Author Topic: Pros & cons of being an older parent?  (Read 15871 times)

G-String

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Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« on: February 10, 2020, 03:10:31 AM »
What are the pros and cons of being an older parent, for example having your first child at age 40?  I'll get started:

Pros: kids keep you younger, more financially stable

Cons: less energy, kids graduating high school when I'll be 60

Any other thoughts based on your experiences?

Tom Bri

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2020, 04:06:33 AM »
First kid at 36, does that count?
Pros
Kids are great and loads of fun.
Cheap too, if you think about it.
40 is still young enough to have energy to play with kids. 50 too.
You, the parent, should be more mature and emotionally stable. Hopefully!

Cons
You will be old when you have grandkids. Younger would be more fun for you and them.
A lot harder on mom's body. Younger is a lot better for birthing recovery.

lutorm

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2020, 10:25:53 AM »
We became parents relatively late (me 47, wife 37) and up until a few years earlier I did not feel like our life situation was ready to take on that responsibility. Now we are financially secure, not moving around hunting academic jobs, and just generally more mature. Yes, we're older (well, mostly me) so I definitely agree that I'm not jumping around playing as much as I would have 10 years earlier, and the grandparents are all in their 70s now and they're beginning to not be able to enjoy (or help with) their grandkids as much as they could have. But on the whole, I think it's a positive.
« Last Edit: February 10, 2020, 10:27:50 AM by lutorm »

G-String

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2020, 10:52:11 AM »
We became parents relatively late (me 47, wife 37) and up until a few years earlier I did not feel like our life situation was ready to take on that responsibility. Now we are financially secure, not moving around hunting academic jobs, and just generally more mature. Yes, we're older (well, mostly me) so I definitely agree that I'm not jumping around playing as much as I would have 10 years earlier, and the grandparents are all in their 70s now and they're beginning to not be able to enjoy (or help with) their grandkids as much as they could have. But on the whole, I think it's a positive.
How do you find your energy level?  Are you sleeping okay?  How many kids and what age? 

lutorm

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #4 on: February 10, 2020, 01:28:05 PM »
How do you find your energy level?  Are you sleeping okay?  How many kids and what age?
Just one so far, he just turned 2, but one more is the intention.

Sleep is fine, it was rough the first ~9 months but since then he's been basically sleeping through the night every night unless he's sick. We just have to make sure to not stay up too long after he goes to bed since he's up no later than 6am...

The biggest thing I'm feeling now is that work is taking up too much time (and energy to some extent, but mostly time) for me to really be able to do things with him except on weekends. Having kids has made me a lot more motivated to try to FIRE.

Mariposa

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #5 on: February 10, 2020, 03:16:52 PM »
I’m 43yo and I have a 4-year-old. Pro: we were completely done with our training when we had our kid & financially secure. It’s not a financial strain for me to work part time and spend more time with my kid.

Con: I know a number of couples who waited until their late 30s or early 40s to have kids and we’re unable to do so naturally. Some eventually underwent successful IVF; others went through years of IVF and eventually went the adoption route, or made the decision to remain childless.

Knowing what I know, I probably would have undergone a fertility work-up before making the decision to put off kids.

Kris

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #6 on: February 10, 2020, 04:07:54 PM »
I’m not a parent, but one thing I’ve heard from friends who are (mostly the women) is that being the “older” parents can be a bit alienating/isolating if you want to be part of the group and don’t fit in quite as well.

G-String

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #7 on: February 10, 2020, 04:09:34 PM »
I’m not a parent, but one thing I’ve heard from friends who are (mostly the women) is that being the “older” parents can be a bit alienating/isolating if you want to be part of the group and don’t fit in quite as well.
I'm an introvert and prefer being left alone so that's a "pro" for me!!

Kris

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #8 on: February 10, 2020, 04:12:35 PM »
I’m not a parent, but one thing I’ve heard from friends who are (mostly the women) is that being the “older” parents can be a bit alienating/isolating if you want to be part of the group and don’t fit in quite as well.
I'm an introvert and prefer being left alone so that's a "pro" for me!!

