Parents refusing to accept child's birthday gift from classmate

[c-kat]

Hello,

My daughter (age 5) was supposed to attend the birthday party of a classmate, but she came down with the stomach flu and couldn't go.  She was devastated but we were following the public health rules.  I texted the parents and explained , they said no problem, hope she feels better.

Once my daughter returned to school, I brought the gift we were going to give her at the party and approached the parent with it.  He said, "No thanks.  I don't want it." I was quite shocked. I said, "but my daughter picked this out and made a beautiful card." He said " My daughter has too much stuff, so no, we don't want it. Save it for next year."

I checked the party invite. There was no mention of the party being gift free so I can only assume that gifts were received at the party. And we had already bought the gift because we thought we'd be attending. I get they might be minimalists, but am I wrong in finding this rude?

It's also created an issue because my daughter told her she has a gift for her, but fo course, now she keeps wondering where it is and thinks my daughter is lying.

[nessness]

You're not wrong - that's super rude. Maybe he's just feeling overwhelmed from how many gifts they received, but he should still have graciously accepted yours, and donated/regifted it later if he wanted to.

I would suggest  giving your daughter the card to give to her friend at school, and save the gift to give at another party.

[reeshau]

That's rude on his part, but what are you going to do about it?  They're 5, they'll move on.

I love the idea of giving the card.

DW tried to use a subtle message for DS's 7th birthday:  "your presence is the present."

Still had 13 of the 20 attendees bring a present.  Made some of the others feel bad.  We had to follow up and reassure them we did indeed mean it.  It was a difficult balance of messaging between the two populations, and with DS.

[EngineerOurFI]

That's rude on his part, but what are you going to do about it?  They're 5, they'll move on.

I love the idea of giving the card.

DW tried to use a subtle message for DS's 7th birthday:  "your presence is the present."

Still had 13 of the 20 attendees bring a present.  Made some of the others feel bad.  We had to follow up and reassure them we did indeed mean it.  It was a difficult balance of m3ssaging between the two populationsm, and with DS.

We have same issues.  We'd love to basically host a birthday party for our kids and NOT get tons of extraneous gifts our kids genuinely don't need - but it seems to be unavoidable because if we basically say something like "your presence is the present" we still get gifts and then others are upset.  We've just learned to accept the gifts are inevitable.  My kid still has 4-5 unopened gifts from a birthday party 6 months ago.  I honestly think we're just going to give them to goodwill.  He genuinely has way too many toys already even though my wife and I literally don't buy him toys.  I know this sounds like #firstworldproblems it's just shocking how much crap you get when grandparents are still alive and you have birthday parties for your kids.  My childhood was very different, I guess.

He said, "No thanks.  I don't want it." I was quite shocked. I said, "but my daughter picked this out and made a beautiful card." He said " My daughter has too much stuff, so no, we don't want it. Save it for next year."

As noted above, while I understand and am highly empathetic to the plight of "too much stuff".....THIS behavior is incredibly rude.   The ONLY correct answer would be for the other person to have said "Oh my gosh, you're so sweet.  You didn't have to do that.  Little ______ will love this so much! Thank you!"  Even if the person was internally thinking "omg my house doesn't have room for this."

[jeninco]

For future ideas, the last time we had a little kid party, we asked everyone to bring a book (preferably used) that s/he had enjoyed. The kids then each got to choose one to take home. (I don't remember how we resolved disputes: probably we played a game to assign everyone an order for choosing.)

Win/win!

[jac941]

I can’t stand the gifts at the kid parties, and I explicitly put in all invites for my kids’ parties “no gifts”. If someone insists, I suggest they bring a book or toy their child is done with and leave it at that. Homemade cards are also welcome. We NEVER open any gifts that people do bring at the party.

I think the way the dad approached this was rude because it wasn’t explicit in the invite. He also definitely should’ve accepted the card at least. That said, I completely understand why he turned down the gift. It’s a ton of work to donate / hand down all the crap that comes into our house. And if he just intended to immediately donate it, he probably thought he was saving you some effort for the next party. While he was rude, at least he was honest.

In any event, live and learn and don’t buy a gift for that kid in the future.

[c-kat]

I can’t stand the gifts at the kid parties, and I explicitly put in all invites for my kids’ parties “no gifts”. If someone insists, I suggest they bring a book or toy their child is done with and leave it at that. Homemade cards are also welcome. We NEVER open any gifts that people do bring at the party.

