Getting a Child integrated into Day Car / Nursery

[Zola.]

My 9 month old son is going to day care / nursery for 4 days a week from April. I am kinda dreading it.   We have no family close by sadly.

My wife is going back to work, it will be great to have her earning money again, but I hate the thought of our son feeling deserted by us for up to 10 hours a day.

So far he has been going to day care for a couple of hours at a time, twice a week to get used to the place. He cries when he is handed over, but they say he starts playing and is ok a few minutes later. He is at that funny stage now where I pick him up in the morning from his crib and take him downstairs.....if I set him down for a second to close the door he thinks I am running away and can start crying ! He stops as soon as I am back haha.

I am sure I am not the only one who has felt this way, its gonna suck when it comes to it.

Any words of advice?

[cowpuncher10]

It is awful but it will pass. Pretty soon you will be sadder dropping him off than he will be at being dropped off.

[I'm a red panda]

They aren't lying to you when they tell you he's playing in a few minutes. since he does this in your kitchen it's not the daycare that he's crying about. It all sounds very normal.

My daughter has been in daycare since she was sixteen weeks and is 2 now. We still have some drop offs where she'd rather me stay. And I'm sure she still has times during the day where she's not having a great time and cries, but that happens at home too. Being a kid is hard. But overall she loves going to daycare and talks about her friends constantly.

She gets tons of attention and play time when she's home and she gets tons of stimulation while we're gone. I really don't think day care is evil.

[mm1970]

My 9 month old son is going to day care / nursery for 4 days a week from April. I am kinda dreading it.   We have no family close by sadly.

My wife is going back to work, it will be great to have her earning money again, but I hate the thought of our son feeling deserted by us for up to 10 hours a day.

So far he has been going to day care for a couple of hours at a time, twice a week to get used to the place. He cries when he is handed over, but they say he starts playing and is ok a few minutes later. He is at that funny stage now where I pick him up in the morning from his crib and take him downstairs.....if I set him down for a second to close the door he thinks I am running away and can start crying ! He stops as soon as I am back haha.

I am sure I am not the only one who has felt this way, its gonna suck when it comes to it.

Any words of advice?

I'm sure bolded is true.

It's gonna suck.

Your wife has been home?  Then my recommendation is that YOU do drop off, if possible.  Will be way easier for her to be the "good guy" who does pick up.

When I went back after mat leave, it was "easy" because I was just going to work and my baby was still at home with daddy.  Daddy did drop off.

[FLBiker]

Yeah, it's hard.  One piece of advice I'd give is, once you start leaving the room, keep going.  It can be tricky if you establish a pattern of turning around when they start crying.  It can be tough, though, and I certainly do turn around if it seems "unusual" (and drop offs for us are almost always totally fine despite that).

[reeshau]

If you need more proof, sneak back into the daycare after 15 minutes, or just look in the window.  I am sure your observation will match their comments about him playing, particularly if he doesn't see you.

I would be the turning point will come as soon as he finds a friend to connect with.  Then you will have to deal with how you feel when he doesn't give you a second glance as you leave.

[I'm a red panda]

If you need more proof, sneak back into the daycare after 15 minutes, or just look in the window.  I am sure your observation will match their comments about him playing, particularly if he doesn't see you.

I would be the turning point will come as soon as he finds a friend to connect with.  Then you will have to deal with how you feel when he doesn't give you a second glance as you leave.

My daughter wakes up saying the names of the kids at daycare.  It's how we get her to do things now. "I bet Vivi is brushing her teeth. Matt will let his Mom put on his jacket. Aspy sits down in her carseat".  Because all we hear, all the time is "Vivi, Matt, aspy?"

[Freedomin5]

Your kid is 9 months old. This is normal. They haven’t developed object permanence yet, so he thinks you’ve literally disappeared if he doesn’t see you. The nice thing is that it’s easy to distract them with a toy at this age. And then without object permanence they kind of forget that you exist. Until they see you again, and then they’re REALLY JOYFUL because to them it’s like you Magically appeared!

Just make sure when you drop him off  that you stay calm and cheerful. Babies pick up on their caregivers’ emotions. If you’re all upset and anxious and sad and you play up the whole “I’ll miss you so much don’t worry I’ll be back soon” thing, your kid is going to think there is something terribly wrong/bad about the situation and will get even more distressed with the separation.

[calimom]

You guys are really good parents.

Your little boy will not feel deserted. It's a transition. He's going to get new things from daycare that he doesn't get at home. The big kids there will be an endless source of fascination, as will the loving caregivers, who will be fully focused on your son. There will likely be babies his own age to interact with and fun toys.

And at the end of the day his loving parents will come get him after their hard days' work.

[wespellitmoustache]

Hey Zola,

I think I saw your post on MSE forums too (I'm a Board Guide) - glad this forum is a bit better behaved...

It will suck when it comes to it, but it'll make school a hell of a lot easier! DD was in nursery from about 6 months until school and didn't have any problems transitioning from one to the other as she was used to being brought up around a hoarde of kiddos.

