When did/will your kids get their first cell phone?

[Bobberth]

Our older two kids got a cell phone in 7th grade and we plan to do the same with our youngest. In 7th grade they joined school sports and we felt they needed a phone to be in contact with games/meets and rides home. They had Kindles, iPods and other devices to play games on before that but phones are when they are necessary. Which was 7th grade for us.

[KBecks]

Maybe 16, or when they get their first job.

[IslandFiGirl]

Good luck to all of you giving your kids cell phones at ANY age.  I will say this, I'm one of those "poor unfortunate parents" that had their kid do all of the bad things you can imagine with her cell phone.  It has ruined her and I regret ever giving the dang thing to her.  If you think you can trust your kid with a phone, EVEN a phone with no internet, PLEASE think again.  Trust is one thing, but monitoring is quite another and if you aren't at least checking thoroughly into your kid's phone, you are making a huge mistake.  Don't be me.  Be proactive.  Check.  Who are they texting?  What do the texts say?  Is the contact REALLY the person they've labelled it as?  Apps....you may not see the app on their phone right now, but don't doubt that they aren't deleting that app before they get home from school everyday so you don't see it.  For God's sake don't let the kid have the phone in their room overnight!  It's so easy to download apps and talk to strangers, and said strangers will ask these kids to do God knows what via video chats.  The kids are using these phones to bully each other via social media, text message, etc, and we know nothing about it because we can't see any of that.  It's very easy to miss.  Yes, I am on my soap box.  My kid was the one you could trust, the sweet one, the "oh she would never do THAT kid."  And so is yours. Be careful. 

[Jenny Wren]

13 in our house to get your first cheap, refurbed smartphone. We make a huge deal of it. They get the following as gifts on their 13th bday: state ID card, phone, a new wallet, a bus pass, and we open a checking account for them (except for younger, he had to wait until 14 due to new credit union rules). They become "young adults" in our home at 13, and we build up to this big time. It comes with privileges and a ton more responsibilities, but they are now junior adults in the household and they are treated as thus. If they keep their phone in pristine condition and have no usage issues, they can get a newer, more capable one at 15 in lieu of a birthday gift. We have few internet restrictions or rules. Just lots and lots of family discussions and education. I have one adult son that's about to head off to his junior year of college, and one teenager still at home. Never had any issues with bullying or other stuff. Some gaming issues with older son, but we taught him methods to control his own behavior rather than implementing restrictions that would have controlled it for him.

But then, I've been informed we do the parenting thing all wrong, so ::shrug:: We don't punish teens for misbehavior, for example. If they misuse their phone or the internet, they have already punished themselves. Since they knew there were no parent-induced repercussions, they were always honest and came to us when they made a mistake and got in over their heads, and then we could help them work through it. BUT there's no one right answer. Know yourself, know your kid, and do what's best for your family. Don't look to other families for a solution. They have a totally different dynamic. The dynamic that worked for our boys was likely set into motion at birth simply due to our innate parenting style and their personality types, it may not work for someone else.

[CrustyBadger]

Good luck to all of you giving your kids cell phones at ANY age.  I will say this, I'm one of those "poor unfortunate parents" that had their kid do all of the bad things you can imagine with her cell phone.  It has ruined her and I regret ever giving the dang thing to her. 

@IslandFiGirl, may I ask at what age your kid ran into what sounds like some horrible trouble using a phone?

Is he or she grown now?  One thing I wonder is what happens to kids when they turn 18 and move out.  If they had trouble using the internet and smartphones (or even just phones) carefully under the age of 18, do they improve at all once they hit adulthood?  Or do you as a parent just not know about it once they move out and are working to earn their own phone and plans?

[IslandFiGirl]

Good luck to all of you giving your kids cell phones at ANY age.  I will say this, I'm one of those "poor unfortunate parents" that had their kid do all of the bad things you can imagine with her cell phone.  It has ruined her and I regret ever giving the dang thing to her. 

@IslandFiGirl, may I ask at what age your kid ran into what sounds like some horrible trouble using a phone?

Is he or she grown now?  One thing I wonder is what happens to kids when they turn 18 and move out.  If they had trouble using the internet and smartphones (or even just phones) carefully under the age of 18, do they improve at all once they hit adulthood?  Or do you as a parent just not know about it once they move out and are working to earn their own phone and plans?

