Struggling with daycare decision...

[little_brown_dog]

This isn’t just about finances but…

I am really, REALLY struggling with the concept of putting a 3 month old infant in daycare.  I live in an affluent part of the northeast where all the women at my workplace immediately put their 3mo or 6mo infants in center or nanny care and returned to work FT (or almost FT). Having the baby, taking your FMLA, and then immediately getting back to the career grindstone are the standard steps for any woman who wants to be “successful.” Care centers here range from $2000-3000 per month for an infant (6 weeks through 14-18 months). Nannies can’t be had for less than $15/hour.  Home based centers are a more economical option, but finding truly objective and sufficient reviews has been difficult. With my commute and work hours, the baby would have a 10-11 hour daycare day.

I have my masters in the social sciences and after reviewing the scientific literature and the opinions of many different psychologists and individuals in the daycare industry, I just don’t know if I’m convinced that there is nothing detrimental about leaving particularly young infants in care 10-12 hours a day, 5 days a week. There is just no way that a center caregiver with 3-4 infants can keep all of them clean, fed and burped without some serious shortcuts on tummy time and other individualized stimulation. I also struggle with the idea that you can work in a demanding job, with long hours and a long commute and still be your best self for the 1-2 precious hours a day you get to spend with your baby (on top of cooking, cleaning and other life activities). Add this to the fact that high quality care in a center or with a nanny would eat up close to or more than 100% of my take home pay, and you have a less than ideal scenario.

Every time I try to talk to the other professional women in my workplace, I hear the same thing: “oh you get used to it”, “it’s only really expensive for the first couple years”, “the babies are socialized better there than they would be with me”, “of course family is the number one priority but it’s important not to sideline your career.” Most of these women make six figure salaries not including their partners’ high incomes, so $3000 a month is very do-able for them. Only a couple of brave young moms have admitted that they hate being away from their babies so long, and that they don’t think working is worth it right now, but that they just couldn’t see a way around it financially.

Right now we are deciding between me working part time and being a full time SAHM once the baby arrives. FT work just isn’t worth it financially or emotionally to justify the sheer amount of time the baby will be in care. PT work might not even be worth it if we are still spending $1000+/month to manage it. Ontop of everything else, I’ve definitely maxed out my growth at my current workplace and am looking into switching careers to something more fulfilling.

I guess I’m not really looking for advice, more just an affirmation that I’m not alone in this very sad sort of dilemma…

[LiveLean]

This hornet's nest has been stoked before on this board with passionate arguments on both sides.

My wife stayed at home for eight years before returning and I've worked mostly from home since kids were born. One of the key MMM tenets is the idea that you're not working to support a lifestyle. But there are a lot of two-career couples who want to keep their careers going full-force since, after all, they spent a lot of effort to get there -- even if they could get by comfortably with one income.

Bottom line -- whether it's one or both of you working, you'll never get that time back with your kids. I know, cue the Cat's in the Cradle.

My two cents.

[necksnapper]

We're super lucky in Quebec because we get 55 weeks off (5 for the father at 70% pay, 18 for the mother at 70% pay,  and 32 for whoever want it (usually the mom) at 50% pay), so there was no question that there would be someone at home for the first year of life of the baby. 

That being said, we actually pushed the concept even further and I (father) took a 7 months paternal leave without pay and we left on home exchanges (free house and car)  for 7 months to enjoy some quality time with the baby.

Adding that leave without pay was definitely worth it to us, but circumstances differ.

[KCM5]

I think the ideal is to work part time. Keep a foot in the workplace, keep your contacts up, get out of the house, etc.

I work full time because I like my job and it is not the type to allow part time work. But I did take 4 months of mat leave and my with my husband and a bit of family help the baby wasn't put into day care until 6 months. It was still hard. And I have a very short commute and would go to nurse her twice a day. So I saw her a lot, and it was still hard. Your situation sounds even harder. I don't envy your decision.

[ysette9]

I want to respond not because I have any words of wisdom, but to share with you that I get it, I've been there, and what you are struggling with now is SO HARD.

My baby just turned 1 and I went back to work after 8 + 6 weeks of maternity + family medical leave. We live in the Bay Area which is also expensive and full of professionals. Daycares near my work also run $2k+ a month and have long waiting lists. I have no solutions but will share some thoughts from my experience.

1) It is unnatural and heart-breaking to leave your baby every day at that age. Don't feel that you have to convince yourself to feel any other way. Our leave policies in this country are appalling and embarrassing. I cried just about every day the week leading up to my return to work.
2) Do you have a partner? My husband took the full six weeks of partial pay leave that the state of CA offers and stayed with our baby after I returned to work. It is tough going back but it definitely helped knowing that she was with the next best person in the world aside from me to care for her.
3) This will come across as offensive because there is no way you can relate to it yet, but to some extent you do "get used to it" when you return to work. What I mean by that is your entire day and night now is consumed with nothing but your baby. Your life has reduced down to taking care of his/her needs and it is so hard to imagine anything else when they are so young. When I returned to work and walked into my building it felt like a dormant part of my old self rose to the surface again, and in the process made room in my brain for something other than just baby. That said, you never return to your old self and the thoughts of your baby are always floating back there somewhere. It become a new normal.
4) We went with a home daycare option for financial reasons just as you state. It is super hard to impossible to find reviews so we armed ourselves with a long checklist of questions we got from another friend and just toured different places. Go with your gut instinct on this one. If you do put your baby in daycare, remember that these people are used to parents going through exactly what you will go through in terms of separation. Ask questions, have them text you photos during the day, get a report at the end of the day, call in the middle of the day just to make yourself feel better. They should expect and accommodate these requests. That can really help.
5) Think hard about what you think will make you happy if you are contemplating not going back to work. For me, maternity leave was tough tough tough and a big part of that was the isolation of being home alone with an infant. Some people can learn to thrive in that kind of situation; I had to work every day to find activities to keep me engaged with the outside world to keep from going nuts. As hard as it was to leave my baby initially, that was a clue that going back to work wasn't going to be as traumatic as I had feared. Now if you enjoy the maternity leave and could see yourself continuing to do that, then your answer may be different than mine.

