanor Roosevelt in this way.)
• How would those role models handle the criticism I'm fearing? Initially doubt themselves, wonder if they were crazy, then realize they needed to do it to be fulfilled and make a difference, then just DO IT.
• Criticism of favorite female author: looked up Jane Austen's Emma on Amazon. Boring and pointless, no plot, didn't make sense, tedious, irrelevant and boring. My favorite:
  

  Not that good read.
  It that good to read
  NOT THAT T
  GOOD TO RAD.
  BNBJF XXH U DC HFFFD .
• What's more important than praise or being liked? Not having to work in an office. Helping people declutter and become financially secure. Minimalism/frugality. Health.

I've gotten further than this, but I'm off to eat dinner: my first-ever homemade chicken soup from leftover bones!

[Anatidae V]

I found it! Yay! I've been wanting to go through and do the exercises but I'm not good at doing exercises from books and wanted to do it with other people! I will now scurry away and read through it yet again and do the exercises and share here :)

For now:
I've already started watching for pachad and yirah, to great effect. It's helping me work out when something is right for me and when the thoughts that it should be right for me (my inner critic?) are overriding whatever is actually true. My inner critic has extremely fuzzy boundaries with every other part of me and I'm not sure it would be helpful to me to make it a separate person, but I want to apply the helpful bits to my interpretation of my "self".

Is anyone else incredibly apprehensive about doing the meditation on their inner mentor? I'm worried about becoming relaxed (I have avoided proper full body relaxation for a few years now because of this fear) and it leaving me with extreme nausea and terror, or just not knowing what I'll learn and finding the uncertainty scary. This is all similar to my upbringing and while a happy one I'm finding it highly unsettling even though I want to jump into it.
I hope that makes sense to someone else. I think an analogy would be a catholic who didn't quite agree with their childhood church and grew away but found a new one that really suited them, but is extremely anxious because of the way their previous church didn't fit? Maybe?

[MonkeyJenga]

I'm worried about the inner mentor exercise. Right now I have a pretty clear vision of what I want to do, at least in the short-term, but feel stuck where I am for various reasons. If I see future-me, I think it will only make me more anxious to change everything about my life, but I'm not ready to deal with the possible consequences of that.

I'm currently in the section about self-negating verbal habits, and I do all of them. I started deleting some from my writing a few years ago, like "just" and "actually." Those are big tics for me. I need to start catching things in daily speech as well.

[KMMK]

About the word choice thing, it reminded me of this blog post I wrote a couple years back.
It's one of my favourites (though my business plan then was different than it is now), and it's topical so thought I'd share.

http://kestra.ca/2013/06/28/words-and-your-business-are-you-committing-verbal-self-sabotage/

[fidgiegirl]

I'm surprised to read about the apprehension around the inner mentor.  As you read above, I found it exciting and could hardly wait to find time to do it.  I have used it several times over the last week to remind myself of true desires.  For example, I asked my inner mentor what I need to do to get from where I am to where she is, and images of bicycles popped into my head.  I interpreted that to figuratively mean that I need more movement in my life, and while I haven't gotten on my bike in the last week, I have been making more of an effort to move when I have the opportunity.

I think the Inner Mentor is inherently kind.  I did an online course called Life With Intention Online and we talked a lot about the ego and the intuition.  In Playing Big, the Inner Critic is the ego and the Inner Mentor is the intuition.  The intuition is peaceful.  It's kind.  Per Jess Lively, Life With Intention course creator, it's like a cool well with soothing water that always tastes just right.  I think if you were to hear a voice that berates you, that's the Critic intruding into your vision.

Big hugs, ladies!  I am going to do a little more reading tonight.  This thread is helping me to pace myself as I tend to devour books like this and then not go back to do the transformative reflection needed to truly draw the value from them.

