We give her an allowance of $200/mo to buy what she needs but she wants more. Airpods, iPhone, name brand clothes, first car, etc. I gave her my old GS7 and pay her phone bill each month. I was teaching her to drive but she said "for what, I'll just take Uber." She jokes around about staying with us for longer but I tell her after graduation she's on her own.
Any advice on how to go about getting through to her and making her more mature or getting her ready for life? Am I being too strict or harsh? She has 2 years and they'll come quick.
Your words are too strict, but not your actions -- does that make sense?
Okay, my DD is almost 20, has access to a car and still pretty much refuses to drive (she has a bus pass through school and chooses to take transit for 100min versus drive the car for 36 minutes). DD is quite a successful young adult in her life, all things considered. Not driving is a real thing these days with many young adults, so don't think that it is because of her personality. Treat the Uber comment as a joke. I used to reply "Okay, that's fine, you don't ever have to drive after you get your license if you don't want to, but one of the fundamental tasks for me as a parent is to get you to be a fully functioning adult, and having a driver's license is one of those core things". Then I repeat about how many jobs I have had over the years that required my driving ability from time to time and I would not have been hired without it, or point out that the suburbs are a lot lower to live in but you need a car... etc. I remind her that this is about creating choices for her future.
(note, the DL thing might be different if you are in the middle of a downtown like NYC).
What I want to caution you about -- it is INCREDIBLY, HIGHLY STRESSFUL for a teen to think that they will be 100% on their own after graduation. Just look up the impact this has for kids exiting foster care. It is horrific. My son graduates this year, my daughter is in 3rd year university. Several of their friends were in this position to be "on their own" at 18. So much so that it leads many many teens to make horrible mistakes, being frozen with anxiety, stop working at school, stop having hope, etc. Don't do this.
Instead, give a message of intending to help them learn skills and be fully successful after graduation, talk about the different skill sets needed, let them know that although they may need to leave the house by September after graduation (September is to give them time to earn money to get started, find a place, slow start), that you will still be in their lives supporting them through the first couple of years, they can do this, etc. You will help them find a place, fill out insurance forms, file taxes, feed a meal in your home, be their emergency call if they are stuck somewhere, etc for the first year until they are confident.
Skills I think are required of someone by the time they graduate:
1) Have experience in a job, part-time, or summer, with a regular paycheck
2) Driver's license
3) Know how to small talk with strangers, meet people, treat BF or GF and other relationships with respect.
4) Know how to go to the medical clinic and dentist (make appointment, show up, talk to doctor about questions, get birth control on their own)
5) Know how credit cards work, bank accounts, how to pay a bill or contest a charge (phone bill is a great starting place).
6) Graduate Highschool.
7) Know how to make at least 5 basic cooked meals from scratch with basic ingredients. Once they have 5, the rest becomes easy.
8) Know how to do laundry and clean a toilet.
9) Posess a resume before they leave home, and a token cover letter as a template.
10)Comfortable taking transit.
For my kids, earning their own money was a wonderful turning point. They started to have confidence in themselves that they could figure out life and eventually become independent.
It feels great to earn your own money, in a job that is not through family, and have that deposited regularly into your own bank account.
PS -- I am sure this is not you, but NEVER "Lock-out" a teenager overnight. This is soul crushing for them when their safe place is barred. Take away all devices, or ground them or whatever, but don't lock them out, ever, before they graduate high school.