One of my kids hates travel

[nic1]

This is totally not a relevant topic in the present moment due to COVID, but has been an issue for the last couple years and I wanted to reach out to fellow parents who may have experience with this.
My older child is 15, sophomore in high school.  Loves to travel, wants to go to Europe, see more places in the US, does not mind flying or travel at all.
My younger child is 12, going into 7th grade.  Much more introverted personality, but has a couple best friends and is not a complete homebody.  But does prefer staying home unless it is something she really wants to do.  Starting 3-4 years ago she would cry when we went to Ohio for a week to see family, cry when we were at the beach with our extended family for the week. Usually half way through the week this would happen, she seemed to be fine for a few days, but would get so homesick after those first few days.  She has started getting upset before long trips also.   She loves going to the beach and staying at a condo where she can bring her Pug and she feels more at home, so these types of trips have been really enjoyable for her. 
She does not like flying or very long trips though, and then when we get to new places she really does not enjoy most or any of the sightseeing or activities that I plan.  I thought about planning an Arizona trip but I can see her not enjoying that at all, and having to deal with unhappiness and dragging her around everywhere. 
My kids have grown up traveling, quite a lot, we fly somewhere once or twice a year.  This seems to be a nature versus nurture thing, I just don't think she is going to enjoy the type of travel that we want to do.
So, should I just stick with doing trips to the beach or mountains in a "home" like setting with our dog?   I thought about planning trips with just my husband and I and paying a trusted sitter to stay with them, but my older child really likes to travel.  My husband and I both like to travel, so she definately did not get this from us, but traveling with a miserable child is not worth it.  We have had a couple trips recently that I thought to myself we are not doing this again...Anyone with a similar situation? Maybe we just accept just doing close road trips with the dog until she is old enough to stay home alone at 17 or 18.  I hate the thought of no adventure or seeing anything new for 5 years though. 

[ixtap]

First, how can you not have any adventures within driving distance of home?! Adventure is as adventure does, not a place.

At first I saw the age and gender thought "yep, hormones suck." But as I read, this sounds like more than that.

Have you asked her to help you plan a trip? Start with one of those road trips she likes and find someplace new to explore/ a new way to explore an old stomping ground. Add deep sea fishing to a trip to the beach. Charter a boat instead of staying in a house or hotel (actually, probably can't take the doggo for that, just brainstorming). Look for quirky things to do.

Would she feel differently if she could bring a friend along? Again, start with a shorter road trip to make sure it works. Or, could she stay with a friend while you travel?

[nic1]

Great suggestions.  I agree, we certainly can have more adventures within driving distance and we have traveled a lot within an 8 hour drive, which is about all my husband and I can do comfortably.  There are a lot of places not within driving distance that we want to see though.  She does like boating and we usually do a boat tour on most of our beach trips.  I have really tried to mix it up doing things that she would like.
I do not think that bringing a friend would help.  She is not necessarily bored with us, she actually really enjoys just hanging out with me, she just has very limited things that she enjoys.  This may change, or it may not, which is fine, we all have different personalities.  My father in law is very much like this, does not enjoy travel, when he comes to visit he is so ready to leave after a couple days.  I know now it is nothing personal, he just really likes being home and in his own space.  This is exactly my child, I guess those genes skipped my husband and went to her, haha.  Again, nothing wrong with that at all, we don't all need to love to travel.  It is just hard as a parent that does want to travel to figure out a way to keep that something for me, but not force her to do something she absolutely hates. 

[ixtap]

She is 12. It is just a couple of years until she can choose to stay home.

Hmmm, how would she and grandpa do together while you travel? Two introverts can go either way on that....

[Sibley]

Source: I think I'm your daughter as an adult.

I'm hesitant to suggest that you just leave the 12yo behind. Even if she wouldn't enjoy the trip, being excluded from the trip isn't a good thing. No, it's not logical. If you give her a choice between the trip and staying at home and she actively chooses to stay home, that is ok. But she would still feel left out to an extent. How much will vary. You will need to be careful to reinforce that she's a wanted, loved member of the family group in other ways.