Ha — it kinda would be for me, too!

trashtalk

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #9 on: February 10, 2020, 08:22:29 PM »
My pregnancy at 41 was noticeably more tiring and painful than my pregnancy at 32. Labor and delivery was easier though, if only because of experience!

marble_faun

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #10 on: February 12, 2020, 12:04:49 AM »
I'm over 35 and just had a baby!

The main upside is that I had time to do lots of things with my own individual life in those few extra years before having a kid.  I gathered tons of experiences (travel, education, career achievements, etc.) and don't have many wistful "what-ifs" in that regard.

We are also now in a position where I can choose to be a stay-at-home mom.  It is a huge luxury to be able to have that option available.

The main downside is that fertility gets iffy.  Time starts to run out if you want more kids.

In my social group, this is a pretty normal time to have kids -- I'm maybe just a couple years above the average.  It's only when browsing Mom Forums elsewhere online that I feel old.  I had way too many Gen X influences growing up to be okay with phrases like "baby dust" and "baby dancing."

Morning Glory

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #11 on: February 12, 2020, 03:54:33 AM »
What is "baby dust"? I haven't heard that one before. Please don't tell me it's sperm. Yuck.

I am 38 with a 2 and 4 y/o. I hate those parenting forums too, but probably would have hated them at any age, just for the poor grammar.

One mustachian benefit: if one parent turns 65 before your kid is 18, you and your kid get extra social security. My parents got this for my youngest brother, and saved it to use for his college housing.

marble_faun

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #12 on: February 12, 2020, 08:18:16 AM »
"Baby dust" is what mom-forum people say when they are wishing someone good luck with getting pregnant. 

Or if you're like me and had trouble getting pregnant, you can imagine the dust and cobwebs of your empty womb.

As for baby dancing, I'll just refer you to this discussion: https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/off-topic/wordsphrases-i-wish-would-go-away/msg1748118/#msg1748118
« Last Edit: February 12, 2020, 08:38:57 AM by marble_faun »

GreenQueen

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #13 on: February 12, 2020, 09:13:10 AM »
First (daughter) at 39, papa is even older
Due with second (son) in one month (43 years old)

Pros: almost all pros so far! We had our silly fun years ago, tons of travel and education and good times, so no regrets or FOMO on that end. Grandparents gave up on grandchildren awhile ago so they are super grateful and very helpful; luckily they're in good enough shape to be active with her/them so far. We enjoy being fully formed adults who live/parent accordingly with lots of room for love and growth and little room for bs.

Cons: had 3 early miscarriages between the first and current pregnancy; odds do increase with age but plenty of 20-somethings have secondary infertility as well.

Pigeon

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #14 on: February 12, 2020, 09:24:00 AM »
We adopted our kids.   I was about 36 for the first one and 39 for the second.

I was a far better mother than I would have been if I'd had them younger.  I was much more patient and relaxed.  We were well established in our careers and settled in one spot, which I think is a big plus.  We were in a good place financially.  I didn't find kids physically tiring other than the no-sleep years, but I would have been less happy dealing with sleep deprivation when I was younger.

I would agree that you will probably be much older than most of the moms in your kids' class.  I found that the ones who tended to hang out were SAHMs anyway, and I wasn't going to be in that category regardless of my age.

haypug16

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #15 on: February 12, 2020, 09:28:04 AM »
I had a baby at 18 and then again at 40. Pregnancy and labor were different for both. When I was 18 I went into labor naturally, didn't need an epidural, and gave birth in about 10 hours. When I was 40 I had to be induced, suffered for many hours, then got an epidural (most amazing invention ever!), and gave birth almost 24 hours after being induced. Recover was longer as well but not terrible it just took a bit longer to "bounce back"

I feel just as tired now as I did when I was 18 but I am much more financially and emotionally prepared to raise a child.

StarBright

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #16 on: February 12, 2020, 10:07:47 AM »
I had two in my early 30s and we opted not to have anymore partially because I didn't think I'd be able to physically bounce back from pregnancy/parenting in my late 30s.