Again, I really feel for you. Your post brought up a lot of old fears and emotions I struggled with myself. It is not easy. It should not be this hard. It is unfair and the worst part of it is politicians in our country COULD make this situation easier for all parents but they choose not to. However, it doesn't do any good to get angry about that; you have to find the best solution for your situation (and look into moving to Canada for the next kid!). Good luck.

[sarajeanne]

It's so hard and there is no right answer. In the end I couldn't leave for 11 hours per day so we made a move and life change where I would only be gone 7 hours per day and my husband could work from home some days.  We used a Daycare center but I never felt 100 % about our decisions. We did the best we could. Good luck.

[SomedayStache]

Of course most of the career women in your workplace say that - they are the ones that stuck it out at work.  I bet you could find an equal number of stay at home parents that will say "Oh you get used to staying at home", "I get plenty of socialization by scheduling playdates with other moms", etc.  But the stay at home crowd isn't in your current socialization circle.

I'm a working mom and even though my husband stays home with the children, the first year of each babies life just about killed me.  Pumping during the day, nursing at night, and most of all just physically and mentally missing my tiny baby.  I absolutely hated working with a baby in the family - right about the one year mark each time things have dramatically improved.  (In my next life I'll choose to be born in a European country with awesome maternity leave!)

Both paths have their pros and cons.  You've got to make your own choice based on what works for you.  And what you end up actually wanting may be dramatically different then what you plan for while pregnant. You can always change your mind!  It is possible to go back to work, but then decide that you really need to be at home.  It is possible to plan on staying home, but figure out that doesn't work for you and find a job again (maybe even the same job if you part on good terms!). 

I wish America had true paid maternity leave and I wish that these decisions could be made more slowly.  You are not alone in this dilemma. I know some of how you feel and spent way too much time agonized over this subject myself.  I even got the nerve to broach the subject of part-time work with an HR person at my job, only to be laughed at and leave his office crying. 

[Erica/NWEdible]

I just want to say I'm so sorry you are facing this decision and encourage you to make the decision that's right for you and your infant and your family and your values, not the values of high-money power-players down the road. Do you feel like the "career grindstone" mothers in your industry who are maybe a bit older and a notch up in their career path are happy and live calm, satisfying lives? Do they have lives you'd happily step into or work to emulate?

[mamagoose]

If your heart feels it's wrong to leave your newborn in daycare, I believe you should listen to it. Biologically the baby needs you, for your one-of-a-kind comfort, not to mention breastmilk. I'm saying this openly on the internet b/c if I said it in real life I'd get slammed by moms who get angry b/c attachment parenting didn't work out for them, but whatever. The fact that you took the time to do the research on the social implications of it tells me you'd be a pretty good SAHM too and that your heart & head are in the right place, you want what's best for your baby. You can always go back to work if you miss it, and you mentioned a career change, so this is the perfect time to duck out. I really don't think you'll regret spending the time with your baby, and you may very well be a miserable mess back at the office.

[asiljoy]

1) Don't feel guilty with either decision. Children are adaptable and making it clear that you love them is more important than anything.

2) Breastpumping sucks donkey and being away from your kid will suck balls too. The first year is rough. Thank hormones.

3) Seconding the sentiments that you can change your mind at anytime.

My husband stays home with our child, mostly because it made financial sense, but it has made quite a bit of difference in how relaxed our lives are allowed to be. Yes we miss the income. But, there are other perks, like a (mostly) clean house and dinner on the table when I get home and we have more time to do fun stuff at night than we would otherwise. The plan was always for him to go back once our kid was old enough to not be so freaking expensive to put in daycare, but now... who knows. This set up has just been so nice, we're getting spoiled.

[Northerly]

My wife stays home with our children, and I hope to stay home too in 7 or 8 years. People can adapt to anything, but I don't think the long term effects of a day orphanage are beneficial to the nuclear family, or to our overall social fabric. Stay if you can!

[meandmyfamily]

You are not alone!  I have been a SAHM for 11 years now to our 4 children.  I highly recommend it!  Listen to your gut!! 
I love this article but it isn't your exact situation. 

http://www.psychowith6.com/why-i-wasted-my-education-to-homeschool/#sthash.mtUxWwUZ.nBQLUgEG.dpbs

[SilveradoBojangles]

My best friend has a 9 month old, and went back full time when she was 4 months old. She has said that she thinks her baby is happier in day care (she works close by and visits her to breast feed during the day) than when than when she stays home for the day with either parent, because there is so much more going on. She needs a lot of stimulation, apparently.

I think if you want to stay home you should stay home. Many women don't have that luxury and have to go back to work (my mom certainly did, though she would have loved to stay home with us- we turned out ok though :-)). If you can swing it, then do it. My one worry about leaving the work force would be that should something happen to my partner it would be much harder for me to get a job again.

[apennysaved]

I walked away from a 6 figure income to be a SAHM.  I was on track to be a controller/CFO and didn't think I would ever want to be a SAHM.  I worked full time for a year when my daughter was born (sometimes as many as 100 hour weeks).  I couldn't take it & yes I was one of those moms pumping at work & sometimes during my car commute.  Fortunately, at this point my boss and I worked out a part-time job (3 days a week) which I did for two more years. Since I had the job for about 8 years at this point, the company knew I was responsible & accountable.  During this time we had an excellent nanny.  But, after two miscarriages trying to have a second child, I decided to leave the work behind and spend time with the daughter that we already had.  Fortunately, we were able to have a second child. Now I have my real estate license and do about one deal a month.  It allows me to spend time with my children, but still feel like I have some sort of career.  I hope that you find the balance that you want as I have been very fortunate in finding mine. 