However, there's an element of she needs to learn to fake it. You can't be grumpy just because and damage business relationships. This isn't something that she'll learn overnight, but she needs to start laying the groundwork. There's puberty probably at play here too which doesn't help. The emotion isn't the problem, its the behavior. Enforce the behavior, sympathize with the emotion.

[Fru-Gal]

Wow, what a blessing your daughter is! She is giving you new insights. The last couple of years, marketing convinced us all that "experiences" were more important than things, leading to an unsustainable explosion in global travel. Because this is the new way people keep up with the Joneses, people plan all kinds of ludicrous trips and ignore the gems nearby or at least on their continent.

Honestly, airplane travel and so much tourism is awful when you really think about it. I think it's almost like the plastic surgery addiction some have, where the novelty-seeking cycle repeats -- you just want to be forced out of your armchair and go somewhere new, sit in some plastic hotel room, check a bunch of sightseeing markers off your list, then gratefully fall back in your comfy bed at home when it's all over.

(Don't get me wrong, I have traveled a lot... but am LOVING the pandemic because it removes that whole pressure to try to get out and travel, which for me is a real headache! We have created a Shangri-La at home in the interim.)

I know this is a rant... here's where I'm going with it: You've identified some of the things she doesn't like, like sightseeing, the forced-march aspect of getting from point A to point B, not being in her own custom homey delicious space with her loving pet... My suggestion is (when the pandemic is over) to define some places that ARE homes away from home for her. For us there are a few of these, and we only go 1 or 2x a year to these places (2-5 driving hours away), yet I always sleep like a baby because my body treats it like home. They can be camping spots, relatives' homes, etc. Making a tradition may improve this experience for her. Because I agree that leaving her out is not advisable. However, if the adventures were local and you all reconvened at home, then she wouldn't feel left out if she stayed home and didn't participate.

For the novelty-seeking side of travel, I am genuinely interested, in a post-pandemic world, in how to create hyper local tourism/adventure experiences.
 

[MoseyingAlong]

As a tween and teenager, I eventually hated family trips. I'm a strong introvert and there was no time or place to get away from everyone.
On your trips, does she have her own room or tent and a few hours a day where she can do her own thing? Or is it go-go-go everything together? That can be exhausting and led to tears for me.

[Dee18]

My sister disliked traveling...and particularly camping which was the way my family afforded traveling all over the U.S. with our annual two week vacations. I urge you not to abandon traveling that the three of you enjoy to accommodate the one who does not without looking into this more.  Have you been able to discern what bothers her most?  Is she happy to go as long as she can spend part of the day relaxing in the Airbnb with one family member while the other two go out and about? You may have already considered this, but could she go to a one week camp with one of her best friends?  Could you hire someone to stay with her in the house while the rest of you travel?  If none of those are options, I would have her talk to a counselor to try to figure out if there is more to this.  It may indeed just be that she is introverted or that the manner in which you travel is too activity filled. But if there is an underlying problem of serious distress with new situations, there might be ways to have it be less stressful.  If none of that works, be sure she is learning the skills to stay home alone.  At 15 I would think she could be home with someone just coming in to spend the night.  I have to confess that I did not like to spend a week with extended family, especially around that age when one is not quite child and certainly not an adult.  Even now I think 3 days is the perfect amount of time with relatives!

[mm1970]

My kids hate travel.  I like travel.  We compromise.  They bitch and moan about every trip.  I tell them "it's not about you. This trip is for me, suck it up and be nice."

Example: they hate long car trips.  When we plan a trip, they complain.  Last time I asked the then 13 yo what he wants.  "Well, Hawaii would be fine.  Condo, pool, etc."  We booked that (canceled though due to Corona).

