Need advice for the wife / finances

[dividendsplease]

We have our first baby due in February. woohoo.

We had planned our finances out with assumptions that she would have to work through the first child and would be able to be a stay at home mom after the second a few years down the road.

She is a teacher and teachers at her school can job share...it's 2 days a week + every other Friday. There is a job sharing duo at her school and one of them is leaving and she now wants to take that position and would need to talk to her principal and get approved before she has the baby and is gone the rest of the school year. I am all for her being home more with the baby and having lower stress but it throws a wrench in the plans and would like some advice.

- new position would reduce her income just about in half
- free health ins is not offered like she has for full time (I doubt I can add her to mine mid year..is going part time a life event?)
- she is allowed to contribute to the state retirement but it stops her full time years calculation
- it would make our budget much much tighter where I would start to feel uncomfortable if something were to happen to my income
- wouldn't be able to stockpile cash to move to a bigger house in the future

She says that sticking to our original plan in light of this new job situation makes me not care about our family and that I only think about money.

HELP!

[mamagoose]

Congratulations! Having a baby is a qualifying life event to add them to your policy.

Have you done the math on her real hourly wage (Your Money Or Your Life style)? Teachers often find out that they are working to pay for childcare (while racking up the pension clock years), and there's something psychologically wonky about spending all day with other people's kids so that you can pay someone else to spend their day with your kid. I'm not trying to sound insensitive. Another way to look at it is how much money would you be losing if she did the part-time option (and seriously, be grateful she's not demanding to quit altogether when the baby arrives - she's "meeting you halfway" already), and how could you potentially make up that loss? Get creative - extra hours at your job, a side hustle, sell all the crap you accumulated before kids... Ask her if she's open to caring for a second baby (nanny job) to help offset the income loss. There are tons of moms who need wrap-around care for their little kids, like before the morning & you drive them to preschool, same thing after school. She probably already knows some (moms of the children she teaches in school). Some of our favorite babysitters are my daughter's former teachers, and they get paid a much nicer hourly wage as babysitters than they did as teachers.

Another option: when you find what that lost income amount is, rearrange the budget to accommodate it. Assuming you haven't already, ditch the cable, the fancy phone plans, the monthly this and that... I know a teacher who when she decided to be a SAHM, made the executive decision to switch grocery stores to a less popular chain that's a few hundred bucks a month cheaper for a family. These things make a difference.

Does your state offer virtual school teaching positions? That is a popular option in Florida for teachers who want to be WAHMs.

[nessness]

If your wife loses her eligibility for health insurance, that's a QLE and you could add her to yours. If she's still eligible but has to pay more, I'm not sure. You can add the baby either way.

Assuming you'll need paid childcare, have you looked at part time options? They can be pricey and aren't always readily available. Would it be possible to work out a childcare sharing arrangement with the teacher she would be job sharing with - either sharing a daycare spot or watching each other's kids? Just a couple things to think about.

[Kapiira]

The purpose of getting ourselves into a good financial position is provide ourselves with options.  Retiring earlier, buying a larger house, or being able to stay home with a new baby are all options that are worthy of consideration.  I would encourage you to consider supporting her if she wants to work part time.  I can sympathize with your frustration over the reduced income, but this situation doesn't need to be permanent.  I think you should give it a try if it's financially feasible.  If time at home with the baby is important to her and you don't support her she's going to be resentful.  That isn't going to help you now or down the road.

In addition to cutting expenses, another idea is to try supplementing her part-time income with evening tutoring.

[CloserToFree]

These are all great suggestions.  If you haven't come across it yet, I'd suggest checking out this similar thread that has generated robust commentary you may find helpful:

http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/mini-money-mustaches/rationally-discussing-the-'stay-at-home-parent'-option/msg1343856/#msg1343856

[farmerj]

I think that having a baby is a qualified life event to make various insurance changes. See here, for example:

http://www.coveredca.com/individuals-and-families/getting-covered/special-enrollment/qualifying-life-events/

[mxt0133]

I'm going to get beat up for this but if you BOTH agreed that she would keep working after the first child and she suddenly changes her mind and throws the you don't care about the family and only about money. Disclaimer, my wife is a SAHP which we both agreed to for our three children.  She wanted a house and picket fence but we discussed that we couldn't have both, we both decided that her quitting was more important for us and gave up on the house while still saving for FIRE.

My reply would be, "Then I guess you only care about you and the baby and I guess I am no longer part of said family because everything we discussed is now being thrown out the window."

As for the comment of only caring about money, I would respond back, "I would like not to care about money that is why I want to reach FIRE.  If shelter and food didn't require money I would like to stay home too and be able to spend time with the baby.  How about we take turns staying home with the a baby?"