[KCM5]

My wife stays home with our children, and I hope to stay home too in 7 or 8 years. People can adapt to anything, but I don't think the long term effects of a day orphanage are beneficial to the nuclear family, or to our overall social fabric. Stay if you can!

I don't think calling it a day orphanage is accurate or necessary.

[firelight]

Another young mom chiming in. We live in bay area, another HCOL area. We have an eight month old and I spent half my pregnancy worried about the same questions you are having. This whole thing is hard but gets easier as you get closer to one year and baby starts sleeping full nights.

After all the discussions and research, we decided our baby was too small to start daycare before six months. So we hired a nanny and tried to work from home as much as possible. We had nanny cam installed and that helped me a lot with the leaving baby for 7 hours part.

At six months, we tried daycare part time for a few days. It was one of the best, very close to my work, etc etc and the owner was very sweet. However we still felt our baby wasn't ready (our doctor said babies need lot of interaction with other kids and we need to think of daycare starting at eight months) and chose to send her at one year old. We extended nanny and try to work from home half the time (me two days, husband two days).

We are going to try daycare in October. If she can't adjust or we feel she is better off at home, we're going to do changes accordingly.

The reason I gave what worked for us was it was so different than what we had planned (I was one of the moms that was so sure I'll put my baby in at three months). So follow your heart about what it says.

That said, try for a lighter load at work or part time if possible. It would feel like all you do is work or baby care or house chores. But it gets better as you learn to prioritize.

BTW lot of people hate pumping but I like it. True it's no substitute for my baby but it gives me half hour breaks to relax at work. It's the one time when I can catch up on Facebook or random browse the net without any guilt or worries. Once you get the hang of it, pumping becomes very easy.

Kids are super resilient. Research shows that care situations don't matter as long as kids get quality time with parents. Even if you stay home, you would be getting 40 hours more with your kid, 70% of which would go on feeding them, getting them to sleep or changing diapers. The rest 30% can be gotten by working parents on weekends. So whether you go to work or stay home, both would work out fine.

[okits]

Since you're looking at a career shift anyway, can you stay home to care for your baby a bit longer than the standard three months?

At three months I wouldn't have felt baby was ready for daycare.  Luckily, in Canada you get 50 weeks of leave, and by the end my daughter was getting bored with me and the activities I took her to - she took to daycare quickly and loves all the toys, other little kids, and the care providers.

No matter how many weeks of family leave you get I think parents often 1) dread returning to work and 2) cry when baby goes to daycare.

I feel for you.  The issue you're struggling with is common but difficult, nonetheless.

[Healthandwealth]

Only want to say I understand your feelings. It's heartbreaking. I had sleepless nights at that time because I did not want to bring my baby but I had no alternative at that time.

May be this helps a little: as soon as a kid is about 1,5 years old it gets easier because they can enjoy the play and the other kids.

Wish you all the best.

[CanuckExpat]

First off, congratulations on your new (or soon to be new one).

I know this is a hard decision to come to. Just accept that you don't know the answer yet, and that you will figure out what works best for you (and that may change over time).

It sounds like you are worried about three months because that is the amount of leave you have. Is that assuming only FMLA or does your company also offer any longer period of optional leave, use of vacation days, etc? It sounds like you have a partner, are they eligible for FMLA and/or any kind of leave as well? That may allow you stretch the period until you have to make a child care decision off further, if it helps.

Second, and I hope this doesn't come off abrupt, but I wasn't sure if I fully understood which part of the decision you are struggling so much. When I read your post, it sound like you personally wanted to stay at home, and that also made the most financial sense for you. If that's the case which part is the dilemma? It sounds like a win-win. I was trying to make sure I understood your post correctly.

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

Everyone's sweet spot is different. I was at home for a few years--but my kids started part-time day care at 11 months and 7 months respectively because I was in a degree program. (I used to pay $92.50 per day for the two of them and they were sooo happy at their center, which was on the boarding school campus where we lived. Lucky me!) But for the little one, I was unable to pump and he weaned to formula. (That might have happened anyway as there were other signs of low supply.)

Now, I work part-time. I love my job and I love that I can take my kids to library story time in the morning or go to "field day."

Other end of the spectrum, I have a friend who went back to work full-time when baby was six weeks old. She successfully breastfed for a full year and was quite happy with her decision. Gotta go with your gut.

[Gin1984]

thank you everyone for the support...it really does make me feel less alone in this. 

PT may work for us if my husband can arrange to work from home 1 day a week or my mom can come watch the baby (she lives an hour away but has been toying with reducing her work hours since she's in her mid 60s and absolutely loves taking care of her grandbabies).

i have no idea how breastfeeding moms manage the transition that early...many of the women i know ended up quitting BF sooner than they wanted because they just simply couldn't pump every 2-3 hours at work and still go to all their meetings, get everything done, and get out of there in time to pickup the baby from daycare. this is concerning for me, as i really want to try to follow the WHO breastfeeding guidelines (6mo+) if possible.

i agree that having leave plans like those available in other nations would make this decision much much easier. if parents just had more time to adjust and get the baby off on the right foot, maybe everyone would be better off.

the entire comment about whether or not I want the lives of the women around me is a great point. last year I had a really serious health scare, and let me tell you, sitting waiting for MRI results as doctors check for signs of a brain tumor, will definitely change your perspective on life a little bit. i realized that i didn't know one high-flyer whose life i wanted. in fact, the idea of waking up 15 years from now and sitting in their position actually scared the crap out of me. these people are absolutely brilliant and amazing, but the stress and the constant racing for prestige and the pressure to continuously do more, be more, offer more was terrifying.