What this means is most time off fits their requirements, and they are required to be nice for my trips.  Thanksgiving time we did a short (4 day) trip, and the teen complained about how he's going to HATE it.  He gets car sick, hates hiking etc.  We stayed in a cabin, played board games, watched bad TV, hiked, ate pizza, read books.

The day we left the cabin, it had just started snowing.  He says, from the back seat "wow, look at that, it's so beautiful!  What a great place and fun time."  And he was not being sarcastic.

Essentially, though he doesn't like the same things that we do, he DOES like our attention.  He gets our undivided attention on vacations.

[EricEng]

Example: they hate long car trips.  When we plan a trip, they complain.

This confuses me in this day and age.  I hated 12+ hour car trips as a child because I would only have a few short books brought along and limited to reading by daylight.  Also had a game gear with a very limited library.  Now you can have endless kindle books, movies on tablet, vast music libraries.  Part of my career for a few years as an adult involved 12-24 hour trips every couple weeks and I enjoyed them.  Tons of reading, movies, music on my tablet.   

For the OP, it sounds like the child has some anxiety issues that probably extend beyond just the travel.  The travel just shows the symptoms really well.

[Jouer]

If she continues to dislike travel, is there a way to do separate things with your son and with her?

What does she like? Can you travel with son but then make a special [whatever she likes] event that's just for you and her, that your son isn't invited to? That way both receive the same amount of parental attention...by doing the activity they enjoy.

[Fru-Gal]

Not sure how to be diplomatic about this but I think there is a tendency now days to attribute differences in personality to anxiety. It's as if we're all on a vast treadmill of experiences and expectations and we're being shouted at by a chorus of voices yelling "You are all unique" while others yell "If you are different we will help you conform!"

I'm assuming the usual reticence to do anything parents/family want to do en masse is not the issue. Getting my boys out of the house is ridiculously hard. I often give up. But in the end they love it. Letting them plan, as @mm1970 said, is a great idea.

I just want to push back on this concept that your child's preferences are a sign of mental illness. I blame Freud for this, I guess. Now that I think about it I grew up with similar guilt trips from my parents including accusations of depression (manic depression was a big one back then, it was often believed to be caused by sugar LOL) and guess what, thanks to several decades of experience and observing true mental illness I can now recognize there's nothing wrong with me.

[kanga1622]

I'd hate to say that leaving her at home is the option. But have you sat down to have an open conversation about what she likes and doesn't like about each of your last few trips? She may surprise you in what she reveals.

I have 2 boys with pretty opposite personalities. While they are young, we've been pretty okay with planning anything. But they are already (10 and 7) voicing strong preferences in even simple things like taking a walk through the neighborhood! So for the trip that we had planned this summer (maybe we will take it next year), we let them both research things that could be done in the area and they each got to pick a few things to put on our agenda. One is very interested in gems so he wants to visit caves and do a mining tour. The other wants to take a train ride. We just agree that you don't get to complain about the other choice because this is a family vacation. But we also make sure not to overschedule and provide time for hanging out at the pool or other down time.

If it helps, we went to visit family in Germany when I was about 14. I did a few of the tours with my parents but spent several days just hanging out in the apartment while my parents and the other adults did tours that were not interesting to me. I still remember the tours I chose and was glad to be dragged along on one I would have otherwise skipped. But I cried most of the plane trip there as I HATE flying.

[Morning Glory]

Example: they hate long car trips.  When we plan a trip, they complain.

This confuses me in this day and age.  I hated 12+ hour car trips as a child because I would only have a few short books brought along and limited to reading by daylight.  Also had a game gear with a very limited library.  Now you can have endless kindle books, movies on tablet, vast music libraries.  Part of my career for a few years as an adult involved 12-24 hour trips every couple weeks and I enjoyed them.  Tons of reading, movies, music on my tablet.   

For the OP, it sounds like the child has some anxiety issues that probably extend beyond just the travel.  The travel just shows the symptoms really well.

