Time management and "free" time with children. First time parent questions.

[lauren_knows]

Fair warning, this is probably would to be long.

My wife and I just had our first child in April. He's a great kid. He has slept through the night 99% of the time since the 3rd month, he's almost always intensely cheerful unless he's extremely tired or hungry, he's great in crowds of people, he's an overall major plus to ours lives.

However great our son is, I think is being overshadowed by the time management clusterfuck that we've set ourselves up for.  Here's what our schedule looks like:

• Monday: My mother-in-law watches our son all day while my wife and I are at the office
• Tuesday-Thurs: My wife watches our son all day at home while I'm at the office.
• Friday: I watch my son at home, while my wife is at the office

There's a few things going on here. First, my wife is working at 60% full-time. She's in the office 2 days, and from Tues-Thurs is expected to telecommute for a total of 8 hours. (We determined that 60% full-time was the least amount of time she could spend without impacting her career long-term, by talking with her manager about her project commitments). Of those telecommuting hours, 4hrs need to be a predictable solid block of time. We chose Wednesday to have the neighbor's daughter come to the house and watch our son for 4 hours after school. Works out great.  Secondly, I switched my schedule so that I worked 40hrs in a span of 4 days, and have Friday's off. This is great, unless I have a doctor appointment or other personal business during the week that requires me to make up time, which makes for some 12hr+ days in the office. 

That is the sum of our employment song-and-dance. When we're both home at night, we usually have dinner immediately, and by 7pm our perfect son is getting ready to take his 12hr night-night time.  So, we spend the next 30-45 minutes (together) getting him ready for bed, telling him a story, feeding him again, and putting him down.  Then, we both get showered, and collapse on the couch at 8:30 or 9. At that point, we feel like we haven't spent any meaningful time together, so we end up just hanging out (rather than going off to pursue anything on our own). But, on Tues/Thurs, my wife has taken a liking to doing her telecommute work at night after my son goes to bed. She has felt that it is far too hard to wrangle the kid and house all day, while trying to constantly think of when she'll get telecommuting work in. I'm in total agreement there. I've had to do work from home once or twice while watching my son, and it wasn't very pleasant.

In general, I think that we both have a hard time stepping away from our son to do anything relaxing at all while the other is watching him.  We're both either doing a chore, or watching the kid. Nothing else.

As far as our mustachian stats... we save 50%+ of our salary as it is, even with my wife at 60%.  So, I've been contemplating asking my employer to cut back to 80-90% employment myself.  I figure, this would allow me to be home hours before dinner.  This would allow me to actually enjoy my son during the week, provide my wife a little relief and maybe time to get her telecommuting done well before sundown, and overall reduce stress in the house.

Part of me thinks that we can totally afford it, but the other part of me thinks there has to be a better way.  So I ask you mustachians, what did you do to make juggling your firstborn child easier? Are there any tricks that I'm overlooking? Or, maybe I just need a punch in the face and need to be told to suck it up until they're in preschool... I don't know.

[kolorado]

I've always been the stay at home parent so I have absolutely no experience with a situation like yours. But I will say that for one,  I am impressed that you thought to take less hours so your wife can get her work done at a more productive time and two, that if you feel like you're missing out on your actual life(the people you love)due to your work schedule, it's your work schedule that needs to change. I'm all for someone suggesting a better way where you can have your current income but more time with your family but this seems like one of those life situations where you will have to sacrifice something, time with the family or income.

[bogart]

I think some of what you're describing is just the nature of the experience, together, as you say, with your schedule.  My DH and I had somewhat similar particularly for the first 3 years of our son's life (juggling some provided care with our own flexible schedules and cut back working hours) and certainly there are aspects of it that are a drag.  Generally I think our son needed less sleep than yours is taking, which probably made things easier in some ways and more difficult in others.

Here's the thing:  little kids change really, really fast.  Whatever is bugging you now, it will be something different next year.  So hang in there and it will change.  Maybe worse, maybe better, but different.

Meantime, cutting back your hours might be a good plan.  Changing your approach might be another -- my DH and I each take one "night out" apart from each other most weeks (so one is home with the kid and the other out doing whatever they want -- hanging out with friends, at the library, at the town's indoor pool.  And yeah, sometimes chores.  The thrill of grocery shopping without a kid in tow should not be underestimated!).  Or if the problem is not enough "couple time," could the neighbor's daughter also babysit on a Friday evening or a weekend day so you two could go out, child-free?  Those are my quick thoughts/questions.

[twinge]

I think agree with Bogart on the "This too shall pass" broad mental approach to raising very young children.  It's very hard to know what to do when the issues shift month by month.  For instance, for both my kids, the first 3 months seemed like a blur of continuous nursing, the next 3 months were like this golden time where life felt in balance because the baby settled down into a better eating/sleeping schedule, and then that was upset by the next 3 months which I found delightful and engaging  with all their new skills but very exhausting trying to keep up with their new mobility and intense desires for exploration and my work (and operating on a 6+month sleep deficit).  The hardest time to keep up with work for me was the 12-19month old age where they can get into so much trouble, are so fun to be around, and are so exhausting with their activity level.  (Take this with a grain of salt because both my children had very high activity levels--my son's daycare teacher at age 2.5 told me they essentially divided up responsibility of the 10 children in the class like this-- 1 teacher assigned to my son and 1 other very active child and the other teacher assigned to the remaining 8).

