Playground incident

[cloudsail]

This doesn't have anything to do with money but I had to get it off my chest.

My daughter is almost 4 and my son just turned 6. He is on the autism spectrum and prefers to play alone, so I like to take them to a local playground that has a large sandpit because there are always lots of kids there and it encourages social interaction.

Today we brought a variety of sand toys there and a bunch of kids came to play with them. One was a very small girl, probably less than 12 months, there with her mom and dad. She took an interest in some of our toys so was sitting and playing with them. The other kids were mostly boys, so the play was sometimes a little rough. At one point someone flung sand in my son's eye and he got a little upset. After I helped him get the sand out, he suddenly flung some sand at the little girl who happened to be sitting right in front of him. Of course I immediately told him that was wrong and had him apologize, but the parents were extremely upset. I was sorry that my son had flung sand at their daughter, but I was also surprised by how upset they were. They basically acted like he'd thrown a rock at her head. Anyway they immediately took her away and I put it down to new parent overprotectiveness.

What I wasn't prepared for was a while later, the dad actually came back and asked me if there was something mentally wrong with my son, because of what he'd done to her daughter. I was so shocked that I honestly didn't know what to say. I politely implied that he was overreacting and he went away. But you can probably imagine how that felt as the parent of a child with special needs. Yes, my son is on the spectrum. But just a few moments earlier a perfectly neurotypical little boy had flung sand at my own daughter. I helped her get the sand out of her eyes, his mother came and told him not to do it again, and they went back to playing together.

This is the first time I've encountered something like this and I'm still a little shocked. That's one of our favorite playgrounds and I really hope I don't meet that family again.

[justajane]

I see both sides to this. The implication is likely that children treat a baby under 12 months differently than they would a child their own age. In other words, they would rough-house with one and not the other. If he flung sand directly in my baby's face, I would likely be upset as well, though I wouldn't have confronted you about it. Then again, what is the age range on the playground? Likely three years and up. As a parent of older kids (plus a two year old), I do get frustrated by parents of younger kids who expect the older kids who are playing on age-appropriate equipment to be careful around a toddler who isn't playing on age appropriate equipment. 

When you only have a baby, older children seem very big to you. Now that I have an eight year old kid, he seems downright tiny to me, but when he was little, a kid his age seem rather threatening on the playground. I probably incorrectly assumed that children who were just being children were being rambunctious.

Once I saw a confrontation on a playground similar to yours, and I ended up sympathizing more with the parents of the child who had been wronged. The reason? Because the parents of the kid who was hurting other kids were very defensive and refused to take responsibility for their child's behavior. Now I knew the violent child has an IEP at school and lots of behavioral issues, likely autism spectrum. But that doesn't excuse his violent behavior, and it made me sad to overhear the parents of the violent boy say, "I hate it when parents intervene." He was pushing kids to the ground over and over again, and slapping them.

But if you apologized and did all the necessary things to make the situation right, then yes, they were overreacting, though I understand how hard it is when you only have one child. If it were me, I wouldn't have implied that he was overreacting. Did you directly apologize for your son's behavior as well? That might have helped the situation.

[cloudsail]

Yes, I was very apologetic at the beginning because I did feel very bad about it. I started being surprised when they didn't respond to my apologies at all. The real shocker was when the dad came back.

Yes, you're right that they were expecting all the other children to steer clear of her, because the mom at one point said "She's just a baby." But she was playing with our toys very close to all the other children. If they were that protective of her I'm not sure why they didn't move her further away to begin with.

[justajane]

Well, if you apologized, then yes, they were out of line to return and bring it up again. Sorry they were so confrontational with you.

Long before I had kids, I was at the playground with a friend and her boys. Her eldest threw a rock at another child. My friend--the mom--pulled her son aside and was very firm with him. Later on, the father of the boy who had a rock thrown at him came up to my friend's husband and said, "My wife was very uncomfortable with how your wife disciplined her son. It was too harsh. Even our little boy was uncomfortable."

So, I guess the moral of the story is that you can't win. :)

[okits]

I'm only going off the limited detail that you can provide in an Internet post, OP, but I wonder if the question came up in the other parents' minds because your son flung sand after someone had done it to his sister (and been told not to) and another child had flung sand into your son's eye (so he knew that it hurt, and that child was probably also told not to do that.) They might have assumed that however old he looks, that would have been enough immediate, observable instances against sand-flinging that he should have known not to do it.

Coming back to actually ask if there's something mentally wrong with your son, though, is very forward and intrusive.  I can understand why you're upset. 

[Zamboni]

Ugh that was an obnoxious, inappropriate question by the Dad and I'm sorry you were put through that.

Some parents are at the peak of their asshole game from baby's birth up through about the middle of elementary school. Eventually most parents figure out that their own children aren't perfect either, and then even the idiots who would have once said something like that get over the need to do it.

Hang in there!

[tthree]

Some parents are at the peak of their asshole game from baby's birth up through about the middle of elementary school.

This comment made my day!  I almost spewed coffee over my computer screen.  I can think of too many people this comment applies to.

[little_brown_dog]

I’m so sorry – the dad’s comment/question was completely rude and inappropriate.

If a 6 year old purposefully flung sand in the face of an infant, I would privately wonder if maybe the child has some behavioral or developmental issues, as most 6 year olds should be able to differentiate between a baby and an older peer in terms of how they interact with them. To me, there is a difference between a 4 year old and 5 year old flinging sand at eachother, and a 6 year old flinging it at a baby. A neurotypical 6 year old should know that babies do not have things thrown at them just by virtue of being a baby. But children on the spectrum or with social development delays may not effectively distinguish between throwing sand at a baby and throwing sand in general/at similar aged peers. But regardless, such a private wonder/assessment should make someone MORE flexible, MORE compassionate, MORE understanding. Not less.