I cannot read or watch a screen in a car, bus, or train without being sick. I need to be looking out the window (preferably the front window) at all times. I can read on a plane once it's in the air but not while it's taxiing. I even get motion sickness from watching some scenes in movies when I'm not in a moving vehicle.

I had some horrible family road trips as a child (the AC going out on the way to Florida in the summer was probably the worst). Also there were too few bathroom breaks, and we always drove straight through.

It sounds like the car/plane ride is not what's bothering OP's daughter though. I agree with those who said to ask her.

[mm1970]

Example: they hate long car trips.  When we plan a trip, they complain.

This confuses me in this day and age.  I hated 12+ hour car trips as a child because I would only have a few short books brought along and limited to reading by daylight.  Also had a game gear with a very limited library.  Now you can have endless kindle books, movies on tablet, vast music libraries.  Part of my career for a few years as an adult involved 12-24 hour trips every couple weeks and I enjoyed them.  Tons of reading, movies, music on my tablet.   

For the OP, it sounds like the child has some anxiety issues that probably extend beyond just the travel.  The travel just shows the symptoms really well.

I cannot read or watch a screen in a car, bus, or train without being sick. I need to be looking out the window (preferably the front window) at all times. I can read on a plane once it's in the air but not while it's taxiing. I even get motion sickness from watching some scenes in movies when I'm not in a moving vehicle.

I had some horrible family road trips as a child (the AC going out on the way to Florida in the summer was probably the worst). Also there were too few bathroom breaks, and we always drove straight through.

It sounds like the car/plane ride is not what's bothering OP's daughter though. I agree with those who said to ask her.

My big kid gets carsick.  He really doesn't like dramamine anymore.  Our big car is a Matrix, packed to the gills.

Husband and I are too old to really drive straight through.  6 hours is our limit, which takes 9 with bathroom, gas, and food stops.  A long car trip is 2 days in each direction (Like CA to Utah).  Even to the Sierras is a single day, and they don't like it.  Any place scenic has very curvy roads.  Let's just say I know what flaming hot cheetos look like coming out...and we left some in Ouray, CO.

We drive to San Diego once, and hit really bad traffic.  4.5 hour trip took 8.  That trip, we rented an SUV, and ended up with a Yukon. SO MUCH BETTER and with captain's chairs they literally could not touch each other.

[nic1]

All of these suggestions really help.  I really needed that post about how experiences and travel have become the new keeping up with the joneses.  I really see that in my area.  We live in a fairly affluent area on the lake, we probably have the lowest cost, smallest home for our income for anyone that I know.  We are not super frugal by any means, I really like luxury travel, like high end 5 star resorts and carribean trips once a year.  I enjoy those and don't see it as trying to keep up with anyone, but I do think that you start to crave the newness.  I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing, but something I need to be cognizant of.  I also think I could get just as much enjoyment and more relaxation going to our favorite beach spot more often, as opposed to planning really expensive, long trips to far off places.  Especially when I know that one of my kids will not enjoy it. 
I think for that sort of travel though we will just do as a couple.  My older child loves it, but you are typically stuffed into a beautiful, but very small hotel room, you have to eat out, (which my younger child hates), and everything is uber expensive.  We really don't pack our days full on vacation, I usually plan one activity a day, I know she can only take so much and I don't think that is the problem.  I really think she just prefers being home.  She loves her animals, (she has a pug and a conure) that are very attached to her. She does have ADD and some mood issues, sometimes low and a little anxiety that she sees a therapist for.  That may be in play  a little with the travel, and I plan to discuss with her therapist some ideas to help if she has problems on our next trip.

I have asked her what activities she would like or what type of travel she would like so many times. 
She really just likes somewhere we can drive, and bring her pug, a small condo or cabin that she can have meals in her own space and one activity a day.  She enjoys boating, which we do on almost all our trips, biking, and hiking if it is moderate.  We have done some really hard hikes that did not go well, haha....but we made it.  Our most recent beach trip we did that and she had a great time.  She did say she missed her room and house a little, but no crying and she had a wonderful time biking and being on the beach, so really for her it was perfect. 