I pumped till eleven months, it is workable, if your spouse puts in as much effort as you do.  I did not pick up my daughter or drop her off as much as my husband so I could either stay late or arrive early and be able to pump. 
Seriously, do what you want but please stop insulting other parents that chose other decisions.  My daughter got quite a bit of socialization at daycare and they did all the recommended things like tummy time.

[Jen]

It really is a tough decision, and there are definitely benefits and drawbacks of either choice (assuming the daycare you pick is of good quality).  I also work in a professional field where billable hours mean that people generally work far in excess of a typical workweek.  I chose to go back to work part-time (3 days a week), which cut my salary significantly and has slowed my promotion path considerably.  However, I made a great salary before, so even with the pay cut, it is still pretty good, and I love having the extra time with my son.  I was able to stay home for six months before going back - although my firm allows for this, very few women take advantage of it because of the fear of losing clients, etc.  I just decided I didn't care that much, and it really hasn't been a big deal anyway.  We found a daycare that we really like, and my son enjoys the social interaction three days a week.  Although it has slowed my career, it's nice to still have a place in the field, and after getting used to being away from my son a few days a week, I actually do enjoy the adult interaction quite a bit.  If part-time work is an option for you, I'd recommend looking into it.  But no matter what you end up deciding (and I recommend a "wait and see" approach rather than quitting before the baby is born), the most important thing is to own your choice.  There will always be imperfect days, but if you put care and thought into your decisions, I'm sure you and your child will both thrive. 

[Milizard]

+1 on the wait and see approach

After my first was born, I was bored while on maternity leave.  I missed the adult interaction.  I found a wonderful SAHM to watch my son for the first couple of months after I went back to work, and then I found an awesome lady who was starting a daycare in her home after the SAHM decided to go back to work.  Since she was just starting, my son got a ton of one-on-one and one-on-two time.  She's now like a second mom to both my kids.  Since my DH and I are older and introverts, she's been a great balance by having a more energetic, outgoing personality with them than we ever could.  Of course, YMMV, but I feel that my boys are better for being in daycare.  I do understand your misgivings, however, as we needed a few days of substitute care last summer.  We asked out neighbor, who has had a daycare for 30 years to watch them.  I'll just say, I think the lady is a little nuts, and we are not using her any more. 

[mrsggrowsveg]

I totally understand your struggle.  I am expecting my second child in a few months and my first is in daycare.  I went back when he was only six weeks old (he had 4 weeks split between my husband and mom also).  I was new at my job, had loads of student debt and it just made sense to go back quickly.  Bringing a young infant to daycare was really hard for me for many reasons.  I would visit him at lunch and there were often several infants crying and not enough teachers to go around.  Also, the teachers were great but didn't do things the same way I would have liked to do them.  I felt bad that my child wasn't being cared for the same way I would care for him.  This may have been different if I had gone with a nanny or a home daycare.  On the flipside, I felt a little depressed during my maternity leave.  Going back to work made me feel so much better.  I also found it much easier to be patient with my son for the last 2.5 years because I wasn't constantly with him.  My son has thrived in daycare and truly enjoys it.  There are still days when he clings to me and doesn't want me to leave, but the same days he also doesn't want to come home because he is having so much fun.

With this baby, I am going to be staying home full time for at least the first year.  It feels like the best decision for our family at this time.  After a year, if I don't like it I will go back to work.

[historienne]

May be this helps a little: as soon as a kid is about 1,5 years old it gets easier because they can enjoy the play and the other kids.

For us it was even sooner.  I'd say by 8 months, I would have felt fine sending her to daycare.  We actually sent her at 11 months, and she was plenty happy.  Babies change so fast.  Now, at 21 months, she LOVES going to play with all her friends at daycare.

In your shoes, I would suck up the cost of a nanny (or nanny share) for about six months, if that's remotely feasible.  Quitting your job will have a much bigger financial impact in the long haul than six months of expensive childcare.  In six months, I suspect that you will either feel much better about sending your kid to daycare, or you will know clearly that you do want to stay at home.

[Argyle]

I don't know if there's a consensus about infant daycare.  Obviously you want a daycare that's responsible and responsive.  I'm sure there's a consensus about that.  But my experience was that our baby didn't really show any special recognition of anyone until around six months old.  I know this flies in the face of maternal-bonding lore -- "You have a special tie, you are your baby's world, he dotes on you alone" — but that simply wasn't what I observed.  He seemed to be happy and do well with anyone who showed caring and competence, and didn't favor anyone especially until later.  At around six months you could tell he was more at ease with people who were familiar to him.  Because we had a SAHP (we switched off), he didn't go to daycare till he was around 18 months old, but when he did go he loved it (so many toys! other kids to play with!) and would ask to go on days he wasn't scheduled to. 

But your first few months with an infant will show how you take to it.  Some people love it, some are happy for that phase to end.  If you're one of the latter, I personally wouldn't worry that a good daycare is a bad choice.  Remember that in traditional societies, the baby got passed around (even nursed by other women — valuable for the baby's immune system).  There wasn't this one-baby-one-mother-all-the-time ideal going on. That's only a product of the last hundred years or so of human history.

[poppi4]

I totally understand how you're feeling!   As we've been talking about having kids, I've always wondered how I could possibly leave a 3month old in daycare.    I know that tons of people do it, it works for them, and there's no research to show that it has negative effects on the child but for me, that's always been a stumbling block.  Now we're expecting our first in December and we've made the decision that I will stay home for 6-12 months to get to a point where I'm more comfortable leaving the baby in daycare.     Luckily, we have the savings to be able to make that work - it sounds like the financial side isn't as much an issue for you either.   

