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Problem teenagers

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Julard:
Just having one of those days when dumping onto the interweb seems like a good idea.

Things are tough.  I sent my 15 year old to go and stay with his dad for a while, after stealing from me and being fairly relentlessly verbally abusive. I've done it once before, and he came back a week later moderately improved.  This time it's been two weeks and he has shown no interest in contacting me, and has been awful to his dad.  Going out at night without permission, shouting and swearing.  He's taken it badly that I asked him to leave and I think is acting out because of it.  I'm torn between reaching out to him and leaving him alone to (ideally) reflect and apologise.  His ADHD isn't awfully conducive to reflection though, and I know that underneath the anger he's a sensitive kid who needs a lot of love and support.

Meanwhile, my 13 year old has been in terrible shape because of something that happened at school.  A stupid thing that had me steamingly angry for a while -  he needed an accommodation for a disability to participate in a special event and the school didn't give it.  So his anxiety and trauma response went through the roof for a few days, and really it was much better than his explosive brother wasn't here while I tried to calm things down and get him back to school.  An ongoing project.

Right now I feel like I'm not doing well by either of them, but it's hard to see how I can look after everyone, including myself.  I've been reading Notes from the Frugal Trenches, and have such admiration for her patience and generosity with high needs kids.  Occasionally I wonder if I should take a sabbatical and be a full time parent for a while, but I have very little confidence I'd rise to the occasion like she does.  More likely to be the fast track to insanity I suspect, even if I was FI and not fretting about money. 

We've been in worse shape and worked through, but it feels like the stakes are higher as they get older.  Fingers crossed this coming week sees an improvement.

Freedomin5:
Have you considered therapy for both your kids, and for yourself? It sounds like outside support might be good.

And anger is a secondary emotion. If your 15 year old is that angry, it’s likely because there is underlying stuff going on. Leaving him to reflect and apologize probably won’t work. It’s more likely that he feels abandoned. Typically, it’s something along the lines of “I’m such a piece of crap that even my own mom doesn’t want me.” (Not saying that’s true at all; it’s just that I have a lot of experience with troubled teenagers and kind of know how many of them think). So then the kid thinks, “You know what? Everyone thinks I suck anyway. I might as well live up to my reputation.” And who knows what messages dad is giving him.

It is also possible that your 15 year old has depression. In teenagers, one of the symptoms of depression is irritability.

A therapist may be able to help you sort all of this out.

Julard:
Hi FI5,

Yes, they both need to see a psychologist, and both flatly refuse to go.  DS13 has a deep mistrust of mental health professionals (not completed unfounded unfortunately) and DS15... not sure exactly what the issue is, I suspect it's to do with what peers would think. He has an appointment with his paediatrician soon, so I may get some reinforcement on that front.  DS13 is the priority for pushing as his problems are more acute, but he'll be a tough nut to crack. 

DS15 does need a lot of love it's true, but god he makes it hard at times.  I took him dessert last night (his dad is only a few blocks away) and have brokered a sleepover at his grandparents house tonight, so he knows he's being thought of. Today I'm trying to prioritise my own sanity.

Someone said to me years ago "little kids little problems, big kids big problems". Once again I reflect on how different life might be if I'd got my act/stash together pre-kids and had more time and resources to try and figure this out. 

mrsnamemustache:
That sounds tough. Sounds like you are doing your best. I'm not a mom to teenagers so I don't know if this will work, but I'm wondering if it isn't worth it to make your kids go to therapy, at least for a session or two. A group format might work out well.

calimom:

--- Quote from: Julard on March 12, 2018, 06:17:05 PM ---Hi FI5,

Yes, they both need to see a psychologist, and both flatly refuse to go.  DS13 has a deep mistrust of mental health professionals (not completed unfounded unfortunately) and DS15... not sure exactly what the issue is, I suspect it's to do with what peers would think. He has an appointment with his paediatrician soon, so I may get some reinforcement on that front.  DS13 is the priority for pushing as his problems are more acute, but he'll be a tough nut to crack. 

DS15 does need a lot of love it's true, but god he makes it hard at times.  I took him dessert last night (his dad is only a few blocks away) and have brokered a sleepover at his grandparents house tonight, so he knows he's being thought of. Today I'm trying to prioritise my own sanity.

Someone said to me years ago "little kids little problems, big kids big problems". Once again I reflect on how different life might be if I'd got my act/stash together pre-kids and had more time and resources to try and figure this out.

--- End quote ---

First of all, no guilt about being a working parent. Most people are. Secondly, you deserve to be treated with respect in your own home. And third,  children don't get to choose if counseling is worthwhile or have suspicions about mental health practitioners. They are not geniuses. If they had dental  issues, would they get to choose whether or not to see a dentist? For your sake, and theirs, make the appointments and take them there. It's not an option.

Raising teenagers is hard! Stay in touch, stay in control.

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