Author Topic: Self Care  (Read 7507 times)

Slow&Steady

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Self Care
« on: May 21, 2019, 03:02:57 PM »
I need ideas for self care.  DH and I are not in a good place right now and I am really stressed out. Our therapist has given me the homework of "extreme self care", my problems:

If it takes away from time with the kids (1 & 5, the 14 year old would be happy with less MOM time) I feel extreme guilt because I already miss so much of the day with them.  I leave for work before they wake up and only usually get 2-3 hours with them in the evening before bedtime.

If I have to get up earlier or go to bed later I will not be able to function very well at work.

If I have to spend money I would rather pay down debt, add to savings, or spend in on family stuff.

cloudsail

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2019, 03:11:25 PM »
What are your options for childcare? Do you have family or friends, or do you have to hire a babysitter?

Parizade

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2019, 03:22:25 PM »
If you can find 15 minutes you can do one of these free guided meditations
Free guided meditations

Can you go for a walk over lunch?
Can you listen to soothing music while you work? Load it onto your smarphone and plug in ear buds.
Can you call a friend and just talk for a few minutes?
Can you drop the kids at the grandparents for an afternoon so you can take a nap?

just a few thoughts

Kmp2

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2019, 04:08:16 PM »
A cup of tea, a bath, a book, a walk/run/bike outside, time in nature, a splash in a puddle, good'ole'movies that make you cry and laugh at the same time, stitch and b*tch with friends... self care need not cost a lot, or even take much time.  My self care is my bike, I need to be outside, and active to be mentally healthy. To fit it in (I have a 1,3 and 6 year old) I bike to the store, or to work, or to my kids soccer whatever trip makes sense that week. I'm outside in rain, snow and sun, and usually it's an activity I do with my kids.

Practice letting go of things, of mom guilt, of chores, of home cooked meals, of clean floors - whatever! But expect less, do less, and be more, breathe. And I mean practice, because we're not good at self care, it takes time to learn it for you especially if your out of practice.

Hugs, be kind to your self.

 


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Re: Self Care
« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2019, 08:22:08 PM »
Going for a walk at any opportunity during the workday, helped me significantly.

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #5 on: May 21, 2019, 09:22:43 PM »
Could you “hire” your 14 year old to take on more of the household work? They like to make money at that age and if they take some of the chores you usually do, maybe you can find 10-20 minutes after the little ones go to sleep to take a walk or read a book or chat with a friend etc.

MrsPB

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #6 on: May 22, 2019, 04:35:41 AM »
I’m in a similar place right now. 2 young kids, work full time and my partner travels for work, often over the entire weekend causing me to be burnt out. We have no family remotely close so I’m on my own. Self care is so hard. Here are some things I do:
-Buy nice tea bags or coffee (for making at home) so you feel like they are treats. One day a week get a nice take out coffee/tea or treat yourself to take out lunch at work.
-Buy some nice candles and bubble bath so that when you do get a bath, it feels more luxurious.
-Find a couple of guilty pleasure tv shows you can watch to zone out/laugh at etc.
-find some little snacks/treats that are just for you that you can have at work or after the kids are in bed. I like individually wrapped ones, they just feel more special.
-book a vacation day and take the day alone, do not keep the kids home. This one was hard for me the first time I did it, so much so that I went to pick up my kids at lunchtime from daycare! But now I realize I need that time to be a better parent to them. A stressed mom is not good. On these occasional days I will try to nap, watch tv, etc. Just chill out and not have to respond to anyone’s needs. It’s hard because I want to use my vacation for actual vacation and family time but this is what I need to do for self care since I can’t get a break at weekends when I am alone with the kids.
Basically, try to elevate the mundane as much as you can. If you can’t carve out a lot of personal time, these things can help.

Try to look at your self care as essential for your whole family. You are the core, of you are suffering then everyone is. Put on your own oxygen mask first.



Slow&Steady

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #7 on: May 22, 2019, 06:55:45 AM »
What are your options for childcare? Do you have family or friends, or do you have to hire a babysitter?

Kids go to daycare during the day.  DH does pick up and drop offs so they are at home by the time I get home from work.  Family does not live near by, we do have an old daycare teacher that we love and is willing to babysit if needed.