Don't let the career monsters scare you into feeling like taking a step back will destroy your career.   There's so much concerning information out there about how you're going to ruin your career & you'll never get back to where you were before, yada ydada....   I have a much more financially lucrative career and more future earning potential than my husband so this was a major concern for us.  Before we made the decision for me to step back, I talked with a lot of professional contacts (mentors, friends, etc) about it.      Everyone I talked to said that taking a short time (1-3years) off would NOT affect their hiring decision at all and strongly recommended that I do it.   One of the best tidbits I heard was something along the lines of:  "We just look for talented people and everyone has a story.  As long as your story shows thoughtfulness and responsibility, it's a positive not a negative during interviewing".  Also,   every single one of the moms I talked to, including a couple of C-level execs, said they wished they took more time off.  All that being said, I do plan on picking up some consulting work here & there just to keep my contacts fresh and make the transition back in easier.   

I still do have days where I panic about not being able to find another job when I want to go back or needing to take a significant step back (and pay cut) to get back in.   Or maybe I won't ever want to go back and then what?    Or maybe I'll hate being home with a baby... Or maybe my husband will lose his job... Or maybe... (we'll just chalk all that up to pregnancy hormones and move on)

[Merrie]

I planned to work part-time after having my daughter. My hours were and are irregular and variable. We cobbled together care from an arrangement of my husband tweaking his working hours (he was able to work from home a lot as a college teacher), my mom (intermittently reliable), and after a while a sitter. It was always stressful, my husband was trying to cram in work wherever he could, and I was always worried that the sitter or my mom would get sick and we'd be left in the lurch. Around the time she turned 2 we found a part-time day care near us that let you schedule your own hours. Win! We started to send her there 1-2 days a week and she really enjoyed it and it allayed my fears about care falling through on us.

Then the punchline is that my husband lost his job right around the time our second child was born. It doesn't make financial sense for him to go back as an adjunct professor, so for the time being he is a SAHD and I work full-time. Would he have done better in his job and gotten a permanent position if we'd been willing to make more use of other caregivers and consequently he had had more uninterrupted time to work? Possibly. Who knows.

It was nice to not have my baby in day care but it was also stressful. If I could do it over, I'd try to get her in some kind of care a little more to take the stress off us. Being a total SAHM was not an option financially and I would have gone bananas being at home all the time.

It is also nice now to never have to worry about who is watching the kids, though it came at the cost of my husband's career advancement.

Everything has pros and cons, you know? You have to do what works for your family. If you are ready to take a career pause and reevaluate, this might be a good time for it. In six months or a year you may have a better idea of what you want.

And for the record, I pumped at work with both kids up to a year or close to a year, and it did pretty much totally suck. I'd do it again but it's definitely one of my least favorite parts of having babies.

[Meggslynn]

I think the longer you can wait to put your baby in childcare the better. I read probably about ten different studies on the effects of childcare versus staying home with parents on children before I went back to work and I found the majority said that if you can wait till they are mobile (crawling/walking) it is best. The studies also said that there is absolutely NO harmful or negative effects of putting kids in quality childcare at the appropriate ages versus staying home. Some actually recommended it. I talked to a friend who has his masters in child psychology and he agreed. I also talked to a friend who was a kindergarten teacher and she said that kids who were in childcare before kindergarten were much easier as they followed rules well and caught on quickly (disclosure - she said it evens out in grade two, roughly, regardless).

We put our son in childcare part time when he was 9 months and then full time when he turned a year. He is now 3.5 and is such a wonderful and happy boy.  We keep to 8/9 hours in childcare each day. Yes sometimes I feel guilty but I see how excited he is to see his friends each day and to tell me about all the awesome things he did that day and it helps a lot. Sometimes it is hard as I am the only one I know in my circle of friends and family who is a full time working mother but I absolutely make the best of it. I try to provide my son with lots of experiences and we will be fully funding his post-secondary education (with some stipulations on responsibility). Our son also has 100% of our attention when we are home. Soon as we got home from pick up we are in the backyard playing in the sandpit for an hour before dinner has to be made. Our pretending to be transformers, dinosaurs, etc. After dinner we go for a walk and have races or hide behind bushes and scare one another.

Its a hard decision. One that I feel very few people have reached the ultimate win-win.

[Gin1984]

I think the longer you can wait to put your baby in childcare the better. I read probably about ten different studies on the effects of childcare versus staying home with parents on children before I went back to work and I found the majority said that if you can wait till they are mobile (crawling/walking) it is best. The studies also said that there is absolutely NO harmful or negative effects of putting kids in quality childcare at the appropriate ages versus staying home. Some actually recommended it. I talked to a friend who has his masters in child psychology and he agreed. I also talked to a friend who was a kindergarten teacher and she said that kids who were in childcare before kindergarten were much easier as they followed rules well and caught on quickly (disclosure - she said it evens out in grade two, roughly, regardless).

We put our son in childcare part time when he was 9 months and then full time when he turned a year. He is now 3.5 and is such a wonderful and happy boy.  We keep to 8/9 hours in childcare each day. Yes sometimes I feel guilty but I see how excited he is to see his friends each day and to tell me about all the awesome things he did that day and it helps a lot. Sometimes it is hard as I am the only one I know in my circle of friends and family who is a full time working mother but I absolutely make the best of it. I try to provide my son with lots of experiences and we will be fully funding his post-secondary education (with some stipulations on responsibility). Our son also has 100% of our attention when we are home. Soon as we got home from pick up we are in the backyard playing in the sandpit for an hour before dinner has to be made. Our pretending to be transformers, dinosaurs, etc. After dinner we go for a walk and have races or hide behind bushes and scare one another.

Its a hard decision. One that I feel very few people have reached the ultimate win-win.

I'd like the citations for those studies, given in my research I never saw anything like that.

[NorCal]

First off, there is no "right answer".  This is a very personal choice that only you can make for yourself.  Anyone who claims they have the best or only way is a fool that should be ignored.

Here's my personal advice based on my experience.  We put our daughter in daycare at 6 months, and have been at the same daycare center for almost 1.5 years now.