My kids are particularly exhausting but I've become a proponent for having kids younger (I used to think 30s were perfect- but I'd have had mine a few years earlier if I could do it over again).

lhamo

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #17 on: February 12, 2020, 10:10:10 AM »
One mustachian benefit: if one parent turns 65 before your kid is 18, you and your kid get extra social security. My parents got this for my youngest brother, and saved it to use for his college housing.

Actually you can start taking SS and get the child benefit at age 62.  The primary benefit will be discounted due to taking it early, but the child benefit is the same (50% of benefit you would get at full retirement age).  And it extends to whenever the child graduates from high school or turns 19.

We need to decide whether or not to take benefits now, as DH just turned 62.  Without taking healthcare subsidies into account, it looks like the breakeven point for DH would be around age 82-83.  But the healthcare subsidy piece is a major one, so my inclination is to advise DH NOT to take it now, even though that means forgoing the child benefit. 

Cassie

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #18 on: February 15, 2020, 01:27:31 PM »
If your parents are in their mid 60’s they probably won’t want to babysit. 10 years ago I would have loved a grandchild but now at 65 I won’t be babysitting. My step son will probably have a baby in the next 5 years.  My kids chose not to have any.

LaineyAZ

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #19 on: February 15, 2020, 05:01:47 PM »
If your parents are in their mid 60’s they probably won’t want to babysit. 10 years ago I would have loved a grandchild but now at 65 I won’t be babysitting. My step son will probably have a baby in the next 5 years.  My kids chose not to have any.

Chiming in to say that myself and an acquaintance are both grandparents who are in our mid-60s.  By coincidence, we each babysit our two grandbabies, one an infant and one a toddler, two days/week.  We enjoy the love and bonding at this age, but we also enjoy having them only on a part-time basis each week.  So, here's a vote for senior grandparents as perhaps a part-time solution.
But yes, five years from now when I'm 70 it would be unlikely that I'd be doing any babysitting except on a very limited basis.

Blue82

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #20 on: February 15, 2020, 06:10:20 PM »
We had our kid at 36. 

Pros.- I’m way more mature emotionally, way more secure financially (FI), and have way less anxiety as compared to 10 years ago.  All this adds up to me being a better parent and better spouse than I think I would have been if we had done this 10 years before. 

Cons - Can’t think of any!

ender

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #21 on: February 15, 2020, 08:56:13 PM »
If your parents are in their mid 60’s they probably won’t want to babysit. 10 years ago I would have loved a grandchild but now at 65 I won’t be babysitting. My step son will probably have a baby in the next 5 years.  My kids chose not to have any.

My parents love this and are in that demographic, so I think your mileage varies a lot.




SimpleCycle

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #22 on: February 15, 2020, 09:29:38 PM »
I was “only” 35 when our first was born (my wife carried and was 37) and was 37 when I gave birth to our second.

Pros:
Kids are awesome and this is such a joyful phase of life, at a time when things feel tired/stagnant professionally
Most of our close friends our age have kids of similar ages, so we don’t feel like especially old parents
I had some health concerns that precluded having kids earlier, so more time for my health issues to stabilize
We’re more financially stable and had high earnings during the “two in daycare” expense peak

Cons:
I’m so, so tired.  I’m up with them 3-4 nights a week and that’s too much for being 4.5 years in.  I’m not sure how much is age, but it surely doesn’t help.
We’re pretty old among the school parents, which is a little weird feeling.
Actually having children was a fertility shitshow.  We would have needed help either way, but did 11 inseminations and five rounds of IVF between us to end up with two children.
I had gestational diabetes, which is more common in older moms.  We both got some additional testing due to our age and IVF pregnancies.

deborah

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #23 on: February 15, 2020, 10:10:15 PM »
One of my relatives had two sets of children - three when he and his wife were young, and after a fifteen year gap they had another two. If I remember it correctly, this is what he said, some years ago, shortly before the youngest had his 21st birthday...

It is much better to have your children when you are young. It's harder for you and harder for them if you have them later in life...

- When we were young, we had hand-me-downs, and it didn't matter if the children wrecked stuff. We had lots of precious stuff when we had the younger two, and we didn't want them to break the porcelain collection, or ruin the nice furniture we had.

- When we were young, our bodies were more capable for young children. We could stay up all night, and party the next day; we could run and play more - you are the ideal age to have children.