[mm1970]

We have our first baby due in February. woohoo.

We had planned our finances out with assumptions that she would have to work through the first child and would be able to be a stay at home mom after the second a few years down the road.

She is a teacher and teachers at her school can job share...it's 2 days a week + every other Friday. There is a job sharing duo at her school and one of them is leaving and she now wants to take that position and would need to talk to her principal and get approved before she has the baby and is gone the rest of the school year. I am all for her being home more with the baby and having lower stress but it throws a wrench in the plans and would like some advice.

- new position would reduce her income just about in half
- free health ins is not offered like she has for full time (I doubt I can add her to mine mid year..is going part time a life event?)
- she is allowed to contribute to the state retirement but it stops her full time years calculation
- it would make our budget much much tighter where I would start to feel uncomfortable if something were to happen to my income
- wouldn't be able to stockpile cash to move to a bigger house in the future

She says that sticking to our original plan in light of this new job situation makes me not care about our family and that I only think about money.

HELP!

How much is this going to throw your plans off?  If the plan was for her to be a SAHM "eventually"?  Does this mean $X of less savings for 2 years, or does this mean you can't afford rent?  There is a difference.

It may require sitting down and taking a closer look at the budget.  I'm a working mom of 2 kids.  In the last 11 years of being a parent, I've had 3 years of part time work thrown in there.  My experience:

- We spent a lot less money when I was on maternity, and when I was part time, than I expected. 
- Having a full time job and a kid (nevermind 2), is mind-numbingly EXHAUSTING at times, and to be honest, you just "survive" it.  For the most part.

It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through it - right now she's emotional and hormonal and using the "money" card, saying you don't care about the family.  But honestly, you are probably very much underestimating what it's going to be like when that baby comes.

- 8 months of very little sleep, waking up 2-3x a night to nurse the baby.  For 45 minutes a pop (to be honest, for the first few months it's more like 1.5 hours a pop).
- a year of taking 2 breaks a day (15-30 minutes) to pump.
- all those fucking bottles to wash and sterilize.  My god.
- 5 straight months in the winter of getting sick.  Every. single. thing the baby brings home.  They are nursing, so usually get better quickly.  Mom, however, burning the candle at both ends, is sick for 1.5 weeks each time.  I was healthy for all of 30 days out of 5 months that first winter, no joke.
- Looking in the empty fridge in desperation and ordering pizza.
- not getting regular, solid sleep until they are 18 months old.  Cue baby #2!

I cut my hours to 30/ week when kid #1 was 18 months. It was glorious - GLORIOUS.  I was able to get a good amount of work done, pick up kid, take him to park, play, pick up any groceries we were out of, go home, COOK, eat healthy meals.  When I was told (by a future new boss) that he was ending my part-time gig because he didn't believe in it - I actually QUIT to find a new job.  A friend asked "it's only 10 hours a week!"  I countered with "it's TWO HOURS A DAY".  Remember life when you had a toddler.

Anyway, kid #2 I went back part time from the start.  I was MUCH healthier - didn't catch every. single. thing.

Part time for me was GLORIOUS.  Honestly.  EVERYONE was happier in my household.

[englishteacheralex]

Lots of emotion wrapped up in this decision. I was a wreck about the idea of going back to work when I had my first kid (I'm a teacher, too). The first week sucked. And then I realized I LOVE being a working parent. I love teaching and was dreaming about it during maternity leave; kept writing lesson plans, kept in touch with all my colleagues, was going into school to work on stuff with my baby strapped to me...I just like working. My kid thrives in daycare.

I'm an advocate of not making a big decision until you experience being a working parent. But hey, plenty of people feel the same way about SAHM-ing as I do about teaching.

[former player]

How do you feel about your job, and how secure is it?  Those are two important factors to add in to the discussion.  If you hate it and/or it is insecure, does your wife know that?

You will certainly need some life insurance if you don't already have it, and you could also investigate whether disability insurance would be worth it for you.  Being insured would help with some of the worry about relying so heavily on your income.

The other thing that stood out to me in your post is the desire to move to a bigger house.  As long as you have one bedroom for yourself and your wife and one for the kid(s), you already have enough house for the next 10 years (if the second kid is a different sex from the first, they will eventually need separate bedrooms, but they can share until 8 years old at least, so that gives you 10 years).  So take the bigger house out of your thoughts for the time being and see what difference that makes to your calculations.

It seems reasonable to me for your wife to at least explore with her principal the possibility of getting this job share.  She might not be offered it, of course.  But a baby is a pretty full on job, and with two of you working full time it will be hard work on you both.  The other thing with two full-time workers as parents is that when things go even slightly wrong (baby is sick and can't go to day care) there is a lot of scrambling to make alternative arrangements.  You are spared a lot of that "we need backups to the backups" issue if one of you is part time.