My points, in no particular order:

1.  Don't stress so much.  There are tons of highly successful well adjusted adults that started at daycare.  And there are tons of highly successful well adjusted adults that had a SAHM.  The overall impact of your choice at this stage in life will have such a small bearing on their 20 year old self that it wouldn't be measurable.

2.  Proximity to work/daycare will make a huge difference in your ability to juggle work, daycare, and family.  My families arrangement works well because my daughters daycare and my work are no more than a 10 minute drive.  My wife has a 30-40 minute commute, so I end up doing more kid drop-off/pick-up duties.  Having at least one parent in close proximity makes it a LOT easier, and makes the days shorter for the kid.

3.  We were initially skeptical about a daycare's ability to handle our daughter with care, the same way you are now.  We have been pleasantly surprised the whole way by the professionalism and caring we found at the daycare center.  Maybe we just got lucky, but the teachers are wonderful, and our daughter is well looked after.  Everyone there (even the Pre-K kids) knows our daughter by name and they look out for her.

4. Once our daughter was a bit older (9-12 months), the socialization aspect started to show.  It's amazing how much she learns both from the teachers and from the other kids.  In fact, I think she picks up a lot more from the other kids than she does from adults.  Other than a few biting incidents (being the biter and bitee), I am more glad than ever that my daughter is surrounded by kids her age.

Best of luck making your decision.  Most importantly, remember that there is no "right" decision.  You will have a wonderful, happy, and successful baby regardless of the daycare decision.

[Pigeon]

I agree with NorCal.  We did daycare for our two and it worked out beautifully.  Wouldn't change a thing.

[zsmith]

I'm also on maternity leave and thinking ahead to returning to work. I love my daughter, but I also really enjoy my job and am looking forward to returning to the challenge. I am just treasuring the time I have with her now and know that my husband and I will make the most of all the time we have with her once we are both back at work. We are in a slightly different situation, while I'm going back to work after 3.5 months, my husband is taking two weeks to help me with the transition back to work.

After that time, we will put her in daycare and are looking into a great option right now that I feel very comfortable with. Since my husband works nights, he'll drop her off mid-day and I'll pick her up after work meaning she'll spend probably 6-7 hours each day in daycare. I'm interested in your journey as you make your decision and how it unfolds for you. I did see this article today and found it reassuring and wanted to pass it along.

http://www.inhabitots.com/expansive-study-finds-major-advantages-for-children-of-working-moms/?utm_source=Inhabitots&utm_campaign=497ada8d2f-Inhabitots_Weekly_July_24th7_22_2015&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_e2abd8b8dc-497ada8d2f-207120517

[clairebonk]

If you have daughters, encourage them to go into computer programming or a career with similar flexibility and benefits. I was able to work from home for the first year after childbirth, work any hours during the day/night I wanted, and call into meetings. The salary is great, too.

The struggle of quitting or not was really difficult for me, too. Pleasantly surprisingly, my husband decided to quit his job to be a SAHD. I went down to part time when he went back to work, and our son started at a montessori school after he turned 2. With baby #2 on the way and the husband loving his job, I'm not quite sure what we'll do but it is nice to know that because of our mustachian lifestyle, quitting is always an option.

No matter what choice a family makes, they should choose to speak up about better maternity and paternity benefits in the US because that's the only way we can change the system.

[KS]

Helpful thread! I'm going to be making this decision soon too, so it's always interesting to hear about other people's thought processes and personal experiences. Very envious of all the folks who were able to go part time or work from home, I think that would likely be my ideal once the baby is "old enough" to regularly leave with someone else, whenever my gut may decide that is... Unfortunately harder to come by part time work in my industry, although maybe I just need to dig more, and/or hope my current employer loves me enough they would be willing to make that work if that ends up being what I want to do!

Looks like a few responders from the Bay Area like their daycares, I may be starting a spinoff thread to get recommendations soon. :)

Anyway thanks OP for starting the thread, and you are definitely not alone!

[TheSecondLaw]

I put my career on pause to stay at home very recently. I went back to work and worked out my 2 week's notice a couple of weeks ago. Never in a million years did I think I would some day be a SAHM but I don't regret it at all.

That said if you change your mind and decide that you want to return to work don't feel any guilt! There is nothing wrong with being a working mom!

Either way I felt I had to deal with some loss. Loss of my work friends and certainty with my career path or loss of time with my child. Only you can decide what is best for you and your family.

[NatPatBen]

Just wanted to say this thread caught my eye because today was my 3-month old's first day of daycare. I completely understand the mental struggle.

With our first daughter, now 3.5, my husband stayed home for 1.5 years.  It would make financial sense for him to stay home with both of them, but not emotional sense, so he's working full time. 

I'm still processing my feelings of her being gone all day with people who don't know and love her as much as I do.

[Geostache]

It's an incredibly hard decision to make. I knew that I didn't want to be a SAHM and all that entailed. But the day I dropped my kids off at daycare (they're twins that went to daycare at 13 weeks), I cried for hours. However, to this day, we are better off financially, and our kids have a bond with their first teacher, and everyone in our family is better off for it. It all comes down to a very personal decision, and you have to do what's best for your family.

I've found that as a mother, there will be guilt either way. I second NorCal's response that proximity between work and daycare makes a huge difference. I know that no matter what, during the day, I only have about a mile and a half between myself and the littles, and that makes a huge difference. Even if we're spending time together during the commute, it's time that we have together (especially now that they're older and vocal).

Good luck with the decision.

[2Cent]

If you're not the type of person who requires full privacy and things being done your way, maybe getting an au pair is the solution for you. It is way cheaper than daycare, you get some help around the house, and it could be a nice cultural experience. You have to be a bit lucky though. I heard stories of people having a wonderful time who gained a sort of semi daughter, and I heard stories of girls just sitting in front of the TV and doing nothing all day.

[FLBiker]

It really is a shame that the US makes choices like these so common.