A few things that we've learned from a similar juggling schedules approach for the first 2.5 years of both our children's lives:

1. It was really hard for employers to think of you as 60, 80, 90%.  Essentially, for both of us, with both our children we ended up doing our full jobs just in less time.  So if you do make the switch, be prepared for the possibility that all that will change is that you are obligated to 10% less face time.  If your job has enough slack in it, that can be fine. If not, it means very late nights and very early mornings and may not be worth it.  I would negotiate for not just 10% less time in the office but also discuss what projects you can extend the time available to complete, what tasks could be put off etc.

2. Small changes make big differences if you are conscious about what you really need and highly protective of it.  So if you choose to go 10-15% lower in time, I would advocate for having a distinct plan of something to do with that time--otherwise it can just mean more blurred time that doesn't really help. For instance, after my son started daycare at 2.5 he went 4 days a week and I took one full day to do no work but to get all the week's errands done with him and always do something fun outside of the house in the town that we wanted to do.  I felt like it gave him a real insight into practical daily life (grocery shopping, hardware stores, repairing things around the house) and set up a routine of him and I having time to ourselves.   It is still a time he remembers (8-9 years later) with fondness. I'm still crafting how to do something similar with my 3 year old daughter--our different attempts keep getting thwarted by my schedule--and I feel a little adrift about it.

[lauren_knows]

I think agree with Bogart on the "This too shall pass" broad mental approach to raising very young children.  It's very hard to know what to do when the issues shift month by month. 

Yeah. I perfectly understand that this is a common strategy, and realize that this isn't supposed to be "easy". I hope that the OP didn't come off as whining.

1. It was really hard for employers to think of you as 60, 80, 90%.  Essentially, for both of us, with both our children we ended up doing our full jobs just in less time.  So if you do make the switch, be prepared for the possibility that all that will change is that you are obligated to 10% less face time.  If your job has enough slack in it, that can be fine. If not, it means very late nights and very early mornings and may not be worth it.  I would negotiate for not just 10% less time in the office but also discuss what projects you can extend the time available to complete, what tasks could be put off etc.

Fortunately, this isn't a problem for me.  1) I work as a software tester. So, there is no real "build-up" of a project.  I track the development of several major software pieces, coordinate testing with our organization, do the necessary reports, and conduct the actual testing (which is usually 1 week long).  I've already successfully navigated a few tests with my new 4-day schedule, by having someone equally experienced cover for me on Friday (which is usually a wind-down day anyways).    2) Working in the defense industry, you can't actually take any work home with you... so it's a nice division of work/life.  I think there's enough slack in my position to be able to mostly cut my hours and actually see the benefits (a couple people already do this in my office).

2. Small changes make big differences if you are conscious about what you really need and highly protective of it.  So if you choose to go 10-15% lower in time, I would advocate for having a distinct plan of something to do with that time--otherwise it can just mean more blurred time that doesn't really help.

I've definitely thought of this.  I know that it's just as easy to waste an extra hour or two a day and feel just as rushed around.

Meantime, cutting back your hours might be a good plan.  Changing your approach might be another -- my DH and I each take one "night out" apart from each other most weeks (so one is home with the kid and the other out doing whatever they want -- hanging out with friends, at the library, at the town's indoor pool.  And yeah, sometimes chores.  The thrill of grocery shopping without a kid in tow should not be underestimated!).  Or if the problem is not enough "couple time," could the neighbor's daughter also babysit on a Friday evening or a weekend day so you two could go out, child-free?  Those are my quick thoughts/questions.

That sounds like a nice idea.  So far, we really haven't done such a thing outside of my wife taking an hour or two to go get a haircut, and me spending an afternoon homebrewing with a friend (this is in 8 total months).  We should actively work toward something like that. 

Also, the neighbor girl could certainly watch our son on an evening.  We, for one reason or another, haven't taken that jump.  I know that some parents have a hard time leaving their child alone for the first time... but I can't exactly place why we haven't.  It's part of the "it's a blur" factor.

I appreciate all the ideas thus far.

[gooki]

With the arrival of our second child I attempted to reduce my hours to 80%. However this plan got side tracked by a new job and a large salary increase. It was a tough decision, and I do feel some guilt.

But in your case I say go for it, and get management to agree you can go back to your existing hours if it doesn't end up working out for the better.

[vwDavid]

wow, your story sounds like a page out of my book. You are NOT alone, but things do improve a little as they get older.

I'll write back more in a bit...

[vwDavid]

I really do think the whole 'birth order' thing does have something to do with it. Some people seem more naturally able to raise small kids and I wonder if it is because they had more exposure to crying, dirty diapers, and sleepless nights too as a kid in their home. It certainly is tougher for some people than others.