I really think that it comes down to me adjusting my expectations.  Planning trips that are a longer travel time, with more sight seeing either in 4-5 years, (she is almost 13 and would be 18 by then).  Or, planning them with my husband and having the kids stay home.  My older daughter really wants to go to France in 3 years when she graduates, I think by then I can figure out somewhere my younger daughter can stay while we go, she would be almost 16.  She is a really great kid, never a behavior problem at all, so I am sure I could trust her with a friend or family member.
A long term goal of ours is to buy a small beach condo at our favorite spot, so that may be an option to do sooner rather than later and that be our main go to spot as a family. 
Thanks for all the insight, really does help.

[Morning Glory]

Restaurant meals  might be the triggering factor, rather than travel itself. Does your child have food allergies? GERD? Heartburn and indigestion can lead to poor sleep, which can be disastrous in a person who already has a mood disorder.

[skp]

Boy does this bring back memories. I thought I was being a great parent.  We took my kids everywhere.  We went to Nebraska, they camped under Chimney Rock, took a covered wagon ride on the Oregon Trail, stayed in Fort Robinson State Park in a adobe 1800 officers quarters.  Saw Mt Rushmore. We went on a houseboat to Lake Powell, saw the grand canyon, spent a couple days in Vegas without gambling.  They went to Chicago, and Boston, New Orleans, and a bunch of beach vacations/ state parks.  To a dude ranch in Colorado.  We went on a lot of ski vacations.  I don't know if all that traveling/ effort  was such a good idea. I thought I was doing a good thing.  My 32 year old still complains about how "mean" I was making him walk the Freedom Trail in Boston when he was in second grade. Other son could have cared less about the ski vacations.  I thought they liked it. Guess not.  The funny thing is, recently first son and his inlaws went to Boston and rode the red bus along the Freedom Trail and never once got off.  I just think that is so weird.  At least he found a family that is more "kindrid spirit" than we are.  I think you are way ahead of me in that you are at least considering them/ her when planning a vacation.  Too late, but I try now to find vacations that everyone will mostly enjoy.  First of all I make them SHORT!!!   My husband and I like nature and hiking. They like restaurants and activities.  We went to New York City.  That worked. We did urban hiking.  Went to the theatre.  Ate at some good restaurants= though are another issue different food tastes.  They like hamburgers and fairly plain food.  I can get a hamburger at home.  If I go out to eat I want something special.  We found an Irish restaurant that worked out  OK.  Everyone has their limits though- They casinos- sorry THAT I am not willing to compromise on. 

[MissPeach]

I'm in a similar boat with a kiddo who hates to fly and aging relatives across the country I'll need to visit. I'm going to offer kiddo the choice of that one since it's more of a must have. Not sure what I'm doing yet on the nice to have trips.

[Fru-Gal]

Consider the train, it's amazing!

[ender]

This is older, but when I was a kid I hated vacationing with my parents for a bunch of reasons.

One of them was that I would much rather have stayed home and spent time with friends. Another was I didn't like being forced to spend time with my family in a way my parents wanted.

I'm curious what your kid would say if you asked "Tell me what it is about traveling that you don't like?"  It may take multiple attempts and a lot of waiting in silence for an answer, but if your kid can articulate what it is that they don't like (I'm worried about the dogs when they're at the kennels.  or  I hate having to share a room. or I like having time alone every day.) then you can work with the kid to address their specific frustrations/fears/discomforts.  For all we know (without the kid's input), this might be a simple issue that's getting blown up into a big deal.  My best wishes for finding a fix that allows everyone to be comfortable when you travel.

+1

My parents never asked or seemed interested in understanding my opinion on our family vacations. They had the "but we are doing something so good for you how can you not like it?!" attitude.

[Jouer]

This is older, but when I was a kid I hated vacationing with my parents for a bunch of reasons.

One of them was that I would much rather have stayed home and spent time with friends. Another was I didn't like being forced to spend time with my family in a way my parents wanted.