Our daughter is 4 mos, and my wife is staying home with her until ~21 mos.  I stayed home the first month, and have worked PT (2-3 days a week) since then.  I'll be back at FT in October.  We work at a university, so we've got better leave.  All of my leave is "unpaid" but I could use sick leave (which I had enough of) so it ended up being paid.  My wife is on a 9 mos contract -- she used sick leave to finish the spring, gets a paid semester (fall) and is taking next spring and fall (so back in Jan 2017) unpaid.  Our department is really supportive.

We thought about having a full-time SAHP indefinitely, but I think I'm more interested and, financially, that doesn't work for us.  After 21 mos., my wife will have to work for a year (otherwise, we need to pay back the paid semester) but after that, if she wanted to stay home, I'm totally game.  It would slow our retirement plans, but that isn't the priority.

[hunniebun]

Congrats! You are entering such an exciting time!  I hope that the comments so far have helped you to see that there is no right or wrong decision and only you (and to some extent your dh) can know what is best for your baby and situation.  It is good to have a general plan going into it, but your feelings might change after your baby arrives.   So experienced so many unexpected things (health issues etc.) and feelings (depression) in that first year after each child that I could not have imagined or planned for in a million years. I think the best advice is to be open and flexible/adaptable. 

[mm1970]

This isn’t just about finances but…

I am really, REALLY struggling with the concept of putting a 3 month old infant in daycare.  I live in an affluent part of the northeast where all the women at my workplace immediately put their 3mo or 6mo infants in center or nanny care and returned to work FT (or almost FT). Having the baby, taking your FMLA, and then immediately getting back to the career grindstone are the standard steps for any woman who wants to be “successful.” Care centers here range from $2000-3000 per month for an infant (6 weeks through 14-18 months). Nannies can’t be had for less than $15/hour.  Home based centers are a more economical option, but finding truly objective and sufficient reviews has been difficult. With my commute and work hours, the baby would have a 10-11 hour daycare day.

I have my masters in the social sciences and after reviewing the scientific literature and the opinions of many different psychologists and individuals in the daycare industry, I just don’t know if I’m convinced that there is nothing detrimental about leaving particularly young infants in care 10-12 hours a day, 5 days a week. There is just no way that a center caregiver with 3-4 infants can keep all of them clean, fed and burped without some serious shortcuts on tummy time and other individualized stimulation. I also struggle with the idea that you can work in a demanding job, with long hours and a long commute and still be your best self for the 1-2 precious hours a day you get to spend with your baby (on top of cooking, cleaning and other life activities). Add this to the fact that high quality care in a center or with a nanny would eat up close to or more than 100% of my take home pay, and you have a less than ideal scenario.

Every time I try to talk to the other professional women in my workplace, I hear the same thing: “oh you get used to it”, “it’s only really expensive for the first couple years”, “the babies are socialized better there than they would be with me”, “of course family is the number one priority but it’s important not to sideline your career.” Most of these women make six figure salaries not including their partners’ high incomes, so $3000 a month is very do-able for them. Only a couple of brave young moms have admitted that they hate being away from their babies so long, and that they don’t think working is worth it right now, but that they just couldn’t see a way around it financially.

Right now we are deciding between me working part time and being a full time SAHM once the baby arrives. FT work just isn’t worth it financially or emotionally to justify the sheer amount of time the baby will be in care. PT work might not even be worth it if we are still spending $1000+/month to manage it. Ontop of everything else, I’ve definitely maxed out my growth at my current workplace and am looking into switching careers to something more fulfilling.

I guess I’m not really looking for advice, more just an affirmation that I’m not alone in this very sad sort of dilemma…

It is a sad dilemma.

Full disclosure: I am a full time working mom of two kids.

I went back to work full time at 13 weeks after my first.

I was sick for all but 30 days out of 5 straight months that winter.

I cut to 30 hours a week from age 18 mos to 3 years.  Then went full time again.

I went back to work 32 hours a week, at 11 weeks, with my second.  Did that for a year.

Working full time sucks. It's frankly exhausting.  I have nothing good to say about trying to balance full time work and children.  I'd prefer part time, but my industry (engineering) is very antagonistic towards it and it's difficult to get that gig.

That said, my options were different than yours.

First of all, my husband and I split drop off and pick up.  So when they were babies (under 1 year old), my kids were in childcare for about 8 hours a day (or less, for the second one).  Even after, it was never more than 9 hours.  When my husband traveled, I simply didn't work a full day.  I did drop off and pick up and only worked about 7 hours.

I cannot imagine 10-12.  I would not have chosen to do that.  Personally, I think that's too much. 

Also, I used home child care, the first came highly recommended, and the second is a very good friend.

[Cassie]

My kids are long grown but I stayed home, we were frugal & lived just fine on one income.  I stayed home until my youngest went to school f.t. I don't regret it for 1 minute. I then resumed my career.   When you have a baby & work f.t. by the time you get home you are all exhausted yet you still have to eat, etc.  YOu actually spend very little time with the baby before you are in bed & starting all over. If you could work p.t. that would be excellent. Kids grow fast & the time will fly by. Once kids are in school they are busy too & do not need you as much. Please listen to your heart:))

[Goldielocks]

It's a personal choice, and I have run the gamut of care choices, so have some perspective.

The one thing that is common -- only leave your child with someone you ABSOLUTELY trust the first couple of weeks if / when you go back to work.  This could be your partner, parent, friend, or even a service/nanny that you are really happy with.

The second comment -- I found a live in nanny for my second child, and it was about the same cost as child care.  She held my son when he was little about 4 hours a day, and constantly talked to him/interacted as they were going about the day.  The exact opposite of your concerns.