Can you go for a walk over lunch?
Can you listen to soothing music while you work? Load it onto your smarphone and plug in ear buds.
Can you call a friend and just talk for a few minutes?
Can you drop the kids at the grandparents for an afternoon so you can take a nap?

just a few thoughts

I have gone for a walk during lunch a few times, with nicer weather that might be more of an option.
Music at work is a good suggestion.
I generally talk to a close friend on my commute, it helps but that doesn't feel like self care all the time
Grandparents (family) are not close enough to help.

"Let go of the mom guilt", "Put on your own oxygen mask first" are things I have heard a lot lately.  Maybe I need to start listening.

Off to dig my headphones out of my bag and plan on taking a walk during lunch, thank you for the suggestions!

Freedomin5

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #8 on: May 22, 2019, 07:12:35 AM »
Sometimes self care is not about adding things to your life (even if they are good things); sometimes self care is about subtracting unnecessary or stressful but ultimately unimportant things from your life.

Sibley

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #9 on: May 22, 2019, 07:20:10 AM »
This is extreme, but your therapist said extreme.

Leave. You are going to leave the house for a minimum of 2 days. Sans kids. Go visit family or friends, or just stay in a hotel in town. Doesn't matter. But leave normal life behind for a few days.

Kids will survive. You will survive. Husband will survive. House will survive. EVERYONE will survive. And if your therapist said you need extreme self care, then that tells me you're actually in pretty bad shape and you really, really need to make a dramatic change.

You CAN NOT be a good mom if you're falling apart.

MrsPB

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #10 on: May 22, 2019, 08:31:22 AM »
I Agree with pp, you are in a health crisis. You need to spend some money on your own care and health here and now or you won’t be working due to stress soon. Small self care can take the edge off but bigger changes may be needed in the short term. Can you reduce hours at work for a while? I know not all employers are open to this but it’s worth investigating. Can you have one evening a week where you are out of the home doing something nurturing like a class? Your husband can take care of the kids for one night a week. It’s so hard to put yourself first as a mother, I have a hard time too. Try to let go of the thought that your health is not a worthy expense.

mm1970

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #11 on: May 22, 2019, 11:17:34 AM »
What is your schedule like?  I've had periods where I need extreme self care too.  Sometimes I neglected it so much that I got bronchitis and was taken down and out for an entire month.

Here's what I do (my kids are now 6 and 13, but I started this when the little one was 1)
- Go to bed at 8:30.  This means my husband puts them to bed, and I'm asleep first.  NotSorry.
- Read for 10 min before going to sleep.
- Wake up at 5 am.  Exercise a few times a week.  Running, swimming, lifting.  Whatever burns off stress.
- Lunch walks at work, at least 3x a week.  Reduces stress.
- 15-20 minutes after dinner crocheting, drinking tea, or reading.
- 20 min of yoga in the morning

Also kid things that can reduce my stress:
- snuggles and reading
- card games

General household things:
- Lots of healthy food, but some of it pre-prepared.

Slow&Steady

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #12 on: May 22, 2019, 11:51:29 AM »
I had not really considered a trip/leaving for a couple days.  I travel for work and although not having to do baths/bedtimes/etc for a few nights is a nice a change of pace I usually spend too much time wishing that I was home to actually find it relaxing.

Schedule

5:00-5:30 Out of bed
6:00-6:30 Leave the house
7:00-7:30 Get to work
16:30 Leave work
17:30-18:00 Get Home (I need to reduce my commute)
19:30 Baths
20:00 Bedtime for 1 year old
21:00 Bedtime for 5 year old
22:00 Bedtime for me

I am also working on getting my Master's so that school work either happens at work (when things are slow) or after the kids are in bed.

Slow&Steady

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #13 on: May 22, 2019, 12:03:01 PM »
Cutting hours and changing jobs (unless it has a similar compensation) are not the most feasible options at the moment but they are the biggest thing I am working towards.  The position I am hoping to get a 2nd interview for would cut my commute in half and change that work schedule to 7:00-15:30 (on most days). I would leave the house at a similar time but could be home by 16:00, or I could go to the gym for an hour and still get home earlier than I do currently.

Spoiler: show
The reason DH and I are not doing so hot right now is that I have recently discovered that he has a shopping/spending addiction that he has been very good a hiding for over a decade but it has finally bit him in the a**. I am the primary breadwinner/insurance provider so I need to maintain my income where is it to make sure that all our family needs are met while he works through therapy and cleaning up his mess

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #14 on: May 22, 2019, 12:13:55 PM »
Looks like you have a long commute, what do you do on your commute? If you're driving, can you put on podcasts instead of listening to morning radio? I find that listening to funny podcasts helps my day start off better.