I'm curious what your kid would say if you asked "Tell me what it is about traveling that you don't like?"  It may take multiple attempts and a lot of waiting in silence for an answer, but if your kid can articulate what it is that they don't like (I'm worried about the dogs when they're at the kennels.  or  I hate having to share a room. or I like having time alone every day.) then you can work with the kid to address their specific frustrations/fears/discomforts.  For all we know (without the kid's input), this might be a simple issue that's getting blown up into a big deal.  My best wishes for finding a fix that allows everyone to be comfortable when you travel.

+1

My parents never asked or seemed interested in understanding my opinion on our family vacations. They had the "but we are doing something so good for you how can you not like it?!" attitude.

Likely an example of "I don't really care what you like....this vacation is for us (adults), too". Not everything is about the kids....sometimes they have to suck it up and do something they dislike.

[MissPeach]

This is older, but when I was a kid I hated vacationing with my parents for a bunch of reasons.

One of them was that I would much rather have stayed home and spent time with friends. Another was I didn't like being forced to spend time with my family in a way my parents wanted.

I'm curious what your kid would say if you asked "Tell me what it is about traveling that you don't like?"  It may take multiple attempts and a lot of waiting in silence for an answer, but if your kid can articulate what it is that they don't like (I'm worried about the dogs when they're at the kennels.  or  I hate having to share a room. or I like having time alone every day.) then you can work with the kid to address their specific frustrations/fears/discomforts.  For all we know (without the kid's input), this might be a simple issue that's getting blown up into a big deal.  My best wishes for finding a fix that allows everyone to be comfortable when you travel.

+1

My parents never asked or seemed interested in understanding my opinion on our family vacations. They had the "but we are doing something so good for you how can you not like it?!" attitude.

I can relate as a kid. My parents made me do something with them EVERY weekend as a teen that I hated when I just wanted to see friends. I still have no desire to do that activity and joke it was my childhood prison.

[mm1970]

I can relate as a kid. My parents made me do something with them EVERY weekend as a teen that I hated when I just wanted to see friends. I still have no desire to do that activity and joke it was my childhood prison.

We have been making our kids join us on family walks every other Saturday.  Oh the complaints.  But here's the thing: what else are they going to do?  They can't see their friends because: COVID.

We only do it every other Saturday because it sucks Monkey balls to have an 8 yo cry for 1.3 miles and a teen moan for 1.3 miles before they both decide to suck it up and enjoy the last mile.

On alternate Saturdays we go alone with the dog, and she loves our long walks (5-6 miles without the kids).

[cpa cat]

Why not plan vacations that are 1 adult, 1 child?

Mom + Older Child go somewhere adventurous in year 1. Dad + Younger Child stay home and do stuff Young Child likes.

In year two, the parents swap.

Nothing wrong with some one on one time with your kids. It's just a couple of years until they're out of the house.

[ender]

Likely an example of "I don't really care what you like....this vacation is for us (adults), too". Not everything is about the kids....sometimes they have to suck it up and do something they dislike.

Sure.

And now that I'm older, I have a crappy relationship with my parents because they consistently prioritized their needs over mine, so I guess it worked out for them.

[mountainmama]

As an introvert, I can understand the frustrations of staying in a hotel with family. It's very hard to get that feeling of being 'alone', which can be exhausting. For the airplane, has she tried noise cancelling headphones? Planes can be very loud and they can also help you feel like you're in your own space.

[mountain mustache]

I feel like I was and am just like your daughter. I used to hate even traveling a few hours to stay with my cousins for the weekend or week. I would get SO homesick, and exhausted by the constant stimulus of being in someone else's space with all of these people.  I loved my room, my house, my dog, my familiar routine, quiet spaces, etc. Luckily my parents never forced any exotic international vacations on me, and we mostly took road trips as a kid. But I remember being gone on road trips for 7-10 days and just wondering if I would ever get to go back to my room at home. My brother would count down the days until we would leave for vacation, and I would be counting down the days of vacation until we got to go home. Haha. Part of it was spending that much time in close quarters with my family...which even at 10 years old I could identify was not the best situation for me. But I just really really hated traveling and being away from home. I still really do!