[Jessa]

My inner critic is mostly a thin, pretty, blond teenaged girl who is constantly reminding me how fat and annoying I am and what I loser I am, and my mom (the way she was when I was growing up, she's mellowed a lot with age). I DEFINITELY fall into the trap of arguing with my inner critic.

One of the things I realized through the inner mentor exercise is that I wasn't really finding my inner mentor, but more of an idealized mentor figure. It brought up a lot of things for me to work through in therapy, mainly that I kind of always thought I'm in therapy because there's something wrong with me and I need to be fixed so that I'm not emotional. And my therapist was like...no, it's never been my thought that we were trying to fix you, just help you cope better.
So I realized that I don't really know what a stronger, clearer version of myself would look like, and I don't know how to imagine it, because basically I've lived my whole life by the assumption that who I am is wrong and I need to be someone else. So I think i need to figure out how just being me is okay and worth something before I can figure out where to move forward with what I should be doing with myself.

[Anatidae V]

I thought back to when my anxiety was quite bad and all the times I've felt like it's too noisy in my head. I think my inner critic is... me. Either screaming at everthing to go away and be quiet and just work*, or curled up in the corner in the middle of a panic attack. I think the screaming-me might be related to my mum, who had some problems with yelling when I was a kid. She's worked through it and her journey is probably what's causing some of my reactions (simultaneous trepidation and openness) to this book and others like it.

*I've also noticed it is just as likely to be screaming in my head about the people around me, particularly those most important to me, or the things most important to me.

[KMMK]

Well, I returned the actual book to the library but this is a good place to talk about procrastinating and making the right life choices so here goes.

From my emotional dump today on my journal thread, clearly I have a lot of issues and writing them up helps me sort them out. I need to get back to that type of writing. I've put some thoughts down already today on a few topics and am getting my new blog set up.

What I need to do is instead of reaching for my phone for Facebook or a game, or to check this forum I need to be doing some free writing or blog writing. I need to get this stuff out. And I think it's beneficial to share most of it with others, as we all have similar thoughts but are often afraid to share them. I want to not be afraid to share my insecurities.

I'll pretend that you all are telling me to get to it.

[Anatidae V]

We are! Go write now :)

[KMMK]

We are! Go write now :)

Ha ha. Thanks! I did do some work on it - a few short posts, ideas for categories etc. The actually website should be up in a few days.

This is the second day in a row I didn't get much studying done - my actual course stuff that should take priority, but I'm clearly in need of an emotional break at the moment. Hopefully the venting/writing will help me get back on track. It's clear there's a lot of stuff I haven't dealt with yet so it had to come out sometime. Better now than when I'm trying to help clients.

[wearfannypacks]

I did the inner critic exercise. Wow. wow. wow. I can look back and see myself working through her at 13,16,21,25. Wow. I wish I could have distinguished what that was at an earlier age.

Yes, it was motivating at some points, but motivating from a perspective of fear. I've already begun to recognize when inner critic comes up. I even named her and personified her, like was suggested ;)

As far as the Inner Mentor exercise, I'm looking forward to working on that tonight.  As a teenager I would've loved to meet myself now. I'm married to someone really amazing, I'm a mom, and I achieved my wanted career. I was incredibly insecure with boys and felt apprehensive about shooting for high educational goals. Coming from that perspective, my future self will probably be very cool to think about.

[fidgiegirl]

I did the inner critic exercise. Wow. wow. wow. I can look back and see myself working through her at 13,16,21,25. Wow. I wish I could have distinguished what that was at an earlier age.

I also wish I'd been able to do that!

[scrubbyfish]

My book came!!!! fidgiegirl, thank you so much for including a link to this thread in your sig, helping me find it now.

Read to page 25 (including introduction). Thoughts so far:

1. I play big! I was surprised to realize the author is encouraging me to behave as I have been. I started playing big around age 26. Played tiny before that, then realized it to some degree, stepped forward, and the Universe met me. I'm pretty confident in my ideas and abilities. One of my best moves has been disregarding the poor advice of "mentors", including ones that looked like they should be good ones.