These parents clearly have their own issues going on related to parenting. Sorry you had to bear the brunt of those problems.

[MayDay]

My kid is 8 and on the spectrum.

One time a 2 year old legitimately hurt him- I can't remember the detials, but the 2 year old basically fell on my son, pretty hard.  Most kids that age (I think he was 7 at the time) would be able to recognize a 2 year old probably did it accidentally.  My kid, nope.  He pushed the 2 year old back off him, and yelled "You hurt me" or something like that. 

I felt really bad, because like I said, the average kid can recognize that it was just a toddler being a toddler.  I talked to DS, and the toddler had run off by then, end of interaction, no big deal. 

Long story short, I feel you. 

I think MANY MANY parents of only babies, do not "get" that even the average 3 to 9 year old does not have the self control to be careful of a baby/toddler when playing in close proximity.  Let alone if the older kid has anything out of the ordinary going on!  They just can't conceptualize that their darling bundle of joy is just another small body on the playground, the other kids don't care they are a baby, and they might get smushed. And that it isn't the end of the world!

[zolotiyeruki]

I have an 11-y-o son on the spectrum, and I totally sympathize!  Impulse control, especially in upsetting situations, is a real challenge for him.

Was it inappropriate for the dad to approach you a second time and ask about mental disabilities in your son?  Perhaps.  Is it possible that he was genuinely concerned?  Also maybe--we weren't there, so we don't know what kind of tone he was using. :) With the experiences we've had with our son over the last several years, DW and I are a lot more attuned to that kind of behavior, and often wonder if we should say something to a parent when we witness a pattern of autistic-type behaviors.

My guess is that they're first-time parents. After a few years, you loosen up a lot :)

[Zamboni]

Some parents are at the peak of their asshole game from baby's birth up through about the middle of elementary school.

This comment made my day!  I almost spewed coffee over my computer screen.  I can think of too many people this comment applies to.

Glad I could amuse. My insight into snotty parental behavior comes from growing up in a tiny house while my Mom taught piano lessons in the next room. I don't know how she listened to some of the BS parents spewed about their wonderful and perfect offspring with a straight face . . . my ears told me that parental bragging and actual child intelligence/musical aptitude are inversely proportional.

[mamagoose]

I don't know what kind of response the dad was looking for when he came back and asked about your son's mental status - really would anything you say have made a dent in the dad's attitude? Like it would be OK for that dad to bully/berate your kid if he were or were not neurotypical?

If it happened again and a parent asked if there was something mentally wrong with your kid, you could just laugh at them and say "no he just really hates babies like yours".

[little_brown_dog]

I don't know what kind of response the dad was looking for when he came back and asked about your son's mental status - really would anything you say have made a dent in the dad's attitude? Like it would be OK for that dad to bully/berate your kid if he were or were not neurotypical?

If it happened again and a parent asked if there was something mentally wrong with your kid, you could just laugh at them and say "no he just really hates babies like yours".

Actually I almost wonder how the dad would have reacted if OP responded very kindly and honestly ("I'm so sorry about what happened...yes, he has autism and he sometimes struggles with social situations, but he is trying"). It sounds almost like the question may have been a snarky jab (or even a super inappropriate genuine question)...if so, patient honesty would have been extremely disarming. Of course, that opens one up to a truly insensitive asshat saying something horrible, but chances are it will make the vast majority of snarky, inappropriate commenters feel really embarrassed/ashamed. But I totally get why OP felt the need to keep the info private because the dad was very intrusive and was not owed an answer.

[infogoon]

Playgrounds are tough because you have a bunch of kids and parents interacting who don't actually know anything about each other, and they tend to leap to incorrect conclusions. We had another parent yell at our oldest son, to the point where he ran away and hid under some playground equipment, because he pushed their son while a bunch of kids were playing tag together. They told him that he's too old to be playing with kindergartners and that he should keep his hands to himself. At the time, he was in first grade, as were most of the other kids on the playground; he's just tall for his age.

Sometimes strangers start from incorrect assumptions and end up angrier than they should be. It's an unfortunate part of dealing with other parents and children.

[AMandM]

OP, I'm so sorry you and your son were subjected to that.

Not to excuse the dad asking in a rude way, but I can understand where his question might have come from.  From his perspective, he saw a kid who looks old enough to know better suddenly hurt a one-year-old when the kid himself had just been hurt in the same way.  That makes the kid seen deliberately mean and the dad was probably angry at your son.  Maybe the question, although not phrased politely, was intended to find out whether there were mitigating circumstances that would explain the behavior and reduce the dad's anger.

Bear in mind that he might not have much experience with AS kids.  I certainly didn't when my oldest was a one-year-old.

[cloudsail]

Thanks for all the replies folks. With a kid on the spectrum I've encountered a variety of things, but this was definitely a first. I couldn't even initially believe what I'd heard and my first response was "What?"

I do empathize with the parents to an extent because I can remember being very protective with my son when he was small. By the time my daughter came along I was long over it :). But I remember when my son first started preschool and feeling upset when I saw a bigger kid push him. But I would never in a million years think to say something nasty to his mother because of it.

And to clarify, I know what kindly meant comments sound like, even when they don't always come out right, and this wasn't it. This was more along the lines of "I'm upset that your kid did something to mine and I want to make sure you know how pissed I am."