I've never understood this idea that everyone has to love traveling, or want to leave home for "adventures." I have plenty of adventures by riding my bike out my door, and returning home the same day and sleeping in my own bed. As an adult I have adjusted to going to visit friends, etc because it is really important to me to maintain friendships with people I don't get to see all the time. But you would never catch me spending money to voluntarily take a trip just for the sake of it. I have good friends who travel constantly, always going new places, and honestly they seem exhausted, and just listening to their plans makes me exhausted too. I think there is a real "trend" of being well traveled and seeing as many places as possible but man...it's an expensive, exhausting, and overwhelming trend in my opinion.

This is just my personal feeling, but as a 12 year old if my parents and sibling decided to go on a trip and left me in the care of a friend or family member that I really liked, I would have been over the moon. As long as I was in my home, in my space, I would have loved that, but everyone is different....I wasn't so close to my parents or sibling and we definitely weren't a "warm and fuzzy" kind of family. I was also pretty self reliant at 12, and really just needed someone in the house at night so I wouldn't get spooked by a dark empty house.

[cupcakery]

I would definitely plan more local trips and have her help you with the planning.  I wouldn't give up altogether.  She may not love it, but if everyone else does, sometimes you just need to suck it up.  I have one kid that loves traveling more than anything.  My husband and other kids like it, but don't crave it.  So that kid and I go on an adventure vacation every year.  I plan things with my husband and other kids that are more aligned with their interests.  When we do go on a family vacation I make sure that I plan activities so that everyone is happy at least some of the time and sometimes we are just there to support someone else's quirky interest.  I have learned to add in downtime, even though I hate it, because otherwise my daughter gets really cranky.  She can't be on the go all the time or she makes everyone miserable.

[MissPeach]

I can relate as a kid. My parents made me do something with them EVERY weekend as a teen that I hated when I just wanted to see friends. I still have no desire to do that activity and joke it was my childhood prison.

Likely an example of "I don't really care what you like....this vacation is for us (adults), too". Not everything is about the kids....sometimes they have to suck it up and do something they dislike.

Sure.

And now that I'm older, I have a crappy relationship with my parents because they consistently prioritized their needs over mine, so I guess it worked out for them.

I feel the same now as an adult. Kiddo goes nuts without the electronics but they need to get cut off at times. I remember going on long family walks as a kid to go get ice cream and such. If it were that sort of stuff I would have gotten over it. But literally every weekend being treated like you're grounded when you're a good kid is what did it to me.

As a parent I can see both sides of this now. Kiddo can make and provide input into some decisions but I get to do so too - especially since I'm paying for it. I get into this argument with kiddo over going out to eat. If we go out to eat 4 times I'm good with kiddo picking 1-2 places and having input into the others. Most of the things kiddo wants I can't eat and it's not healthy for kiddo (mostly fast food and I have food allergies which makes it hard for me to eat fast food nor do I want it). Kiddo seems to want to pick EVERY place. This is where a parent comes in IMO to do things like 'let's rotate who chooses' and other house rules to get past the struggles each time. But I also give kiddo an allowance and a small amount of 'treat' money they can use towards the things I don't want to buy like chips and candy.

[Jouer]

I can relate as a kid. My parents made me do something with them EVERY weekend as a teen that I hated when I just wanted to see friends. I still have no desire to do that activity and joke it was my childhood prison.

Likely an example of "I don't really care what you like....this vacation is for us (adults), too". Not everything is about the kids....sometimes they have to suck it up and do something they dislike.

Sure.

And now that I'm older, I have a crappy relationship with my parents because they consistently prioritized their needs over mine, so I guess it worked out for them.