2. I have become "allergic" to people persistently playing small, people who don't challenge themselves to break through this piece. I feel uncomfortable with my "allergy", and wish I could embrace all approaches with equal joy. On the other hand, I wonder if this -choosing that our circle be filled only with optimistic, optimizing people- is key to a great life.

3. I really related to one of her audience member's concept of self-critic as helpful, as the one element that pushes her to achieve quality. I still find I appreciate my self-critic for this. At the same time, I heartily agree with the author's take that functioning in response to the critic damages our well-being. In my case, mid-project I'll work up to 20 hours per day, barely sleep (obviously), and feel fearful and intense which isn't lovely for my relationships. In that stage, I have a sense of doom -that an optimal date will be missed, that the files will self-destruct or the building will catch on fire, etc. This isn't a lovely way to do my beloved projects. By force of circumstance (parenting solo), I've gotten MUCH better at this part, but I still carry an idea that unless I have intensity carrying me, the results won't be as good. I'm relieved that she argues this :)

4. All of this noted, I still play small in the sense that I keep my successes private. I carry a weird belief that even if I succeed (dangerous!), as long as I live quietly and under the radar, nothing bad will come of my success. That is, I equate "known success" with "danger". This is my primary barrier.

5. Society tells us what "qualifies" us (to teach, coach, enter, etc) and yet many women with "qualifications" still feel like frauds, unqualified, etc. So, it seems to me we all might as well skip the qualifying stage (school, etc) and just live our dreams!

I didn't assume I'd get much out of this book, but I'm truly loving it so far!

[Gray Matter]

Scrubby:  Your post has inspired me to check this book out.  I've been assuming it's not for me, because I am at a stage of my life where I want to "Play Small," but if it aligns with what you're doing, which I have great admiration for, then I'm intrigued.  Thank you!

[fidgiegirl]

scrubby, it completely makes sense to me that you Play Big.  And GM, I think you do as well.  Playing Big isn't to be confused with having a formal title, or being super busy . . . it's about being true to your own most unique gifts.  At least with you, GM, it seems to me that taking your current job was a nod to Playing Big, actually.  You were not entirely certain about it, but wanted to make a difference in the world and even though you were stepping down in income, something many external "mentors" or influences would pooh-pooh, you did it.  And even as you're in it, you continue to seek the right way to make your mark.  That's Playing Big if I ever saw it.  So glad you are aboard!

[scrubbyfish]

Playing Big isn't to be confused with having a formal title, or being super busy . . . it's about being true to your own most unique gifts.

So in line with the whole MMM/YMOYL thing, hey?? Right on!

[Anatidae V]

I have some great alone time to work on this coming up as SO is away for the next 3 nights. I'm hoping to do the inner mentor meditation exercise and report back. This is my accountability reminder :)

Otherwise, I wrote out my major themes while doing a mind dump of all that I've been up to since seeing my psychologist last. They are:
-control
-consent
-independence
-death

I have been working with her on identifying these for a few years, and they have gradually taken shape and form in my head. There was no bright burst of understanding, but lots of little ones. In fact, I think all of them came up in the first few sessions but I understand them a bit more all the time. I hope that helps anyone else who is struggling with why they can't just grab understanding straight away.

[fidgiegirl]

I have some great alone time to work on this coming up as SO is away for the next 3 nights. I'm hoping to do the inner mentor meditation exercise and report back. This is my accountability reminder :)

Otherwise, I wrote out my major themes while doing a mind dump of all that I've been up to since seeing my psychologist last. They are:
-control
-consent
-independence
-death

I have been working with her on identifying these for a few years, and they have gradually taken shape and form in my head. There was no bright burst of understanding, but lots of little ones. In fact, I think all of them came up in the first few sessions but I understand them a bit more all the time. I hope that helps anyone else who is struggling with why they can't just grab understanding straight away.

Looking forward to your thoughts!