- With the first three, we were the same age as the other parents at our children's schools - we could make friends more easily - younger people tend to look at you, when you are the age of their parents, and treat you differently, and hold you at arms length.

MayDay

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #24 on: February 16, 2020, 06:07:49 AM »
I had kids young so perhaps shouldn't comment. I am glad I had them young but recognize it was also way more risky, and probably permanently set us back career-wise (although I don't care most of the time).

The main thing I'm very happy about is that I'll be done actively raising them while still fairly young. But maybe if I'd waited until 40 to have them, I wouldn't feel that way. In general though, I'm happy we were "poor" when the kids were little and have money to do stuff now that they are older/gone.

I am also very glad my parents were young enough to be involved their whole childhoods. My parents are just now early 60's and kids are 12 and almost 10, so it's highly likely they'll be alive through my kids young adulthood. I think that is highly valuable but maybe it wouldn't matter as much to me if my siblings had kids and/or lived nearby.

Cassie

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #25 on: February 16, 2020, 10:33:56 AM »
I had all 3 kids by 25 so my parents were alive to enjoy them.  After the third we chose sterilization because no way did we want a accident.  It was nice to still be young when they launched.   It just occurred to me that age is a huge factor. When I read threads where parents are so overwhelmed and tired I cannot relate because I never had help and took care of everything.  But I hadn’t considered that most people on here are having babies at a much older age. 

charis

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #26 on: February 16, 2020, 11:01:32 AM »
If your parents are in their mid 60’s they probably won’t want to babysit. 10 years ago I would have loved a grandchild but now at 65 I won’t be babysitting. My step son will probably have a baby in the next 5 years.  My kids chose not to have any.

My parents love this and are in that demographic, so I think your mileage varies a lot.

Yeah. My in laws started babysitting in their 60s and are still doing it in their early 70s by request (demand actually) as do most of their friends.  So I'm not sure why you'd just assume that all grandparents feel the same as you.

Cassie

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #27 on: February 16, 2020, 03:19:29 PM »
Because the only people I know that are babysitting are 10 years younger than me.

Psychstache

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #28 on: February 16, 2020, 05:48:42 PM »
Another check in from someone with mid 60s grandparents who routinely (1-2 week) watch the kids.

Imma

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #29 on: February 17, 2020, 12:37:43 AM »
My own grandmother used to babysit frequently from her mid 50's to her mid 70s! She actually rode bycicles with a kid seat in the back as she never learned how to drive. She only stopped riding a bike in her early 80s.

We're unlikely to have children due to health reasons, but I always wanted them young. I had a strong bond with the older generation (grandparents and their siblings) when I grew up, even though my parents were in their 30s when I was born. My parents and inlaws are in their 60s, most of them in bad health, some of their siblings have already passed away. They're by far not as healthy and fit as their parents were. I would want for my children to experience that multigenerational bond but truth is even if we had children it's unlikely they'd still be around and still able to play an active role.

Kyle Schuant

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #30 on: February 17, 2020, 02:41:28 AM »
Started at 40.

I'll get to skip right over the midlife crisis and go straight to being elderly.

Morning Glory

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #31 on: February 17, 2020, 07:45:27 AM »
Another check in from someone with mid 60s grandparents who routinely (1-2 week) watch the kids.

My parents are early 60s and still have full time jobs, so no babysitting here. I might even be retired before them :)

MIL was too decrepit to babysit before age 60 (could barely walk to the bathroom and needed an oxygen tank) so even if I'd had kids 10 years earlier she wouldn't have been any help.  She passed away when my oldest was 2 and I was pregnant with the second kid, so I feel a bit sad that they will never know her. She was not particularly healthy or active even when my husband and his sister were little.

mm1970

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #32 on: February 18, 2020, 11:09:26 AM »
Started at 40.

I'll get to skip right over the midlife crisis and go straight to being elderly.
True.  Had my kids at 35 and 42.

My mom hit menopause and dealt with depression, started drinking, drank herself to death.

I'm 49 with a 7 year old and a FT job so...I don't have time for that shit.