I feel the same now as an adult. Kiddo goes nuts without the electronics but they need to get cut off at times. I remember going on long family walks as a kid to go get ice cream and such. If it were that sort of stuff I would have gotten over it. But literally every weekend being treated like you're grounded when you're a good kid is what did it to me.

As a parent I can see both sides of this now. Kiddo can make and provide input into some decisions but I get to do so too - especially since I'm paying for it. I get into this argument with kiddo over going out to eat. If we go out to eat 4 times I'm good with kiddo picking 1-2 places and having input into the others. Most of the things kiddo wants I can't eat and it's not healthy for kiddo (mostly fast food and I have food allergies which makes it hard for me to eat fast food nor do I want it). Kiddo seems to want to pick EVERY place. This is where a parent comes in IMO to do things like 'let's rotate who chooses' and other house rules to get past the struggles each time. But I also give kiddo an allowance and a small amount of 'treat' money they can use towards the things I don't want to buy like chips and candy.

Exactly. I'm not saying make every decision about the parents but some of them have to be. They have to have lives, too. And kids need to understand that they don't get everything they want and sometimes have to suck it up and deal with it. Not all the time. But sometimes.

[Just Joe]

I think for that sort of travel though we will just do as a couple.  My older child loves it, but you are typically stuffed into a beautiful, but very small hotel room, you have to eat out, (which my younger child hates), and everything is uber expensive.  We really don't pack our days full on vacation, I usually plan one activity a day, I know she can only take so much and I don't think that is the problem.  I really think she just prefers being home.  She loves her animals, (she has a pug and a conure) that are very attached to her. She does have ADD and some mood issues, sometimes low and a little anxiety that she sees a therapist for.  That may be in play  a little with the travel, and I plan to discuss with her therapist some ideas to help if she has problems on our next trip.

I have asked her what activities she would like or what type of travel she would like so many times. 
She really just likes somewhere we can drive, and bring her pug, a small condo or cabin that she can have meals in her own space and one activity a day.  She enjoys boating, which we do on almost all our trips, biking, and hiking if it is moderate.  We have done some really hard hikes that did not go well, haha....but we made it.  Our most recent beach trip we did that and she had a great time.  She did say she missed her room and house a little, but no crying and she had a wonderful time biking and being on the beach, so really for her it was perfect. 

I really think that it comes down to me adjusting my expectations.  Planning trips that are a longer travel time, with more sight seeing either in 4-5 years, (she is almost 13 and would be 18 by then).  Or, planning them with my husband and having the kids stay home.  My older daughter really wants to go to France in 3 years when she graduates, I think by then I can figure out somewhere my younger daughter can stay while we go, she would be almost 16.  She is a really great kid, never a behavior problem at all, so I am sure I could trust her with a friend or family member.
A long term goal of ours is to buy a small beach condo at our favorite spot, so that may be an option to do sooner rather than later and that be our main go to spot as a family. 
Thanks for all the insight, really does help.

You've just described our 14 year old teen. Prefers a bland, repetitive diet so eating out is not a treat unless a plain burger is available. Home is their safe place with the things they like to do the most. Not really an outgoing person, prefers to be at home doing their own thing. Not really eager to go shopping, exploring, or traveling.

However with age has come a tiny bit of flexibility. Maybe your daughter will experience that too. We try to stretch our teen's comfort zone - try new foods, just come along for company on this one-two hour thing we need to do, etc.

Yep anxiety. Therapist visits last year with mixed results. Going to see the therapist caused anxiety even. Like I said though a year later and things are better. I attribute it to hormones and perhaps too many allowances for our teen's inflexibility thus our efforts to stretch their comfort zone. Our teen has definitely had periods of not being comfortable in their own skin so to speak. Its getting better.

I think its important to do everything you say you're doing to spend time together but go slow. Rather than a full itinerary, make sure there is time for your teen to recharge and seek their own distractions. Maybe seek their help with the tasks of vacation - laundry or feeding everyone or setting up the family table game.