[Anatidae V]

I have some great alone time to work on this coming up as SO is away for the next 3 nights. I'm hoping to do the inner mentor meditation exercise and report back. This is my accountability reminder :)

Otherwise, I wrote out my major themes while doing a mind dump of all that I've been up to since seeing my psychologist last. They are:
-control
-consent
-independence
-death

I have been working with her on identifying these for a few years, and they have gradually taken shape and form in my head. There was no bright burst of understanding, but lots of little ones. In fact, I think all of them came up in the first few sessions but I understand them a bit more all the time. I hope that helps anyone else who is struggling with why they can't just grab understanding straight away.

Looking forward to your thoughts!

I just did it. I was resistant to it, but by the end was more present in the visualisation. I got a sense of calm pushed at me, no words to any answers, just CALM. There were more smells and sounds than visuals, but afterwards while journalling I could write out a lot of what I'd seen more clearly. When I asked for her name a couple of times I got a sound instead, not a human-voice-one either, which was interesting. I also pushed back on her house looking/being as it was - I thought "No, this can't be her house. It's supposed to be revelatory and I love this place and want to be here and have always known I love this place (even though I've never been here exactly). I must not be doing this right." I was pushing back on this being wonderful, and insisting something was wrong even though it felt just right. Going to be writing a lot of details from that over the next few days in my private journal, I think.

Edit: I kept thinking about it for about 2 hours afterwards, and while my mind was wandering a name popped up. I thought it was silly and plain, and then this evening I rolled it around in my mind and realised it sounds like the non-human sound she was giving me. I looked up the meaning and now I think it's very cool. Interesting to see my perspective change.

[fidgiegirl]

It sounds so cool!!!!  So was the house a place you know in real life, or it just felt like you did in the visualization?

[Anatidae V]

It sounds so cool!!!!  So was the house a place you know in real life, or it just felt like you did in the visualization?

It wasn't somewhere I've been but it was very familiar. Like an amalgamation of several places where I felt safe. I felt like I'd been around the edges of it while daydreaming, and the surrounding area was my favourite kind of area, but not specifically any particular place I know.

[fidgiegirl]

It sounds so cool!!!!  So was the house a place you know in real life, or it just felt like you did in the visualization?

It wasn't somewhere I've been but it was very familiar. Like an amalgamation of several places where I felt safe. I felt like I'd been around the edges of it while daydreaming, and the surrounding area was my favourite kind of area, but not specifically any particular place I know.

Goose bumps!

[fidgiegirl]

The other night I went to a workshop called Corporate Rebel:  Get Out of Your Own Way.  The woman running it is in a neighborhood FB group I'm in and she is a coach, seems she mostly works with corporate types.  I am interested in coaching and in fact my last job was officially as a coach, though I never felt very capable at it, and that's how we started talking on the group.  So I attended her workshop.  It was so well done.

I wasn't too sure about what I was signing up for because I'm not corporate and I don't consider myself a rebel.  But she had been lovely enough to offer to have tea with me and chat about coaching as a career and I wanted to support her efforts and was also curious.

The focus was on what she calls the saboteur, or what Tara Mohr calls the Inner Critic.  We went through a very nicely structured exercise to help us journal about the saboteur.  First we went through the basics of what it is - a voice apart, something in all of us but not really us, can "look" different depending on the situation - etc.  Basically all the same stuff from the book, with different verbiage, and good to review in that way.  I was proud of myself that I could recognize the concept even with different descriptors.

Then we did an awareness element, where we thought about what were the situations where the saboteurs become particularly active.  For me, it's about self-employment/leaving teaching.  The saboteur talks about the financial obligations I have to my family, and how will I meet those?  Also it points out that I don't finish things, so why would I be able to "finish" this/find success in this?  And additionally it worries about how I will spend my "extra" time when I work half time.  The saboteur mainly shows up at night - when I'm tired.  Also when it's time to articulate my ideas to others, particularly DH or my dad (but not my Mom).  The saboteur is afraid we won't have enough money, or that I will look like an idiot/not smart.