Captain FIRE

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #33 on: February 19, 2020, 07:31:09 AM »
Well, I guess pro number 1 is that I had them with my husband and not with a random person that I wasn't compatible with long-term?

But sure for those who meet their person earlier in life and have more of a choice to make about when to have a kid, pros are also: stronger financial stability so the $50k+ daycare bill we are facing next year is annoying not crisis, more patience.  Hand me downs from friends.  More established in career.  Was able to travel a bit on vacations pre kids.  We'll be in a position to retire or cut back hours when the older hits kindergarten, but might wait until the younger does so.

Cons: Lack of energy*1000.  Pregnancy is harder on me and riskier for me/baby.  Lack of grandparent understanding about these issues (my mom seems to think my pregnancies while working full-time at 37/40 should be just as easy as she remembers hers being at 26/29/33).  Uncertainty over fertility+miscarriage (though that could have happened earlier too.)  I imagine in the future when friend's kids leave the nest we might be a bit wistful at the fun things they are doing (while they are probably wistful we still have the kids)!  Not as much time for kids to develop a grandparent relationship (though my grandmother is 95 so it's not impossible!).

Re grandparents assistance...it's really very individualized.  Some grandparents don't want to help out if you have kids early because they feel like they *just* finished parenting themselves and want a break.  I've seen some parents (unwittingly and intentionally) time kids with the grandparents retirement so they can provide full time care.  I can't see having them earlier having improved my parent desire to help out (11-13 years ago they were helping my sister & BIL who lived with them and then I think they were burnt out from that).  Meanwhile, my MIL is about 5 years older than them, but very eager to be involved at 75.

Really you have to have them when is right for you and not other people.  Having them with prior bfs or pushing my husband to have them sooner would have cause more problems than gracefully accepting the cons of being an older parent.

McFarker

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #34 on: February 19, 2020, 05:21:28 PM »
Dad at 41, wife was 40 when our son was born. He's now 5 YO.
The definite advantage was us being financially stable so my son hasn't wanted for anything so far in life.
The disadvantage is that my son hasn't wanted for anything so far in life.
We've only recently taken on the FIRE lifestyle  so things are changing!

Chris Pascale

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #35 on: February 19, 2020, 08:31:01 PM »
I think I was a better parent when I was younger, even though I was actually worse at parenting. And now that my oldest is 18, I feel like we both came a long way together. As my youngest is now 8 (the others are 10 and 14), I'm digging deep to be the dad she deserves. I coached her softball team last year, am coaching my 3rd daughter this year.

We've also stopped separating the girls by activity. Last year, everyone went to everyone else's games when possible. This Saturday my older girls are competing in the HS state wrestling championships, and it might be all day, but we'll all be there.

By implementing this last thing I feel like we really improved our family dynamic.

Hula Hoop

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #36 on: February 20, 2020, 06:04:58 AM »
I agree with @Captain FIRE the main reason I'm glad I had my kids when I did was because I had them with my husband and not any of my previous boyfriends.  But, apart from being in a stable relationship, I don't see many positives to being older parents (me 36 and 40 when kids were born and husband was 45 and 49).  My husband, particularly, is very sad at the idea that he may not be in their lives well into adulthood and may not be in the grandchildrens' lives (if there are any).

I did enjoy the hell out of my 20s and early 30s though and so did DH.  Having kids would have cramped our style.  But I'd still have preferred to have them a few years earlier.  We met when I was 32 and DH was 41.

Kteach

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #37 on: February 25, 2020, 02:15:07 PM »
I had my daughter when I was 40 and my dh was 44. We were financially stable and valued in our careers, so we were able to negotiate both of us being part time (we each worked every other day) for the first two years of her life. Then I was able to work part time for 10 years. We loved our life before our daughter was born -lots of travel, biking around Europe-and we’ve loved being parents. I think I’ve been a better mom because of my life experience and I don’t feel I had less energy. My only con is that my father passed away before my daughter was born, and never got to meet her. But since he died shortly after I was married, when we had her wouldn’t have mattered much.

MaybeBabyMustache

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #38 on: February 25, 2020, 03:55:33 PM »
If your parents are in their mid 60’s they probably won’t want to babysit. 10 years ago I would have loved a grandchild but now at 65 I won’t be babysitting. My step son will probably have a baby in the next 5 years.  My kids chose not to have any.