[mm1970]

How do you feel about your job, and how secure is it?  Those are two important factors to add in to the discussion.  If you hate it and/or it is insecure, does your wife know that?

You will certainly need some life insurance if you don't already have it, and you could also investigate whether disability insurance would be worth it for you.  Being insured would help with some of the worry about relying so heavily on your income.

The other thing that stood out to me in your post is the desire to move to a bigger house.  As long as you have one bedroom for yourself and your wife and one for the kid(s), you already have enough house for the next 10 years (if the second kid is a different sex from the first, they will eventually need separate bedrooms, but they can share until 8 years old at least, so that gives you 10 years).  So take the bigger house out of your thoughts for the time being and see what difference that makes to your calculations.

It seems reasonable to me for your wife to at least explore with her principal the possibility of getting this job share.  She might not be offered it, of course.  But a baby is a pretty full on job, and with two of you working full time it will be hard work on you both.  The other thing with two full-time workers as parents is that when things go even slightly wrong (baby is sick and can't go to day care) there is a lot of scrambling to make alternative arrangements.  You are spared a lot of that "we need backups to the backups" issue if one of you is part time.

Yes, this is HUGE.

As it is now, we are both full time.  School holidays?  Split the days.  Sick kid?  Split the days.  Sick kid on a day we both have important meetings? One of us is missing the meetings.

That should definitely be a part of the discussion.

As is who works part time, or not at all, and when, and for how long.  Opinions change when life happens.  For me, being part time when I was nursing an infant was so so helpful.  Once preschool starts, it's not as important.  Others find the opposite.  Some people prefer part time work when kids are in school, some prefer to not work.

And then there is the type of part time work.  I worked shorter days.  I have a flexible schedule, which allows me to go to the school functions, etc.

Teachers generally don't have that.  On the days they work, they can't just take off or show up late or leave early.  That probably means you are doing all of the doctor's appointments with the kiddo if she's working 5 days a week.  And probably most of the sick days.

[TrMama]

If your wife loses her eligibility for health insurance, that's a QLE and you could add her to yours. If she's still eligible but has to pay more, I'm not sure. You can add the baby either way.

Assuming you'll need paid childcare, have you looked at part time options? They can be pricey and aren't always readily available. Would it be possible to work out a childcare sharing arrangement with the teacher she would be job sharing with - either sharing a daycare spot or watching each other's kids? Just a couple things to think about.

In many areas part time childcare can be hard to find. Plus, it's often not 50% off the cost of a full time spot. More like 60-70% of the cost, for only half the time. Run the numbers on this before she commits to job sharing.

[cats]

If your wife loses her eligibility for health insurance, that's a QLE and you could add her to yours. If she's still eligible but has to pay more, I'm not sure. You can add the baby either way.

Assuming you'll need paid childcare, have you looked at part time options? They can be pricey and aren't always readily available. Would it be possible to work out a childcare sharing arrangement with the teacher she would be job sharing with - either sharing a daycare spot or watching each other's kids? Just a couple things to think about.

In many areas part time childcare can be hard to find. Plus, it's often not 50% off the cost of a full time spot. More like 60-70% of the cost, for only half the time. Run the numbers on this before she commits to job sharing.

This is the big concern I would have with a PT job.  In our area, daycares often charge more per day/hour for PT spots than FT.  I'd also ask your wife to consider whether or not she would truly be working just 50% time or if it might wind up being more like 75% time for 50% pay.  If she did the PT option and you guys then decided it was a bad idea, how long might she have to wait before a FT position opened up again? 

That said, as someone who is working with a newborn myself, I can say that many of the points mm1970 posted are completely valid reasons to look into having one partner (and preferably the mother if the baby is nursing) work fewer days/hours. Sleep deprivation is brutal.  Nursing is super time-consuming, and pumping is even worse.  And while I have not been sick all the time, I've definitely been sick more than usual this winter.  No fun.  How much maternity leave is your wife planning to take?  If baby is due in February, will she be out until the start of next school year in the fall, or going back sometime in the spring?  If she is going back in the spring, I'd encourage you to be more open to the PT option because working with a very young baby is really grueling.  Once they start to sleep for a long stretch at night it gets much more manageable, but you can't really count on that happening at 2 months.

Somewhat off-topic, but one thing that has made returning to work muck more manageable for me was getting our baby into a daycare at my office, so I'm able to go and nurse him during the day, rather than pumping.  Huge time savings and mentally much less stressful/disruptive to me.  So you might also want to look into whether or not there is a daycare near enough your wife's school that she could visit/nurse baby during her lunch hour---this might make working full-time much less onerous for her.