Here's where things got a little different and in a good way:  We looked at what is the 2% truth to what the saboteur has to say.  In my example, I currently earn approximately half the household income, and if I got to half time, then it's true: I won't be bringing in half the household income.  I think where the 2% comes in is that this truth doesn't acknowledge that I can create ways to earn, that I can economize so we don't need as much money, that expenses will decrease when I have a second to breathe and am not living every day in a harried rush, scavenging food at every pricey outlet because I haven't planned ahead, etc.

The other 2% truth is that there are things I haven't finished in the past.  I don't see that as necessarily bad.  If you follow Barbara Sher's work at all she talks about how lots of people with multiple interests do not follow things, but there doesn't need to be shame in that.  It's simply because we got what we needed from the experience so even though it's not finished we can put it to bed.  However, most of the world doesn't see it that way, and if you don't finish when it comes to making money, then you don't have any (see saboteur favorite topic #1).

Here's where it got fuzzy, and I think more powerful than I realize.  So once we established the 2% truth, then we had to look at what value we hold that the saboteur has hijacked.  So for me, it's taking action - starting - having ideas - innovating.  By reminding me that I "never finish," then it's stopping me from living that important value of taking action.  I tell myself (or the saboteur/inner critic tells me) that "you never finish, why bother starting?"  And then that important value is squashed, but everyone is safe!  Whew!

The most memorable part of the evening came next.  She put a tape down on the ground and we had to stand on one side of it.  That was the Yes! - the action we would take to reconnect to the values hijacked by the saboteur.  For me, it was to get in touch with some co-organizers for an event I want to resurrect.  On the other side of the tape would be the Hell Yes!  And it is to take the helm of the event.  The co-organizers are also the founders and it's hard to just take it from them, but we're not making any movement.  We had to declare our Hell Yes and move to the other side of the tape.  And then we went home.  :)

So I did write the e-mail to the co-organizers.  Turns out one needs to bow out and did.  The other I already know is on the fence.  So it's up to me now - will I take the actions needed to breathe new life into it or let the event die?

[Anatidae V]

Cross-post:

My SO really didn't believe it was possible for us to declutter 6 months ago. He thought I was spouting ridiculous impossible rants, and had been for a few years. Now, he can SEE the empty shelves and that there isn't enough stuff to justify the amount of furniture we have. It makes me feel so happy and so light now that he also believes in it! It's one thing to have a fact in front of you, and another to BELIEVE in it.

Speaking of which, I have been confusing "comfortable", "competent", "ability" and "aptitude".
I am comfortable with my previous group's work.
I am comfortable, competent and have the aptitude for manipulating the database program my previous group uses.
I am moderately competent and able when it comes to managing a team, but not a budget (that’s something I can learn over time, a moderate aptitude?)
I am incompetent, uncomfortable but have the aptitude for modelling. It feels sooooo gooooood but takes me a long time and many mistakes.

This is from my own internal observations. I thought I was competent at my previous group's work. I'm not. I thought maybe I made a mistake switching. Nope, not even a little bit; in fact, it's a pity I didn't do it sooner, but then I would likely not understand how incompetent I am in the previous work - so I still got a good learning out of that extra time.

I felt both the idea of "knowing" vs "believing" and "competent/comfortable/aptitude" were relevant to the discussion here. That discomfort I feel when doing my new work? That's yirah all over. The panic attacks when I get overwhelmed by too much work from my previous group? Pretty sure that's pachad, although it's not exactly "unreal" fear.

Fidgiegirl, I think that different way of looking at the Inner Critic/Saboteur is great, really gives it another dimension. I can see that being very powerful in how the concerns are viewed.

For those of you who are looking into being coaches, what does that actually entail? Do you mean a "career coach" or whatever it is Tara Mohr does?