Your story sounds a lot like ours. We have one child and struggle much the way you do. We have nearly identical savings rates. I am in the midst of negotiating with my employer for a 32 h work week to find a bit more breathing room- to try to be able to find myself again and know who I am so that I can be a better parent and spouse.

Although it seems to never really get easier- things just change and in that change there are certain reliefs and also certain new challenges in parenting. From age 1 to 2 a lot of things happen and do get a bit easier...our 2yo son now can pretty much eat on his own. that helps.

For me, with the savings rate and stache the work reduction will totally be worth it. Unfortunately I am up against a bit of a "precedent setting' type situation.

[mm1970]

Even if you don't have "plans" on what to do with your extra time, you will likely enjoy it and be less stressed.

I worked 30 hrs/week for about 1.5 years when my first son was 1.5 to 3 yrs old.  I left that job when they told me I had to go full time. And one of my coworkers said "it's only 10 hours a week".  I said "it TWO HOURS PER DAY".  What would YOU do with 2 hours a day?

I went to full time again when my son was in preschool and was easier.  Now I have an infant.  Went back to work at 80% (though it's more like 85%, I only get paid for 80%).  The expectations haven't changed...they still expect a full day's work and have piled more on me.  Well, I'll do what I can during the time.  But again, my coworkers want to know when I go back full time.  It's going to be awhile.  What people learn when you cut your hours is that you stop doing the "dumb stuff".  You know, the little things you do at work because someone has to do them and it's easier than nagging someone or training someone.  My coworkers want me to go full time so I'll stop nagging them to do their jobs. 

I find working 1.5 hours less a day means I get more sleep and more time with the kids and more time for meaningful chores at home.  Yes, the 20% pay cut sucks, but the time with my kids is worth it.

[snellbert]

We had a similar arrangement to yours when my first daughter was born-- my mom watched her MWF, and I telecommuted on Tues/Thursdays. I second what everyone else has said about different challenges as your kid ages.

What I found in particular was that once my daughter started becoming more mobile, it was much harder to keep tabs on her while simultaneous concentrating on any work task for more than 10-15 minutes at a time. (I'm a programmer.) The solution that worked for me was to simply get up earlier and get as much work as possible completed before she was awake. I'd work earlier and faster, leaving me far less stressed at the end of the day because the bulk of my work was already out of the way. It sounds like your wife is doing a big block of her work on Tues/Thurs evenings-- would she be able to move it to mornings, so that she could spend evening time with you and your son?

That being said, if you have the option to cut back your work hours without causing any damage to your career, etc, I don't think that's a bad option. You'll always have the opportunity to work more and make more money, but your son is never going to be small again.

[Nords]

That is the sum of our employment song-and-dance. When we're both home at night, we usually have dinner immediately, and by 7pm our perfect son is getting ready to take his 12hr night-night time.  So, we spend the next 30-45 minutes (together) getting him ready for bed, telling him a story, feeding him again, and putting him down.  Then, we both get showered, and collapse on the couch at 8:30 or 9. At that point, we feel like we haven't spent any meaningful time together, so we end up just hanging out (rather than going off to pursue anything on our own). But, on Tues/Thurs, my wife has taken a liking to doing her telecommute work at night after my son goes to bed. She has felt that it is far too hard to wrangle the kid and house all day, while trying to constantly think of when she'll get telecommuting work in. I'm in total agreement there. I've had to do work from home once or twice while watching my son, and it wasn't very pleasant.

In general, I think that we both have a hard time stepping away from our son to do anything relaxing at all while the other is watching him.  We're both either doing a chore, or watching the kid. Nothing else.

As far as our mustachian stats... we save 50%+ of our salary as it is, even with my wife at 60%.  So, I've been contemplating asking my employer to cut back to 80-90% employment myself.  I figure, this would allow me to be home hours before dinner.  This would allow me to actually enjoy my son during the week, provide my wife a little relief and maybe time to get her telecommuting done well before sundown, and overall reduce stress in the house.

Part of me thinks that we can totally afford it, but the other part of me thinks there has to be a better way.  So I ask you mustachians, what did you do to make juggling your firstborn child easier? Are there any tricks that I'm overlooking? Or, maybe I just need a punch in the face and need to be told to suck it up until they're in preschool... I don't know.

I think you're doing exceptionally well for the situation you're in. 

And when they're 18 years old, they'll be just as eager to get out of the house as you'll be to get them launched from the nest.

I should point out that you're optimizing your time for the status quo, and nobody's gotten sick or had a medical crisis yet.  So cutting back will give you even more flexibility for emergency response.  Luckily most of the activities you'll do with your family can be done for cheap or free, and you'll be too tired to be tempted by shopping or other wasteful habits...

A key to family time management is assigning age-appropriate chores as soon as they can walk.  They want to do all the cool stuff that grownups get to do anyway, so indulge them in their desires to clean up...