Can you meet up with a friend for lunch every other week? It doesn't have to be the same friend each time. I've tried to do that because I'm not good at being social otherwise.

Seconding taking a day off and staying at home while the kids leave the house. I try not to put too much on my to do list for when I do that, but inevitably some to do list items pop up and I try to make it stuff I can't get done with a kid underfoot or that would take five times longer. In your case, maybe try to make it a Monday instead of a Friday so you don't feel the need to have "weekend prep" to do list items. But - if you can, because you're in an extreme situation - do nothing. Get out of the house if you need to. Find some free event in your area, go to the library's quiet room to read and relax, something.

mm1970

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #15 on: May 22, 2019, 01:09:39 PM »
Yes your commute is basically killing you.

The Blunderbuss

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #16 on: May 22, 2019, 01:59:47 PM »
That sounds really tough, particularly as you have the added pressure of being the primary breadwinner for the family as you come out of a situation that is not of your own making, on top of kids and school.  But that makes it even more important that you take care of yourself first.

Self care doesn't have to cost money, but you do need to put aside some time for it.  I understand that you don't want it to come out of the time you have with your kids, but that means it needs to come from somewhere else.  It sounds like your therapist is suggesting this "extreme" self care as a one off exercise - so why not take a days vacation from work (or even call in sick as a mental health day) and do whatever.  I'm a homebody so would probably want a sleep in, a bubble bath and to sit on the couch reading a book with nobody talking to me.

Longer term could your 5 year old go to bed any earlier?  You know what is best for your family, but 9pm seems late.  Even if you can bring it forward by half an hour, that would give you some extra time to yourself in the evenings.  I have friends that send all their kids to bed at the same time but give the older kids half an hour reading time, the rule being they have to be in bed for it.  5 might be too young to read independently, but would they be happy to look at picture books in bed or even play with a couple of toys?


Slow&Steady

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #17 on: May 22, 2019, 02:21:44 PM »
Looks like you have a long commute, what do you do on your commute? If you're driving, can you put on podcasts instead of listening to morning radio? I find that listening to funny podcasts helps my day start off better.

I carpool for half of it and talk with friends or my mom the other half or sing along to the radio. 

Slow&Steady

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #18 on: May 22, 2019, 02:36:01 PM »
If you can find 15 minutes you can do one of these free guided meditations
Free guided meditations

I actually have that app on my phone!  We use it as a relaxing background noise for the 5 year old to go to sleep, I guess I should look at using it for myself

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #19 on: May 22, 2019, 02:46:48 PM »
OP, just try small transitions and you'll eventually find something that sticks and is easy to manage.

Also, I don't think you should feel bad that you spend ONLY 2-3 hours a night with your kids. I think that's pretty standard. Remember, it's all about quality, not quantity.

As for self-care, have you tried some form of strength training? It really helps to boost the endorphins, add a little more structure to your routine, and give you short goals that build your confidence.

I'm currently doing this https://noobgains.com/phat-workout/, and I split it up so I do 15 min ever day. I ended up building my own home gym in my basement so I don't have to commute to the gym anymore.

Margie

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #20 on: May 22, 2019, 02:52:49 PM »
Definitely try and spend some time alone but I remember how hard that was when the kids were little.  One thing I loved and my daughter loved doing was brushing my hair...seriously it was heaven.  This was discovered when she didn't want me to brush her hair anymore so I said fine you can do your own if you do mine...thinking she would then say OK just brush mine.  Well, she ended up brushing mine for half an hour.  So nice!

I would read a book to her while she did it and then I would have ten minutes of "quiet" time while she kept brushing.  It was beyond soothing.  Only once did she get a brush caught in my hair (which was a bit painful) so keep that in mind!

Now, she is older and she gives me facials, does my nails, etc...I pay her (she is a teenager now) about a quarter of what I would do in a salon and it is so nice.  Peaceful and she tells me a lot of stuff so it is a really nice way to keep communication open without an interrogation! 

Hang in there!!