[elliha]

9 months is a bit special and it is common for the child to have separation anxiety even if there is no daycare. It is also normal for kids to be more clingy when they start daycare. My daycare offered to send a picture or video of the child once it has stopped crying but I said no, I trusted them when they said it was temporary because I have worked at preschool and it usually is. I pointed out to them that I trust that they will use my children's sadness in this situation to show them that they can keep them safe and be comforting and loving and that put the staff at ease too that I saw it that way. After a month or so both my kids stopped crying and have loved their daycare ever since (my daughter is now in school and after school care but she loved it until she transferred to school last fall). I think that if both the staff and the parents try to give the child the comfort they need at daycare and at home it will soon stabilize.

It is not easy to make the transition to daycare and it can be tough for both child and parent but it almost always turns out OK for all people involved.

[kimmarg]

Both your anxiety and your childs crying sound normal. My kid started daycare at about 9 months too. I was soo worried how she'd do and would rush to get her ASAP when I got off work.  Guess what? My social butterfly loves it. Instead of just mom and the same old toys daycare has lots of new friends and new toys. Now even when I get a day off work on a daycare day I often send her to daycare for at least part of the day. She'd much rather play with her friends for the morning while I do toddler-unfriendly errands with two hands!

[andreamac]

Was super hard on me as well at one year when I returned to work. I did what someone else suggested with my daycare knowing since they suggested it. Peaked in the window about 5-10 mins and she was happy playing! Now at 22 months she sometimes doesn't want to leave lol It's hard but glad I did it. Now she is a busy toddler and they keep her occupied. Long weekend home with us and she is bored!

Hang in there! Also be prepared for sickness, was a tough first winter for us with ear infections and we also had hand and foot in the summer, oh the joy!

[FICurious]

We day-cared both our kids from 6-weeks on. I've seen the gamut on parent reactions. The best method is the Band-Aid method. Just end it short and sweet like its no big deal.  Then eventually, it won't be. 

Bring them in. Hand them over. Kiss them Goodbye. Walk straight out. When my son got older, say 2ish, we started making silly faces at each other as I left. It caught on pretty quick and soon all the kids there in the morning seemed to look forward to it.

Most of the issues I see is with the parents, and not the kids.  "but i can't leave little Billy all alone with some strangers to take care of him...i feel sooooo guilty!!"

Little Billy will be just fine. We humans are great at adapting and overcoming.

[I'm a red panda]

I'll update and say that my daughter just moved up to a new room.  She runs into the daycare happily, hugs her old teacher, hugs her new teacher, then clings to my legs and screams if I try to let her go.

I give her a hug, tell her I love her, and Mommy has to go to work and she needs to be a big girl at school, and leave.

Every single day for the past week she screams and throws herself on the floor as I leave. It's heartbreaking.  But then when I come pick her up, she runs, gives me a hug, then runs away and hides so I can't take her home... Yesterday I had to stay and talk to the director outside the room. Within 2 minutes, she had stopped crying and was playing happily.

[meerkat]

We had on and off issues with separation anxiety at day care drop off* but prior to a big trip where Mr. Meer and I were going to leave him with grandma for a few weeks I picked up a copy of "You Go Away". It's a very simple book with great pictures and it helped my son think about the concept at bedtime when the stakes were lower. After a while there was one day when we were getting ready to get into the car for day care drop off and he said "I go school. You go 'way, come back later." (Or something like that. You know how it is with little kid speech.) I said "That's right, I go away and I come back." but on the inside I was definitely doing a happy dance. Hopefully it will be helpful for you too.


* Worst case scenario you could hear my two year old screaming throughout the building while the teacher did her best to distract/redirect him. That happened every day for four months I think? Best case scenario, he was upset because he was having so much fun he wanted me to stay and play with him too! Dear child of mine, that defeats the point of paying for day care.

[Psychstache]

We had on and off issues with separation anxiety at day care drop off* but prior to a big trip where Mr. Meer and I were going to leave him with grandma for a few weeks I picked up a copy of "You Go Away". It's a very simple book with great pictures and it helped my son think about the concept at bedtime when the stakes were lower. After a while there was one day when we were getting ready to get into the car for day care drop off and he said "I go school. You go 'way, come back later." (Or something like that. You know how it is with little kid speech.) I said "That's right, I go away and I come back." but on the inside I was definitely doing a happy dance. Hopefully it will be helpful for you too.


* Worst case scenario you could hear my two year old screaming throughout the building while the teacher did her best to distract/redirect him. That happened every day for four months I think? Best case scenario, he was upset because he was having so much fun he wanted me to stay and play with him too! Dear child of mine, that defeats the point of paying for day care.

We've gotten our 2.5 y.o DD to respond really well to timers in general, and we use them for pre-school drop off and pick up. If she wants us to stay and play (rare but happens from time to time), we set a timer and leave when it goes off. Same thing for pick up, if she wants to keep playing when we come to get her (almost every day), so we set a timer and when it goes off we get our things and go.

OP, sounds like things are trending in the right direction. We had the same thing happen. Big crying at drop-off when we first started, peeked in the window in a few minutes and she was playing with toys. Hell, these days she usually walks right in to class and starts playing with friends. I have to go hunt her down to get my good-bye hug!

[business325]

Oh, 9 months is so early.. But kids are very adaptable, it's harder for us parents then it is for them. They all cry when you hand them over but they are right, as soon as they start playing they forget about us. It's gonna get better soon.