My parents love this and are in that demographic, so I think your mileage varies a lot.

My parents are 67 & 69, respectively & still do adventure races with the kids, and come for a week at a time whenever needed to help out. I'd say this is obviously dependent upon their health & willingness, but certainly wouldn't rule it out if our parents are otherwise healthy

The_Dude

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #39 on: February 25, 2020, 06:45:38 PM »
Daughter born at 41, she is now 3.

Pros:
  • Wife and I's relationship is rock solid.  The depth of trust is far greater since we were together a long time before having kids.
  • Finances are solid. 
  • Much more emotional maturity.  Don't think my wife and I have had a serious disagreement over anything on parenting. 
  • My Father retired before our daughter was born and his engagement with our daughter is simply amazing.  He was such a workaholic before and my much older niece didn't get the same grandfather.  It's one of the most heartwarming things I've experienced watching this hardass workaholic turn to putty in my daughters hands.

Cons: 
  • If my daughter waits to have kids until around the same age as her parents did then statistically I'll be dead before meeting my grandkids.
  • Some of the physical bonding activities I did with my parents during my teenage years won't be possible for me. 
  • Some of the activities I've dreamed of doing in FIRE won't be possible with a school age daughter unless I'm willing to not see my kid for a month or more at a time.
  • We were only able to have one kid and wanted two...
  • My employer healthcare is old school amazing.  It's impossible to replace through the open market ACA, As I plan to FIRE I'm a lot worried about coverage my daughter will have through her childhood.  She was born healthy but she has used more of our health insurance in 3 years than I've used it in 20. 
« Last Edit: February 26, 2020, 05:28:43 PM by The_Dude »

Car Jack

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #40 on: March 06, 2020, 06:58:06 AM »
Adopted first when I was 39, second when I was 43.  We started out already very well off financially and by the time the second was 2 years old, I paid off our mortgage.  So there have never been money problems.

When the kids were young, I could go play soccer, baseball, lacrosse and ride mountain bikes on the trails.  But I've aged quickly and now am much more limited at 63.  There have certainly been sports activities I did with my older son that I'm not able to do at the same age with the younger son.  I have a couple major chronic illnesses and doubt I'll be alive much more than another 10 years.  If we weren't well off financially, I'd be concerned with burdening our kids with nursing home costs.

The wife stayed home once we brought home the second one.  She started trying to go back to work 5 years ago.  As a nurse, she was pretty much shut out.  Nobody would even interview her without a year of recent clinical experience.  She took a refresher course at BU and has worked per diem at a rehab facility, making the same money as newly minted graduates.  The age factor has absolutely hit her trying to get back in.  Hospitals are fine hiring brand new, perky 22 year olds who they can get to do whatever, whenever.  Not so much for a mid 50's nurse who's been there, done that.

Cassie

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #41 on: March 06, 2020, 01:15:28 PM »
Carjack, that’s the problem with aging no matter how well you take care of yourself it’s a crap shoot how it all works out. Young people often believe that they have more control than they really do.

smella

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #42 on: March 09, 2020, 10:39:07 PM »
If your parents are in their mid 60’s they probably won’t want to babysit. 10 years ago I would have loved a grandchild but now at 65 I won’t be babysitting. My step son will probably have a baby in the next 5 years.  My kids chose not to have any.

My dad is a relatively fit and healthy 66 and he is able to babysit the 3.5yo for about 4-5 hours before he's wiped out.  What he does more often is come over to our place and read to the kid, play with him, etc, for an hour before or after dinner. Still very helpful, as my wife and I can get some cooking or cleaning done, or just an hour of peace with one another. 
My mother in law is 75 and there's no way I would let her babysit the 3.5yo on her own - she's not fast enough to catch him if he bolts (which still happens, though rarely), and she wouldn't be able to physically overpower him if safety called for it.

smella

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #43 on: March 09, 2020, 10:48:10 PM »
My spouse was 52 and 55 for the births of our children.

I was  26 and 29.  (I'm the gestational parent!)