I think the way the dad approached this was rude because it wasn’t explicit in the invite. He also definitely should’ve accepted the card at least. That said, I completely understand why he turned down the gift. It’s a ton of work to donate / hand down all the crap that comes into our house. And if he just intended to immediately donate it, he probably thought he was saving you some effort for the next party. While he was rude, at least he was honest.

In any event, live and learn and don’t buy a gift for that kid in the future.

The thing is that I confirmed that everyone invited did bring a gift to the party and they were opened at the party. So IMHO since my daughter had been invited, he should have accepted it.  His daughter is now mad at mine for not giving her a gift, so obviously the father didn't tell her that we tried to give him one. Anyway, they are only 5, but the whole thing really annoyed me.  I could have used the money I spent on the gift on something else. My daughter put a lot of time into making the card - she's learning to do nice things for others and when someone doesn't even accept the nice homemade card, what does that teach her - that what she has made isn't good enough?

Anyway, the gift was a collaborative boardgame, so I think I'm just going to give it to my kids to share. I was going to wait until Christmas but I think they would enjoy having a new game to play this summer.

[Adventine]

I think that's one family that you and your daughter are wise to avoid socializing with.

[charis]

I can’t stand the gifts at the kid parties, and I explicitly put in all invites for my kids’ parties “no gifts”. If someone insists, I suggest they bring a book or toy their child is done with and leave it at that. Homemade cards are also welcome. We NEVER open any gifts that people do bring at the party.

I think the way the dad approached this was rude because it wasn’t explicit in the invite. He also definitely should’ve accepted the card at least. That said, I completely understand why he turned down the gift. It’s a ton of work to donate / hand down all the crap that comes into our house. And if he just intended to immediately donate it, he probably thought he was saving you some effort for the next party. While he was rude, at least he was honest.

In any event, live and learn and don’t buy a gift for that kid in the future.

Rejecting a gift is flat out rude and unkind toward the giver, regardless of how you feel about it. A five year old made a card and pick out a gift for their friend. Children enjoy giving and getting gifts for their friends. They have big hearts and they like gifts, it's that simple. If you don't wants gifts, specify a donation to charity on the invite or a book exchange, don't host a party at which gifts are traditionally given, or invite less people. If you end up receiving a gift you don't want, for whatever reason, don't be rude. Suck it up, recognize that the other parent who is just as super busy as you went out of their way to do something nice for your child, and deal with the inconvenience of donating it.

[Dicey]

Can you teach your child how to address the card and mail it?

When my goddaughter was small, I told her mom i wasn't going to buy plastic presents. Instead, I would pay for a trip to Europe. She didn't end up going until she graduated from college. I'm happy to report she's there as we speak. Beats the heck out of anything else I could have given her.

[meandmyfamily]

Wow Dicey!  That is an amazing gift!

[marble_faun]

Definitely rude behavior from the dad.

I do get where he is coming from. Our own household is flooded with all kinds of unneeded kid stuff from our extended family, and it's constant source of irritation. BUT if this dad didn't want gifts from the party, he needed to tell the guests in advance. And now he is spurning a little girl's attempt to be generous and nice, while also leading his own daughter to be disappointed, and is generally just sowing bad feelings.

We've only hosted one real kid birthday party so far, but we spelled out on our invitations: "Please: No Gifts." Very direct with no ambiguity. It worked! We did receive a bunch of cute paper cards that the toddler guests had decorated themselves. That was fun.

[clairebonk]

I think we as a culture need to shift the mindset that giving people stuff is doing something nice no matter what the receiver feels. That is a cultural value of capitalism and the consumerist mindset and is why our landfills are overflowing. Other cultures have different customs about giving gifts, I particular like Robin Wall Kimmerers take*.

* https://indigenous.abbyschools.ca/sites/default/files/3.%20%20The%20Gift%20of%20Strawberries%20Excerpt_0.pdf

[nessness]

I think we as a culture need to shift the mindset that giving people stuff is doing something nice no matter what the receiver feels. That is a cultural value of capitalism and the consumerist mindset and is why our landfills are overflowing. Other cultures have different customs about giving gifts, I particular like Robin Wall Kimmerers take*.

* https://indigenous.abbyschools.ca/sites/default/files/3.%20%20The%20Gift%20of%20Strawberries%20Excerpt_0.pdf

I don't disagree with you in general, but I don't think it applies to this situation. If someone hosts a birthday party - an event at which gifts are generally expected in our culture - and does not want gifts, they have an obligation to let attendees know that BEFORE gifts are purchased (e.g., on the invitation). Creating an implied obligation to purchase a gift, then refusing the gift, is simply rude.