Learning, Sharing, and Teaching > Mini Money Mustaches
Who usually "wins" the number-of-kids-to-have debate?
meatface:
Yesterday, my wife and I were discussing the principle by which we thought other Mustachians made decisions to have (or not have) more kids when the couple disagrees on the number. For the sake of this post, assume that the husband wants X kids, and the wife wants X+1 kids (e.g., if "X"=3, then "X+1"=4).
Principle #1: What mama wants, mama gets
She thinks that, in general, the couple will end up doing whatever the woman wants. So if the husband wants 3 and the wife wants 4, then more often than not, she thinks that the couple will end up having the 4th kid. She's not arguing whether that's right or not; she just thinks that's what happens more often than not, because what mama wants mama gets.
Principle #2: Don't have an unwanted kid
I, on the other hand, argued that Mustachian couples will have the fewer # of kids because it's unhealthy (relationship-wise) to impose an additional kid on someone who doesn't want it. That is, if the husband is cool with 3 but really doesn't want 4, then they will agree to stick to 3 kids.
I'm not suggesting there are right or wrong answers. I'm just curious how YOU think other Mustachians decide/settle such a fundamental difference. As we've seen from the news recently (Anna Faris/Chris Pratt), such an important difference and inability to settle it can contribute to marriage problems.
reeshau:
My wife said she would have the first two, and I could have as many more as I wanted to give birth to.
So, not quite your scenario #1, but when the argument is "Dad wants more" then there is an imbalance of power in the decision.
GuitarStv:
Pregnancy and infancy was horrible enough that both of us immediately decided to never have another. :P
little_brown_dog:
How about a 3rd option -what about letting nature decide for you?
Go off birth control and have regular, but not necessarily planned/timed sex as desired over say 6 months. If you get pregnant, you have your answer. If you don’t, you can either stop playing or extend the game by mutual agreement. Rules of the game: no sabotage, no active trying involving timing ovulation or whatever, no unreasonable timeframes. Timeframe should be evidence based and unbiased…say 6mo as this is the average time to conceive for healthy couples. Too short a timeframe skews the game in your favor, too long skews it in hers.
(I’m saying this a bit tongue-in-cheek, but hell it is another option to consider!)
I'm a red panda:
--- Quote from: bender on August 23, 2017, 12:28:18 PM ---The argument is a bit sexist. The answer should be the same regardless of which spouse wants X and which wants X+1.
--- End quote ---
I think if wife wants more; she doesn't necessarily get more. And she shouldn't be the automatic winner.
But if wife is done, but husband isn't; I really have a hard time saying it is still up for discussion. The burden of pregnancy is a hell of a lot greater on the woman than the man.
If husband is done, but wife isn't; well then the argument can go on a bit longer.
The problem is, there usually isn't a "winner" in these arguments. If there is truly a disagreement in the number of kids; marriages often don't last.
Husband decided after 12 years of no kids, that despite saying he wanted kids, he didn't want them. I wanted them. We went with "nature decide". We got pregnant, had a stillbirth. That made me realize I wasn't okay with nature deciding. Husband didn't really want a kid (I think) but decided being married to me was more important than being childfree. We have a kid now. Husband really likes her. He's indifferent to second kid, I'm pretty tragically torn. This is a way complicated issue in our house.
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