Cassie

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #21 on: May 22, 2019, 03:02:46 PM »
I think putting the kids to bed earlier would help. At that age mine didn’t stay up that late. Between work, school and kids I don’t think anyone could do all that and not be very stressed. I hope you get the new job with the shorter commute.   I would take some of the suggestions and be kind to yourself.

Parizade

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #22 on: May 22, 2019, 03:46:25 PM »
I am also working on getting my Master's so that school work either happens at work (when things are slow) or after the kids are in bed.

Can you put this on hold for awhile? Getting that off your plate would make a huge difference I think.

Slow&Steady

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #23 on: May 23, 2019, 03:20:15 PM »
I am also working on getting my Master's so that school work either happens at work (when things are slow) or after the kids are in bed.

Can you put this on hold for awhile? Getting that off your plate would make a huge difference I think.

Not immediately, it doesn't follow a traditional schedule so I just started the next class before sh*t hit the fan.

Slow&Steady

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #24 on: May 23, 2019, 03:21:22 PM »
The job called to schedule an interview!! The hiring manager will be out next week, so it won't be until June.

mm1970

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #25 on: May 23, 2019, 05:26:26 PM »
The job called to schedule an interview!! The hiring manager will be out next week, so it won't be until June.
This is positive news!

Slow&Steady

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #26 on: June 28, 2019, 09:49:26 AM »
Update if anyone is interested.

The job that would cut the commute in half did not happen but a job that will cut the commute by about 15 mins (each way) and has flexible schedules, including 9-80 if I want and potentially a couple days a month from home, is happening.  There is a LONG period between offer and start date though so I am hoping for Aug, when the kids start school.  There is also no travel with this job which is another huge win! 

The 5 year old and I had a Mama/Kiddo alone day (half day) last Saturday and it was incredibly beneficial for both of us.  We volunteered at the veggie co-op that I participate in, walked around the Farmer's Market, then went to the Library, next we had lunch together, and finished it off by going to picking out a birthday present for a cousin.  Cost me a little bit of money but nothing outside of what was already budgeted. I am hoping to continue that at least every other Saturday! 

We are taking a trip back to our home state next week and I will be able to hang out with family and my closest friend, I can't wait!

I traded in the 100% EV for a Plug-In Hybrid (PHEV) to reduce the need to stop and charge during winter commutes (doesn't really matter in the warmer months but will be a HUGE reduction in wasted time during the winter), this is not the most favorable move for the long term finances or the environment but I needed to prioritize my time/self-care over other things.

On the financial side, I have drastically streamlined things.  The house & HELOC was refinanced (dropping interest rate), DH's vehicle was sold and replaced with a cash vehicle and other recurring bills were re-evaluated to tighten the budget all the way around.

Spoiler: show
DH has been participating in an intense therapy to get to the bottom of why he was spending/hiding (my condition for us trying to work through this) and it has had a huge impact.  The budget has been completely re-worked so that if for some reason he is no longer in the picture, there will not be a concern about getting things paid for.  Almost his entire income is going towards him paying off HIS debt, I will not be contributing family dollars to that (although I do understand that until it is paid off the family budget is impacted by the lack of contribution from him), the savings that is being sacrificed is solely his retirement accounts, not the family savings or my retirement accounts.  Again, since we combine finances I understand that this will still impact me in the future by him having a smaller retirement account, for now this is how I need to mentally separate it. 



Freedomin5

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #27 on: June 29, 2019, 02:53:18 AM »
Good for you for prioritizing the important things in your life and focusing on making those areas good!

TVRodriguez

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #28 on: July 03, 2019, 10:03:06 AM »
Update if anyone is interested.

The job that would cut the commute in half did not happen but a job that will cut the commute by about 15 mins (each way) and has flexible schedules, including 9-80 if I want and potentially a couple days a month from home, is happening.  There is a LONG period between offer and start date though so I am hoping for Aug, when the kids start school.  There is also no travel with this job which is another huge win! 

The 5 year old and I had a Mama/Kiddo alone day (half day) last Saturday and it was incredibly beneficial for both of us.  We volunteered at the veggie co-op that I participate in, walked around the Farmer's Market, then went to the Library, next we had lunch together, and finished it off by going to picking out a birthday present for a cousin.  Cost me a little bit of money but nothing outside of what was already budgeted. I am hoping to continue that at least every other Saturday! 