Pro's for her:
-she took 50% retirement at 53 and is able to spend a lot more time with the older kiddo. for the baby, about to be born, she's going to be very present and available to help me through the postpartum period
-it will be easy to access her 401k and IRA funds in three years when we are fully FIRE'd without needing to do any conversion ladder
-the social security child benefit!
-she's freakishly young looking and healthy, so she fits in just fine with the other parents

Con's for her:
-her dad died 20 years ago and her mom is a somewhat frail 75. not a very involved grandmother, but also partly geographic issue
-she was WIPED OUT during the postpartum period with our older kid. it will be interesting to see if that's different now that she works 20 hrs/week remote instead of working 45+ hrs/week + commute
- ??


Pro's for me, being young
-as a gestational parent, i conceived in like, 1 minute each time. frozen sperm is super expensive so this was great from a budgeting perspective
-both pregnancies were super easy, birth recovery from #1 was easy

Con's for me:
-given our geographics and demographics, i'm 15 years younger than most of our son's friend's parents and it is a cultural/generational mismatch.   i feel really alienated from my pre-parenthood friends because they're largely still single, and i feel alienated from the other parents
 




Cassie

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #44 on: March 09, 2020, 10:51:04 PM »
Part of the problem is the desire to do it. My step son is in a serious relationship and they will start trying in 2 years so realistically I would be 69 before it happens. I told my 5 year old younger husband that he can babysit at their house.  If it’s if in our house it will be up to me.  He is all for it but will be interesting once he realizes I am not doing the work.

Captain FIRE

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #45 on: March 10, 2020, 11:09:19 AM »
My spouse was 52 and 55 for the births of our children.

I was  26 and 29.  (I'm the gestational parent!)

[snip]

Con's for me:
-given our geographics and demographics, i'm 15 years younger than most of our son's friend's parents and it is a cultural/generational mismatch.   i feel really alienated from my pre-parenthood friends because they're largely still single, and i feel alienated from the other parents

I'm surprised that you feel such an awkwardness/mismatch by the 15  year age gap, when your own partner is 26 years older than you.  Are you sure you're giving them a fair chance?  Is it perhaps just not a personality match with a few parents? 

The average age of first time moms is 26 (31 for dads), so there may be much less of an age gap with these parents than you think.  I couldn't readily find the statistics, but the number of first time moms over 40 despite being higher these days, is still really low.  The best I can figure for an average mom age would be by adding up the birth rates for the under 40 v. over 40 crowd: https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr66/nvsr66_01.pdf.  (This doesn't compare so well because your age is 27.5+15 years is 42.5, which overlaps with the 40s category, and I would surmise that the younger 40 set is having more kids than the older 40 set.)

200.6 (22.3 per 1,000 + 76.8 per 1,000 + 101.5 per 1,000) v. 11.07 (11 per 1,000 + .7 per 10,000) or about 5%.

Obviously there are areas of the country that skew older/younger, but I'm still guessing you are much closer in age to the parents in your son's preschool? class than you think.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2020, 11:23:59 AM by Captain FIRE »

YttriumNitrate

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #46 on: March 10, 2020, 12:06:17 PM »
The average age of first time moms is 26 (31 for dads), so there may be much less of an age gap with these parents than you think.  I couldn't readily find the statistics, but the number of first time moms over 40 despite being higher these days, is still really low.  The best I can figure for an average mom age would be by adding up the birth rates for the under 40 v. over 40 crowd: https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr66/nvsr66_01.pdf.  (This doesn't compare so well because your age is 27.5+15 years is 42.5, which overlaps with the 40s category, and I would surmise that the younger 40 set is having more kids than the older 40 set.)

While I don't doubt the numbers you cited, those are broad averages and the circles you run in can make a big difference. For example, if most of your friends are college graduates, the gap will be likely seem larger.

https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2015/06/19/college-educated-men-take-their-time-becoming-dads/
https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2015/01/15/for-most-highly-educated-women-motherhood-doesnt-start-until-the-30s/

mm1970

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #47 on: March 10, 2020, 12:39:14 PM »
The average age of first time moms is 26 (31 for dads), so there may be much less of an age gap with these parents than you think.  I couldn't readily find the statistics, but the number of first time moms over 40 despite being higher these days, is still really low.  The best I can figure for an average mom age would be by adding up the birth rates for the under 40 v. over 40 crowd: https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr66/nvsr66_01.pdf.  (This doesn't compare so well because your age is 27.5+15 years is 42.5, which overlaps with the 40s category, and I would surmise that the younger 40 set is having more kids than the older 40 set.)