[ltt]

I have not read through all these posts.  I left the workforce many years ago and have never regretted it.  I've always found it interesting the need to "be" or "determine" successful and that usually includes the female in the home having a career.  Working outside of the home is equal to being successful??  Isn't it sad that this is what our culture has become?  My guess is that the majority of those "driven" females are not wanting to sacrifice.

There are only so many hours in the day and there is always plenty to do at home, even when the kids reach school age.  The mindset has not changed in this regard either.  People usually think that once kids are in school all of this free time magically appears.  It doesn't---it gets busier.

Daycare providers are not "mom."  They will never take care of a child like the child's own mother.

 

[mm1970]

I have not read through all these posts.  I left the workforce many years ago and have never regretted it.  I've always found it interesting the need to "be" or "determine" successful and that usually includes the female in the home having a career.  Working outside of the home is equal to being successful??  Isn't it sad that this is what our culture has become?  My guess is that the majority of those "driven" females are not wanting to sacrifice.

There are only so many hours in the day and there is always plenty to do at home, even when the kids reach school age.  The mindset has not changed in this regard either.  People usually think that once kids are in school all of this free time magically appears.  It doesn't---it gets busier.

Daycare providers are not "mom."  They will never take care of a child like the child's own mother.

I don't necessarily think there is one way to define success - not at all.

That said, I love my career. I've been working hard at it for much longer than I've been a parent.  From studying in high school, college, Navy, going to grad school at nights, to various jobs at large companies and start up companies.  It's part of who I am.  It's NO DIFFERENT than any man who has worked for a career to support himself and/or a family.

And it's always been that way, you know.

Frankly, I find much of the work at home to be boring and drudgery.  I don't mind a certain amount of it, but I don't want to be doing ALL of it.  For the same reason, I don't want to work  more than 40 hours (or 32, to be honest).  I like variety.  It doesn't matter if I can be "busy" at home, I'd like to be using my engineering degree, thank you very much.  I had my kids at 14 and 20 years into my professional career.

My current daycare provider is a very good friend who is a mother of four herself.  Her kid #2 and kid #4 are my kids' ages.  In many ways she's "better" than "mom" because she has more experience and education in child education AND she's more patient!  She loves my kids and my son (who is 3) NEVER lacked snuggle time as an infant.

I find it interesting that people who judge childcare the harshest are those who HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY USED IT. So they judge without knowledge.

[justajane]

She loves my kids and my son (who is 3) NEVER lacked snuggle time as an infant.

I find it interesting that people who judge childcare the harshest are those who HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY USED IT. So they judge without knowledge.

I agree. My youngest is 15 months and goes to daycare part-time. Many times when I come to pick him up he is sleeping in one of the care-givers arms or being cuddled by them. All three of my kids went to the same facility and were cared for by some of the same care givers. They are like second moms and sometimes second grandmothers, since many of them are in the fifties and sixties. They really care for my kids.

[asiljoy]

She loves my kids and my son (who is 3) NEVER lacked snuggle time as an infant.

I find it interesting that people who judge childcare the harshest are those who HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY USED IT. So they judge without knowledge.

I agree. My youngest is 15 months and goes to daycare part-time. Many times when I come to pick him up he is sleeping in one of the care-givers arms or being cuddled by them. All three of my kids went to the same facility and were cared for by some of the same care givers. They are like second moms and sometimes second grandmothers, since many of them are in the fifties and sixties. They really care for my kids.

It's awesome that you've been able to find such a place. We've just never been able to. Places here required I reserved a spot before I was pregnant or are so expensive that they just aren't a practical option for us. Really looking forward to preschool!

[justajane]

She loves my kids and my son (who is 3) NEVER lacked snuggle time as an infant.

I find it interesting that people who judge childcare the harshest are those who HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY USED IT. So they judge without knowledge.

I agree. My youngest is 15 months and goes to daycare part-time. Many times when I come to pick him up he is sleeping in one of the care-givers arms or being cuddled by them. All three of my kids went to the same facility and were cared for by some of the same care givers. They are like second moms and sometimes second grandmothers, since many of them are in the fifties and sixties. They really care for my kids.

It's awesome that you've been able to find such a place. We've just never been able to. Places here required I reserved a spot before I was pregnant or are so expensive that they just aren't a practical option for us. Really looking forward to preschool!

It is likely that this is because it is a part-time facility. I don't imagine there are many grandmas who want to work full-time childcare jobs in facilities, but 15 hours a week at a Parent's Day Out? Probably. Plus, with older care givers there is likely less turnover than you would have with younger caregivers. Some of the women at this place have been there twenty or more years. Sometimes our facility has college students who are working on education or child development degrees, and they only stay a few years.

[historienne]

I have not read through all these posts.  I left the workforce many years ago and have never regretted it.  I've always found it interesting the need to "be" or "determine" successful and that usually includes the female in the home having a career.  Working outside of the home is equal to being successful??  Isn't it sad that this is what our culture has become?  My guess is that the majority of those "driven" females are not wanting to sacrifice.

There are only so many hours in the day and there is always plenty to do at home, even when the kids reach school age.  The mindset has not changed in this regard either.  People usually think that once kids are in school all of this free time magically appears.  It doesn't---it gets busier.

Daycare providers are not "mom."  They will never take care of a child like the child's own mother.

Can we not start the mommy wars here?  There are plenty of places on the internet that I can go to see mothers judging each others' choices.  I'd strongly prefer that this forum not join them.

There are good and bad daycares; there are also good and bad stay at home parents (note the gender-neutral wording - fathers can and do choose to stay home as well).  My kid goes to a great daycare, and neither my husband or I are particularly suited to be stay at home parents to a toddler.  I am happy to acknowledge that there are kid/parent combos where the best choice is for a parent to stay at home; I only ask that other parents acknowledge the same for my family and the choices that we have made.  It is absolutely possible to have a civil conversation about the pros and cons of various childcare options without insinuating that those of us who use daycare are somehow less than real parents.