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Wade in with advice, or stay out of it?

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MaybeBabyMustache:
Background: I have a very close relationship with my sister (consider her one of my two best friends). We get along extremely well, and are alike in many regards, perhaps with the exception of parenting. We both have two boys, of similar age.

My sister has regularly asked for advice on her 13 year old son. . . he is obese, has limited impulse control, struggles with social encounters, has no friends, gets very frustrated/angry over small issues, is very defensive, and always feels like the world is against him. (I observe this, but this matches the observation of everyone in my family, including my sister.) His only "activity" is gaming, and he games (when I'm around, don't know what he's like on a standard day) for 4-6 hours/day.

On the plus side, he's very smart, and when engaged, has a very kind heart for those he cares about.

My sister is very worried, and had hoped this was a phase that would work itself out. I am, by no stretch of the imagination, an expert on child rearing or a therapist, but feel the challenges need professional help. When she's asked for  my help in the past, it's been framed as a question like, "How do you handle it when your child doesn't want to stop doing an activity?" Or, do you think meditation would help (her child) deal with his emotions better? It's never a broad, open ended question about what I would do in her situation. She expressed her concern again last weekend, and tossed out a couple of ideas for my input. (Meditation, friend related stuff, etc).

I love my sister, and want the best for her & my nephew. However, I most definitely do not want to offend or over step, or hurt our relationship. I'm wondering if I should even remotely consider suggesting a therapist, or discussing with his pediatrician. If you think this is appropriate, is there wording that you would use/want used that would be least likely to offend?

CindyBS:
As a mom to a teen very high on the Autism Spectrum (Asperger's Syndrome, basically) - one thing our pediatrician told us when we were thinking of getting him evaluated (at age 12) is that these kids are often in tune with their parents in a way that they aren't in the outside world.  Meaning, he could be much better in her presence than where he really is.  Also, when it is your oldest child, it is hard to know what is normal.  How not normal is your child?  Is that puberty moodiness or a problem? 

I agree some sort of assessment or evaluation sounds like it is in order. 

When she asks a question, you can answer "Honestly, I think this xx's behavior has gotten to the point that you should seriously consider getting an evaluation.  I'm getting worried about him."   If she is reaching out, she must want some input.   The most important thing is to not act like having a mental illness or a neurodevelopmental disorder is shameful or something to be embarrassed about.  Would you hesitate this much if you noticed a weird rash on his arm?  Probably not. 

MaybeBabyMustache:

--- Quote from: CindyBS on October 17, 2018, 03:39:22 PM ---As a mom to a teen very high on the Autism Spectrum (Asperger's Syndrome, basically) - one thing our pediatrician told us when we were thinking of getting him evaluated (at age 12) is that these kids are often in tune with their parents in a way that they aren't in the outside world.  Meaning, he could be much better in her presence than where he really is.  Also, when it is your oldest child, it is hard to know what is normal.  How not normal is your child?  Is that puberty moodiness or a problem? 

I agree some sort of assessment or evaluation sounds like it is in order. 

When she asks a question, you can answer "Honestly, I think this xx's behavior has gotten to the point that you should seriously consider getting an evaluation.  I'm getting worried about him."   If she is reaching out, she must want some input.   The most important thing is to not act like having a mental illness or a neurodevelopmental disorder is shameful or something to be embarrassed about.  Would you hesitate this much if you noticed a weird rash on his arm?  Probably not.

--- End quote ---

Thanks, @CindyBS . Appreciate the input. This is her youngest child, just as reference, and her older child is quite different, which I do think draws a stark comparison in her mind. She's also parenting largely alone (ex husband is a good dad, but not living in the state), and just doesn't know how/what to do, and is feeling overwhelmed.

I'll be sure to position my input judgment free, and not something that anyone should be embarrassed about. I would definitely flag if I saw other health issues that were going unnoticed. His obesity is quite noticeable, but I also know that she's gotten input & feedback from a pediatrician, so I trust that's as in hand as it can be without further professional input.

Laura33:
I think you're right to tread carefully -- especially since she isn't asking you "what should I do," she's asking for your approval of options she has already chosen, which suggests that she is using you to vent more than she is actually looking for real feedback.  But I do also think you need to speak up, because you love your nephew, and because the very things that she is asking you about suggest that she is on the wrong track in dealing with him.*

One way that might work is to ask questions that downplay your own experience, so it is clear that you are not suggesting you know better than her.  E.g., Sister: "I don't know, I'm so frustrated, I'm thinking of trying X, what do you think about X?"  You:  "Geez, I don't know, that's above my pay grade -- have you asked his pediatrician about it?"  Or "Kids are changing so much at his age, and I just don't have enough experience to know what works best -- is there a therapist you know who works with teens who might be able to tell you if X works at that age?"  Etc.  And then if she gets defensive, you can back off with a "hey, you're the mom, you know him best -- what do you think?"  I wouldn't expect her to jump at it, but if you make that your go-to response, you are at least planting the seed.

*Yes, meditation is a great idea.  But it is not something a parent can impose on an obstreperous 13-year-old.  And it comes after finding ways to detach some from the games and adding some outdoor time and healthier habits into the mix.  She is looking for a Band-Aid when the problem is the whole dynamic between her and her son.

[I just saw the note that this is her youngest, and that makes total sense.  When you have been through it already, you tend to think you have this parenting stuff down, so when one kid is fundamentally different than the others, it can be hard to realize that you need to adjust your own approach, because what worked for them is not working for him.  This is where a therapist can be so helpful in providing that objective opinion that, no, this isn't normal, and then making some practical suggestions to change the dynamic.]

MaybeBabyMustache:
@Laura33 - perfect. The wording you suggest is just the right balance between giving input without it coming off as though I'm staging an intervention over her parenting skills.

And yes, her older child is a totally different beast - a little sassy as a 16 year old boy is, but very socially gifted and understand how to read people, which serves him well in everything. He's the first of 4 boys in all very close order between the two of us. It's so fascinating to see the difference between the four. What a wild adventure parenting is!

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