We are taking a trip back to our home state next week and I will be able to hang out with family and my closest friend, I can't wait!

I traded in the 100% EV for a Plug-In Hybrid (PHEV) to reduce the need to stop and charge during winter commutes (doesn't really matter in the warmer months but will be a HUGE reduction in wasted time during the winter), this is not the most favorable move for the long term finances or the environment but I needed to prioritize my time/self-care over other things.

On the financial side, I have drastically streamlined things.  The house & HELOC was refinanced (dropping interest rate), DH's vehicle was sold and replaced with a cash vehicle and other recurring bills were re-evaluated to tighten the budget all the way around.

Spoiler: show
DH has been participating in an intense therapy to get to the bottom of why he was spending/hiding (my condition for us trying to work through this) and it has had a huge impact.  The budget has been completely re-worked so that if for some reason he is no longer in the picture, there will not be a concern about getting things paid for.  Almost his entire income is going towards him paying off HIS debt, I will not be contributing family dollars to that (although I do understand that until it is paid off the family budget is impacted by the lack of contribution from him), the savings that is being sacrificed is solely his retirement accounts, not the family savings or my retirement accounts.  Again, since we combine finances I understand that this will still impact me in the future by him having a smaller retirement account, for now this is how I need to mentally separate it. 


I seem to have missed this thread when it first popped up, but I'm happy to read that you've managed to improve your situation in many ways since the first post on this thread!  Wow, that's lots of progress in a short time!  Pat yourself on the back.  I hope you are continuing to find time for self-care, which I find incredibly important myself. 

Luz

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #29 on: July 11, 2019, 02:14:53 PM »
This is what I do to stay functioning at an optimal level both physically and mentally:
Daily
-Sleep
-Exercise (strength, flexibility and cardio)
-Meditate (I do a brain dump and centering ritual when I do my cardio)
-Eat 3 balanced meals, 1 snack and a small dessert
-Drink enough water
-Shower

Weekly
-Do something fun
-Do something social

2-3 times a year:
I scrape money together/ask for the following as my birthday and Christmas presents:
-Haircut
-Manicure/Pedicure
-Massage

Yearly
For Mother's Day, I take the entire day to myself (and my husband gets the same for Father's Day)


I think mom guilt is short-sighted and counterproductive.

I focus on taking as good care of myself as I do my daughter. I learned the hard way in my 20's that unless I put my needs first, no one benefits. And vice versa. If I'm filled up, I have a ton to give to my child and marriage.  It's harder as a parent, because you're always on. I used to be a caregiver in my line of work and it was easy to clock in and give and give and then go home and fill up again. Being a parent is different because there's no clocking out. You're giving all the time. Therefore, it's vital to learn to fill up while you're on the job. As in, the demands are still there, but you take that time anyway.

I think it's important to take the long view here. Sure, you might miss out on some time every evening or an evening every week with your kids in order to do what you need to do to be functioning at your best. But doing so may also mean that you are totally and absolutely on your game during the time you are with them. And I guarantee kids notice (and benefit) when you as a parent are functioning at your best. They also notice when you're not.
« Last Edit: July 11, 2019, 02:50:35 PM by Luz »

BlueHouse

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #30 on: July 23, 2019, 11:37:46 AM »
Self-care can include the kids, right? 
Maybe one or more of them would want to do yoga or meditate with you?  See if you can get one of them to be the instructor and learn about how to meditate then teach you.  It's an amazing way to kill two birds with one stone.

How about an afternoon of grooming each other?  Nails, hair, etc? 

KBCB

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #31 on: September 24, 2019, 06:27:40 PM »
Zipping through the thread lots have changed. But for what its worth. Extreme health care could be anything from eating the right food to 5 minutes of just sitting on the porch drinking some coffee. I am a working mom and feel guilty when I take time for myself, thinking/feeling I should always choose my kiddo. But my kiddo is well taken care of and I want to be well taken care of too. Just try to find little bits of time to enjoy being you and doing something you enjoy.

Life gets super busy and is constantly changing but you need to keep yourself happy, healthy and well taken care of so you can be the best person for your kids, your DH and yourself.

FamilyGuy

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Re: Self Care
« Reply #32 on: September 24, 2019, 06:29:39 PM »
stretching (there are some nice youtube videos) has helped my physical & mental stress.

 

Wow, a phone plan for fifteen bucks!