While I don't doubt the numbers you cited, those are broad averages and the circles you run in can make a big difference. For example, if most of your friends are college graduates, the gap will be likely seem larger.

https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2015/06/19/college-educated-men-take-their-time-becoming-dads/
https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2015/01/15/for-most-highly-educated-women-motherhood-doesnt-start-until-the-30s/
Ah yes.  I run in the college educated crowd and was an older parent.  Our elementary school is a big mix though.

So, I had my 2nd at 42 and his best buddy at school's mom is older than me!  She saved me from being the oldest mom on the kindergarten playground.

One of the other kindergarten kids, who is a lovely little girl (and Latina), called me grandma.  "You a grandma."  Because, well, I am the same age as her grandma, probably.

Captain FIRE

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #48 on: March 10, 2020, 01:09:57 PM »
While I don't doubt the numbers you cited, those are broad averages and the circles you run in can make a big difference. For example, if most of your friends are college graduates, the gap will be likely seem larger.

Yes, that's why I noted:
Obviously there are areas of the country that skew older/younger

This is an interesting article on it: https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2018/08/04/upshot/up-birth-age-gap.html

But even looking at just the absolute highest age cities NY & SF (with the more educated populace) at 31 & 32, it's only an average of 5/6 years more than the poster - hardly enough for a "cultural/generational mismatch" I would think.

It just seemed really strange to me given that I would presume the poster would presumably be accustomed to interacting with a variety of ages given the substantial difference from the partner's age.  So that made me wonder if there might be something more that was going on than just age.  I mean, my friend tells me about how the moms at next closest elementary school are all wealthy, well groomed, stay at home moms, compared to the harried working parents at the closest elementary school we are both zoned for (her kids are in elementary school, mine not yet).  I would like feel out of place at the further school with a "cultural mismatch", but it'd have nothing to do with age.

Note: For what it's worth, it sounds like both parents may be women (poster referenced as "gestational parent" rather than a more neutral term of "biological" and the partner as "she"), so the male statistics may be less relevant.  I threw in the first time dad figure, but focused on the moms for that reason (also because stats are easier to find on moms).

calimom

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Re: Pros & cons of being an older parent?
« Reply #49 on: March 10, 2020, 10:38:39 PM »
At 25 I married a 31 year old man who came equipped with full custody of an 8 year old daughter. I was in love with both of them and 10 months after our wedding I had a son. A happy surprise came just before my 30th birthday in the form of another daughte - apparently I was quite fertile in my 20s. I became a widow at 31 with my houseful of children with a big age spread. A few people might have side-eyed me at the Back to School Night for my incoming high school freshman with a baby on my hip and dragging a 5 year old around. A new friend of DD1 turned out to have parents who were/are right around 20 years older than me. We're friends to this day, and they were an enormous source of assistance then. As older parents they had the bandwidth, along with the job and financial security to be wonderful parents to their later-in-life daughter.

My 30s were spent chasing kids around, involvement with their schools, taking care of my home, and being very active with my kids. As they've grown older, we have swum, hiked, skied and enjoyed an outdoor lifestyle. I'm 43 now and my youngest is 13, so I have about four and a half years till she's (hopefully) off to college and I will have completed at least the heavy lifting of child rearing. The plan is then that I wiill have some freedom to pursue new interests and hopefully some version of FIRE is part of those plans.

Last summer I attended my 25th high school reunion. Reconnecting with 4 now-women who I knew going back to middle school,  I appreciated. where each was now in their lives: one married just out of high school and had 3 kids, now a grandmother;  one  married. at 30 and had 2 kids, now divorced;  one who became, with her husband a first time parent at 42 with a beautiful adopted child; one happily child. free;  and me.
There's no real right or wrong, only life circumstances.