Thanks all for the replies! I haven't abandoned this thread, just trying to digest it (and busy with life).
Also babies sleep fine with noise as long as the are accustomed to it, so we never tried to be super silent when the baby was sleeping.
Interesting to hear that. Our only source of reference is my wife's friend, who is basically in the same situation, but a year ahead of us. And
she says her newborn was constantly being awaken by her toddler. So that's the "closest to home" data point we have, and therefore that has become the expectation. I suppose that, in the end, it's unpredictable, and we'll just have to see how the baby is.
Mom's clubs were a lifesaver - good for arranging play dates (free socializing) and commiserating with other SAHM.
Several people made this suggestion. We haven't tried it recently, but my wife did try it off and on for roughly the first year or so of our toddler's life. There were no meetups in the immediate area, all required driving. (OK, technically, per MMM standards, they were bikeable, but selling my wife on biking everywhere with kids is a
very long ways away.) Anyway, the ones she did try to attend were in neighborhoods where it's hard to find parking. So 15--20 minutes of driving, another 15 minutes looking for a parking spot. Now there's very little time to hang out before the kid needs a nap or feeding. On top of that, she didn't really hit it off with any of the other moms. Nothing bad, just never got past the awkward small talk phase. One woman in one of these meetups actually showed up with her
nanny!
I know, persistence is key here, but, my wife is kind of already "once bitten, twice shy". And to be fair, she's like me: not a naturally outgoing person. Getting comfortable around new people and actually making friends in these kinds of forced situations doesn't come naturally to either of us.
Your wife should make a point of going to the local playground several times a week, she'll quickly become familiar with the other moms and your toddler will automatically get socialization with others his/her age.
There is a nice playground nearby (about a two minute walk). We go there from time to time. Unfortunately, we've never met anyone (again, not the naturally outgoing types). People either play with their kids directly (and politely ignore everyone else), or they sit back and glue themselves to their smart phones, only occasionally checking on the kids. We're pretty sure these latter folks are nannies anyway.
Your toddler should be taking 2-3 hour naps a day, tapering off until they're about 4 y.o.
Did you mean that as two 3-hour naps, or a single nap that lasts two or three hours? Our toddler does one nap a day, and it's hit-or-miss how long she sleeps. If my wife gets a solid two hour break, she considers herself lucky. My daughter sleeps like a champ at night though!
$140/week in my area would be phenomenally inexpensive, if we're talking full-time daycare/preschool. But of course the real question is whether this fits in your household budget or, conversely, if you need to access it, how you can make it fit. On the other hand, I do agree with those who have pointed out that welcoming a new baby and starting daycare/preschool at the same time may be hard on your older one, so there's that to balance in.
I'm not sure about the specific cost breakdown. My wife just mentioned to me that there is a well-reviewed preschool in our neighborhood that had a big flyer advertising that $140/week price. The problem isn't so much whether or not we can afford it (we can). It's just that, with every new expense, I imagine MMM standing there face-punching me, saying, "That's over $6k year! Tens of thousands in opportunity costs over several years!"
Are there any mid-range options, maybe a middle schooler in your neighborhood interested in working a few afternoons a week as a "mother's helper?"
That might be something to look into... there's a girl in our neighborhood we sometimes use as a babysitter. Since our baby is due in the summer, she ought to be available.
Thanks again all!