She was 12.  It was a variety of things, but most some sort of app that allowed people to video chat with each other, I can't remember the name, but there were adults on there victimizing kids.  Also bullying from other kids through instagram, snapchat, etc.  The kids will say the most awful things to each other and as the parent I didn't realize why my kid seemed so negative, moody, depressed, and felt worthless.  I think she became addicted to the phone and the attention she could receive through it.  The phone was taken away from her for over a year, a new one given at the start of high school and she was back to her old tricks within a few months.  She all of the sudden had the ability to communicate with all her friends, to plan to skip class, meet up with boys, you name it.  I'm not saying that every kid will do this, but mine did and now she has NO phone and my phone is in my room and I don't give a rat's a** about it anymore.  It's the devil in my opinion...we've stopped communicating with each other in real life.  It's a great tool, used properly, it's a map, a camera, e-mail, but it's also a tool that seems to be hurting a lot of people as well.  I just don't want anyone going through what I am going through now.  It's painful to see all of the awful crap your child can get into.  She is almost 15 now and she will surely be the "outcast" at school cuz she doesn't have a smart phone.  Wah, cry me a river.  We'll be working on house projects, volunteering at the animal shelter this summer and finding her things to do that don't involve sleepless nights glued to a phone.  And to be honest, my guess is that when she turns 18 she will probably get a phone and do the same crap, but I will do my best these next three years to show her another way. 

[Hula Hoop]

Good for you IslandFIgirl and I'm so sorry your family went through this.  I agree that phones are very dangerous and powerful tool.  Our current plan is to get a stupid phone next year for our 11 year old with only calling and texting.  Is she's the outcast then so be it.

[ilsy]

13 in our house to get your first cheap, refurbed smartphone. We make a huge deal of it. They get the following as gifts on their 13th bday: state ID card, phone, a new wallet, a bus pass, and we open a checking account for them (except for younger, he had to wait until 14 due to new credit union rules). They become "young adults" in our home at 13, and we build up to this big time. It comes with privileges and a ton more responsibilities, but they are now junior adults in the household and they are treated as thus. If they keep their phone in pristine condition and have no usage issues, they can get a newer, more capable one at 15 in lieu of a birthday gift. We have few internet restrictions or rules. Just lots and lots of family discussions and education. I have one adult son that's about to head off to his junior year of college, and one teenager still at home. Never had any issues with bullying or other stuff.Some gaming issues with older son, but we taught him methods to control his own behavior rather than implementing restrictions that would have controlled it for him.

But then, I've been informed we do the parenting thing all wrong, so ::shrug:: We don't punish teens for misbehavior, for example. If they misuse their phone or the internet, they have already punished themselves. Since they knew there were no parent-induced repercussions, they were always honest and came to us when they made a mistake and got in over their heads, and then we could help them work through it. BUT there's no one right answer. Know yourself, know your kid, and do what's best for your family. Don't look to other families for a solution. They have a totally different dynamic. The dynamic that worked for our boys was likely set into motion at birth simply due to our innate parenting style and their personality types, it may not work for someone else.

I'm loving your ideas of state ID, wallet, and checking account, totally genius and I am stealing them, well, borrowing with permission. My oldest is now 12, so I am so glad I've read it now and can do this for her 13th BD.

I would like to read about the methods you taught your son to control his gaming issues, please (if you don't mind sharing). Mine is 10 now and he might mature a bit to control his gaming issues, but for now the most effective way is for me to control them, which is, well, not the most effective way.

[Jenny Wren]

@ilsy

Sure! I will say it does require finding the right method for the child's personality. My son is a naturally prone to being organized and he is extremely extroverted, so we played to these traits.

Basically, it was a mixture of creating goals/a daily plan and then having an accountability partner. We actually encouraged him to look outside the immediate household for the accountability partner because we felt that the parent-child dynamic could lead back to us setting the rules instead of him developing strategies on his own. He asked an older boy in his scout troop to start, and they actually had a competition going to see who could meet their accountability goals the most for a few months. (side bar: He's almost 19 now and still uses accountability partners, but he does it through discord productivity groups now. )

In the beginning, he would present us with a plan each week, but eventually he handled it all on his own as he became better skilled. This plan listed how many hours a day MAX he wanted to dedicate to gaming, as well as all the other responsibilities he needed to attend to in real life. He could decide whether to game first, then attend the other stuff, vice versa, or a combination of the two. We'd talk through the plan and help him adjust it so it was realistic, but we didn't set any limits on gaming or computer time at all -- this was his responsibility because it was his life it would ultimately affect. At first he would schedule an 8 hour Saturday gaming session, but then he would regret the things he missed out on, so he learned quickly (we may have done something "fun," like going out to ice cream without him because it was during his gaming time, to help nudge him in the right direction a few times ;). We would also give friendly reminders at first if it seemed he was spending too much time gaming -- like "hey kiddo, don't forget your plan!" No nagging or insisting he follow the plan. If he messed up, he faced the consequences. Homework not done? oh well! Missed something you wanted to do because you weren't watching the clock/overslept because you gamed too late? Tough, you knew the plan. We would help him brainstorm ways to avoid the same issue twice, such as setting alarms or installing a program that scheduled a daily computer restart to jar him out of the gamer haze.

It meant letting him take a lot of falls that could have been avoided with more active parental control. But, I think it was better for him to take these falls as a tween when they didn't really have lifelong repercussions than having to face the consequences as a college student or adult when oversleeping for the wrong test or meeting could actually ruin his life.

Feel free to send a PM if you have any questions.

[Chris Pascale]

17 for oldest, 12 for second child. Not sure about the next ones. Maybe flip phones at 12